Sometimes We Die
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Vomit
Author: H. Ashleigh
Disclaimer: I am obviously not J.K. Rowling, nor would I ever pretend to be. The views of the author and the views of the characters are often conflicting and are not equal. Please do not judge the author due to her character's failings, misjudgments, ineptitudes, and misperceptions.
"You'll always know the reason why/we couldn't have the moon and the sky." Sade
Monday, January 10, 1977
Monday morning classes consisted of an hour of Herbology with Professor Sprout, a half hour's study break, and then an hour of charms with Professor Flitwick. I had always enjoyed Herbology class, partly because of its relationship with Potions, and partly because I shared the class with Severus. In our younger years, Gryffindor had shared the Herbology block with Hufflepuff, but in the later years, because the classes were smaller, all of the houses were crammed together. So we had taken to sharing a workbench with each other. And so, of course I noticed when he failed to show in class that morning.
Frederick Wilkes was one of the other two Slytherins in that morning class, and I approached him delicately when Professor Sprout dismissed us. He was held up cleaning a nasty mess that a particularly volatile plant had left behind on his bag.
"Wilkes," I said. I was standing behind him, almost eye level with his neck. I was a pretty tall girl, and not many boys in our year were taller than me, but Frederick ranked among the ones who were. He ignored my presence. "Wilkes," I repeated, a bit louder. He still ignored me. So I tapped him on the shoulder.
He jumped clear out of his skin, and in turn I jumped back and fell into a workbench. He turned around and caught my arm, and pulled me back up onto my feet.
"Excuse me, Evans," he said politely. "I was distracted." He indicated the awful, bright violet stain he was attempting to clean.
"You don't know any good cleaning charms?" I inquired.
"Charms isn't my best subject," he admitted with no qualms.
I slipped my wand from out of my pocket and cast the strongest cleaning charm I knew. In a matter of seconds, the stain was gone and the pale khaki color of his bag gleamed brighter than new.
"Most effective," he said as way of thanks. He slung it over one shoulder, and turned away to leave.
"Excuse me, Wilkes," I said meekly. "Can you hold on a moment?"
"What?" He turned around, and his bright, shiny gray eyes flashed quickly.
"Ummm," I stammered. Suddenly, my reason for disturbing his peace seemed quite pointless. "I was hoping you could tell me where Severus is?"
"He seems to have left already for his next class," Wilkes pointedly remarked.
"No," I shook my head patiently. "You misunderstand me. Severus wasn't present in class this morning."
"I hadn't noticed at all," he replied. He shrugged the shoulder not weighed down by his bag.
"Did you see him in your dorm this morning?"
"No, I figured he'd already left. He usually closes his bed curtains in the morning for some reason. They were closed this morning when I woke up, so I assumed he'd gone to breakfast already."
"Oh," I mused, twisting my lips in bewilderment and staring down at the floor.
Frederick stared at me. "Well?" he asked.
"Thank you," I replied. He turned and left without another word.
I stared around at the curling vines of plants, wondering. Severus had only ever missed class once, in third year, when he was violently ill with wizarding pneumonia. He was laid up in the hospital wing for a week, and I had brought him his work, and sat with him for most of the time he was there. He had few other visitors.
So I set out for the hospital wing, thinking I had enough time before Charms to ask Madam Pomfrey about his whereabouts.
"Severus?" she said. "I haven't seen him here, he never reported any illness. The house elves haven't reported any sick-ups either. Not from Slytherin anyway. Now Ravenclaw is a different story…" And she babbled on about Ravenclaw's sick-up report from the house elves.
"Thank you, Madam Pomfrey," I said. She barely noticed I was leaving; she was so busy rushing around between beds, aiding what looked like the fourth and fifth year Ravenclaws.
I made my way slowly to Charms, starting to worry. After Charms was my lunch break, so instead of going to the Hall with Emily, I went to Professor Slughorn's office.
"Severus? I haven't seen him m'dear. Now, I would really like to talk to you about your final year project. How's it coming along? I was hoping we could present it to the Board at the Ministry!"
I was quite happy to hear him talk about something like this, but I was also starting to get very nervous regarding Severus.
"Yes, Professor," I said hurriedly. "That's something that would certainly interest me."
"They should know how much hard work you're getting up to here," he continued enthusiastically, getting up from the chair behind his desk and maneuvering around his furniture. It was slightly difficult for him though, as his office was quite crowded with what seemed to be unnecessary accessories, and he was quite plump. "I do, of course, mention both Severus' and your names whenever we professors meet with the Board, and they are quite familiar with the work you're both doing. Can I tell you something, though? And can you be absolutely certain to keep it between you and I?"
I almost knew already what he was going to say. "Of course, Professor Slughorn."
He lowered his voice to a theatrical whisper. "I think your research will be quite successful, will perhaps even revolutionize the way we wizards view potions. You are starting to view them dynamically, as opposed to statically. And this is unheard of! I myself have never considered this sort of thing before. To imagine potions in this way! To think of them as beings alive, instead of stagnant liquid controlled by ingredients! It's fantastic, unorthodox!" By this time, he was almost yelling, he was so excited. "To put it in as few words as possible, I believe your success with potions will go much further than the Board." And he winked.
"Thanks so much, Professor," I said. My cheeks were warmed by his praise. "I have to be getting to Runes class, though."
"Of course, of course," he said. "Run along, m'dear."
I pushed his words from my head for the time being, only to fret more about Severus. I was starting to wonder if he had even made it back home from Hogsmeade last night!
Ancient Runes felt like a four-hour class, when it was actually only one hour long. And when Severus was absent from our last class of the day, Defense, I knew I had to be very concerned.
I snagged Emily at the end of class. She had been talking to Morgan, about what I don't know, and at the moment I didn't quite care. Potter was standing quite close by as well, but it hardly mattered.
"Emily," I said hurriedly, trying to speak softly. I don't know why I was trying for discretion. "Sev hasn't been to any of his classes."
"Maybe he's sick," Emily replied, shrugging her shoulder. "Honestly, you think I care where he is?"
"I know you don't care, but I thought you might worry because I care."
"Odd logic. If I don't care, I don't care. Please Lily, you know how I feel about Snape."
"Of course I know! Can't you just sympathize once?" I exasperated.
"No." She shook her head with finality, and walked off with Morgan Kent.
I looked around frustrated, biting my lip, and my eyes lit upon Potter, who was leaning against a wall. His arms were folded across his chest and he was staring at me directly. I was quite desperate at this point.
"Severus went into Hogsmeade last night," I told him. "What if he never came back? Frederick didn't see him this morning at all."
"Why're you telling me? What d'you think I can do?"
"Help me! I'm Head Girl, you're Head Boy! And this could be a case of missing student!"
"I highly doubt it's that extreme, Evans," Potter replied diplomatically. "Maybe he's just sick?"
I groaned in frustration. "Severus never gets sick! I've only known him to get sick once, ever, in all the years I've known him!"
"Why don't we just tell Dumbledore?" Potter suggested. "Dumbledore knows everything that goes on in this castle."
"I don't want anyone to know Severus went into Hogsmeade. It's against the rules. He could get expelled."
Potter narrowed his eyes, maybe wondering why I had told him, Severus' arch-enemy, all of this. "Well, we are Head students, and we took an oath at the beginning of last term to report any mal-behavior, especially if said behavior endangers any student. If Severus did go into Hogsmeade, and you knew about it, and he got hurt, you would probably lose your Head status."
All of a sudden I realized he was telling the absolute truth. "I have to know where he is."
"Did you check Slytherin common room?"
"No, I don't even know where that is! Do you?"
"Incidentally, yes," Potter smirked. "Would you like me to show you?"
All of my hatred of Potter was forgotten in these moments. Right then, he was just a means to finding Severus. So, "yes!"
He set off quickly, and I hurried to keep in step.
"Why don't you know where Slytherin common room is anyways, especially seeing as how you and Severus are best mates, and practically dating? Are you dating? I never really received confirmation either way."
"Shut up, Potter. That's really none of your business."
"I was just trying to make small-talk."
I rolled my eyes, and followed him down into the dungeons. After we had been walking a little while, I started to wonder how Potter knew where Slytherin house was.
"Oh, you know," he replied when I asked.
"No, I don't."
"Just an innocent, first-year's wanderings."
"I doubt it."
Potter didn't say anything to that. He was walking uncomfortably close to me, and I felt strangeness at our proximity. And I couldn't quite figure out what that strangeness was, or what it meant.
"Here we are," Potter announced. He halted in front of a bare expanse of stonewall.
"What are you talking about? This is just a wall!"
"The Slytherins think they're so clever, hiding their common room behind a wall. It's not so hard to find, though." And Potter slid his wand out from the waistband of his jeans, and tapped it stolidly on one of the bricks. He kept tapping and tapping, for quite a long time, and I almost told him to stop his whack theatrics and take me to the real Slytherin common room when a crack in the wall appeared, and the wall sunk in and slid over to the right a small bit. I leaned over against Potter, who didn't move at all, and we both stared into the dark crack.
"Password?" A dark voice asked.
"No password," Potter replied. "The Head Boy and Girl are here. We would like to speak to the seventh year Prefects."
The wall slid shut and we stared at it for some time, before it finally slid open a ways, and Tori stepped out.
"Business?" she said. "Hello, Lily." She smiled tiredly at me.
"Shelsher, is Snape in there?"
"Actually no," she replied. "I've kind of been wondering where he's been all day. I mean, I haven't been too worried." She shrugged slightly, and grimaced her mouth.
"Well I am!" I said. "Can't you please see if he's up in his dorm room?"
"Sure, Lily." The door slid shut again. I started to bite my lip nervously.
"Did you owl him or anything?" Potter asked me.
"No, I didn't even think about it," I replied.
The wall slid open again, and this time Frederick stepped out. "Severus is in his room, sleeping. He told me just now, he wasn't feeling well today. He told me to tell you he should be back in classes tomorrow morning."
Relief washed over me. "Thank you, Frederick. I was so worried."
"Why?" Frederick asked.
"I just had a weird feeling s'all," I explained. "It's nothing, though, obviously."
"Okay, good evening," Frederick said to us both, and he turned around and went back into Slytherin common room. The wall slid back into place.
"You were worried about wittle ickle Sevikins," Potter said in a gooey, sickening voice. I punched him in the arm and started to walk ahead, before realizing I had no idea where we were.
"Show me the way back to Gryffindor," I demanded heatedly.
"Only if you give me two kisses, one for showing you the way down, and one for showing the way back up." He moved closer to me, and reached out to touch my hips with his hands, a cocky jest reflecting off his glasses.
"You're insufferable, Potter," I replied almost playfully, pushing him away. And he didn't even push the subject. He led me back upstairs, an odd companionship stretching itself subtly, almost imperceptibly, between our hips.
I saw Severus quite a lot over the next couple weeks. He told me Tuesday morning how sorry he was that he had missed Monday classes, but he had been terribly ill in his room- delirious even!
"Why didn't you tell Madam Pomfrey?"
"I couldn't even function, Lils."
"Well, I'm glad you're better now." I kissed him sweetly on the cheek.
Before I knew it, it was my birthday.
Sunday, January 30, 1977
Meet me in RR, 9 p.m.
I smiled with glee. I just knew Severus had something fantastic planned for my birthday.
I went and stood outside the door, waiting. I had dressed especially for the occasion, in a long, sleek, black, backless dress. My hair was twisted into a low bun, pinned with invisible hairpin. I even felt beautiful that night.
And I was even more excited for a reason unbeknownst to Severus. He had told me countless times that he loved me, but I had never reciprocated the statement. I hadn't been sure before, but I was starting to realize that what I was feeling was love. What else could it be?
The door in front of me opened to reveal Severus' towering form, dressed neatly in crisp, clean robes.
"You look… more stunning than words can say."
I blushed slightly, and thanked him, before moving past to enter the Room. He had generated a lovely, French terrace. A violin hung in the air, playing exquisite music, and a first course of cheese and wine waited on the little table set for two.
"Shall we?" He asked, gesturing towards the table.
We sat down, and ate, and joked sensually, and I relished, really relished the time we spent. Severus looked happier than I had ever seen him, and I felt happier than I perhaps had ever felt.
After dessert, he banished the table with a thought, and in its place appeared a bed, white down comforter and pillows lavished over top of it. I smiled, and began to slip my arms through my dress. He began undressing as well, and soon we were naked, staring at one another across five feet of space.
I wouldn't have noticed under normal circumstances, but I was hypersensitive to what was going on around me, because of what I was planning on telling Severus at some point that night. So I noticed a slight smudged-air quality hovering around his left forearm: almost as if he had performed a poor glamour on that part of his body. And then he turned, and moved towards the bed, and my eyes slipped beneath the glamour, and what I saw made my heart drop on top of my feet. My lips began to numb, my heart began to beat and thud quickly against my ankles. I swallowed, and gathered myself, and slipped a subtle smile onto my lips.
"Join me on the bed, love," he said sweetly. His eyes pleaded for human contact.
"Pardon me, Sev," I said. "My monthly. It just came earlier today." I brushed it off with a short, staccato laugh, feeling quite unlike myself. "I don't know what I was thinking." And I started to pull my dress back up over my legs.
"Your monthly? It was just here a couple weeks ago…"
"Well, you know how irregular it is."
"No, I don't."
"You never noticed? It's actually quite irregular. I can never predict when it's going to plague me."
"I thought it was the most predictable thing in the world."
"Well, you obviously thought wrong." I snapped. I slipped my feet into my shoes.
"Where're you going? We can still lay here, like we normally do."
"Actually, I'm feeling quite ill. I think it's the caviar." And I wasn't lying when I said this. I could feel the bile, the sick-up, the vomit, itching at my uvula to expel itself. And if I didn't get out of the room, as far away from him as possible, I was going to hurl all over the bed.
"You do look quite pale," he observed. "I'm awfully sorry darling, to disappoint. I just wanted us to enjoy each other tonight. It's your birthday!"
"I know what today is, thanks," I said. "I have to leave."
"Of course, love—" and before he could finish his sentence, I had left the room, and was running down the stone hall, away from Gryffindor tower, away from the Room of Requirement, as far away from people and as deep into the seventh floor as I could manage.
Hours later, I was curled on the floor, my hair fallen from its bun and stuck to my face. Piles of sick-up lay all around me, like a chalked ritual circle. I was exhausted from the heaving; my eyes were dry and stinging from tears. I stared hopelessly up at the ceiling, unable to really comprehend my situation now. It wasn't the time to think, only the time to feel.
And I couldn't imagine feeling worse if Severus had died.
I couldn't process anything. It wouldn't have mattered to me if the ceiling had started to collapse around me at that moment. I would have continued lying there, hopelessly. And I did. I remained in that same spot for the rest of the long, cold, horrible night, until dawn's pale grey light began filtering through the closest windows. And then, I picked myself up off the floor, cleaned the sick-up before the house elves reported to it, and then walked slowly, achingly, back to my room.
Monday, January 31, 1977
When I saw what I looked like that morning, I nearly vomited again into the sink underneath my mirror. My hair was dull, my face pale and awfully drawn, my make-up sunk into the deep, deep bags hanging low underneath my eyes. My lips were chapped and colorless, and my freckles had all but disappeared from my skin. But I freshened up anyway, undressed, dressed in my school uniform, gathered my schoolbooks and went to breakfast.
"Lily, you look awful this morning!" Emily exclaimed at breakfast. Her and Remus were sharing a crossword.
"Thanks for the honesty," I replied waspishly. I was effectively not thinking about what had happened the night before. I sat next to her, and poured myself a cup of coffee, which I quickly downed. I followed this with two more cups, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep any solid food down.
"You can't drink all that coffee without having at least some toast or something," Emily said. "You're going to be jittery as bloody hell today!"
"I'm not hungry, Em," I replied. "I can't eat. I might vomit."
"Are you ill?"
"It's just my monthly." I said this without qualms, even though Remus was sitting in close proximity, as well as Potter.
"Well, you could probably miss classes! You haven't missed hardly any classes, Lily! Why don't you take a break?"
"I don't need one," I replied. "I have to go, or I'll be late for Herbology."
"Suit yourself." She shrugged and turned back to her crossword puzzle.
I sat down at my usual bench. I thought it best to act as if nothing odd had happened. I don't know why I felt this way, but I certainly blessed my foresight later.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Severus sat down closely next to me, and I inwardly cringed at the contact, even though it existed through several layers of cloth.
"Fine," I replied, smiling tightly through drawn lips. "Thanks for asking. Did you finish the assignment Sprout handed out last time?"
"Of course," he replied.
Nothing was wrong.
Classes carried on much like that for the rest of the day. I was exhausted by the end of Defense, and not just because I had spent the previous night sleeplessly lying on a cold stone floor. I was exhausted from acting as if the colors of my world hadn't completely inverted in on themselves.
"I'll see you after dinner?" Severus inquired of me.
"Of course."
He bent to give me a kiss, but I quickly ducked. "I'm still feeling a little vomity from last night."
"You said earlier you were fine."
"I didn't want to disrupt classes."
"Okay," he said. He didn't suspect a damn thing, and in that moment I felt a hot spear of anger rush through my body like lightening. I felt my hair curl a little bit with the crackling magic. "I'll see you after dinner." He repeated.
"Of course." Like nothing was wrong.
And in that moment, I made the decision that changed my life forever.
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this. Let me know what you think. Thanks to my beta reader, MRSSPICY!
Ch 38: Interlude, Albus Dumbledore