Miss insensitive writer is back with last but not least Byakuya's POV. I kept writing and writing until it turned out to be a chapter of more than 6000... so i decided to split it. One part now, and the second tomorrow. Oooor... i don't know, since all of you want to know what happened with Ichigo and Rukia i guess i could skip to Karakura and leave the second part for later (even though it would be nicer for the continuity of the story to add next the second part of this chapter. Let's say it's up to you So vote! Express you preference.
.
-saiya-jinPan140, hey welcome back! :)
-tituslepetitlion, salut! contente de savoir ca te plait encore. pas de soucis si tu ecrit en francais , je peux toujours comprendre. Et oui, je pense que Haruna n'a pas eu de la chance, haha... le publique ne l'aime pas, Byakuya ne l'aime pas. Je me demande sur ce que peux faire pour le rendre un peu heureuse, haha
-ra7matigorti2, thank you... well, who killed his parent's is one of those 1 mil dollars question. But of course you'll find out sooner or later if you keep on following the story.
-kids999, hey, thanks! :)
-Sessrin, " she thinks that she's helping but the truth is, she's making it worst.", actually this was the idea when i first introduce her.
-Rndd, Salut! :) merci pour ton commentaire... alors, moi aussi je pense que Renji va suremenet passer a une autre chose.
-Lizzy, thanks :)
-star1333, haha...maybe your wishes regarding will be heard, but unfortunately not in this chapter...
-AmbiguousPsyche, well if there is something that made me glad was that i made you see Byakuya in a different light... even though not enough to make you change to byaruki pairing, haha. Renji i'm sure that will come around. I think that among all characters he's the less hurt one.
.
Byakuya
or
The hopeless heart
.
With a merciless look, while wearing her untied sleeping yukata, Haruna took out her Nenomori and approached Byakuya who was sleeping naked, under the sheets of her bed. She slightly cocked an eyebrow on that a hateful expression of her face… and then she stubbed Byakuya with all her strength.
Byakuya startled in his sleep as if a terrible nightmare came across him, but Haruna didn't draw a gesture. With the same cold eyes she headed to the inside halls, leaving the blade implanted in his back.
But toward who all this hate and cruelty?
.
.
I must have fallen asleep.
I opened my eyes and Haruna was gone from my side. The bed was empty…
The bed…her bed.
What have I done?
I must have broken her heart by acting so selfish. I was only seeking for consolation… I was only trying to forget Rukia. Why does it always end up this way between me and Haruna? … Everytime I'm broken hearted I look for her. Why am I pretending to not know her true feelings? This is not the first time. It happened before… but back then I was younger. Being a fool was my excuse. Now I was supposed to have grown wiser… and yet I'm the same fool who mocked her heart 60 years ago…
But wasn't I in love with her back then? Wasn't she the one who filled my existence with color and joy? What happened with us, Haruna? What happened with me?
Everyone things I'm perfect and cold as a marble statue. But this is only what I made them believe. I always knew what my weakness was and keep it away from them. Some people drink, others have a poor health or poor mind… but for a man such I was born to be, there was no weakness that could be worse:
My heart.
My heart… so weak and naive, falling for whoever would show it a little warmth. For a Kuchiki, such a thing was inadmissible. That's why, when I was young, I considered that Nene-cha along with my parents will be the only people to know my heart, exactly as if was. For me, their love was enough to make me… happy and safe. But my parents died… and Nene-cha, I slowly lost it after their death.
Without them around I started to believe that I should better bury my heart. I tried to replace it with pride, with uprightness and all the other virtues that a Kuchiki leader required. I learned to be what I was born to be…
But then Hisana appeared. She was different from anything I have ever known. Her gentleness and fragility made me stop and look at her. I've known her since I was a teenager and I liked her from the first moment, but back then I was still infatuated with Nene-cha. As a teenager, when Nene-cha entered the room everything else around faded, because her lust for life made me also feel alive. But the moment I met Hisana again I was already an adult, while Nene-cha was only a ghost of the person I used to love. Moreover, Nene-cha deliberately cheated on me. There was no way I could look at her again. Maybe I should have never spoken to her again, if Hisana wouldn't have insisted… if she wouldn't have called me. "No matter what she has done, you can't let her die, Byakuya-sama!" she told me. Hisana had always been such a kind person.
Yes, her kindness was among the things I loved about her. Her ability of healing my wounds. She had an extraordinary patience with my coldness and never pushed me to open myself in front of her. She waited for me bloom, just like every spring, I waited for the sakura tree to blossom. She freely offered me her friendship and asked nothing in return and for that I trusted her. Somehow around her I felt like I was no longer the next leader of the Kuchiki clan… but only Byakuya… "Byakuya-sama" as she used to call me. Kindness and the feeling of normality, that is what I Hisana offered me… and love is what I offered her, in return. I loved her enough to marry her despite her status and illness… But before I could understand what a married life truly meant, my Hisana died.
With her death, I made no secret that my heart also died. It was something I was certain of… but then again, I proved myself wrong: Rukia. I hated her so much on the beginning to madly fall in love with her in the end.
I'm the worst! For a long time now, I kept thinking of how i should have never had a heart! It's because I know how hopeless I am in front of it…and how shameful it makes me look in front of the others:
I married my fiancé's best friend… and after my wife's death I fell for her sister. I wonder how can I continue living with all this? There is no honor left me… there is no pride in my love…
Now that I finally admit these things to myself I'm not even angry of Rukia for cheating on me.
Rukia had always been in love with Kurosaki. She had always protected him with her life… As for me, she never thought of me as nothing more than a brother. I'm shameful! In the end, I couldn't be a brother to her, even though I promised Hisana that I will. For the first time in my life I'm glad that Hisana is dead. This way she can't see what I turned out to be… A hopeless prisoner of my shameful heart who'd fall for any woman who'd bring a smile upon my sad face…
Rukia… what have I done? … No matter what I do , I just can't take you out of my mind. What have I done? I was so angry to see you in his arms that I thrown myself in Haruna's arms! I wonder to whom should I ask for forgiveness first… or if I deserve to receive forgiveness…
Things like this happen every day, but I'm tired of hurting people and being hurt. Rukia, I thought that we could keep each other's hearts safe and warm. When you were around, the days were filled with the warmth of the summer. It was never cloudy or cold. When I was looking at you I could see everything that died in me… the kindness… the hope… the strength of carrying on… the love… Being around you, made me a better man. I thought that you could save me from my misery, but you had others to save, right?
Normally, I would have never come between you and Kurosaki… but he is a human! And he broke your heart by marrying someone else… I wonder how much you care about him, if don't care that he is married… I wonder if he'll ever give up anything so he could be with you. I hope he doesn't! Because you don't understand… he is a human. You will never be allowed to have a family with him! You will never be able to carry his child… and even you'd be stubborn enough to try, that child will kill you. More than anything I wish you happiness… but Kurosaki Ichigo will never bring you happiness.
I was so pleased when you told me that Kurosaki is getting married. I was so glad when you said that you'll stay by my side… You can't even imagine how happy you made when you said that you wanted to marry me… For a second, in my naïve dreams, I thought that your love for me began to bloom in your heart. I was ready to wait as long as you needed… as long as it took for that love to blossom… so that you could finally come in my arms.
But in the end you still prefer Kurosaki… and I can't blame you… being the man who I am, I can understand your choice…
So Haruna, hurry up and make me forget my heart… Take Nenomori and cut me down and all the memories I have with her!
"Nene-cha?..." I slowly whispered.
I try to raise my head but it was hurting me so much. It's been years since I haven't got that kind of headache. I felt as If I was hangover…
"Nene-cha ?" I called her again.
And then when i straighten up, I noticed I was stabbed by Nenomori. Its blade was implanted on my back and starting from the handle the blade was disintegrating in hundreds of phosphorescent butterflies. The strange creatures were flying up to the ceiling and the moment they were reaching it they were turning into stardust that was falling back over me…I remember that I've seen this before. Haruna's shikai… Every butterfly that turns into stardust is a second of the victim's memories that will soon lose forever. In this case mine…
So in the end she listened to my prayer: soon I will forget about Rukia…
I let my naked body to fell heavy on the bed . Haruna has always been so considerate… never refused a wish I had. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more considerate toward her… but I can't think about this now. I'm suddenly too tired. My body is exhausted and relaxed at the same time. I can't really explain why… the feeling is familiar because it's the feeling I get after making love… I haven't made love in a while…
But I will think about that later…Now I'm focused on the memories I'm about to lose. I will soon forget my shameful heart. Being in love with Rukia and being cheated by her will be soon history .
So strange… I'm waiting for a while now but Rukia's image appears in front of my eyes clearer than ever. Haruna… I thought Nenomori was working faster. It seems that i'm waiting an eternity for you to get Rukia out of my mind…
"Haruna…" I whispered.
And then I felt how someone was pulling the blade out of my back. I raised my head and saw Nene-cha. Her hair was ruffled and her yukata untied. She had a strange expression.
"Something is wrong" I stated looking at her and thinking that Rukia was still strongly present among my thought.
"Something worng?..." she replied with a slight sarcasm "Of course. You slept with me, remember?…".
I frowned. Did i? The taste of her skin on my lips seemed so far away in this moment.
"But don't worry… you will forget soon" she added.
Her voice was strange… and that made me think that she played this game on her rules, not mines.
"Haruna… tell me, what memories did you take away from me with Nenomori?"
She lowered her eyes and sat on the edge of the bed. She stood silent and thoughtful for a couple of seconds before she finally decided to confess:
"You will forget everything that happened tonight between us…"
My eyes widened. That was what I feared the most. Of course she she wouldn't have erased Rukia from my memories!
"Why would you do something like that?" I asked.
She smiled sadly and started to play with the plies of the sheet.
"You're still in love with me…" I stated then, finally understanding what she was hiding beyond her helping and joyful attitude.
She smiled again. It was another broken smile.
"Don't, Haruna…" I managed to say. This wasn't doing any good for any of us. If there would be someone to forget what happened tonight that should be… not her. I was finally understanding the wrong I did to her…and what a selfish person I could be, unable to notice all this before.
"You can't command to my heart "stop loving me" …" she said with a gentle voice. " As you can't say to the sun "no light" or to the rain "stop falling"…
It bothered me to admit… but the sun had stopped giving us light for decades.
"I know…" she said before I could speak my thoughts. "I already know, but I guess that is what they call true love… being able to stay by your side and helping you even if you belong to someone else…"
And those words hurt me more than anything that happened during that night here or in Karakura. It hurt me to see how composed she was after all this carnage. So strong and beautiful. She didn't shed a tear, she just got up from the bed heading to the porch. From the threshold though, she stopped and turned to me once again. She was biting her lips. I suddenly remembered her asking me kiss those lips… and I was so scared of touching them because I would have risked to fall in love with her, again. But in the end, I kissed them and I didn't fall for them… and I felt miserable because of that!. That flashback appeared for a second in front o my eyes… and while a phosphorescent butterfly turned into stardust above me, it disappeared forever.
And outside the rain was still falling loudly. I haven't seen in years such a... purple rain.
"Haruna..." i finally gathered the strenght to speak. " I never wanted to cause you any troubles... i never wanted to cause any pain... i just..."
"I hope that things will work out between you and Rukia…" she immediately interrupted me with a low voice. "If I find still her worthing, I will even help you to get her back… But if she won't bring at least a good excuse for what she had done, don't judge me for hating her, Toto…"
I took my head on my palms with a tired gesture. Haruna's words were so low and faraway that I could barely hear. I realized that I was still naked… but I didn't care about that anymore.
"Forgive me, Haruna… for what I did… tonight…" it was all that I managed to say.
"Get dressed Byakuya and go back to sleep… because tomorrow none of these things will bother you anymore…" she replied emotionless.
Unable to speak, I took my black kimono and put it on me… then I saw the last butterfly disappearing into the darkness of the room.
Suddenly… I asked myself how did I end up in Nene-cha's room? The last thing I remember was Rukia… and Ichigo… Oh! I need to sleep so I won't remember them anymore.
Rukia…
Rukia…
Rukia…
...