I'd laugh at the irony of the situation if I wasn't so fucking terrorized.
We are a little late and visitation hour started 15 minutes ago, so everyone is already inside. This leaves me and Piper all alone in the freezing autumn air, still shaken by our conversation in the car. Well, of course I'm only speaking about me.
Piper seems at ease. Like she's done this every month since her release. And, according to Nicky, that's exactly what she did.
Like I wasn't feeling guilty already.
So yeah, let's walk in silence together towards the Litchfield gate! And let's not think about all the discomfort, the betrayals, the deaths, the depersonalization and the hurt that we experienced in this place. And let's not even think about the real reasons why we experienced that.
Who turned who and when? We both committed mistakes and we both have our burdens to bear. In a sick way, I think we're even at least in this.
Everything that I'm doing feels unnatural. I walked out of this, I crawled out of it more than once, more dead than alive. I'm not supposed to come back. Every nerve, every muscle, every cell of my body agrees with me.
But here I am. Like a reverse dead man walking, going straight inside the beast with someone that, I'm pretty sure, would be glad to see me behind bars again. And I'm not talking about Nicky's pub and its ironic name.
So, yeah, let's walk together down horrible memory lane. In silence, of course.
Actually, the sound of my pounding heart covers the silence. At least it's still useful for something.
I'm so scared that I don't even realize that we're inside. It's the smell that reminds me exactly where we are. So familiar and so dreaded of. A mix of cheap disinfectant and human defeat.
We pass the metal detector. A female guard that I don't recognize does a sloppy physical search on us. I can't help but think about what I could have smuggled inside.
God.
I came here as a visitor only once, to see Piper. After my second betrayal and before her second one. Everything seems so different now, but also everything is just the same.
As we're approaching the door with the frosted glass I turn around and I see a guard that looks familiar. Was her name Wilma or Wanda? She looks at me. At us. She nods in Piper's direction, with a little smile. It's a small gesture, a greeting, a nod between two human beings that acknowledge each other as they've clearly done in the past.
This small stupid thing throws me over the edge. Piper, in prison, acting like she belongs in the real world, greeting the guards, like they're equals. And here I am, cautious, still angry, not willing to go past the fact that a fake guard almost killed me and a lot of other real guards didn't do anything to help me.
No, I don't belong here.
I have to go.
I feel like I'm fainting.
I stop abruptly. Piper senses it and turns around. There's determination and a hint of annoyance in her eyes.
"What are you doing?" she whispers at me.
I hear Red's voice from inside, laughing at something or someone.
"I- I—can't"
I must be pale. I feel pale.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
My brain is blank. I just want to go home.
"I can't…really I can't…" it's impossible for me to go back inside there. It's impossible just to stay here and breathe this air. I'm suffocating. And what if I have to speak with Red? What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What am I going to tell her? Am I going to ruin Nicky's inauguration? No, I can't go to the inauguration. I need to find an excuse…I have to let Nicky, Red and also Piper have fun, without me. I only cause troubles.
I take a small step back. Or maybe I've lost my balance.
Piper's stare goes directly to the guard. She grabs me by the arm and, squeezing, she drags me towards a door on the right.
As it turns out, it's the bathroom.
"Alex, what are you doing?" she dryly asks as soon as the door is closed and she's sure that no one else is in here.
"It's this fucking place…" I answer with both my hands on the sink, grabbing the edge to prevent me from falling. I'm primarily scared to fall into my fears, not into the floor.
I look at Piper's reflection on the mirror. She's looking everywhere else, but not at me.
"It's not as bad as it seems" if this is her way of cheering me up, she's doing a weak job.
"I don't think I can go in there…" I am ashamed of my words, but that's exactly how I feel. I didn't expect to freak out like this. I can't control my muscles.
"You can't pull out now" This time she looks at me through the mirror. I try to convey what I'm feeling with my eyes. There was a time where we only needed to look at each other to know how the other was feeling. The person I'm seeing right now doesn't look like someone willing to understand me.
"I'm going to wait for you in the car…" I've made my decision. I try to push myself from the sink to get my legs moving. I want to cry so badly.
Her hand on my arm stops me almost immediately. She's squeezing maybe a little bit too hard.
"Don't. You're going to regret it…" This time I'm the one refusing to look at her.
"Is this a threat?" This is my way out. I just need to upset her, it shouldn't be too hard.
But she doesn't fall for it.
"Come on Alex…you know it's the right thing to do…you know you have to do it…" she says a little too softly. I wonder if she means that I have to do it because she put her face on this or because it's the right thing to do.
Either way. She's right. But I'm also right.
"You don't know… You don't know how I'm feeling…I can't breathe Piper…it's this place…what…what if she doesn't want to see me? What…" I'm bubbling again. Her hand on my arm is the only thing keeping me in this world. The only thing that won't let me fall into the vortex of darkness that is my brain right now.
"I know. I've been through that too, but it's going to be ok… I'm gonna be there…" She says with a voice that, now I'm sure, she's using just to calm me. It is the same voice she would use to comfort an unknown child.
I almost smile.
"That's part of the problem" I say. And this is partly the truth. She immediately breaks the contact between us and removes her hand.
"I can wait outside if you want…"
I wonder for a moment if this could be a good solution. But no. I'm definitely not yet in the stage where a missing Piper is better than a fake Piper. And I feel kind of ashamed for this thought.
I snort.
"No"
I can't add anything more.
I have to do it. I have to face my fears. It's the only way to move forward.
"Let me do the talking" she says while her hands are turning the sink knob.
I have to do it. I have to.
"Put your wrists under the water…." She adds. I do as I'm told.
The freezing water is helping a little bit. I splash my face too. Luckily I didn't put the eyeliner on today.
Her warm hand on my back makes me turn around, I'm feeling like the unknown child she's trying to comfort only because he's crying and annoying everyone.
"Visiting hours are over in 15 minutes"
Another wave of panic rushes through me. But I have to do it. For Nicky. For me.
I look at Piper. Straight into her eyes, with no filters. The last time I did something like this, we were at the camp and I later regretted it and kicked myself for it for days. But now I need it. I need everything that can help.
I nod.
Let's go. Help me.
She nods back and she opens the door.
I follow her.
She opens another door.
I'm enveloped by light, people and joyful chattering. It's already too much.
I look around at the familiar environment. Everything is like when I left. The vending machines, the dirty walls. Even the same people.
I've got some eyes on me. I can feel them. I wonder what they're thinking. They're multiplying. I feel them all whispering. Is she the one who almost got killed in here? Straight from the land of the living dead? Is everything only in my head?
"Piper! You're late! I was worried you couldn't come to see me in this hell hole for the last time!" A loud joyful voice that I would recognize everywhere resonates in the room. I take a look in that direction.
And fuck. Red is not red anymore. Red is yellowish? Grey? What color is that? Besides that, she looks the same.
She has eyes only for Piper, who's walking towards her table with tentative steps. Red doesn't seem to notice me, she raises from her chair and hugs the living hell out of her. I stay two steps behind. Still. The panic isn't allowing me to feel awkward. I'm not feeling anything.
I can physically feel the moment her eyes land on me. She's still hugging Piper, but she disentangles herself quickly.
"What is she doing here?" She says without leaving my face for even one second. Her tone is harsh and sounds way more Russian than I remembered.
"Red, sit down please" Piper gently tells her and puts her hand on her shoulder in the same way she did with me a few minutes ago. I feel like a loser.
"What the hell are YOU doing with her?" This time her Russian vibe is directed only towards Piper.
"Red, please…" She says again and kind of gently pushes Red towards her chair.
Like a hawk, Red looks straight at me again, sending me darts with her eyes.
"Hi Red…" I say in a voice that sounds almost normal.
She doesn't reply, she just looks at Piper again and they communicate without words. It doesn't take a genius to understand that Red is pissed off at Piper and even a little worried about me being here with her. I wonder what does she know about me. What did Piper or Nicky tell her? On the other hand, Piper just tries to calm her. Her hand is always touching Red and, after another "Please…", Red diligently sits down, but always keeping her proud face.
This is a victory. She could have easily asked me to leave. Or, more likely, obliged me to leave.
I wait for a sign from Piper. She must have sense that because she looks at me and nods. And, by the time I reach the table. She has already taken an empty chair for me. I sit on in. My hands are on my lap. Piper is sitting on my left and my past is looking at me from the other side of the table like I'm the ghost chicken she was trying to catch my first year on this place.
"I hope you're here to apologize" She begins.
"Yes" I nod too. I'm fidgeting. My nails are leaving marks on the palm my hands for sure.
"Then do it" She demands, peremptorily.
I really don't know from where to start. And she's looking at me like…
It takes me maybe a second too much to come up with the beginning of my apology because she speaks again before me.
"Did the guard cut also your tongue?"
WHAT THE FUCK?
I gasp. Soundly. I surely wasn't expecting the red carpet, but fuck, not even this.
"Red, come on!" it's Piper voice, coming to my rescue or something like that. I've lost my words.
"You. You…" Red says pointing accusingly her finger at Piper "Once I'm out we WILL talk about this…What the hell were you thinking? An ambush?"
"It's not an ambush, come on…you know why we did it…" Piper replies.
"Nicky should have come! Not you…" Her tone is harsh.
"She's busy with the club and all…"
They're talking about me like I'm not even in the room. Like I'm some sort of annoying package that needs to be delivered and no one wants to do it.
"She should have come on her own if she really wanted to come…" this time the jab is directed at me. This time I'm ready.
"You're right, Red. But, judging by what you've just said to me, there was a high chance of you shooing me away…or of me walking out of this room…" I couldn't stop before spatting out the last part of the sentence.
"It would only prove my point"
"Your point being?"
"That you only care about yourself. Always have…"
Her words feels like a direct hit on my stomach. I sense the tears starting to burn in the back of my eyes. I won't cry. Not anymore.
"I almost died Red! They wanted to kill me! What was I supposed to do?" my words sound like a supplication.
"You should have turned to us! We were your family. That's what you do. You don't disappear without a word… do you know what we've been through?"
She's talking about a 'we', but I'm here only to talk about her. I don't want to go somewhere else. I don't want my guilt to get bigger. I came here to get rid of a small amount of the weight that I feel.
"Yes" I calmly say with my eyes pointed at the table.
"Really? Do you? Do you know that I haven't slept for weeks and that I've spent months waiting for something from you? A letter. A phone call. You sometimes wrote to Nicky, so I knew for sure that you were alive. But what about me? What about the woman who took you in as a daughter? Who protected you for years? And don't get me started on what you did to this girl here. I had to feed her. Take the fork and feed her, like a baby bird, because she was crying all day long and she didn't have the strength to eat. Did you know that?"
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"Red! Don't…" Piper's voice anticipates me. She clearly doesn't want to be exposed like that, I get that.
"No Piper, she has to know. Because I was there and she wasn't. She didn't even had the decency to notify us that she was still on the living world. And now you're all happily driving here together, like nothing has happened and you are all friendly when you were here crying because she left, again, not more than 3 months ago! Don't you learn from the past? You have to hear this too… So, Alex, did you know it?"
Nicky wrote me something once when I was in Chicago. Just once. About Piper's reaction to my incident, about other people's concern, before I banned her to do it ever again. And I've also read Piper's letters but I've never truly believed in the words written in them. But now it's different…
"Not immediately, but yes" I tell the truth.
"Then why didn't you do anything?" There's resentment in her words. I'm starting to see their side of things too. But at the time I was so involved in things like my depression and my paranoia to even think about other human beings' feelings. I was thinking more about their survival. Their survival from me.
The truth will set you free, they say.
So I start…
"I was depressed…"
"That's not a good excuse" Red interrupts me.
"Fuck Red, I've let you talk. Now you let me talk…after that, do what you want" I maybe raise my voice a little bit too much. Maybe she wasn't expecting that. But it is already so fucking difficult with the knowledge that Piper is next to me, listening to everything. At least now Red is a little offended, but silent.
"I was depressed and I was paranoid. No one believed me. Not you Red, not…" I stop before saying Piper's name. I still need a ride back to New York. "…not anyone of the family you were talking about. I was alone, scared and I was left in a pool of blood more dead than alive…" while my girlfriend was fucking someone else. I don't say it but I think it. It still burns. Even if I know that I was impossible to deal with at the time. I've accepted that. I wasn't myself. I was a walking disaster. But still…
"I was in a coma for three days. I woke up and I was thrown into Max. I would be dead if it wasn't for Nicky…" I feel Piper stiffen beside me and I see Red's face turning into stone. It's not easy for me to talk, but it's also not easy for them to listen.
"A few days after Nicky left, an inmate approached me, telling me that Kubra had given her the order to kill me in Max".
There's a gasp coming from Red's lips, and I think Piper has stopped breathing. It's clear that they both didn't know anything about this story. Nicky has kept the secret after all and I can't help but feel a surge of affection towards her.
"On the night it was supposed to happen, I went into this girl's cell, she wasn't there so I started to look around, searching for weapons…" Piper's hands are on the edge of the table and it looks like she's about to flee.
"…but what I've found were drugs" I pause. For me is really difficult to say this out loud. I take a deep breath. "I took them. I overdosed" Piper pushes and the chair slides behind. She's about to stand up and walk away.
I put my hand on her knee, without thinking. I need to stop her. I need to touch her. She has to know everything at this point. I keep talking, fast, as I squeeze her leg, hard. Red has a hand in front of her mouth.
"I don't know how, but I survived. Figueroa got me secretly transferred to Chicago. I've spent a lot of time in isolation… she came someti-"
I feel the shift under my hand. Piper gets on her feet and my hand loses the contact with her thigh.
"I'm waiting outside" she says and not me nor Red can say anything at all. She's already out of the door before we even have the time to realize it.
I'm half-scared and half-relieved.
I look at Red.
Do we acknowledge it?
"So what about the evil Fig?" she asks after a few seconds, ignoring Piper's exit. Her tone is way less harsh than before.
"She came to visit. Once in a while. To make sure I was still alive. She knew about the threats…she helped me…"
"What threats?" Red asks. Fuck, I've said too much. I wasn't supposed to let her know this. Even if it's over. It was a secret I wanted to keep from everyone. I don't want them to know that they risked their life just because they knew me and I loved them. I take another big breath, I'm becoming like Piper.
"Kubra. He said he was going to kill everyone who was… connected to me and then, you know…kill me…" I can't look at her face right now.
I swallow. I fight the tears.
"Proklyatyy!" She almost shouts. I don't know what it means, but I like the sound of it. "That bastard!" I almost smile. It's been a long time since I've talked about it with someone. Only Nicky and Fig know about it. And the federal government, of course.
"Yes but, you know…nothing happened, so…it's good…"
She has this way of looking at me, so intense. I melt.
"It's not good, not good… where is he now?"
"Dead. Everyone I knew is dead, or in prison. The cartel is dismantled …"
She doesn't say anything for a while. I'm nervously shaking my leg under the table. She doesn't move her eyes from me.
"Are you safe?"
She's using the same words Piper used when we were talking in her cabin, just before I let her clean my legs from the thorns and the blood. Even there, I almost burst into tears. I turn my head and I try to look at the ceiling. I cannot talk right now, so I just nod.
"Good, that's good Alex"
I keep nodding, I do not dare to speak or look at her.
"I still think you should have called or write, but it's good" I can feel the affection in her words. So I turn around with a smile. She's smiling back. Something inside of me warms up. I wasn't feeling like this in a long time. I clear my throat.
"I know but…I didn't want to risk it. Contacting you meant putting you at risk. And I was already doing it with Nicky. I couldn't use the phone or the mail system. I gave Figueroa the letters for Nicky and she gave me the ones from her… she did everything in secret and in person, she was the only one who knew…" I never meant to go into details, but now that I've seen an opening, I want her to know, to understand. So much.
She smiles at me with a mischievous smile.
"Figueroa was you mule!" she says matter of factly.
God. I laugh, hard. Together with Red. I never thought about it that way, I am mostly deeply grateful with that not-so-evil woman. But yeah, I can see the irony in it.
I've never thought my meeting with Red could end like this. Especially after the way it started.
So, when our laughs fade, I tell her what I came here to tell her.
"I should have called you. When it was over, after the witness protection and Kubra's death. I should have come here…to explain…or just to…see you… I knew you were worried… I'm sorry"
I look at her while I speak, hoping to show her my honesty. She's listening to me with a serene face that has nothing to do with the face she was sporting at the beginning of our talk.
"Then why didn't you?" she asks.
Now it comes the hard part.
"I- I was a coward. I was still angry. I was ashamed. Afraid of your judgement. After I almost… " I still cannot say out loud that I kind of tried to kill myself "after the overdose…I couldn't…I felt betrayed by…her… I wasn't strong enough…" It looks like I cannot even say Piper's name anymore.
"Last two minutes! Visit hour is over!" the voice of a guard interrupts me.
I resume. "It was easier to pretend that part of my past didn't exist anymore. You were better off without me…"
"Don't say that! Never say that!" I didn't even realize that my hand was on the table and her hand was covering mine.
I look at her without adding anything else. There's too much. There so much more to talk about. But this is not the time or the place. I think she has the same feeling because she seems to accept my explanation and then changes the subject.
"Are you clean now?"
"Five years. Yeah"
We smile at each other.
"We need to talk about this again. Once I get out, you owe me a dinner at a fancy place. To make the apologies more official, of course"
I laugh.
"Of course. And I already got you a little something…from my new job…you know, I'm an art dealer right now…"
"I know everything about you. Nicky told me. I just hope is something good"
"Russian and special" I wink.
"Visit hour is over! Do to some technical problems, all the visitors are requested to follow the guards to exit the parameters of the Litchfield prison grounds. Please follow the guards"
I'm on my feet immediately. If they tell me to follow the guards, I still always sprint. Too many years behind the bars. I reach the other side of the table, where Red is raising up from her chair too.
She looks behind me, to check on something. Or someone.
"Don't be too harsh on her…" I don't need names to know who she's talking about.
"I'm not doing anything…" and it's true. I'm really not doing anything.
"Atonement. You two can only hurt each other so much" I don't know what she means by that. But there's no time to ask. Piper's probably coming this way.
"I don't want to hurt her" I look at Red straight in the eyes. I want her to believe me, because if something is true, is this. I'm done. I've discovered this summer that, the more I hurt her, the more I get hurt too. And I'm done with that. I'm done with pain and suffering. I'm fucking done.
"So let it go. It's easier" I'm still not sure what she's talking about. My job? My resentment?
"She isn't talking to me"
Red just looks at me. Clearly not telling me something that she's trying to tell me with her eyes. She looks again behind me. This time I'm pretty sure that Piper's on her field of view.
"Just promise me that you're going to go easy on her" she quickly whispers.
I nod. Even if I want to tell her badly that is Piper who should go easy on me. And she doesn't know what happened at the camp. I don't want her to picture me as the only bad wolf.
I don't need to turn around to know that Piper is beside me. I can feel her.
Red just slaps me softly on the cheek. She doesn't hug me and I'm glad for it, I don't know if I would be able to resist the urge to cry.
"See you outside, red head"
I smile back. I can do that.
"Bye, Red"
"Come here you, kid. Let me give you a kiss"
She doesn't give Piper the time to bend, she has already taken her into her arms. And she's whispering something in her ear. I only see Piper nodding. I take a few steps towards the other visitors because I want to give them some privacy since Red is probably telling her something about me.
It's a strange sensation, but I'm glad she's doing it.
"Visit hour is over! Do to some technical problems, all the visitors are requested to follow the guards to exit the parameters of the Litchfield prison grounds. Please follow the guards"
The inmates are walking in order through a door on the right, the one that leads to the sleeping quarters.
The visitors are being gathered on the right side of the room.
I see Red cross that door for probably the last time. And I'm really happy for her, I know what it means to leave the fucking prison. I can't wait to leave even if I'm not a prisoner anymore.
After a few moments, Piper joins me in the group of 20 or so people. I feel like the worst is over. I'm still a little shaken by everything. Having to say those things. Reliving the worst moments of my life, feeling the guilt for the pain I've inflicted on other people. It's not good. But Red smiled at me. She took my hand. She said that we're going to dinner once she's outside. This means that I can be at Nicky's inauguration and, most importantly, that Red had forgiven me. Or at least she has begun to do so.
I swear I'd never thought that it would matter that much to me, but there's nothing now that could ruin my mood.
"If you'll follow me, please" A loud guard's voice cuts the chatting noise of the room. "The entrance is unfit due to some leaky pipes, so now we'll have to go to the other exit. It's not that far from the parking lot. We are sorry for the inconvenience. We ask you not to touch anything and not to wander around. Just follow me please" and he starts to walk. Towards the same right door where Red disappeared a few minutes ago.
My heart has stopped the moment he said "other exit". I don't know what he said after that, but I know what he is referring to. There's only another exit. And to go there, we have to… oh fuck.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
A/N: It's literally full on Christmas night here and I did try my best to finish this chapter, but I couldn't. I've promised some of you to post something for the big day, so I've decided to split the chapter in two. Consider this the first part of my xmas present for you… the second one is coming super soon and it's the "real" gift. Happy whatever festivities you're celebrating! XOXO