AN: HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE! He gets a cameo for his birthday. yay. Please review.

Somewhere weakness is our strength,
And I'll die searching for it.
I can't let myself regret such selfishness.
My pain and all the trouble caused,
No matter how long
I believe that there's hope
Buried beneath it all and
Hiding beneath it all, and
Growing beneath it all, and...
This is how we'll dance when,
When they try to take us down

Let the Flames Begin- Paramore

Mila and Bucky walked lethargically back to the their apartment with Bucky's navy blue hat covering Mila's waves. She won his hat in a round of pool they played at the bar. Bucky didn't mind it though, she looked adorable in the hat. The whole way back they were teasing the other about the game. Mila obviously cheated according to Bucky, Bucky was obviously a sore loser according to Mila. However that warmth and lightheartedness seemed to dim as they opened the door the apartment. Mila sighed and offered Bucky the first shower to which he agreed. Mila meanwhile straightened up the apartment even though it didn't need it. She just just always needed to be doing something. If she paused, then the memories would come back.

"Do you ever stop? You make me feel like a bum." Bucky's voice made Mila turn around and she wished she hadn't. He only had his boxers covering his wet frame. He was towel drying his hair and Mila kept her eyes glued to his not wanting them to go any lower and stir up thoughts that could be positioned by Rumlow.

"I like staying busy." Mila commented remembering what it was he said. She walked over to the bathroom and Bucky stood watching her arms crossed towel hanging around his neck. The mismatched arms on his frame were a beautiful mix, Mila thought, despite how much she knew he hated the arm. He smirked slow like a clever fox sending Mila's heart to a flutter.

"I could keep-" Bucky stopped and uncrossed his arms and literally threw in the towel. Well, threw it on the floor. "Never mind. I saved you some hot water." Mila paused at the doorway and looked at him with a sad smile. She wasn't a fool, he was a man she knew how that comment would have panned out.

"You know I'm not bashful." Mila spoke looking at the floor, her actions contradicting her statement.

Bucky sighed. He never knew how far to go. The kiss earlier was proof of that. "I know, but I'm not about to push you into anything." Mila felt guilty. She put him in this situation where he had to use so much restraint for something as simple as showing affection. Maybe if she could reclaim her sense of control, make the first move instead of him, it would be better for her. Pushing aside all doubts Mila pushed herself off the frame and stood in front of him confidently. She only took about four powerful strides to him but even the way she seemed to be on the prowl for just him made his boxers just a little to small. Before he had the chance to question her she grabbed the sides of his face, her fingers combing through the thick beard he was sporting. She kissed him full on the mouth the urgency for control clear in her actions. Bucky instantly wrapped his arms around her the cool metal making her shiver into him. She bit at his bottom lip and moved her fingers to tug at his hair. He moaned and let her tongue dance with his own. Bucky couldn't stop himself from grabbing her ass and pushing her against his growing member. Mila stopped suddenly pulling back and catching her breath.

"I did that." She said proud of herself. Bucky's eyes fluttered open and his mouth gapped open in a fish like manner.

"Yeah." He said breathless. He wasn't going to lie, her show of dominance had every inch of his skin burning for more. It left him confused but eager for more.

Mila held his chin continuing to comb through the thick beard a slow smirk forming. "That was all me." Bucky emerged from the fog of lust he was submerged in realizing why she was so proud. She was making a choice about her body and she was proud of it. Bucky slowly let his hands drop from her body and bit his lip. He didn't want to continue this if she was just experimenting her own limits. He had been without her in so long he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

"Ya, good job doll. Go get yourself cleaned up." He said half hearted. Mila let her hands drop and walked away closing the door behind her a little harder than normal. Bucky interpreted it as her being excited and he laid on the couch trying not to think of how that kiss could have continued.

Mila stood before the smudged mirror touching her lips with feather like delicacy. While she loved every moment his lips were on hers she couldn't help but wonder if he really felt the way he reacted after the rush of excitement had her doubting her moves. Was she too dominating in that moment. Did it remind him of the way Hydra controlled him? Worse was she forcing her affection on him like Rumlow had done to her? She sat on the edge the tub and tucked her head between her knees trying to catch her breath. Sure it felt good to have control of the situation but it wasn't fair to Bucky to be forceful like that. She mindlessly turned on the water and let it run while she stripped. She looked at her body covered in scars and thought about Bucky's.

There was no doubting it would be a draw on who had more scars, but why would Bucky want anything to do with her after Rumlow marked her as his. She ran her fingers on the ugly puckered scars on the inside of her thighs and looked at herself with disgust. How could she be so weak to let this happen to her? A knock on the door startled her.

"You alright in there?" Bucky's voice came from the other side. "Been in there a while." He continued. Mila's brows knitted together in confusion.

"What?"

"You've been in there almost an hour. Are you ok?" Bucky called. Mila felt her heart pick up speed. Was she really lost in her own thoughts that long? She really was going crazy then. In a frenzied panic she got in the shower.

"No I'm fine!" She called.

"You sure?"

"Yes!" Mila replied to quickly.

That night the nightmares were terrible for her, so bad in fact that Bucky needed to wake her up for fear the neighbors may call the police. Bucky hesitantly kneeled beside the bed where she was thrashing. He bit his lip knowing this would not end well for him. Bucky grabbed her shoulders and tried to hold her still. Bucky pulled her close to his chest and she only fought harder.

"No Bucky! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't let him do this!" Bucky didn't know what she was talking about but it broke his heart to hear her.

"Mila, I forgive you. I'm here to protect you. Mila please wake up. It's a nightmare." He whispered. She seemed to stop fighting as much but her heart was still beating frantically. Bucky could feel the vibration in his metal arm that was against her chest. "C'mon doll…. Please wake up. It's a bad dream." He pleaded. Mila stirred and then quickly broke out of Bucky's grasp crawling across the bed and looking at her threat. Bucky hated how scared and vulnerable she looked in that moment. Like a wounded animal. This is what he had been avoiding.

"Buck?" Her whisper would have fell on deaf ears if not for the serum in Bucky's veins.

He smirked. "The one and only." He boosted. Mila began crying and ran her fingers through her hair. Bucky moved closer to her and she shoved him away before he got to close.

"I'm going to take a walk." She asserted through her sobs. She moved to the cupboard and grabbed a firearm.

"Mila, it's not safe-" She turned viciously on him.

"I have killed over fifty men in my lifetime and subdued you dozens of time. I think I can fucking handles myself!" She snapped. She slipped on her converse and Bucky went to grab his hat and jacket. "By myself!" She said making him freeze. He slammed down his boot and stood intimating her.

"No!" He took a step towards the door. "You aren't leaving again. You don't get to runaway from me again." Mila glared at him. "Last time you had a nightmare and ran off you were captured by Hydra in Italy and I'm not having that again. You talk to me through my nightmares when I wake up, I'm doing the same for you." Mila let out a slow breath and sat back against the chair.

"M'kay." Bucky paused not believing that his demand actually worked. Now he didn't really know where to go from here. Another reason he usually left her alone when she had nightmares. Bucky sat at the opposite chair and looked at his metal fingers.

"What was the nightmare about?" Bucky fumbled over his words certain he didn't sound as consoling as Mila usually did.

"My worst fear. You giving me up to Rumlow because you thought I betrayed you." Bucky nodded. So that was why she was reacting the way she was.

"You know I would never turn you over to that monster right?"

"I know that. But the dreamworld is a little different. That witch in Sokovia, she kept showing me my worst fear by orders from Von Struker so every once in a while that vision she planted surfaces." Mila stopped and smiled. "We fought side by side at the Battle of Sokovia, she even saved my life. I guess she felt guilty for what she did to me."

"Well how considerate of her." Bucky joked making Mila give a small smile.

"Almost like she was a human being forced to do Hydra's bidding. I hear Hydra can be quiet cruel." Mila gave him a side glance seeing his smile even in the dimly lit apartment. Maybe her initial reaction of running away wasn't the best. In the same way she wanted to nurture and help Bucky heal from whatever haunted him, Bucky probably wanted the same for her. But why then had he waited so long to try comforting her? Maybe this was the first time he was awake to notice. Either way, Mila was vowing to make a better effort to stop building up walls.

….

"Steve?" Natasha asked from the quinjet hanger. They were both fixing themselves for landing chasing another lead on Rumlow.

Steve shook his head and put his helmet on. "Fine." He state simply. Natasha rolled her eyes.

"I know it's been four months since you saw her, but I am applying no news s good news to this." Natasha stated.

"It's unlike her to not make good on a promise. If she found Bucky she would have told me." Natasha stood in front of her friend and gave him a pointed look.

"Would she if it meant compromising a safe place for the two of them?" Steve strapped on his helmet avoiding her eye contact because he knew she was right. He was just getting stressed with Rebecca's health quickly slipping and no word from Mila. He can't believe after 70 years he got two days with her and then she vanishes for another four months. /it was like fate was being cruel to him. He was down to four friends in his world, two were in the nursing home, the other two god knows where.

"Let's just go find Rumlow and stop him." Steve's command was to refocus the mission. Not only for all the illegal things Rumlow had done the past couple months did Steve want to find him, but also for Mila. He wanted to punch him over 200 times and let him know it was nothing personal. Steve smirked a bit at his own joke.

"How did this dude even live through a building being dropped on him?" Sam asked appearing from the front of the quinjet. "And becomes a most wanted international criminal no less. Don't most people throw in the towel? Take a vacation of something?"

Steele shook his head. "One would think. C'mon man we gotta gear up. Landing in ten minutes."

"If we see him, I'm not afraid to shoot on sight." Sam spoke. Steve let out a deep breath.

"Unfortunately we'll need to take him in alive to interrogate him. After that, he's free game."

"Can't wait." They shared a smirk and went to gearing up for the mission ahead.

…

"Can't wait!" Mila stated full of sarcasm. Over the past four months they got no more intimate but Bucky was suggesting they take advantage of Mila's new job. In order to keep up with rent and other needs, Mila found a job cleaning up a local gym owned by some has-been weightlifter. She went in at night after the gym closed, it was a every other day gig and the pay was decent enough. Bucky brought up how out of practice both of them were and how they couldn't afford to be. Bucky just got done demanding they go in together tonight and go a few rounds in the boxing ring.

"You know it's a good idea." Bucky countered shoveling another spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. Mila gave a pointed look. They had already been practicing the escape routes in the early morning hours and going over the hiding spots of all eight of the handguns they had acquired. What more did he want? Obviously they could still handle themselves.

"I'm not necessarily saying it is a bad idea but it is a waste. We both can still kick ass if the occasion calls for it." Bucky put his spoon down and raised an eyebrow.

"This coming from the girl who nearly broke her arm last week."

"Ok, that was your fault! You said to tuck and roll on the roof. I tucked! Not my fault I rolled into the damn air vent!" Bucky slowly smirked.

"Just saying someone more on top of their game woulda noticed and avoided it." Bucky shrugged nonchalantly. Mila sighed knowing she wouldn't win this.

"I' going to make sure to kick your ass tonight then." She said going too the sink to clean her plate. Bucky smiled and finished his dinner thankful that she was at least talking more. She was starting to get the life back in her eyes and smile and he wondered if having the independence of a job was helping. Bucky was still waiting for her to go round two on her steamy demanding kiss from all those months ago. Of course he should be lucky that she was opening up enough to let Bucky share the mattress with her at night. She stayed wrapped snug in the sleeping bag and Bucky laid on his back making sure to keep space between them. But it was a nice step forward. She always kept her back to him when she slept and he didn't mind it as long as he got to be near her.

"So, your nightmare last night?" Bucky asked finishing his plate. That was another thing they both did now, talked openly about the nightmares they were having.

Mila shrugged and put her plate in the drying rack. "Actually a normal nightmare. I was on the battlefield back in '45. Mortars flying, soldiers bleeding and screaming at me to stop the pain. I couldn't get my hands to work right, I lost a lot of the men." Mila gave a small smile. "Beas the normal nightmares." Mila found the more she relived the experience in her sleep and talked to Bucky about it (sometimes in the middle of the night sometimes later that day) the more distanced she felt from the event. It became more a story every time. She still couldn't accept what had happened to her, the scars were there as a physical reminder but she began to see it wasn't her fault. There was no way anyone could have fought off the attack in her shoes. While there was no justifiable reason for his actions either, Mila began to move past it and let her brain log it as any other attack from a mission Hydra put her up to. It was easier to bear that way.

"Strange, I dreamed about the battle before we were captured by Hydra last night. The one where I got written off as dead by the army?" Mila licked her lips at the recollection of the past.

"Yeah, that damn army assuming you were dead. How could they? God, that was the worse night of drinking I ever encountered." Mila said. Bucky stood and held his fingers up, the metal one glistening in the apartment light.

"Wait you got drunk when you thought I was dead? Was it depressed drinking or celebrating?" Bucky smirked. Mila rolled her eyes. God she loved that he was turning back into his old self. Even if that meant he was being a smart ass punk.

"O you know the whole camp was taking shots glad to be rid of you." She continued to serve up the sarcasm he was. Bucky swerved around her and put his plate in the sink.

"If I remember correctly, there were a few of men who would actually do that."

"If you're talking about Lee and Ecker, yeah. They hated you." Mila stated taking his plate to wash. "Didn't like how you got a piece of ass when my nurses turned 'me down." Bucky cocked his head to the side. "They thought we were sleeping together." Mila said not believing she had to spell it out.

"OH. Duh, sorry. Yeah I can see how a guy can be bitter about an idea like that."

…

"Don't bleed on my mats, I hate the smell of the blood born pathogen kit chemicals." Mila's comment came off as a threat as she held up her hands clad in boxing gloves. Bucky rolled his eyes and crouched ready to attack. His hands were also covered in gloves as well as a long sleeve to make sure the arm stayed hidden. Even after Mila said no one would be in, Bucky didn't trust the odds. They were almost never in his favor.

"I can't bleed when you don't hit me." He said with a tilt of the head showing how confident he was in Mila's inability to land a punch after her months out of training. Shortly after his remark Mila took a swing at his gut hitting him hard enough to get his attention.

"What was that?" Mila asked ducking one of his blows. "Remember I was trained to be better than you." She countered and sideswiped him as he went to hit her again. Bucky landed on his back and Mila pinned him down with her own weight by straddling him. She put her gloved hands on either side of his head and leaned over him. "Whose the one out of practice?" Bucky smirked and rolled her over easily pinning her down and holding her wrists above her head.

"What was that?" He mimicked her earlier comment. While he meant this to be lighthearted sparring the sudden look of rage in her eyes made Bucky panic for a moment. She furiously freed her wrists and landed blows on his jaw making him get off her. She didn't stop once freed from the pin. Bucky blocked more blows she was delivering one after another and she tried landing a kick to his chest but he grabbed her ankle and pulled her foot up making her land on her ass. Only then did she seem to calm back down.

Bucky stood over her panting, he had to admit he was out of practice. "What the hell was that about?" He commented. Mila silently rolled getting up on her hands and knees. She sat back and took her gloves off throwing them across the ring and getting out. "Mila." Bucky called getting no response. He walked to the side of the ring and leaned on the ropes. "Mila c'mon." His request was boarder line whining. Mila kept ignoring him and went to the closet to get out her cleaning supplies. Bucky jumped out of the ring and jogged to her. He put his foot on the mop bucket holding her in place. "Talk to me." He begged. Any fool could tell something was bothering her.

"I'm fine. Go home. You need to sleep before you go too work." Mila never made eye contact as she pushed the bucket past Bucky. Bucky groaned and rolled his neck. He slipped off a glove and chucked it her direction hitting her in the back causing no harm. She turned around popping her her hip and setting her jaw in annoyance. "What?!" She snapped.

"You went from happy to pissed in a second what happened?" Bucky gestured to the ring behind her to spur her memory.

She shook her head and looked at the floor picking up his glove. "If you think about it…. It'll click." She threw the glove at him and he caught it before if could hit him in the gut. She began to work her body language screaming that she was done talking to him. Bucky took a few steps over to lean on a support beam in the building and looked at the ring turning the glove over multiple times as he thought. She was fine til he pinned her. Surely she wasn't a sorry sport because she lost. Then the truth hit him like a truck making his breath catch.

"Oh god." His exclamation was full of regret as Mila looked up from across the room. She heard him. Her look was nothing short of hurt. "Mila, I'm sorry." He said walking over to her. She put her hand up stopping him from across the room.

"Just go back home. I'll be over it by the time you get home from work." Her voice was flat and Bucky knew t respect her request. With a sigh he took the other glove off and grabbed his belongings before heading for the door. He paused at the door.

"Good night Mila." He called but she didn't respond.

…

It kept Bucky's mind going all day at work. He fucked up. He should have known better than to pin her down like that. Of course it would trigger her and she was doing so well to recover. A couple of his fellow mechanics at the shop asked about the bruising on his jaw and teased him about his lady beating him for not taking out the trash. Bucky joined in half heartedly telling them he got it at the gym. Of course it opened the can of worms of asking about his lady was doing. They learned a month ago that the glumly guy actually had a girlfriend but he never talked about her a lot.

"C'mon James, what is she like. She pretty? Good housekeeper? You never share the details." The Romanian pleading of his friend from the other side of the car made him shake his head with a smile.

Bucky started in on his Romanian which had gotten exceptionally better during his time at the shop. "Unlike the rest of you monkeys I treat my girl with respect. Call me old fashion but I don't kiss and tell." That earned some chuckles from the shop floor.

"What do you know about old fashion? My pops told me he learned everything about women from the soilder talk in the Rhineland." Bucky scoffed. Yeah, he knew nothing about old fashioned. When the Commandos talked about women it was never disrespectful. It was true they would talk about particular parts of female anatomy, but Bucky let the boys be boys. He never talked about his nurse Betty like that. He wasn't about to start because that was the new norm of society.

"Army guys." Bucky commented hoping they could turn the topic away from Mila. It worked they talked about some family who were deployed and their dad's war time stories. It made the work day fly by and before he knew it he was rounding the corner to his street. On the way he noticed a flower cart selling some daisies. It wasn't much but the couple of white flowers were all he could get. He was glad tomorrow was payday. He would spoil her tomorrow. He climbed the stairs and opened the door finding Mila nowhere in sight but the cushions from the couch were thrown across the room, some dishes were broken on the floor, and the mattress was flipped over. Bucky began to panic and threw the flowers on the table and went to check the bathroom before he ran around the city in a frenzy. It was empty as well and he turned around to go for the door way and saw Mila with a stack of folded clothes in her arms.

Bucky sighed. "Thank god." He relaxed a bit offered to take the clothes from her and he noticed the bandages wrapped around her knuckles. He also noticed she was covered in a thin layer of sweat. "Are you alright." She forced a smile.

"Just got done at the gym." She said walking over to the sink. "Thought I would get the laundry on my way up." She poured a glass of water ignoring the mess on the floor and leaned against the counter drinking.

"You just got done cleaning?" He asked going into the bathroom where a small standing cabinet held all their clothes. He emerged not understanding how she seemed so calm with the mess around here.

She shook her head. "I got done beating the shit out of the punching bag. Figured it gave the apartment a break." She casually gestured around. Bucky opened his mouth to say something but shut it just as fast. So there was no struggle but whatever she was wrestling with in her head. "I'm going to clean it up after I take a shower." She said setting the glass down and walked past Bucky. She paused for a moment looking at the flowers on the table. She smiled and gathered them up delicately. "These mine?" She turned to look at Bucky with hooded eyes her cheeks flushed.

Bucky felt like he was talking to a completely different woman than the one he last saw. "Yeah, I picked them up for you." He stuttered out.

"Thanks." She said patting his cheek as she walked to the bathroom. When the door shut Bucky's jaw dropped and the confusion showed on his face. He didn't know what happened while he was at work today but it was something strange. Figuring he could confront her about it when she reemerged, he set to cleaning up the mess Mila promised to clean up later. Mila emerged when he was behind the island in the kitchen picking up the broken plate. Bucky peeked above the counter and saw Mila in not but a towel.

"Uh" Bucky didn't know what she was doing. She walked over to the table and grabbed Bucky's maroon shirt he discarded last night before bed.

"I told you I would pick this up when I was done." She scolded walking back into the bathroom. Bucky put the plate pieces in the trash and waited for her to come back out. This time she was wearing her usual shots, despite the crisp September air starting to set in, and Bucky's favorite plum colored shirt with the only three buttons it had unbuttoned. Needless to say it was like she was trying to tempt him on purpose. The fair expense of her leg and illusion of the valley between her breast had him wanting to push past her and take a cold shower.

"What is going on?" He flat out asked.

"Well I got to thinking as I was cleaning the gym. I keep letting him win by letting his attack ruin anything and every thought. If I really want to get back, stopping him from plaguing my daily life and happiness it the way to do it. So I took out my frustration when I got home, and then was upset I used anger against him and myself to destroy our safe place. So I went to the gym and blew off more steam. I'm not saying I'm over everything he did, but like you being stuck on hating the Red Sentinel and not moving on to heal, i have to try. Betty wouldn't have given up hope and let something like this destroy her. I have to be strong and start making more of an effort." Bucky understood what she was saying and could relate in a sense but the change was so quick that he wondered if something else was driving her.

"Mila, I love that you are doing this. Trying to get better, but aren't you afraid you're pushing to quick? I mean just this morning you looked like you were going to kill me."

"Exactly. I don't want it controlling me. I am going to take control. Besides," She held the side of his face and stroked her thumb over his cheek. "I have been neglecting helping you try to remember your Brooklyn life. You and I were supposed to heal together and I've been selfish. It's unfair." She planted a kiss to his other cheek and his metal hand grabbed her wrist holding her arm touch that he missed close.

"You are the strongest woman I've ever known." Bucky kissed the inside of her wrist and pulled her in for an embrace long overdue. "I hope to be half as strong as you while your help me recover. But do not push yourself. Take every minute you need. I am more than willing to stand by your side as long as it takes." Bucky whispered.