A/N: Happy Snow Day everyone! Please feel free to comment and review and as always, enjoy!
Devotion
Gail didn't exactly know what to expect when she went back home, but she wasn't expecting Holly to be asleep. Even in the darkness, the moonlight highlighted Holly's tear-stained cheek and Gail felt her stomach drop. She pulled off her clothes silently and debated on whether to get in bed or go downstairs to the couch. She turned to head towards the door when she heard Holly tussle a bit in her sleep. "You're home," she said drowsily, stretching against the sheets. "You came back…"
Gail turned and looked into the darkness. "Yeah," she said meekly, not exactly sure how to address the surprise in her fiancée's voice. Gail was exhausted in every way possible and there was desire to just crawl into Holly's arms and block out the world.
"I did something," Holly finally found her bearings enough to sit up. She rubbed her eyes and focused on Gail's figure in the darkness. "I took the job," she divulged. "The contract comes tomorrow…"
"In Greenland?" Gail questioned, blindsided by the admission. She hadn't even really thought about her fight with Holly since she had her fight with Chelyn. Her world was spinning and she could actually feel the panic rise in her body. This was to be expected, she told herself. High pressure situations building on one another caused her to panic at the worst possible times. "Greenland?" she choked out again. "Why…why would you do that?" she stammered.
Holly rubbed her eyes and yawned into the back of her hand. "Originally, because I was pissed…" Holly's words trailed off and she stopped. "I was pissed and hurt…you started a fight over nothing…"
"You flamed the fires," Gail countered quickly and with all the temper her current anxiousness would allow her.
"By asking you not to leave?"
"By…by…" Gail didn't have the words to articulate how Holly made her feel. It was a mixture of rejection and coddling that drove Gail wild with anger and embarrassment. She didn't need a parent, she needed a partner, someone who was unconditional with her love. She stopped for a moment. "So you're leaving me?" the realization dropped down on her. "You are not leaving me!" she said firmly.
"Gail…" Holly began the response she had been thinking about since talking to Dr. Mendelson a few hours earlier.
"You always are willing to leave…just drop it and leave…"
"You left me, Gail. I've never left you," Holly spat out angrily. "Don't recreate history…"
"I panicked…literally! I can't help that! But you didn't chase me Holly…when I left, you just turned your back…you just bailed…like I didn't mean anything…like I was nothing to you…like we were nothing," Gail held onto her resolve, even though she trembled. She found her way to the edge of the bed. "And I know…you don't do that…you've always said you don't play games or chase someone who doesn't want you, but you knew I wanted you…I was scared then! You don't know what it's like for someone like me to be in love with someone like you…"
Silence blanketed the room for a moment before Holly questioned. "What do you mean?" the sheer gravity of Gail's voice stunned her and a vein of shame coursed through her.
Gail pulled her legs to her chest, her feet hanging off of the edge of the bed. "I remember the night I told you it wouldn't work. The look in your eyes broke me, but I convinced myself you'd do better without me. I could let you go if it meant you would do better…but I thought…I thought you'd put up a fight. I mean, a real fight for us," Gail explained slowly. "You called like three times Holly…"
"You wouldn't answer me…you shut me out…"
"Three times…our relationship was worth three calls…"
"What was I supposed to do, Gail?" Holly sounded small and defeated. "I felt like I was dying everyday…"
"You hid it well," Gail cut in. "I'd see you and it was like you didn't even care," she was now twisting her engagement ring nervously on her finger in the darkness.
"You wanted me to fight for you?" Holly murmured. She felt stupid for the first time in her life. It was so simple and complicated at the same time that it stunned her that she hadn't realized how she was just as much part of this cycle.
"I wanted you to know that I was scared and to give me time. But you don't do that, Holly. I push you away, but you never pull me back. Even when I try, you question it…" Gail could feel herself begin to cry.
"Gail do you seriously want to give up your career…being a detective, being in Toronto, what you've built to actually move to Greenland on a research mission with me?" Holly came and sat beside her, gently wrapping her arms around Gail's waist.
"Are you going to Greenland with or without me?" Gail sniffled, trying one last time to be tough. If Holly wanted to leave…she very well could, Gail steeled herself off. The darkness of the room kept Holly's expression hidden, but she could feel Holly go rigid. "I just want you to be honest," Gail said tenderly, realizing that Holly felt that her answer would spark another argument.
"At first," Holly said, a stray tear escaping. "I wanted to just walk out; go to Greenland…research, forget about you…"
"Ouch," Gail sighed.
"It may sound stupid, but it's a lot of pressure on me, Gail. If you give up everything for me…and if I'm not worth it… You thrived without me, Gail. I would hear stories about how you solve cases and busted criminals. You're not Elaine Peck's daughter or Steve Peck's little sister…you are Gail Peck and that name means so much in its own right. It's hard for me to believe you want to give that up for Greenland."
"It's not just Greenland, Holly. It's you…it's a family, it's raising our future kids to be happy…it's you being brilliant," Gail tried to explain. "But if you want to go without me…"
"Shut up," Holly huffed softly. "I'm an ass…"
"Yes," Gail said laying back on the bed. She didn't dwell on the fact that her fiancée was an ass, because she suddenly remembered why she had felt like shit when she got home.
"Well thanks," Holly said laying back beside her and turning to face her.
"You were going to leave," Gail reminded her distantly. She was quiet for a moment and swallowed loudly.
Holly touched Gail lightly, "what's wrong?" she could feel the blue orbs on her even through the darkness, "besides me being an ass?" she asked earnestly. "I don't want to go to Greenland without you…"
Gail smirked, easily slipping back into her cockiness. "I know," she determined easily. She became serious again. "I hate that you actually considered leaving me…just like that…"
"It's overwhelming, Gail," Holly said turning away. "Loving you is overwhelming…you aren't the only one who wants to flee sometimes…I never did relationships like this before, Gail. I had excuses, like school and career…with you, there is nowhere to hide. I just felt raw and scared…"
"So you signed yourself up for Greenland…"
"I'll call Dr. Mendelson tomorrow morning…"
"Don't…" Gail said quickly. "I was serious before …a year in Greenland could change your career."
The moon had shifted and now the room was completely dark. "So you are willing to give up your career, your friends and family…" Holly's voice sounded far away even though she was right beside Gail.
"Even if I had any of that, yes, for us I would…haven't I proven that?" Gail questioned. "What more can I do? I said it before; you never believe me…"
"I just want you to be sure," Holly found her lips in the darkness.
"Do you think you aren't worth it, seriously?" Gail asked. It never dawned on her that Holly could actually be insecure, especially when it came to their relationship.
"I've seen for sure that you would thrive without me, Gail."
"I wasn't thriving," Gail promised. "I was going through the motions. And it was killing me inside; even if you break my heart every day, I'd rather be with you than anything else in the world."
She felt Holly's lips on her collarbone. "Okay…" she said slowly. "I'm sorry…for…tonight. For overreacting and not trusting you and…" Gail kissed her forehead quickly. "I could still say no to Greenland…"
"Holly…" she growled, getting tired of the back and forth. "Shhh…" she said and appreciated the fact that Holly let the silence wash over them.
"Gail…" Holly broke into their silence. "Where did you go tonight?"
"I always go to Chelyn when I'm pissed. She's surprisingly calming…well was. Holly, I told her the truth about what happened." Gail could feel Holly sit up and pull herself to the head of the bed. Soon the lamp beside Holly's side of the bed flooded the room. Gail closed her eyes to the intrusion.
"What happened?" Holly asked just as anxious as Gail had felt. "Is she okay…are you okay? Baby…why didn't you tell me?"
"You were planning your escape," Gail quipped morosely. She wasn't still angry about Holly wanting to leave; she was upset about her entire day.
"Gail," Holly cocked her head the way she did when Gail was trying to skirt an issue.
Gail pulled her body towards Holly's and lay her head in her fiancée's lap. "She threw me out…she's through with me," Gail said weakly.
"You can talk to her again tomorrow, when she has cooled off," Holly bent down and kissed Gail's temple softly. "I'll go with you…everything will be fine."
"I should probably face this one alone," Gail admitted, looking up at Holly. "She's so angry…and when she gets angry, she gets reckless."
"Well, she's in the hospital for a couple of days. Give her some time to cool off…she's not going anywhere right now," Holly said rubbing Gail's back reassuringly. "She's not going anywhere."