Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: I truly hope you enjoy this part of the chapter, by all means … drop me a line. It would mean more than you know. Thanks.
Chapter 15 – All I Want is You – Part 2 of 2
So, it turns out I wasn't pregnant, which was something Derek and I were both okay with. I was more than okay with it being just the two of us for a while … a long while, and so was he. We talked about it, we didn't avoid, which was truly amazing. I had never had a conversation like that in my life … and I have to say, it was just another benefit to this whole relationship thing … being able to talk about things – my fears, my wishes, my hopes and dreams – had always been hard for me, never having had anyone to depend on before. And now, everything was changing, I had someone and it was incredible.
There were other benefits too – to not being pregnant – it also meant I could be on mega high doses of morphine … enough morphine that the events of the morning quickly became cloud covered – muted at best – impressions and mutations I was secretly thankful for at the moment.
I closed my eyes and let the medicine suffuse itself in my body, I let it find my appendix and mask my pain. I felt warm and numb as my heart eased into a more normal rhythm … I was finally alone for the first time in hours. Derek was in surgery, where he should be. He and Bailey volleyed for control over the timing of my surgery, both looking out for my best interests in their own ways. Derek of course wanted to be free and available to focus on my needs and Bailey of course just wanted to crack me open to fix me up. In the end they would both get their wishes in a couple of hours.
I opened my eyes and took stock of the bleak surroundings of my room. Not much here was aesthetically pleasing, despite the morphine and the enticement of daytime television. I pushed on the self-medicate button one more time for good measure. Even if nothing was dripping into my tube it made me feel better to have some control, some say in what was happening. I closed my eyes and let sleep come for me, even a twilight slumber would be welcome, although I had a feeling a much deeper sleep would invade me soon.
I let my mind drift to Derek … I was relieved that the pain in my stomach was appendicitis and not some kind of fanatical ulcer caused by my growing anxiety over Derek's request for me to move in with him. In due time, I knew I would be able to commit to that, to him. It's just all so new and special and wondrous – our relationship, that is – and deep down, I didn't think I was ready for it to be ordinary domestic bliss … yet. I just wanted the thrill of building a relationship with Derek, hell I wanted to relish in the here and now for a moment and just let myself come to terms that we're together and happy.
I truly wanted to take things slow this time, I wanted to build something with Derek – a future, a life – all I wanted was him. I wanted to chase the dream with him and that is supposed to take time, right?
***
And so I sank deeper into my drug-induced state of sleep and let my body press into the meager hospital bed. I pulled the thin, starchy sheet up to my chest and slipped my arms underneath it, for now that my fever was reduced, I was suddenly chilled to the bone. As I lay relaxed into the moment, my body became heavy, my bones saturated, my nerves frayed … my mind was somehow white and blank, yet black and full at the same time.
Within that deep white blackness of my subconscious, I heard the Chief's unmistakable voice, it was muffled at best, maybe he was just outside my room. I tried to pry my heavy eyelids open, but I was so damn tired, I just listened instead.
"She's resting comfortably now," he said.
"Honey? We're right here," came the pitch of a sing song voice I hadn't heard before.
"Oh. Oh. There you are, Susan," came a soft, ambiguous voice, a voice I could not place, but one I had heard before.
"You can tell him … I roared a little. Couldn't help it, it's the mother lion within … so… roar," she said with a chuckle.
"Oh. Oh, well, I knew you would. Uh...," the familiar voice trailed off, hesitant again.
"Oh well, Susan, you're um … entitled to, well actually you … so …,"the Chief's voice trailed off, his tone laced with uncertainty this time. "Are you aware of what's going on with Ellis?" came the Chief's more serious tone again.
"You have no right. No right to talk to me about Ellis," came the all of a sudden recognizable voice.
My heart rate spiked. A pit rolled in my stomach as I dared myself to open my eyes and face him, my father … and demand to know why he was here.
"I'm sorry. But I was trying to talk to you about Meredith," the Chief sighed. "Listen lets talk in my office," he continued. I heard their retreating footsteps and then all was quiet again.
I felt my muscles relax with the threat of that confrontation halted for now. I can only presume Richard called Thatcher, although for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Derek's here! Cristina's here! I don't need anyone else! I knew my mother wouldn't have wanted him to make that call. I could only presume it had something to do with the guilt he carried with him for the last twenty years.
I sighed, still unwilling to open my eyes. For some very odd reason, maybe it was the morphine, maybe it was just perspective, maybe I was just growing up … whatever the reason, I decided I had to let it go. For some time now, I had known I was just a byproduct of my parents … a bystander to their mistakes and that they should own those mistakes, not me.
There was nothing I could do to change my personal history or give back the childhood I had. I simply had to let go if I wanted to move on … and I so desperately wanted to … move on, move in … move on … move in.
I smiled inwardly and felt poised to take that leap … and then I did it …. I let it all go, all my childhood angst melted away into nothingness – morphine or not – it was gone and I could finally rest in peace.
It was true, drug-induced sleep was wondrous because the world was kind of muted and big things didn't seem to matter as much anymore. There was suddenly humor in everything and that weightless floating feeling I loved so much came back and filled me up … made me feel loopy, like I was on an E-Ride at Disneyland … up, down, turn around, up down, up and down, turn around and around and around and around.
The white dreamy feeling I embodied slowly mutated into a dull gray area … and then I knew uninterrupted sleep would come for me, so I settled back into the crude hospital bed, pressed on my self-medicate button and let the blackness of sleep swallow me up.
***
I was not sure if minutes or hours had passed, but my bones felt stiff and cold as I arrived at the outer perimeter of my subconscious. The stale, clinical air moved around me, in and out of the strategically-placed air vents all over my room. I opened my eyes slowly and found Cristina sitting on a nearby chair to the right of my bed. I shifted slightly and she looked up from her journal.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," I answered; my voice scratchy. I squinted allowing my eyes to adjust to the bright, harsh lighting.
"You have about an hour until you're up," she offered noncommittally.
"Who's going in with Bailey?" I asked; blinking hard, once, twice … something was off.
"George," she scoffed.
And there it was, she probably just wanted my surgery, the mind of a surgical intern was always on the game, just because it was my surgery would make in any different in her eyes, at least I didn't think it would.
"Hmm, how apropos," I said with a chuckle.
"How so?" she asked.
"Considering I was the only one who bet that he would pull off his first appendectomy with Burke –"
"A bet that you lost badly, so much for loyalty!" she said incredulously. I smiled, her eyes darted around mine though. Something was still up with her.
"Is Burke okay?" I asked.
"Better than okay, Shepherd cleared him for the OR," she said, a small tight smile gracing her porcelain veneer.
"Great, that's great," I said softly.
"Speaking of Shepherd," she said pointedly, laying her journal down in her lap.
On command, I felt a twinge of dull pain cover my abdomen again. I reached over and pressed on the self-medicate button ... my new friend in avoidance. I felt Cristina's eyes on me, probably making a mental note of my weakness.
"Yes," I said, locking my eyes on hers. I still hadn't told her about Derek asking me to move in with him and I wondered for a moment if maybe he had said something to her first, which would be bad, I think. Very bad.
"I was reviewing your chart before and I saw that he is your medical power of attorney," she said stiffly. "Derek's your person Meredith? Are you fucking kidding me?" she hissed.
My heart responded to her outburst immediately – thump, thump, thump – like charging wild horses raging against my chest. My mind however was working slower and was not prepared for this discussion. Her outrage was somehow muted by the morphine, which only propelled me to tell her the truth without thinking about the consequences or choosing my words carefully. And before I could stop myself, I heard my voice.
"Look, I had to get my mother off of that form, she's no use to me," I said, my eyes began to well up, my heart jumped. "And after what happened to Burke, I felt like I was out of time. I asked Derek – it wasn't an impulse, he's my choice – I'm doing this thing with him, Cristina," I said evenly. Her small dark eyes revealed no true emotion. "What if you didn't have anyone, for this specific purpose, wouldn't Burke be your logical choice?" I asked.
"I suppose so," she said evenly. "I just can't believe you asked him," she said with a small amount of judgment, her voice monotone, devoid of any emotion.
"What's so hard to believe Cristina? It was either him or you, I chose him," I said, perhaps a bit too strongly."I'm not trying to cause problems for you and me, it's just that Derek you know, he finally chose me and I trust him Cristina and I want him to know that," I huffed. "I needed him to know I trust and love him. He saw me through and you might not understand this, but I'm committed to him," I said, my stomach on fire again.
And can I just say again how happy I am that I'm on drugs right now? Because this was much worse, much worse than not having a chance to tell her about Derek's proposal, question … his question! This was much worse. Was she ever gonna blink again?
But she only stared at me still. Her mind obviously working over everything I had just said, but her face gave nothing away, she looked like she just had a round of Botox and she was trying to keep her face at rest. I sighed and lay back into the bed, I pressed my self-medicate button again, come on avoidance, come and get me! I looked into her eyes again, trying to read her, damn it, she was impossible, and stubborn.
I hated when she did this – sat across from me in a stalemate – because I could never read her. She would make an excellent poker player. I pressed my finger down hard on the self-medicate button, leaving it there – medicate, medicate, medicate – I pleaded to my make believe God! Make her empty eyes go away … I tried willing this moment to disappear, willing myself to pass out, willing something to happen.
And just when I thought I was gonna pass out or start begging Cristina to yell at me (because yelling would be better than just sitting and staring) … my something happened.
Derek came waltzing into my room like a breath of fresh air. His eyes calm and relaxed, instantly locked on mine, soothing me without a single word spoken.
"Hi," he said, gliding up to the foot of my bed. He pulled my chart out, before coming around to the left side of my bed. He looked up at Cristina. "Yang," he nodded.
"Shepherd," she said tightly.
He leaned over the small railing and kissed my temple. He smelled like antibacterial soap and aftershave. I released my hold on the self-medicate button and grasped his hand instead, secretly hoping his touch would soothe my angst.
"You okay?" he asked, scanning my eyes with his, no doubt making mental notes on his first impression of me.
"Yes," I said softly.
"Well let's see," he chuckled. "Your complexion is flushed. Abdominal wall is tender," he reached down and pressed lightly on my belly with his warm fingers. "Aren't you happy to have a boyfriend who works in the hospital?" he teased, reaching up to cover my bare shoulder with the nightgown thingy I was sporting.
"Yes," I said softly.
Derek lowered the bed railing and sat down. "Are you in any pain?" he whispered.
"No," I said as he inched closer, my eyes darted to Cristina but she was in another space and time, still staring.
"Good," he said, moving my hair away from my face, his eyes glistening against the fluorescent lights. "Because, I can't have that – you in pain – I can't tolerate it," he said seriously before pressing his lips to my forehead. "You look beautiful," he said, his hot breath fanned my neck, his voice raspy with stifled emotion, his warm hand resting on my forearm.
"Meredith, I'll see you afterwards," came Cristina's voice from outside our invisible sanctuary; she was almost at the door.
"Yeah, okay," I said. She turned to leave. "Hey Cristina?" I called after her. "I'm in this thing, okay, I'm committed and … um, I need Derek for a lot in my life, but you're still my person," I said, locking my eyes on hers. Derek squeezed my arm. I noticed she looked better, I think, not so catatonic.
"I know, I get it, I get it," she said softly and then slipped out.
"What was that about?" Derek asked.
"She saw that you are my person, my medical person, she was upset but I'm not convinced it was because she was offended," I said, Derek smiled slightly. He squeezed my arm again. "I don't know, something happened there, it was almost like she didn't think I had the balls to ask you – to choose you – she can't fully commit to Burke, so she can't get me, ugh … it doesn't matter," I chuckled.
"Hmm, she'll come around," Derek offered, lacing his fingers through mine, startled, he looked up. "Your hand is freezing, are you cold?" he asked, taking both my hands in his, trying to warm them.
"Yes, all I'm wearing is this flimsy thing," I said, raising my brow.
"I know, don't remind me," he teased as he stood. "Just the way your shoulder keeps popping out of the neck of that thing is driving me nuts," he said as he opened the small closet and grabbed a blanket. He opened the blanket and covered me with it. He sat down on the side of the bed again, his eyes twinkled.
"Better?" he asked.
"Much," I said.
"Not too much longer now," he said, peeking down at his watch. He leaned down and cupped my face in his hands. "What am I gonna do with you?" he asked, before ducking his head down to kiss me, gently on my cold lips, just enough for me to know he was there.
"Something that will have to wait until I've recovered, no doubt," I teased.
"Hmm, I can't wait," he said, kissing me once more before moving his lips down to my collarbone and then back up to my earlobe, then covering my lips with his once more.
"I know, I know and then, then we'll see about …," I said looking into his eyes, but before I could finish my thought, I heard another familiar voice.
"Dr. Shepherd, can you not give this woman an inch of space without having to smell her?" Bailey boomed, but her face betrayed her, she was amused. "Meredith, lets get you prepped and ready, that is if Dr. Shepherd here is done with his examination of your tonsils!" she snickered.
"What, seriously?" Derek chuckled as he turned to her.
"Don't look at me like that! And get the dirty out of your eyes!" she teased as we all chuckled.
"You ready?" she asked me.
"As I'll ever be," I said, finding it hard not to smile.
***
A little more than an hour later, I lay on the table in the OR. Derek agreed to wait in the scrub room and insisted The Gallery be closed, a condition I was secretly thankful for.
I looked up into the darkened Gallery and realized just how different it was to be on the table and not looking down upon it. The room was sterile and cold – two facts surgeons love – but the patients, not so much. I took a deep breath of the cool air; it was hard and unforgiving like a callous. I pushed it down into my belly anyway and tried to hold it there.
In an interesting paradox, my vulnerability made me feel insignificant (small even) as I lay here, but at the same time, I also knew I was the most significant person in the room … I was the patient after all.
I had never had major surgery before and while an appendectomy was run-of-the-mill as surgery goes – there were risks, unforeseen circumstances, accidents, mistakes, and unexpected complications – all thoughts someone in my position, the person strapped to the table should not be thinking about. It's been proven that there was certain validity to the power of positive thinking. Maybe I should try it.
This was a simple surgery.
My appendix had not yet ruptured.
I will wake up and Derek will be there waiting for me.
George could do it.
Bailey would be with him.
I have a strong heart, no other complications will arise.
I will wake up and Derek will be there waiting for me.
This was a simple surgery.
As my brain touched on each of my thoughts for a fraction of a second, the ceiling above me became fuzzy around the edges. I blinked and those tears flooded out of my eyes and traveled down my face, to my neck and then back to the base of my skull. I couldn't wipe them away, my arms were already strapped down – the tears were cold and harsh – yet another reminder of my vulnerability. A nurse came over and placed a warm blanket across my legs and feet. The heat traveled up my body and for a split-second, I felt at peace. George was in here somewhere. I craned my neck over to the back and left to find him, but instead focused on Bailey and Derek. She was talking with him while scrubbing in.
They would put me under soon.
I would wake up and Derek would be waiting for me. All I wanted was that moment. It was a moment in the future to fixate on … all I wanted was to open my eyes and see Derek again after this … all I wanted was Derek.
And then there was no doubt in my mind as I lay here – strapped down while watching the man I love, place an encouraging hand on my surgeon's shoulder – that I wanted to live with Derek immediately.
I continued to watch as my lover's words made Dr. Bailey's serious brown eyes soften for a flicker – just a moment – before she looked back to him and nodded. His eyes sparkled, not in the way they did for me of course, but they did, they sparkled with confidence and encouragement or something. So yes, there was no doubt in my mind … I wanted to live with Derek. I watched as Dr. Bailey pressed on the automatic door sensor with her elbow and entered the OR leaving my lover behind.
They would put me under soon.
My mind was unexpectedly flooded with an urgent range of thoughts … fear crippled me and I wanted to jump off this table and into Derek's arms. What if I never got a chance to tell Derek I wanted to live with him, to make it with him, what if this was the end of the second chance?
Accidents happen.
Was my number up?
Mistakes are made.
Was the dream over?
The anesthesiologist peered down to me. Normally I would say he had kind eyes, normally I would say he looked confident, normally I would remember his fucking name, but at the moment, all I wanted to do was escape from him!
"Dr. Grey," he placed his warm hand on my shoulder. "When Dr. Bailey gives me the go-ahead, I'm going to ask you to count backwards for me from ten, okay?" he asked softly, his grey, cloudless eyes scanned mine.
But my mind was blank, I couldn't reply!
Nope, no way mister!
Doctor whatever-your-name-is!
Not going to happen!
I need Derek first!
"Dr. Bailey!" I heard myself screech into the quiet room.
"Dr. Grey, Meredith, what is it?" she asked, at my side in a flash.
"I need to tell Derek something …," I looked into her calm eyes. "I need to, before I start counting backwards, I need to tell him something!" I said, desperately searching her eyes, wanting to sit up and reach for her.
I craned my neck backwards and saw Derek furiously scrubbing in – he locked his gaze on mine and I was lost – lost in the sea of bliss he offered to me with just one look. It would be okay, I would be able to say it, make it right, just in case God-forbid this should be the end of it for me, I needed him to know … I needed him to know.
"Meredith, can it wait?" Dr. Bailey asked softly, her gaze following mine.
"No, it can't, and I know this is unorthodox – I know you had your game face on and everything – I get it, but I need him now, no it can't wait," I said desperately. I felt her warm hand on my shoulder.
"You need a moment, I get it, we all need those, here he comes," she said true to form and stepped away.
"Meredith, Meredith, okay," Derek said as he leaned down, placing his hands on my shoulders. "I'm here," he said, his eyes bright and shiny, his hot breath warmed me up.
"I want to move forward before I count backwards Derek!" I said desperately now, still unable to move my eyes from his.
"What … okay," he said with a small smile.
"Before they do this, before I count backwards – I want to move forward – I want to let go of the past, my history, my everything … I just want you," I said as he became fuzzy. I blinked.
"I want you too Meredith, you know that," he said, trying to soothe me more with his eyes than his words. He reached over and flicked my small tears away.
"I know but I want to move in with you," I said quickly. "My answer is yes! Yes, and it's not because of this surgery or fear – it's not an impulse – it's because I want it, we're strong together," I said, my heart began to simmer down. "I want to move in with you – actually I want you to move in with me – so will you … move in with me Derek, please," I pleaded softly, finally repeating the words that had been filling my mind up since he uttered them to me last night.
"Yes, yes," he said softly and a flash of something so beautiful flickered across his eyes, it almost took my breath away.
"Thank God," was all I could say before Derek leaned down and kissed my lips, just a flutter, just enough.
"I love you," he whispered into my ear, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up.
And as he pulled away, I could tell everything was going to be okay, that our life together was about to begin. I blinked and his beautiful blue eyes told me so … they were full of promise and our future and … new beginnings.
The dream of our second chance was within our reach now … it was there for the taking, I had to learn to trust that it was ours … that it was ours to chase … that it was ours to live and now … now … it seemed all I had to do was close my eyes and start counting backwards from ten.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six …
Chapter 16 to follow.