Edit Tues 5/17: Again I am sorry, chapter 38 isn't finished yet because I got so busy with my preceptorship. It'll be up ASAP since I have an entire week off now!

Chapter 37: Mo' Money Mo' Problems

The gang drove into the parking lot of the farm having just escaped the craziest week of their lives. "I swear Light, you're the only person in the world that can say she was a criminal, homeless, and the First Lady of Esthar all in one week!" Sazh laughed as they entered back into their humble abode.

"Yeah, my autobiography will be a hit. I'll call it, 'From Bitch to Rich,'" Lightning joked as they settled into the kitchen.

Kairi came out of the bedroom with a cutely dressed Dajh. "What happened? I finally talked to Sora last night and he said you guys were losing the farm."

"What did you do to my son!?" Sazh asked and reclaimed his son who was now sporting cute poofy pigtails and a Dora the Explorer outfit. "Como estas?" Dajh started to speak in tongues.

"Long story short, my sis married the president of Esthar and we're rich now!" Serah explained to Kairi.

"Oh no!" Hope said as he sat in the couch of the living room watching the Shinra News.

"BREAKING NEWS," Anchorman Reno started. "We have word that Vayne Solidor, Emperor of Arcadia, has been assassinated. This throne will succeeded by his younger brother Larsa Ferrinas Solidor."

The footage switched to a press conference in Archades with Larsa. "Hello press. It is to my dismay that I must inform you that my older brother, friend, and colleague, Vayne Solidor, has been assassinated by a band of rebels from the Rabanastre Chocobo Farm," Larsa explained with the utmost composure. "His castle, his bank account, and the entire empire are mine now. I assure you that I will become the emperor Arcadia needs and comply with the Dalmascan rebels. That is all."

"GOD F****ING DAMMIT," Lightning punched the table, causing it to collapse onto the floor. "I COULD HAVE BEEN THE WIDOWED EMPRESS OF ARCHADIA! But NO, I had to choose Laguna instead! And who knows we he's going to kick the can."

"Oh yeah…he was telling me how Esthar's medicine is becoming so advanced that citizens are living to 150 now," Noctis teased.

"DAMMIT. When will I be free?"

"Girlfriend you got yerself into this mess in the first place!" Fang said.

Vanille was looking through the fridge as the gang argued over Lightning's poor life choices. "Aw man!" she said when she was reminded that all they had to eat was lettuce and kale. "Hey, how about the first thing we do with Lightning's credit card is get us a personal chef?" she proposed.

"You mean the second thing," Lightning said just after clicking the "buy" button for a vacation castle in Thailand online on her phone.

"Great idea! How about we get ourselves Kairi's Kitchen?" Snow thought out loud.

"Yeah! Do it!" Kairi got excited.

"What are we waiting for? Call Sora, get him over here!" Serah said; she could not, will not stand another day of chocobo feed.

Kairi did so and Sora showed up at their doorstep minutes later. "Wow! Weren't you in Connecticut?" Tidus was surprised to see him.

"So uh, I'm banned from Connecticut," Sora said with shame. He had come with Riku and the three Kairi's Kitchen staff members sat in for the important meeting.

Serah made the first offer. "We will buy out Kairi's Kitchen for one million gil."

"HAHAHA!" Riku slapped his knee.

"Two million?" she went up a little higher.

"How bad is it?" Lightning asked.

Sora took a deep breath. "300 million."

"OH," everyone gasped.

"WHY!?" Sazh couldn't believe that a teenage boy could drown himself that much into debt.

"Let's just say, I owe a lot of people a lot of money," Sora explained; for instance he owed the Church of Yevon millions for getting Kairi's name in the bible, and the Occuria for manipulating history to his favor. "And don't even get me started on Kairi Kouture; I got the mayor of Destiny Islands at my throat for causing the extinction of paupu fruit."

"Yeah, thanks," Riku said since his primary source of free food was no longer existent.

"I know it's a lot of money, but if you buy us out we'll be your personal chefs and be able to relaunch my Kitchen," Kairi said enthusiastically.

The gang turned their backs to SoKaiKu and huddled. "I don't know…should we?" Lightning started. "I mean, how much did Kairi's Kitchen really matter to the farm?"

"Don't even get me STARTED!" Tidus said and slammed the pile of hate mail he had just retrieved from the mail box when they got back that morning. He opened up one random letter, "Dear losers, what happened to Kairi!? I swear to god I will burn that barn down if I don't see Kairi's face next time I bring my kids to visit. She's the only reason why little Timmy finally stopped eating soap and god forbid if that little punk needs to get his stomach pumped again I will personally get a sex change, dye my hair, and become the next Kairi. Sincerely, Dave."

"Is Dave single?" Vanille asked.

"Are they all like that?" Noctis asked.

"There's one from that Larsa kid, but yeah that one's one of the civil ones!" Tidus said. He and Noctis proceeded to take the pile of mail and personally respond to each complaint.

"Thanks for the hate, we appreciate it. Take care," Noctis wrote.

"Can we say yes to the broke rich boy!?" Fang joked.

Serah turned back to the kids. "Can we do a payment plan? I mean 300 million up front is really pushing it!"

"The yakuza are literally outside the door waiting to kill me," Sora explained and pulled back the curtains to reveal the group of men in black suits with metal rods right outside the window.

"Are they single?" Vanille asked.

"Well, I guess I can spare 300 million," Lightning laughed and wrote the check for Sora.

"Oh my Nomura," Riku couldn't believe they agreed to it; he low key wanted to see the Sora vs. The Yakuza boss fight. Sora took the check, ran out the door, and handed it over to the men in black.

"Now that THAT'S settled," Snow said and turned to Kairi. "Give me Pro-Namel, medium rare. Some Sensodyne with chili powder; if my face isn't red, I'm sending it back. And some horchata while you're at it!" he placed his order.

"Uh…" Kairi stared blankly.

"I'll take care of it," Riku said and went back to his place in the kitchen.

Hope was reading Larsa's latest letter from the mail. "Hope Estheim, as you may have heard my brother no longer resides in the realm of the living. He did however leave some property behind for your Baroness. I have included the deed. Regards, Larsa Ferrinas Solidor, Emperor of Archadia."

Hope wrote back to his friend. "Ohemgee! Dat is awfull, may he rest in piss. And THANK I will give the deed 2 litning!" he finished writing. "Hey Vayne left you something," he handed over the deed to the Air Fortress Bahamut.

"Ew," Lightning said and threw it away.

Since they had money for days, the gang spent the afternoon relaxing and having fun. Lightning was on the roof shooting at some geese with her new rifle, Sazh was planting a vegetable garden with Dajh to teach him self-sufficiency, and Fang was practicing her pole vault in the corral. Inside the house Hope was catching up on Zack Fair's telenovela as Vanille sat by shopping online for a boyfriend and Noctis and Tidus finished up with the hate mail. Serah and Snow were giggling in the office (the bathroom) and were finishing printing out some papers from the printer sitting on top of the toilet. "Babe, you sure about this? I mean, someone might get murdered tonight," Snow laughed at what Serah was planning.

"It will be fun, I promise!" she insisted and they went to the living room with the papers.

"What is he putting in the pozole!?" Hope worried as the antagonist of the show poured some strange powder into the bowl of soup and served it to Zack's character. He ate the pozole and dropped to the ground. "AHHH!"

"Shush! I'm trying to concentrate here," Vanille said as she sat on the couch with Hope filling out a survey on the rent-a-boyfriend website. "Hey Hope, do I want a boyfriend that's hot or ugly? If I choose ugly that means I'm the hot one but is it worth it?"

"What happened to 'I just want a boyfriend to show off like a trophy, a cute trophy,'" Hope quoted her from two minutes ago.

"Hey guys~!" Serah tried to catch their attention.

"Dear Dr. Hojo," Tidus was writing a letter. "We are happy to inform you that Kairi will be returning with her Kitchen. Please stop sending us packets of Jenova cells." He then called the CDC to come send someone to dispose of the biohazardous material.

"Guys, we're having a staff appreciation award's ceremony tonight!" Serah had to yell to get their attention and handed them the papers. "Here's the ballots, cast your votes and give them back to me or Snow."

"I'm Snow!" he reminded them.

"The Golden Globes?" Noctis looked at the ballot. "'Most likely to destroy a talented man's potential'? We're really going there?"

"Oh, we're going there," Snow didn't even understand where "there" was. He and Serah went outside. "YO BITCH FACE!" Snow yelled up to the roof.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?" Lightning said immediately shot at him.

"Not when she's holding the RIFLE!" Serah and pushed her 250 pound husband aside to dodge the bullet.

"Oh it's nothing! I was just casting my vote for 'best resting bitch face' for the Golden Globes tonight!" Snow explained and got up off the dirt ground. He crinkled up the ballot and threw it up, hitting her face. "The award ceremony's tonight, be there or be square!"

He and Serah moved on to Sazh, who was knees deep in the soil. "And you put the seed in the soil, and pour some water!" Sazh finished teaching Dajh how to plant and grow cash crops. "But if you're a bad little boy, the Sasquatch comes and eats everything."

"no!"

"Old man, sorry to interrupt your 'angerculture' but we need to 'harvest' your votes for the Golden Globes tonight!" Snow said, stepped all over the vegetable patch and handed the ballots.

"HA! Oh man this is gonna be brutal," Sazh laughed at the categories and got to voting.

They walked over to Fang, who was literally using her spear to practice pole vaulting. "Fang, can you take a quick break for us? We need to give you your ballot," Serah asked of her.

"You practicing for the Olympics? Good luck, I heard Tidus is a BEAST at pole vault; he doesn't even need a pole!" Snow laughed and handed the ballot.

Fang was drenched in sweat. "Light said…she hypothetically…might consider to date an Olympian," she could barely breathe. "I need to get good, the Olympics are this summer!"

"But she's married!" Serah was simultaneously surprised, yet not, that the marriage didn't cure her pathological hoe-ness.

As nighttime rolled by Serah and Snow finished up preparations for the Golden Globes. They had forced everyone to stay outside the house until the ceremony. "Snow, where did you put the awards!?" Serah panicked; they had spent all afternoon making and painting golden paper-mache chocobos.

"Oops!" Snow said and quickly checked the bathtub; the awards were sitting in the bathtub, completely melted. "OK, so I might have put them in the bathtub to dry, forgot to take them out, and took a shower."

"HOW!?" Serah couldn't believe it.

"I don't have answers!" Snow felt embarrassed.

Serah went to Kairi in the kitchen. "Kairi, I need something, anything to be our awards."

"Um," Kairi thought quickly and went to retrieve some bottles of Kairi Kouture.

"Aw man."

"Hurry up I need to pee!" Hope was banging on the front door. Serah went to open it and everyone stampeded in. Hope didn't make it to the toilet and peed his pants in the living room.

"For f***'s sake Hope!" Lightning shouted.

Riku walked by with a tray of shrimp tempura appetizers to set out and slipped in the puddle. "Darn!" he spilled the shrimp everywhere.

Everyone got settled in their seats for the award ceremony and were served their dinner meal of chicken chop suey courtesy of Kairi's Kitchen. Serah and Snow had put up some leftover chocobo themed decorations and made a makeshift stage using bundles of hay. Serah went up to the microphone to begin. "Ladies and gentlemen, employees and comrades, friends and family-"

"We get it, you love us!" Vanille interrupted.

"Welcome to the first annual Golden Globe Awards!"

"YOU GO GIRL!" Snow cheered her on.

"Why is it called the golden globes? We're not Hollywood actors! We're Japanese Role Playing Game protagonists," Sazh said.

"Because our chocobos are gold!" Serah explained. "Get it? Get it?" No one got it. "Tough crowd. Ok, all votes were tallied by Kairi so everything's fair and a surprise. First award is 'the most improved employee' and goes to…Tidus!" she read from the envelope.

"Who?" Lightning looked around the room.

"You know, petite, blond, kinda of a wimp?" Fang reminded her.

"You mean Thursday?"

"Wow! Thanks guys!" Tidus went up to the stage of hay to retrieve his award.

"Not fair! His bar was set so low, the only thing he could do was improve," Fang complained. "I showed up to his gig illiterate in Cocooneese and I still managed to memorize that entire book of chocobo facts for the tour!"

"I learned several school years' worth of math in one afternoon for my duties!" Hope added.

Serah handed Tidus the award (Kairi Kouture bottle) and the envelope for the next award. "The next award is for 'the least improved employee' and the winner is…" Tidus opened the envelope. "NOCTIS!?"

"What!?" Noctis felt betrayed. "Why?" he went up to retrieve the award anyways.

"Easy!" Sazh started. "First few weeks you were giving us our paychecks, no problem. Then you started making errors. I got one paycheck for only 50 cents!"

"That's no error," Lightning mumbled; that festival back in chapter 14 cost so much they could only afford $5 to go to payroll.

"Yeah, and you're asleep half the time nowadays. If you ask me you're getting a little too comfortable," Vanille said. "I think we ought to put a few glass shards in your shoes, that'll keep you on your toes."

"Good grief," Noctis gave up and read the next winner. "Highest Customer Satisfaction Rating goes to… Snow?"

"ME?" Snow felt so happy.

"HIM?!" Lightning felt so confused.

"Thanks dude!" Snow said as he got up to take his award. "I am honored to be standing here representing the highest standard of customer service presented in this institution. I strive to make every single customer feel taken care of and entertained to the best of my ability and with a kind, friendly smile. Any problems are addressed promptly and suggestions are always welcome. I pledge my alliance to the sick, the poor, and the gays to provide non-discriminatory service as a proud representative of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm," he said diplomatically.

"Bravo!" Serah clapped for him with others following suit.

"What? How?" Lightning said. "You're constantly late, drive the shuttle off route, and say whatever you want!" she had been witness to Snow's debauchery far too many times.

"You kiddin'? The kids love Snow," Fang said. "Little Jimothy wants to find ancient chocobo fossils, Snow's driving him to the mountain! Little Becky doesn't know why to take to prom, Snow's listening to her for hours talk about the pros and cons of Eric and Phil! Timmy stopped eating soap 'cause Snow convinced him to eat Kairi's stuff instead!" she recalled just a few instances.

Snow opened up the next envelope. "The award for Worst Customer Satisfaction Rating goes to…oh how the turntables! ELECTRA!"

"NO," she refused to accept the award.

"Don't be a sore loser, you won this fair and square!" Sazh said.

"Prove it."

"Half the hate mail was about YOU!" Tidus said and retrieved one of the letters. "What's up with the chick with the gunblade? I asked her where the restroom is and she threatened to 'cut me.' She needs to go."

"Don't forget this one," Noctis started. "I would like to file a complaint against the manager named Lightning. It was my son's birthday so I took him to the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm. After waiting in line for 2 hours I asked the nice albino boy at the ticket booth if my son Bobby could possibly play Chocobo Hot and Cold since he loves doing that in FFIX. The ticket boy said 'You'll have to ask my boss, but I warn you she's no joke.' So Bobby and I went around looking for her since she never showed up and the emo looking security guard told us she's in the barn. So I think 'cool, Bobby will get to see all the chocobos in the barn.' So we go inside and she's performing actual surgery on a chocobo! Bobby asks me what she's doing and I tell him not to look, but this chick says 'You with the tiny hands, finish this up.' I tell him 'No Bobby' but she says 'It has to be you Bobby.' So my poor son performs an appendectomy on a chocobo on his 8th birthday and he's crying because he has blood all over his Spiderman t-shirt. I tell the manager, 'Lady, what is wrong with you? My son is scarred for life. I am filing a lawsuit.' So she says 'Listen, I don't care who your son is, tight squeezes call for tiny hands. If you want I'll let you pay my credit card bill and we're even.' I say 'Bitch you traumatized my son, I'm not paying your credit card bill.' She proceeds to yell at me, call me 'a fake' and somehow tricked me into handing over my wallet and she won't give it back."

"Oh my God," Serah was astounded and Lightning accepted the award.

"Hmm…" Lightning pondered when she read the contents of the next envelope. "You're all sure of this one?"

"Huh?"

"Most likely to be reincarnated as the antichrist…goes to Vanille."

"WHAT!?" Vanille shot up. "NO. NO. I voted for Hope; he's the one who kills butterflies for fun."

"It's not for fun, it's for science!" he looked around nervously.

"Girl, we had to vote for somebody," Sazh said. "Let's be real, you're the shadiest person in this room."

"How am I the shady one?"

"I dunno," Fang said. "Going back on your word about fulfilling your Focus with me then pretending all that never happened? Sounds pretty shady to me!"

"Darn," Vanille couldn't run away from her sins and accepted the award. "Most likely to become the pope goes to Dajh!"

"Awww," everyone said.

"daddy, what's a pope?" little Dajh knew not much of the world.

"So holy. Much respect. Wow," Sazh put it in simple terms. "Now go read the sentence on the paper."

Dajh tried as hard as his 5 year old self could to read the sentence. "Most likery to have a bestselling autobiographee, daddy!"

"What a coincidence!" Sazh said and took out a copy the manuscript. He accepted the award and started to list the titles of the chapters. "Chapter 1: Der Wille zur Macht. Chapter 2: Two Birthdays, One Party. Chapter 3: One Birthday, Two Parties. Chapter 4: Air Force Academy 5. Middle School Graduation. Chapter 6: Dancing with Bill Clinton. Chapter 7: The Miltian Conflict. Chapter 8: The California Gold Rush. Chapter 9: The Great Depression. Chapter 10: The Fate of a l'Cie. Chapter 11: You Shall Be as Gods. Chapter 12: The Trail of Tears. Chapter 13: Chocobo Laborers Against Irrational and Reckless Employment."

"How old ARE you?" Fang couldn't do all that math in her head.

"I've been around a long, long time," Sazh didn't want to do the math either. "Anyways, next award… most likely to make a guest appearance in Kingdom Hearts III is Mr. Hope Alexander Tiffany Stephano Estheim!"

"Yay!" Hope was happy he won something that wasn't offensive. He accepted the award. "Kingdom Hearts is a really cool series. I don't know why I won this award since I'm always being called 'uncool' and 'baka gaijin' though."

"You kidding? You're practically a reject Kingdom Hearts design!" Kairi said, not meaning to be offensive.

"Yeah, your feet aren't big enough though. So you can't be one of us," Sora said something, anything to make him feel better about his own goliath feet that make him cry tears. "Why did Lord Nomura make us this way?"

"Because we have bigger shoes to fill," Riku would tell him.

"Shut up Riku," Sora would answer.

"Mostly likely to win the lottery is Fang!" Hope announced next.

"Croikey!" Fang went up to accept the award.

"Wait, why? How?" Lightning wanted to know her secrets.

"It's my goddess, lady luck."

"I swear, Fang has the BEST luck," Vanille knew from first-hand experience. "First of all, she shouldn't even be here, she should have died back when she did The Bomb! And she wins every single sweepstake she enters and you DARE play poker with her."

"She will jack you up," Sazh cringed at the memory of losing Dajh's college savings within mere minutes.

"Where the hell were you when I was stuck playing Mexican Bingo yesterday!?" Lightning wished Fang was there.

"By any chance did you win a cheesecake, Doritos, and Kool-Aid sweepstake?" Tidus got worried.

"Yeah, lifetime supplies. Where are they!?" Fang hasn't seen her prizes.

"Oh! They should come soon," Tidus finally realized why the mailman kept dropping off all those cheesecakes, Doritos, and Kool-Aid; he had thrown them all away thinking Lightning would murder him if she saw junk food on premises.

"So you pray to this goddess? How fast are the results?" Lightning wanted to pray for a calamity to hit Laguna.

"She only speaks Pulsian though."

"Damn!"

Serah was getting worried that her name still hadn't been called, since the remaining categories were especially embarrassing. She started shaking, "Not the Amish one, not the Amish one."

"Most likely to go through an Amish phase at age 40 goes to Missy Serah," Fang read from the next envelope.

"No!" she regretted making that a category in the first place. "Haha!" they laughed at her. "This isn't fair," she accepted the award.

"Yes it is, you're the queen of phases," Lightning said. "Just wait until you're done with your 'Blonde guys' phase; you'll finally see Snow like we do. Nothing beats your Avril Lavigne phase though, holy frick," she got PTSD flashbacks of all those sleepless nights of hearing "HE WAS A SK8TER BOI" blasting through the walls.

"Hey, everyone went through an Avril Lavigne phase!" Vanille said. Never had she been more proud to be a redhead than during AV's reign in 2003.

"Hate to tell you babe, it's just a matter of time until you try going Amish," Snow knew her too well. "Hey, at least we're done with that high school phase right?"

"Snow that wasn't a phase, I graduated high school. You were THERE at the graduation!"

"Oh yeah!" it finally all made sense to him; just because he didn't go to high school doesn't mean it's a phase for those who do.

Serah wanted to get the attention off herself and quickly announced the next winner. "Most likely to destroy a talented man's potential goes to Lightning!"

"Come on, that was one time."

"Do tell," Noctis went to the kitchen to get some popcorn ready.

"What was his name sis? I can't seem to remember. Jin Uzuki?" Serah laughed.

"DON'T."

"You had a boyfriend!?" Sazh started cracking up. "Don't tell me, you liked a guy and he liked you back?"

"Oh no, they hated each other!" Serah said. "Come on sis, tell them about Uzuki-san! It's a funny story really."

"Wait! Lemme guess, he's foreign with dark hair?" Vanille checked online. "I KNEW IT."

"Fine, but don't interrupt because this is a long story," Lightning agreed. They all rearranged their chairs into a messy circle for story time. "I was 19, a few months after I joined the Guardian Corps. I was already a sergeant and most men were terrified of me-"

"Yeah, because you grafted a knife to your gun to 'save pocket space,'" Serah interrupted.

"-I was at a coffee shop and met some samurai guy. I said 'nice sword,' he said 'nice eyes' so we had a friendly sword fight and decided to go back to his place, which was some ancient Japanese dojo-turned bookstore. Turns out he's a captain in the Galaxy Federation's Special Forces Intelligence Division, whatever that means, so he has to leave for war in 3 days. So we agreed on a 3 night stand. The first night had a huge fight over how to properly pronounce the word 'karate' so I kicked him out of his house and he slept by the pond outside. The second night he threw a going-away-to-war party and people were asking who I was, yadayada. I go around telling people I'm with 'Mr. Kabuki' because I realized I don't know this fool's name; it just never came up. I sneak into his study to try to find some financial records or credit cards but god damn it's all in Japanese. So I figured…if I burn his house down he'd be on the news, then I'd know his name. So I take a tin can and a match to make a grenade and bomb the living room and voila his name's Jin Uzumaki-"

"Uzuki!" Serah corrected her.

"And there was no 3rd night because he left for the war early to get the hell away from me and word on the street's he's dead now."

"What's your secret!? How are you getting all of these guys!?" Vanille completely ignored the moral of the story.

"Just be really, really mean," Serah had found out after cosplaying as Lightning the day before.

"Oh no," Snow realized that he had won the last, and worst category.

"HA," Lightning scoffed as she opened the final envelope. "Most likely to be abducted by aliens, then returned because the aliens changed their minds goes to the Yeti himself, Snow. Come on up and accept your award you winner."

Snow took the walk of shame with a silent applause. "Not cool, come on guys, I am the leanest, largest specimen here. Why would the aliens return me? I'm the perfect test subject."

Tidus slammed his porcelain plate of chicken chop suey onto the floor, then immediately regretted it since he's the one on clean up duty. He went up to the stage of hay with his chair, made Snow sit on it, and readjusted the mic to his petite body as everyone stared at him. "Snow, I came to this farm thinking there is nothing worse than working for Lulu, aka, the Black Materia in human form. Then I met Lightning; she's a handful, but I got two hands so it's manageable. But YOU! You are constantly inconveniencing me, and everyone else! Boss says 'go take out the trash,' I have to walk 5 miles because you left the trash can in the middle of the forest for some god forsaken reason! She says, 'make me a sandwich' and the only thing in the fridge is toothpaste! I constantly have to fix the toilet because your hair straightener's still stuck in there!" Tidus let it all out.

Snow took the mic from him. "OK, I understand I have made some mistakes in the past. But as a responsible adult I would like to get right and hear your comments and suggestions. So come on up and roast me!"

Everyone, including Kairi's Kitchen, got up and formed a line for the mic as Snow sat in the roast chair. Noctis went first. "Snow, you really, really need to quit using dollar bills as Kleenex, it is illegal and wasteful, and quite frankly very disgusting."

"Then explain to me how I'm supposed to blow my nose?"

"Please, you really need to stop buying up half our supply of food before we even set up shop every day," Kairi requested.

"I made of list of things I would make out with before I would make out with Snow Villiers," Vanille got out her list. "A turtle. A printer. KPOP sensation Jaejoong of DBSK. Anybody from Organization XIII, a candle, and Yu Yevon."

"Snow. You constantly take advantage of my non-fluency of Cocoonese, teach me made up words, and I go around telling people they look 'fergalicious' like a fool!" Fang had been deceived much too many times.

"Stop stealing my phone and texting my mom quotes from Mean Girls!" Hope pleaded; he had a very hard time explaining to his mom what a "Glen Coco" was afterwards.

"Boy quit playing with my guns! They are not toys, and not eating utensils," Sazh remembered the awkward moment when we walked in on Snow eating yogurt with a gun.

"If you ever wondered whether you were Snow Villiers, here's a quiz to help," Lightning started. "If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Snow Villiers. If you ever called the fire department because your head was stuck in a chair, you might be Snow Villiers. If you ever threw your wife in a dumpster, you might be Snow Villiers. If you ever washed a computer because it had a virus, you might be Snow Villiers."

"Snowey Bear, please stop asking me to get a Nicki Minaj butt, I can't, just no," Serah stayed civil.

"Okie dokie," Snow got off the roast chair when everyone was done. "Now MY turn!"

"No!"

"If you ever burn a guy's living room to find out his name, you might be Lightning Farron. Serah, you should get back on that 30-day butt challenge. Sazh, you're the one bringing guns to the kitchen table. Fang, this is Cocoon, speak Cocoonese. Vanille, I'd rather kiss my own vomit than see you kiss Jaejoong of DBSK. Hope, too late, I already texted your mom that we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5, go try Sears. Noct, what's really unsanitary are all those cheeto crumbs in your car. Tidus, you are insane, Lulu is a sweetheart."

At this point Hope was crying, Fang walked out, Vanille was throwing tomatoes, and Sazh was throwing his guns in the garbage and Lightning was plotting Snow's demise.

Serah got back on stage. "Can somebody go out and bring back Fang?"

"She's wrecking the blitzbike!" Tidus spotted her through the window.

"Aw hell no!" Snow was about to go out and save his burden of a motorbike but was stopped by Noctis who handcuffed him to the oven handle.

When Fang finally came back in Serah tried to settle everyone down. "Ok, did we all learn a lesson?"

"What lesson!? My mom's gonna kill me!" Hope panicked.

"You see? We can be rich, have all the money in Esthar. But that doesn't mean we'll be happy. We need to stick together and be cordial and professional if we want to NOT GET POISONED TONIGHT," Serah spotted Lightning making some kind of concoction in the kitchen. "Stop," she mouthed.

"Make me."

"The Golden Globes was supposed to be a fun staff appreciation and throwback Thursday celebration but you guys turned it into a roast!" Serah continued. "So how about we treat this as the end of an era, and from tomorrow on start anew? We'll use Laguna's money and do a grand reopening of the farm! We can go all out, it will be awesome. But first, I think we should get to paying everyone for the past few months of miniscule paychecks."

They agreed and sat around the kitchen table with Lightning's new checkbook. She payed Serah first. "How much does it cost to mail order a husband from Brazil?"

"Five thousand," Vanille knew. "For me too."

Lightning proceeded to write everyone's checks, ranging from 15K-20K for the past few months since they opened.

"Oh my gosh!" Tidus couldn't believe the number written on his check. "T-this is a gold mine in Besaid because of the exchange rate. I'm rich! I'm FREE!" he spiritually unshackled the chains at his ankles and couldn't wait to get home and bribe Lulu out of his indentured servitude.

"I already sent out the fliers, our grand reopening is in 2 days and we're filming our TV special tomorrow!" Serah announced.

Next time: The Shinra News visits the farm to film a TV special!

Sorry about the extra wait for this chapter . This chapter was inspired by the Dundies and Roast episodes of The Office with several quotes from the Roast episode :)

From this chapter on it's pretty much fun and games until the end of the fic, which I've planned to be about 10 chapters more. I still got the reopening, halloween, christmas, and a few more surprises planned :)

Please review! Thank you CookieKupo and CustomEyes! :D

See you all next time ^_^