I'm sorry, guys. I was going to update mid-morning, yesterday, but I woke up- sick as a dog. So I just sat in bed and watched like, ten episodes of Grey's Anatomy in one sitting. (I'm only halfway through season 2 no spoiling) But yeah, here's the chapter, sorry about the wait. Trigger warning- suicide and depression.
"Let me jump."
"Rocky-"
He lifts his tearstained face from my shoulder, eyes wild. "No. I said, let me jump! I want to drown!"
Fear and panic bubble up in my stomach, as flashbacks from that cold winter night overwhelm my mind. I swallow hard, shaking my head to clear it. "Rocky. No. I am not going to let you jump off anything, ever again."
"I'm stronger than you," Rocky defends weakly. "I could break out of your hold, and throw myself off, before you even had a chance to stop me, or call for help, or some shit like that."
"But are you?" I ask, not exactly trusting my mind at this point.
Rocky sighs. "No…I couldn't do that to you. But, please, let go of me."
"Why?" I ask, my voice rising to a dangerous level. "So you can throw yourself off this bridge, and drown? Just like you threw yourself off that roof, almost four years ago."
Rocky locks my gaze. "It hurts, Ratliff. I'm fucking tired of having to hold five people together. Myself, and the four of you. It's hard, it's agonizing, and I'm done."
"I know," I whisper. "I know that you're fucking finished with this world. But I'm saying- if not for yourself- do it for me. Stay here for me."
"You don't need me," Rocky says bitterly. "You have Rydel."
My eyes widen. "Are you jealous of our sister?"
He exhales a heavy sigh. "Fucked up, isn't it? But yes. Yes, Ratliff, I am jealous of our sister. I'm jealous of Rydel. There. I said it. Are you happy now?"
My mind whirls, as I try to comprehend this. "What the hell do you have to be jealous for?"
He turns away, and when he speaks again, his voice is weary. "Did you really think I didn't notice how close you two are now? You're always holding her, teasing her, something like that. And Riker has her too, and Austin's practically glued to his hip. I'm lonely, Ratliff. I need you."
I open my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head. "Why do you think we share a room? It's because I need you. I need to see you, to know you're there, because honestly, Ell, you're what's kept me alive for so long. You've been my reason to live for as long as I remember- because I knew how much you needed me. I know that I'm the oldest- the strongest- but I'm not made of steel. I've been trying to mask all this for so long, and it's worked- but I think I just broke. I didn't mean any of what I said in there- I was just so angry. With myself, not with you guys. And then you just…stopped. You stopped talking to me, stopped coming up and asking if I was okay, and honestly, I relied on those times." He shakes his head. "Don't…disregard all of that. I shouldn't have said anything. It's alright, go inside. Reassure Rydel that I'm not mad at her."
"No," I say firmly. "Are you angry that I've been spending a lot of time with Rydel, lately?"
"Angry isn't the word, Ratliff," he mutters. "I'm hurt. I need you. I rely on you. It's because of that- that I'm seriously contemplating suicide right now. All you guys value me for is a babysitter. That's all I am to you. The babysitter."
"Rocky! That's absolute bullshit, and you fucking know it! You fucking know how much we need you! We'd fall apart without you!"
He glances at me. "That's the only reason you need me. To keep yourselves together. I'm sorry, Ell. Sorry I'm not good enough for you to need in any other way."
"Rocky…"
"Don't," he whispers. "I need to be alone. Please leave."
"Do you promise you won't jump?"
"I'm not promising something I can't keep, Ell. Learned my lesson a long time ago."
"He's definitely suicidal."
Ratliff walks into Austin's hospital room- head hung low, and eyes trained on the ground. My eyes widen at his tone, as I shift Austin's body in my arms.
"How is he?" Ratliff asks wearily. "And where's Rydel?"
"She went to see if she could find Rocky, and I'm in pain- but it's nothing I can't handle," Austin mutters. "God, I wish I could go out there and talk to Rocky…what I'd give to be able to walk…"
"Ahaha, no," I reply. "It's a wheelchair for you, mister. And bed rest until the doctor gives the okay. You cracked your damn skull, I'm surprised you're not screaming in pain right now."
"Morphine can work wonders," Austin replies bitterly. "I can't feel anything. I'm numb, except for my goddamn ribs, which hurt every time I fucking take a breath."
"Well, you're in a great mood," Ratliff grumbles, slumping down into a chair.
"Yeah? Well, try being run over by a fucking car, and then we'll see what kind of mood you're in, afterward."
"Anyway," I say, diffusing the oncoming argument. "What did Rocky say?"
"We've been neglecting him," Ratliff mutters. "I've been neglecting him."
"What does that mean?" Austin asks.
"It means," Ratliff sighs. "That he feels that all he is to us is nothing more than a babysitter. The only reason we need him- is because we'd be falling apart without him around."
"Rocky?"
I sigh inwardly. "What is it, Rydel?" I mutter, not taking my gaze off the rushing water below me.
"Should I get Ratliff? Are you going to jump?"
"No," I reply. "I'm fine. Please, go. I don't want to blow up at you again."
"I'll take my chances," Rydel replies, leaning her arms on the railing. "The water's nice, isn't it? Calming."
"Appealing," I sigh. "Inviting."
"Rocky-"
"I'm fine," I repeat.
"You don't look fine."
"Yeah? Well Ratliff doesn't look like any of us, but he's still our brother."
Rydel sighs. "When did you become such an asshole?"
"I don't know. When you replaced me?"
Rydel stiffens. "When I did what?!"
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I just…I feel like you've taken Ratliff's attention away from me…and since he's the only reason I'm here right now- it hurts even more. It pushes me closer to the edge. I'm sorry, I know I'm being selfish- but I just…"
Rydel chuckles humorlessly. "So you know Ratliff's secret, too?"
"His secret?" I lift my head and look into her eyes. "What secret?"
She snorts. "Don't tell me you haven't figured it out by now. Ratliff emits positive energy wherever he goes. He's really cute and adorable- and our baby brother. He laughs a lot, cracks jokes, insults you, and you like it. You need it. You need his constant pestering to make you smile. It's the same way with me. That's why- when he annoys me nowadays, I relish it, instead of hating it."
"Yeah," I whisper. "That's exactly it. He just radiates happiness. I know he's depressed and also suicidal, but his meds keep him from lashing out- and they're also anti-depressants, so they work wonders on his mind. He's in a lot higher spirits than the rest of us- and I need the jokes, I need the teasing. It's what keeps me going. If I'm not laughing, I'm thinking."
"Thinking about suicide?" Rydel ventures.
"You hit the nail on the head," I murmur. "Yeah. When I let my thoughts wander, my mind is consumed with- I doubt you guys would miss me- or- I'm worth nothing."
"Because you're lonely," Rydel concludes. "Because I've taken Ratliff from you."
"You didn't take him from me, Ry," I sigh, opening my arms. She walks into my embrace, and I hold her head against my chest, exhaling a heavy breath. "It's my fault. I stopped talking to him- and he must've taken it as ignorance, because I didn't want to hear his jokes."
"I just feel like all I'm here for is babysitting you guys…"
Rydel tenses in my arms, pulling her head out of my neck, to look me in the eye. "Please tell me you did not just say what I think you said."
"Then I'd be lying to you, dear sister," I reply.
"Rocky…you're the reason none of us have killed ourselves yet. You're extremely important to us. You're our sun- the center of our universe. You make us happy, Rocky, you give us hope. And you've lost your way too- it's okay. It's okay for you to need us, sometimes. it doesn't make you weak- nor does it change our opinion of you. Family are supposed to be the only people that won't judge you, no matter what, and Rocky, we're your family. So you can fucking fall apart in front of us, and all we're gonna do, is pick you up, and put your back together. Because that's what families do."
Thoughts? What'd you think about what Rocky's feeling? I'd love to know- 185 reviews, and we'll see about a chapter mid-morning, tomorrow. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.
-Neha