Chapter 36: Acceptance

Edward

Seeing Bella argue with my mother might have been one of the most terrifying moments in my life, and that's a lot to come from someone who has experienced a life threatening car crash.

To be honest, I had wanted Bella to yell at my mother. In fact, I had really needed her to. I needed her to say all the words like I had them in my head for so long, but with enough force and without the goddamned stutter!

And she had done that exactly. She had thrown herself in front of the lioness, showing no fear of being snapped at and I loved her even more for it. She was fighting for me…fighting for us.

But even though she was so determined and her arguments made so much more sense than my mother's did, she hadn't been able to change a damn thing about this fucked-up situation. My mother was just being totally and completely irrational and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it now. The decision had been made and there was no going back on it anymore.

For the first time since I had realized that going away from Forks would be the biggest mistake, I feared that I had no option to stay anymore. I would have to go. My mother had been clear as goddamned crystal. There was no arguing with her anymore; I was going to Seattle whether I liked it or not.

Defeated and feeling the pain shoot through my entire body, I walked back outside, leaving Bella in the hallway because I was too much of a pussy to let her see me this way. I had to clench my teeth together to keep myself from breaking down right where I was standing.

I took a seat on our porch steps, burying my head in my hands to hide the emotions that were taking over my body. Everything hurt, every single nerve in my body screamed in pain, but there wasn't a goddamned thing I could do to stop this torture.

Only seconds later, Bella walked outside as well, closing the front door behind her with a soft click. She remained silent but let herself slide down on the steps next to me. Her hand slowly rubbed my back in what was supposed to be comforting motion but it didn't help one tiny bit at the moment. Her usually so soothing touch now only reminded me of what I was going to have to let go of in just a few days. Sobs started erupt out of my chest, making my shoulders heave, as I came to terms with the fact that there was no way back.

I heard Bella sniffle next to me as well, and it felt like another big, fat stab in my heart. I was hurting her.

I don't know how long we stayed there, just letting it all seep through without speaking a single word.

Suddenly, Bella shifted wildly, turning her whole body around so she was facing me now. "Edward, we should find a way to show her that you don't stutter around me anymore," she exclaimed, sounding so enthusiastic.

"How?" I asked weakly, looking up at her for the first time since we had come outside. I totally and completely approved of her plan but I was also being realistic enough to know that it would be impossible to prove it. "I can only speak normally when you're around," I sighed in defeat, "Whenever someone else joins the conversation, I just close down, you know that."

"Can't we record anything?" she suggested. I could almost see all the wheels spinning in her head, trying to come up with another plan to work this out. I loved the effort she was putting into this, but it was useless. I was useless.

"I don't think so," I said, shaking my head. "When I know that someone will hear it eventually, it has the same effect as if that person would be in the room."

"I could try to record you when you're unaware of it?" she suggested, almost bouncing up and down. But I was nowhere near that enthusiastic. I was starting to be realistic about this all.

"It's hopeless," I sighed, dropping my head in defeat as my hands started pulling on my hair.

She carefully put her hands around my face, pulling me towards her and forcing me to look into her eyes, her beautiful brown doe eyes. "Edward, it's not hopeless. You can't give up! I swear this might work."

I shook my head that was still between her delicate hands. It wasn't going to work. Nothing was.

"And what if we get it recorded? What if we let her listen to it?" I explained, "I bet she would say we took it to some studio and digitally changed it so it would sound right."

Bella's eyes glassed over again as she probably realized I was right. There was no way I was going to convince my mother to let me stay. Even if I had another solid argument, she would find a way to make it worthless. Just like me.

"So, are you really going then?" she asked, her voice sounding like it could break every second, just like my heart.

"I guess I have no other choice," I said, nearly choking over my words because of the huge lump that had formed again in my throat.

It was hard, so goddamned hard, but I think it was about time that we both came to terms with the fact that I was indeed leaving. There was nothing that could be done anymore to convince my mother, as she had told us so clearly.

A tear slid down Bella's cheek and I instantly reached out to wipe it away with my thumb. My heart clenched at the sight of my Bella hurt because of my stupidity.

This was entirely my fault; no one other than me was responsible for the hurt we were both feeling now.

I should have never agreed to go to Seattle in the first place. No, in fact, I never should have kept my interest in math and science a secret all this time. So yes, this all was my stupid fucking fault and maybe I even deserved it to feel broken over this as a punishment.

And though I deserved it, Bella sure as hell didn't. She was the most honest, caring person I had ever met, and someone like her deserves only the best in life. I had failed once again to give her that, even though I had told myself I would do anything in my power to be someone worthy of her love.

"We'll get through this right?" she whispered softly, breaking me out of my miserable thoughts.

"I promise," I said, not even knowing if it was true, but I couldn't not promise her. These were our lifelines, and I couldn't just cut them now we both needed them the most. She nodded slowly before scooting closer to me and resting her head against my shoulder. In a reflex, I instantly put my arm around her, pressing her closer to my side, where she belonged.

"I promise," I whispered once again, hoping that this would be a promise I would be able to keep.

A/N: Yeah, not what you guys wanted, I guess… But believe me, it'll all end up right in the end :)

I love you all for reviewing and everything else, 'cause damn, I've reached 1,000 reviews! YAY!

Lots of love for momma2fan 'cause she's an amazing beta

Next update: Well, much to my anger, my internet connection in Germany is pretty shitty, especially in the evening… I'll try to update Tuesday, but I can't make any promise 'cause of the damn connection… But I promise, I'll do whatever it takes to finish this story :)

Love, Ellen