Fear

This chapter takes place at the end of Season 17 Episode 9

Carisi puts his hand on the glass as the blinds snap shut.

"Hey," Olivia puts a hand on his back softly. He doesn't notice it.

He can't believe this is happening. Amanda could die – her baby could die – and he's shut out. Her face in those last few moments keeps flashing before his eyes – her crying in panic as she looks down at the sheets and knows something's terribly wrong. He's never seen her so scared and it frightens him.

He begins to panic himself. He wants Amanda to be alright – he needs her to be alright. His breathing gets dangerously shallow and he hunches over, starting to get lightheaded. And now there is a tightening in his chest. He grasps at it with both hands.

"Hey, Carisi," Olivia says softly. Her hand is still on his back, rubbing it now, trying to get his attention. "You don't look so good."

He nods in response, finally remembering that she is there with him too. But he can't speak a word because he can't catch his breath.

Olivia leads him over to the nearest chair and he sits down, his elbows on his knees. He smushes his palms into his eyes, trying to hold back the tears but failing. Eventually, his breathing slows down, the tears dry up, and he finds himself just staring at the floor, trying to hold himself together. But he's not able to – once the tears dry up he begins to tremble. He can't lose her – he just can't. He is starting to realize how much he really cares – just how deep this goes.

"Oh, Sonny," Olivia says sympathetically, sitting next to him in another chair. "I didn't know Amanda meant that much to you."

Even though he can't stop his shaking, at least he has caught his breath by now and can answer her. He doesn't want to let on just how much he actually cares about Amanda – he wants to keep his feelings private from his boss. So he looks up and meets her in the eye, giving what he believes to be a reasonable explanation for his panic. "Yeah, well, she's a good detective, you know. The squad can't afford to lose her. And if she loses the baby . . . she won't be in any shape to come back for a while. It would devastate her."

He takes in a sharp breath as his eyes begin to water again – he just can't help it. He turns away.

But before he does he catches a glimpse of Olivia giving him a knowing look – an understanding look. Damn. He can't hide his feelings. He sighs and leans back in his chair. He never really could.

"Carisi, come with me. I want to take you somewhere," Olivia says to him gently as she rises from her chair.

He gets up and follows her.

She leads him down one corridor after the other. Too far away from Amanda. He begins breathing fast again, panic settling in. "We've gotta go back. We need to be there for her."

"No, Carisi," Olivia says firmly. "She'll be in there for quite a while – childbirth isn't exactly quick. Besides, they won't let us in until she's okay – until she's made it. There's nothing we can do but wait."

"But what if she d – "

Olivia cuts him off. "She won't. She's strong. You've gotta have faith in that, Sonny."

She smiles at him kindly and points at the sign over the door they have stopped in front of.

The Chapel.

He gulps as he looks in and sees the pews and the golden cross hanging in the front of the room. Olivia had known exactly what he needed. "You're right, Liv. I think I need to pray right now. For Amanda."

"Yeah," she says quietly. "You do that."

He gives her a small smile of gratitude and enters the chapel to ask God to spare the life of the woman he now knows that he loves beyond a shadow of a doubt, even if his feelings for her will never be returned. . .