Author's Note: Well, this chapter proved more difficult than I thought it would be. If I'm being completely honest, I have to admit, it is nothing like I thought it would be, either. I definitely have to thank Vorcha Girl, spacecats, bellabustersx, Elissa Theirin, riehull, Jules Hawk, PillarofNormandy, and the guest for your reviews on the last chapter. I am so grateful that you've taken the time to read, and then to let me know what you think. It's awesome.
I guess that's all... Enjoy. - TLC
Chapter Thirty-Seven
They had set their rules quite simply. While they were on the Normandy, they had to remain strictly professional. Kaidan knew, as well as Shepard did, that it was a slippery slope and any small breach of protocol and they would be found out. Then they'd be facing reassignment for Kaidan and possibly a court martial for Shepard. As much as he missed her, and the way he could just lean over and kiss her whenever he wanted to, he knew it was better this way.
Though Saren and Sovereign had been defeated, there were still pockets of geth scattered through the Traverse and Shepard had been tasked with neutralizing them. Her Spectre status had allowed her the opportunity to keep the non-Alliance crew on board. Garrus and Liara had accepted and stayed on, while Wrex and Tali had gone back to their people. Kaidan hadn't realized how much Tali had helped Engineer Adams until the Chief Engineer had called him down to help him sort out some of the coding Tali had left active. The coding had been meant to continue the assistance she had offered, but when Adams had tried to disable it, it had triggered the security protocol and ended up shutting down some non-essential systems. It amazed Kaidan, as he worked to undo what she had done, how much knowledge Tali had, and he missed the young Quarian.
It was easier than Shepard and Kaidan had thought it would be to fall back into their respective roles of Commander and Lieutenant. Partly due to the fact that the beginning of a mission was always busy, so they didn't have much downtime. Kaidan was still stationed outside her quarters, so he would catch glimpses of her throughout the day. However, this time, she didn't join the crew for meals and he hadn't run into her at night, either. She kept to herself in her quarters more than last time.
It was even easier when they were groundside. Shepard, with her armor on and Commander thick in her voice, left no room for defiance. Kaidan was able to focus on his years of training and instinctual ability to follow orders. He was proud of himself, for his ability to compartmentalize and get the job done. If anyone had noticed a change in them, they said nothing. Kaidan had a feeling Garrus knew something was different. It was in the soft twitching of his mandibles and the mirth in his eyes as they would check their armor before a mission. Kaidan also thought Joker had his suspicions, but the pilot had enough respect for Shepard, and for Kaidan, to keep it to himself.
The first time their rules had been broken was just about a week into the tour. Kaidan had one of the worst migraines he'd had aside from Noveria and the Citadel. He was curled up in the med-bay and waiting for Chakwas's medicine to kick in. It was late in the night cycle, and Chakwas had abandoned the bay for her own bed at Kaidan's insistence. There was no reason for the Doctor to sit awake. He would be fine once the meds kicked in. Shortly after, Kaidan heard the soft sigh of the doors opening and at first he'd thought it was Chakwas returning but then he smelled plum blossoms. He took a long, deep breath ignoring the rolling waves of nausea. She leaned down and whispered his name in his ear. He opened his eyes just slightly and found her face near his. "Come to bed with me," She whispered, concern the only emotion he could make out in her eyes. His eyes opened wide and he started to argue. She snorted and he stopped, "Like you're in any condition," She teased, and despite the pain he smiled, "Come on, it has to be more comfortable than this cot."
He didn't have the strength to argue about their rules. He sat up slowly and she picked up his boots. He draped his arm over her shoulders and she supported him as she led him out of the bay and across the empty mess to her quarters. The door locked behind them and she dropped his boots and he winced. She apologized as they reached the bed. He was still dressed in his BDUs. She knelt in front of him and helped him pull off his uniform. Once he was down to his undershirt and boxers she eased him back in the bed, the pillows cushioning him mercifully. The bed smelled like her. He hadn't realized how much he had missed it as he felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders.
Shepard quickly changed and climbed into bed with him. Instantly, he rolled over and pulled her to him. She didn't make the pain go away, but she helped him relax as he waited for the meds to start working. He rested his head on her chest and let the soft thudding of her heart lull him to sleep as her cold hands skimmed across his head and down his face.
It was still the night cycle when he woke a few hours later. Shepard was on her side, facing away from him, having moved as they slept. He assessed his pain level and realized he was blissfully pain free. Nearly out of habit, he reached out and his hand slid under her shirt to caress her belly as he pulled her closer. As his arm circled her, her back pressed to his chest and their legs twisted together.
A soft sigh escaped her as she slept and he pressed a kiss to her neck. She turned her head in her half dazed state and her lips found his for a gentle, tender kiss. "Feeling better?" She whispered and he nodded with his face in her neck. He looked to her and found a sleepy, triumphant smile. He suddenly had the thought that maybe she felt the same. As tempted as he was to tell her, to whisper the words here in the dark security of her room, he couldn't. Instead, he pulled her closer and felt her relax as her cool hand trailed down the arm around her and rested on top of his hand, their fingers linked. They dozed lightly. Simply enjoying the contact that they had been missing since the start of the mission.
He didn't fall back into a sound sleep, he was just hovering between sleep and wakefulness. He knew he needed rest, but he didn't know when he'd be able to hold her again and he didn't want to sleep through it. After about an hour, Shepard pulled away from him as she slowly sat up. She stretched and Kaidan admired the way the muscles shifted under her skin. She turned and looked down at him. "It's time for me to get up," She announced quietly. "You should get some more sleep, though," She suggested as she ran her hand down his face, the light stubble tickling the tips of her fingers. "If someone notices you're not in your pod, there might be questions." He agreed with her and got up to dress. She sat at the station in her quarters and pulled up her messages as she twisted her hair up off her neck. He redressed in his BDUs, which he didn't remember removing.
Once he was dressed, he went to her at the console and rested his hands on her shoulders. She turned her head up towards him and he leaned down and kissed her softly. She sighed into it, and when he pulled away she licked her lips, smiling. She took his hand in hers and walked him to the door of her quarters. He reached out, cupped her cheek, and she leaned into it closing her eyes. "Thank you, Sloan," He whispered and she nodded, opening her eyes and meeting his.
"I'm always here, Kaidan," She reminded him, as she took his hand from her face and held it. He felt a tender twist in his core at the promise and use of his first name. He smiled and placed a kiss to her forehead before leaving her and going to his pod to try to catch at least another hour of sleep. Later that day, when he saw her on the ship, she'd made eye contact with him and offered him a small smile. It warmed him, and he returned it briefly before turning his eyes back to his work. Aside from that, it was as if the night before hadn't happened, and they were back to business.
The next few days passed and Kaidan wasn't sleeping well. He could feel it deep in his bones, the exhaustion. He worried that if he didn't get more sleep, he'd mess up groundside and get himself injured. Yet, it seemed that with every site they hit, the geth grew in numbers. It had only been just about two weeks but it felt longer. The mission this day had been extensive and more difficult that previous. The geth were holed up in a heavily fortified bunker and it took almost a full day for the trio to break through their defenses. It was well into the night cycle when they were finally able to radio Joker for pick up. Shepard pulled off her helmet and brushed the sweat slickened hair off her forehead as she drove the Mako to the extraction point.
"I need a drink," Garrus grumbled, his exhausted two-toned voice broke the silence from the back seat. Kaidan chuckled as he rubbed the back of his neck after removing his own helmet. A drink sounded like heaven, and would probably help him sleep.
"I've got whiskey, but it's not dextro," Shepard offered, "Did you sneak anything on board?" She asked him and Garrus let out a low, rumbling, almost ironic, chuckle.
"That's like asking if a Salarian talks fast," Garrus responded and an exhausted smile spread on the Commander's face. They reached the extraction point and Shepard glanced at Kaidan before turning to Garrus.
"Alright, get cleaned up and meet at my quarters in 20. I think we deserve a drink after today," She ordered and Kaidan felt a rush of apprehension run through him. It would be a test, that's for sure. She locked eyes with him for a moment as she turned back around, and he could almost see the reassurance in her eyes. She smiled at him before turning back as the Normandy came into view.
That was how Kaidan had found himself sitting in Shepard's cabin with a slurring Turian, a sleepy-eyed Commander, an empty bottle of some Turian liquor he wasn't sure of the name, and a half-empty bottle of whiskey. They'd taken the time for quick showers after returning to the ship, and Shepard had left her door unlocked for them. When Kaidan had entered he'd been grateful that Garrus had beat him to her room. He didn't want to tempt fate.
He watched as Shepard and Garrus recollected missions, both trying to best the other with their stories. Shepard's eyes were hooded from weariness and the whiskey had tinted her cheeks pink. She was laughing, and Kaidan smiled as he took a drink from his glass. "Okay, okay, Shepard, you win. I'll let it go for tonight. I'm too tired to keep at it," Garrus conceded before knocking back the rest of his drink. Shepard grinned triumphantly and threw her arms up. Kaidan's eyes moved to her midriff out of habit. "I'm going to get some sleep," Garrus said as he stood, wavering slightly on his feet.
"You alright, Vakarian?" Kaidan asked and Garrus waved him off mumbling as he made his way to the door. Shepard was still grinning as the doors closed behind him leaving her alone with Kaidan. She dropped her eyes to her glass, her finger was tracing the rim lightly. Kaidan tore his eyes away from her as he forced a stretch. "I should go," He whispered but he didn't move.
"Yeah," She answered quietly, with a gentle nod as she reached out and closed the bottle of liquor. He looked at her, and the exhaustion he knew he felt was mirrored in her and he felt it in his chest when she sighed deeply.
"You alright, Sloan?" He asked her, his voice a low rumbling whisper.
She met his eyes, and he saw the shadows there. "I haven't been sleeping well," She admitted, sighing deeply. "I've been having nightmares," Her confession was so quiet, and human, her words sounded small in the room. He asked her what they were of, and she closed her eyes as she spoke. The Prothean. When she would close her eyes, and hover between being asleep and being awake, she would see the images from the beacon. Now that she had lived with the cipher for so long, she was beginning to understand the images. "So, before I'm even really sleeping, I wake up in a panic, and can't fall back to sleep."
"Did you have nightmares in Vancouver?" He asked her. He was almost afraid to bring up their shore leave, and the time they had spent together. It seemed like it would break an unset rule. She smiled sadly and shook her head.
"It's worse when I'm alone," She whispered again, and his heart thudded against his chest as his head swam. He wasn't sure if it was from the whiskey or the insinuation. There was a heated silence between them as the minutes ticked by. He was about to reach out and take her in his arms when she spoke, "You should go," She reminded him, her voice held an unusual tremble. She looked up at him, her cheeks still pink and he nodded. "But… you could stay," She offered, "if you wanted to."
His hands were in her hair and his lips were on hers as she finished speaking. She kissed him back instantly, her hands on his forearms as a soft moan slipped from her. He guided her to standing and his arms wound around her waist pulling her closer. Her hands moved to his back and she fisted his shirt. He moved his kisses to her neck and she groaned, "Oh, thank God." He chuckled against her skin as he backed her towards her bed.
Later, they laid together; their skin sweat slickened and their breathing heavy, their hearts racing and biotics flaring. He had his head pressed against her chest and her hands were in his hair. So much for their rules, and self-control. He said as much and she laughed quietly. He heard the soft whisper of her giggle as it danced around her heartbeat before escaping. He grinned and placed a gentle kiss to her breast bone before rolling off her and pulling her to him. "I think I'll sleep better tonight," She whispered as she wrapped her arms around him. He pulled her closer and said nothing as he felt himself relax in a way he hadn't been able to since they returned to the Normandy. She did that for him, and he liked the thought that he returned the favor.
Once again, he was tempted to say it. Tempted to tell her he was falling in love with her. The fact that he felt that strongly scared him more than anything else. Sure, he'd been in love before; at least he thought he'd been. He'd had his first childhood love with Rahna, but like all young love it wasn't meant to last. There was also the woman he'd been seeing through basic. She wasn't a soldier, she was a doctor and she taught him a lot about how to love a woman; in the bedroom and outside of it. Their relationship had ended when he'd finished basic and was shipped out. She wasn't interested in long distance. He was sure, at the time, that he had been in love with her. Though, looking back he seemed to get over that heartbreak rather easily.
When he looked down at Shepard, as her breathing deepened and she drifted off to a peaceful slumber, he thought of the Battle of the Citadel and the physical pain he felt in his chest when he thought she had died. That was nothing like the pain he'd felt before. He didn't think he could pinpoint a moment, or event, that made him love her. It was like he always had, like he was meant to, he just needed to realize it. Now that he had, he didn't know what to do with the information. He wanted to tell her, but he was terrified. That was part of it, right? Being in love? The terror, the willingness to open oneself up and let someone in. The willingness to hand over the power, to give the other person the ability to break your heart.
She fell asleep against him, her head pillowed on his shoulder, her arm draped over his chest and her leg up over his hip. He smiled and pulled the blanket over them. He kissed her forehead and watched her. When she pulled him closer in her sleep, he had the fleeting thought that he'd be safe trusting her, and that made him smile. He turned his face into her hair and took a deep breath, trying to remember everything about this moment. It would be cheating to say it out loud now that she'd fallen asleep. So he kept his confession to himself, glancing at the clock. He had about four hours to sleep. It wasn't much, but it was more than he'd been getting lately. He was certain it would be more restful as well. He held her tighter as he closed his eyes and let himself follow her to sleep. They were scheduled to arrive at Alchera at 0800.
Looking back on that moment, if he had known what would happen, he would have told her. He would have woken her up and said it over and over, like a broken record, until she believed him. He would have made love to her all night long, promising to love her forever; if she would have him. They say hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, there was so much he would have done differently if only he had known.