DISCLAIMER: J.K. Rowling owns most of the characters and settings here—I own the rest.
Rodion Raskolnikov is the protagonist of the novel Crime and Punishment.
Quid, Me Anxius Sum translates to "What, Me Worry?" and is the catchphrase of Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine fame.
The Flying Saucer Pizza Company actually exists in Salem, MA.
The title of this chapter is taken from "This Life," the theme to "Sons of Anarchy."
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
Chapter 35 – A Perfect Line
Meanwhile, Corban Yaxley, under several glamours, dressed as a witch, debarked from the Salem Flyer and walked into the Cloudy Crystal.
He quickly surveyed the pub with the practiced eye of a former law enforcement professional. As it was just now dinner hour, the crowd was sparse. He recognized nobody, which suited him just fine. When the hostess came up, he asked for a table toward the back of the room with a chair facing the door, as he was waiting for several associates. He'd talked to several American witches and wizards and had been assured that while New York was a much larger city, most of the community passed through Salem, and the Crystal, at least once a week. A series of rapid Confundus charms, in addition to the glamours, further assured his anonymity.
He'd had a worst-case scenario escape plan in place ever since he'd formulated the idea of the Resurgence. During his tenure as head of the MLE, he'd amassed a surprising amount of information on various key Ministry employees, and stored it in a secure location. After his release from Azkaban, he'd quickly retrieved the information and sifted through it. Ten years and a regime change had made most of it obsolete, as he'd expected. However, he struck pay dirt in one of the last folders he perused, concerning a Department of Mysteries operative, who went by the rather ironic code name of Rodion. During Voldemort's reign, the operative had branched out into the Muggle underworld and offered his services to the Russian Mafia, who had eagerly accepted.
After he received parole, Yaxley tailed the operative from the Ministry using an Invisibility Cloak that he'd stored along with the files and a spare, untraceable (at least by the Ministry) wand. The operative had correctly assumed that his Ministry job allowed him anonymity among wizardkind, but in the Muggle world, he was a bit sloppy—he headed regularly to the East End establishment where the gangsters had their headquarters, and didn't even bother to disguise himself, which was a violation of the International Statute of Secrecy, for starters.
One Imperio and a threatened Avada later, Yaxley had an Unspeakable in his pocket, who, once the Resurgence trials had ended, used an illegal Time-Turner to break him out of Azkaban, handed him the very useful information on Malfoy's and Granger's whereabouts, and finally, gave him an unauthorized Portkey to America.
As he sipped his water and glanced at the menu, he frowned. He'd have to take out both Lucius and the Mudblood…and of course, Walden, who'd sold him out….but he did not relish the idea of killing Walden's children, because, after all, they were Purebloods, and they were hardly responsible for their father's perfidy.
He concluded that he would simply have to play that part by ear.
Harry Potter rubbed his eyes and adjusted his Cloak as he and Dawlish approached Selwyn's house. He saw no lights in the windows, and motioned Dawlish to the back door. Both pounded on their respective entrances at roughly the same time, shouting "AUROR DEPARTMENT! SURPRISE INSPECTION! OPEN UP!"
About five minutes later, when Harry was debating whether he should hit the door with a Bombarda, a much-disheveled Selwyn opened the door. There was a strong aroma of Firewhisky surrounding him, and his robe appeared to be on backward.
"Mishter Potter," Selwyn slurred. "To…er, what do I owe the pleasure?"
Meanwhile, Kingsley and Proudfoot had used the Floo Network directly to the Azkaban warden's office. After a short, rather contentious conversation, they were escorted directly to the high-security cells where Travers and Yaxley resided. Travers seemed rather annoyed at having his nap interrupted. Yaxley, of course, was not in residence, a fact which was rather distressing to all three wizards.
Not long after that, Kingsley, Harry, and the other two Aurors Apparated directly into Malfoy Manor. Lucius did not seem surprised by the intrusion, and immediately called for the house elves to bring refreshments. Walden had been pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace ever since Potter had departed, and had refilled the contents of his pipe several times.
Evan and Hermione spent one last lovely, relaxing evening at the estate, playing Exploding Snap in front of the fire, and eating too many freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. The next morning, they awoke early and headed into Salem. Hermione confirmed the Portkey that she'd booked by owl the previous evening, so they spent the rest of the day visiting the Institute and the Flying Witch. Inanna ordered a couple of pies from the Flying Saucer Pizza Company for an early lunch; she got a discount owing to having supplied the restaurant with a mass quantity of alien figurines.
"When Rhiannon gets back, if you don't mind, we'd love to take you two to the Crystal for a farewell drink and dessert…or food, if there's enough time before your Portkey."
"I got us on the red-eye," Hermione said. "It leaves at 11, and they want us there by 10:30."
"Loads of time, then," Inanna said. "I'll get on the horn and make sure we have a nice big crowd to see you off." She walked toward the fireplace at the back of the shop, tossed in some Floo Powder, and fire-called the Institute.
A few hours later, accompanied by Rhiannon and a short wizard wearing a tie-dye robe, Hermione, Evan and Inanna closed up the shop and ambled down the road to the Cloudy Crystal. It was a brisk evening with a hint of snow in the air, and everyone was bundled up, so the toasty atmosphere of the pub was a welcome respite. Cerridwen got everyone seated at a round table in the back of the pub; the only other person in the section was a witch, who was eating a sandwich while intently reading the New York Ghost.
"There's a couple more coming," Inanna said, as Cerridwen handed round waters, which had appeared on her serving tray.
"No problem, I'll send them back," she replied, as she turned to the witch, who was signaling for a drink refill.
Everything seemed to happen all at once after that. The witch at the next table stood up and walked directly over to Hermione, and asked, in a rather strident, British-accented voice, if she was "The Mudblood Granger."
Hermione stood up, but didn't say anything right away, as she was quite shocked. Inanna said, as she stood up next to Hermione, "Hey, there's no call for that type of language!"
"Sod off, you filthy Mudblood," said the witch. "This is none of your business."
"It most certainly is our business." Rhiannon had also stood up and walked around the table so that she was in between the British witch and Hermione. "I think it's time for you to leave."
The witch whipped a wand out and knocked both Inanna and Rhiannon off their feet with a wordless spell. "Stay out of this! Outside, Mudblood!" and she pointed her wand at Hermione.
Hermione, of course, was pointing her wand right back. "I'll come out with you if you agree to leave my friends alone."
Evan jumped to his feet and ran around the table. "Leave my mom alone, you wanker!"
"This Mudblood is not your actual mother, boy," the witch snapped. "Your true mother was a Pureblood witch and a Death Eater. You, wizard-" and she gestured at the wizard in the tie-dye robes, who was also standing up and leveling his wand in her direction. "Make sure the boy remains inside."
It had been a mistake for the witch to take her attention from Hermione, even briefly, as she'd pointed her wand in her direction and intoned, "Finite Incantatem." The multiple glamours instantly vanished, revealing Corban Yaxley.
"You!" Hermione shouted. "You're supposed to be on parole!"
"Outside!" Yaxley snapped. "Say your goodbyes to this pathetic bunch of Mudbloods and Muggle-lovers." He whipped his wand in the direction of the door, which burst open. The collected patrons of the bar screamed, shouted and whipped out their own wands, in about equal measure. Yaxley crossed the space between him and Hermione in an instant, grabbed her and spun her around, shoved his wand at her neck, and yelled, "Put those down or I'll kill her where she stands!" Those in the crowd who'd attempted to rush Yaxley backed off.
Meanwhile, Evan was sobbing, holding closely to both Rhiannon and Inanna, who had managed to stand back up. "He said my mom was bad! Tell me my mom wasn't bad!"
"Shhh, Evan, it'll be all right. She was my best friend and I know she wasn't bad. She just got wrapped up in some bad stuff because of your dad, but he saved you and your sister at the end. He would have saved her too if he could've, I know it. Now just stay right here and it'll all be all right."
Evan wrestled his way out of the witches' grip. "NO! I hate that wizard. I'm going to get him!" As he shouted, two small ravens spiraled into life next to him. "Dad!" Evan screamed. "HELP ME!" The ravens began to glow with an unearthly light, and vanished into thin air. Evan ran straight for the open door, through which Yaxley had just managed to shove Hermione. The tie-dye wizard, Rhiannon, and Inanna all ran after him, but stopped short as Eric Gundarsson and his associate John Red Cloud of the Hartford Auror Force burst out of the Crystal's fireplace.
"Eric, thank the Goddess you're here! Hermione was just dragged out the door by some British wizard—she said he was on parole—so he's a Death Eater, I'd presume," said Rhiannon.
"We're on it," Eric said. "Kid," and he addressed this last to Evan. "Stay here and make sure everyone's safe." Evan beamed.
In the street, Yaxley had created a ring of magical fire around himself and Hermione. As it was a weekday evening and fairly cold, the crowd that had formed wasn't large, but Eric and Red Cloud noted that it was composed of both magical folk and Muggles. After a nod from Red Cloud, Eric sent his Patronus, a goat, galloping toward the center of town.
"Yo! Death Eater!" Eric yelled toward Yaxley. "Lay off with the fire crap. You're outnumbered, and reinforcements are coming."
"Sod off, Auror!" Yaxley yelled. "I've got what I came for," and after that, he pressed his wand further into Hermione's neck. He'd magically trussed her up as well as silenced her, and she didn't look happy. "By the time your reinforcements get here, this dirty-blooded little bit of crumpet will be gone and so will I. Take a message for me, will you? Tell Macnair and Malfoy that they sold me out and they're going to pay!"
"Do I look like your fuckin' receptionist, asswipe?" Eric yelled. Abruptly, he pointed his wand at Yaxley and shouted, "Mjolnir!" A large silver hammer materialized and hurtled, end over end, through Yaxley's fire ring and directly toward his head. At the same time, Red Cloud had produced a large, stylized rattle from his robes and pointed it at the sky—a thunderbolt crashed and an extremely localized rain storm soaked the fire ring, putting it out immediately.
Yaxley began yelling at the top of his lungs and firing spells every which way—Red Cloud dodged a Crucio—before the hammer made contact, knocking him over and pinning him to the ground. The crowd surrounding the melee had gotten larger. Inanna, Rhiannon and the tie-dye wizard had come outside, attempting to hold on to Evan, who had slowly migrated over to the door and then run out toward the action.
Yaxley, after running through several spells, was finally able to remove the hammer from the center of his chest, and scrambled up. While he was otherwise occupied, Red Cloud had dashed over and freed Hermione, and Evan ran over to them and hugged her. A giraffe Patronus had answered Eric's call, and he was up on tip-toes, listening as the message was delivered.
Yaxley took the opportunity to try and attack Hermione again; as he slowly inched toward her, he slipped and fell on hundreds of banana peels and marbles, conjured from the wands of Rhiannon, Inanna, and the tie-dye wizard, using the extremely silly and quintessentially American spell, "Quid, Me Anxius Sum?". Growling, he swept his wand around and vanished the obstacles…only to be confronted by Harry Potter, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Walden Macnair, and Lucius Malfoy, who had just landed in a semicircle around a glowing teapot Portkey.
"Incarcerous!" intoned Kingsley, and magical ropes instantly bound Yaxley. "Mr. Macnair, would you do the honours?"
Walden looked Yaxley straight in the eye. Yaxley looked back at him and gave one short, sharp nod. A flash of green light lit the street, and Yaxley was no more.