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Jac stood under the spray of the shower trying to force herself not to focus on the date of today. It was five thirty in the morning but sleep had proved impossible for her. Instead she had hatched a plan to keep busy. She turned the shower off and wrapped a bath sheet around herself. There was a soft knock at the door and she opened it to see Jonny stood outside as wide awake as she was.

'Hi' he smiled.

'Hi' she step back to let him into the room and the closed the door behind them. 'Jonny, I know we'd said we wouldn't work today but…'

'You need to do something' Jonny interrupted her. Jac nodded and Jonny pulled her into hug despite the fact she was still wet from the shower.

'I don't know if I can bear this' she spoke against Jonny's chest.

'You can. I promise you, you can.' Jonny kissed the top of her head. 'I speak from years of bereaved experience the dread of what should have been happy days is always worse than the actual experience of them.'

'Let's hope your theory holds water' she smiled at him. 'You really don't mind if I go and spend of few hours in the lab?'

Jonny shook his head 'I almost expected it. You do what you need to and I'll meet you later'

'You'll be ok?' she lightly kissed his lips.

'I'll be fine, I've got Jasmine and our wee miss to keep me company.' He moved a strand of damp hair that had escaped her hair tie and tucked it behind her ear. 'Just do me favour and take the car and not the bike? I'm not sure my heart could stand the worry of you hitting black ice at full speed.'

'Sure' Jac kissed him again deciding she owed him this today at least.

By the time Jac had readied herself it was gone seven before she found herself exactly where she wanted to be on this morning. The hospital chapel had been mercifully empty as she took a seat. She placed her head in her hands she remembered this day a year ago. She remembered herself seeking out Mr Thompson convinced something was wrong with her baby. She remembered telling him she had hardily felt her move at all that day. Far from being reassuring the Obs and Gynae consultant had become increasingly silent and serious as he examined the large bump containing her precious cargo. Jac's own fears had been confirmed when the ultrasound had sounded out the despairingly slow heartbeat of her unborn child. 'I need Jonny' she remembered herself saying over and over as Mr Thompson rushed around making arrangements for the emergency cesarean section that had brought forth their child into the world. 'Amelia' she had whispered to Jonny as he had wiped away her silent tears 'her name is Amelia'. Jonny had merely nodded his agreement his mind full of worry for his fiancée still on the operating table and his tiny daughter whisked away before they had been able to see her. If Jonny had been angry with her for not telling him her concerns before she'd found herself on the table he'd never voiced it. Later when Jac was in recovery Jonny had returned from the neo natal unit bursting with pride and photographs. He had praised her for giving Amelia the best chance possible by going to Mr T when she had. It hadn't been enough though Jac thought bitterly to herself.

'I thought I'd find you here today' a female voice Jac recognised spoke softly as its owner took a seat next to her. Jac lifted her head to look at woman seated beside her.

'Hello Reverend' she managed to smile at the middle aged brunet woman seated beside her.

'I hope you weren't berating God in your thoughts just now' Reverend Alice Timmins joked.

'No not this time. Just myself.'

'Ah what if-ing' the woman smiled at Jac. 'Rational or irrational?'

'Irrational' Jac admitted.

'I'm guessing today you needed peace and space to process those illogical thoughts' the reverend mused.

'Well it was either here or the morgue' Jac answered her joshingly. 'The morgue doesn't have heating.'

'Touché' Alice chuckled. 'Did you want to talk about Amelia?'

Jac started to shake her head but then she spoke 'I can remember the day we had her christened so clearly. She was a month old and I can remember the exact weight of her as I held her in my arms and the sound of her cry when you baptised her. I don't have those memories at home.'

'I remember that day too. She was a gorgeous little girl Jac.' The reverend considered Jac for a moment. 'Do you talk about memories of Amelia with Jonny?'

'Sometimes' Jac shrugged 'maybe not often enough. Jonny finds it too hard.' Jac became thoughtful for a moment. 'Is it bad that I wanted to come here on my own?'

'Did you talk about it with Jonny?'

'I told him I was going into work. He said he understood.'

'Then no it's not a bad thing so long as you understand each other.'

'He said today wouldn't be as unbearable as I thought I would be. So far he is right.' Jac chewed on her bottom lip as she thought about what she wanted to say. 'I sometimes feel like he hides behind his previous experiences of grief. It's as though he knows its gets easier so he pretends he's already there. Does that make any sense?'

'Prefect' Alice smiled at Jac. 'Do you think he puts up this façade just for you or is it always there?'

Jac shrugged. 'At first it wasn't there but then I guess after a while he decided the strong one would be him. Possibly he might let it slip with his best friend Mo but it's never in front of me.'

'Should I give him a call today? As his friendly reverend making a social call on an important day?'

'Would you mind?' Jac looked grateful

'Of course not. It's part of my job.'

'You know what I don't understand?' Jac asked 'How come you've agreed to marry us here when you know I'm an atheist?'

'Well firstly I love a good wedding and also because I think you are more agnostic than you realise Jac' the reverend chuckled again.

'How'd you work that one out?' Jac gave the woman a questioning glance.

'Well for one thing you are never afraid to discuss philosophy with me, and when you do you show the freedom that everyone has to believe what they want to. You've never once in the three years I've been here berated a patient on their faith. I've seen you berate them for multiple reasons but never on the matter of faith. And most importantly when we discussed your faith you didn't say to me I don't believe in God you said God abandoned me a long time ago'. Alice placed a comforting hand over Jac's. 'It might not be clear in your own head but I would say you have reasonable doubt as to the non-existence of God.'

'Ok' Jac nodded as she thought through Alice's arguments. 'Just don't go prophesying your theory to everyone in the hospital.'

'I'm a priest' Alice smiled at Jac 'I get to hear all the good gossip but I only share it with Him.'

'Do you mind if I stay here for a while?' Jac asked.

'Of course not' the reverend patted Jac's hand as she stood up. 'Take as long as you need.'

At half eight Jac had stealthily moved her way down to the research lab. She had turned on her laptop and opened the document containing the latest research paper but so far she had yet to have started work on it. The door opened and Elliot Hope appeared holding a coffee, a banana and a croissant.

'I've brought you breakfast.' He smiled kindly as he set the coffee and the food down in front of Jac.

'How'd you know I was here?'

'I guessed you would make an appearance today' he sat down opposite his colleague.

'Thanks' Jac smiled as she took a sip of the strong coffee.

'You've got to eat something too though' Elliot spoke sternly.

Jac shook her head 'I can't. Not today.'

'Let me guess, it feels as though there is a rock in your stomach?'

Jac nodded. 'Does that feeling ever go away?'

'Yes and no' Elliot smiled kindly 'mine comes back every year on Gina's birthday and on the anniversary of her death. Occasionally at Christmas but I try to enjoy Christmas because Gina would have wanted me too'

'Ava is already so excited about Christmas.' Jac smiled 'I think Jonny and Jasmine are mostly to blame for that though.'

'There's a lot going on to celebrate this year' Elliot chuckled 'with your wedding as well. Can I offer you some advice?'

'Sure' Jac nodded.

'It is hard but I sometimes I force myself to enjoy the happy days by focusing on what is and not what should have been or what might be in the future.'

'I think if I focus on Ava I can manage it.' She smiled at her old mentor.

'Right then you eat that banana , I'll eat the croissant and then I'll show you something I've been thinking about for ages for the Hertzig.'

Jac and Elliot were so engrossed in discussing their Hertzig data they hadn't heard Jonny enter the lab until he coughed loudly.

'Jonny!' Jac exclaimed with a natural smile forming on her face.

'I thought I'd bring you down some lunch' he smiled back at his fiancée

'Lunch!' Professor Hope suddenly exclaimed 'it can't be lunch time surely? I told Mo I'd only be gone for a couple of hours!'

'It's pretty quiet on the ward' Jonny reassured the Professor.

'I better get back up there all the same' Elliot smiled kindly at the young nurse as he gathered up his papers and took his leave from the lab.

'Sorry Jonny, I think we lost track of time' Jac gave Jonny a guilty look.

'Don't worry about it' Jonny smiled as he took a seat next to her. 'I glad to see you're brighter than this morning anyway.'

'What about you?'

'I'm doing ok. Reverend Timmins phoned and we had a good chat.'

'Really?' Jac feigned her innocence well.

Jonny nodded. 'She asked me if we discussed Amelia, as a couple. She made me realise that we need to keep her memory alive. I'm sorry if…' Jonny swallowed hard and Jac could see he was trying not to cry '…if I haven't always made it easy for you to talk about our daughter with me. Its just sometimes it's too hard.'

Jac leaned forward and wrapped her arms around the man she loved. 'It's ok' she whispered into his ear 'I understand, I always have.'

'I miss her so much, more than I'd have thought possible' Jonny broke down into sobs against Jac's shoulder.

Jac held him as tight as she could until his sobbing lessened. 'I miss her too' she spoke as he moved away from her.

'I know' Jonny wiped away his tears with his sleeve, nothing else being available to him. 'You occasionally talk about her in your sleep.'

'Do I?' Jac looked surprised.

'Yes' Jonny laughed softly and cupped the side of her face with one of his hands. 'I promise I'll try harder. I fact I've organised something to mark her first birthday.'

'Jonny, you didn't…'

'Just listen' Jonny cut Jac off. 'Today should have been a happy day. This time last year, putting aside the drama of her early arrival, was a momentous day. It was a miracle you and she survived the delivery. We should mark Amelia's birthdays.'

'Ok' Jac nodded. 'But in February…'

'I can't mark that day in February either' Jonny gave Jac a sad smile as he cut her off again 'that will be too hard. I think that day should just be you and me, unless we decide otherwise nearer the time.'

'Ok' Jac smiled softly and leaned in to kiss him lightly on the lips. 'we should have discussed this earlier' she commented as they broke apart. 'At least we'd have known we were both on the same bloody page.'

'Agreed' Jonny laughed 'but to be fair to us, we've had a bit on our plate at the moment'

At three in the afternoon a candle lit gathering took place in the peace garden where Amelia's ashes had been scattered many months ago. Jac and Jonny's family and friends were joined by the doctors and nurses who had cared for Amelia during her short life. Reverend Alice Timmins led them in prayers and a reading, reminding them this was not to be a sad occasion, but a thanksgiving for baby Amelia Naylor-Maconie. 'The dead are not truly gone if they remain on the lips of living' the reverend had smiled at Jac and Jonny as she spoke those words.

As Elliot Hope read out David Harkins 'She is gone' Jac felt her sister take her gloved hand in her own. Jac looked down at her sister, seated in the wheelchair with Ava sitting patiently on her lap, and gave her a small smile which Jasmine returned.

As they walked the short distance to Albies to warm up after standing in the cold Jac linked her arm through her grandfathers. 'Thank you for coming' she spoke to him softly.

'I wouldn't have missed it for the world' he squeezed Jac's arm lightly. 'I'm glad you did something to mark Amelia's day.'

'It was Jonny's idea but I'm glad too' she smiled full of relief today hadn't been has difficult as she had imagined it would be.

'Michael?' Jac heard Ava ask her god father as they walked just ahead of them with Ava held protectively in his arms 'where did baby Amelia come from?'

'She was Auntie Jac's and Uncle Jonny's baby, you know that' Michael spoke patiently to the child knowing Ava had been told about Amelia many months ago when she'd noticed the 'baby in the pictures' in the flat.

'No I mean where did she come from to be Auntie Jac's baby?'

'Oh um…' Michael looked round him for help. '...um' he continued as the entered the bar. Granddad George chuckled to himself as he walked over to where Jasmine and Mo had seated themselves. 'When a mummy and daddy are very much in love' Michael began to say leaving Jac dreading what he was going to say next 'the love makes a baby grow in the mummy's tummy. Now how would you like a nice lemonade?' he decided to distract the child from any more questions.

Jac caught hold of Jonny's hand as he made his way up to the bar. 'Thank you' she smiled at him.

'It was a good idea wasn't it?' he smiled back.

'I was thinking we could get a Christmas tree on the way home' Jac spoke casually 'maybe make it a tradition on this day too?'

Jonny pulled Jac into his arms and planted a kiss firmly on her lips, not caring the whole bar could see them. 'Ava, how would you like to help us to choose the best Christmas tree ever?' Jonny asked the little girl as he released Jac.

'Yeah!' the little girl cheered her eyes full of excitement.