A/N: It's been years. Sorry guys. But rejoice.
I knew Chris wouldn't expect me to hang around the party, so that's what I did. I didn't want to talk. I was sick of talking, of feeling. I wanted to drift numbly into graduation. So I melted into the crowd, forcing my way past people to the kitchen for some shots. I never did shots, at least not lately. I needed to shut my brain off so I slammed whiskey down. It burned, my eyes welled. I could hear Teddy laughing, at some point he wandered in for a beer and stayed to watch me suffer. "You alright Lachance?"
I nodded and wiped my mouth. "Never better." I took that as my cue to exit the room. I wanted to find that girl from English, which wasn't hard. She found me.
"Where did you go? Someone said you were sitting in the closet?" Her big eyes wandered over me.
"Yeah, it just got to loud and hot in here for a while." I told her making a fanning motion.
"Well I thought you left." She pouted at me. I suddenly couldn't remember her name. The shots were slowly working their way into my system. Maybe I didn't actually sober up when Vern walked in on us. My head was swimming.
"You look like you could use another drink, let's get you one." I took her arm gently and ushered her back to the kitchen. Teddy had moved on. I grabbed us two beers. "Here." I pointed the neck of the bottle at her. She smiled shyly at me and accepted it. My stomach fluttered, I'd missed the feeling. I could feel whiskey coating my brain. If Chris could do this I could too.
"You know, I thought you were so cute for forever." She giggled, her eyes a little hazy.
"Oh? Really? I didn't think anyone thought that." I shrugged with a huge grin on my face, "You know you're really pretty right? Of course you do." I nudged her. She flushed deeply.
"Stop it." She turned away, obviously embarrassed.
"You are." My hand felt weird reaching out to touch her hair. This wasn't so bad. This was how it was supposed to be. She beamed at me, the alcohol affecting her too. "You're going to break hearts at college, you know?" I couldn't remember if she had told me she was going to college or not. I really didn't care. I wanted that smile to stay on her face forever. Paul patted my shoulder as he sauntered on through the kitchen, with two different girls, his stupid grin wider that before. English girl leaned on me, making me feel wanted. That felt so goddamn amazing.
"Gordie, why don't we go somewhere, quieter?" She tugged on my arm, her steps uneven. My vision was blurry, the whiskey had arrived. I nodded and allowed her to pull me, wherever she wanted. Which was outside, "I don't want you to overheat." She laughed. People were on the porch, murmuring low. English girl sipped at her beer, chattering about having a huge crush on me most of the year. I must have been obvious. I was distracted; my whole year could've been dedicated to this sweet girl. Could've.
I chugged my beer, and reached for an abandoned one on the banister. I wanted a cigarette. Too drunk to care about whoever's saliva was in the backwash of my drink. She lolled her head on my shoulder just gushing away, I realized I hadn't been listening, and I didn't want to. So I kissed her, softly. The way all girls want to be kissed after confessing their love, I assumed. Other people on the porch ignored us. She was suddenly handsy. I pulled away, "Maybe we should take this somewhere more private." She hummed in my ear. I lead her off the porch into the shadows of the yard.
I wasn't trying to hid, I just didn't want an audience, and it was weird not having to try to hide a kiss. It was so easy. She pressed herself into me; I openly explored her body with my hands, which weren't used to the soft pillowy curves of her body, her fingers wrapped in my shirt. I should have eaten dinner. There was nothing but alcohol in my stomach. I didn't care anymore. I was kissing her neck, my hands creeping up her shirt. She didn't stop me. I could hear people hooting from the porch at us.
"Get a room!" a girl shouted, "What animals." She trailed it with less volume. Obviously English girl wasn't too shy anymore. She laughed in my ear, lowly.
"What's going on?" I heard Vern's voice.
"Gordie Lachance and Kelly Wilt are over there making out." Another voice said with a bark of laughter following, "Late bloomers still managed to bloom." I thought if I pawed at Kelly's bra I wouldn't feel like I was about to be jumped. I would not feel anything but this. I wanted to shut out all outside noise but that wasn't going to happen.
"Gordie!" Chris said my name. He wasn't far away. I felt like I was about you be scolded. Mousy Kelly piped up.
"We're a little preoccupied." She huffed. I lifted my head to kiss her mouth, completely ignoring Chris' existence. If I didn't think about it he wasn't there. He wasn't there if I didn't look at him.
"Vern and I have spent the last hour looking for you." He sounded pissed.
"Well he's been with me." Kelly spat, "Now go away." No girl ever told Chris Chambers to go away. Kelly kissed me, I wanted to want it. I wanted to so badly. I could still feel Chris looming behind me. My hands were still under her shirt probing around.
"Gordie?" He couldn't disguise the hurt in his voice.
"When we're done, he'll come find you." Kelly shooed him away from us by waving her hand. I'm glad I couldn't see his face. I lead her away before anything else could happen. Back into the house and down the basement steps into that familiar bathroom. The rug by the sink was still damp but the room was vacant. Kelly was all over me. She pushed me into the edge of the sink.
I did have to admit, she was hitting all the right spots. My mouth was numb; my stomach had the familiar pull. I was on fire. She was opening my fly and I was tugging her shirt off. This is the story I would tell about losing my virginity. Always with Kelly Wilt in Paul's downstairs bathroom, it was needy and hormonal. It was quick. She smiled and pulled up her shorts afterwards and fixed her hair in the mirror, me standing behind her, I couldn't recognize myself.
"That was fun." She pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth and led me out of the bathroom and up the steps. She checked the clock, it was late. She needed to go home. "Well I guess I'll see you later, right? Or you'll call?" She tugged on the edge of my shirt. I nodded.
"Great!" She chirped, kissing me and fluttering away. The party was still in full swing, I didn't know why I felt so lonely. Was that a normal thing for girls to do? I didn't know what the fuck was normal so why did I care so much?
"Hear about you." Teddy buzzed in my ear. "Vern said Chris is pissed you ditched out for a skirt, but way to go Gordie, becoming a man." He grinned clapping me on the back. I suddenly felt disgusting. "Celebratory shot!" He screeched pushing me toward the kitchen. What the hell, I needed it.
"Another!" I called for once I slammed the first down, Teddy obliged. I was going to feel like a champion tonight. Fuck Chris Chambers. All the asshole did was break my heart. We were bad for each other anyway. The night got fuzzier the more I let shots sit in my stomach. I wandered outside without Teddy noticing. Vern was sitting on the now empty porch staring into the night.
"Hey Gordo." He said flatly.
"Vern, I'm sorry." I said, I leaned my head on him. I was too drunk for this.
"Chris explained while we were looking for you." He pursed his lips and sighed.
"I couldn't tell you."
"I know. I understand. I'm not mad, or anything." Vern cleared his throat and I pulled my head off his shoulder.
"How mad is Chris?"
"I think he left, he saw you and Kelly and he stalked off." Vern frowned.
"He's been doing this bullshit to me for the past year, Vern. I don't want to be sorry. He's fucked girls and boys, and me. All he does is piss with my emotions and I'm sick of it. He burned our friendship." I fumed.
"Chris cares about you."
"Chris cares about himself more, Vern. He's selfish. He breaks my heart." I could feel my chin wobbling.
"Gordie, I don't know what to tell you." Vern patted my shoulder. "Why don't I walk you home?"
"I don't want to walk that far." I stood up, my legs weren't steady.
"Gordie." Vern grabbed my arm to steady me. "Come on." He led me to the street and the opposite way from my house. His hand firmly on my upper arm, guiding me down the block, "Gordie, you're so goddamn drunk." I was swerving all over the sidewalk.
"Where are we going?" I glared at him.
"My house, you don't want to go home. Your mom will be pissed." Vern pulled me along.
"You're the best. I'm sorry we didn't spend more time together." My words were slurring more and more. Those last shots were a mistake. "I fucked Kelly, Vern."
"I know." He shushed me. "Stay quiet, okay? You're being really loud."
"Chris always takes care of drunk me, I'm sorry." I frowned.
"Gordie, keep walking and shut up. Okay? I want to go home and go to bed." Vern shushed me again. I listened and let him take me home. He threw down an extra pillow and blanket for me on his bedroom floor. He made me lay on my side. Vern didn't let me finish sentences, he kept telling me to be quiet. We'd talk later. It wasn't until I heard him snoring that I suddenly felt hollow inside.