A/N: Hey everyone! I hope you all had a good break, and I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. I missed you guys and missed writing, so I promise updates will be more frequently from now on. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 36 - Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Quinn woke up, and wished she hadn't.

It had been a long time since she last had this feeling, but that morning not even Rachel's gleaming smile was enough to convince her the day was going to be worth waking up to. She heard as Rachel excitedly told her about what she had dreamed last night, but although she was hearing it, she didn't really listen to it. Rachel's voice came inside her head by one ear and escaped by the other, and Quinn wasn't able to process them at all.

"Quinn?" Rachel waved her hand in front of Quinn's face. "Did you listen what I just say?"

"Mhm?" Quinn asked, shaking her head to clean her mind before answering. "Sorry. I think I'm still too sleepy. What did you say?" She asked gently, forcing a smile. She knew Rachel had nothing to do with what was inside her mind, and she didn't want to take it down on her. She already did it way more than she would like. She was lucky Rachel was so patient.

Rachel repeated herself, but again, Quinn didn't listen. It concerned her, but she didn't want to upset Rachel by making her repeat once more, so she just nodded with a smile and it seemed to be enough for Rachel. She looked up to Quinn, and stroke her cheek lovingly.

"I'm glad to see you smiling. Did you know you have the most beautiful smile?" Rachel asked in a grin, leaning forward and dropping a kiss right on the corner of Quinn's mouth. Quinn shrugged timidly, but kept the smile on her face for Rachel. "I'm happy to see you happy," said Rachel.

But Quinn wasn't happy. In fact, she felt the dull sadness taking over more and more each day. She could just wish the new medicines would kick in soon, because she didn't feel like she could handle living like that again. But smiling was just much easier than explaining it all to Rachel. Rachel was already being so understanding with how suddenly Quinn's moods would swing. Quinn didn't want to worry her any further.

Quinn hid most of her feelings from Rachel. It was something she had never done before, but felt necessary. She felt exhausted after spending the whole day with Rachel, because faking happiness while she just wanted to lay down and die is the most stressful thing she could go through. She usually didn't wake up so grumpy, but as the day went on she found herself getting annoyed with herself, even.

Still, she wanted to Rachel to remember her good days. She didn't want Rachel to see how awful she felt inside. So she kept her smile, and tried to act like everything was fine.

While that worked for most of the time, it ended up making Quinn slightly disappointed. Rachel wasn't helping her. Quinn wanted to get better, and to start feeling happy again. She knew there Rachel wouldn't be able to help her if she didn't tell her how she felt. But Quinn also knew that could be their breaking point. She had always been Rachel's rock. If Rachel realized she was not steady at all, Rachel could give up on her. Quinn would understand. She knew it was hard to love someone you didn't admire. She could never love people when they showed themselves too weak.

Rachel was different. Although Quinn had seen her at her weakest points, she didn't diminished her because of it. In fact, they just made her love Rachel more, because she saw how Rachel rose back every time she fell. Rachel was strong in a way Quinn knew she could never be.

However, Quinn couldn't ignore the fact that Rachel was spending more and more of her time outside. She knew she wasn't being easy to deal with. She knew she shouldn't ask so much of Rachel. Rachel was sensitive and always read her well, but she couldn't read Quinn's mind. Quinn knew how to fake her feelings maybe too well – a gift she molded during a childhood at Fabray's household.

Quinn realized she was getting too bad when she started feeling relieved as Rachel left the room throughout the days. She couldn't blame her, she knew she was being difficult to handle. She was having difficult handling herself too.

The monsters inside her head were back and, in all truth, she had missed them.

The doctor had told her, even though it wasn't her first time. The first weeks after changing a medication were usually the worst. The medication wasn't exactly helping yet, but was already showing it's bad side effects. The worst of both worlds, if Quinn could say. But deep down, the empty feeling inside of her was comforting. She had lived for a long time carrying nothing inside. It was reassuring. Being happy is amazing, but she had been constantly worried about how the happiness could end. With sadness and emptiness, she had nothing to worry. It was there, and it would probably remain forever. It was what she was made of. It's how it had always been.

Every step Rachel took towards her recovery, was a step back Quinn took on hers. Rachel was getting better in a pace that Quinn could never keep up with. Specially not feeling like she did. Rachel made a couple more acquaintances – she still wasn't comfortable calling them friends – and every time Rachel would talk to Quinn about them, Quinn wished she could die. She examined the personality of each one of them, through Rachel's eyes, and tried to find what was it that they had and she hadn't. What was it that made Rachel seek them instead of her.

But it was obvious. It was right in her face. They were trying. And Quinn couldn't say the same. All she did was lay down and silently pray that the medicine would kick in before it was too late. Sleeping had always been a pleasure of hers, but it had increased in an indescribable way. She slept almost all day. Sleeping gave her the break her mind needed so much. Sleeping made her consciousness fade away, and she didn't have to think about how awful she felt.

And soon enough, the monsters inside her head started controlling her mind once more. The urge to cut came back with full force.

Quinn thought she would be able to refrain from cutting after receiving the affection she needed, but it was the opposite. It was exactly after Rachel was the most lovely that she wanted to cut deeper. It didn't make sense. She had been nothing but horrible to Rachel on the last days, and Rachel still showed herself gentler and kinder than anyone Quinn knew. Rachel didn't deserve to be treated like that. She didn't deserve to get to their bedroom after an exhausting day and have Quinn snap at her for not hanging her towel exactly like Quinn liked.

But Quinn couldn't stop. She didn't know how to express her frustration. She missed Rachel throughout the day, but instead of simply admitting it once they saw each other, she snapped at her instead. Anything to get her attention. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. It was childish. She hated herself for acting like that. She knew it was unfair to Rachel. She just wanted to slit her wrists open, in hope that the monsters would drip away with the blood and she would be herself again. She would be able to give Rachel everything she deserved.

Her scars screamed at her. They tingled and they itched. They begged to be opened again. With every shower, she was reminded of the stinging sensation of water washing new cuts. She bit her lip so hard that it bleeded, but it wasn't enough. She took pleasure on seeing blood slipping all the way through her arm, and it had been too long since the last time she did it. But every time she started looking for anything sharp, she was reminded of Rachel.

She remembered of the Rachel she didn't knew, on the very first week, helping her. She remembered how upset Rachel got when she cut. And she didn't want to disappoint Rachel more than she already had. She didn't want to break the promise. She had come too far to give up now. Or at least she tried to convince herself.

But the worst part was the inconsistency. It was having nice moments, where she could just relax and enjoy the day by the side of the person she loved the most. And then having them taken away with a simple blink gone wrong. She tried to enjoy those fine moments the best she could, but it still didn't feel enough.

Quinn was decided to make things differently that particular day.

The moment Rachel walked back in the room, Quinn closed the door, pressing Rachel against it and dropping a wet kiss on her neck. She wouldn't lose Rachel. She would make sure Rachel would stay in love with her. Even if for that to happen she had to slay a demon a day inside her head.

"Welcome back" Quinn whispered on Rachel's ear, flicking her earlobe with her tongue. "I missed you."

She felt Rachel shivering and sighing in what sounded much more like relieve than pleasure. It broke her heart to realize how apprehensive Rachel was to come back to their room, and it was almost enough to kill her mood. But she couldn't. She had to keep her monsters quiet at least until Rachel fell asleep. She had to be able to give at least one nice evening for the most important person in her life.

"I missed you too..." Rachel whispered, smiling sincerely. But Quinn wasn't sure if Rachel meant it. She could mean she had missed Quinn because they spent their day apart. Or she could mean she had missed this Quinn – the Quinn that wasn't afraid to show her love, the Quinn that was able to make Rachel happy. Maybe she couldn't keep the monsters quiet after all. Maybe they were getting the best of her. Maybe they had already won.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel." Quinn said, looking down. She couldn't bear to see what was hidden behind Rachel's eyes.

"For what, baby?" Rachel asked gently, and Quinn swallowed hard. She walked back to bed before giving Rachel a glance, and Rachel understood immediately she needed to be cuddled. Without saying anything, Rachel slipped behind Quinn and wrapped her arms tightly around her waist.

"For everything." Quinn said. She was glad Rachel was spooning her – in that way, she wouldn't see how Quinn's eyes got teared up so quickly. "For treating you so badly for the last days. For snapping at you. For not giving you what you deserve..." She could go on forever. But she knew what was bothering her the most. "For feeling like I need to cut again." Quinn knew this wasn't the kind of thing people apologized to. But she needed to. She felt like she owned it for Rachel. "I know you didn't sign up for this mess..." Quinn sighed deeply, closing her eyes and feeling Rachel's fingers through her hair. "This new medicine is really making me drown."

"Quinn, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I fell in love with you." Rachel said with a small huff, dropping a kiss on the verge of Quinn's neck. "Falling in love with you wasn't a choice, but I don't regret it. Even if I could, I would never choose to not be in love with you. I mean, yeah, sometimes I get nervous or upset when you're..." Rachel took a deep breath, trying to find the words to say it without hurting Quinn. "When you're not being nice. But you know, even when your eyes are the darkest I can always see a glimpse light of the Quinn I love so much hiding behind them. And I know she will be back soon. She's a fighter, and she'll crawl her way back to the surface." Rachel whispered, and Quinn didn't know what felt better: Rachel's soft kisses all over her neck and shoulders, or Rachel's lulling voice being whispered in her ear. "I know this is all temporary. And I would wait forever for you, baby. I just want you to feel good again."

"Thank you." It was all Quinn managed to whisper back, and still, it was enough to make her voice crack. She couldn't believe how vulnerable she had let herself get, and she was even more concerned about the fact that Rachel couldn't seem to realize how deeply in trouble Quinn was. How blind Rachel could be? Quinn wasn't a fighter at all. If anything, she had definitely surrendered to her illness. She wasn't doing anything that could improve her condition, and she didn't have any will to. And her desire to just ruin her wrists again increased with each passing second.

"How long has it been back?" Rachel asked, once again making Quinn wonder if she was able to read her mind. "I mean, you wanting to… cut."

"I don't know… For a while. But it wasn't as strong as it is right now." Quinn swallowed hard. She wasn't used to talking so sincerely about this. She wasn't used to being so bluntly honest about something so wrong. "I guess it's passed being a want. I feel like it's more of a need, right now." Quinn whimpered. She would give anything for one of the sharp blades the hospital had.

Rachel got up, and Quinn panicked. She questioned if she had done something wrong, or finally had said something that made Rachel give up on her. Her heart raced. Rachel walked in the direction of the door, and Quinn shivered. She imagined Rachel getting out of the room and telling a nurse what she had just heard from Quinn's mouth. But before Quinn's imagination could go any deeper, Rachel was back with something inside her hand. A half-broken ruler.

Quinn recognized it immediately. It was the ruler of Rachel's very first day there. The one Quinn had stolen from her drawing kit, and used to cut herself. The ruler that made the cut that got to Rachel help her in the first place. Quinn fluttered her eyes as Rachel gave her the ruler, and licked her lips before getting it.

"Why did you keep this?" Quinn asked with a small, sad smile.

"Well, it's what brought us together, isn't it? If you think way back then." Rachel shrugged, sitting back on the bed right by Quinn's side. Rachel pulled her sleeve up, and stand out her wrist to Quinn. Quinn frowned deeply in confusion, and held the ruler tight between her fingers.

"What are you doing?" Quinn asked in a whisper. She could feel her fingers hurting from holding the piece of plastic so tightly, and she knew they would be marked once she released the ruler. But it felt too good.

"Cut me." Rachel demanded, and Quinn's eyes went wide. She shook her head violently, and brought her closed fist closer to her chest.

"What are you talking about?" Quinn asked in startle, pushing Rachel's wrist away. "Rachel, stop this!" She whined in fear.

"No, Quinn." Rachel said calmly, standing her wrist again. "I'm not letting you hurt yourself. I can't see you hurting anymore. If you need to cut, just do it on my wrist. I know the blood is what calms you down, so it will help even if it's not your arm." Rachel explained, and Quinn's eyes just went even wider. She couldn't stop shaking her head. She had never heard more absurd ideas. "Quinn, it's fine. I promise you. You can do it."

"Rachel, I could never hurt you like that!" Quinn mumbled, placing her bare hand on top of Rachel's wrist. "Please, stop." Quinn pleaded. "Seeing you do this- Just knowing that you would subject yourself to this already hurts me more than what an actual cut on my throat would hurt."

"Quinn, I don't wanna see you hurting anymore. I don't know what else to do. I need to help you but I don't know how and I can't stand to be still and do nothing." Rachel said, trying one last time. But Quinn would never do it. She wouldn't ruin perfectly clear wrists like Rachel's and make them look like the mess hers were.

"Rach..." Quinn whispered, dropping the ruler on her nightstand. Her whole fist went numb after the release, and she bit down her lip before looking down to make sure Rachel's eyes wouldn't cross hers as she whispered. "If you had an idea of what's happening inside of my head right now you would know that the cuts wouldn't be anything. The cuts don't hurt me. My brain does. Constantly." She knew this wouldn't be comforting for Rachel. But she didn't know what Rachel could do to help, either.

"God, Quinn. I hate seeing you like this. You don't deserve this! It is so unfair that all of this happens to you..." Rachel murmured. Her eyes were tearing up, and she laid on Quinn's chest. It made hard for Quinn to breath, but she couldn't push Rachel any further away. She didn't know how many moments like those she would get.

"You can't hate it more than I hate myself." Quinn said with a hurt chuckle. She didn't know if Rachel was ready to know all of it, but she realized she couldn't hide it any longer. If Rachel chose to leave her, she would understand. But if Rachel was staying she had to know exactly how bad it was. "I think about slitting my wrists everyday. And I still think about dying some days. But I swear I'm trying Rach… I can't get out of bed most days, but I'm trying as hard as I can to stop hating myself and to be a better person for you. I just need you to give me time."

"Of course, baby." Rachel nodded understandingly, grabbing Quinn's knuckles and dropping a kiss there. "I know you are, and I know everything will be okay. I'm not going anywhere, Quinn. There's nothing you can ever do that will make me go. I'm just.. sad. To see you broken like this." Rachel whimpered, and Quinn hugged her tighter. She didn't tell Rachel about how she was fairly sure she wouldn't ever be fixed.

Rachel soon fell asleep, but Quinn couldn't sleep. She had spent most part of the day sleeping. She spent most of the night awake, watching Rachel's chest rising and lowering with her breath. It was the most soothing image for Quinn. But when Rachel winced in her sleep and murmured Quinn's name in fear, Quinn wondered when she had become a part of Rachel's nightmares instead of being her fairytale.

"I love you too much. Things would be so much easier if I didn't." Quinn whispered.