I don't own anything.
Omake Four: No Place Like Home
"There we are," Naruto stated as the walls of his village rose in the distance. "Home." Anko moved up to stand next to him and he placed an arm around her shoulders only to pull back as she flinched. "You okay?"
"It still hurts," Anko grumbled. "How's it look?" Naruto glanced at Anko's back, visible under her mesh top due to her lack of coat because of the heat.
"Yeah, they're still pretty bad," he said as he inspected the scratches. "Sure you don't want someone to heal them?"
"Are you kidding? These are a mark of honor!" Anko announced. "Really though, I didn't think Ino would be such a wildcat. She always seemed so uptight. It's probably a good thing she went back to the village afterwards."
"Got to watch out for the uptight ones," Naruto said sagely as he led his convoy towards the village.
"Like Kisame?" Anko asked. "Well, if the stories that Mei told me. . ."
"Want me to kill her?" Kisame asked.
"Tempting," Naruto replied. As previously stated, he had little interest in his favorite punching bag's sex life.
"Aw, you two are no fun," Anko pouted. She seemed a little edgy.
"You okay?"
"Yeah! The scratches only hurt. . ."
"I'm not talking about the scratches," Naruto interrupted, causing the purple haired woman's thinly clad shoulders to slump slightly.
"Are you sure this is going to work out?" she asked. "I mean, what if they find out who I was apprenticed to?"
"You do know that Mister Murder here is a villager in good standing, right?" Naruto asked, jerking his thumb at the tallest member of their party.
"You're one to talk," Kisame grumbled.
"I much prefer humiliation to murder," Naruto replied. "It's way more fun. Plus I get enraged adversaries training their asses off to come after me later."
"Is that smart?" Kisame asked.
"Probably not, but it is fun."
"I love you," Anko stated as she cuddled up to his side.
"I love you too."
"I am deeply disturbed by this whole thing you two have going," Rumiko stated as they passed through the gates of the Village Hidden in the Springs.
"What?" Naruto demanded. "Our relationship is based on love."
"And mutual sadism," Anko added.
"And mutual sadism," Naruto allowed. They turned onto the main street and crashed to a halt at the sea of pandemonium in front of them.
"Oh, God. I am executing the entire village watch," Rumiko growled.
"Home," Naruto stated wistfully, a smile spreading across his face. A fat drunk stumbled into him.
"Hey, watch where you're. . ."
"Oh, you'll do nicely." Naruto grabbed the rapidly paling man by the front of his shirt.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Naruto cocked his arm back and pitched the man the length of the street causing everyone to go completely silent as they turned to watch the screaming tub of lard fly. As one, they all turned and stared at Naruto.
"Whatup bitches. I'm back." They stared at him for a moment before there was a loud roar and they surged forward, hauling him up on their shoulders. Someone stood a keg up and they dumped him on it.
"Speech!"
"Alright, alright!" Naruto snapped. "Shut the fuck up!" Everyone went relatively silent. "Yeah, I'm back. And you're all fucked!" And the crowd went wild. "Hey. . .hey! We got a few new people too. Anko? Kaori?" They made their way through the crowd. "Alright. This is Anko." And the crowd went wild. "We're getting hitched." The crowd went dead silent.
"Does this mean we can't have fun now?" someone asked. Naruto snapped his fingers and pointed. The sound of a hand hitting the back of a head rang out. "Ow!" Naruto climbed down from the keg.
"Alright, Anko. Why don't you say a few words?" Anko nodded and nervously climbed on to the keg.
"Uh. . .hi," she began. "I'm Anko and I'm getting married to Naruto." The crowd remained silent. "Uh. . .anyway, I hope to get to know everyone." Her eyes locked on someone. "You." She pointed. "I especially want to get to know you. How about you come by Naruto's place right after this?"
"What?" the woman and Naruto asked.
"Look at them," Anko said in reverence. "They're Mei-sized!" Naruto's gaze dropped from the woman's face to below her neckline.
"Oh, wow."
"I know, right?" Anko demanded. "And you won't let me steal Kisame's girlfriend for us to share, so. . ."
"Kisame has a girlfriend?" the man from before asked.
"Yeah, and she is fucking smoking hot," Naruto stated.
"Huh," the man grunted. "I thought he was gay."
"Anyway," Anko cut in before Kisame could cause any widespread destruction, "I want to give myself a concussion trying to motorboat them. How about it, babe?"
"I don't see why not," the woman.
"Score!" Anko announced.
"We can still have fun!" the man from before yelled again and the crowd went wild.
"Alright, alright. Shut up you animals!" Naruto glanced around. "Where's Kaori?"
"She was here a moment ago," Anko murmured, looking around as well.
"Here I am!" Kaori announced as she stumbled out of a nearby building with a bottle of tequila in her hand.
"Oh, no," Naruto grumbled. "Get over here." Kaori swaggered over. "Okay, this is Kaori. She's our new ambassador with Leaf."
"Sup bitches!" Naruto could only sigh, especially when a hand latched onto his ass.
"We are going to have so much fun in a few years!" Anko squealed as she seized the chunin in a hug, a hug that quickly devolved into Kaori motorboating the older woman. "That tickles!"
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. So, I have a bunch of ideas, but I really don't think there's enough for a sequel. Plus I am lazy as a fat fuck, so. . .yeah.
Omake Five: You Knew This Was Coming
"So how'd you get him in there?" Yui asked.
"Genjutsu," Rumiko stated proudly as she stared at the closed door of Naruto's office.
"I can't believe he fell for that," Yui commented.
"The key to genjutsu is to show your target something they want to see," Rumiko said sagely.
"What did you make Naruto see?"
"I made him see a lingerie football team and their cheerleaders talking about how they had won the game and were off to celebrate," Rumiko stated proudly. "He didn't even notice as they led him right into his office."
"Wow." Yui glanced at the closed door. "He must be furious." Rumiko's pride faltered somewhat.
"Yeah," she admitted. "You can tell because he's actually working. The fallout from this is going to be horrible."
"For you," Yui pointed out helpfully.
"For me," Rumiko admitted. Her dark thoughts were interrupted as the door leading into Yui's office banged open and Kaori and Anko strolled in. "Hey, Naruto's busy at the moment."
"Don't care!" Kaori announced, tearing open the door to Naruto's office and strolling in.
"Hey!" Rumiko frowned as she stared down at the hand that had stopped her from grabbing the chunin.
"Just go with this and I'll do that thing you like," Anko stated as the door shut. Rumiko's mouth went dry and her knees went weak.
"Really?"
"After we're done here," Anko replied.
"Okay," Rumiko replied quickly.
"I could stop you too," Yui added quickly.
"Well, I'll take care of you too."
"Yay!" Rumiko slumped into a nearby tree before her legs could give out. Something was bugging her.
"Hey, wasn't Kaori wearing your coat?" Anko just grinned.
(:ii:)
"Hey Naruto!"
"Hey Kiddo," Naruto replied as he stared at a piece of paper like it was trying to steal his soul. "Remind me to make it a requirement that anyone who doesn't write contracts in plain language is subject to becoming the victim of our genins' final test."
"Sounds good to me, but shouldn't you tell that to Yui?" Kaori asked.
"Brilliant!" Naruto snapped. "Yui!"
"Yeah?" Yui asked, peaking into the office.
"Anybody who tries this politician speak bullshit is getting a visit from our genin-to-be, okay?" Naruto asked.
"Rumiko is going to have a cow," Yui commented.
"You've been tongue deep in that woman how many times now and you still don't understand her," Naruto commented. "That's just sad. Anyway, write up a law and give it to Rumiko. She'll cosign it."
". . .if she knows what's good for her?" Yui asked, trying to hide the blush that was spreading across her face.
"Nah. She'll do it because she'll think it's funny," Naruto corrected.
"Bullshit, but whatever," Yui replied skeptically as she took the paper and strode out of the office, shutting the door behind her.
"So," Kaori began.
"So," Naruto replied without looking up, "I'm kind of trying to get this shit done so I can murder Rumiko and not have to worry about papers I could have passed off on her."
"Are you telling me to get out so you can get work done?" Kaori demanded in disbelief.
"No, but yes," Naruto replied. "We can party for a week solid if I waste two hours getting this done now."
"Do you even know what today is?" Kaori demanded.
"Of course I do," Naruto replied as he finished signing a paper. He opened a drawer in his desk and began digging around.
"You're lying!" Kaori accused.
"The hell I am," Naurto replied as he set a small jewelry box on his desk. "Happy birthday Kaori." Kaori picked up the box and stared down at the pair of earrings in shock. "I saw you looking at them. Naruto do good?"
"Naruto do very good," Kaori stated. She had been saving like crazy to afford these damn earrings. "Thank you." A thought struck her and she walked around Naruto's desk and pulled open the drawer he had been searching through.
"Hey, what are you. . ." Kaori stared down into the drawer at the marked calendar and dozens of jewelry boxes.
"That's cheating."
"No, it's not," Naruto replied. "That's dealing with women the smart way." He stared at her for a moment, finally noticing her attire. "What are you wearing?"
"I'm wearing Anko's trench coat!" Kaori announced. Naurto's eyebrows shot up.
"Wow. You stole Anko's trench coat." He paused for a few moments. "You have the biggest metaphorical balls I've ever seen. No brains at all, but huge balls."
"Well the coat isn't the important part," Kaori stated.
"No, the beating you get later is," Naruto stated.
"It's actually what's under the coat that's important," Kaori corrected.
"Why? What's under the coat?"
"I'm glad you asked." Naruto's eyes nearly bugged out as the coat hit the floor.
"So, what about Satomi?"
"She's on her way, but her train got delayed and she sent a message ahead that I should get started now while it's still my birthday."
"Okay."
(:ii:)
"What are you doing?" Rumiko asked as she stared at the woman with her ear pressed up against Naruto's door.
"Shhhh!" Anko hissed. "I'm waiting for my cue."
"For what?" Yui asked.
"For that!" Anko shot to her feet and kicked open the door. "Kaori! How dare you seduce my husband?" Yui and Rumiko glanced at each other. "You must be punished! Prepare for spankings!"
"So. . .lunch?" Yui asked.
"Sure." They quickly made their way out of the office.
-End
(:ii:)
-Author's notes. Happy Valentine's Day. Figured I'd throw up a little romantic diddy to mark the occasion. Heh.
Also, totally wrote this drunk, so. . .yeah. There will be fuckups.