Packed suitcases, bags full of snacks and stored with milk she had spent the day before pumping and preparing. Clothes were worn—black leggings she borrowed from her wife and a long white shirt that covered the never-fading swell of her upper body. She wore her comfiest sneakers and pushed her hair back in a tired bun; she truly needed a haircut. Darkness covered her eyes but it was nothing compared to the pigmented circles beneath her wife's. Sara decided to seek dermal care as soon as they settled back home. She couldn't tolerate how old she had been looking. Everybody noticed the sudden change. Sleepless nights only increased and both bodies collapsed at the end of the day with aching bones. She had no idea how she was going to manage it back home.
Getting her final checkup a day before her departure comforted her and reassured Sara that she was healthy. She didn't heal, though. Her discharge lessened but it was there and it was still quite dark in color and thick in form. It was the natural process of healing, something she hoped she wouldn't have to put up with again. When she arrived home, she was going to warn Emy about it. Birth was a disaster. No warning could describe the pain of it. Nobody could imagine it until they tried it. Sara hadn't warned enough and she blamed her for that.
Phone calls from Stacy did not stop that morning. The plan was for her and Emy to spend the entire weekend with them after driving them from the airport. She was in doubt of that at first until she realized she and Sara were going to be alone with two crying infants. Her mother had been a help they indeed needed, but they had to leave.
Another concern was the flight. Everyone fretted about the babies causing a scene on the plane. Especially Scarlet; she rarely stopped crying. Both babies had been taken to the pediatrician to make sure their health was fine. Scarlet was perfectly healthy but Rose had allergies which she inherited from her mother. Rose was quieter, though. She was even fun to be around. She whined less but was always hungry. Scarlet caused a scene whenever she felt like it. Sara couldn't understand how two infants had such different personalities at such a young age. She called her mother and asked her about her infanthood and Evelyn assured Sara that she had been the laziest, calmest, and most relaxed baby she had ever been around. The conclusion was that Scarlet was almost similar to Tegan. Sonia affirmed this conclusion.
"She cried before changing her diaper and after changing her diaper. She cried before I fed her, when I fed her, and after I fed her. She didn't even like to be fed. She just wanted to be picked up. Attention seeking since day one," Sonia said when she was putting the suitcases in the back of her car. "So be careful because she's gonna make everyone on that plane hate your guts. Tegan did the same when I flew her back from France."
"I still don't know how you managed to give birth to her there."
"She was premature and I had to be there with Stephen for three months. He had some work." Sonia sighed. "They told us she was going to die." Tegan sighed. She had heard the same story countless times during her visit. Sara was tired of hearing it, too. "Thank God she lived," Sonia said while the couple mockingly mouthed to each other without Sonia noticing. Thank God they were going back home.
Sara had to handle picking up Scarlet, moving the suitcases, and making sure Tegan and Rose were safe and well. She put Scarlet against her chest on the plane. It was half empty; good for them. She switched seats with Tegan since nobody sat behind her so Tegan could push back her chair and sit comfortably.
The seven hours were not smooth at all. Once Scarlet began her storm of cries, she didn't quiet down. The mothers did their best. Sara fed her children and changed their diapers. Napping was not an option for Scarlet. Sonia was right; everybody probably hated them on that plane.
"Shhhhh," Sara whispered and rocked. "What's wrong with you, little one?" She kissed her daughter's forehead. Her finger had been caged inside Scarlet's tiny hand for the past few hours. "Please calm down."
Tegan did try holding Scarlet only to hear the loudest screech since she gave birth to her. She wondered if something hurt her. "Maybe she's scared?" she wondered loudly.
"Why? Rose seems fine." They both looked at their other daughter with her wide bewildered eyes. "Even Rose is weirded out by her sister's cries," Sara commented. "Hey, Rosie," she called and snapped her fingers. "Rose," she sang quietly. "Look at me." Tegan giggled because Rose was just too focused on her twin's cries to notice her mother's.
"Can they see?"
"They're barely a month old so I doubt their vision is clear." Smiled Sara. "But it looks like she can tell her sister is not happy." Finally, Rose looked up at her mother. She drooled way too much. "Look at that," Sara whispered as she reached for the bib around her daughter's neck to wipe the saliva. "Messy baby, aren't you?" Tegan planted a kiss on her head.
During that moment, both mothers wished Scarlet were like Rose.
It was even harder when Tegan had to use the bathroom. Rose and Scarlet both with Sara was not a good combination. Scarlet clearly didn't like her sister sharing her mother, or so Sara thought. She sent ashamed smiles around the plane. Angry faces met hers and she regretted travelling economic class. Sonia had offered to pay for business class so they could be more comfortable but she refused. She didn't want her mother-in-law to pay for any more services. She had just received her paycheck for the missing months she had been in conflict with the university and could finally spend some money. First thing she did was order a few necessities for the babies. She desperately needed the baby monitoring device that was equipped with a camera. She ordered more clothes online and a rocking chair. Jeremy's gift was two baby chairs so she decided go back home and see if the chairs were good enough before purchasing the ones she desired. Stacy and Emy had been helping setting up the nursery for the past week, sending the couple a few pictures of the updates.
"I think I have to pump," Tegan said when she returned. "It's very messy in there. I freed some of the milk in the sink."
"Uh…" Sara hesitated. She knew her wife had to feed or pump every two to three hours but she couldn't be left alone with both of them. "Tee, just two more hours left. Please wait." She handed Rose back to Tegan who nodded in disappointment.
"Can I feed her?"
"No," Sara answered immediately. Tegan rolled her eyes. "Don't get me wrong. It's just that we're already the center of attention and there are a lot of disgusting men in here."
"Nobody cares and nobody will see. I'm next to the window." Tegan sighed. "I wish you didn't act like an annoying man sometimes."
Sara shut her eyes tightly and bit her bottom lip. She wished that, too. Tears streamed down her face. She turned around to hide them even though she could tell her wife spotted them. Scarlet had made a mess of her shirt. It was full of tears, saliva and mucus. She unbuttoned the first two buttons to get some air on her heated chest. Instead, her daughter pushed her face on her upper chest and decided to resume her tears in there.
She looked down at the scene with parted lips, finally understanding what it feels like to form a bond with an offspring. A little gasp came out of her lungs when she felt Scarlet suckling on her skin, searching for comfort and food.
"Is she sucking your neck?" Tegan asked.
"Yeah," Sara answered, still looking down at her daughter. "I guess she wants to be fed."
"But you just fed her."
"Breastfed," Sara whispered. Tegan sat back with a triumphant nod. "It's not because I'm jealous people might look at you with prying eyes," Sara remarked. "I know they do anyway. To the two of us."
"Mhm."
"I just don't want them to see you feeding them and then having this image in their head that you're the real mother and I'm just the tired old woman who sleeps with you." Tegan shook her head. "Be disappointed in me, but I still need help when it comes to this. I'm trying my best not to be jealous of you."
"Of me?" Tegan asked in surprise. Rose had fallen asleep and Scarlet had finally pacified her own tears with Sara's skin. "Oh." Then Tegan got it.
"I'm trying to control me so please put up with it. I did expect this but I didn't know it would affect me this much."
"If anything, Sara, I feel like they love you more than me." Sara smiled through tears. "Look at her sucking your neck. I wonder if she knows that's not how breastfeeding works. She seems dumb." Sara laughed loudly. She received a glare from a stranger. "Oops. I think he thinks you're breastfeeding her and he just glared at you."
"He stared at my breasts, didn't he?"
"He did." Tegan laughed. "You're happy now?" Sara nodded with a flushed face. "I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry." She turned around to kiss her wife's forehead.
Stacy was alone in the airport. She squeezed the two of them and almost cried staring at the shrieking babies. "My God," she gasped with tears in her blue eyes. "They are so beautiful." Sara smiled. "Let me help you," she offered, taking the two suitcases that Sara was pulling. "Emy and Ella are at your house because the food is in the oven and I thought we could use the space in the car," she explained.
"I have to pee," Tegan whispered, "badly."
"Alright, umm, you can give me the baby…" Stacy began.
"They both need changing or we'll have to put up with a stinky car ride," Sara interrupted. "I have to pee, too." Sara hadn't even used the bathroom in seven hours. Her bladder was going to burst.
"Well, we have to divide this then," Tegan said. "I really have to go first because I think my pad needs changing." Stacy's face immediately turned reddish in hue. She stood there with a stunned face as she waited for Tegan to give her Rose. "Too much information. Sorry." Sara smiled apologetically. Tegan had honestly thought they were past this awkward stage. After all, Stacy had seen her naked.
"That's the same shy Tegan?" Stacy wondered loudly when Tegan left.
"Yeah, well, motherhood changed her." Sara laughed. "I think she's just comfortable around you now, Stace."
Sara's turn was next. Tegan faced Stacy as they stared at each other in an awkward silence amidst the crowded airport.
"How was giving birth?"
"Terrible," Tegan answered.
"They're beautiful."
"Thanks," Tegan whispered again. Scarlet was with Tegan now and Rose was still with Stacy. "I think there's something wrong with my discharge," Tegan said worriedly.
Stacy looked up.
"It's heavy. Too heavy and too dark again. It's like a period."
"Shit," Stacy mumbled. "Are you in pain?"
"No, but…I've been feeling nauseous, dizzy, and feverish for the past few hours."
"Shit. Shit. You might be getting an infection or something."
"Please don't tell Sara until we get home." Sara was approaching them. "Please."
"Okay, the bathroom is so crowded. We can't change for them there so I guess we'll have to wait. Sorry, Stacy. You'll have to put up with this." Sara wrinkled her nose.
Both women nodded with pale faces masking the fear inside. The car ride was filled with silence and nerves. Sara chatted a little bit with Stacy but the other woman continued staring at Tegan from the mirror, feeling more anxious by the minute.
The cries increased and Stacy had to make a stop next to the nearest trash bin so Sara could change for her babies in the car. Lucky them, Jack had gotten them car seats. Stacy installed both in her car temporarily so they could be comfortable during this ride.
Emy squealed and jumped when she saw Tegan with her babies. She wanted to hug her but was too afraid she would squeeze the infant in the sling. "I can't believe it. I can't fucking believe it. There are two of them. Oh my God, you're a fucking mum."
"Chill," Tegan said with laughter. Her eyes met the toddler's innocent ones as she stood far away in the corner. She didn't greet nor step closer to the scene of excitement.
"Ella," Tegan called, "come here. I miss you. Come see my babies." Ella rolled her eyes and walked away.
"I'm sorry," Stacy apologized embarrassingly. "She's a bit…umm, jealous."
"Oh."
"Expected," Sara remarked with laughter. "We'll talk to her."
Stacy showed them the nursery, fully ready for their use and the babies' comfort.
"Fucking finally," said Tegan. "This is so nice."
"Thank you so much, Stace."
"No need. Go rest, you two. We'll help you with them." She tried taking Rose from Sara but the loud cries were the response. "Oh, come here. I'm auntie Stacy."
"Rosie, go to Stacy. Mama needs to rest, love." Rose cried and cried and Emy stood there staring at the noisy babies and the distressed mother.
"Em, get Scarlet." Emy hesitated. "Come on," Stacy said. "You'll have a new sibling soon."
"What?" shouted Tegan.
"My mum's fucking pregnant." Sighed Emy. "Surprise."
"Wow." Tegan handed Scarlet calmly. "Look, even if she cried, she never calms down. I just need to talk to Sara in our bedroom for a bit and I'll call you."
"It's fine, Tee. Keep them here. I'll try to put them to sleep. I think you two need some sleep," Stacy said. "I'll handle it. I'm used to this." She looked around for her daughter but Ella was nowhere to find.
"She's in the kitchen alone," Emy said.
Stacy sighed. "I'll talk to her in a bit," she mumbled to herself.
Sara stared at her wife, neglecting the side talk from her friends. She studied the nerved facial expressions. Tegan blinked. They excused themselves to their bedroom and sat down on the mattress. It felt too good to finally be in their house. Sara wanted to cry. She thought she wouldn't see it again.
"What's wrong?"
"My discharge is a bit heavy and dark," said Tegan. "I don't want you to worry. There isn't any pain. I just feel feverish. I texted mum and asked her about it on our way here. She said it's normal to happen but if I feel something strange I have to see a doctor immediately."
"Why didn't you tell me?" The paleness took away the joyful pink hue on her face. Sara began rocking her legs as she sat on her mattress. "When did it happen?"
"I just realized it's heavier when we were in the airport. I didn't wanna worry you. It's been half an hour only." Tegan got up. "I'll go check now."
"Can I see?"
"No," Tegan shot right away.
"Come on." Sara followed to the bathroom but the door was slammed in her face. "Are you serious?"
"Just let me have this private moment, please." Sara sighed. "I'll call you if it's bad."
Sara waited outside. She called a few times but Tegan only groaned.
"Come on," Sara shouted and knocked on the door. "I'll come in." She knew the door was locked, though. "Fuck."
Tegan opened the door, making her wife gasp. "I can't shit in peace?" Sara rolled her eyes. "Nothing's wrong. It's light again." Sara sighed.
"Promise?"
"Yes, Sara. I promise." She sat down on the mattress. "I need pajamas." Sara walked to the closet to fetch her some.
"This will do. You wore it when you were just pregnant."
"I'm heavier now."
"Nah. You look the same as you did when you were 20 weeks pregnant." Tegan knew it was a lie. She did not look like that at all. She didn't answer back, though. "I wanna take a very quick shower. Is that okay?"
"Yeah." Tegan was taking her clothes off. "I have to pump. Can you get me the pump first?"
Emy and Stacy sat in the nursery with the newborns around. Sara checked in on them every few minutes while Tegan pumped, slept, and rested in her room. The babies had begun to quiet down. One problem was Ella who sheltered herself to the corner of the room. She didn't want to be there but her mother forced her to stay where everyone was. She folded her arms and sat there silently, eyes shooting daggers at the two whiny babies.
"Elle," Sara whispered when she came in with fresh pajamas and wet hair. "Wanna come with me downstairs?"
"Sara, why don't you rest?" Stacy asked. "Go get some sleep. You haven't slept in ages."
"It's fine, Stace. I'll chat with Ella a little bit and then I'll take a little nap. Tegan and I are taking shifts." She sighed. She looked at Emy for a moment then pointed. "Don't do it now…you're too young," she contradicted her own thoughts and beliefs. It was a surprise for both women to hear that.
Emy's eyes widened and Stacy's cheeks reddened. "I'm not even thinking about it," Emy whispered bashfully. She scratched the back of her head and looked down at the baby in the chair. She really wished she could tell the difference. Neither she nor her girlfriend was able to tell who's who but they tried their best not to mix them up from the time Sara had handed them.
Ella obeyed. She took Sara's hand and walked out with her.
"Did you talk to her?" asked Emy, not meeting her girlfriend's eyes.
"No," Stacy muttered. "But I will." She lifted up her face and pecked the soft lips. "Don't worry." Emy nodded.
Sara prepared coffee as Ella sat quietly at the table. "So, did you miss me like I missed you, El?"
Ella nodded.
"I need to hear it."
"Yes." Sara smiled. She poured the steaming coffee into her mug.
"Are you hungry?" Ella shook her head. "I am a little bit hungry, but I'm supposed to wait for everyone." Sara revealed what's inside the oven. Her stomach grumbled and Ella giggled at the sound. "Oh, so that's funny."
"Yes," Ella said with a nod.
"Imma take a little bite of this roast chicken but don't tell anyone. I hope I don't mess it."
"No, no," Ella shouted. "Mummy will be angry." Sara's hand was stopped by Ella's shout. "There's a cake in there." Ella pointed at the fridge. "Mummy and Emy made it."
"Oh. Yay. Can I eat a bit from that?" Ella nodded. "What if they get angry?"
"No. They will not."
"If Ella is so sure then I trust her." Sara winked. "Want a slice, too?"
"No," Ella said. "I'm not hungry."
Sara studied the orange cake. It was too delightful to ruin. It was well-decorated with orange slices on top and it smelled like heaven. She decided to leave it and reach for the gingerbread cookies on the table. She figured Stacy had baked those.
"These are yummy," Ella said. "Jeremy made them."
Oh.
She studied the piece before taking a bite. She knew Jeremy couldn't bake. Maybe it was his girlfriend, she thought. She bit on the cookie carefully. Some of the crumbs fell on the table. She wanted to moan as the sweetness hit her taste buds. "These are delicious."
Ella nodded with a grin. She reached for a cookie and took a bite. Her feet danced under the table.
"So, El, why are you so upset?"
"I'm not." Ella avoided staring at Sara.
"Yes, you are." Ella shook her head. "You didn't say hi to Tegan and you didn't wanna get close to our babies." Ella stopped eating her cookie. She shook her head and began to cry. "What's wrong?" Sara asked softly. "Did we do something wrong?"
"Tegum doesn't love me anymore."
"Of course she does." Sara got up from her seat and knelt down in front of the toddler. "Why do you think she doesn't?"
"Because she has new babies now and she will not love me."
"She loves all of you."
"No," Ella insisted.
"She loves you so much and she misses you. She's so sad you didn't run to her and you didn't give her a hug."
"She is?" Ella looked up. She wiped her tears and grabbed the half-bitten cookie again. "What about your babies?" Ella said while chewing.
"She loves all of you. Plus, you're the real deal. Those babies don't understand a thing. All they do is cry and poop." Ella laughed. "You're a big girl and we talk to you. You understand us."
"So you love me more?" Sara sighed, thinking of the proper words to deal with a five-year old.
"We love you all equally."
Ella nodded. "They are pretty," she finally said. "But they look the same." She giggled.
"I know, right?" Sara gave her a hug. She kissed her forehead. "They're twins."
"They cry a lot," Ella said loudly. "It's annoying."
"Tell me about it, El." Sara pecked her right cheek and stood up again. "They're really annoying."
"I don't wanna marry them because I don't like babies who cry," Ella has decided.
"Well, all babies cry. You cried, too. But it's fine if you don't wanna marry them." Ella nodded. "So we're good?"
"Yup." She picked another cookie and munched on it happily. "I wanna go see Tegum." She got out of her seat, ready to walk out of the kitchen.
"Wait up, El. Tegan's asleep. When she wakes up, you'll see her." Sara followed with three cookies and her coffee mug in her hand.
Tegan was too exhausted. She woke up later at night when Ella had fallen asleep. The couple and the professor had given up on her waking up soon and decided to eat dinner alone when Sara and Stacy put the twins to sleep.
"You seem so tired," Stacy commented.
"I am." Laughed, Sara. "I don't sleep, Stacy." They were alone in the kitchen. Emy was in the living room upstairs. She had to call her mother. "I really don't."
"She doesn't help?" Sara sighed. "She doesn't?"
"She does," Sara said. "A lot, actually. She's very good with them."
"But?" Stacy turned around. She had been washing a few dishes because most of them were in the dishwasher.
"She's so fucking young to handle this and I feel so ashamed to have put her through it." Sara shook her legs rapidly as she sat down, nursing a glass of red wine.
Stacy wiped her wet hands with a towel and sat down beside her best friend. "That's something I didn't expect to hear from you. Are you regretting it?"
"I am not," Sara said. She paused. Her index finger traced the rim of the glass. "You know, I feel like I am selfish."
"We all are."
"With her in particular. The pain she had to go through was awful. I forgot how fucked up and painful this process is. I traumatized her."
"What do you mean?"
Sara rubbed her tired eyes then spoke, "She has nightmares about giving birth."
"I've had those, too," Stacy said with a chuckle. "It's normal."
"I know but we were kinda more ready?"
"You never are ready for this moment." Stacy sighed. "Ever."
Sara shrugged. "I feel like I have to do more to make her feel better. I was so shocked when she changed her mind about breastfeeding. It's a good decision, for sure, but I really don't want her to do anything she can't tolerate."
"Look, if she did it on her own without any manipulations from you then don't worry about it. She probably wants it." Sara did tend to be manipulative and she, herself, couldn't deny it. "Many mothers in the hospital are so opposed to breastfeeding at the beginning and once they see their babies they change their minds, so don't worry about this."
"I didn't force her at all. Her mother kept nagging about it, but you know how stubborn Tegan is. She would not do what her mother says at all."
"So don't feel bad." Stacy shrugged.
"I'm just trying to help as much as I can. I let her sleep. I take care of the babies. I sacrifice all of my time because she did this for me." Stacy nodded. "Plus, I'm going back to work soon so she'll be left alone with them." Stacy nodded again.
"You okay?" Sara asked, noticing the discomfort her best friend was projecting.
"I just thought you'd never be back," Stacy whispered. "I was so worried. I actually cried when you left."
"I thought I'd never be back, too." Sara's hand touched her friend's and gave it a small squeeze. "But here I am." She grinned.
"Umm, hi, sorry…to…umm…"
"Yes, Em," Stacy said. "We're having a moment here. Missed each other." Stacy winked at her friend and Sara laughed a little. "Is everything okay? Your mum's fine?"
"Yeah, she is." Emy stepped closer. "Tegan woke up. I'm gonna get her some food so…"
"Oh, really?" Sara got up but Stacy pulled her hand and pulled her down again. She almost stumbled by the foot of the table.
"Let her take the food to her. Let them bond like we just did." Stacy nodded towards her hesitant girlfriend. "Plus, I want to talk to you about something a bit personal." Sara furrowed her brows and nodded. Emy blushed heavily so Sara figured out it had to do with the two of them. Her heart began to drum nervously. She took one sip after the other as she watched Emy heating the food for her wife.
Rose was on the mattress next to Tegan while Scarlet remained asleep.
Rose's cries had disturbed her slumber. She took a peek at the monitor and saw one of her babies crying. She hurried up to the nursery to pick up the crying infant before the other woke up. She had thought it was Scarlet but when she picked her up and took a close and careful look she realized it's Rose. She kissed her a few times and rocked her gently until her cries turned into whimpers. When she left the room, she saw her best friend. Emy told her she'd bring her food and Tegan accepted it quickly; she was very hungry. She headed to the room and put Rose down on the mattress as she watched the other baby sleep softly through the camera.
When Emy walked in, she smiled at the scene. She gave Tegan her plate and a glass of water. "Sara says that you should take your vitamins."
"Yeah, I know." Tegan averted her gaze from the camera. "Thanks, Em." Emy smiled and sat down on the other side, too careful not to lift her feet up and invade Sara's side of the bed. "This one sleeps so weirdly," commented Tegan as she took another peek at the screen. She chuckled. "She has both hands clutched closely to her mouth and she keeps moving her lips. She's dreaming of food, I guess." Tegan laughed. She looked back at her other daughter, whose wide eyes stared up at the ceiling as she drooled peacefully.
"Okay, embarrassing question but who's who?" Emy asked sheepishly. "I mean, who's this?"
"This is Rose," Tegan responded with a bite in her mouth. "The one sleeping is the troublemaker."
Emy laughed. "Why?"
"She never stops crying when she's awake."
"What if something's bothering her?"
Tegan denied with a brow raise as she chewed her food. "She's just an attention seeker. She wants to be carried all the time."
"They're so cute." Emy touched Rose's hand and her finger was immediately caged between the tiny flesh. "Look!"
"Yeah, I know."
"I missed you," Emy whispered bashfully.
"I did, too." Tegan smiled. "I'm glad I'm back."
"Me, too."
Emy played with Rose a little bit until Scarlet's cries interrupted the conversation between the two women. Tegan sighed.
"I'll get her," Emy offered. "Finish your food."
"Sure you can carry her?" Emy nodded. "Be careful!"
Emy seemed more nervous than usual. It was obvious. Her facial expressions were distracted, as if she didn't focus well. She seemed lost in her own thoughts and troubled by her mind. Tegan couldn't crack the code and she was too tired to question it. She just hoped her friend would be able to carry her baby. She watched her closely through the monitoring camera until her silhouette disappeared. A moment later she stepped into the room with crying Scarlet.
"Put her on the mattress next to her sister." Emy did so with hands shaking. "Wow, you're so scared to hold her."
"She's so small," Emy said. "And tender."
Scarlet continued crying which made her sister direct her gaze towards her. She looked at her with wide eyes. Their hands touched for a little bit and Scarlet almost grabbed her sister's but didn't know how to keep her grip.
"Scar," Tegan called softly, "look at me, baby." Scarlet didn't. Her eyes were closed and she was crying. "Damn."
"Seriously, how can you tell the difference between them? They're exactly the same."
"I barely can." Tegan wondered if she should let Scarlet cry it out until she calmed down or she should hold her. She felt her heart breaking the more her baby cried. She knew the infant wanted to be carried. Maybe she wanted to feel safe. Why would she not feel safe? Why was her sister so quiet and she was so whiny? Tegan munched on her food and thought it over. "Sara can, though. Very easily. I don't even know how."
"I don't think I'll ever tell the difference."
"I think you need to spend a lot of time with them to notice the differences. Sometimes when I wake up at night to nurse one of them, I don't even know which one I'm nursing and it's very confusing for me. Sara makes them wear different clothes or colors so we can tell the difference but it's so cute when they're wearing the same shit."
Scarlet gave up and found her sister's cheek and began to suck on it. Rose began to cry while Scarlet found a way to pacify her tears.
"Oh my God," cried Emy loudly. "She thinks it's…ummm."
"I guess she's hungry." Tegan laughed. She put her food down and picked her up. "You thought your sister's face was my tit, didn't you?" Scarlet's tears were resumed.
"Wanna feed her?" Emy asked. Tegan put her against her chest and began rubbing her small back. "I'll turn around."
Tegan laughed softly. It was that kind of laugh that made Emy insecure about her words. "No, Em," Tegan muttered. "I've pumped, don't worry."
The truth is she was too shy to breastfeed in front of her friend or Stacy. She thought she wouldn't be but when the idea was almost manifested, she retreated. It was so easy to nurse in front of her sister-in-law because she barely knew her but something just felt off about doing it in front of her friends.
Tegan asked Emy to bring her two bottles from the nursery. She was sure Sara put them there and she was not mistaken. She showed Emy how to feed Rose as she fed Scarlet.
"This is so nice," Emy said with wide blue eyes and parted lips. "I can't believe my mum's pregnant. I'm probably gonna end up raising that baby."
"I can't believe it, too." The mother took a look at her other infant to make sure she's being fed properly. Rose's eyes were closed. It made her mother smile. "Isn't she a bit old?"
"Yeah," Emy said. "Let's be real she's just a bit older than our partners." Emy sighed.
"Oh, about that…does she…"
"No," Emy shot, interrupting her friend. "She doesn't know yet and I'm fucking screwed if she does." An anxious sigh came out of her lips. "And my dad's a lawyer. He'll probably plan something to hurt Stacy and I love her so much. I don't want him to hurt her."
"Aww, Em." Tears fell out of her friend's eyes. "You really do love her."
"She asked me to be her domestic partner." Emy breathed out. "It's um…like getting…"
"A civil union. Wow, shut up!" Tegan's shout disturbed her daughter. She searched for the noise and stopped suckling. "Sorry, babe." She kissed her forehead and tried to make her latch onto the nipple of the bottle again. "I won't shout again, I swear." Scarlet was too focused on her mother's face to suckle. "Are you full?" A gurgling sound came out of the infant's lips and a ghost of a smile followed as she closed her eyes and resumed nursing. "That's so cute, wow."
"It's really cute, to be honest." Emy was fascinated by Tegan's own fascination with her babies. She had heard Sara saying she treated them as if they're some dolls she owned but she hadn't imagined it to be that way. "Anyway, yes. It is. It's legal. There's paperwork. She's gonna talk to Sara about it, too."
"Wow. That's huge news, Em."
"It is." Emy breathed in and out. "I want it. I've never been sure about something more in my life."
"But?"
"My parents," she whined. "They'll kill me. They will end me. They're so against relationships with an age gap."
"Isn't your dad, like, older than your mum?"
"Three years," Emy said. Tegan nodded. "I mean. They're right about it. It's really fucked up we're with older people. Much older than us."
"Well, I never really cared. I've always been into older women."
"You have a fetish, we know." Emy laughed. "But it's just gonna make things shitty for me with my parents. I was gonna tell mum and then she tells me she's knocked up so I was like, nah, not now." Emy sighed. "She's asleep." Tegan looked at her daughter and sighed. She hoped she'd wake up soon or else she and Sara were going to spend the night awake.
"She sleeps whenever she nurses." Scarlet was still awake. "Each one of them has some bad habit, I swear. And they're both just like me. All the bad traits, Em." Emy laughed though her nerves made her tears run down against her will. She felt so paranoid and irritable and she couldn't help it.
Tegan did not overthink it, but Sara did. She stared at her wife as she nursed her infants later that night and contemplated whether she should ask her about the conversation that had happened between her and Emy.
Sara rubbed her wife's feet and Tegan enjoyed every bit of it. It was way past midnight and their friends had gone to sleep a long time before.
"I want you to sleep, Sara."
"I will." Sara yawned at the idea of sleep. How lovely it would be to finally rest her aching limbs without any crying or whining or shouting in the background! Those days such thoughts seemed almost impossible. "What did you and Emy talk about?" she finally asked.
Tegan sighed. "She told me about Stacy asking her to be her domestic partner. Isn't that like…marriage or something?"
"Not technically," Sara said. She left her wife's feet and asked again, "What do you think about this?"
"I mean…what can I think?" Tegan shrugged. "They're in love and I'm not one to judge when I literally married you after two months of knowing you." Sara snorted. "Seriously!"
"I know but Stacy's not me. She can be tough to handle."
"No shit!" Tegan hissed. "Fuck, don't do that, Rose." Sara heard her daughter whining as she nursed. "Emy's shitting her pants about her parents finding out."
"Yeah, Stacy told me." Sara shifted her body closer to her wife. She rested her head against the headboard and stared at her wife's nursing process. "Did she tell you why?"
"Why what?" Tegan's face grew hot the longer her wife stared. "Sara, don't stare," she whispered.
Sara pushed her head back with laughter. "Are you serious?"
"You have such prying eyes."
"I'm just making sure you're doing it right."
"Right." Tegan rolled her eyes.
"I swear!" Sara whined, begging to be believed.
"Anyway, I didn't get your question. Tell me why about what?"
"Why Stacy asked that."
Tegan hummed as she thought for a second then shook her head. "I didn't even ask her. She just told me she wants it badly and she's so in love with Stacy."
Sara nodded. "Yeah, I guess they're really in love. I've never seen Stacy so…crazy about someone."
"Really?" Sara shook her head. "Then this is good, right?"
"I guess, yes." Sara yawned again. "Let me take them to the nursery, they're falling asleep."
"Okay," Tegan whispered, handing her wife her youngest twin first. "Put her down and be back for Scarlet."
Once they were alone and the lights were off, Sara pushed her body closer to her wife; a small gesture that Tegan quickly understood. She took her hands in her own and faced her with their foreheads touching. They had been searching for those small moments of affection lately. That's all they could get and it didn't last too long. They cherished it, however. Sara pecked her wife's nose and Tegan returned the kiss with a giggle.
"My breath smells bad," Tegan commented.
"No," Sara whispered as if being loud was going to tear away her passion. "Can I kiss your lips?"
Tegan giggled again. "Yes, silly."
She was so tender and gentle like a summer's breeze. Her giggle made Sara's heart skip a beat and Sara's stomach churn. Her lips were as sweet and as soft as munching on colored cotton candy in Disney Land. Sara couldn't get enough of her sweetness. She was a drug; a song; a tranquil river of white roses. Sara's hands rubbed her soft muscular arms; a contradiction she loved. She ran her hand down feeling the tiny hairs and the beginning of goosebumps declaring their arrival. She deepened the kiss; taking a little bit more sugar. Tegan's tongue massaged her own and they danced together without moving their bodies. Who needed to take a breath when they kissed Tegan, anyway? Certainly not her. In moments like those, she was too afraid she'd wake up from a dream in her old bedroom in 2013; a dream about her student. How provocative, lustful, and crude it was to dream about her in that tight black top she wore as she sat silently in the last row, listened and stared and burned. When she spoke a storm followed; and when their eyes met, Sara felt the thunder. What if it was a dream of sickness and death? Those lonely moments before a soul left a body? What if it had been the hour before she said goodbye to the world?
"Sara," Tegan interrupted. Sara gasped and opened her eyes, noticing the kiss was over and it was not a dream. She smiled like a silly child and sighed in relief. "Are you okay?"
"I love you," Sara said foolishly.
"I think you should, ummm…" Tegan cleared her throat.
"What?"
"Masturbate, Sara. You need it." Sara paused. Had she been moaning? She couldn't remember but…yes, she had. She had also rocked her body against her wife's knees. She took a deep breath full of shame. "It's normal. You've done it before."
"I know," Sara said. "I just want to wait for you."
"I might take a long time to feel this again," Tegan whispered. She shifted her position from facing Sara to facing the ceiling.
Sara didn't respond. She understood it. "I'll go take my vitamins and wash up. I'll be right back."
Tegan didn't have it in her to cry or feel bad. Sara, out of all people, was supposed to understand her.
She expected Sara to be back later but it only took a few minutes and the duvet was lifted up again and Sara's cold feet touched hers again. She shivered. "Sorry," Sara muttered.
"If they wake up, please don't get them. I'll get them. I've slept well."
"Okay," Sara said. She had something to say. She wanted to say it. She didn't want to think about it until it evaporated. She was there to support her wife not make her feel terrible about herself. "Tegan, after birth I didn't have sex for years. I didn't touch myself for years."
Tegan turned around again. Though it was pitch dark, Sara could still make her face. "Really?"
"You were the first person I slept with after birth." Tegan gasped loudly. "It's different for me because I was also depressed and ill."
"Yeah, I know, but wow."
"Well…" Sara sighed. "I'm just trying to tell you it's normal you feel repulsed by me."
"I don't feel repulsed by you; I just don't feel attracted to any human being right now." Sara laughed a little. "I like kissing you though, so that's a good sign."
"It definitely is good. After birth whenever Jack tried to get close to me I wanted to puke."
"Men are nasty anyway." Sara laughed loudly. "We should really sleep because the monsters will wake up and destroy our peace."
"You're right." Sighed Sara and wished her partner a good night.
The monsters indeed woke up a few times at night. The last one was a little bit after seven. Tegan wanted to breastfeed and Sara couldn't fall back asleep anymore. She hoped their constant crying didn't disturb her friends. She closed the door of her bedroom with her wife and kids inside as she helped Tegan adjust her position on the mattress.
"Do you wanna sit on a chair? Move your body?" she asked.
"No, I'm comfortable this way." Tegan yawned. "I'm a little bit hungry but I wanna feed them before Stacy and Emy wake up."
"Aww, shy?" Tegan nodded. "I told you!"
"I don't know why." Sara picked Scarlet and put her on Tegan's left side. "No, put her on the right one. She was on my left last night." Sara sighed and did as she was told. She couldn't understand why Tegan always wanted to change the position.
"It all tastes the same," she commented. Tegan laughed.
"I read it on the inter…" The doorknob moved and the door opened slowly. Tegan paused. She was just unbuttoning her pajama shirt.
It was Ella with her hair all over her face, her red cheeks vibrant in color. Tegan smiled immediately. Ella closed the door carefully and slowly and Sara chuckled a little. She was barefoot and her pajama pants had ridden up halfway her legs, stopping just a bit below the knees.
"Good morning," Sara greeted, extending her arms for Ella to fall into them.
"Good morning," Ella whispered shyly, throwing her body at Sara, who attempted picking her up but regretted it immediately.
"My God, you're heavy." Sara put her on the mattress where Tegan was sitting with the babies on her nursing pillow, waiting impatiently to be fed.
"Tegum," she said confidently as she stood on her knees, "I'm sorry."
Tegan laughed. "For what?"
"For not saying hi to you yesterday." Ella nodded, finishing up what she had practiced to say. "I miss you." She opened up her arms, waiting for Tegan to invite her in but Tegan couldn't. Therefore she kissed her cheek a couple times and gave her a side hug. "Your babies are cute but annoying."
"I know, aren't they?" Ella giggled as she stared down at the screeching infants. "They're hungry." Tegan's eyes met her wife's. "Can I feed them?"
"Yes, you can." Ella nodded again and waited.
Sara called her name, trying to distract her. "So, Ella, how was your sleep?" Ella turned around to look at Sara and Tegan took the chance to unbutton her shirt and uncover her chest for Scarlet to latch on first. She had always found trouble with Scarlet latching on so she wanted to get it over with.
"It was good." Ella turned around again. "Where does the milk come from?" she asked.
"It comes from the mummy," Sara answered as Ella contemplated.
"Do you have milk?" Ella asked Sara with a raised brow and Sara laughed.
"I don't."
"But you're a mummy."
"Yes, but I wasn't the one who got pregnant. It was Teetee." Ella hummed. Tegan helped her other daughter latch on and Ella gasped.
"They both have milk?" she asked loudly. "How?"
Tegan was surprised to hear that question and Sara, too, couldn't find a quick answer for it.
"It's just the way it is," Tegan responded.
"Is it because they're twins?"
"No," Tegan answered. "It just happens if they were twins or one baby."
"Did mummy have milk in both boobies?" the toddler wondered loudly.
"Yes, she did," answered Sara. She picked up Ella and put her on her lap, kissing her cheek.
"Does it hurt?" Ella had many questions and whenever they answered one, another followed.
"A little bit, but I'm alright." Ella nodded. "Do you like them? My babies?"
"No," Ella answered honestly. "They…" The door opened again and interrupted everyone this time. It was frantic Stacy. Tegan tried to cover up herself but it was no use. Stacy didn't even stare nor notice.
"Fucking Ella," she said loudly. "How many times have I said not to leave without telling me?" Stacy was in her half sleeping state with her hair pointing in every direction and her eyes half-closed.
"Mummy, don't curse." Ella shushed and pointed at her mother. "You're naughty."
"I know, isn't she?" Sara pecked Ella's cheek again. "Since when do you curse like that?"
"It's because of naughty Emy," Ella answered. Stacy sighed.
"I'm so sorry," Stacy apologized to Tegan. "She won't learn."
"It's fine, Stace. Chill," Sara said. Stacy sighed. "She asked a few questions and we talked to her about them."
"I've already told her everything she wants to know about this. What did she ask?" Stacy's eyes shifted quickly from Sara's face to Tegan's and back to Sara's.
"She was very surprised both boobies have milk." Crimson blotches covered Stacy's face.
"Well, that's a new question." She yawned and looked back at Tegan. "How's your discharge?"
"Not bad," answered Tegan. "Is Emy still asleep?"
"No. She doesn't want to invade your personal moment. She said you're shy about this so…"
"Yeah, we are," Sara answered. The friends exchanged a quick glance; a sign immediately understood.
"I'm going to prepare breakfast for everyone. Ella, come with me, please. You have to wash your face and brush your teeth. Your breath probably stinks."
"Mummy," shouted Ella in embarrassment. She joined her mother and both left the room.
"What was that?" Tegan asked.
"Huh?"
"We're both shy?" she imitated her wife's squeaky octave.
"I'm shy about Emy looking at you breastfeeding."
"Wow." Tegan rolled her eyes.
"What?" Sara shouted. "I was trying to get them out of them room. Aren't you shy?"
"What the fuck? Don't yell."
"I'm sorry," Sara said frustratingly. She left to the bathroom.
Over breakfast, Tegan avoided anything her wife said. They chatted about random subjects but the focus was on the babies. Tegan shared her birth experience and whenever her wife added a point, Tegan ignored it. The tension clouded the kitchen and was properly inhaled by the other two women.
"Anyway, enough about me. How's life with you two? How's work, Emy?"
Emy sighed, but it was not a sad or distressed type of sigh. She had a fresh smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes. "Pretty good actually." She nodded with a grin.
"She's registered in a teaching program," Stacy said. "You know, teachers college?" The couple nodded as Emy smiled shyly and Stacy did so brightly.
"Stacy encouraged me."
"It's way better for her career. She's done with her Master's program. Now she should do this. This way she can teach in public schools. Can be a certified teacher." Tegan and Sara eyed each other. It was a quick glance but revealed too many harbored emotions.
"I really didn't want to. I want to be a professor eventually, but Stacy said this is a start." Stacy nudged her partner lovingly.
"I want you to have the best career you dream of. Once you have your PhD, you'll already be experienced in teaching."
"I'm proud of you, Em," Tegan said with a smile.
In her bedroom, however, she cried for hours. Sara attempted to distract her but she couldn't. The feeling was something like a yellow liquid running inside your body, invading each part of it; the sinews, the veins, the arteries, the tubes, the cells. Then it all accumulated in her heart and drummed with the beat. It did not feel good.
"I don't have a career," she repeated silently. She didn't want her friend to hear her loud jealousy. "I'm a loser. My dreams are all dead. I'm just a mum."
"I'm sorry," Sara kept repeating. Envy and jealousy also ran through her system. That's not the life she wanted for her partner, yet she caused it to her. She took away her right of having a fulfilling career. She took away her youth and energy. "I did this."
"No." Tegan sniffled. That time, her daughters didn't cry. They stared at her as she wept. Both were silent, sprawled on the mattress with their hands clutched together without their mothers noticing. One of them had a runny nose. The other had a red face.
"I promise you once they're just a little bit older than this you'll get back to the life you wanted. You'll go back to university, you'll get your MA degree, and you'll be whoever you want." Sara held her closely, and though she was angry at Sara, she still covered her body by those frail arms wrapped around her. "Plus, you're an amazing writer. You could start writing right now and I'll help you publish whatever you want." Sara pecked her sweaty forehead. "Please don't feel less than her. Everyone has their own life, Tegan."
"I can't help but feel jealous," admitted Tegan. "I can't be happy for her. I really can't." She hiccuped. "I'm a bad person."
"You're really not. It's just that jealousy hurts badly." She pecked her lover's forehead again. "Everyone gets jealous. Even Ella. She literally hates our babies because she's not the center of attention. I'm also jealous. I get jealous of Emy. I just can't help it. She's so in love with Stacy but I keep imagining her there looking at you with lustful eyes, attempting to steal you away from me." Sara shrugged and cried, finally letting out her worries and anxieties. Tegan looked up at her with furrowed brows and she shrugged. "I can't help it," she whispered.
And Tegan figured it all out.