Thirty-seven

"You think everything's okay with them?" Olivia asked, helping Ed change the sheets on their bed that evening. Noah was content in front of a movie, munching on some popcorn, so Olivia had joined her husband as he got the house ready for their departure to the city and subsequent return after her treatment.

"Hard to tell," he said, tucking the last corner of the top sheet and signaling for her to hand him the comforter. "Trevor's a good guy and he's been rock solid. So I'm surprised he took off like this. But, at the same time, maybe he needed a break."

Olivia let out a grunt and shook her head.

"You're probably right," she admitted. "I just hope Charlie was really okay with him leaving. And taking Lizzie."

Ed paused and looked at his wife. She had a wistful look on her face.

"Doesn't seem like you are okay with it?"

She smiled and gave him a soft shake of her head. "No, not really," she whispered. "But, I'll talk to Charlie when she gets back. And if she's okay, I'll be okay too. I just know her well enough to know that, even if she wasn't okay with it, she would never voice that."

Ed checked his watch before putting the pillows in place and moving to the chair by their bedroom window. Olivia immediately followed him and plopped into his lap, allowing him to hold her and breathe her in.

Charlie had departed with Trevor and Lizzie several hours ago, deciding she wanted to see them off from JFK herself. It was about three hours to the airport from their Long Island home, and Ed tried to insist he tag along, but his daughter politely declined.

"I'll be fine," she had said, finally convincing him to back off. "We need some time, just us."

Ed reluctantly let it go, but Olivia had been able to tell he was concerned as the afternoon and evening pressed on. Of course, she was too.

"She should be back sorta soon," he noted. "Their flight took off on time and even giving her an extra hour for traffic puts her back here around ten."

Olivia smiled and curled further into her husband.

"I love you," she said. "Try not to worry so much."

Ed let out a laugh. "Look who's talking."

"Touche, Captain."

The couple remained in each other's arms, enjoying the silence and the dull noise from Noah's movie with his occasional giggling filtering down the hallway and into their room. Eventually Ed grew tired of not talking and longed to hear his wife's voice.

"Ready for the last one?" He asked, unsure of what else to say. Olivia had been relatively open about her anxiety to end this treatment and be done with cancer once and for all, but Ed was still convinced she was holding back just a little bit.

"I am," she said softly, nuzzling her face into his neck. "I'm not ready to feel shitty again, but hopefully this will be the last time. And…I'm glad all of us will be there. Together."

Ed shifted a little bit, but kept his arms securely around Olivia's waist.

"I just hope it's not too much for Noah," he wondered aloud, rehashing the same debate they had the night before, until they decided ultimately they wanted the four of them under the same roof.

"Me too. But, we'll be there. And if it is, you or Charlie can help distract him."

Ed sighed.

"It will be fine, babe," Olivia soothed, running her hand on his chest, in an attempt to comfort his anxiety. "You'll see. When we are together, it's always okay."

Noah's face was plastered to the large windows in Trevor's Manhattan apartment. The family had just gotten settled in that morning and Olivia was taking a quick shower before her and Ed departed for the first drip of her final series.

"You remember when we lived in the city, No?" Charlie asked him, plopping onto the window set next to where he was perched on his knees.

"Yep," he said. "All da big buildings. And we ride the train underground!"

"We sure did," she said. "I miss it sometimes. Do you?"

Noah took one more look out over Central Park and the buildings that surrounded it, before turning around and sitting by Charlie, both of their backs now against the window.

"No," he finally said. "The other school was no fun. And now we have a BIG YARD and me and Lizzie can run around and I play baseball!"

Charlie smiled and pulled her little brother into her side for a quick hug, shaking him a bit and causing some laughter.

"It's a good life, huh?"

"Yep. A goooooood life."

Just then, Ed came in from the bedroom and stretched.

"You two have plans today?" He asked, hoping they had things to occupy their time other than sitting in the apartment and stewing.

"I'm thinking the history museum," Charlie mused, a smirk growing as Noah reacted to her idea.

"DINOS!" He yelled, jumping up and doing a celebratory dance. "Good idea, Charlie. Let's go right now."

Ed and Charlie laughed at his excitement.

"In a minute," Charlie said. "Dontcha wanna say bye to Mommy?"

Noah stopped and looked at the two adults.

"Yes," he said. "She gonna get da drip that makes her sick?"

Ed knelt down and took his son's hands, Charlie choosing to make a quick exit and give them some time.

"She is, pal," Ed said in his soft voice, primarily reserved for his son. "But remember, the drip may make her sick right now…but it…"

"Makes the cancer go away," Noah recited, interrupting Ed and showing that he remembered. But for some reason, it broke Ed's heart a little bit with the tone of his little voice. Not knowing what else to say, he pulled Noah into his chest and kissed the top of his head.

"I love you, Noah," he said softly. "And so does Mommy. And we want you to enjoy the dinosaurs with Charlie today, then maybe we can have some yummy pizza for dinner. Okay?"

Noah pulled back slightly, his eyes lighting up at the thought of pizza. "Mommy too?"

"She may not feel that great, or eat the pizza," Ed cautioned, "but Mommy will absolutely be here with us tonight. Okay?"

"Okay, Daddy."

A few hours later while their children happily explored The Museum of Natural History, Ed and Olivia took their usual place in the chemo-bay. The nurse already had them set up and the drugs had been slowly dripping into Olivia's arm for about half an hour. Ed, per usual, had pulled his plastic chair as close to her recliner as he could get and he was tracing circles up and down the arm that didn't have an IV. Olivia was still feeling okay and she had her head turned so she could watch her husband, both of them content to just stare into each other's eyes for the moment. Ed watched as Olivia's eyes began to glaze over and tried to move even closer.

"Ya okay?" He rasped, moving his fingers from her arm up to her face, tracing her jawbone. But Olivia didn't answer, she just kept looking at him, giving him a silent no. "Okay," Ed said, moving so they were nose to nose. "Okay, baby. I'm right here. It'll be okay, Liv."

"I don't wanna do this," she said, her voice almost too soft to be heard. But Ed heard his wife loud and clear, including the building tears behind the words, and it snapped his heart in two.

"I'm here," he kept promising, not knowing what else to say, because they both knew she had to go through this last treatment, as well as the next several days of feeling confused and consistently being sick. "I'm gonna be right here, okay? I'm not gonna let anything happen to you."

"Ed…" she moaned, and he knew that moan. He tried to quickly move for the usual mauve-colored bin the nurses left with them for when she got sick, but he didn't move in time. Olivia threw up several times, unable to catch her breath in between and getting it all over both her and Ed. "I can't…breathe…" she said, and Ed could hear the panic in her voice as he finally got her the bucket and she continued to throw up harshly. He quickly stripped his now-gross sweater off, tossing it on the ground, leaving him in his gray t-shirt, and instantly moved to Olivia, rubbing her back and whispering to her.

"Take a deep breath, baby," he coached. "You're okay. Just calm down and try to breathe."

Eventually the vomiting stopped and Olivia collapsed back against the chair, tears streaming down her face. By that point two nurses had joined them, and were working quickly to clean the area. Needing to get Olivia's clothes changed, they briefly unhooked the IV and allowed Ed to get her into a fresh t-shirt and yoga pants. Ten minutes later, she was settled back in her chair, IV flowing, but this time Ed had sat down first and was now holding her in his lap.

"Ed…your legs…are gonna fall asleep," Olivia tried to meekly argue, but Ed wasn't having it.

"I'll be fine. You're the priority right now." He said, kissing her cheek. "Now, let's get this drip done, and get you home and in bed."

Noah was skipping along the sidewalk, holding Charlie's hand as they made their way out of Central Park and onto Fifth Avenue. After leaving the museum it was still light and relatively warm, so they opted to cut across the park, pausing momentarily for Noah to run around a few coveted play areas. Now as they emerged, Charlie admired their surroundings and looked down at Noah.

"What kinda pizza ya want tonight?" She teased, knowing the little boy only had one favored topping.

"EXTRA CHEESE" he yelled, jumping a little bit and tugging her hand. "We go ta Joe's?"

"Nah," Charlie said with a smile. "Joe's is at home. We'll go to the place on the corner from the apartment. Want anything else?"

"Cookies?"

"Deal."

The duo crossed the street at the direction of the walk signal and made their way towards the popular spot on Madison and 83rd. Charlie had called ahead so their order was ready; a large cheese pizza and a couple of pasta dishes, along with a side of plain pasta in case Olivia was up to eating. The waitress, clearly amused with the cute, polite child as he waited for his sister to sign the bill, snuck a few treats in the bag and winked at him.

"Cookies and brownies," she said. "No nuts, don't worry."

Noah's face lit up as he looked at Charlie.

"Cookies AND brownies, Charlie!"

She laughed, thanked the lady, and handed Noah the bag with the pastas and treats. "Hold this tight, Noah," she instructed. "And I'll get the pizza."

"Okay," he said, happy to have a grown-up job. The pair strolled the small walk back west, only having to pass a few building entrances before entering Trevor's. "Dis a fancy building, Charlie. Trevor like fancy?"

She chuckled and nodded to the doorman who held the double doors open, ushering Noah towards the elevator and allowing him to hit "up."

"Sometimes," she responded. "Trevor works very hard so he can keep this apartment."

"I like it."

"Me too."

Noah hummed a little bit as the elevator rose, occasionally making faces at himself in the mirrored walls of the elevator. As the car beeped, alerting them to the arrival on their floor, Noah got out first and led the way, his head bopping from side to side. Charlie followed behind, opting to watch her brother's pure bliss of life instead of catching up to him. She knew that he understood their mother was sick, but it was like he was able to compartmentalize better than every single adult in their family, and still make the best of his outings. Proving her point, Noah paused at the door and let Charlie catch up.

"Don't wanna knock and wake up Mommy if she not feeling well," he explained as Charlie opened the door and let him in, noticing the apartment was dimly lit and quiet. Noah had made a good decision.

"Good call, brother," she said. "Put the bag on the island and go wash up. I'll check on mom and dad."

Charlie knocked lightly and, hearing no response, cautiously opened the bedroom door, her heart constricting at the sight. Olivia was curled up on her side, though she couldn't see any of her features, because she was completely ensconced by Ed's body, his arms holding her securely, both adults sounds asleep. A light snore would escape each time Ed let out a breath, and Charlie saw the flutter of Olivia's sleeve as the air passed by her. Deciding they needed their rest, she backed out slowly, making sure the door closed silently behind her, and made her way back into the kitchen. With Noah still in the bathroom, she dug around for the hidden bottle of bourbon and threw back a large sip, sighing out in relief.

"A couple sips won't hurt," she reasoned, taking one more before stowing the bottle and locking the cabinet again, just in time for Noah's return. The little boy climbed onto a bar stool and looked around, his face scrunched up in thought.

"Where Mommy and Daddy?" He asked, confused as to why it was still so quiet.

"They are asleep," Charlie explained. "Tired from the hospital. So why don't get fix our plates and watch some cartoons while we eat? They'll be up soon."

"Ooooh! Great idea, Charlie!" Noah said, carefully selecting the largest slice of pizza in the pie, grabbing a napkin, and carrying his plate to the couch, still just humming away.

Ed groggily padded out from the bedroom, rubbing his eyes and stifling a yawn. Charlie was just cleaning up as he entered the kitchen, moving to kiss her head and open the fridge.

"Everything okay?" She asked, eyeing him and noticing he looked out of it.

"Yeah," he replied, grabbing one of Olivia's gatorades for himself and taking a few swigs. "Slept too long during the day, that's all. Where's Noah?"

"Tub," Charlie reported. "He likes this big bathtub, and he was covered in brownie and ice cream."

Ed just laughed and grabbed the container of ravioli to warm up. "Of course he was."

Charlie finished the last dish, dried it, and put it away before turning around and leaning against the counter, watching her dad watch the pasta spin in the microwave.

"How did it go today?" She finally asked.

Ed just shrugged. "About the same. She made it about half an hour before getting sick. Then she was just completely out of it. Finally kept her anti-nausea pills down long enough to fall asleep and hasn't stirred since."

"And you?" Charlie prodded, knowing her dad was pushing himself to be the strong one. He just shrugged again, opened the microwave to stir his dinner, and put another minute on the timer.

"Today during treatment, right before she got sick…she looked at me. Her eyes looked so tired and she said 'I don't want to do this', and it gutted me Charlie," he said, pouring a little bit of his pain out, knowing the load he carried was too heavy. "And I can't do anything to help her."

"Nonsense," Charlie said quickly. "Maybe you can't make her physically feel better, but you're right there next to her. And she needs that. She needs you."

"She needs all of us," Ed countered.

"Good thing we aren't going anywhere then, huh old man?" Charlie sassed back, causing Ed to smile a little bit. "Listen. You sit out here, eat your pasta, drink a beer, don't let Noah prune…and I'll go sit with Momma for a bit. Let you take a breather. Okay?"

Ed smiled and pulled Charlie into his side for a quick hug. "Love you."

Charlie just winked and brushed passed him, slipping into the bedroom. Ed waited until he was alone and let a long sigh out, dropping his head and bracing against the counter.

"A few more days," he whispered, trying to bury the mountain of anxiety that kept threatening to surface, that same anxiety that told him the treatment may not have worked. But he shook his head as the microwave beeped, refusing to let his mind go there. "A few more days."

Charlie crawled into bed with Olivia and leaned against the headboard, watching her sleep. The older woman began to mumble a little bit, so Charlie moved to caress her head and whisper to her.

"You're okay Momma," she said. "I'm right here."

"Charlie?" She mumbled, attempting to open her eyes, but she winced.

"It's me," Charlie confirmed. "What do you need?"

"Water," she whispered. Charlie leaned over her mother's body and got her bottle of water, unscrewing the cap and lifting her head up gently so she could take a sip. She quickly cleaned the dribble with her sleeve then re-screwed the cap, leaving the bottle back on the night stand.

"Better?"

"Much."

"Here," Charlie whispered, opening her arms and adjusting their bodies. "Come here…"

Olivia moved so her head was laying on Charlie's lap, and she patted her leg.

"Sweet girl," she mumbled, right before she nodded back off. "My sweet girl."

"Just rest, Momma," Charlie said, letting those words go right into her soul. "Just rest. We're all right here."

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