a/n: There's really not much to this chapter. It's mostly just a random selection of scenes I didn't want to delete. Some chapters will be this way.

I am happy to say though that I'm near completion of the outline of this story, which means hopefully updates will be much quicker! There are a few chapters and scenes I need to work on, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! My goal is to have this story completed sometime this summer.

Well, enough of me rambling. Since this is a short chapter, I'll aim to get the next one posted soon. Enjoy. :)

CHAPTER 37 - SEPARATION ANXIETY

August 2002

Dear Journal,

Back to school tomorrow. I dread it. And because of the classes I'm taking, I can no longer work around my mother's and sister's schedules. That means I have no choice but to put Liam in daycare. Liam's never been in a daycare before. He's always had family and close friends to babysit him. I don't know how he will handle it. Or me for that matter. I don't like to be away from him for even a moment. And now I have to go for hours and not see my baby boy? How can I possibly do this?

Liam consumes every waking thought I have. When I'm away from him, I'm constantly worrying about him. Is he okay? Even though I know he's in good hands, I still worry about my baby. And now I have to let strangers take care of him.

Oh, I met the staff at the daycare, and they all seem like really nice ladies, but they don't know Liam like I do.

If only Angel were here, then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad.

Sometimes, I like to imagine how our life would be if Angel were around. Maybe he'd start up Angel Investigations again, only in Sunnydale this time. Or maybe he'd go with my idea of opening a martial arts studio. But no matter what he'd do, he'd take Liam with him. I could see them now in my mind: Angel showing his young son karate moves. Or Liam sprawled out on the floor with crayons, making marks in all of Angel's dusty old books while Angel tries to confer with a client.

But it's not going to happen. At least not right now. Maybe someday. I hope…

Outside, a thunderstorm rages.

Liam, frightened by the noise, wakes up, clamoring for my attention. "Mama!"

I wrap my arm around him, and Liam cuddles closer to me, grabbing a fistful of my shirt and clutching it tight, holding on for dear life, while the thumb on his other hand goes straight into his mouth.

I kiss him on the forehead, whispering words of comfort into his ear. "Don't worry, Liam. You're safe."

Liam is a very clingy toddler. I suppose that's partly my fault. I don't much like him out of my sight either. He's this little miracle that Angel and I both created, and I want to keep him safe. Always.

Sometimes he'll point to Angel's picture, and he'll look up at me with that inquisitive look in his eye. "Daddy?" he'll ask me.

"Yes, that's your daddy."

"Where daddy?"

It's hard when Liam asks me questions like that. There's nothing I can say that will help him understand, but he senses his absence, and maybe, perhaps, is fearful that I will go too.

Which is why I dread today. I'm not so sure how well Liam will handle daycare. I'm not so sure how I will handle it myself for that matter.

Liam holds my hand tightly, gazing at the room with a wary look on his face. Inside the colorful room, other children his age are playing, but Liam doesn't want to join in.

I help Liam find his cubby and hang his little book bag and jacket onto the hooks.

"Put your blanket in there too, baby," I tell him, and Liam places one of his old baby blankets on the bottom shelf.

I stay with him for a while, and we sit on a red beanbag chair and read a few books together until I realize the time. I have just enough time to drive to campus, find a parking space, and make it to my first class without being late.

"Liam, Mommy has to go to class now."

The worrisome expression on his face returns. He senses I'm leaving. Liam grabs another book from the shelf and hands it to me. "Read."

I put the book back on the shelf, knowing I've got to stay firm. I can't give in. It'll only make this more difficult.

"No, sweetie, it's time for Mommy to go."

When I stand up, Liam gets up to follow me.

This is really, really hard.

I pick up Liam to give him a goodbye kiss. "I'll be back to pick you up this afternoon. I promise."

The moment I put Liam down, one of the teachers kneels down to distract Liam with a toy. Liam, however, stares at me with confusion. He doesn't understand why I'm walking to the door. And then, he begins to wail. The other adults in the room don't seem fazed by it. I guess they've seen this scene before.

Suddenly, I remember something I forgot, and I reach for my bag. "Liam, Mommy can't stay. But guess who can stay with you?" I pull Mr. Gordo out of my bag, and Liam's crying stops, momentarily comforted by something familiar. I'm so glad I remembered that little pig. I knew Mr. Gordo would come in handy, and perhaps save the day.

He takes the pig, holding him close to his chest.

"Tell you what, Liam. When I come to pick you up this afternoon, we'll go out for ice cream. Okay?"

I kiss Liam on his cheek, wet from the tears still rolling down, and look him in the eye. "It's goodbye only for now, Liam. Okay? I'll see you this afternoon."

Liam starts to wail again and grabs hold of my legs. The teacher gently picks him up and gives me a nod, telling me it's okay to go. He'll be just fine.

"Say goodbye, Liam," the teacher says, but Liam continues to cry, holding on to Mr. Gordo as if his life depended on it.

I wave goodbye to Liam, trying to ignore his pleas as he cries, and step out into the hallway.

"Mama! Mama!" Liam cries over and over, and I stand outside the door, crying myself.

"First day?"

I quickly gain my composure, looking to the elderly woman, probably a grandmother, giving me an empathic look.

"How can you tell?"

"Just a hunch. Don't worry, sugar. He'll be just fine," the woman assures me. "By the time you get to your car, he'll already have forgotten how upset he was. It gets better."

I really hope she's right.

When I go to pick up Liam later that afternoon, I'm stunned at what I see. My Liam, the clingiest toddler in the world, is perfectly content building a structure out of cardboard blocks. I watch him unnoticed for a moment, seeing him place a red rectangular block on top of another with intent precision.

"Hi, Liam."

Liam looks up, his face brightening when he sees me. "Mama!" He gets up from his spot on the floor and runs toward me, but instead of hugging me, he grabs my hand, pulling me to the carpet area. Liam leads me to his block structure.

"Liam, that's amazing! You did that?"

Liam hands me a block, wanting me to play too.

"It's time to go home, Liam."

"No!" Liam sits down on the floor again, piling another cardboard block on top of his structure.

Unbelievable. He didn't want to stay here this morning, and now, he doesn't want to leave.

"Liam, do you want ice cream?"

This gets his attention. "Yeah!"

"Okay, well let's put the blocks up and we can go. You can play with them again tomorrow."

I start to put the blocks back on the shelf, and Liam follows my lead.

When the block center is finally put back together, Liam says his goodbyes and I help him gather his things from his cubby.

"Gordo!" Liam says, grabbing the stuffed pig from out of his cubby.

"That's right, don't want to leave him here."

Once his things are gathered and Mr. Gordo is ready to go, Liam takes my hand, letting me lead the way.