Episode 2x15: The Queen is Dead

A young (though not as young as she should have been) Snow White, walked up to her mother wearing an advertisement for Andalasia Fashions. "How do I look?"

"Even prettier than Princess Regina, and there are magic mirrors who will back me up on that," Queen Eva replied proudly, giving her daughter a hug. "Come with me, I have a birthday present for you. It was passed down to me from a long line of hypocritical snobs, but I'm hoping you'll be the one to finally break that cycle."

Snow followed her mother to the next room, where one of the servants had donned a tiara and was admiring herself in the mirror. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, please don't fall from grace and spy on us all."

"Hey!" Snow spluttered. "Are you usurping my crown, Johanna? What kind of mother figure are you?"

The princess took a cat-o-nine tails from somewhere on her person and prepared to nip this plotline in the bud, but her mother held her in check. "I know it's tempting, but don't bruise the servants, honey. For some unfathomable reason, they seem to take it personally."

"But Mom—" Snow whined.

"No buts!" Eva said sternly. "Now apologize, before this one swears vengeance on us, too."

"Aw, Mom, that'd never happen here. You're forgetting all the anti-depressants Daddy had pumped into our nation's water supply."

"Just do it! In this family, we treat our subjects with respect."

Snow White stared at her, confused. "Since when?"

"Since now, damn it!"

"Well, when you put it that way, it makes perfect sense." The princess turned to her servant. "Sorry, Johanna. I'll try to start taking after Daddy from now on."

Eva pinched her daughter's cheek affectionately. "That's my girl!"

Snow put on the tiara moved to stand in front of the mirror. "What beautiful cubic zirconias!"

"Yeah. You'd better appreciate the darn thing; we had a devil of a time getting it back from that Flynn Rider guy." Then, without warning, Eva's legs gave out, and she fell into Johanna's arms. "Aw, nuts, a fainting spell. This has to mean I'm either pregnant or dying."

"Snow, fetch a doctor!" Johanna cried.

"Which doctor?"

"The only doctor there is, of course!"

Mary Margaret walked into the kitchen over at the Princess Pad, and found her man whipping up some special Zoloft pancakes. "Why are you cooking breakfast?"

David shrugged. "Well, we're always reversing traditional gender roles in our relationship, and I figured, why stop now?"

"Liar. You're trying to do something nice for your wife on her birthday!" She slapped him. "You pig! How dare you?!"

While David hung his charming head in shame, Mary Margaret went to inspect a package on the table. "You got me a present, too?" She slapped him again. "What kind of sick pervert are you?!"

"It wasn't me, I swear!" David cried. "I would never, never violate you like that!"

She opened the box and found her tiara inside, along with a note reading "Love, Johanna." She relaxed slightly. "Hmph, looks like you're off the hook this time."

David still wasn't technically a cop, but since the only real cop in town was busy stalking innocent people on behalf of a warped old baby dealer, the people of Storybrooke had collectively decided to let him slide. Walking into Mayberry Jail, he went to check the answering machine that had been filling in for him during the high-crime hours, and found himself face to face with an angry Hook. "Aw, nuts, you again?" He groaned. "I knew it was a mistake not to jail you for that latest murder attempt."

"Live and learn, loser!" Hook sneered. "Time for you to find out what I do to people who show me mercy!" He clubbed the quasi-prince, then grabbed his titular appendage off the wall, where it had been repurposed into a coat hook. "Ugh, how undignified."

While Mary Margaret had no idea what Johanna's name and address were in Storybrooke, she was a Charming now, so she had the woman tracked down within the hour. "Dang, your house is a lot nicer than my house," Mary Margaret observed as she entered her former servant's spacious yard, looking mildly annoyed. "Curses blow."

"You!" Johanna gasped when she saw her. "Can it really be my eventually-dear Snow?"

"I go by Mary Margaret now."

Johanna regarded her quizzically. "Er…why?"

"The name was a gift from my stepmom, and if I reject it, she'll probably get offended and curse me yet again," Mary Margaret replied. "So tell me, why didn't you come to see me as soon as the curse broke?"

"Hey, I have a life outside of you, you know."

"Really?"

"…No," Johanna admitted. "So, does the tiara still fit, now that you've hacked off all your gorgeous hair for some reason?

"Like a charm." Mary Margaret modeled it proudly. "Tell me, how did you happen to come by it?"

"I stumbled across it in Gold's shop, while looking for my daddy's razor collection," Johanna replied.

"And Gold just gave it to you?"

"He was in the supply closet at the time, making out with Belle, so I just helped myself. So far, he's been too busy to call me out on it."

Trying to get that mental image out of her mind, Mary Margaret looked long and hard at the patch of flowers Johanna had been tending. "Snowdrops. Subtle."

"Thanks, I try."

Mary Margaret glanced over her shoulder. "Hey, did you hear that? It sounds like evil laughter."

"Oh no! Run!" Johanna screamed, tugging at Mary Margaret's shoulder.

The former princess didn't budge, lost in thought. "Hm, I could do that…or I could stumble off into these dark woods and investigate it on my own."

"Er, maybe you should consider taking some sort of weapon with you, honey," Johanna suggested mildly. "Or at least call that prince of yours for back-up. I mean, he's not really a cop, but he comes closer than you do."

"Hey, who's the queen in this town?" Mary Margaret barked.

"Oh, Snow, that question is a riddle for the ages," Johanna sighed weakly.

Mary Margaret wandered into the woods, where she found Regina digging in the dirt with a stolen pickaxe, while Cora lounged on a beach chair nearby, sipping a cocktail beneath an umbrella. "Hey, watch it!" the elder evil queen barked at her daughter. "You almost got dirt in my margarita! And I don't see any ancient South Asian daggers around here! I can't believe you were dumb enough to put any faith in words that came out of Hook's mouth! You're the worst sidekick ever!"

"Hey, I'm not the sidekick! You're the sidekick!" Regina protested.

"Let's not start this debate again, darling," said Cora. "Let's just focus on finding Rumplestiltskin's dagger so that we can get dear little Cory back."

"For the last time, his name is Henry!"

Mary Margaret bounded into Mayberry Jail, hoping a dose of the Charming Family Charm would settle her nerves after that disturbing revelation. But alas, her man was still passed out. Panicking, Mary Margaret kissed him. When it didn't awaken him, she began to hyperventilate. "I'm all out of ideas now!"

David stirred. "Jeez, haven't I spent enough of this season unconscious?"

"David, what happened here? Did King George attack you again?"

"No, it was the other unrepentant murderer I inexplicably allow to run free."

"Hook? What did he want?"

"Revenge on Gold."

"Well, he's going to have to take a number. Cora and Regina are already way ahead of him. They're going to find the Dark One's dagger and use it to steal his powers so that they can kidnap dear little Cory!"

"Who?"

"Uh, I mean Henry. I sent Gold a message, but you know how he is. I'm sure he'd much rather die than give up the cryptic act." She rolled her eyes. "I think we'd better assume we're going to be on our own." Mary Margaret went over her options carefully. "I guess I could try reasoning with Regina."

"Aw, come on, Eminem!" David whined. "Every time you try reasoning with Regina, someone always ends up dead!"

"Well, you know the old saying. Ninety-eighth time's the charm!"

Henry and Neal walked down the streets of New York, swapping horror stories about life as the child of an evil sorcerer. "…And after she killed me, Mom flung a fireball at me, kidnapped me, and had me wrestled into submission by a giant tree-monster!"

Neal fumbled for a story that would top that. "Um…my daddy dropped me?"

"I win!" Henry crowed. "That means you're paying for lunch!" He dragged his dad into a pizza joint.

Emma and Gold hung back, sadly watching the sons they loved, but had unintentionally hurt, just as they had been hurt by their own parents. "Wow, we sure do have a lot in common," Emma observed uncomfortably. "Do you think there's still hope for Golden Swan after all?" They stared at each other in mutual horror for a long moment.

"Yay, Swanfire! Swanfire for life! Swanfire is my gospel!" Gold blurted, waving a flag emblazoned with a dreamcatcher. "And speaking of Swanfire, how would you feel about seducing my son so he'll come back to Storybrooke?"

"When can I start?!" Then Emma caught herself. "I mean, how dare you?"

"Aw, come on!" Gold prodded. "In addition to giving you the opportunity to hook up with Bae, this would also guarantee that Henry's runaway attempts stay local."

"I don't want to hook up with Bae! He sent me to jail for an even stupider reason than Regina did!"

Gold smiled indulgently, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Oh, don't be silly. You just need to have your beloved to die for you to realize how you feel. You know, like I did."

"Aw nuts, more common ground!"

Neal and Henry emerged, the former glaring suspiciously at the arm his father had draped over his baby mama. "Oh gods, is there hope for Golden Swan after all?!" he demanded, aghast.

"No, your father and I were just discussing the pros and cons of canes versus chainsaws," Emma saved. She looked at her son. "So Henry, still bitter, I take it?"

"Yep."

"You should really stop that, before you turn into a broken, lonely mess like us." She indicated herself, Neal, and Gold.

"Screw you," the boy snapped. "And by the way, I'm demoting you from Mom back to Emma."

Her eyes narrowed. "Hey, if you don't like our arrangement, I can always put you up for adoption again."

Henry cowered. "I'll be good."

"I can as soon as I heard!" Regina barged into the diner, as usual, and ran over to join Mary Margaret. "I can't believe Henry just found out he's related to Peter Pan! Oh, my poor little boy!" she sobbed. "He must be devastated!"

"Relax, Cory's fine; I made the whole thing up to get you over here."

Regina unleashed her mighty Glare of Evil. "For the last time, his name's Henr—wait. You heard us?"

"'Fraid so." Mary Margaret shook her head, looking tired. "Regina, seriously? You'll forgive your mother for tearing out Daniel's heart and butchering him before your very eyes, but you're going to kill me for accidentally making her mad at him?"

"No. I'm going to kill you because you neglected to make small talk with me at the party the other night, like a good host would have." Regina sniffled indignantly.

"Wow. I'd hate to see what you'd do to someone who bumped into you and forgot to say 'excuse me.'"

"He's right here." Regina reached into her pocket and retrieved a shrunken head.

"Ew." Mary Margaret set her plate aside queasily. "Regina, because you're just too cool to hate, I'm going to offer you one last chance. Come over from the dark side, and we can rule as mother and daughter."

"Hey, I don't need to come over from the dark side! You need to come over from the dark side!" She began pointing wildly at everyone else in the diner. "And you need to come over from the dark side! And you! And you! Ooh, and especially you!" She glared accusingly at little Alexandra Herman.

Mary Margaret took out her cell phone and called up David. "Okay baby, you called it, reason was a bust."

Queen Eva lay in her bed, under the tender care of Dr. Frankenstein, while Johanna and Snow looked on. "Hey, aren't I supposed to have a husband somewhere?" she asked.

"His Majesty says he's sorry, but he can't visit your deathbed because he's busy distributing Zoloft cupcakes to the homeless," Johanna apologized. "So, Doctor, what's the prognosis?"

"Not great," Frankenstein reported grimly. "Her only hope is to take some cyanide pills immediately, and then let me reanimate her." The doctor happily reached for his shovel. "Whee! It's crypt-crashing time!"

Eva leaned away from him nervously. "Uh, thanks, but I think I'll just take my chances and trust in prayer." She indicated a plate on the dresser. "Snow, honey, can you hand me those double-fudge cookies Princess Cora baked for us? Maybe one of those will lift my spirits."

Snow handed her the cookies, then turned to Johanna and Frankenstein. "Is Mom going to die?"

"And how!" Frankenstein exclaimed with glee.

"Get out of here, you downer!" Johanna shoved him out the door.

"Medieval medicine seems pretty useless," Snow noted. "But this is a high-magic setting. Isn't there some kind of cleric or druid or something who we can call on for healing?"

"Well, there's always the Blue Fairy. She's an old friend of your mom's."

Snow was confused. "How did my mom happen to meet a fairy?"

"She was a selfish brat when she was a kid, so the Blue Fairy decided to turn her into wood," Johanna revealed. "Confronted with the business end of a magic wand, Eva suddenly decided to turn over a new leaf, and they've been friends ever since."

Henry trotted down the street beside Gold. "Okay, I've already got a Grandpa, and a Gramps, so I can either call you Pop-Pop, Grampy, or my personal favorite, Daddy Rumkins."

"I'd rather you called me your doom," Gold seethed.

"I love you, too, Pop-Pop," Henry chirped obliviously.

Behind them, Neal and Emma were making awkward conversation with each other. Again. "He's a good kid," said Neal.

"Yeah, well, thank Regina. I've only had him for a couple of weeks." Emma admitted.

"Who the hell is Regina?"

"His legal parent. Speaking of which, we really should be getting him home to her, before she has us prosecuted for kidnapping. Or starts killing everyone again."

"But I can't go to Storybrooke. Papa's there, and I'm still playing hard-to-get with him."

"Would it change your mind if I told you I've developed a habit of walking by my windows naked?" Emma asked coyly.

"Ooh. Tempting." Neal stared at her longingly, then jolted back into reality. "But unfortunately, Tamara exists."

"Who's Tamara?"

Neal shrugged. "I don't know. Every time I ask her, she wigs out and threatens me with her taser."

Arriving at Neal's building, Henry slammed the security door in his mother's face, while Neal hung a 'No Parents Allowed" sign on it. Bored, Gold decided to entertain himself by harassing Emma for a while. "Did you do it? Did you seduce my son?"

"No, and stop asking me that! It's creepy and wrong!"

Hook appeared in the doorway. "I'm afraid it's about to get creepier. Your father-in-law-slash-lover is here!"

Emma rolled her eyes. "Hook, for the last time, you are not my lover."

"Your lips say 'no,' but the script for Season Three says 'yes!'" He held up a manuscript triumphantly.

Emma sighed. "Is there a reason you're here?"

"Oh, right." Hook smacked his forehead absently. "My other true love." He jammed his titular appendage into Gold's chest. "You took Milah from me—my love, my happiness!"

"Yeah, and you took Belle from me, so what's your point?" Gold sank to the ground. "I thought the whole purpose of all this was to make me live forever with the agony of having lost my one true love, like I did to you." The sorcerer shook his head, looking a little disappointed. "I should have known you weren't smart enough to pull off such a brilliant and poetic revenge."

Being genetically obligated not to let Gold die, Emma reluctantly sprang into action. Careful not to damage Hook's face, for fear of angering his fandom, she picked up a chair and thumped the pirate over the head with it. "Emma SMASH!"

Hook crumpled in a heap on the floor. "Oh, stop playing coy, woman—you know you want me!" he scoffed as his eyes fell shut.

Emma knelt down to assist her baby-granddaddy. "Are you okay?"

"Oh yes, I love getting stabbed in the chest. It's a hobby of mine," Gold sneered, touching his gushing chest gingerly. "Mortality blows."

Neal came down the stairs. "Dad, what are you still doing here? Didn't I tell you to drop dead?" Then he noticed Gold's wound. "NOOOOO! Papa, please don't leave me!" he wailed.

"Will you make up your freaking mind already? Gold groaned.

"What happened?"

Emma indicated Hook. "An enemy of his, and pretty much everyone else's, attacked him."

Neal hauled his father upstairs, while Emma stuffed Hook in a closet. "Hook's clearly not in any shape to make trouble for us," she reported, rejoining the three generations of bitter, abandoned Gold men. "When I tied him up, he didn't even try to turn the situation into a sexual innuendo." She held up a piece of paper. "And check out what I found while shoving my hands in his pockets…er, to check for weapons and not feel him up," she added hastily. "A map. It looks like he came here on the Jolly Rancher."

"Wait, he didn't follow you? Then how the hell did he know where you were going in the first place?" Neal wanted to know.

"Oh no!" Henry gasped. "He must have found some way to steal our Charming Family Love Radar! That fiend!" The boy took a deep breath, collecting himself. "All right, all right, one problem at a time. Is Pop-Pop going to be okay?"

"Call me that again, and I swear I'll crush you under my boot!" Gold snarled. "In fact, even if you don't, I probably will!"

"He'll be fine," Neal deadpanned, grabbing Emma and clearing out of the room to give his son some time alone with the wounded, desperate murderer.

Henry approached his non-charming grandfather tentatively. "Comfort mode?"

Gold snapped at the proffered hand like a proverbial crocodile. "Stop comforting and resembling me! I'm trying to hate you! You caused this!"

"Now, Pop-Pop, I can't take all the credit," Henry demurred. "Hook had a little something to do with it, too."

Neal and Emma reentered, the former eyeing Gold's ugly green wound suspiciously. "Hey, I thought dreamshade was supposed to turn your flesh black?"

"A wizard did it," Gold snapped. "Now get me back to Storybrooke so that I can palm this stuff off on Cora." He raised a feeble fist. "Nobody dumps Rumplestiltskin and lives," the sorcerer coughed weakly. "Nobody."

Neal produced a crowbar from somewhere on his person. "I'll get a car."

"Did I mention I'm a cop now?" said Emma.

He tossed it aside. "Uh, just kidding."

"How about we take the Jolly Rancher?" Gold, who wasn't about to let a little thing like imminent death deprive him of his role as puppetmaster, proposed. "It's the fastest ship in the realms, though not as fast as it would be if Hook hadn't pointlessly torched the magic sail."

"Go aboard the Jolly Rancher again?" Neal was hesitant. "I'm uneasy about this. Are there any creepy, omniscient children in this realm?"

"Just our son," Emma replied.

"Then I'll chance it." He reached into his locker and pulled out a captain's hat.

Mary Margaret and David sped up to the convent. "Mother Superior! Take a break from splitting up loving relationships and get out here; we have a problem!"

The nun came running down the front steps. "I sense a disturbance in the force."

"Then why didn't you warn us, instead of sitting around filing your nails and waiting for us to find out ourselves?" Mary Margaret demanded.

"God helps those who help themselves. I never have, mind you, but maybe He will," the former fairy replied indolently.

"Blue!" David exploded. "This is serious! Cora and Regina are after Gold's dagger!"

"What do I care? Cora would probably be a lot more benevolent toward me than Gold has ever been. He's really not hard to top in that respect."

Mary Margaret decided to try another tactic. "Help us stop them or I'll set Leroy on you!"

She whistled, and Leroy came bounding out of the bushes, pickaxe in hand. "Ooh, this is gonna be sweet!" he growled.

"Ah!" The Mother Superior caved. "Fine, I'll help you, just call him off!"

Stars overhead, little Snow White emerged from the palace and headed for the woods. "Excuse me, Your Highness," a nearby guard protested, "but I'm pretty sure it's against regulations to let the nine-year-old heir to the throne wander through the woods in the middle of the night without an escort."

Snow held up her cat o' nine tails. "Don't make me use this."

The guard gulped, taking a step back. "Carry on."

She made her way to the middle of the woods. "When you wish upon a star, not knowing what you're asking for, anything your heart desires, you'll live to rue!"

A tiny blue creature fluttered down to meet her. "Hello, Snow." She held out a plate. "Cookie?"

"No thank you, ma'am. I just need a cure for my mom. If she dies, I'll have no one left to raise me but Daddy, and he's always too high on happy pills to be much help."

"Yeah, I've met him," sighed the fairy wearily, "and I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. But unfortunately, cheating death is dark magic, forbidden to fairies."

"Oh." Snow shrugged. "Well, that's cool. I'll just go see Rumplestiltskin instead." She waved goodbye. "Thanks anyway."

"NO!" the fairy spluttered. "I mean, uh, no, you're a child. Rumple would probably hock you before you could even get a word out. You'd better let me handle this, after all." She produced a box and offered it to the girl.

Snow examined the contents quizzically. "The Black Flame Candle? What good will summoning a bunch of dead witches do?"

"No, it's not the Black Flame Candle; the Sanderson Sisters and I just go to the same chandler. This one will steal one person's life force and transfer it to another. All you have to do is hold it over your victim's heart."

"Sweet." Snow lit the candle and shoved it at the Blue Fairy's chest. Nothing happened. "Hey, it's not working. This thing is defective!"

The fairy's face flamed. "It is not! Just take it and get out! And remember to keep this a secret."

Snow broke into peals of laughter. "Hah! Yeah, right, good one!" Then she noticed the look on Blue's face. "Oh, you're serious?"

Neal took out his cellphone and sent a text. "Who are you talking to?" Emma asked.

Neal bristled. "Hey, what's with the third degree?! I'm not on trial, here!"

"Jeez, the mysterious act again. I don't know how I didn't figure out you and Gold were related sooner." Emma grumbled. "So, where did you learn to captain a pirate ship?"

"Many centuries ago, I bonded with Hook. Something I can't recommend, by the way." Neal held up his wrists, displaying a collection of rope scars.

"I choose not to notice that," said Emma, still thumbing through the script she'd taken off Hook.

Neal glanced back at his phone. "Ah, our ride is downstairs. I'd better go meet her—uh, it."

"You want me to come with you?"

"No!" Neal screamed. "Uh, I mean, no, thank you."

"Are you sure? You're looking a little unbalanced."

"Get away from me or I'll have my dad Stupefy you!" he threatened, fleeing.

Henry walked in, Emma's phone in hand. "Hey, Emma, you need to see this message."

"Who do you think you are, August?" she snapped. "Just tell me."

"No, I'm still not speaking to you."

Emma snatched the phone irritably. "Uh oh. Bad news, Gold. The worst imaginable."

"Cora's met Belle and they're swapping anecdotes about how I am in the sack?!" Gold yelped. He buried his face in his hands miserably. "Oh gods, I've changed my mind! Just let me die!"

"Ew, no. Cora's teamed up with Regina and they're after your dagger."

"I knew it was a mistake, showing her that thing," Gold lamented sheepishly. "I just wanted to impress her, and unholy artifacts of the blackest magic seem to be the only way to do that. Well, no matter. I hid it at the home of the only person I trust. She'll never think to look there. Not in a million years!" He tried to giggle evilly, but it turned into a strangled wheeze.

"Are you delirious or something?" Emma smacked him upside the head with his own cane. "Come on, Gold, you've got to tell David and Mary Margaret where it is so that they can keep it safe. I know you've got trust issues, but if you can't have faith in your estranged son's estranged baby mama's estranged parents, who can you have faith in?"

David, Mary Margaret, and the Mother Superior stood out in front of the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, held back by the protection spell Gold had cast in order to keep Johanna from coming back for more of his loot while he was away. "Prepare to be bippity boppity Blue-ed!" the fairy cried, waving her magic wand. "Or not," she amended, spell fizzling.

"Well, you're as useless as ever," David grumbled. "Come on, Eminem. Let's go find Sidney and see if he can magic his way through it. Or at least let him the hell out of that basement, already."

"Wait," said Mary Margaret. "Mother Superior, I remember a time many years ago, when for one brief, shining moment, you weren't useless. Could you do that again?"

The Blue Fairy looked genuinely perplexed. "What on Earth are you talking about? I've always been useless and always will be. It's in my employment contract."

Mary Margaret was getting impatient. "Look, if you're still trying to keep it a secret, you're wasting your time. I spilled the beans, in front of a room full of people, about three hours after you told me not to. You know what this is about. You offered me a viable solution to a personal problem, and displayed honest sympathy for my dilemma, instead of getting all judgmental like you usually do—"

The former fairy slapped her. "How dare you accuse me of such a heinous act!"

Luckily, a ring from David's phone interrupted them before a full-blown catfight could break out. "Hey Emma. He told you where it was? How did you manage that? You used the Charming Family Charm? And your chainsaw?" He smiled proudly. "That's my girl."

Little Snow ran to her mother's bedside. "Mother, I've done something terrible! First of all, I tripped and hit my head on the way in here, and I think I might have damaged the part of my brain that's responsible for keeping secrets. Which brings us to my second point: I could have saved your life by taking some random peasant's, but I chose not to!"

"What?" Eva cried indignantly. "This is an outrage, I'm ten times as important as…" Then she noticed the Blue Fairy hovering near her head, wand raised threateningly. "Uh, I mean, I'm so very proud of you. Selflessness is the greatest of all virtues." With a nod of satisfaction, the fairy fluttered away.

Snow was too busy crying to notice the exchange. "But now you're going to die, and I already fired Dr. Frankenstein!"

"Eh, death won't be so bad. At least I won't have to sit through any more painfully-awkward tea parties with Cora. Hey, speaking of Cora, can you pass me another of those double-fudge cookies she made? Those things are to die for." Snow passed her a cookie, and she took a huge bite. "Ah, nuts!" she gasped, keeling over dead.

The little princess broke down in tears, and Johanna came forward to embrace her. "There there, dear. Johanna will take care of you now, since your father seems unwilling to trouble himself with such things lately."

David and Mary Margaret scaled the clock tower and snatched Gold's dagger from behind one of the hands on the clock. "We did it! We're the most powerful people in Storybrooke!" David cried happily. "Hey, as our first command, let's force Gold to pick his nose, then take pictures to post on the internet!" The quasi-prince and his queen giggled.

Cora energized into the tower, Regina close behind her. "Hey Snow. You're looking a good deal edgier than the last time I saw you."

"Thanks for noticing, but flattery won't get you the dagger."

"I don't need flattery to get the dagger." Cora punched her and snatched it. "See?"

The tiny woman grabbed helplessly as she held it out of reach. "Hey, come on, you're being a very bad sport!"

"Fine, we'll do this the traditional way." Regina handed the dagger back, then summoned Johanna into the tower and ripped out her heart. "Fall in line, or your never-before-seen mother-figure gets it!"

Clad in black, Snow glumly allowed Johanna to help her into her tiara. "You're making me bury my mom on my birthday?" The girl shook her head in disbelief. "What's next, are you going to make me strangle some puppies, just to make the day complete?"

"No, I know you're busy, so I rescheduled that for tomorrow," Johanna informed her cheerfully. "Now, get out and lead the mourning—your daddy's still too plastered to do it himself, and apparently, none of your other relatives cared enough to spare you the burden."

"This family sucks," Snow grumbled. "You know what it needs? Some witches to jazz it up a little."

She headed into the vaguely Catholic structure hosting the funeral and placed a very subtle snowdrop on her mother's chest. "Bye, Mom. Tell my late goldfish I said 'hey.'" The princess turned to face the altar and mourned as hard as she could, red-faced and straining with the effort.

Several hours later, her subjects were getting a little creeped-out by this display, so they got up and left. Johanna came over and hoisted Snow to her feet. "Come on, honey. Let's get out of here before you give yourself an aneurysm."

"But shouldn't someone bury Mom first?"

"Eh, what's the point? Frankenstein will dig her up eventually anyhow."

As their footsteps died away, the Blue Fairy fluttered in and morphed into Cora. "Ugh, I hate wearing stuff that's not black. It makes me feel so…clean." She shuddered, approaching the corpse. "Hey, Eva. You're not so tough without your high heels, are ya?" The witch smirked. "You raised your daughter well. Mine hates me, just because I unrepentantly slaughtered one or two of her loved ones. Brat. But she's all I've got, so I'm giving her your throne and destroying your child's soul anyway." She laughed evilly. "No one trips Cora and lives! NO ONE!" She placed a kiss on the dead woman's lips because reasons.

A janitor walked in carrying a mop; his jaw dropping when he saw them. "Uh, if you two are in the middle of hate sex, I can come back later," he offered uncomfortably.

"No, that won't be necessary. I'll leave the necrophilia to Prince Charming."

"Now, Regina, Cora," Mary Margaret began, "I know we've had our differences, but surely you'd never harm an innocent in the pursuit of power."

Johanna facepalmed. "Well, I'm doomed."

David suddenly remembered that guns existed and he had one, so he reached for his holster. "Look out, Mom!" Regina warned instead of simply zapping David with her mighty powers, possibly realizing, on some subconscious level, that she'd be better off letting him shoot the old witch.

Cora, being far less complex than her daughter, zapped David with her mighty powers. "Nice try, honeymuffin."

"Just leave me, Snow," Johanna interjected. "I was destined to die the moment I formed a meaningful relationship with you. I'm so tired of fighting it." Regina squeezed her heart menacingly, and she yelped in pain. "Hey, stop that, I have arrhythmia!"

Cora glanced at her watch impatiently. "Look, my daughter may enjoy taunting her prey, making bad puns, and all that other traditional supervillain crap, but I consider myself above such things. Quit dragging this out and hand over the dagger." She conjured up a cookie jar. "And help yourself to one of these, while you're at it."

"Wait a minute!" Mary Margaret cried. "The Blue Fairy offered me cookies, too! Oh my gosh, and the reason she told me to keep the candle incident a secret—"

"Nice job with that, by the way," Cora sneered.

Mary Margaret ignored her. "…was because it was really you in disguise!" She snatched a cookie from the proffered jar. "And are these double-fudge?"

"With cyanide chips," Cora confirmed.

"You killed my mother?!"

"Hey, the woman once tripped me," the elder evil queen defended haughtily. "What was I supposed to do, take it in stride and get on with my life?"

"That's the weakest motive for murder I've ever heard in my life, and I've heard hers," Mary Margaret scoffed, indicating Regina.

"Okay, I also wanted Regina to be queen, in case the name hasn't made that painfully obvious already," Cora admitted.

"Wait, what?" said Regina, giving her mom a double-take. "Eh, screw it; it's already been established that I'm never going to turn on you, no matter how much you may deserve it." She turned back to her stepdaughter. "Gimme the freaking dagger."

"Why should I?"

"As your mom, I forbid you to play with knives."

Mary Margaret looked to David helplessly. "She's got me there." She tossed the kris to the ground, and Cora summoned it into her hand. Mary Margaret frowned. "If you knew how to do that, why didn't you just summon it out of my hand and save us all this drama?"

"Hey, you're the one who wanted us to be good sports about this." Regina shoved Johanna's heart back into her chest and shoved her at them. "Here you go."

As they ran to embrace her, Cora shoved her out the window. "Just kidding."

"No, not Mother Figure Number Three!" Mary Margaret wailed in despair.

"Bwa hah hah!" Regina laughed evilly. "You can now tell Dr. Hopper I've officially quit rehab!"

Mary Margaret wept bitter tears as her stepmom and grandma fled. "You two are so off my Christmas card list for this!"

Mother and daughter Apparated back to the Mayoral Lair, the former plopping down at Regina's desk. The younger evil queen frowned. "Mom, are you usurping me?"

"No, of course not. What kind of sick, twisted mom does that?"

Regina hit her with the Glare of Evil. "Hey, we're talking about your mistakes right now. Why didn't you ever tell me that the whole reason I'm queen is because some brat tripped you sixty years ago?"

"Actually, the whole reason you're queen is because I spooked Snow's horse that day at the stables."

The younger evil queen blinked. "Um, yes, I believe I already figured that out, and told you so, the day after it happened. Don't change the subject."

"What do you care, anyway? I thought you just said you were done with rehab, and ready to put the 'Evil' back in Evil Queen."

"I care because you've got Rumplestiltskin's dagger." She nodded at the kris on the desk. "And if that thing can turn a pathetic, sniveling wimp into the monstrosity that is Gold, I don't even want to think about what it's going to do to you. You're scary enough already. And I've intermittently got a son to think of."

"Relax, honey. All I care about is what's best for Cory."

"HENRY!"

"Whatever."

Emma followed Neal down the street, toward their borrowed car. "So, now that Hook has tried to murder me, Aurora, Mulan, my mother, Belle, Archie and your father, all in the space of about a week, do you think maybe I should take him to jail?"

"Nah, I'm sure he's learned his lesson this time."

"Good enough for me. So tell me, why are you trying so hard to save your father? Did his fangirls threaten you or something?"

"Nah, I suddenly remembered how he charged into a burning building, sold his soul, and fought a horde of ogres for me," Neal replied.

"Does that mean you forgive him?"

"Not yet, I have to leave some character development open for next season."

"Well, it'll be nice to have you in Storybrooke. You can crash in my bed, if you want. Er, to be closer to Henry, of course."

"That's okay, I don't want to put you out."

"No trouble. We can share," Emma offered coyly. "It's not even illegal anymore."

Neal fanned himself, eyes smoldering. "Well, when you put it like that—"

Tamara walked over. "Hey, baby."

"—When you put it like that, Tamara and I are happily engaged," Neal finished hastily.

"Yeah, right, sure we are." Tamara smeared some concealer on a suspicious collection of love bites. "Nice to finally meet you, Princess Em—I mean, who's your friend, Neal?"

"I didn't touch her!" Neal screamed. "I swear I didn't touch her!"

"Oh Lord, I almost pulled a Mary Margaret Blanchard." Emma facepalmed. "Could this day get any worse?"

David and his wife stood in the graveyard, before a mound of freshly-turned earth. "It was a beautiful service. I only wish we could have afforded an actual headstone, instead of more unsubtle snowdrops. Damn this civil servant's salary!" he cried, shaking a fist at the sky.

Mary Margaret was inconsolable. "All my life, I've held fast to the principles of selflessness my mother reluctantly taught me, and look what it's gotten me. A bad haircut, a baby that's older than I am, and a novel-length list of dead extras."

David took his wife in his arms. "Comfort mode."

She pushed him away. "The Charming Family Charm can't solve every problem, honeymuffin. I mean, I made the right decision by sparing Regina's life—"

David pointed down. "The grave disagrees with you."

"Exactly! It's time to stop this stupid catch-and-release game we've been playing for the past sixty years and just kill the damn psychos, already."