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A Little talk
"Callie. Callie, I need you to look at me." Lena says in a concerned voice "Callie, you need to slow down your breathing. In and out, in and out."
Callie tries to look up at Lena but the fuzzy spots in her eyes are getting too big. She can't understand what Lena is trying to tell her. All of sudden, she knows that she is going to be sick and needs to get out of the car.
Lena sees that Callie is going to be sick, she barely gets the door open before Callie vomits up her breakfast. Stef was holding her up, half way out of the car, and rubbing her back. Lena does her best to keep Callie's hair out of the way, while trying to get her to calm down.
Once Callie is finished and rises up and goes into Stef's embrace, snuggling as close to her has she could attempting to hide her face. Taking deep hitched heavy breaths, while huge tears leave tracks on her skin. She tries to make her head not spin and to fight the dark spots on the verge of taking over her line of sight.
"Okay. Sweets you're okay." Stef says as she slightly rocks them back and forth "In through your nose, out through your mouth…Yeah that's it, just relax."
Both Moms look at each other with worried eyes, they don't want to cause her any more anxiety by making her go to Dr. Kodema but she needs to be seen by her. If for nothing else to have an extra eye on her stability. The Moms wanted to reassure them that they are doing right by Callie.
"Okay, Sweets. Why don't we go get you cleaned up?" Stef says, moving Callie out of the car, looking at Lena to let her know that they might have to call Dr. Kodema to reschedule the appointment. Stef could see how spooked and confused she was in the tree, and now after this episode, she thought less stress would be best.
Callie is stumbling like she has rubber legs and is not of much help to Stef and Lena who are on each side of her walking her into the house. Stef knows the longer they wait in the foyer, the more likely the other kids are going to come down and Callie would probably be embarrassed. However, lately that is a toss-up.
Stef thinks Callie might start to a fight when she picks her up but is pleasantly surprised when the girl doesn't. Callie has withdrawn into herself, putting her thumb in her mouth with a far off look in her eyes as she curled into Stef. Not making a sound until they make it to the master bath and Stef sits Callie down on the closed toilet lid, losing some of the close contact with her.
"No" Callie mumbles, immediately wrapping her arms around Stef's waist, she is surprised by the tightness that Callie is holding on to her with.
"It's okay, Callie Girl. I am right here" Stef says softly "Sweets, don't be scared, you are safe. No one is going to make you leave." Stef whispers as she takes the hair out of Callie's eyes and moves it to behind her ear. It worries her that Callie is so withdrawn. She was having a good morning until she was supposed to be getting ready for the therapy appointment, Stef thinks as she reaches over to wet a wash cloth.
Lifting Callie's chin, looking into her eyes, not liking how unfocused they are. "Callie, I am going to wash your face" She explained wiping her tear stained skin seems to help Callie focus on Stef, she loosens her embrace a little but refuses to let go.
"There we go… Better?" Stef calmly asks and is surprised when Callie gives her a slight nod.
"S-S-Sor...Sorry" Callie stutters through uneven breaths.
"Nothing to be sorry about sweets" Stef replies with a lingering kiss to her forehead.
Lena walks into the bedroom with a glass of ginger ale and some crackers, placing them on the table "How are we doing?" Lena asks concerned coming into the doorway, trying not to crowd Callie in bathroom. Callie slowly turns her head toward Lena, who is pleasantly surprised when Callie looks up at her and her eyes are slightly more focused. When Lena opens her arms in invitation to go with her, Callie slowly nods her head.
With Stef's help they settle Callie into Lena's lap in the chair. Stef takes a seat in on the window bench after grabbing the soda glass and handing it to Callie with an encouraging smile. After a few tentative sips with Lena's help, she drinks the rest by herself.
Burrrrrrrrpppp breaks the silence; Callie quickly covers her mouth trying to put the burp back in her mouth, but breaks out into a smirk when she looks up at Stef.
"Good stuff?" Stef says laughing, earning her a look from Lena which only makes her laugh harder.
With a slight nod Callie whispers "Excuse me" which gets her a squeeze of thanks from Lena.
After a few moments while smiles linger, Lena decides that Callie has settled down enough to talk.
"Do you think you can now finish our talk?" Lena feels Callie tense up and quickly shakes her head no to the question.
Stef hates to push her but knows they need answers. "It's okay if you don't feel like talking, you just need to nod or shake your head. Okay?"
Lena hugs Callie in tighter, to reassure her that it was safe. "Baby, just try" Callie hesitantly nods her head as she snuggles down into Lena, her thumb finding its way back into her mouth.
"Is the Monster spinning bad thoughts about going to Dr.K's?" Stef asks softly. Callie nods her head, not lifting her eyes from her lap.
"Good job, baby. Is the Monster making you scared of Dr. K?" Lena asks. Callie nods her head, "They're going to make me leave to Crazyville." She answers quietly around her thumb.
"Look at me baby" Stef says making sure she has Callie's shy eyes before she continues "Together, as one team remember?" Callie slightly nods her head.
"Do you remember Dr. K telling you that you are not crazy the other day?" Lena asks Callie has to think about it but eventually she remembers and slowly nods her head. "Do you remember when she said part of fighting the jumbled thoughts is you talking with her?" Callie nods her head "This is why we need to take you to your appointment so that she can help you."
"Do you think you can go try?" Stef asks holding out her hand for Callie to take.
"Together?" Callie quietly asks
"Yes. Promise" Lena says and Stef nods her head in agreement and is pleased that Callie takes her outstretched hand and interlocks their fingers as Callie gets up from Lena's lap.
Callie doesn't let go of Stef's hand as the get out of the car, drive, and go into Dr. Kodema's building. When they walk into the waiting room Lena goes to sign Callie in and update some more required papers. As Callie and Stef settle into the chairs to wait, Stef's cell phone rings, it is the PI that she had tried to contact earlier.
"Sweets I need to get this, will you be okay? Momma is right there with Alice." Stef asks as she moves to hallway to take the call but not before making eye contact with Lena.
Callie sits there a few minutes before getting up and motioning to Lena that she is going to the bathroom down the hall. Lena looks with a questioning look to make sure that Callie is okay with going by herself, when Callie nods her head that she is okay with it. Lena gives her a strong look reminding her not to run as she holds up her hand to let Callie know she was giving her five minutes.
Callie is walking down the hall thinking about finding something to hide, in case she needs to take care of the pressure. She must have not been looking where she was going because she bumps into someone and falls to the ground.
When she looks up Bill is standing there with a wide smile on his face and a menace in his voice. "Just who I needed to see" Bill makes no move to help Callie up and when she does, Bill moves closer to her, backing her up against the wall. Bill does this on purpose as he knows given half a chance Callie is going to run.
"I think we need to have a talk. I've got to hand it to you kid, I figured you would have screwed up this placement with lying and scheming, like you always have before, in a matter of weeks. No matter how good the placements are you find a way to screw it up." Bill says in a low heavy tone so it doesn't carry down the hall and around the corner to where he saw Stef talking on her cell. "Stef and Lena are talking about adoption. Do you know who can make it not happen? Me. This is my only warning to you. If I hear any nonsense that you are lying again about stuff that is best forgotten, I will be forced into showing Lena and Stef the real you in those videos. After seeing them, they will not adopt you and I am sure that they would kick you out. Another stint in Juvie for you and you will never be let to see Jude ever again. Do we have an understanding?"
Callie nods her head trying to show no fear even though she can feel her legs shaking.
"Not good enough." Bill says.
"I will not say anything" Callie mumbles.
"What is going on here?" Lena says in a loud voice. Making Callie jump a little as she looked over with a relieved look on her face, glad Lena had come out to look for her. She takes the opportunity to quickly break away from Bill heading toward Lena praying her rubber legs don't make her fall before she gets there.
Bill recovers quickly. "Just reminding Callie of her obligations, she was supposed to be in group this morning." He breaks out into a smile that Lena notices don't reach his eyes, before she would have believed he was being sincere. "We don't want to see her mess this up."
"Dr. Kodema approved a later appointment so that we could attend with her." Stef says in a steal voice as she walks putting herself in front of Lena and Callie, blocking Bill access to them. Callie wants to run as fast as she can but remembers that Stef said no more running. Callie wants to dive into Lena's arms and hide but will not show Bill how scared he has made her. Before she can decide what to do Lena moves as close to her as she can, intertwining their fingers together grasping Callie shaking hand.
After moment of silence, in the steal voice Stef asks "Do you need anything else?"
"No, I was just checking group attendance." Bill answers holding Stef's gaze "Be sure Dr. Kodema reports this later appointment to the treatment team. We wouldn't want there to be any misunderstandings."
Lena can feel Stef trying not to lose her temper, she is sure that Stef also is reading the situation as a thinly veiled threat to Callie. Reaching out she places a hand to the small of Stef back reminding her to play it cool.
Alice, Dr Kodema's assistant, breaks the standoff when she sticks her head out the door. "I need Callie to sign some paperwork before her session."
XXXXXXXX
"This is stupid." Callie pouts while crossing her arms as she sits down across from the Moms even though there was an open seat between them as she was coming back from signing the papers "I just saw her like two days ago." Callie says in a quiet voice as her leg starts to bounce and she is busy studying the pattern on the floor, trying to dodging the subject of Bill's visit. The Moms glance at each other and decide that Callie wasn't ready to deal with it yet and to come back to it later.
Both of moms take a deep breath, reminding their selves that this was an improvement Callie is talking and is pushing back, like any fifteen year old would. "Really, after the great escape to the tree?" Stef asks as she switches seats to go sit next to Callie
"Because Dr. Kodema wants to check in with you and see how you are doing with all the jumbled thoughts that you have been having, it is only for an hour. Mom and I will be right there with you the whole time." Lena says, reminding herself to have patience as she too switches chairs, going on the other side of Callie.
Bringing Callie into a side hug, Stef says with a twinkle in her eye and a smirk on her face. "Then I think you and I need to have some ice cream afterward."
"You said that last time" Callie reminds her with a lining of attitude.
"Yes and you got ice cream, I believe you even got it by special delivery" Stef says smiling reminding her that Jude had made her ice cream especially for her the other night after she had had her melt down.
Callie smirks at the niceness of Jude making her ice cream but then her face clouds over when she thinks about her having a meltdown in front over everyone over a dumb ice cream.
Stef squeezes her tighter "Hey, it will be okay" as she places a kiss to Callie's temple. Callie is about to say something about kissing her but is interrupted by Dr. Kodema coming out of her office and calling them in.
Stef doesn't let go of Callie as she stands up and guides them to follow Lena into the doctor's office.
"Hello Ladies, please get settled." Dr. K says with a smile on her face.
Callie starts to go back to the play table in the corner but Stef stops her, bringing Callie down with her to sit between her and Lena on the couch in the same positions as they were in the waiting room. Callie gives Stef a look that let her know she is not happy about not being allowed to separate herself from them. Stef can see that Callie is trying to build her walls and she raises her eyebrow in warning to Callie, that this is how it is. Stef wants to use all the time they have today making progress on the situation, not having to fight with Callie and her walls, they need her to participate to get better.
The battle didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Kodema who makes note of it but decides to let Stef handle it while she observes Callie's demeanor. She and Lena had talked earlier about the incident from last night and the pursuant sleepy Callie confessions. They had agreed that they wouldn't mention what Callie had told the moms until either Callie mentioned it or she was more stable in her treatment.
"Today, I think we need to do something different. Because we need to talk about some tough stuff, I think it would be best if the moms stay while we talk Callie."
Callie is not happy that Dr K wants to talk about "tough stuff" she doesn't want to tell her anything, that she can tell Bill. But on the other hand she was happy that she didn't have to ask for her mom's to stay.
"Hun, I'm sure that Dr. K will let you use your colors if you need to" Lena says trying to make Callie more comfortable. Dr. Kodema had suggested that they stay for the whole session. To reassure Callie they weren't leaving her and if things got too much for her, helping her see that she could trust them when she was vulnerable that she didn't have to run from them.
"We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to today." Dr. Kodema says agreeing
"But you have to try and you need to use your words" Stef says because she knows Callie will hide if they let her. Callie reluctantly nods her head; she just wanted this to be over so she could get out of here before she says something that they can use against her.
"Lena from our conversations it seems like there has been some great progress but there has been some bumps too." Dr. Kodema says, looking at all three of them. Dr Kodema knows that Callie needs time to settle down before she would be ready to participate.
"Yes, Callie hasn't hurt herself" Lena replies "But we have had to deal with some angry issue, causing us to add a rule for her trying to breathe when she finds herself getting angry, since the last appointment. She was having a good morning until we were getting ready to come to this appointment and ran out of the house. And she had that panic attack in the car."
"Why didn't you want to come today Callie?" Dr. Kodema asks not really expecting Callie to answer. Callie gives her a one shoulder shrug.
"How did you handle her running?" Dr. Kodema asks the moms.
"Callie knows that running is not an option, I reminded her that she isn't alone anymore she has me and her Momma" Stef says squeezing Callie in a side hug.
"Callie can you tell me why you ran?" Dr. Kodema asks. When Callie doesn't answer, Stef taps her shoulder, reminding her that she is supposed to try to talk to Dr. Kodema. When it's obvious that Callie isn't ready to talk yet.
Lena says "Baby, she can't help, if she doesn't know what's going on." trying to reassure Callie enough to talk. Neither mom wants to bring out how confused and frustrated she had gotten before she ran.
"I didn't want to" Callie mumbles.
Dr. K moves on by asking "How are doing with the jumbled thoughts?"
"Okay" Callie mumbles. Dr Kodema gives her a look to let her know she needed more of an answer than that from her. "What? They are still jumbled" she answers defensively with furrowed brow. Lena squeezes Callie's hand trying to remind her to be respectful. Stef raises an eyebrow, and would have said something but Dr. Kodema gives her a signal to wait.
"Are they still as jumbled as they were?" Dr. Kodema asks.
Callie slightly shakes her head, not wanting to admit the Monster's thoughts had scared and confused her this morning "Just tired."
"Are you taking your medication?" was her next questions
Nodding her head and said in a tone of voice that let the doctor know she didn't like it "Yeah."
"Well I think we need to keep the meds for now." Dr Kodema replies "You said you are tired, how have you been sleeping?"
"Fine."
"How is keeping the promises going?" Dr Kodema asks.
Typical Callie shrugs her shoulder, until Stef reminds her to use her words "I'm trying" she mumbles.
When Dr. Kodema looks at the moms for them to speak up, Stef speaks up.
"She gets angry and frustrated easily, we can usually talk it out after she has calmed down and then things are better for a little while."
"I'm glad you are able to talk it out. Callie, would you agree that you are struggling with your thoughts?" Dr. Kodema asks. Callie shrugs her shoulders.
Stef decides that Callie needs to be pushed a little and says "Callie you need to use your words please."
As she squeezes Max the ball hidden within her hoodie Callie whispers "Sometimes."
"I see you are using your new friend, is he helping? Did you name him?" Dr. Kodema asks.
Nodding her head Callie smirks shyly and in a low tone says "Max."
"Good. Good, I think you need to keep using him every time your thoughts start getting jumbled." Dr. Kodema says glancing at Lena momentarily "Especially those times when you are getting frustrated with your thoughts. Have you had any more thoughts about hurting yourself?"
Callie shrugs and drops her eyes to the floor but not before they give her answer away though, which they all take note of.
"Callie, I don't expect those thoughts to stop overnight, what is important is that we work through them and you don't act on them. Our first priority is keeping you safe; I need you to tell the Moms when you feel like hurting yourself." Callie slowly nods her head "Can we add that as one of the promises?"
Callie shakes her head no and starts to talk but hesitates; she doesn't know how to explain. Stef pulls her in tighter to her, trying to reassure her when she sees her struggling.
Callie finally mumbles "Sometimes it just happens."
"You don't always know when you want to hurt yourself?" Dr. Kodema asks to clarify why Callie doesn't want to make it a promise. Callie nods her head "So would it be safe to say that sometimes you can tell?" Callie nods her head "How about if the promise is that you tell the moms when you can feel it coming." Callie nods her head "And you and I will work on you being able to notice when those other times are about to happen." Callie gives only a slight nod to the second part, which didn't go unnoticed by the adults.
"Good" Dr Kodema says smiling, not surprised that Callie is resistant to more therapy with her. "With another promise for you do we need to come up with another promise for the moms?" Callie raises her head in surprise before she can catch herself.
"I think we already have come up with one from the great escape this morning" Lena says as she squeezes Callie's hand to get Callie to look at her. She waits for Callie to read her body language and eyes when she says "We promised that we are fighting "together" with and for Callie."
With tears in Callie's eyes she nods her head. Lena leans in and places a kiss to her forehead, as Stef gives her a squeeze and says "Ditto, Dibs" with a smile on her face. This causes Callie to release a giggle and the others to smile.
A/N Thanks to Angsty Alice for help on the flow and to Lacorra for the edits.