As my eyes become darkened and my vision, once again, dissipates from the tough, yet firm grip of GoGo's hands, I smelled a hint of chestnuts roaming in the stale air. It's aromatic fragrance dancing, creating a presence in my nostrils. As my body becomes cold and my joints become limp, I saw a vision. It wasn't scary. I mean, I could still see GoGo silencing me. Making me lose conscious while I saw my beloved Cass lying on the floor. For a moment, death didn't sound too bad. However, why was I thinking about chestnuts? Of all things that I could think of in this perilous chain of events, all I could think of was the profound scent and taste of chestnuts.
Then it hit me. In the midst of the tragic moment, frozen in time was the vision I have not seen in such a time. The vision was in a cabin; similar to where I am currently being subdued under GoGo's control. The scent of the chestnuts were coming from a kettle in the chimney. The sound of the crackling fire coincide with the crackling of the incoming delicacy that was to come. I came feel its warmth, the chimney that is. I could see the sparkle and the dance it made with the kettle hanging above the fire. The smoke producing a lovely smell. It smelled good. It was wonderful.
Suddenly, I heard a pop of cork being released into the room. I turned around and it was my father. His brown hands nestled around the champagne bottle as it sprayed into the room. His childlike smile embellishes me as I see he was having such a great time. Following it was the sound of my mother. Oh, my mother. She sat on the floor in the position of a elegant, classy woman. She was doing the finishing touches of our holiday treat. It was, wasn't it. I remember that every year, my mother would gathering her old recipe book she got from her grandmother and used recipes for any kind of festivity. My mother was using an old recipe that her grandmother used when she visited New Orleans during her exploration journey. I don't remember what was in it. But, it was green, purple, and shining in gold. It was a king cake, if I remember. They were delicious and I enjoyed them. My mother told me that if I find the tiny baby, it will bring good luck. I always made sure to get the tiny baby. I wanted to have that good luck.
Yes, the chestnuts. My mother would use the roasted chestnuts from the kettle to decorate the top of the king cake. It was the centerpiece of our recipe. Then, I remember my brother, Tadashi would be the one who cut the cake and received the first slice. It was a family tradition. The oldest sibling will always get the first slice of a dessert. An awkward tradition, but it was interesting. I smiled as I saw my father filled the glasses with champagne until it crested upon the rim. I laughed as my mother's smile gleamed the room everything she exposed her white teeth. I felt warmth as I see my brother do whatever he could to help our parents in what we need. Then, I remembered where I was. It was Christmas time and we were in our family cabin. Twice a year, my father would take us in the woods, just like this, and we get together and celebrate. It was one of the few times of the year in which we spend time as a family.
Once the dinner is finished, we digged in on dessert-the king cake. I patiently waited as I await my slice. Tadashi was taking his time as I watched the knife create a trench into the cake, exposing the scent and how delicious it was with the chestnuts. When it was turn to take a bite, I cried in tears of joy as I took in each bite, savoring the moment. And as always, I always found the baby.
When dessert was finished and we were too full to eat any more, we would all sit on the couch and watch the fire entertain us until it had done its job. It was some good times, my family and me. I haven't had an enjoyable moment like that in quite awhile. This was actually the first time in which I remembered a fond memory of my family. I was quite young when my parents passed, but why am I thinking about this now?
However, as I remember now, something about that time at the cabin was different. Everything was beautiful and lustrous, but what happened afterward came back to life my senses. It occurred when everyone was asleep, at least we were all were supposed to sleep. I woke in the fit of being thirsty. I looked around in my room and saw that Tadashi was asleep. His head nodding off of the bed, dangling to the ground. I sort of giggle of the sight. I called for my mother and my father, but no answer. I called again, making sure they could hear me, but nothing. With all of my might, I tumbled out of bed and walking down the big hallway to their bedroom. I knocked on the door, but did not hear a sound. With my small hands, I opened the door and found my mother asleep. She was lying on the bed alone. My father was not there. What evidence I didn't pay attention until now was that beside her bed was a empty bottle of wine and some pills. I realized now that she could not hear me because she was heavily sedated.
I left the room to go look for my father. I went through the hallway and entered the living room. It was dark. It was ominous and very macabre. I called my father's name. His name rang into the room as the echo bounced back to me. I looked into the kitchen, I looked into the green room. I looked everywhere, but no sign of my father. But, i heard something scurried from outside. Being a precocious boy and very impressionable, I ventured to the noise. As I edged closer and closer into the fray, I heard some grunting noise coming from outside. As I tiptoed outside, I was embraced by the cold crisp air. It took my breath away as it contrasted from the inside. In my pajamas, barefooted, I made way into the snow. As I walked, I saw footprints. Obviously, it was bigger than my own, I followed it from the back door and down the steps and into the woods.
That should have been the point I should have stopped, but I have kept going because I wanted to know what was the noise? Could it have been my father? Could it have been a stranger? A bear? I just wanted to know. As I crept up to the log, I saw my father on the telephone. He was speaking in Japanese. Knowing for my age, I knew enough Japanese to understand that he was talking to somebody on the phone. However, the conversation sounded different. It was not businesslike. It was not the way he talked to friends, or to me and Tadashi. It was not even the way he talked to my mother. His tone was deep. It was raspy and very erotic. It was as if he purposefully put bass in his voice to convince his sexiness to whomever he was on the phone with. He was flirting. He had his hand cupped around his penis. Whomever it was, he must have been turned on. As I child, I didn't understand the concepts of sex or affairs. I didn't understand. I didn't understand.
Oh, my fucking God. My dad, my father. The one who tucked me in and read me stories. The one who gave me a present every time he returned from his business trips. The same man who kissed me and Tadashi and our loving mother was on the phone romanticizing with a woman who wasn't his wife. Suddenly, it became a bad dream. Glass shattered around me. It was starting to make sense. Whenever he had "business," he spoke in private. He was always gone for many weeks at a time. What could he been doing for such a while that can cause him to do stuff like that?
I couldn't believe that it had to be true. She couldn't be right. She had to be wrong. She had to be. Or so I thought. Akiko Hamada, the man who I entrusted as my father; the man who was supposedly faithfully devoted to my mother was having an affair with multiple women. '
I don't feel a thing. I don't, because GoGo sucked any feeling I had left. It was her MO. She was a succubus. And now I am caught her in grasp.
She told me that I was broken and I was too gullible and naive to understand. No, GoGo, you have to understand. In life, we don't want to see the two side of a coin. Reason said is because I know the it hurts to know that my father betrayed my mother. He betrayed his trust to her. He deceived her and most of all, us.
I should hate my father. The man who I realized was a manwhore could have or may have slept with the only woman I have ever loved in my life. Should I hate Aunt Cass, I meant Cass, too. How much more hate can I consume before wanting to kill myself yet again?
Here is my thought. Life's a bitch and then you die. It is a chasm of hopelessness and despair. However, it can be if you choose to live who you want to live. GoGo is that way because she always blame life for her problems. However, never once has she taken responsibility for any of her errors. It can never be her fault. She was born with a plastic spork in her mouth.
As much I want to pity her, I can't. Life is what you make it. I refuse to play victim any longer. My entire ordeal, I felt like a slut because that what she wanted me to be, a slut. She wanted power and control and I let her have it. Here I am losing consciousness to a woman who hates everything, including herself. As I close my eyes, I see a ribbon in the sky. I see hope. My final moments of life will be in the hands of GoGo Tomago. It will be in the hands of my beloved Aunt Cass.
I can't hate her. I am still in love with her. If it is a faulty attempt to destroy us, then you are wrong GoGo. I am a Hamada and remember, I don't give up too easily with your abuse. We can withstand anything and that means you.
As I fake being unconscious, I am planning my next move. You want a marriage, GoGo. I will make sure that it will be the greatest honeymoon you will ever have. I got to go, she just realized that I am awake. I got a plan and it is kind of fucked up. Stay tuned to how my plan is. I just hope that something or someone can stop this madness. If not, then it is up to me.