Chapter Thirty Seven

Bella

Deciding the town was perfect I set about finding somewhere to rent and found a small single storey with a yard out back fully furnished and ready to let. We moved in although neither of us was as excited as I had anticipated. It was fun making a home again, one I wouldn't need to run from to keep my baby safe although it seemed only half complete and I thought I was still missing John. I tried hard to be mommy and daddy to Becca and as she was still unsettled I decided to wait a little while before finding a job. Thanks to Carlisle that was possible as I had inherited money from Charlie and Renee. I could have bought a home but I felt it was too soon, I wanted to be sure this was the right place for us.

Of course, neighbours were curious about our background but I said as little as possible and let them draw their own conclusion. All I said was that my husband had died in a surfing accident and we had moved for a new start. I had warned Becca not to say anything about the Cullens but of course, she was only little and I found out she had told the little boy next door, two years older than her, that her best friend was magical. That he glittered in the sunlight and could run faster than Superman. Luckily this was put down to a vivid imagination but I knew she was talking about Peter, she spoke of him and Jasper constantly because she was missing them both and although I hated to admit it, I did too.

Something had happened when I met Jasper again, I felt a connection and now I was away from him I wished fervently I was not. Still, my relationships with men had been disastrous, from Edward all the way through to John and although I knew in my head that it had been Victoria's fault my heart still suffered from the pain. I was terrified of loving and losing again so I would stay single, it was safer that way.

I tried to help Becca make new friends, to take her mind off Peter and Jasper but if Peter truly were her mate then she would always miss his presence despite anything I might do. We spent a lot of time at the park and the library listening to story hour as well as attending toddler groups. She especially liked the soft play center and while she was playing I would look around at the other parents watching their children. I was no different from them, not any longer. I had rid our lives of vampire influence as best I could and I wanted Becca to be a normal little girl. A couple of the other mom's befriended us and we went as a group to the pool and for picnics. Slowly Becca joined in with the others rather than keeping a little distance and I thought perhaps there had been a breakthrough, perhaps Esme and Jasper had been wrong about Peter. Perhaps he had just imagined the feelings between them, after all, he had little experience with humans and even less with children.

The worst times were at night, Becca would wake as if expecting Peter or Jasper to be there and I saw the look of disappointment when she found it was just her and me. I found sleep eluded me most of the time. When I did sleep it was only to dream of the past and the horrific things that had happened, at least when I was awake I only felt the aching longing for companionship. How could I explain this to my new friends without letting them in on the secret of the vampires? I tried to read to occupy my mind but found I couldn't concentrate on the story and would jerk back to reality realizing I had been day dreaming of golden eyes and blond tousled hair, a warm smile and that soft Texan drawl.

We managed to slip into a routine after a few weeks although neither of us was settled or even very happy. I had imagined once Becca and I found a home we would slip back into the way things had been before Victoria turned our world upside down but it wasn't to be. I missed Becca's sunny smile when she saw Peter, the excited chatter as they talked or she showed him her latest picture, the spark was gone although she was still a happy child around others. Maybe she just needed time, this was all new to both of us. Then she demonstrated just how she really felt. I had told her off for going out in the yard in her night clothes and getting the bottom of her pyjamas dirty.

She went to bed subdued and refused a story choosing instead to tell Sam one of her own so I kissed her goodnight and pulled her door too leaving the light on in the corridor for her. I made myself a coffee and grabbed the book I had been trying to read for the past week and sat by the fire. I don't know what alerted me to trouble but suddenly I felt uneasy, I needed to check on Becca and found her bed empty. I rushed into the bathroom but it was in darkness, so where was she? Looking into the kitchen I saw a dining chair had been pulled up beside the door which stood open, she had gone outside.

Grabbing our coats I ran outside looking around frantically but she was nowhere to be seen. I went up the road calling her name and as I turned the corner I saw her, a little figure walking determinedly along, Sam dangling from one hand and her rucksack from the other. Catching up with her I grabbed her hand to stop her,

"What on earth are you doing Becca? You know better than to go out alone, especially when it's dark. Where were you going?"

She looked at me defiantly,

"I'm going back to Esme's to find Peter and Jasper. I don't like living so far away and it makes you sad too mommy. Can't we go back? Please?"

I sighed heavily picking her up in my arms,

"We'll talk about it in the morning but for now, you are going back to bed young lady."

The next morning over breakfast which neither of us eats, we just pushed our spoons about in the cereal bowls I tried to explain to Becca that they weren't family and we couldn't expect them to want us living with them, that this was our home now.

"But it's not. I miss everyone, I want to see Peter, why couldn't he come with us? Jasper too? They're family."

I looked at her sharply,

"Why do you say that? You know it's not true."

"Nanna told me that family is when you feel happy with someone, like you and daddy or her. We aren't happy because they aren't near. I want to be happy, I want to see you smile again. You don't smile much now."

I felt guilty that she had noticed my own unhappiness, for a young child she was keenly astute.

"Did she tell you that sometimes you can't be with the people who make you happy?"

She shook her head,

"No, why not? Peter didn't want me to leave and I bet Jasper is unhappy too, he liked you….a lot."

Oh God! From the mouths of babes!

"I need to think about things Becca, it's not that easy."

"Why? Don't you want to be happy mommy?"

"Of course, I do. I want you to be happy too but going back to Esme's isn't the answer. Besides, Peter doesn't live there, neither does Jasper any more."

"Then where do they live? At Peter's ranch? It's lovely there Mommy and I know Peter would like it if we went there."

"I wish it were that easy Becca but you can't just turn up there and expect Peter to welcome us."

She frowned,

"Yes, we can Mommy, please? I hate it here."

When she saw I wasn't going to jump up and start packing right then she went off moodily to play with Sam and the stable we had built him out of empty boxes.