Forever and Always
Happy New Year
Christmas had come around with startling speed. Severide was on shift on the 24th so when he finally arrived home on Christmas Day morning he sneaked quietly into their bedroom. He slipped into bed with Casey, who despite the central heating being on full, was wearing two layers and had slept with two extra blankets, without Severide under the covers with him he really felt the cold.
"Morning, baby," Severide greeted him softly.
"Morning…" Casey responded tiredly, eyes still closed as Severide kissed his lips. He moved his head a fraction. "Mmm… not brushed my teeth…"
"I don't care." He smiled, running a hand through Casey's bed hair. "Spent a whole day without you."
"You wanna wrestle with the cats, put those outfits on them?" Casey asked, smiling, eyes now open. "Can't risk getting scratched." He laughed before sitting up and swallowing a couple of pills dry. He'd already taken his morning medications down with some water and the glass now sat empty on the night stand.
"Ah now you're learning to use it all as an excuse." Severide grinned. "I'm gonna go get lunch started then I'll be back." He made to moved but Casey's hand came out of the covers and grabbed his arm weakly.
"No, don't want any." He shook his head.
"No excuses, you're gonna eat a proper Christmas lunch." He moved away from Casey, breaking the fragile grip on his arm, but stopped at the door and turned back. "Just take a breath, you do want lunch. It's the meds screwing with you, remember?"
Casey sighed. "Sure," he accepted reluctantly.
Severide left the room. He couldn't wait for the antirejection medication dosage to be reduced, he kept reminding himself, and Casey, that a lot of his behaviour and a lot of his issues at the moment were because of the pills but it was incredibly hard on both of them, even more so on Severide as he took the brunt of Casey's moods. Once he had done most of the preparation for lunch and put the meat into the oven he went back into their bedroom. Casey was up and pulling clothes out of the dresser so Severide lay back down on the bed, watching him, smiling.
Casey stopped what he was doing and moved over to Severide, reaching out and uncrossing his legs, carefully getting onto the bed with the aim of gently straddling his thighs, but he lost his balance and ended up flat down across Severide's front, winding him in the process.
"God, Matt… what are you doing?" Severide huffed, trying to catch his breath, but still grinning at Casey's failed attempt at subtlety.
Casey couldn't control his laughter. "I'm so sorry… ow… that hurt…"
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine…"
"You said ow?"
"Think I dislocated my elbow… it doesn't hurt now but it did… I can't move, I'm sorry…" He was still smiling though as he lay there flat on top of Severide.
"What were you trying to do?" Severide repeated, grinning up into Casey's face, now only a few centimetres from his own. He knew exactly what he had been trying to do, he could have stopped him but he didn't have the heart.
"Seductively start making love to you… I heard a crack… I hope that was my leg and not your chest…"
"Don't worry, you're not that heavy. You can't move?"
"Can you breathe?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Well I'll just stay here for a bit."
"All right..." Severide's eyebrows rose in anticipation and he wound his arms around Casey, circling one hand on his back.
A little later they exchanged their presents whilst dinner was cooking in the oven. Casey had bought Severide the watch he'd been pondering over buying for almost a year, never actually doing so because he didn't want to spend that much on something for himself. He loved it and got Casey to put it onto his wrist immediately, telling Casey he shouldn't have bought it.
"I was kinda sick of you questioning whether or not you should just buy it, so really getting it has benefitted me." Casey grinned, pleased that Severide was happy with the present.
"Here..." Severide smiled as he passed Casey a small box, giving the wrapping paper from his own present to the cats who'd been hanging around in their room most of the morning.
Casey studied the present with a smile. "Well, it's not small enough to be a ring…" he began teasingly. "And not big enough to be a whole new leg…"
"Just open the damn present." Severide chuckled. "If you don't like them I can send them back and swap them for something…"
"Kelly… it probably sounds cheesy but I don't care, must have said it so many times now, but I'm happy just being here with you, spending the day with you. That's all I care about. Really."
Severide just smiled warmly at that. "Well, still, I can exchange them if you don't like them."
Casey laughed as he ripped the paper away from the box. "They're brilliant, thank you…" he leant over and kissed Severide softly.
"I thought they'd be good when you… when you aren't having such a good day, you can switch off from everything. Made you a new playlist for you to put on your phone too. You really like them?"
"They're great, never had such fancy headphones!" Casey was grinning from ear to ear as he looked at the box. "They're wireless?"
"Yeah." Severide nodded. "They're totally wireless, noise cancelling, and the sound quality… well, I tried them in the store and they're brilliant. Much better than the little white things you use."
"Thank you, really I don't think I've…"
Casey was about to continue when Severide held an index finger to his lips and stopped him. "Please don't tell me you've never had such a thoughtful gift before because if you haven't then I'm gonna have to get you lots more stuff," Severide spoke almost seriously, his hand rested softly on Casey's upper chest now.
"I don't need stuff." He smiled, leaning in and kissing Severide again. "Lunch smells good," he commented, changing the subject when he pulled away.
"Ah yeah, lunch, I better go check on it." Severide stood up from the bed.
"I'll…" Casey managed to get one word out before Severide just shook his head.
"You'll do nothing but stay in bed," he spoke as he threw on his robe. "And remain topless," he threw back over his shoulder as he left the room, leaving Casey teasing Pumpkin with some of the wrapping paper.
The day wore on and soon Severide was clearing away the dishes as Casey sat at the kitchen counter, he was organising his pills for the upcoming week. There was a notepad open by his side and a pen in his hand. He jotted down the amount of medication he had left, calculating how long they would last.
"Need me to stop by the pharmacy before next week?" Severide queried when he saw a frown cross Casey's face.
"I can do it."
"Might as well do it when I'm my way home from shift… unless you want to do it?"
Casey shrugged a little. "Do kinda want to get out the apartment. Think I'll last until we're at the hospital though, I'll just pick them up then."
"You worried?"
He shook his head. "Not really."
"Good." Severide turned back to the job in hand, then heard something clatter onto the tiles.
"Oh damnit…" Casey swore as he watched the neatly organised organiser fall onto the floor, scattering pills in all directions from all the compartments. He'd been closing the last compartment when his hand had tremored, it was still trembling now and his fingers had stiffened.
Severide wheeled around quickly and bent down by Casey's chair. "I've got it, baby."
Casey sighed audibly, watching helplessly as Severide carefully gathered up the scattered pills.
Severide turned to look up at his dismayed expression. "Don't worry about it."
Despite the weather they spent the next day together at the boat yard, Casey wanted to make the final touches to Violet's present. They were away skiing for the holidays up in Canada so Casey and Severide were going to deliver it to her once they were back.
Severide stood back and admired Casey's work. "It looks great, she'll love it."
Casey grinned. "Did you expect it to look awful?"
"Well, you've not done much woodwork before," he commented. "But you are such a perfectionist with everything."
"It's been good," Casey spoke. "Nice to complete something for once."
"You realise we're gonna have to test it out, right? For safety purposes of course." He smiled, only half serious.
"You've got no faith in my abilities?" Casey retorted, smoothing one hand over the wood, a small look of pride on his face.
"Well, you haven't made one of these before, not as far as I know anyway."
"Fine." Casey nodded, smiling at his inability to say no to Severide. "You can test it out… purely for safety purposes."
"Yes…" Severide was grinning. "You gotta have a go too."
Casey's smile fell. "Can't."
"Of course you can!" Severide responded enthusiastically, trying hard to encourage him.
"I'll just end up hurting myself or something," he replied quietly.
"Spoil sport," Severide teased, a boyish gleam in his eyes.
Distressed now Casey shook his head. "Kel…"
"C'mon I know the perfect place to take it, used to go there all the time when I was a kid." He reached out a hand ready to help Casey get up off the wooden bench where he was sitting.
"Kelly, I said no," he protested.
Severide smiled. "Live a little. You'll be fine. Besides, what more damage could you do?" He desperately wanted to show Casey he could still do all sorts of activities, he really had been stuck in the apartment far too long.
Just over an hour later the two of them were standing at the top of the easy paths in Dan Ryan Woods. It was much quieter than Severide could remember despite the hour of the day, only a few families were there, children were chattering and shouting, screaming with joy as they raced down the slopes to the bottom on their sleds. Casey had made it to the top without too much difficulty and they were now standing in a quiet section at the top. The drive had taken only half an hour, but the rest of the time was taken up with Casey's laborious journey to the top with his walker and Severide's help.
Severide sat himself on the newly crafted sled that Casey had made for Violet, and was ready to take off down the slope. They were wearing waterproof outerwear and Casey was still bundled in the bright red hat, scarf and gloves so only the top half of his face was exposed.
"Getting on?" Severide asked.
Casey shook his head. "It's not big enough for both of us," he replied.
"I'll bring it back up for you, then" Severide said. "It's your only way down, unless you want to walk," he teased.
Casey watched with nervous anticipation as Severide slid down the slope, the sled worked perfectly, just as he'd suspected, his only worry was his own turn. Severide had a knack of getting him to do stuff, a good thing really or he'd not end up doing much nowadays. He'd lost his confidence and his enthusiasm over the last couple of years. He'd become rather isolated, mostly his own doing. He'd cut himself off from most the people he knew and rarely ventured out, but he wasn't entirely unhappy because of that, he'd had enough pitying glances to last him a lifetime.
He was deep in thought as Severide made the journey back up the slope after giving him a big enthusiastic thumbs up. "She's as solid as a rock and flies like the wind, baby," Severide told him when he reach the top. "Your turn." He smiled after helping Casey onto the sled. "Don't break your leg."
"Not sure I'd get a replacement from a sledding accident." Casey smiled back at him.
"Yes! He's smiled!"
"Shut up, Kelly..." He shook his head. "Hang on… how you getting down? I'm not walking back up and you need to…"
"I'll walk down with the walker. Don't worry I'm not gonna leave you stranded. Now, hold on and stay towards to the right hand side, it's smoother."
"Yes mom," he exasperated.
Severide gave the sled a good shove and watched as Casey took off down the slope, picking up speed as he went. He was grinning as he walked down with the walker until the very moment that Casey overbalanced on the sled and ended up hitting a solid snowdrift, flying off and landing face down.
"Matt?" he called, walking quicker down the slope now, but Casey didn't move and his walk turned into a run, abandoning the walker three quarters of the way down. "Matt?" he skidded on his knees by Casey's side, feeling a wave of relief when Casey moved. "Are you…"
He never finished because he saw how Casey was sniggering, trying to hold back his laughter.
"Don't do that!" Severide exclaimed, although the relief he felt far outweighed his annoyance.
Casey spoke through his fit of laughter. "You were so worried!"
"Of course I was, you idiot, you're gonna give me a heart attack one day!" Severide helped him to sit up. Casey's entire front and head was covered in clumps of snow and ice. He grinned at Severide, trying to brush the snow off himself.
"Let's do it again," Casey announced once he'd shaken off most of the snow.
"Again?"
He nodded. "I'm exhausted but yeah, again… if you don't mind helping me?"
"I love helping you, I'll always help you," Severide reassured him. "Can you get up?"
"Can I get up?" he repeated, grinning. "Of course I can't." He laughed again. It made Severide happy to see Casey not take himself so seriously, and to find the humour in his situation.
Severide got up and recovered the sled before getting Casey to his feet. "Right, I'll pull you back up, face downhill and…"
"You're kidding, right?"
"Not kidding," Severide replied, smiling. "I could do with the workout anyway."
It was almost the New Year. After their shift had ended Severide went to find Shay, he caught her in the locker room. "Hey," Severide began, leaning against one of the lockers. "You wanna grab some breakfast together?"
"Sure…" A slight frown creased her brow as she picked up her bag.
"You don't sound very sure?"
"Well you usually rush home to Casey?" she pointed out, half questioning Severide's reason not to go straight home.
"Yeah, well, I've not spent much time with my best friend lately, we should have a catch up," he spoke.
"Sure then, breakfast sounds good, I'll follow you?"
"All right." He nodded, pleased.
They headed over to a diner close by and chatted about work whilst they ate their cooked breakfasts and drank coffee.
"So why did you really want to have breakfast?" Shay asked. Her curiosity got the better of her now they were fifteen minutes in and Severide still hadn't broached anything remotely serious. "What's up?" She smiled warmly.
He just kept staring down into the mug of steaming dark liquid. It was amazing the number of things that suddenly became fascinating when trying to avoid an issue that demanded attention. "It's Matt," he admitted.
She didn't bat an eyelid. "Figured as much."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't mean it in a bad way, it's good, Casey's the only person you've ever truly loved, never seen you so caring about anyone else, but you do hide that side of you very well."
"I think he's…" Severide sighed heavily, not wanting to believe what he was about to say to her, ashamed that he hadn't picked up on the problem sooner. "I think he's addicted to painkillers." He stopped for a few seconds, trying to gauge Shay's reaction, but she didn't seem at all shocked like he had expected. "He's taking more and more of them," he began slowly. "I've started to notice how restless he can get until he takes them, I don't think he goes half a day without any. I've started to notice… I've not just started to notice, it's been happening for a while and I've tried not to think about it, but I'm worried. I'm worried they're going to stop helping him and he's going to need something even stronger or he'll end up…." he stopped, not wanting to think about it all.
"His pain is real, Kelly," she responded.
"I know, I know that, and I don't want him to be in pain, ever, but he's gone from being concerned about taking them to just, well, to just popping them like candy," he explained, distressed. "And he doesn't have a 'you' either…"
"Doesn't have a me?" she repeated. "He has got me."
"You're my best friend" he explained. "He doesn't have a best friend, I was his best friend, me and Andy, he doesn't have someone like you are to me, I don't think he'd come to you about this, or anything that he, you know, just wanted to talk to that wasn't me… I'm making sense, right?"
She nodded. "Look, the painkillers he's taking are a little different, his situation's different to what yours was," she spoke gently. "He has a whole team of doctors, and you were taking painkillers, yes for pain, but for undiagnosed pain, his prescriptions are legal, yeah?"
"Yeah," he affirmed with a nod.
"Then I really don't think you should be so worried," she responded, smiling. "Kelly," she added. "Don't make him see pills, see his meds, as a bad thing, you know what he's like more than anyone. And you're wrong, I did get him to talk, he told me about his heart, and then he went to you. He knows he can talk to me."
"Yeah, yeah I guess. He's just all over the place at the moment. Again..." He was shaking his head as he spoke.
"He's pushing you away?"
"Not exactly," he stated after a moment. "Well, not deliberately."
"Sounds like he's on a lot of meds from what you've told me, they're probably playing havoc with him," she replied.
"That's exactly what's happening." He nodded, sighing. "But… but it's getting harder to be sympathetic, harder to not let it get to me, I know it's not really him but it is. One moment everything's absolutely fine, the next he's…"
"The next he's?" she prompted, not wanting Severide to lose momentum as he trailed off.
"I just want a break." He sighed again. "I want him to have a break, a break from all this crap. Thought his transplant would make things easier. Instead it's just brought its own set of problems."
"It's not nice on either of you, but I know you'll both get through it, you've been through too much at this point not to," she reassured him. "He's coming to the New Years thing, isn't he?" she asked.
"Yeah," he answered, smiling.
"Good, should be a good night."
"Bit of a swanky spot for us, isn't it?" Severide commented with a huge grin as he and Casey walked into the main hall where the function was being held. The place was lit by several chandeliers on the high ceiling, there were decadent murals and stone carvings on the walls.
"Thought you just wanted to get me in a tux?" Casey joked as he looked around the huge room.
"Yeah but I'd rather be getting you out of it…" Severide quipped and Casey to chuckled, his eyes sparkled. Shopping for their suits had caused yet another argument between them. Casey's mood hadn't improved one bit but Severide hadn't expected it to. They were both more than fed up of the antirejection medication side effects.
"There's Boden," Casey pointed out, breaking Severide out of his thoughts. "Who else is coming?" he asked.
"Everyone but Herrmann and Cindy, they're waiting up with their kids," Severide replied as he turned to Casey.. "You all right?"
"Yeah," he responded a little too quickly. He pulled off his Vogmask which earned a look of disapproval from Severide but nothing was said on the matter. He stuffed the mask into his jacket pocket, a look on his face that said he knew he should keep it on but wasn't going to, he didn't want to make himself feel even more uncomfortable even with the increased risk of infection he now faced.
Sensing Casey's discomfort Severide spoke. "Matt, it's fine, everyone's really missed you, you know? And we can go as soon as it hits midnight if you really want?"
"Yeah..." he muttered, not really paying much attention to what Severide was saying.
"That's the new fire commissioner," Severide commented looking over to the corner of the room.
"Suppose we can't just ignore him." He held back a sigh.
"C'mon..." Severide started making his way through the crowded hall.
As Casey followed he swiped a large glass of champagne from a tray one of the waiters was holding, he swallowed it down in one go and replaced the empty glass on the tray.
Severide walked up to the commissioner with his arm out, ready to shake his hand. "Lieutenant Severide, Squad 3," he introduced himself with a pleasant smile.
"I've heard great things." The man gave a quick nod before smiling at Casey.
Casey hesitated, still after these years not at all used to introducing himself without his title, although Severide still said he was a CFD lieutenant and always would be. "Matt Casey." He shook the man's outstretched hand.
"Truck 81." The man beamed, but the smile fell and that look that Casey hated appeared in his eyes. "How are you doing?"
"Great," Casey responded, trying to free his hand from the man's grip.
The man let go of his hand. "Back teaching soon I hope, I heard fantastic things, before and after." He was still smiling but Casey could tell he wasn't quite sure what to say to him.
"Yeah, we'll see."
"Nice meeting you both officially," the man said as someone came up and escorted him away to meet more people.
As they watched him disappear into the crowd Casey commented quietly. "Is it midnight yet?"
"Matt..." Severide turned to him. "Let's at least try and have some fun, this is supposed to be a good evening."
"You could have come on your own," he spoke.
"You're my boyfriend, wasn't gonna come without you." Severide smiled. "Look, if you really want to go then…"
"No." He shook his head. "If you want to be here then I do too." A few seconds later Casey spotted a familiar face. "Kel..." He nodded over to where the commissioner now stood at the centre of a crowd of people.
"What?"
"Your dad's here." Casey was looking over to the one of the tables.
"Let's just find the guys, don't think he's noticed us," Severide responded.
The hours wore on and Casey found himself sitting at one of the large round tables where they had been seated with some of the current crews from firehouse 51. They had all exchanged pleasantries, nothing more, and most of them were floating around the room, socialising, drinking, dancing. Severide had spent some time doing the rounds, accompanied by Casey until he had managed to excuse himself. They had been greeting other officers, chatting and speaking to various other people from CFD headquarters. Most of them Casey no longer recognised. He had realised there would be firefighters here, even officers that he wouldn't know and who wouldn't know him, and he was hit by a wave of melancholy. Most of the fire department had known his name since he had worked at two of the busiest firehouses in Chicago. It had never been his aim to be well known, but it had been something that had accompanied his position and stemmed from all the rescues he had done, and now he felt like an artefact collecting dust at the edge of the room.
Severide came back to the table where Casey was sitting, leaning forward to kiss his forehead before he sat down next to him. "All right baby?" he asked. "Want any more to eat?"
Casey shook his head. "I'm fine, are you…"
But he didn't get to finish what he was going to say as they both suddenly spotted Benny Severide, clearly the worse for alcohol, almost lurching towards them, a half full glass of beer in one hand.
"Hey, Kelly!" Benny said far too loudly, slapping his hand way too hard on Severide's back. "Matt! Hey! Didn't think you'd be here. What a nice surprise!" the sarcasm loaded words came from his alcohol fuelled brain.
"Benny," Casey greeted him with a cautious smile.
Severide shook his head at all the pleasantries. "What are you doing here?" he questioned, unsure whether to laugh or be annoyed at him.
"It's a CFD New Years Eve bash. I'm retired not dead." Benny laughed loudly. "So are you two still together together?" he spoke, eyeing Casey.
Severide didn't like the way his father looked down at Casey. "Together together," Severide repeated incredulously, standing up to match Benny's height and stare him straight in the eye. "I'm not you."
Casey sank back in his chair as the two of them exchanged words over his head.
"Well, since you both missed my Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas perhaps we could do dinner another time?"
"We were busy, and since when have you been so interested in spending holidays with me?"
"Well, you're settling down now, even I've settled down…"
"So you thought we could do the whole family thing? Bit late don't you think?"
"Kelly, your mother and I…"
Severide stopped him mid-sentence, he didn't want to hear this, not here, not now. "I'm here to celebrate the New Year with Matt, I'm not here to listen to you go on about…" he stopped, feeling Casey's hand on his arm.
"Kel," Casey spoke up. "I could really do with a glass of water or some juice. Could you?"
"Yeah, course, baby," Severide replied, the words fell quite naturally from his lips, unfazed by Casey's interrupting request.
"Baby? Baby?" Benny scoffed out of Severide's earshot as he walked away.
Casey got to his feet a little awkwardly after having been still for so long, supporting himself on the edge of the table. "I don't know what the hell you're trying to do here, but if you ever come over to us again with no intention of being polite then don't come over again. I won't let you hurt him."
"He's my son," he retorted, bending his head towards Casey so their faces were inches apart. "I'll always have his best interest in mind. And this thing you two have." Benny was shaking his head now. "It's not a good look for him. It won't sit well with his superiors when he's up for promotion. And if you had anything about you, you'd leave him and let him find someone, a woman, to settle down with and have a family with, ok?" A sneer came to Benny's face now and he could tell by the hurt look on Casey's face that he had struck a chord.
"Then you barely know your own son," Casey replied simply as he could see Severide walking back over to the table.
Severide passed Casey one of the glasses of juice, sensing the tension in the air around the two men. "Everything all right?" he asked, peering from one of them to the other and back.
"Of course, Matt and I were just chatting about old times when he was on truck…" Benny just grinned and turned to leave. "See you boys... and remember what I said, Matt, yeah?"
"Sure, Benny. Happy New Year," he replied without returning his smile.
Severide just watched as his father walked away from them back to his own table, wondering what had been said between them, but at the same time, not wanting to ask. "You really ok?" he asked, attempting to sound as casual as he could.
Casey just nodded and shrugged, taking another mouthful of the juice. "I have an idea," he spoke up after a moment and Severide turned to him. "Let's grab Shay and get out of here. Go somewhere a lot more fun." He smiled at the thought.
It wasn't long until the three of them were sitting in a nearby strip club. Casey and Severide had their shirt collars open, bow ties discarded. Severide loved the way the ambient coloured lights danced in Casey's eyes and across his face. Shay was on a mission to fetch drinks from the bar, tequila for herself and Severide, water for Casey. Severide was sure he'd smelt alcohol on his breath earlier so he was going to make sure he didn't have any more.
One of the scantily clad girls had spotted Casey and made her way over, smiling flirtatiously and she began her dance, her perfumed body oil enhancing the atmosphere as she twirled and swayed seductively next to him.
Severide felt a green beast erupting inside him. He couldn't stand to watch his boy entranced by her. He pulled a note from his wallet and stuffed it into her thong, motioning her away with his other hand. "I think that's enough."
Casey just looked over to him and grinned, still feeling the effects of the champagne he had drunk earlier in the evening. "Jealous much," he replied, watching as the young lady stepped away to another table where more people were beckoning, hands extended with dollar bills.
Shay returned, placing their drinks down on the table. "Almost midnight," she announced as she took her seat again.
As the rest of the revellers began the loud countdown to the New Year each of them picked up their drink, touching their glasses together, sitting in silence as midnight approached, all thinking. Casey just hoped the coming year would be better than the last but he wasn't about to complain, he had Severide in his life and that's all he wanted.
"Happy New Year," he spoke quietly as it hit midnight.
TBC