Chapter 37: We're Thinking of Changing the Name of the Series from 'Bleach' to 'Aizentastic'.
"Eh?" Hitsugaya said. "I'm sorry, you're done making stuff up, now? You're really going to tell us what's going on? Okay, everyone, we can start paying attention again!"
"Do we have to?" Yachiru asked.
"Probably not, no." Hitsugaya said.
"Yippee!" Yachiru said, and began trying to do a cartwheel.
"All right, then, time to explain the fruits of my labor." Aizen said, agreeably waiting until everyone was paying attention again. He really did prefer an audience.
"There was no labor! This was a coincidence! If there is fruit involved, then it's fruit that fell of the tree and landed in front you! Why can't you just admit that? Why does every damn thing have to be a crazy scheme? What is wrong with you?" Gin snapped, his tone growing increasingly desperate.
"The only thing wrong with me, Gin, is your unwillingness to see all the tiny threads and details that tie together my master plan." Aizen said, his tone that of someone lecturing a particularly stupid cow.
"I... you... no. No. You know what, screw it. I quit." Gin said.
"Ah, very good. Now we can..."
"No, I don't quit complaining." Gin said bluntly. "I quit your team. Screw you, Sosuke, I'm re-defecting back to the Soul Society. I don't even care if you kill me anymore, I just want the freedom to be able to answer your crap with the stabbing it deserves." And with that, Gin walked over to the Shinigami side to stand next to Matsumoto.
Hitsugaya raised one eyebrow. "Seriously?"
"Oh, yeah. Let's kill this jackass. Don't worry, I've got your back." Gin said passionately.
Hitsugaya considered this, and took several steps backward so that Gin was in front of him. "Thanks for reminding me of that." He said.
"... ah. I can see that trust building will be something of chore, then." Gin said. "Well, whatever, so long as I'm not on his side anymore..."
"Oh, Gin. You simple, simple fool..." Aizen said.
Flashback:
Aizen smirked, holding up his sword. "Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu." he commanded. "Gin... when we invade the Soul Society, you will defect to the Shinigami. I will totally have planned this, because I can't trust you ever since you kicked me down a pit, so I want you out of my army."
"Yes, Lord Aizen..." Gin said. Then, in confusion, he said, "Wait, I don't think your complete hypnosis actually works like this. Also, if you really wanted me gone, why not just kill me?"
Aizen responded by throwing a handful of powder into Gin's face and shouting, "Amnesia Dust!"
End Flashback:
Gin trembled in fury. "Again... screw you, Sosuke!"
Hitsugaya shook his head in bemusement. "Wow. Even your own flashbacks only half-believe that one, eh?"
"... I planned that, too. I wanted my flashbacks to be skeptical, because that makes you more likely to doubt my stories, which means that when the single thread of truth woven elegantly into the fabric of lies becomes apparant, you will be caught all the more off-guard." Aizen said.
"Suuuuuuuure." Hitsugaya said.
"No, I'm being sincere, really. Here, let me tell you about my new invention, the Flashback Alteration Engine..."
"No! No, that's all right, we... er... believe you. Right, guys?" Hitsugaya said quickly, before more pointless expostions could start.
"Not really." Matsumoto said.
"No." Ikkaku said.
"You're pretty." Halibel said, running a finger through Hitsugaya's hair, then blushing furiously and hiding her face even further behind her jacket.
"Honestly, I'm not even listening anymore." Yumichika said.
"Zzzzzzzz..." Zaraki said. "Gon' kill 'ou... zzzzzzzzz... blood 'n carnage... zzzzzzzzz..."
"Yay, pancakes!" Yachiru said.
"... see? We all believe you." Hitsugaya said. "So there's no need for any more talking. Just unveil your secret weapon or whatnot, we're all ready."
"Hmmmm... well, I did have three hour prepared speech about my Flashback Machine, but I suppose I can cut it from the schedule and skip right to the main event. In a way, I think that's even appropriate: I have finally torn free from the grip of destiny in order to claim unlimited power, and in reality, Toshiro, it's all thanks to a present you left me." Aizen said, a soft smirk of triumph on his face. He snapped his finger, and another Garganta opened in the skies above them. From it descended a strange device... it looked like a cross made of solid, translucent black crystal, yet it hummed like an engine despite having no visible moving parts. The air around it seemed to warp and distort, even more than from the Garganta. Just looking at it, sensing its twisted reiatsu, left a feeling of ominousness, wrongness. Like there was a sick, black shadow upon reality itself, melting away at the universe.
And strapped to this... this utterly wrong thing was the broken, bleeding, and unconscious form of Ichigo Kurosaki.
"... all right, you've lost me." Hitsugaya admitted.
"Look at this boy. Look at this remarkable boy. Don't you think it's strange," Aizen said softly, "That this remarkable boy is still alive? He was left bleeding in the middle of a warzone with a huge hole through his lungs."
"Only one lung, sir. Left." Ulquiorra said dutifully. "Or at least, I only felt one lung when I punched the hole, sir."
"Thank you, Ulquiorra. So, this boy had a hole punched through his left lung, and he was ditched in a desert full of monsters..."
"I wouldn't say 'ditched'." Hitsugaya mumbled somewhat guiltily, him being the one most directly responsible for ditching Ichigo. "More like... forgotten. Temporarily misplaced. I'm sure I would have gone back for him eventually..."
"... so, given that he certainly should have died, how is that he lived?" Aizen continued. "I've thought about what you told me, Toshiro. About the universe being aware, and having rules. So I considered the Universe, and Ichigo Kurosaki's place in it, and I noticed something. He always survives. More than that, everyone who is on his side always survives. Only people who oppose him die. Why is that?"
"... I just assumed he was really lucky." Hitsugaya admitted.
"Oh, please, have you seen him?" Aizen said, motioning toward the bloody boy hanging prone from the strange device. "His luck is awful, but he always just powers through it and wins in the end anyway! I'd bet solid money that if I hadn't found him, he'd still have survived somehow despite being alone and unconscious among an army of Hollows. No, there's a much better reason:
"The universe is alive. And aware. And it follows certain rules. But what you didn't understand, Toshiro, is that these rules follow certain, set patterns to guide events along specific paths regardless of whether the people following them understand or accept this. In essence, Toshiro... the universe is trying to use us, all of us, to make certain events happen. It even gathers together people with certain personalities that compliment each other in specific ways to form groups, which then conflict with each other to push these events along more quickly than they otherwise would.
"I don't know why this happens, or for what purpose the universe seems to delight in forcing all of us to gather in multiple-temperament ensembles to fight each other in grandiose cinematic battles all the time. But what I do know is that the center of these events... is Ichigo Kurosaki. He's part of the most groupings, he survives things he should not, people around him tend to work with him even when they shouldn't. The universe works around him, using him as the impetus to push it's... let's say 'plot' forward. Yes, the 'plot' is centered around him, and will go to great lengths to keep him alive against all reason so that it can continue. You could almost say that in the great 'plot' of the universe, he is the 'main character'." Aizen said.
He smiled, and pressed his hand to the black crystalline cross, which pulsed with soft light at his touch. "Or rather, he was. I have taken this power and tapped it, absorbed his reality altering powers for myself. Now I am the main character, and so long as I follow the narrative flow of the plot properly, there is nothing that can be done to stop me. Go ahead... fight me, kill me. I'll just come back to life three hours later and I'll have learned a new super-move from training in the afterlife or something. Rip my heart out, and I'll grow a new one and get a new Super Form, probably with bigger hair. And that amazing ability to survive you all seem to have? Don't count on that anymore. The inexplicable power to live through any injury because you're needed to advance the universe's plans... you might call it a sort of barrier preventing death that would derail the proper events, a sort of 'plot armor'... well, that's right over here now," Aizen said, gesturing at the Espada. "I mean... you must have noticed, right? What I have here is a quirky ensemble of characters with wildly varying personalities, all centered around me. All of us setting aside our differences to work together?We're the perfect central cast to fulfill the universe's plans. Let's face it, now that we have reality on our side, we're basically invincible."
"Well... that sucks." Hitsugaya said eloquently.
"Only for you." Aizen said cheerfully. "Now, I believe it's time for the pointless action sequence to begin, right about..."
"It's Aizen!" Someone shouted. There was nobody in sight to have done so; it was just a shout. Because the action sequence needed to begin. The 'hero' was invading the 'villain's' home base. The plot demanded an action sequence, and the universe obliged.
And, unfortunately, the universe obliged with the traditional first wave of villainous defense. Dozens upon dozens of Shinigami rushed into the square, but not one of them was anything other than...
"Oh, crap, the cannon fodder has shown up." Matsumoto muttered. "Captain, they're all going to get themselves killed."
"Of course they are." Aizen said cheerfully. "Everyone knows that the hero fights the expendable mooks first, followed by a succession of colorful minibosses... that's the Captains, by the way, so look forward to your inevitable death, Toshiro... and finally, he and his friends band together to defeat the main villain. I'm assuming that to be the King, which will wrap things up pretty nicely. Oh, that's right, deal with the cannon fodder... Ulquiorra, Grimmjow. Just like I told you."
Ulquiorra and Grimmjow broke away from the other Espada, looking deeply uncomfortable. "Do we really have to, sir?" Ulquiorra asked.
"This is really stupid." Grimmjow agreed.
"Trust me." Aizen said calmly.
Ulquiorra and Grimmjow looked at each other and sighed in shared annoyance. "All right. You want to go first, or should I?" the latter asked.
"I will." Ulquiorra said. "A-hem. 'I'm the stoic, emotionless anti-hero. Over the course of the series the power of friendship will warm me, restoring my ability to make meaningful connections to people'."
"This is so, so stupid..." Grimmjow muttered. "Er, how'd this go... 'I'm the overconfident, violent loner hero. Eventually, I'll learn a valuable lesson about teamwork and make friends with the rest of the group...' Really? This is really what we're going to try? This really is the stupidest thing I've ever-"
Then they both exploded in light and power, vast waves of reiatsu pouring off them.
"Aaaaaah." Ulquiorra said, pretty much the closest to shock he ever got.
"Whoa! Okay, this is nice!" Grimmjow admitted.
"Yesssssss... good, good! Let the power of the plot flow through you!" Aizen said. "You are now invincible, my minions! Only a Captain has a chance of defeating you, and only during your first match when he first shows up, to prove how badass the new villain is. You'll survive and win the rematch. Now go, destroy... er, 'defeat the villains'."
What followed was, to put it bluntly, even more of a one-sided stompfest than usually occurs when 'normal' shinigami try to fight anything at all. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra tore through the crowd like twin tornadoes, their every blow hurling crushed and broken soldiers around like rag dolls. The two Arrancar had, in a matter of seconds, reduced the randomly appearing military to a heap of crumpled ragdolls moaning in agony.
"Crap." Hitsugaya said. "All right, we can't allow this. Everyone, I'm going after..."
He was cut off by a shimmer in the air as Kaname Tousen flash-stepped into the space directly in front of him, sword drawn, and spoke the following sentence: "'Impossibly skilled blind swordsman, who replaces his sight with superior instincts and zen-like calm'."
Then he slammed his sword into Hitsugaya's with such impossible force that the younger Captain was sent hurtling through the air like a cannonball, smashing into a nearby building so hard it collapsed onto him.
Tousen did not quite smile, though the smile was implied. "Yes, yes I believe I can get used to this."
Aizen watched the victories piling up with a cheerful smile, turning to the prone figure on the strange reality-altering machine. "See? You see what power you've wasted, Ichigo Kurosaki? Look what your strength can do in the hands of someone who understands character dynamics and basic story structure. And if you think this is bad, just wait until I remind Tousen that he's also technically the 'token disabled teammate', giving him the ability to win fights using his plucky ingenuity and can-do attitude!"
"This is... this is really bad, isn't it?" Ikkaku asked. "Are we going to all die?"
"I don't know!" Matsumoto asked. "They're burying us in cliches so fast it's hard to keep up, but I think technically Zaraki counts as a miniboss, so he might be able to get something done. If he'd wake up!" She shrieked.
"Zzzzzzzzz... fightin' waffles... zzzzzzzzz..."
"... Fighting waffles?" Matsumoto asked in confusion.
"Oh!" Gin said, raising his hand. "Well, if we're following a script here, we might as well take advantage, right? I'm the 'hero's former ally who betrayed him to join the evil side', and I'm pretty sure that guarantees me at least one win."
Aizen smiled. "Not if your initial defection wasn't an effort to acquire more power because you were jealous of me. If it was just because you legitimately turned 'evil', then I'll still beat you to showcase my moral superiority."
"... crap."
"Don't worry, I'll feel guilty about it, and wonder if our friendship was ever 'real' or just a deception." Aizen added.
"How reassuring!" Gin said. "It's nice to know you'll be so conflicted. Just in case you were curious, it wasn't real, I hate your guts, and I was planning to kill you in the end anyway."
"Well, I will always consider you my friend. That's just the sort of mercy and compassion a hero has." Aizen said sarcastically. "Yammy, kill everything you see."
"Sure thing, boss!" Yammy said, reaching his one good hand for Szyael.
"Everything that isn't on our side, Yammy." Aizen said coldly.
"You were going to kill me?" Szayel shrieked.
"Er... no?" Yammy said, somewhat guiltily. "I was just reaching for your neck because... um... er..."
"... ... ..."
"... no." Yammy finished. He then tromped out of his spot among the assembled villai- er, heroes of justice, and said. "I'm... I'm... I'm... hey, Ulquiorra, I forget what I am."
Ulquiorra sighed in annoyance. "You're the giant guy who looks intimidating, but then makes friends with a kitten or something and shows he has a soft side."
"Eh? I don't have a kitten. I ate a kitten once, does that count?" Yammy asked in confusion.
"... Fine. Then you're the boisterous bruiser who enjoys combat for the sheer thrill of it." Ulquiorra said.
"Hey, that's me!" Nnoitra said. "Don't try to take my spot, jerk!"
"Also, I don't really enjoy combat. I mean, I like killing, but fighting sucks. I always get parts of my body chopped off." Yammy said, waving his stump-arm to illustrate this.
"Okay! Fine!" Grimmjow interjected. "You like complaining so much? From now on, you have to be the stupid one. How's that? You like that? Tough, you don't get a choice. From this point on, your role is to be the stupid guy on the hero's team whose job it is to do something dumb and ruin everything for comic relief. You're Gilligan."
"Um... okay, that's easy to understand!" Yammy said cheerfully.
"You're... you're happy about being labeled the stupid one." Ulquiorra said.
"Eh, somebody has to do it, right?" Yammy said.
"... ... ... I hate you, Yammy." Ulquiorra said tonelessly.
"All right, everyone! I'm the..." Yammy began, turning back to his intended prey... only to discover that while he had been ignoring them, they had all run away.
Grimmjow snorted. "Ooooh, looks like Gilligan screwed up. Biiiiiig surprise." Other words of 'encouragement' quickly followed:
"Way to fail, Yammy."
"I thought your hand got cut off, but now I wonder if maybe you just forgot to bring it with you, doofus."
"You suck and everything bad is your fault!"
"... being the stupid one isn't very fun after all." Yammy said.