A/N: I don't confess to be a romantic...but I think I did something in this chapter that suggests differently...thanks for the reviews and likes and adds. You guys are so amazing! :)

Chapter 37: Just Give Me a Reason (P!nk feat. Fun.)

I just needed out.

Things were just too much for me, right now.

I felt crowded and pressured from every direction.

I just needed space.

Brittany's POV

I shouldn't even be helping her with this.

Am I insane?

Well...a little...but still...if at any time in my life...when it came to the woman I wanted to marry, I had every right to be selfish.

But I wasn't.

I couldn't be.

And it was kind of pissing me off.

I picked up Frankie and Benny on my way to the theater.

She looked frustrated as she wiped his face with her hands.

He looked like he was having a bad morning.

And from the feeling in my stomach, I knew that it was probably a sign.

I should have known the moment that I woke up to Ana sitting over me with her journal in her hands, that today was a lost cause.

Frankie was busy getting Benny situated in Izzy's car seat while I thought about my morning.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Doesn't seem like I have a choice." I groaned as I sat up in bed.

Ana was sitting there just hovering and it was really annoying.

I had been up until midnight with Izzy and I was tired.

So being awaken at five wasn't something that I was happy about.

But from the looks of it, Ana hadn't slept at all.

The dark circles under her eyes and the way they looked all bloodshot told me so.

"No...you do have a choice. I can wait."

I had seen what waiting did to her.

Drugs. Lies. Violence.

"No...we can talk. Maybe while I shower?"

She nodded and slid down from the bed.

"I'll get it started for you."

Yep.

It definitely wasn't going to be a good morning.

"Hey, Britt..you okay?" I realized that Frankie was waving her hand in front of my face when I heard a car horn.

I had totally spaced out.

"Yea...sorry. My mind is all over the place."

"What's wrong?"

"Ari and Ana."

"Oh."

I had told Frankie all about the relationship between the two women and she told me that sometimes she feels like that about me.

And I get that...I was obsessed with her when I first met her.

But I put a wall up.

Why can't they?

"I just wish they would go at it already...just have sex and get it out of their system."

"Seriously?" Frankie said as she looked at me in shock. "Did that work the day that Santana had me in her bedroom...did it help you get me out of your system?"

"Of course it didn't."

"Then maybe that idea won't work for them."

My head was aching as I tried to figure out how I was going to deal with Ari.

I had told her to keep Gloria out of it, not to protect Ari but to protect Gloria.

That girl didn't deserve to hurt like I was.

I, at least was a little used to it, but from the way she was freaking out yesterday, Gloria definitely wouldn't be able to handle this.

"Go in...I'll be in...I just need a moment."

Frankie nodded as she took Benny inside.

I was pacing on Broadway like a crazy person as I tried to figure out my head.

My phone buzzed and even though I wanted to ignore it, I couldn't, not with Ana watching the kids.

I trusted her but things happen.

I know that now.

Just got to Mami's she's going with me to the hotel.-Ana

Thnks.-Britt

You okay? Are we okay?-Ana

No and maybe.-Britt

:/-Ana

I cn't lie.-Britt

Thanks for telling me the truth. Try and have a good morning. See you for lunch?-Ana

Dnnr.-Britt

Oh ok. Dinner.-Ana

Ily-Britt

I love you too, B. :)-Ana

When I got to the stage, Ari was already dressed in her leotard and leaping in the air.

She was all alone, even though this was an official rehearsal day and then I remembered that we were about two hours early.

I stood down near the edge of the stage and knocked on the stage.

Ari came down from her leaping and walked to the edge of the stage.

"Hey...do you need me to do something specific?"

"No...right now you and I need to talk...we can start dancing in a little while, when everyone gets here."

"Oh...okay."

Ari swallowed hard and then turned towards the side of the stage so that she could meet me at my office.

I looked around the theater and could see that the set team had already been here, that was good.

This plan would work out.

But I needed to make sure that my relationship was still there when this was over.

I needed to deal with what could break us because if Ana did...I don't think things would go well.

Frankie was right this couldn't be solved with sex.

That had been my first solution but it didn't really help me.

Things like this had to be dealt with carefully and sex just wasn't it.

Them having sex would hurt a lot of people. It wasn't like when I was still cheating...where I was just doing it quietly...this would just be messy.

So definitely no sex.

No...this was something that couldn't be solved overnight but Ari needed to know that I was putting my foot down.

I had given her so much room to be open and free with Ana but now we had to draw a line.

Because it was going to lead to something more.

When I finally made my way up to my office, Ari was sitting on my couch looking like she wanted to cry.

I dropped my duffel bag next to my desk and then shut my door.

She looked up at me and tried to smile but it looked wrong when her eyes were showing me so much sadness.

"I'm a terrible person, Britt."

"Don't do that...I can't...deal with that. I can't pity you right now. Lets just talk."

I held up my hands so she could see that I was serious.

My head hurt too much to try and think of ways to boost up her feelings.

In fact, that was the opposite of what I wanted to do.

Right now I wanted to push her down a flight of stairs for wanting what was mine, but that wouldn't solve anything.

When had I become so possessive of Ana?

Had I always been this way?

"Okay." She said as she scooted over on the couch.

But I just couldn't sit.

I needed to stand, in fact, I needed to stand across the room, against my desk so that I didn't hurt her.

That's how angry I was about the whole situation.

"You look like you want to eat me alive." Ari said with a chuckle.

"Don't laugh...this isn't funny. None of it is."

Her face got serious again as she looked at me with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, Britt."

"When I first met you...I didn't like you. I think I have made that clear to you but still when you needed me, I gave your life back to you. I got you the audition for this job and I have let you get as close to my wi...um...fiance as you wanted. I never complained but now its out of control and it needs to stop."

I looked at her and waited for her to say something but she just sat there with her mouth half open and looked in my eyes with...anger?

Was she mad at me for telling her the truth?

She had no right.

Right?

"I really wish that you hadn't just thrown saving my life into this."

Her voice was cold as she looked at me.

Up until now I didn't really see much of Ana in Ari but now she was looking at me...well through me and I could see Ana staring back at me.

She was on her feet now looking at me with squinted eyes.

But I didn't feel guilty.

"Okay...maybe not. I'm sorry I said that. I just need you to see that you and Ana can't happen."

She was in front of me now, pointing a finger at her chest as her eyes watered.

"Don't you think I know that? I wish that I could stop how I feel. Make my heart love Gloria the way that I love Santana but it's not that fucking simple. I can't just magically make it stop."

"If I could stop feeling like that about Frankie than you can about Ana."

I felt like my argument was falling flat.

Ari's eyes were starting to intimidate the crap out of me.

"What you felt for Frankie isn't even half as strong as the feelings that I have for her or that she has for me. Isn't that what this is really about? You know that she can't stop her feelings so you are trying to get me to stop. Are you too afraid to tell her she can't see me anymore? Is that what this is?"

Yes.

"No. I just want you to try to stop them."

Now she was yelling and shaking her hands in front of her.

"I am! I am trying so fucking hard!" She screamed before dropping to her knees and crying into her hands. "I-I fucking tried so hard that I pressured Gloria into letting me take her virginity." She was sobbing now.

It was one of those rare moments when I remembered that Ari had feelings.

Sometimes she is so cold and stiff that I forget that she can feel stuff.

And now I felt like crap.

Now my head was screaming at me to sit down.

I back up from her and sat against my desk.

What could I say to that?

There were no words.

I just wished that I had let Ana come like she wanted to.

Because she would know the perfect thing to say.

But I wasn't her and I had no clue how to make my lead dancer get up from the floor of my office.

How was I going to motivate her to put her heart into dancing now?

Thank God for Frankie.

She knocked on the door just as I was feeling like I wanted to jump out of the window.

"Britt...the cast is here and ready to rehearse...oh and Frank is in a pissy mood...so I wouldn't waste any time getting down to the stage."

Something that I loved about Ari was that she was a professional.

Because just like that she was on her feet wiping her face clean.

"Ar-" I went to speak...to say what, I wasn't even sure exactly but she held up her hand and cut me off.

"Enough of this...I'll back off. After this show is done...and my mom goes home. I will back off. I promise."

And suddenly the weight of her words was way too heavy.

This was not good.

Ana was going to be pissed.

Because I think I pushed Ari passed the point where she could just be friends like Quinn.

Now she was either going to be spiteful or she was just going to not talk to Ana at all.

Either way was going to suck.

"That's not wh-" I went to say but she just shook her head and then stormed out of my office.

When the door slammed I felt my head nearly explode.

This was definitely not a good day.

Santana's POV

"So how are you feeling, Titi Lydia?" I sat with the woman who taught me how to cook and who had been a second mother to me and felt my heart clench in my chest.

"I'm tired, Anita. I've never felt so tired in all of my life." She laughed and then pressed her fingers to her temples before looking up at me.

Her greyish hazel eyes were exactly the same as Ari's.

She was so beautiful and even in her pain, she still had an air of confidence.

"So it's too much to ask if you enjoyed the plane ride?"

"Ay mija, it was the first plane ride I had since Ariana was just out of diapers. What...fifteen years or so...it was peaceful."

"And your stay here last night?"

"Everything is great. Thank you for doing this."

"It wasn't just me, Titi. Everyone had something to do with it...including Arita."

"Ay, Ariana...she seemed so troubled. I hate that I am doing this to her."

"Titi, nobody blames you."

"I know my daughter, Anita and even if she doesn't tell you so, she's mad at me for this. I knew about her Cancer coming back and I didn't even call. I was so judgmental of her and of you...so I know she's mad at me."

"When you say that you were judgmental...does that mean...that...you changed your mind?"

"I hadn't. Not until I saw that ring on your finger and that baby in your arms."

Mami had the kids down in the lobby while she waited for Pa to show up, so that I could have some time to just talk to Titi Lydia. I needed to talk to her about Ari and the disowning because I knew that they were both too proud to bring it up by themselves.

"How so?"

That hadn't been the answer that I was expecting.

"When I was coming up...there was no gay marriage and the idea of gays having families of their own was impossible. Then I saw you, getting ready to get married, holding your daughter. And it hit me...that you are no different from me. You love Brittany enough to raise your children with her and build a life with her, just like me and Gabriel. When you were with my nephew...you were never this happy. Now...you are glowing and even though she seemed so sad...I see my daughter glowing. Has she found love?"

She never lost it, I thought to myself but then realized that I couldn't say that.

There was enough issue with me telling Britt.

So I just smiled and nodded my head.

"Yes...she's in love with a great woman who loves her so much."

"And she's happy?"

"Yes."

"Then, I am happy for her. Just promise me something?"

"Okay?"

"Promise me that you will look out for her when I'm gone. Love her even in moments when she doesn't love herself."

"I promise you, she will always feel loved."

"Thank you, mija."

"Titi...see." Isaac held up Elmo shirt so that she could see it. "I wuv Ewmo."

"God bless him." She said as she turned back to her conversation with Mami.

I was sitting on the floor changing Daniela's diaper while Isaac talked to Mami and Titi.

"Santana...I think he has to use the bathroom."

My head snapped up and sure enough, Isaac was holding himself and doing a dance.

I scooped up Daniela and handed her to Mami while I helped my son find a bathroom.

Soon enough I would have Daniela doing this too.

Potty training two toddlers at the same time, was definitely not something that I thought about when I decided to get pregnant again.

In the kids bathroom there is a special toilet seat so that Isaac doesn't fall into the toilet and since this wasn't home, I had to stand over him and practically hold him about the toilet seat.

He rested his head against me and began to sing to himself.

After what seemed like an eternity he stopped singing.

"I finished."

I sighed in relief because my knuckles were screaming at me to not move them anymore but it was impossible.

Once Isaac was clean enough, I lifted him so he could wash his hands, he really just played with the bubbles on his hands but at least there was soap involved. I couldn't stand a kid with sticky hands.

Ugh.

"Down Mami!"

"Fine."

I tried not to be offended.

I opened the bathroom door and let him run back into the hotel room.

When I went to step out, I was being pushed backwards.

Before I could see who was pushing me the door was closing and I was being pressed against the wall.

"What the fuck?" I said as I looked up into Ari's eyes.

"I fucked up." She said to me with wild eyes.

She looked out of breath as she stared at me.

"What happened?"

"I was just trying to fix things...but I think I made it worse. I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Fight this. Lie to myself." There were tears in her eyes as she looked at me.

I put my hands on her face and held her there because I knew that she was going to try to kiss me and I just couldn't let her do that.

"Arita...calm down."

"No! I can't...don't you see...we have been fooling ourselves."

"Stop it. We said we would try...this isn't trying."

My will power was weakening as she pressed me against the wall.

I wanted her here and now, but we couldn't.

And just like her timing...my phone started ringing.

The ringtone told me immediately that it was Britt.

I reached for my phone but Ari grabbed my hand before I could.

"Ariana...please? We need to think clearly."

"I am thinking clearly...for the first time in my life...I think." She said with a hysterical laugh.

My phone went off again and I pulled my hand away.

I managed to grab my phone and answer it before Ari could make another move.

"Is she there?"

As she yelled into the phone I could tell that Britt was beyond pissed off.

"Y-yea." I stuttered as Ari stared into my eyes.

She was scaring me.

I didn't like this one bit.

"Tell her that if she doesn't get back to the theater in the next ten minutes that she's fired."

Ari's face dropped when she heard the coldness in Britt's voice

She took a step back and looked at me with fear in her eyes.

If she thought that she had fucked up before,

Now it was really getting serious.

"She heard you, B."

"It's nine minutes now. Tick tock."

Britt hung up in my ear and even though it made me feel like shit that she used me as a messenger, I got it.

Her ass was on the line and Ari was making things personal, Britt had lost this job once and was not going to lose it again.

"You better go...I know you don't want to lose that job."

"I'm not going to change my mind about us. Britt wants war...she's fucking got it."

What the fuck just happened?

Were they fighting over me?

Was that even necessary?

I had no idea what was going on but I wasn't going to let their shit ruin things for Titi.

Gloria's POV

I showed up to the theater around lunch time with my mom and sister.

Ari hadn't been answering her phone all morning and so I called Brittany and she told me to come by.

We sat in the back row and silently watched as Ari and Tucker moved across the stage to an Alicia Keys song.

I felt my stomach tighten as I remembered what I had done with Ari the night before.

She was graceful even then.

But on stage...she was like a bird, all graceful and carefree.

There was something wrong though.

And it was written all over her face.

She looked frustrated, especially when Brittany would pause the music to show Ari how she wanted something done.

There was almost a murderous glare to her look.

Brittany though for her part looked equally as angry.

Something was definitely up and I was now second guessing whether I wanted my mom and sister here with me.

"So that's her?" Mama asked as she watched Ari move.

"Yes."

"Wow, sissy, she is really hot. Wow. If I was gay...I'd totally go after her."

I looked at my baby sister like she was out of her mind.

"Aren't you in enough trouble as it is?"

"What? Your future niece or nephew is not trouble." She rubbed her little belly that had been news to me this morning.

"Maybe if you were old enough to take care of it."

"Mama?" She whined.

My mom was ready to interject but Ari took care of that for her.

She and Brittany were standing dangerously close to each other and yelling really loud.

I heard my name a few times and then Santana's and I knew that I needed to get my mom out of there.

"We should go."

I grabbed my purse and went to stand but then Ari was calling my name.

I froze and looked towards the stage and Ari broke into a smile.

I looked at my mom and she just nudged me forward.

"Go on up there...she's calling you."

"Come with me?" I held out my hand until Mama took it.

I had a feeling that both Brittany and Ari would behave if I had back up.

At least that was my prayer.

The moment that Ari met my mom and sister, it was like she forgot all about arguing with Brittany.

"So have you guys eaten?"

I shook my head no and she looked over at Brittany.

"Go ahead...but be right back here by two so that we can work through this number with the rest of the girls."

Ari nodded and then wrapped her arm around my shoulder and led us off the stage.

She was definitely upset but I already knew that I wasn't going to get anywhere with her while my family was around.

So all through lunch I had to sit there while she charmed my mom and my sister into loving her.

But I could see it in her eyes that she was upset and even a little guilty.

This was about Santana, I was sure of it.

Otherwise, Brittany wouldn't have snapped like she did.

Which explained the guilt but why the anger?

I had so many questions on my mind that I wanted Ari to answer but before I knew it, she was saying how she needed to get back to work and how she would see me for dinner.

"So tell me Ariana, are you as crazy about my daughter as we are?"

Ari sat there looking at Mama with a smirk on her face.

"With all due respect, I think I am crazier than you guys about her. In fact...I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a woman just like her."

Mama hugged Ari tight and welcomed her into our family.

I smiled as I watched their interaction but I still couldn't push away that feeling that something was incredibly wrong.

I love my family, we are insanely close, but when I dropped my mom and sister off at their hotel, I couldn't be happier.

Back in my dorm room, I realized how much like sex it smelled so I ended up cleaning it from top to bottom, including my blood stained sheets.

Suddenly that pang I had been feeling all day long, turned to dread.

What if Ari was having second thoughts about us?

She had never said she wanted to spend her life with ME, she said a woman just LIKE me and as far as I knew there was only one woman out there that was just like me.

Santana Lopez.

This was so not good.

I was suddenly reviewing everything that Ari had said or done all day.

She had been off center all morning.

And at lunch she was totally out of character.

Of course Mama didn't know any different but I did.

I was losing her.

I could feel it in my bones.

Of course I tried to think that maybe it was about her mom.

Or the stress of the show but I knew better.

I knew that this was about Santana.

This just wasn't fair.

I was going through my clothes and a piece of paper fell out my jacket pocket.

It was covered in gold stars and the script on it was swirly and neat.

I opened it and when I read the first line, I ended up breathless as I leaned back against my door.

Gloria,

Ari is going to break your heart but I can tell that she loves you.

If you are willing to love her back and stick by her for a long time,

then you have to make sure you put your foot down with her and

Santana. I know I may be overstepping but you are too nice to be in

the dark about this.

Rachel Berry

I was sick.

My stomach was clenching and flipping as I thought of all the years that I had held back from temptation.

I was waiting for the woman I married.

Was that the guilt that I saw in Ari's eyes?

This was not good.

I sat against my door with my head in my hands, sobbing over my lost virginity.

Ari was going to leave me.

I was sure of it.

There was no other explanation.

I was full of doubt and worry.

"Papa Dios, ayudame."

At some point I fell asleep right where I sat.

I was disoriented when I woke up and kept hearing a banging coming from behind me.

That's when I realized that I was still sitting against the door.

I pushed up from the floor and brushed my fingers through my hair a few times before pulling door open.

"Great." I muttered as I stepped back and let Santana walk inside.

"Nice to see you too."

She was bundled up and looked like she had been standing out in the cold hall for awhile.

I shut the door and then leaned against it again.

"I'm sorry...it's just..." I began crying again as I slid back down into my sitting position.

I was so embarrassed.

With all the things about Santana that I had heard, I never expected her to crouch down and rub my back.

"I know that this might seem crazy...but do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't even know what it is."

"Ari didn't tell you?"

I looked up into her eyes feeling the dread turn into a fear like none that I had ever felt.

"You told me just yesterday...that you were not a threat! Tell me that wasn't a lie?" I squeaked out. "Because I just put my heart and my purity out on the line for her and now she's acting...distant."

"Are you a virgin?" She looked at me in shock.

"Was...until last night."

"I'm going to kill her." She growled before looking at me with pity.

I hated pity.

"Did you sleep with her?" I asked finally.

Santana shook her head and sucked her lips into her mouth before sitting down fully on the floor.

"I would never do that to you. I'm not...going to take her from you. I love Brittany and I'm going to marry her. Ari...she's just hurting so bad right now and she's reaching out for what's familiar. I will admit that I was a bit jealous when I met you...because you are a threat to me. It was just always like, if Britt and I never got our shit together and moved on from each other...Ari was in my back pocket...but now she's in love. And I mean that...she loves you. I am your number one fan right now...she's going to push you away, that's why I'm here. You needed to hear it from me. I'm not going to let her fuck up what she has with you. She has it in her head right now that she wants to fight Britt for me. It's not going to happen. Britt wins that fight blindfolded with her hands behind her back. She is it for me just like you are it for Ari."

"So what you're saying is right now she is all about getting with you?"

I felt like someone was choking me.

"It's out of spite. Britt told her to back off of me and she is pissed about it. It's about pride. Look...she is going to push you away. Fight for her. Because she needs you right now more than she needs me."

"I don't know how to fight someone who doesn't want to be with me."

She nodded and then took a deep breath and tried to explain again.

"Look, that's just it. She does want you, she does love you, she is just not in her right frame of mind right now. Don't hold this against her...please?"

"How do I know you won't swoop in and change your mind?"

"Because I love her with my everything but I am in love with Britt. There is no one that I would rather spend my life with than her. No one. I swear to you."

I felt the door moving behind me.

It had to be Ari.

"Gloria? Baby...are you blocking the door, I can't get in?"

"Come back later." I said loudly.

I could hear the tears in my voice so I knew she could.

She started knocking over and over again.

"Please? You have no idea what I've been through today...please, I need to talk to you about something."

"Let her in." Santana whispered. "I have to get back to the kids anyway."

Brittany's POV

"What do you mean she left? Where did she go?"

"You need to calm down, B. She left them with me, I am their godmother. It's not a big deal."

I was cleaning up a pool of throw up that Izzy had left on the kitchen floor as I was walking in the door.

He wasn't feeling any better and it was written all over his face.

"Mama...no good...Mama!" He whined as he lifted his arms up to me.

Quinn put Dani down in her play pen and walked towards Izzy but I stepped in front of her.

"No...I got him. Can you just put the baby to bed...please?"

"Yea...no problem."

"Did she say where she was going?"

I picked up Izzy and he immediately put his head down on my shoulder.

His skin was hot to the touch and from the sound of the wheezing coming from him,

I knew that he was going to have an asthma attack soon.

I didn't wait for Quinn to answer me as I rushed to the bathroom and turned on the warm water.

I stripped Izzy down and then sat him on his toilet.

"Pee first so we can get cleaned up again...okay?"

He nodded at me and closed his eyes as he concentrated.

Usually it would make me laugh to see him do that but I was worried about him.

His asthma had been under control for months and I knew from past experiences that once it started it usually stayed around for a few days.

Izzy opened his eyes and looked at me before closing them again.

"Are you done?"

"Yes." He said as he opened his eyes again, he looked exhausted.

I cleaned him up and then put him into the warm tub.

He stood there looking at me.

"Izzy, sit down little man."

"No. I want Mami wash me."

I tried to bite back my frustration because I wanted his Mami here too.

She was supposed to be here.

So where the fuck had she gone?

Izzy was throwing a huge tantrum.

Usually they were only something he did with me and it made me madder.

But I didn't take it out on him, he was sick and just wanted Ana's comfort.

She hadn't been here the night before when he cried himself to sleep on her pillow.

Now that she was around more, it really bummed him out when she wasn't around him.

I have no idea how I managed to get Izzy's whole body and hair cleaned but I did it.

I was soaked from head to shoe when I was done, but at least he was clean.

Once Izzy was in my arms, he stopped screaming and his cries became gentler.

But he kept saying the same thing over and over again.

And each time I had a pang in my chest.

"I want Mami, I want Mami, I want Mami."

"Shhh...she's coming. She'll be here."

I pressed my lips to his forehead and could feel that his fever had lessened but he was still wheezing.

"I want Mami, now!" He screamed as I put him down on his feet.

I nearly broke into tears when I saw him stomp his foot and cross his arms over his chest.

He was definitely Ana's son.

I rushed through getting Izzy dressed even with him whining and even though he had been doing well going to the bathroom, I put a pull up on him just in case.

He tried to yank at it but I quickly pulled on his Elmo shorts. Shorts that he never wanted to take off.

I was tired.

"Mami!" His voice was strained as he called out to Ana.

"Hey Papa! Dama said you got sick?" She crouched down and a smell hit my nose.

"I sick Mami." Izzy stuck out his lip as she went to hug him but I scooped him into my arms and made my way over to the glider.

Ana stood there looking at me with a hurt expression. It was the same face that she used to make when I would pick up the kids after they spent time with her.

But at that moment I felt I had every right to stop her from touching our son.

"I just gave him a bath...why don't you go take one while I give him a breathing treatment."

"You look tired Britt...I can do it."

I was trying not to say anything about the way she smelled as I set up the machine.

Izzy sat patiently waiting, looking straight at Ana with big sad eyes.

"I'm fine. I can take care of him. I'm used to doing it by myself."

She made a yelping sound and I knew that she was stung by my words but it wasn't like I was lying.

I had been a single mother for months and so this wasn't something that I wasn't used to.

"Why are you being like this, Britt?"

"Can we talk about this later? Izzy is more important right now."

"Fine. I concede."

I didn't turn around as she walked out of the room and closed the door.

I knew that she probably wanted to slam it but the child proofing prevented that.

"Mami go bye?." Izzy asked as I was putting the mask on his face.

"Mami needed a bath she was stinky."

"Stinky?"

I nodded and he smiled behind the mask before sitting back in his little recliner and closing his eyes.

I sat next to him on the glider and put on his standby Elmo DVD.

The moment the monster began to sing, Izzy's eyes shot open and he laughed.

I'm learning that everything happens for a reason. Had Izzy not gotten sick, then I probably would have stayed pissed until Ana got home.

But by the time his treatment was over and he was tucked in his bed, I was much calmer.

Now I needed to deal with things in my relationship and thankfully I had been given time to get my head together.

Santana's POV

"What happened?"

"She basically kicked me out and denied me from helping with Isaac."

"I hope you two fix this."

Quinn went to hug me before heading home but then stepped back and scrunched up her face.

"Don't make that face, it's hideous."

"Yea well."

She didn't finish her thought as she looked me over before leaning in and smelling my face.

"What the fuck, Q? You're being weird."

"Were you smoking?"

"I haven't smoked in forever. You know that."

"Great non answer."

"I thought you were leaving?"

"Well just know that you stink like super bad...cigar bad. Chances are that's why Britt didn't want your help with Izzy."

I face palmed.

"Shit. Is it that bad?"

I tried smelling myself but I couldn't smell anything different than my usual smell.

"Worse. And it's super gross that you can't even smell it!"

"Fuck...this is not good."

"Look, I wish I could listen to what your explanation is for why you reek but I have to go...call me later or in the morning, okay?"

"Yea, yea...I'll see you tomorrow." I said, half listening to her.

Instead of our usual hug, Q punched my shoulder and then left me standing there feeling like an idiot.

Fucking Ari.

One more thing that I would have to explain to Britt.

The past few days had just been too much of a strain for me, I had craved drugs more in the past few days then I had in months.

I was sorely starting to miss my room back in Lima, things sucked there but they were simple.

Being back in Manhattan was so overwhelming and I knew that I wanted to start looking for a new place as soon as possible.

I needed to find solid ground and I hadn't really been given that chance.

Things were feeling rocky.

And I was beginning to feel a bit lost.

The world had kept moving without me while I was gone, things here though, seemed good but now it was like the moment that I got back to the city, drama started.

Did it follow me around?

Was I the cause of it?

I didn't know anything anymore.

All I knew for certain was that I was tired.

Of everything and quickly becoming tired of everyone with the exception of my children.

And as a newly engaged woman, that shouldn't be the case.

It wasn't until I stripped out my clothes that I could see just how strong the smell of the smoke was.

It was gag worthy.

And if that was just my clothes, I couldn't imagine what my fingers and hair smelled like.

How had I been able to hide the fact that I was a smoker from people when I was in high school?

Now I wasn't so hurt by Britt.

I got it.

No wonder she was pissed off.

I stepped into the shower, moaning uncontrollably as the hot water spilled over my head and shoulders.

It was like manna from heaven, as I felt the tension leave my neck and the pounding in my head lessened to a dull ache.

For a few moments, I just stood there without moving, trying to get my head together.

Things couldn't be like this right now.

This was not how I wanted to end one year and go into the next.

I hadn't been awake last year during this time and so I had promised myself that I would enjoy every moment but now...I was breaking that promise.

Because I hadn't enjoyed myself since the game of flashlight tag back at the hotel.

Had it been that long?

Something had to give.

Before I started to break.

When I finally made it out of the shower, my skin felt sensitive and raw. I had scrubbed myself down a few times and had even washed my hair twice.

I didn't want any traces of the offensive smell to be on my body while I was talking to Britt.

I didn't want to upset her any more then I already had.

Showering was definitely a start

So when I stepped out of the shower, I felt just tiny bit better about my night.

Even though I was still apprehensive.

Especially since I could hear Britt moving around in the bedroom.

I was afraid to face her but I knew that I had to.

When I had told her how my feelings for Ari were becoming a little more than the usual, she looked at me like I had struck her.

She didn't cry though, or yell or anything that I thought she would do.

She simply kissed my lips and told me that we would deal with it at a later time.

A time that she would choose because she was busier than me with the show.

I had felt guilty because she was doing it for me, because of me, for Ari.

It was in that moment that I recognized just how much she had matured and just how much she trusted me.

So it was no surprise that now, standing there facing the first alone time we would have all day, that I felt like I wanted to just disappear.

The door opened and I tried to act like my normal self.

I stood there drying myself off, taking the time to wring out my hair but Britt had different plans.

She knew I was stalling so now she was storming straight to me.

I was thrown off completely though, when she came to stand directly in front of me and ripped the towel from my hands.

I didn't protest or really react at all.

What should I have done?

I just stood there and waited to see what her next move would be.

Britt had a wicked smile on her face as she walked me backwards until my bare back was pressed against the cool tile of the wall.

My sensitive skin went into shock and sent tingles all over my body.

I opened my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips and shook her head.

She wanted my silence and after all the stuff that was going on, I could give her that much.

I would be silent forever if it was what would make this crap go away.

If it would make us better, I would hand over the control for good.

She dropped the towel on the floor and then sunk to her knees.

This was definitely not what I was expecting.

But I had denied her love long enough.

"Oh God." I whispered as Britt blew on my clit.

At the sound of my words she pulled back and looked up at me.

"Don't make a sound or I'll stop."

I looked down at her and could see the warning in her eyes.

We hadn't done this in a while.

When we had first started messing around all those years ago, we had toyed around with dominance.

We never got into the whole like spanking thing, but more of the power plays.

It usually happened when there was an incident like this one.

One of us felt so out of place in the relationship or was doubting our worth.

It was hard to explain but usually it was me that caused this.

Britt would feel inferior and so she would take charge or I would get down on myself and she would take control.

Usually afterwards, she was her bubbly self and we would smooth things over.

After I had been humbled.

And forgiven.

And right now, I need the latter more than anything.

We hadn't been in this place since before Marco came back to town.

Our plays for dominance after him led to physical altercations.

She was pleading with me to go back to the time before him.

Before the hurt and lies.

Before the cheating and the drugs.

A clean slate.

She didn't move until I finally took a breath and nodded.

Even if I didn't think I deserved her love at the moment...I agreed, knowing that she was going to get me to that place that I needed to be.

I was willing to put it all out on the line.

Because I wanted this...I wanted us more than anything in the world.

I saw stars as she sucked my clit into her mouth and then put my leg on her shoulder.

The urge to moan was strong but I didn't make a sound.

I couldn't take my eyes off of hers as she watched me.

She had a look in her eyes that said more than words could ever say.

I bit down on my lip as she put her fingers inside of me.

It had been a really long time since I had been touched there, months and so I was tighter than usual.

I hissed as she spread me wider than I had been in forever.

All the sensations were times ten in intensity.

But the bad feelings were still there.

I wasn't good enough for her.

Being in Lima was the best thing I had done for her and the kids.

I forgot that she was watching me, my expressions and most important, my eyes.

Britt could read me like a book and she saw the doubt there.

And seconds later she inserted another finger and then replaced her tongue with her thumb.

My mouth hung open as a short and small orgasm shook me.

Britt was on her feet now, pressing me against the wall as she worked her fingers in and out, thrusting with everything she had.

"Stop thinking you're not good enough." She whispered against my ear as she used her other hand to brush the small of my back before gripping my ass tightly.

I knew what she was going to do...and I tensed up immediately.

It had taken me years to allow her to go there with me.

Especially after it being a punishment from Marco.

But she had worn me down one day and I had allowed it.

It had blown my mind just how different it had felt.

How much it enhanced my orgasm and made me feel complete seemed unreal.

Even still, she knew my history and only did it occasionally.

Britt was nothing if not considerate at my most vulnerable moments.

She always warned me first by giving my ass a firm squeeze and then the eye contact.

Even though I didn't really have a choice at the moment, she was still staring at me and waiting.

I nodded and leaned my head back against the wall, watching her eyes as she moved her fingers towards her goal.

"Relax, baby." She whispered before grazing past my lips and kissing my nose.

I tried my best to relax but it wasn't working so she gave a hard flick to my clit and my body contracted and then released.

I shuddered against her and ground down onto her hand.

Wanting more.

She hadn't moved her fingers in an eternity and I was getting antsy.

I wanted to yell and scream and kick things.

Move. Move. Move.

I kept chanting in my head.

She smirked and then began to move agonizingly slow.

It was all I could focus on.

The soft caress against my clit and the gentle thrust of her fingers inside of me.

All these years and Britt still is the master of distraction.

Because I hadn't even felt her press into me from behind until she began to move her fingers back there.

My eyes slammed shut and my head fell forward onto her shoulder.

I was all pleasuring aches and orgasmic sensations.

In a world beyond words.

All I could do was feel her touching me, filling me and loving me.

Loving me despite all the drama, the late night confessions, and all the hurt in between.

"Tell me that you still love me, Ana...tell me that you still want me...and if not...tell me you love me enough to let me go."

Even in my haze of feelings, the pang in my chest was enough to tell me that she was pushing past her hurt.

The pang collided with the most intense orgasm of my life.

The kind that had me biting my lip so hard that I could taste the tangyness of my blood.

A feeling so astronomically bitter but sickeningly sweet filled me as fireworks and bright lights filled my head.

I was so wrapped up in it that I didn't feel her move her hands from inside me.

I was so far gone that I didn't realize we had moved until I was back under the stream of water.

Britt held me tightly as I heard sobbing and whispering.

I looked up at her and realized that her eyes while bloodshot were dry.

The sobbing and the declarations of love were coming from me.

From beyond my conscious mind.

"I love you, always and only you. I love you so much Brittany and I will go to my grave knowing that it has always and only been you. I don't care what I have to do to prove it. Even if I was once unworthy...I know in your eyes I'm good enough and that is enough for me."

The words were tumbling from my mouth before I had a chance to think about them.

She was holding me tight and looking into my eyes in awe.

I hadn't been this honest with her...ever.

I was raw and open.

My passion was alive as I looked at her and for the first time in a long time, I felt good enough.

To be loved.

To be touched.

And wanted...I felt worthy of her.

My love for Ari was strong, it was primal but this...was inexplicably the love that God had meant for me in this life.

Britt got who I was and what I needed better than even I did.

And I would fight with and for her.

This was love.

I got it now.

And she could see that I had.

"What took you so long?" She whispered as she saw the understanding flood my eyes and smiled.

"All that matters is that I get it now, B."

"I love you." She whispered.

And then for the first time since she entered the bathroom, she brought her lips to mine.

Kissing me with everything she had.

Because now I knew, without the shadow of a doubt that I was hers.

And it gave me peace.

A/N: Hey my readers...I have always had issues figuring out love. For most people its more natural than breathing...and for others...it's harder. This scene kind of made me feel a spark of understanding. Someday...maybe I'll get to where Ana just got to. Anyway...I hope you enjoyed it...review and tell me about it.

Lots of love!