Miko's anxieties took a lot of adjusting to. Itachi practically had to walk on eggshells around her. There were all sorts of unspoken rules that he had to follow if he didn't want her to collapse in a heap of panic-attack stricken tears. He couldn't walk into the room while she was dressing and he couldn't walk into the bathroom while she was showering. She wore long layers of clothes that covered nearly every inch of her skin as if to hide herself away. Gone were the nights where they'd cuddle, kiss, and whisper playfully under the covers. She slept on her side refusing any kind of contact with him. He tried not take it personally, he tried very hard. He wasn't mad or upset at her; he wouldn't allow himself to be. Instead he redirected his frustration at its source; at his menace of a little brother. This was all his fault for destroying her pure and carefree soul. How could he do this to her?
Ironically the twins became a convenient distraction. Whenever things seemed to get tense he'd excuse himself to tend them. He did grow to love them and took great care of them, but there was still a part of him that resented the fact that they were his brother's children. He couldn't deny it but he wouldn't allow that feeling to grow either. He wouldn't dream of blaming them for circumstances beyond their control. But he was fast approaching his breaking point; all this tension and frustration had to be released. Usually he could vent to his wife, but he could hardly do that now. He didn't want her to feel guilty for something she couldn't really help.
This was compounded by the fact that Miko suspected all this. She knew her anxieties were alienating her from her husband. She wished more than anything that it wasn't the case. All she wanted was to hold him close, whisper seductively in his ear and feel his breath on her neck. She often fantasized of it. But every time she tried it in real life, suddenly in her mind Sasuke appeared in his place with his lustful hands grasping her so tightly she could hardly breathe. I love you Miko, he said huskily. I need you and I'll never let you go.
How could she possibly touch Itachi without thinking of his brother? It wasn't fair at all and often left her feeling nauseous and Itachi feeling disappointed. So she withdrew into herself, afraid to move forward. Only at night while he slept did she feel comfortable drawing closer, caressing his soft hair and kissing his still lips. But it left her feeling even more unsatisfied. "Oh Itachi," she whispered into the corner of his mouth. "Why do I find the need to hide myself from you when you're the only one who loves me so completely?"
She knew without a doubt that his feelings towards her had never changed, not even when he had learned about the twins. He loved them and treated them well. Of course he was still looked at her with wandering eyes from time to time. He couldn't help himself; he was very attracted to her. She was flattered by his attention, but still too caught up with shame. Secretly she thought he should have made her work for forgiveness, hold back, and punish her or something. He shouldn't have taken her back so easily. But she knew he wasn't the sort of man to be vindictive. Even towards his own brother who he hated, he didn't seek revenge. He left his fate to the ANBU to decide. His love remained true and yet it made her uneasy. She confided her worries to Ritsuko.
"Not to sound harsh but you're making way too big a deal out of this," Ritsuko said as she handed her some tea.
Miko made a face at her. "Whereas you never make a big deal out of anything."
"No, generally Kisame does that for me," she smirked as she took a sip. "Someone has to keep a cool head. Now listen. If you really want to show Itachi how much you love him then go right ahead. You love him and he loves you, so do what comes naturally. It's not doing either of you any good to hold back."
"But what if I think of him again?" She asked in a timid voice.
"Odds are you probably will," Ritsuko agreed. "But consider it a passing thought and let it go."
Miko looked skeptic. "Just like that?"
She nodded. "Just like that. It'll be hard at first, but soon you'll too busy to think of anything else." She grinned mischievously.
But Miko was still unable to find the courage to show Itachi how much she loved and appreciated him. She was too caught up in her guilt and shame at what had happened. So they were at a stand still; she couldn't bear to be near him, and nothing he did could break through her barrier. Things only worsened when Yusei returned home. Itachi pulled him aside to explain the situation as calmly and delicately as he could. It was no good because Yusei exploded at him. "You mean to say that you're going to let those little abominations live with us?"
"Watch your mouth," Itachi growled. "They're no such things."
"They are if he's the father!" Yusei challenged. "Either they go or I go!"
He looked grieved. He knew he couldn't force Yusei to accept them as his siblings, his hatred and anger at Sasuke was still very strong. But he had hoped Yusei would be more understanding than this. He hugged him close. "I know it's hard, but try to think of it this way. They're part of your mother too. They didn't ask for this to happen, they couldn't help being born now could they?"
"I guess not," Yusei mumbled.
"Your mother needs us now, more than ever," he said gently. "Please reconsider son."
"Alright," he conceded. "I'll give it a try, for mom's sake."
For the next few months he really did try, but struggled to understand why his mother was so depressed. She was home now, with family and friends who loved her. So why did she keep to herself, unable to look anyone in the eye? He felt her emotional absence strongly, especially during this crisis with Katsuye. He worried and missed her greatly, but didn't dare see her because of Kisame's warning. While he didn't respect him, he did fear him and was reluctant to have another confrontation. He would have shared this with his parents, but Miko was too caught up in her guilt and Itachi was too busy caring for the twins. Unfortunately he wasn't as understanding and patient as his father was. Without warning, he moved out to stay with Naruto.
When Itachi went to retrieve him, Naruto pulled him aside. "It might be for the best if he stays here. He's really hurting, you know."
Itachi sighed and hung his head. "I do and yet…I can't do anymore than I'm already doing."
Naruto looked sympathetic. "Then why don't you tell Miko to snap out of it already?"
Itachi laughed grimly. "You really think it's that easy?"
"It should be," Naruto said naively. "Yes Sasuke was a major jerk, but he's not holding her back anymore. So why is she letting him still?"
"I don't know," Itachi said wearily. "I've wondered the same thing time and again."
Miko took Yusei's absence hard and she felt even worse. This was all her fault and yet she couldn't see how she could fix this. It was all she could to even get out of bed every morning. I never should have come back, she thought miserably. I knew I'd be nothing but trouble for everyone I cared about. She felt it all beginning to slip away and spiral out of control, losing faith in everything, even herself. Then one night, she had a dream. It wasn't like her usual dreams; she really felt a part of it. She felt the sensation of her hair being stroked. She was lying down with her head in someone's lap and a blanket draped over her. A steady hand held the brush as it ran through her silky hair. It felt so peaceful and soothing that she wasn't ready to move away yet.
"You've suffered so much and I am truly sorry," a familiar voice murmured kindly overhead. And her eyes flew open and she bolted upright and stared. She saw her clearly, just inches from her face and she still didn't believe her eyes. "Inari-sama?" She whispered. The corners of her eyes crinkled as she smiled and nodded. Miko drew back, now aware that she was in her old bedroom, back when she was a student with big dreams of being a guardian in their service. She shook her head slowly. "But this can't be happening…I was banished…"
She set the brush aside and folded her paws on her lap. Clothed in one of her elaborate robes and a regal headdress, she looked the very picture of quiet dignity. "That is correct, but you are here at our invitation. It is time for you to know the truth."
She frowned. "You've already told me about how I changed fate by loving Itachi."
"And so you have," she agreed as she slowly rose to her feet. "But there is much you still do not understand. Your destiny has always been a great one and it is time that you know what it was meant to be. Please follow me. Inari is waiting."
Miko followed after her and looked around at the familiar hallway she passed through for classes. That seemed forever ago now, it was a completely different life and strangely she felt nostalgic. Who ever would have guessed that she'd miss this? Of course I would, she reasoned. It was a part of my life after all. Then she pointed down a corridor that Miko didn't recognize or even remember was there before. Waiting at the end was father Inari who smiled warmly. "Go now," her mother gently encouraged her.
She walked down the corridor cautiously, still unsure of what she was doing back here. He held his paws out to hug her. "I have greatly missed you, my daughter."
Miko felt tongue-tied and confused but returned his hug anyway.
He pulled back with a compassion look in his eye. "You were never one to be so silent."
She wore a brief side smile. "Forgive me Inari-sama but I am not feeling myself today."
He bowed his head in agreement. "I know and I must say it grieves me to see you like this."
She lowered her gaze shamefully. Yet another person I've let down, she thought miserably.
"You haven't let me down," he said gently as he read her thoughts. "You have done well and made me proud." He gently he lifted her chin to look deep into her eyes. "And that is why we meet again, because it is time to explain what your true mission is."
She frowned. "My true mission? But surely I was supposed to be a messenger like the rest."
He chuckled. "You are nothing like the others Miko. You were born to stand out."
"I still don't understand," she whined like a child who was bored with their parents lecture.
"Exercise patience my child," he said kindly. "All will be clear soon enough. Tell me, what do you know of the elder son of the Sage of Six Paths?"
"Hardly anything," she said, completely surprised by this random change in subject.
"He is the ancestor of the Uchiha Clan, making Itachi and Sasuke his descendants."
"I suppose that makes sense. But what does that have to do with me?"
He paused for a moment and slowly turned away from her. He looked up at the tapestries on the wall. "His wife was a Kitsune." Miko was shocked but remained silent. "That is the secret to the Uchiha clan's great power; it is mingled with the divine. But they squandered their talent and twisted it for their own selfish desires. To abuse such a gift was of the highest offense and a cleansing was in order."
"So that's why it was Itachi's destiny to destroy them," she finished softly and then it clicked. "And as the eldest son of the clan's leader, naturally he would have been Uchiha's heir and that means…"
He nodded. "Yes, you two were meant to be together and to revive the clan as was done in ancient times."
"If that's true, then why were the twins conceived?" She asked bluntly. "Doesn't that throw a wrench in this revival?"
He shook his head. "Not at all. What caused the downfall of Uchiha was their single-mindedness, the pure line. In order to prevent the past from repeating itself, there must be balance. Two brothers, two lines, one source."
Now it dawned on her. "So Sasuke was supposed to get me pregnant," her mouth went terribly dry. It was so hard to say that aloud, it still hurt to know how deep her betrayal ran. Suddenly a fire blazed in her eyes. How could they do this to her? Set her up as a pawn to be taken advantage of? His calmness infuriated her and forgetting her place she glared at him. "How could you do this to me? Don't you know what hell it was for me? How could you let him take me away from my family and friends, my perfectly wonderful life? Have you any idea how scared, lonely, and hurt I was?"
Instead of putting her in her place, he looked sympathetic. "I did. Why do you suppose I sent Chizu your way?"
She stopped at this. She had never stopped to think that Chizu had any real role to play in this. Of course she had saved her but could it really be that she was meant to do that?
"She needed you Miko just as much as you needed her. Only you could warm her heart of stone. You have compassion and eternal optimism, the kind that gently motivates and inspires."
She sighed and hung her head. "I used to. But I'm nothing like that girl now."
He gently rested a paw on her shoulder. "You have to be if you don't want things to get worse."
Her eyes widened in horror. "How could they possibly get worse?"
"They can and they will unless you snap out of this depression. Your work is not over yet, my child. Unless you make peace with all, the two lines will forever be in competition, seeking revenge and retribution that will only end in the complete destruction of all."
She didn't want that but at the moment she felt too over-whelmed. "Haven't I done enough?" She asked wearily.
He gave her a reproachful look and she cringed and bowed her head submissively. "Forgive my rudeness, Inari-sama."
His expression softened. "I know it isn't fair to ask more of you," he commiserated. "But only you can do this."
"Because it is my duty as a Kitsune."
"Because of who you are." He said firmly, but kindly. "You have that rarest of qualities, that open-mindedness that is free of guile and deceit. You love and trust with all your heart. All who met you are impressed with your kindness and consideration. There isn't anything you wouldn't do to help, be it a stranger or closest friend. Earth could use more people like you."
She blushed slightly at the compliment. "I miss that side of me."
"She's still in there," he assured her. "Look into your heart, trust your instincts, and move forward with no regrets. You have many friends and family who love and support you. They will not abandon you now. Let their belief in you lift your spirits until your confidence returns."
She nodded thoughtfully, a small smile growing across her face as she remembered all the kind visitors she had had since she returned. How could she have forgotten that? Why had she let her fear blind her to reject them?
"When you believe in yourself, the path will become clear," he said as he kissed her forehead. "The worst is behind you now so live life to the fullest. Farewell, my daughter. Never forget how special you are."
"Thank you Inari-sama," she said as she hugged him. "Never again will I lose faith."
Suddenly her eyes flew open as she snapped awake. She lay still as she thought about the dream. Was it only a dream? Or had she really returned home for a short while? She rested a hand over her racing heart. Did it really matter? She thought hard about what had happened since she returned to Konoha. She had to admit that hiding herself away hadn't fixed her problems but had only made them worse. And yet she was scared of the idea of letting go of her fears. Well what matter more? She thought ruefully. Your fears or your family?
And if the worst was behind her now; then it was time to move forward. It was a liberating feeling that lifted the heavy burden on her chest. Taking deep breaths, she reminded herself of Itachi's love and loyalty and the welcoming, shining faces of every visitor who still stopped by to bring her some cheer. Surrounded by such happiness should have lifted her spirits and would have if she hadn't selfishly turned away to wallow in self-pity. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to be myself again, she thought wistfully. I don't know how, she admitted to herself honestly. The past still haunted her and mostly likely would for a long time. But its time for me to live again...really live. Feeling better than she had in so long; she resolved to fix things, starting with Itachi. She turned to look at him and was surprised to see he wasn't there. She sat up and looked around. "Itachi?"
No answer, so she stepped out into the dark hallway, feeling her way along the wall and saw a light on in the study. She cracked open the door and poked her head in. He saw her and quickly gathered his papers and set them aside. "Oh you're awake? I hope my absence didn't startle you. Akiza needed to be rocked back to sleep and I remembered some work that needed to be done and-" He hesitated as he noticed a change in her countenance. "Is something wrong?"
"Oh no! Please stay seated," she assured him as she drew closer.
He frowned uncertainly. "Then what's going on?"
"I…uh…that is…I…" She stuttered, suddenly embarrassed by the fact that he was staring at her. "I…wanted to apologize."
"You don't need to apologize," he sighed wearily, getting a little tired of her unnecessary apologies.
"Yes I do!" She said firmly, stunning him into silence. He hadn't see her this assertive in so long and his curiosity kept him silence. She took a calming breath and stepped around the desk, turning his swivel chair towards her. She leaned forward, resting her hands on the armrests. "I made you make a promise and then made it impossible for you to keep it. I set you up for failure from the very beginning." He neither confirmed or denied this but listened intently. "I'm sorry for that and for being such a paranoid brat about this…whole thing. I didn't mean to drive you all away. I thought I could get over this on my own…but…I can't. I need your help…and I want your help," she said softly. "You've always been there for me and loved me…even when I didn't deserve it. I'm sorry I've let you down."
"You didn't," he murmured gently as he stroked her arm; a familiar warmth sparkled in his eyes. It was obvious how much he loved her and this time she didn't look away. Gathering her courage she climbed into his lap. A fire lit up in his eyes as she slipped her hands up the front of his shirt.
"I love you Itachi," she whispered into his lips. "Let me show you just how much."
"Are you sure about this?" He asked warily.
She nodded. "I want things to be the way they used to be. Even this...especially this. So no more holding back…for either of us. Promise?"
He answered with a passionate kiss. It took her breath away but she let him kiss her deeply, letting his tongue explore her mouth. His intensity startled her a little but excited her even more and she gave herself to the feeling. Sasuke seemed like a distant memory compared to this. Itachi yanked the neckline of her shirt to the side to expose her slender neckline which he hungrily tasted. He had forgotten how incredible she tasted and he knew he would never tire of it. Finding the chair too restrictive for what he wanted to do, he lifted her onto his desk. He leaned in between her legs to kiss her again, his hands unbuttoning the front of her shirt with clumsy impatience.
She leaned into him with breathless anticipation. She didn't remember how his shirt came off but didn't let details like that bother her. He felt a sense of euphoria to express his love to the girl he loved more than life itself. His confidence soared as she not only welcomed his touch but further encouraged it with a passion of her own. For the first time since their kiss in the ANBU Prison Quarters, he felt that intimate connection, her soul intertwined with his once again. He climbed up after her, gently pushed her down and straddled her low across the waist. He leaned over her and then paused for a moment as he tried to catch his breath.
She panted as well but grinned from ear to ear as she lazily dragged a finger down his chest, tugging gently on the waistband of his pants. "Why did you stop? Isn't this what you wanted?"
"No." He shook his head and she looked heartbroken. "That is to say it's not the only thing I want," he reassured her.
She cocked her head to the side. "What do you want then?"
He leaned forward, resting on his elbows with his body gently brushing against hers. "I want to connect with you, but not just in this way. I want to know all your secrets, all your fears and worries."
She giggled softly. "Why would you want to know any of that?"
"Because I love everything about you," he said as he kissed her mouth. "You're not just my wife and lover but my very best friend."
"Even now?" She whispered hesitantly.
"I know you too well Miko. There's very little you can hide from me," he chuckled. "You worry that I think you're responsible for what happened. That somehow you're just as guilty as Sasuke is in this whole affair."
She lowered her gaze as she blushed and nodded mutely.
"But that's where you're wrong," he insisted. "You did nothing wrong because you never gave yourself willingly."
"Does it make any difference?" She asked ruefully. "I was still his day or night to do with as he pleased."
"Yes," he softly agreed. "But he never had the real you, the girl who stole my heart from the very first day." He kissed her gently, speaking between each kiss. "The girl…who broadened…my world…the girl who…makes me feel weak…the girl …" he groaned as she pressed up against him, her hands resting low on his hips. "Who is terribly distracting," he teased with a laugh.
"Later I'll tell you everything you want to know," she promised him. "But right now I want you to shut up and kiss me."
He chuckled as he happily obliged. As they reconnected, Sasuke crossed neither of their minds. He no longer stood in the way of their love…and in truth, he never had.