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Chapter 34
Emily sat at her desk with a file open before her, yet her eyes refused to focus on the words. She had re-read the same paragraph several times and still couldn't recall any details about it. She found herself glancing up to the closed door of Hotch's office every so often. Part of her wanting to see JJ emerge from within, the other part wanting to be anywhere but sitting and watching for that door to open. She knew that there was every possibility that when the young blonde exited the office, she would walk right on past and in doing so, reject her once more. Emily wasn't sure she could face that rejection again.
It had taken all her will power to walk away from the private hospital JJ had been in and come back to the BAU. She had asked Hotch to submit her for her psych evaluation as soon as she returned, wanting to get back to work as soon as possible. While she knew she wouldn't be able to return to the field straight away, even working at a desk was a better option than having so much time alone at home. Time alone meant time with her thoughts which was something Emily wanted to avoid as much as possible while everything was in such turmoil. Passing the psych evaluation had been relatively simple. The questions were all designed to assess whether or not the agent was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and whether they would be able to cope with the rigors of their job. As a profiler, Emily knew the answers to give to pass the test, even if all her answers had not been completely honest. It had served to allow the brunette to return to the BAU and immerse herself in work which was exactly what Emily believed she needed.
Then when JJ had returned to Washington, the brunette had to face a whole new challenge. She'd catch parts of conversations held by others in the team about JJ's recovery. Yet she could never bring herself to participate in them herself or to enquire about whether the blonde ever asked about her. Each day that passed held the hopes of a phone call or a message from the blonde. She always wondered if today would be the day that Garcia would come in and tell her that JJ had asked after her. Yet each day that passed brought no attempts at communication. Each day that passed without any attempt at renewing their relationship dashed her hopes that little bit more, slowly eating away at her faith that things could ever be repaired between them.
It was after Emily had heard Garcia telling Rossi how JJ was so much better and that her parents had headed back to Pennsylvania that she knew the time was fast approaching when the blonde would return to the BAU. It was with that knowledge that Emily had made her decision. The thought of spending every day so close to the blonde and yet knowing she was a constant reminder of the horrors she had been subjected to at the hands of Foyet was too much. The brunette knew that if she looked into those blue eyes and saw only pain reflecting back at her from the depths that had once held hidden promises of so much more it would hurt too much to face every day. It would be too hard.
Writing her resignation from the BAU had been the second hardest letter that she had ever written. The hardest one sat in the bottom drawer of her desk, the letter she had written to JJ in case anything ever happened to her. The letter that Foyet had used in his games. The envelope was creased and stained yet when Hotch had offered it back to her, she had accepted it. The letter held words that still rang true, despite everything that had transpired and she couldn't bring herself to dispose of it. So she had placed it in the drawer of her desk on that day and it remained there.
As the door opened and JJ stepped out, Emily's attention snapped up to the blonde. She watched as the young woman looked down over the desks in the bullpen. When blue eyes met brown across the room, they each held the gaze for a moment. It felt like time had slowed down for that moment, giving each woman the opportunity to take in the other. Emily felt her hopes raise once more as the younger woman took a step towards the steps down towards her. She could feel her heart rate pick up slightly as the prospect of having contact with the blonde after so long. Yet as quickly as her hopes had been raised, they were dashed as JJ broke their eye contact and turned the other way to leave the room. Leaving Emily to stare after her retreating form. The belief that despite everything they had been through, Foyet had still beaten her. He had still managed to take the most important things from her life.
JJ met Emily's eyes as she left Hotch's office. As soon as she laid eyes on the profiler she wanted to march across the bullpen and shout at the brunette for leaving. She wanted to ask her why she was leaving her. She wanted to beg her to stay. To apologise and tell her that she didn't blame her. To tell her that when she looked at her, she didn't relive everything that had happened in that basement. To tell her that it was her face that had kept her going. It was staying focused on the image of those deep brown eyes that always held such compassion and caring that gave her the strength to keep fighting.
She took that first step that would lead her back to the woman she so desperately wanted to be close to and then froze. The images of Foyet kneeling over the brunette's prone form as he mocked her flooded her mind, serving as a reminder why she had sent the other woman away in the first place. JJ dropped her gaze and turned to leave the bullpen quickly. Not trusting her resolve if she had kept looking into those brown eyes that she knew would now hold fresh pain. A pain that she had been the cause of once more.
As Thursday came around, JJ found herself sitting in the sterile looking waiting room outside the psychiatrist's office of the FBI. The walls were painted white and held a few scattered images or nature that had been selected to act as calming influences on the people who would look upon them. Images of perfectly still lakes and bays, no doubt selected to avoid having a single wave or sign of disturbance so as to attempt to instil a sense of calm to even those minds that were struggling with maintaining an inner peace. JJ couldn't help but feel the images were out of place in a building that dealt with the worst examples of humanity. Believing that having a minor imperfection in the image would provide a more realistic representation of what you should be aiming for in your own mind.
"Agent Jareau?" The voice that came from the now open office door drew the blonde's attention from the images on the opposite wall. JJ stood and followed the man into the office before seating herself into the chair. She had never understood why people wanted to lie on a couch when talking to a psychiatrist. It was bad enough having to expose your innermost thoughts and feelings without the added feeling of exposure from being in such a vulnerable position.
"I'm Dr Clarke. I see that you are here for your evaluation before returning to work with the BAU." The man sat back in his chair and drew his eyes up from the file to regard the young agent before him. "How long have you been working with the BAU?"
"Six years." JJ answered without hesitation. These were the easy questions she knew. The harder questions would come a bit later, once the man sitting across from her felt like he had eased her into the session.
"That's a long time to be with such a demanding department. Have you ever considered changing departments?"
"I have on a couple of occasions."
"Yet you never have. Why?"
JJ thought for a moment about how best to word her answer. "I considered leaving when I'd been doing the job for a few years. I had been recruited right out of the academy and initially you believed you would make such a difference to the world. After a few years it seemed like there was no end. Each time we caught one unsub, another file would land on my desk. Seeing what we do day after day, I think we've all questioned if we should keep doing it at least once. When my son was born I questioned if it was still the right job for me. As for why I have never left despite having considered it...We still do good. Every time we catch an unsub, we stop them. They might have claimed two or three or twenty victims before they reach our attention but we stop them from claiming any more. We give closure to families and sometimes we save people who had been taken. That's why I keep doing it. For all the people we can save either from suffering physically or emotionally."
"How do you cope with the ones you can't save?"
JJ was quiet for a brief moment. "You remember them. Maybe not all their names and faces clearly but the memory of them remains. It is because of those victims that we are able to catch the unsub. They provide us with the pieces of the puzzle we need. Once we have caught that unsub, you move on. You can't dwell on the ones we were unable to save. You have to believe that by finding them, you have given them peace."
"How long have you been off work?"
There was no need for a pause here. The date would forever be a part of JJ's memory. "Six weeks."
"Do you have nightmares about your experience?"
JJ didn't hesitate in answering the question, knowing that honesty was the best approach. "When I first came back from the hospital I did but they have become less frequent as time goes on."
"When was your last nightmare?"
JJ thought for a moment. She could still recall the way her heart was racing and her whole body had broken out into a cold sweat as she woke from her uneasy sleep. The images of Foyet's face still fresh in her mind. So clear that it didn't fade until she had reached over to turn the light on to reveal she was alone in her own bedroom. "About a week ago." She watched as the psychiatrist made some annotations on the file that lay on the desk between them.
"Do you have a regular sleep pattern?"
"Yes." JJ didn't feel the need to elaborate on the question. Having spent so many years in the BAU, she knew that the more you said, the more you revealed about yourself. Knowing that the man sitting opposite her making notes on a file would decide whether or not she got to return to work and start to rebuild her life served as a reminder of why to keep the information provided to a minimum.
"When you are awake, do you ever experience flashbacks?"
"Not since I left the hospital."
The doctor nodded before turning back to the file for a moment before making eye contact once again. "How often do you think about your time in captivity?" The psychiatrist watched the young agent as the question was posed, trying to identify any physical reactions to the questions that would reveal more about her frame of mind.
"I have thought about it but not often." JJ saw the man nod as his attention turned back to her file.
"Have you spoken to anyone about what happened to you?"
JJ nodded. "I have spoken to a private psychiatrist since leaving the hospital."
"Was it your choice to see someone?"
"Partially. My dad wanted me to talk to someone about what had happened." As she spoke, JJ watched the pen moving across the file and knew she needed to elaborate to ensure the doctor understood the full situation. "My sister committed suicide when she was a teenager. My dad has always wondered if he could have done more. If he missed something that could have given a warning about what was to happen. So when this happened, all his fears and doubts resurfaced and he wanted to make sure he had done everything he could to protect me. While he asked me to see someone, I already knew I needed to. If there's one thing you learn while working with a team like the BAU, it is how important it is to have a way to find a release. A way to deal with everything that you see and experience on a daily basis."
"How do you deal with the stress and emotional burden of your job?"
"I go home and I see my son. When I look at him, I know that it is worth it. That everything we see and deal with results in the world being a slightly safer place. That someone somewhere could very well be looking down at their own son which wouldn't have happened if we didn't come to work every day. When I'm at work, I am part of a team which is more like a family. We all look out for each other and listen when someone needs to talk."
"You mentioned your team as a family. Have you spent much time with them since you have been home?"
"I have spent quite a lot of time with Garcia. The others have stopped by when they have been able to."
"So have you had a lot of time on your own?"
"My parents stayed with me for the first stages of my recovery as I needed assistance while my injuries healed. Since they went home, I guess the days are spent with mainly Henry."
"Since your parents left, have you felt any anxiety about being alone in the house?"
"I feel safe in my own home. When I go out, I'm not looking over my shoulder and wondering when something will happen. I experienced something that is unimaginable for many people but I'm still here. It would have been so easy to just give up when in that basement but I had reasons to keep fighting. I could have died in the dark but I didn't. He did. George Foyet is gone and he didn't win. I'm not going to live my life in fear of shadows and memories. If I did, he would win and I might as well still be in that basement."
The psychiatrist sat back in his chair and studied the young agent. JJ could feel his gaze taking in every detail about her posture in his search for information left unsaid. After a moment, he turned his attention back to the file on the desk. "In your file it says you are in a relationship and yet you haven't mentioned your partner. Have there been changes in your relationship since your experience?"
JJ thought for a moment about how best to phrase her response. She knew that one of the signs they looked for was a sudden change in personal relationships and yet she didn't want to reveal the full reasons for the breakdown of the relationship between herself and Will. "My relationship was already at an end before everything that happened. I was waiting for the right time to end it. What I went though wasn't the cause of the relationship ending."
"Did you find yourself more angry and easily irritated in recent times? Perhaps leading to your separation from your partner finally happening?"
The young blonde had been angry at Will but with just cause. "No. The separation happened because we had drifted apart. He wasn't who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."
"Do you feel any anger towards your team for them not trying to make a deal with Foyet?"
"No. If they had tried to make a deal, it would have given him more power."
"It could have resulted in your release." The phrase came out as more of a statement than a question.
"You're wrong. Foyet would have never released me voluntarily. There was a greater power in him keeping me than in any deal he could have been offered. He would have played along and manipulated as many people as possible but I'd still have been there." JJ kept her voice steady as she spoke.
"Were you angry with Agent Prentiss for going against procedure and putting herself at risk?"
Yes was the first thing that sprang into JJ's mind but she couldn't give that answer. "At first I was."
"And now?"
"I understand her motivation. While I was angry when it happened, she saved me." JJ's voice held a quieter tone as she finished her statement, the truth of it weighing heavily on her mind. She knew that if Emily hadn't put herself in that situation, she would have given up and never made it out of that basement. Yet she would have never wished the brunette into danger or wanted her to experience any of the pain she did as a result of her decision.
"How so?"
"She refused to give up and that gave me the strength to keep fighting." JJ stopped herself from completing the statement aloud. In her mind she did continue her statement...I couldn't watch her die without doing everything I could to try and save her. She knew that sharing that part of information would lead to more questions she was unwilling to answer with an FBI psychiatrist.
The doctor sat back in his chair after making a few last notes. He regarded the young agent before him for a moment before speaking. "I think that you will be able to return to your post Agent Jareau. I do want to have another meeting with you in a month's time to re-evaluate the situation and ensure you are still managing your experiences alongside the additional stress of your post. While you show some signs of PTSD, I believe you are managing them at this time. I'll be sending my full report to your SAIC with my recommendations. Do you have any questions?"
JJ felt the relief flood through her body at hearing that she would be able to return to work, return to her family and start the process of re-establishing a sense of normality in her life once more. "No."
The doctor nodded. "My report will be with Agent Hotchner by the end of the week." The doctor stood and walked over to the door. JJ followed and shook his hand on the way out. "Good luck Agent Jareau. I'll see you in a month."
"Thank you." JJ turned and walked down the hall, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. The doubts she had been having about being able to return to work alleviated.