mario mario: the sixth son of satan and the devil's spaghetti

chapter 35: a huge amount of things happen.. mario and luigi and zarya's home life, bowser and wario preparing for the greatest war ever created by mankind or giant turtles... honestly do we even need chapter titles? you're gonna be reading about everything happening anyway without needing all this extra text shoved down your throat urethra

so mario and luigi and zarya were getting used to their comfortable home life. and by comfortable i mean it was comfortable for luigi and zarya. it wasn't that comfy for mario because mario had to sleep on the couch because zarya kept wanting to fuck inside his room, and when mario wanted to sleep in luigi's room the smell of ectoplasm was so strong that it made him want to shoot explosive projectile vomit everywhere. so mario decided to sleep on the couch. every now and then he'd go into his room to get a change of clothes (he had many different outfits but they all looked exactly the same because he was a firm belioever in brand recognition. if it works for coca cola, it can work for mario mario.) so anyway mario was sitting on the couch in his underwear eating tacos and watching the news and then he sneezed and his hands slip anmd the bowl of tacos fell onto his stomach and there were tacos everywehre and he groaned and tried to get up but he was lazy so he just fell off the couch into a pile of tacos and he started moving around and making taco angels by swinging his arms and legs around and then zarya walked down the stairs while yawning and having luigi slung over her shoulder and she looked down and saw mario lying on the ground rubbing himself on tacos and then he started singing 'it's just another manic monday' and luigi said "what's going on? all i can see is your glorious naked butt" and zarya said "your brother is having an episode" and mario sang "I WISH IT WERE SUNDAAAAAAY" and luigi said "so what's he doing? i want the deets" and zarya said "are you sure that you cannot walk, little man?" and luigi said "yes i'm pretty sure my legs are broken at this point" and zarya said "but you enjoyed the breaking of them, yes?" and luigi said "yes i suppose" and zarya said "then it is all good, little man! i shall continue using you as a pleasure sack" and luigi said "t-that's my fetish" and mario was singing "CAUSE THAT'S MY FUN DAAAAAYYYYYYY" and then he accidentally flopped over and a taco rolled int ohis mouth and he started choking and then he got up and looked at himself and he said "what am i doing with my life" adn zarya walked up to mario and carefully dropped luigi onto the couch while not stepping in the taco puddle and luigi said "bro i think you might need mental help" and mario said "maybe you need to stop literally destroying my wall with your violent butchochism" and luigi said "look i get that you're jealous of the fact that i have a strong butch wife who can brutally have sex with me, but that doesn't mean you can just start blathering on and insultiong our relationship by implying that our behavior ir responsible for YOUR mental haelth. that's like saying that pollution causes global warming, or that hicks got donald trump elected."

so zarya called the mushroom kingdom institute of mental health which was underdeveloped due to low funding and she said "hello mind men. the brother of my husband has the affliction of the brain, i am needing assistance. do you provide?" and zarya covered her mouth and whispered to luigi "if you pretend to have poor english, they will give oyu the services for cheaper than average price, because nobody like to argue with illiterate russian woman who can turn you into two pieces of man" and luigi said "well i guess that makes sense. i'm not sure if my brother really needs help fromt he mushroom kingdom institute of mental health. i've heard nightmare stories about that placE" and zarya shrugged and said "anything is better than watching him roll around in tacos. i just want to be making sex with my darling luigi." and luigi said "fair enough but i don't know how many mroe times my pelvic bone can take your russian revolution"

then the doorbell rang and mario screamed and luigi said "mario get the door" and mario went up to the door and opened it and it was that edgy haired guy from yu gi oh and the yu gi oh guy said "cease and desist existing, you cur!" and mario said "who are you" and the yu gi oh guy said "i challenge you, sir mario, to a DUEL!" and mario said "uh sure let me get my gloves" and the yu gi oh guy said "no! this will be a card battle... a yu gi oh card battle!" and mario said "ok but i'm not a nerd. i'm a plumber. i don't have any cards" and then the yu gi oh guy said "look i'll give you half of my deck. but then we commence BATTLE" and then he shuffled hsi deck and gave half of it to mario and mario threw the cards in his face and the yu gi oh guy screamed "WHAT AREE YOU DOING" and then a bunch of monsters started popping out of the cards and attacking the yu gi oh guy started screaming and all the monsters were attacking him and then one of them which was like a bigger incredible hulk ate him and then mario said "man that was bizarre. i sure am glad that i don't give a fuck about cards. imagien if i was stupid enough to spend my entire life throwing cards at people and calling it a duel." and then mario went back into the house and he said "hey luigi there was some edgy haired dude who showed up and he wanted to play cards so i threwh is cards at him and monsters came out and ate him. it was pretty fucking wild. like really out there i've never seen anything like that before in my life. it's like if magic was real and magic was being used to make anime monsters show up out of little cards." and zarya said "if little man think monster come out of card, little man more crazy than we ever suspected" and mario said "oh come on is monsters coming out of cards really that crazy? i was literally turned into a chicken by luigi's mind. i had to raise miniature versions of myself. it was bizarre" and luigi said "look, just because one unpredictable thing happend does that really make you think that more unpredictable things will happen? if there's a 1% chance of you getting a mountain of gold iny our life you should be content with that mountain of gold, not assume that you'll get more mountains of gold." and then all of a sudden kool aid man busted through the wall and ran through the room and then jumped onto the couch and started urinating while spinning around and he hit mario in the fact with his delectable kool aid pee which contained lots of aspartame, and then he screamed "OHHHH YEEEAAHHHHH" and then he ran through the wall and he bust through the wall and ran into the distance, and then he turned back and peeked through the wall and he said "unpredictability is a concept created by the government to silence the people into believing that they live normal lives. i'm a fucking walking bottle of liquid aspartame! if that's not fucking crazy ass magic i dunno what is!" and then he ran off into the distance

and mario said "SEE? unpredictable things happen to us all the time. can you seriously not say that monsters coming out of cards is entirely predictable at this point? like if the least possible thing is the normal thing for us, then of course normalcy is irregular. everything makes perfect sense" and for a few minutes luigi and zarya considered this and then finally luigi said "look. we all know about kool aid man and his wacky antics. that doesn't make you not crazy. you wouldn't be crazy if you didn't think you were perfectly sane, see?" and troy mcclure popped up from behind mario and put his hand on him, then immediately made an 'ew' noise and wiped it on his thigh because mario had taco essence all over him, and then he said "i'm troy mcclure! you might remember me from such infomentories as: you're crazy. or you're completely fucked up. or maybe even you're fucking insane!: a story of a man who was fucking insane and tried to make every excuse possible to convince himself that he wasn't. i'm here to tell you that it's okay to be crazy. being too mentally dysfunctional to recognize the world as it actually is is in fact a boon to you as a person. for a while i thought i was crazy, too! then i realized i was just extremely intelligent, and saw the things that nobody else saw. i'm not crazy. i just think and believe things that other people don't think and believe. the doctors call this schizophrenia. i call this happiness. so enjoy your own insanity, my friend, which is similar but entirely distinct to my condition. both of us see things that regular people don't, but in my case it's because i'm highly intelligent and haven't been brainwashed by the enemies of the state, whereas in yoru case you're jut fucking insane, broken as a person from a lifetime of trauma. think aobut all the things that traumatize you, herr mario. think aobut how they affect you" and mario said "okay can we just get me to the psych ward already?" and then two identical extremely muscular bodybuilders walked into the room and one of them said "okay where is the insane guy" and zarya said "these two actually. are all mental health professionals so buff?" and one of the bodybuilders said "only the ones in charge of beating crazy people into submission"

so then mario got taken to a state of the art mental health facility. and by state of the art they meant that there was a portrait on a wall that they picked up for 1$ at an auction. in truth, the mushroom kingdom governemnt had recently decided that mental health was no longer important, so they had downgraded their mental health care to the lowest possible budget: free. the mushroom kingdom was suffering a corporate takeover at the hands of the wario corporate empire, which bought up most of the stocks of most major companies and then influenced their policies so as to crash the corporations and thus the mushroom kingdom economy. in the midst of the economic depression, the government started selling out stocks for parliament, and now the mushroom kingdom parliament had been bought up by the wario corporation as well, and wario needed to weaken mushroom kingdom society so he influenced the parliament board meeting using his shares to determine that mental health wasn't real.

"why in the fuck did we decide to establish a parliament" said peach to oldsworth, the senile advisor toad who was capable only of giving the most awful advice possible and being ignroed by everyone in his life and mocked. "well," toadsworth said, "i decided, immediately before rule was going to be inherited by you, that it would be too dangerous to let rule fall to idiot younguns like you, so i established parliament so that you would have restricted access to control over the mushroom kingdom" and then princess peach said "well goooood job, toadsworth. because of your absurd paranoia the mushroom kingdom is now facing a corporate takeover and there's barely anything i can do about it because of your idiot parliament!" and toadsowrth said "don't you get cross with me! i was managing this governemnt while you were still covering the walls in projectile diarrhea! whippersnappers!" and princess peach said "as what may be the last act in my princesshood, i am hereby retiring you from service. you are now my butler." and toadsworth said "what is this buffoonery!" and princess peach said "you are no longer my advisor. also, i am no longer a princess. as the sole matriarchal figure of the mushroom kingdom there is no good reason that i'm not queen. i am now queen peach!" and toadsworth said "this is preposterouis! you can't be a queen until you get married" and queen peach said "too late for that motherfucker" and then she picked him up and threw him out of the window of her queenly tower and toadsworth landed on the street underneath and he said "ow. BE WARNED WHIPPERSNAPPER! I WILL SURVIVE AND THEN I WILL MARCH UP ONTO YOU AND I WILL SERVE YOU YOUR TEA COLD FOR THE NEXT YEAR!" and queen peach shouted down "sorry buddy! the revolution begins now!"

so mario was treated really fucking badly and beaten up a bunch and he was definitely not feeling un insane. he was feeling very insane. being beaten on a daily basis has a tendency to do that to you. then after a few days luigi and zarya decided to visit him so they walked into a giant robodome labeled "the mushroom kingdom department of mental health" and when they walked in there were robots everywhere and mario was tied to a chair and a robot was next to him bonking him on the forehead and zarya said "why the fuck are tere robots everywhere" and then luigi said "this is ridiculous" and then mario screamed "LUIGI HELP THEY DON'T EVEN FEED ME HERE" and lugii fed him a taco and mario said "thank you now please get me out of here" and then professor e gadd, manager of the mental health station walked up to them and said "excuse me, big woman husband and little man wife, but you are not allowed to interact with our prisoners." and luigi said "heyy! crazy dude! why the fuck are you treating my bro like this? i'm pretty sure this isn't ethical" and professor e gadd said "unfortunately, now that the wario corporation owns all the shares of the mushroom kingdom governmetn, mental health has been judged as a non subject! and so muishroom kingdom's mental health budget has been slashed to zero! i offered to take up mental health treatment for free, and so i, the great professor E GADD, the ultimate and most powerful inventor, have decided to singlehandedly destroy mental health!" and luigi said "how is mario getting bonked on the head constantly going to heal him?" and professor e gadd laughed and said "no that's silly! why would i be treating him? i need to destroy his mental health so that he will no longer be a threat to society" and luigi said "zarya darling, i think we need to to act with violence to save my brother" and zarya said "men. first they need to go to psych wards, then they need to be broken out of psych wards... i will help." but then all of a sudden bombs started raising from above and the robodome got bombed and alarms started sounding and cages opened everywhere and roboconvicts kept going loose and as they left they kept peeing on everything

then professor e gadd checked his cellphone and he siad "oh! the mushroom kingdom is at war! well, i'm abandoning this facility and discharging your patient. but you're going to need an.. uh... assistant to keep his mental health in check. this is professional nurse assistant robot... number whatever. just take him. he keeps stealing from me" and then bender the bending robot who was kind of an asshole came out of a door in the robodome as bombs were falling and convicts were running everywhere and luigi said "okay can we go now?" and professor e gadd said "well i dunno i guess if you really want to you can leave. OF COURSE YOU CAN FUCKING GO" and then he pressed a button on his teleporter and he teleported out of the dimension and travelled to his own comfortable pocket dimension that he had created to house his lab, where nobody else could attack it. so luigi and zarya and mario all ran out of the mental health robodome (except mario was being carried by zarya) and towards their house and bombs were falling everywhere and bender was following them and screaming "hey uhh i'm a great fucking mental health assistant! i'm awesome! i've been incarcerated so many times that i'm a professional mental healther! take me with you!" and luigi and mario and zarya ran through the streets as the bombs kep hitting everything and mario looked to the side and saw an ice cream shop and he said "hey let's stop for ice cream" but jsut as he looked at it the ice cream store exploded and ice cream rained everywhere and mario screamed "nooo! all of that frozen delicious! it's tragic! such a waste of goodness" and zarya screamed "stop being little bitch and shut up!" because mario kept pounding zarya's back trying to get her to stop so that he could get food at various dining establishments that kept blowing up immediately after mario noticed them.

meanwhile wario was sitting in the office of his wario family tower, in a room plated with pure gold, on a seat made of gold, while sitting in front of a laptop which was made of pure gold, on which he viewed a live stream of the destruction of the mushroom kingdom. wario had destabilized the kingdom and the economy and demoralized its people, and now his corporate funded bomber planes kept bombing its dining establishment to starve its residents. bowser rang up luigi and bowser said "my bro wario what are you doing i thought we were gonna invade together" and wario said "oh we still can. i just figured i'd soften them up a little bit before we took a crack at them! wahahahahahha!" and bowser said "but what if the princess gets hurt in all the bombing?" and then wario said "oh so this isn't about me hitting first. this isn't about you wanting conquest. this is about your ridiculous little crush on the princess! wahahahahahaha, i should have known! unfortunately for you, bombing doesn't discriminate. but i'm sure the princess will find some way to keep herself alive in the meantime" and bowser said "but we need to invade with ground soldiers so that we can safely retrieve the princess!" and wario said "but bombing will reduce casualties by about 300%. which in turns mean i don't have to hire as many mercenaries, and i won't need to hire as many streeet sweepers once the invasion is over. and with bombs, i won't even need to demolish all the buildings to create my great, wariocorp technocratic dystopia!" and then wario hung up and started playing minesweeper because the bombing was becoming a bit tedious to watch

meanwhile, in the mushroom castle tower, queen peach watched as her kingdom was bombed into destruction, and she shook her fist and vowed revenge at wario... and no doubt bowser, because whenever something bad happened in the mushroom kingdom, it was usually bowser, and also she saw an army of goombas and koopas arriving. she tore her dress and got into her tennis uniform because that was the only action-appropriate outfit that she had on hand, and then she pressed a button which caused the mushroom castle to switch into the ground and become a great nuclear shelter and alarms started sounding instructing all of the toads and other mushroom kingdom residents to descend into the shelter and among htat crowd were the three sherlocks and three watsons and the great sherlock was watching everything unfold. this reality was extremely outside of the realm of probability and he was incredibly interested by everything that happened. somehow, new variables had been inserted into the plane of reality. sherlock had been terrified of instability, but in his new form, free from being tied to the fabric of causality, sherlock found the unpredictability almost exciting. he had no desire to stop this tittilating chain of events before it could even begin. the bombing of the mushroom kingdom would be the greatest mystery of all, and cause a chain of events which would excite even his sterile mind. but for now, he would blend in. he would experience these events in the shoes of a victim. the time had come for the mushroom kingdom...

to go to war.