Chapter 37
Roxanne opened the compartment door and saw it had emptied considerably since she had left for the loo; Sirius, James, and Marlene were gone, and Mary was still on prefect rounds. She was inside when she spotted one other student inside with her, sitting by the window and probably saving the compartment for the others while they were gone somewhere.
Roxanne was alone with Longbottom-er- Frank. She was alone with Frank (For her, Longbottom included a pair of people yet to exist and calling Frank that felt-er- Roxanne shook herself- too many red lines were crossed with Alice and Frank for her whenever she came across them).
Awkwardly, she approached him- they had rarely spoken before this.
"Hey." She told him bravely.
He looked like he recognized her because she's hung around Alice quite a bit, and he smiled kindly- because apparently that was enough for him to know about her. "Hey! Er- Rosanna, was it?"
"Roxanne." She shrugged.
"Oh. Right." He said, coughing awkwardly. "So- the holidays- you're going?"
"Seems like it. I'm going."
"Happy Christmas then."
"Thanks, you too." Roxanne hesitated; should she say more? Should she save him? Should she save all of them?!
Should she save all of them?!
Like a dagger, the words repeated themselves in her head over and over again.
It's been so long now, she has decided, flat out, not to change a damn thing. So why now? Why falter now? But she knew why- because he was like Ari, he was so much like Ari. How scary. Far scarier than the prospect of Voldemort, or Azkaban, or Death. He was so much like her friend, his granddaughter.
Alice and Frank- their most terrible fate could strike at her unexpectedly still. And she could never swallow the bitter potion down.
"Well, bye." She called in a voice higher than her own, and ran out of the compartment, leaving him there, looking a bit bewildered.
She was a coward, Roxanne knew. She felt like one more second in there and she'd have spilled everything, screw the plan. Because her future family was in the future- and Frank was right here- and how could she be human and still justify letting him-
Letting him walk down the dark road life destined for him.
Roxanne walked slowly down the train, thinking of Alice and Lily who both stayed at Hogwarts. Thinking about Frank. Thinking about Tonks, about Remus, about Marlene- and for the first time since she first showed up in this time she let herself remember their futures. She has avoided it so far- avoided the pain. But she's going to the Potters now, so it's unlikely she'll come across them again. She could think about it now…
It felt emptier then than- it felt like she was mourning people who were still very much alive, and who would not appreciate being mourned over right now.
Yet they do not know… they have no idea.
The only one who knew his own fate was James- and it's been eating away at him slowly- she could always see it in his eyes.
It was wrong of Roxanne- to tell him. She knows it now.
It was wrong to tell him because deep down Roxanne was a coward who wouldn't change anything. Even now, she's aware that when she leaves this time- she'll be leaving all these people behind to their fates. And James is aware of that as well.
And she wants to say- because it's supposed to happen this way. She wants to believe it's because she's doing what's right. She wants her mind to grasp how little she could've done for them anyway.
But Roxanne knew better. Everything was bullshit. She was just afraid of changing anything- and coming back to a different future- where something bad could fall on her family because of the change.
Damn, Roxanne begged, not for the first time, for some magical instructions for her to just appear and tell her what's right to do here and what's wrong to do. But she's never heard of anyone who was in quite her position before.
Stumbling around without direction, she bumped heads with two girls she had missed standing in front of her in the train's corridor.
"Ow! Hey – Ro!" Marlene said, a bit out of sorts, rubbing her head after the blow.
"Right, hey."
"We were just looking for you – wanted to wish you happy holidays!" Mary said cheerfully, trying not to show her head was hurting as well.
Right, normal, happy, vacation, mood Roxanne; not everybody is a paranoid guilt-ridden time traveler. Some people are actually preparing for a nice holiday with their friends and family.
Lucky bastards, Roxanne thought.
"Yes! Happy holidays!" Roxanne said, faking cheerfulness.
Marlene frightened her by rolling her eyes and saying flatly "What? Not a Christmas person? Who doesn't love Christmas?!" She accused.
Roxanne gaped at her, and for that moment it was like her mind was the one on holiday.
"Leave her alone Marlene! Some people don't like Christmas – honestly, do you have to be so critical of others?" Mary said kindly, taking Roxanne's gaping silence as embarrassment for disliking something most people like and being called on it.
Roxanne, though, was hollowed out as she realized she didn't have the stellar poker face she prized herself with having. It was a rather painful moment for her, and that includes everything that's happened in the past 4 days.
Blinking twice, Roxanne tried paying attention to the conversation again.
"Yeah – whatever!" Marlene yawned. "If you don't like Christmas, does that mean I don't owe you a gift?"
Mary elbowed her.
"Oh I'm joking! Only joking!"
"Well, see you." Mary shrugged, and then shyly gave Roxanne a hug.
It was a bit too personal for Roxanne's tastes, but it was a nice hug – until Marlene ruined it.
"Oh no need to get all mushy – we'll see her when school starts up again. It's not like this is goodbye."
"I know that!" Mary called, throwing Marlene an embarrassed look.
But suddenly, there was nothing to be embarrassed about; Marlene's comment connected something in Roxanne's mind she hadn't yet registered before; this was goodbye.
When 'school starts up again' she won't be here. She'll be home (Optimally) and Marlene McKinnon will be dead.
She was rather glad not to know about Mary's fate.
This time, Roxanne's poker face was bulletproof.
"Funny – I think somebody is jealous." Roxanne shot an innocent look to Mary, who smirked back.
Marlene looked confused.
"What – oh hey!"
Roxanne jumped on the black-haired girl, not letting go.
"Get off, c'mon!" Marlene said in exasperation, stuck in a bear-hug.
"Nope."
"I admit defeat – there! Happy?!"
"Nope."
"What did I ever do to you, new girl?! You already gave me a terrible nickname, punched me, and now this torture!"
"Maybe I'm doing this because I really like you." Roxanne laughed.
"Oh yeah right! You like me so much your elbow is in my ribs – ouch!"
"Sorry – it's a small corridor." Roxanne let go.
She let go.
They said goodbye and the girls left to get their owls from the compartment because the train was only twenty minutes away from King Cross station.
They were swallowed by the herd of students aboard the train and then she felt like the smallest person in the world.
She let Frank go, and she let Marlene go. She let Alice and Lily go. She didn't even get to catch them before they departed, and now she never will.
Before long, she'll have to let Sirius go. James go. And Remus go.
Just one word. One suggestion from her. Dumbledore will figure it out and save them all. He just needs the right warning.
The right warning.
And if Lily and James Potter get the right warning, Harry Potter will never be cursed to be the world's savior. And if Alice and Frank Longbottom get the right warning, Nevile will once again avoid being branded the world's savior. And then, who will save the world? Shut a nasty voice in her head. A voice of cold, calculating logic.
Roxanne waddled across the hallway, walking with no rush and no destination.
For a moment she fantasized about being in a situation where she could do just that and warn them. She delved into the forbidden – and it felt so good.
To warn Alice and Frank, to name the Death Eaters who will target them. To give Dumbledore a heads up about the prophesy. To tell him what Uncle Harry made Roxanne swear never to repeat – that Voldemort really did split his soul – and to tell him where the pieces are.
To tell him that Remus and Tonks should sit out the final battle.
But if she was already in her selfish little fantasy world, what she'd want to do most would be to warn Sirius, James, and Lily. To warn them all about the –
Rat.
Roxanne froze.
Small and youthful, he was shaking hands with none other than James Potter, inside a little compartment with an open glass door, to Roxanne's left.
Both lads seemed to be in a relaxed manner; probably wishing each other happy holidays.
A violent wave of hatred and disgust drowned Roxanne from the inside out, making her whole body shiver. That filth was touching him. James was practically family, and that filth was touching him. She stopped herself, just barely, from jumping in and ripping their hands apart as harshly as possible.
She felt like James is unbeknownst touching something contaminated.
Roxanne, ready to empty her stomach right there and then, forced herself to keep walking on, controlling her body from jumping in there and finding out if you could throw people out of the Hogwart's express train windows.
As she did, she did so while still uncertain if that was the best course of action.
With each step away she felt sicker that she could actually do this that it wasn't impossible at all to walk away.
She was getting better at it, she realized with self contempt. She had proper practice; first Frank, then Marlene. And now James.
The sight was almost out of her reach now. Congratulations Roxanne, said a cynical voice in her head, you let go. You're a proper monster.
Roxanne took one last glance at the scene before her, and then it vanished out of sight as new compartments and doors circled her.
The image was engraved in her mind; James Potter shaking hands with Peter Pettigrew.
A proper monster, the voice repeated. You've made your choice, and it was the future, not the past, that you chose.
"Wow, hungry much?" Alice commented, bored.
"I spent the night and the following morning in the library researching. Hungry very much!" Lily scolded, barely slowing down as she dug in.
"The hall is funny, with so little students in the castle." Alice commented, looking for something new or edgy to focus on now that Lily gave a logical response that settled the matter of her hunger.
"Yes yes – I'm sorry for you that your boyfriend has a scary mom and he couldn't get off from going home for the holidays – now please try to cheer up a little! I can't handle you in this mood." Lily Evans said, pausing during her precious meal.
Alice scuffed, knowing it really annoyed her or she wouldn't have said it.
"Fine, I'll stop finding things to bitch about." She promised. "But we better get somewhere interesting with this whole Ro project!"
"You got it." Lily promised.
Alice watched her friend eat for a few seconds more when she grew bored again and looked for something to do around her. "So little students left. I think I can count them."
Lily rolled her eyes while picking up three scoops of mashed potatoes onto her plate.
"You do what ya gotta do!" she said, and Alice took it as her giving up.
"Let's see… I see seven Ravenclaws. Nine Huffelpuffs – ha, that's actually a decent amount. Six Gryffindor, including us – and that Weasley we were just talking about!"
Lily jumped in her place. "Really? Can you point him out to me?"
"Right there – red-headed and freckled faced."
The two girls looked at the first year clear-faced boy down the rows with total concentration and interest. Then they turned away quickly before he turned around and noticed the two scary seven years who were glaring at him.
Lily resumed eating, while Alice resumed talking.
"So we've done the Ravens the Puffs and the Griffins – let's see - interesting."
Alice elbowed her best friend. "Only one student stayed from the whole of the Slythrin house."
Lily blinked at her for the sudden who-do-you-think-it-is quizzical tone.
"I'm guessing Severus." Lily looked to see; true to her guess, long-nosed and brooding her ex-best friend was sitting all alone in the long Slythrin house table.
"You guessed it." Alice said, frowning at the boy. "Only him though – a bit shifty."
"Not really – Severus always stays during the holidays." Lily said, shrugging. "He'd never go home."
"Sure, I know that! I'm saying what's weird is that there isn't a single other student who stayed from the whole house other than him."
Lily finally understood what Alice was getting at. She frowned too, looking at Snape eat his lunch silently, all alone.
"That is weird."
"Wow – I'm going back to our compartment!" Sirius suddenly stated, doing a 180 turn where he stood.
"What why?!" James demanded. "We're only half way through!" They've been going around the train, saying goodbyes, checking out who is going home for the holidays, and who's available to meet up with during them.
"Ex-girlfriend slash prefect, two O'clock." His best mate declared cheerfully.
"Right, see you back there then!" James was quick to let him go, not wanting to get in the middle of some bothersome quarrel.
"'Laters!" Sirius called, vanishing from sight.
As James was passing by more and more people who wished him happy holidays he asked himself what he was doing; Lily and Remus were at Hogwarts. He was supposed to be there with both of them.
He sighed; he knew better than to say anything because then Roxanne would feel guiltier then she already clearly does. But that only deepened his disappointment; Taking Roxanne somewhere safe is important, and complaining about it is stupid (and doesn't bring James up in the best of lights). Besides, he likes Roxanne. But not being able to say the situation is frustrating is making James more frustrated.
There was a boy in one of the compartments, sitting alone but surrounded by other students' pets.
James snorted, guessing he got stuck guarding the compartment as his friends were strolling and talking to other people. They themselves left Frank for it – a good chap all in all. A team player. He didn't even mind. Though, usually they would pull this on –
The memory of Peter whining as they would leave him to watch their stuff repeatedly hit James so vividly he stopped in his tracks and leaped into the compartment to examine the boy who had his head turned to the window in boredom, slightly chubby and his hair a dirty blond.
It was really him. James felt a gut retching feeling.
Winded, James wondered what to do, or even what they were to each other at this point.
Perhaps he's made a sound because Peter turned to look and saw him. Or maybe it was just the nervous breathing of an unknown person that did the trick.
"Prongs!" the boy smiled, relived.
And suddenly James felt himself fall into a familiar feeling of comfort – this was one of his best friends. He called him by his nickname.
"Warmtail." James said, managing a smile as he called him by his nickname as well.
This time, so unlike that frightening visit to the hospital wing, Peter looked very clear minded.
He looked like Peter.
Roxanne hit him the moment she realized who he was.
Looking at him ever since was rather uncomfortable.
He knew the feeling well; it's the small seed of doubt that was hung in the air after he found out someone helped those Death Eaters into Hogwarts.
But he was wrong- wrong to think that one of his friends could've done something like that. He's known them for seven long years. He's known Pete for seven long years. And at the end, it was a couple of Slytherins who worked with the Death Eaters – not Pete. Not James' Pete.
He should've known he'd never do something like that.
But the doubt was there. All along. If it wasn't, he'd have looked more into what was being done to him to make him stay in the hospital wing for so long.
Truth be told, James suspected absolutely everyone. He just wasn't the same after overhearing that talk between Dumbledore and McGonagall.
James felt so small, so dirty, for suspecting all of them even in the slightest- he wasn't the friend he thought he was.
"J-James? Are you okay?"
"Yes?"
Never again. Not unless there's sound proof. Because distrusting your friends is the lowest of the low.
"J-James?!"
Good friends, solid friends, true friends that are always there for you.
If you don't have faith and trust, you're left with nothing.
"Peter, you know I'll always believe in you right?"
Peter Pettigrew blushed a little, looking taken aback.
"Wh-why all of a sudden?"
James looked him straight in the eye, and said as honestly as he could "Because you're my friend. I'll believe in you no matter what."
He offered him his hand, steady.
Peter looked surprised, but also pleased. He shook James' hand and smiled hesitatingly.
"Thanks P-Prongs..."
And that day James vowed not to go back on his word, no matter how dark the future got.
And dark it got.
-END of ch.37-