Thank you for all your wonderful comments on the last chapter Despite what I told everyone who cared to ask, I ended up using "Razor" for this story after all. I haven't seen the movie yet, but after reading the transcript, I just couldn't leave it out. I hope I didn't interpret what I read in the transcript too wrong. This chapter is unbeta'd, so please ignore any mistakes I made.
"I'm so, so sorry. I didn't see you. Are you all right? You're not hurt, are you? Oh Gods, you're bleeding. I … I'm gonna call an ambulance and …" Anxiously she stared at the man, who was still sitting on the ground in front of her car, and rattled down the words that came to her mind.
"I'm fine." He said for the fifth time. When was this woman ever going to listen to him? "And it's not your fault. I wasn't looking and just ran on the street. I'm lucky you are such a careful driver, or else I might have gotten seriously hurt." He forced himself to smile despite the pain in his side where her car had hit him. He hoped his words would calm her down. She looked as if she would hyperventilate any moment.
"Are you sure? Maybe a hospital …."
"I don't need a hospital. I'm fine." He winced as he stood up and leaned heavily on the car when a sharp pain flashed through his side. He was pretty sure he had a cracked rib, but a little bit of wrapping would take care of that. He didn't need to go to the hospital because of it.
"I'm Lee." He introduced himself to prevent her from bringing up calling an ambulance again. She still held the portable phone in her hand.
"Alicia." She took his offered hand. "And I'm so sorry. Here …" Alicia rummaged through her bag and after a moment pulled out a card. "That's my address. Should there be any damage that you might find out about later, just call me. Or … am, well, give it to your insurance and then they can … I don't know … sue me." She swallowed and a look of panic flashed through her eyes.
"No one is going to get sued. I'm fine, really." Lee tried to re-assure her. "Like I said, this was my fault. There's a café over there. Why don't I invite you for a cup of coffee to make up for it?"
"I hit you with my car. If anyone is going to pay for the coffee, it should be me." Alicia immediately objected.
"Fine. You pay the first cup and I the second. You can park your car over there, there's a free spot." Lee smiled. He was relieved she had agreed to go to the café. She didn't look like she was able to keep driving in this state.
"Oh … okay, yeah. Just … just wait here, I'll be back in a moment." With that Alicia quickly got back into the car and drove to the parking spot Lee had pointed at.
Lee shook his head as he watched her park the car. What an idiot he had been; running on the street without even looking. He really was lucky that she had paid so much attention. If she had hit him with full speed, he might have been dead now.
"Dead like me, you mean?"
Startled Lee turned around – and stared into the dead eyes of his wife. All color drained from his face and for a moment he couldn't breathe. In front of him stood Alicia, wearing a white gown. Her wrists were slashed and blood was pouring down her hands and over her dress. Quickly a pool of blood formed around where she stood.
"Ali …"
"Are you happy now, Lee?" Alicia asked in a cold voice. "You always wanted to be free. No more burdens, no crazy wife to look after anymore. No one to force you to do things you don't want to do." She laughed, a hollow, cold laughter that send shivers through Lee's spine.
"Don't you wish I had done this much earlier?" Alicia went on, her voice sounding cynical and full of hate and disgust. "Then you wouldn't have to stay in the military. You wouldn't have to keep asking your mother for help. You could have had Kara when you wanted her so much."
"Ali, don't … don't say that. I never …"
"You killed me, Lee Adama! This is all your fault!" She screamed at him and suddenly Lee felt something wet and slick on his hands.
When he looked down at himself, he saw blood on his hands and arms, dripping down on his uniform. "No, no, I didn't …"
"You killed me! You killed me! You …"
"NOO!" With a start, Lee woke up from his sleep and sat up in bed. He was trembling all over and his eyes frantically searched the darkness for his wife.
"Daddy?"
Nia's sleepy voice brought Lee back to reality. He startled when a small lamp in the room went on and his father practically jumped from the couch.
"Lee, what's wrong?"
Lee swallowed. It took him a moment to regain his composure. When he was able to stop the trembling, his father was already at his side.
"Lee?"
"It's okay. I'm okay." He turned to his daughter, who looked at him with wide eyes. "Get back to sleep. I just had a bad dream." He forced himself to smile and then looked up at his father. "It was just a dream."
"You want to talk about it?" Adama asked softly.
"No, I'd rather go back to sleep. It's a big day tomorrow." Lee replied. He didn't look at his father, instead he lay back down and concentrated on his daughter. She had her eyes closed again already and snuggled close to him. He tugged the blanket back over her. He felt the mattress shift at the edge of the bed and heard his father's quite steps walk back to the couch.
"Good night, son."
Lee heard the worry in his father's voice. He hated being the reason for that. "Good night, Dad."
XXXXXXX
As he put down the last of their bags on the couch, Lee looked around his new quarters. They were big. Bigger even than his father's on the Galactica. He would change the single bedroom into Nia's room so that she could have a room for herself. It wasn't that important yet, but as she got older, it would be a huge advantage. The bathroom was bigger too. There was even a small bathtub in which he could bath her. She always had hated the showers.
The room looked cold and Lee tried not to think of the fact that two people had been murdered here recently. At least he hadn't had a close relationship to either of them. He hadn't even liked them. Given the time, he would make this quarters their home.
A stab of pain reminded him that this quarters would only be home for him and Nia. It was just them anymore. It was in moments like this that the memory of Alicia hurt the most. She would have loved these quarters. She had never said anything, had never complained, but he knew that the quarters they had had on Galactica had been too small for her. She needed space to breathe and she hadn't had that. Maybe that's why …
A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts. Just in time, he thought. He didn't want to dwell anymore on why Alicia had killed herself. He would never find out and he would only keep blaming himself. That would only pull him down again and how was he supposed to take care of Nia then?
Taking a deep breath he turned his attention on his waiting visitor. "Come in."
The hatch opened and a smiling Mathilda stepped into the room. "Hi, I just wanted to know if I can help you with anything. Wow …" She looked around the room. "These quarters are huge."
"They are." Lee smiled. "Nia will even have her own room. I hope you're satisfied with your new quarters as well?"
"Am I satisfied? Frak, yes." Mathilda laughed. "Please excuse the language, but my quarters are a dream. They are much bigger than the ones I had on Galactica. So no worries."
"I'm glad to hear that." Lee said relieved. He had been worried that Mathilda wouldn't like it here and would want to go back to her original ship. "Actually, it's good you're here. I need to report to CIC – I'm the new Commander after all." Lee chuckled. He still wasn't used to the sound of it. He wondered if he ever would. Commander Adama - that reminded him more of his Dad than himself. "Lt. Hoshi is expecting me in CIC; he's my escort for the day and is going to show me around later."
"You need a babysitter on your own ship?" Mathilda teased him.
"According to Hoshi, it's standard procedure on a Commander's first day." Lee shrugged. "What do I know. Since I refused to have a ceremony so soon after the funeral, I can give them at least that. Could you look after Nia until I'm back?"
"Sure." Smiling Mathilda bend down to the little girl who had been busy unpacking her toys from one of the boxes. "We can arrange your new room. What do you think, Nia?"
"With Daddy?" Nia asked.
"No, it will be just the two of us. That's a woman's job." Mathilda winked at her.
Lee knelt down next to the two of them. "I'll have to leave for a little while. You'll have fun with Mathilda, all right? I want to see some progress with unpacking when I'm back." He gave his daughter his widest smile, but Nia wouldn't hear any of it.
"I go with you, Daddy!" She insisted. Her small hands grabbed tightly on her father's arm and she didn't look as if she would let go of it anytime soon.
"Nia, you can't go with me. I have to go to work." Lee put his own hand over Nia's and gave it a comforting squeeze. He swallowed down the lump building in his throat. "We talked about that, remember?
"Daddy, no." Tears were starting to roll down Nia's face and she slung her arms tightly around her father's neck. "Don't go."
Helplessly Lee looked at Mathilda. The older woman shrugged. She didn't know what to do either. All she knew was that the little girl needed her father. And her father needed to be in CIC.
"Um …" Hesitantly Mathilda looked at Lee. "How strict are the CIC rules about non military visitors?"
"Why?" Lee looked at her dumbfounded. But when his daughter's sobbing grew louder, he understood what Mathilda was hinting at.
XXXXXXX
"Commander on deck!"
An officer announced Commander Lee Adama's arrival in CIC and all eyes immediately went to the entrance. An overly quiet silence fell over the room. No one moved or dared to speak up.
Lee let his eyes wander around CIC, taking in all the people looking at him. This wasn't exactly how he had planned his first day as a Commander, but it could have been worse.
"At ease." He said loudly and then walked up to the middle of CIC. He did his best to overplay the awkwardness of the situation. Taking a deep breath, he looked down at the console in front of him. A moment later he bend down on his knees and put the little girl, who had hung tightly on him the whole way from their quarters to CIC, on the floor. He couldn't really have left Nia behind, now could he?
"You stay right here, okay?" Lee said softly.
Nia nodded, but was too intimidated by the new surroundings to say anything.
Straightening up, Lee began to start the prepared speech he had worked on last night. He had just opened his mouth, when he felt small hands tugging on his leg. Stifling a defeated sigh, Lee did his best to not let on that there was a two year old girl hanging onto him. Inwardly, he thought that he hadn't needed to work so hard on his speech after all. After this, there was just no way he would gain these people's respect with just a few words. He didn't think that they would be impressed by him bringing his daughter into CIC.
He couldn't change that now though and after taking a deep breath, he started talking.
"My name is Lee Adama. Some of you might still know me from my short stay here as a pilot a few weeks ago. Today, I have returned to you as your new Commander." He took another deep breath. He always hated speeches and he just hoped he wouldn't blush or stumble over his words. After all, this speech was broadcasted shipwide.
"Eight months ago, the world changed. Our lives changed forever. We found ourselves shouldering responsibilities we never thought we have. Duty, honor, service. They're more than words." Lee swallowed. He still remembered his first Commander to say these words to him. He had carried them in his heart ever since. "Those are the guiding principles for those who serve in the military. And recently all have been of short supply on this ship. That's gonna change, beginning today! We can't always choose our circumstances but we can choose how we handle them. I intend to give you my all, I expect nothing less in return. Kara Thrace has already been appointed to be my acting CAG and I'll be making other officer and duty assignments in the coming days as I review your files." He let his eyes rest for a short moment on every man and woman in CIC. "This Battlestar is one half of the only protection humanity has left. It is our job to save these men, women and children out there. We fail, humanity is lost. So let's not fail. That's all."
He gave a salute to his new crew and glanced down at his daughter who looked at him with wide eyes. He wondered if she had understood anything of what he had just said.
"Arms, Daddy?" Nia demanded, stretching her arms up.
Lee could hear a few chuckles from behind. Ignoring them for now, he picked up his daughter and then turned back to Hoshi, who still stood next to him. "Anything I need to know, Lieutenant?"
"Nothing out of the ordinary, Sir. It was a quiet day." Hoshi reported.
"Those are the best." Lee smiled.
"They are indeed. Um, may I ask who your … assistant is, Sir?" Hoshi blushed slightly at the question.
Lee looked from Hoshi to the little girl on his arms. "Let's call her Secondary XO. This is Nia Adama." Somehow Lee managed to not blush at his words. Nia's eyes widened with joy.
A smile crept on Hoshi's face, even though the young man tried to look earnest. "My pleasure, um … Ensign Adama?" He looked questioningly at Lee.
"Ensign it is." Lee smiled, some of the tension and nervousness leaving his body. At least no one had out right laughed at him yet.
"Ensign Adama." Hoshi smiled at Nia and gave her a salute as well.
Always proving to be a rightful Adama, Nia raised her hand to her head and returned the salute, a wide grin on her face. "A tease." She said proudly and Hoshi couldn't help but let out a small laugh.
"She seems to be a true Adama." He grinned.
"She is." Lee agreed, stifling a sigh. Sometimes it would have been easier if Nia had inherited more of her mother. A pang of pain reminded him what that could mean. "And I wouldn't want it any other way." He added quickly.
"And will our Secondary XO join us every day now?" Hoshi asked.
Lee couldn't sense any harm in his words. The younger man really seemed to like his daughter and didn't seem to have much of a problem with this situation so far. Lee was grateful for that; it made this a lot easier. But still, he wanted to make clear from the beginning that he was as hard as any other Commander. He just had a hard time seeing his daughter cry. "No, she won't."
"Yes." Nia called out excitedly at the same time.
"This is just for today. She, um, just needs some time to adjust to the new surroundings … and everything." Lee cleared his throat. "She's a quiet girl, so just act as if she isn't here. That goes for everyone." He said a bit louder. "Just do your job as you always do. We're still at war and we can't let anything distract us from our jobs."
A few nods and mumbled "Yes, Sir" followed his words. Lee took a deep breath and turned his attention towards Dradis. "What's the CAP's status?" He asked.
"Down, Daddy."
"In a minute, Nia."
"Hawkey and Bullseye are circling the fleet. Winster and Buckshot are scouting the latest coordinates that were send by Galactica." Hoshi reported.
Lee nodded. He remembered Hawkey from his time on Pegasus when Cain was still the Commander, but the others he had no idea who they were. He had a lot of new names to learn. Sighing, he realized that he needed to read a lot of files the next few days. Maybe he could get Kara to help him. Knowing her, she already knew all deep secrets of the pilots to blackmail them into doing what she wanted.
"Daddy, down!" Nia insisted, more determined this time. Apparently she had decided that CIC wasn't a place she had to be afraid of, and now was eager to inspect her new playground.
Sighing Lee looked at his daughter. He didn't want her to run around in CIC, but he couldn't very well carry her around all the time either. He hadn't really thought that through when he had brought her here. "Don't leave my side, okay? No running around, you hear me?"
"Yes, Sir." Once again Nia gave her very own form of salute - hitting her head hard with her hand. Lee flinched every time she did that, but it didn't seem to hurt her at all.
"Don't worry, Sir. Everyone here will keep an eye on her." Hoshi told him smiling.
"That's what I'm afraid of." Lee sighed. His daughter had the rare talent to distract every man and woman just by being in the room. Already he could see half of the crew eying the little girl with smiles on their faces – the other half watched him with a mix of curiosity and suspicion, which wasn't really much better. At least they weren't laughing, so he should probably be grateful for that. He just hoped the Cylons didn't choose that very moment for an attack. He would be the first Commander in history to have destroyed a Battlestar simply by bringing his daughter into CIC. That wasn't exactly how he wanted to be remembered.
Reminding his daughter once more that she should stay at his side, Lee let her down on the floor again. As promised, Nia didn't move away from him more than a few steps and she never really let him out of her sight. It was exactly what Lee had wanted her to do and yet it worried him. She was two years old. Every instinct in her should scream out loud to do the exact opposite of what her father had told her. She should want to run around CIC and try to inspect everything.
Yet she didn't.
Lee knew the reason why. He just didn't know what to do about it.
XXXXXXX
"We need to talk." With a mixed expression, Alicia looked at him.
"Can we do this later? I'm already late." Lee replied absentmindedly. He was buttoning up his uniform, trying to listen to his girlfriend, but at the same time his thoughts were miles away.
"So am I."
Confused Lee looked up. "What do you mean?"
Alicia swallowed. "I know this isn't the right time. So shortly after Zak's funeral." She hesitated a moment when she saw the pain reflect in Lee's eyes. "But …" She stopped again and looked hesitantly at the man she loved.
"What are you talking about, Ali?" Lee asked impatiently. He wished she would get to the point. He didn't have all day.
"I'm pregnant."
Lee stared at her, too dumbfounded to say anything.
He blinked and in that millisecond Alicia's appearance had changed dramatically. Her face was ashen, her eyes looked dead. Blood was dripping from her wrist; her dress was already soaked by it.
"Don't you wish you had just turned around and left me then?" She said coldly. "No commitments, no worries. You would have been free. Why didn't you leave me, Lee? You never loved me. Not like her. You should have been honest from the beginning. Then I wouldn't be dead now!"
Her hissed words were like deep stabs into his heart.
"You killed me, Lee!"
Lee woke with a start. He wasn't screaming this time, but he couldn't stop the trembling. He cast a quick look at his daughter, but she hadn't woken up.
Lee was grateful for that little relief; tiredly he rubbed his hands over his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. The dreams shook him to the core. He didn't want to, but the question whether there was some truth to his dreams, wouldn't leave his mind. Was he responsible for Alicia's death? Had she killed herself because he hadn't been able to stay away from Kara?
Groaning he rested his head back on the pillow. He wanted the dreams to stop.
For the rest of the night, Lee lay still with his eyes open. He didn't want to go back to sleep.
XXXXXXX
"How did Dad ever do this? I bet he knew every name of every single member of his crew even before he ever stepped on board the Galactica." Lee groaned. A huge pile of files lay on the table in front of him. And these were just from the flight crew. He hadn't even begun to start reading the files of all the other crew members.
„I'm sure the Old Man had the same problems as you. And don't forget that he had a lot more time to get accustomed. He wasn't thrown into the position; he knew at least a month in advance. He had enough time to collect all the information he needed." Kara replied, stifling a yawn. She leaned against the couch which stood in one corner of the Commander's quarters. A soft, comfortable couch that somehow didn't fit to any furniture she would have associated with Cain, but it seemed to fit perfectly to Lee. As if Cain, when she had chosen the couch, had known that he would own it one day.
"I've been working on this ship as a pilot and still I don't even know half of them by name." Frustrated Lee threw the file he had been reading on the table. He was glad that they had decided not to work at his desk. As boring and tiring as this task was, at least they sat comfortable – the files outspread in front of them on the table and the two of them sitting on the floor with their backs resting against the couch.
"That's because you're not a people person, Apollo." Kara teased him. "Most of your time here you lay on your rack, brooding or reading. If you had taken the time to talk to some of the people here …"
"You tried that and they successfully ignored you." Lee quipped.
"Yeah, but at least I learned the names by cursing at them." Kara laughed. "Don't worry. No one expects you to know everyone's name after the first day. It'll come with the time."
"I hope you're right." Lee sighed.
"And if not, we can always ask your Dad to make me the new Commander. I always wanted to have my own Battlestar and at least I already know all the names."
Instead of replying, Lee grabbed a pillow and threw it her way. Laughing Kara caught it before it hit her head and threw it back at Lee.
"You're just envious." She grinned.
"That must be it." Lee laughed. A moment later he threw the pillow back at Kara and immediately a pillow fight broke loose that would have made Nia squeal with joy had she still been awake.
A few files were wiped from the table and lay scattered on the floor, but neither Lee nor Kara took any notice of it. They scrambled for the pillows as if they were some kind of secret weapon and both were laughing and giggling like little children. For a short while no crew member files, Cylons, tasks or grief worried them.
"You really think you have a chance against the great Starbuck, Apollo?" Kara laughed, throwing another pillow at Lee while at the same time ducking to avoid being hit herself. A moment of inattention made her slip on one of the files that lay on the floor. Trying to keep her balance, Kara grabbed at Lee's arm. She caught Lee by surprise and instead of holding her, she managed to pull him down with her.
With a loud thumb Kara landed on the floor. Lee would have fallen right on top of her, but he managed to stop his fall with his hands propped on the floor. Breathing heavily, Lee looked stunned at Kara who lay still below him.
"Who's dreaming now, Apollo?"
"You haven't won yet, Starbuck."
Before Kara knew what was happening, Lee had knocked out her arms and she fell on him, her face now only inches away from his. Their eyes locked ... and time seemed to stop. Lee thought he could hear his heart beating loudly. He found it impossible to draw his eyes away from hers.
The memory flashed through Lee's mind and caught his breath. He jerked away from Kara and stared at her, a haunted look crossing his features.
"Lee?" Startled Kara backed away from Lee herself. Just a moment ago she had felt as if she was drowning in these deep blue eyes of his, and the next those exact eyes were pushing her away. "What's wrong?"
Trembling, Lee rested his head against the couch behind him. More memories flashed through his mind. He didn't want to remember, not that, not now, but he couldn't help it.
"I want a divorce." Alicia said, her voice trembling slightly.
Startled Lee looked up from his papers. "What?"
"Don't pretend that this isn't exactly what you want. Divorce me and be with Kara, it's what you wanted in the first place."
"Are you insane?" Lee had enough. For weeks now they have been fighting or worse, not talking at all. They were dancing around the problem, had tried to ignore it and hoped they would somehow work it out eventually. He had tried to be patient, to respect that she needed her space. He had needed his space. And now this? A divorce?
He wasn't like his father. He wouldn't go the easy way and leave his family behind.
"No, Lee, for the first time, I'm thinking completely clear. You don't love me. Fine. I get that. You don't need to throw it in my face …"
"I never did anything like that!" Lee objected, his voice raised in anger.
"You just need to look at Kara and even a blind man can see what you feel for her. You don't even try to hide it!" Alicia's voice had risen too, hurt and anger dripping from her words.
"I have always been there for you, Ali. Always. No matter what. I never betrayed you, not once." Lee nearly spat the words out.
"Maybe not with your body, but with your mind. Don't tell me you never thought about kissing Kara. Or touching her. Or making love to her!" Her voice hitched at the last words. "I heard you; in sickbay. What you said to her."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You didn't want to come back. That's what you said. And you told HER. Of all people, Lee, you told her!" A lone tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
Lee took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. It didn't work. He knew what she was referring to. The Blackbird Incident. His near-death-experience. His near-suicide. Only he hadn't done it. He might not have wanted to come back to all the chaos around him, but there had been one thing that was worth living for. Nia. She had been the reason he had put his finger back on that frakking hole. Nia had been the reason, not Alicia … but not Kara either. And who cared who he had told whether he wanted to come back or not? He had come back, hadn't he?
And how dare she use that against him now? With fury in his eyes he stared at his wife. "Maybe I would have told you, but you weren't there." As usual.
"I was there, only she was there faster. And it was her you cried your heart out in front of, not me. Not your wife!" Alicia looked as angry as Lee felt.
He wanted to reply something, anything, but before he got the chance to, the door flew open and Kara rushed into the room. He could see the fury in Alicia's eyes turn into a cold triumph … as if the fact that Kara was here now proved that she was right.
"She was right." Lee mumbled. He had started trembling all over and it scared the hell out of Kara.
„Who was right? Lee ..." She slowly walked up to him and knelt down next to him. "Lee, what's wrong?"
Lee shook his head and backed away from her. "I can't … I can't do this."
"What?" Kara didn't understand. One minute they were having fun and enjoying themselves and the next … "Oh …"
Suddenly she understood. She chastised herself for taking so long. She had gone through the same damn phase after Zak's death. No fun, no joy, grief only. And most importantly, no Lee. Because that would have been like betraying Zak. "Lee …"
"Can you … can you just go? Please?" Lee nearly choked on the words. Talking suddenly had become an effort. One that he didn't think he could put up with at the moment. He had a hard enough time taking in one breath after the other.
"Lee, you should talk about this. Don't …"
"I don't want to talk. Okay? I just want to be alone. Now! So just go." His voice sounded hard, but his eyes were pleading with her to just do what he had asked.
And as hard as it was for Kara, she knew that she couldn't refuse him that. Slowly she stood up and walked a few steps away from Lee. The more the distance between them grew, the more Lee seemed to calm down. It hurt. It hurt more than she had thought possible.
"Fine, I leave." She said quietly, fighting against the tears building up in her eyes. "But I won't let go of this. You need to talk about this. If you don't want to talk with me, fine, but talk to someone. Your Dad, Mathilda, frak, you can talk with that Cavil guy for all I care, but talk. Don't keep this in, because trust me, it'll eat away at you. And you can't let that happen."
"This is none of your business." Lee pressed out.
"The hell it is. I love your daughter too much to let her grow up with a father who is as damaged as I am." With that Kara turned around and left the room.
Lee stared at the empty spot she had vacated. He was finally alone. Kara was gone just as he had asked for. The only problem was that he would give anything for her to come back.
But he couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't betray Alicia like that. He couldn't.
XXXXXXX
His first week as Commander of the Pegasus was not like Lee had ever anticipated. Nia still refused to leave him out of her sight and since he still wasn't immune to her tears, he brought her along to CIC every single day. By now he was convinced the whole ship was laughing about him, if not the whole fleet. A great Commander he was; he couldn't even handle his own daughter.
And then there was Kara. He tried avoiding her as much as possible. He had tried that once before on Galactica and it had worked; only then Kara had played along with it. This time she was determined to be around him every free minute she could spare. As Nia, she refused to leave him alone. So not only could he not control his daughter, he couldn't control his CAG either.
Sighing, Lee looked at his paper. This was not how he had imagined being a Commander was. Not that he had ever really thought about it. Not consciously anyway. Before the attacks he had just waited for an opportunity to present itself and then leave the military. All he had needed was a job offer that gave him the same benefits and money as his military job. He had never planned to become a Commander. Then the Cylons had attacked and the Galactica had been the only remaining Battlestar. With his own father being the Commander, Lee had refused to even think about what would happen should his father once not be able anymore to do the job. The great William "Husker" Adama would survive them all – this childhood believe still ran through Lee's mind and it was hard to get rid of it. And to tell the truth, he didn't want to. It was easier to believe that his father was invincible and near immortal. It made him feel safe, despite everything else.
And here he was, Commander of the Battlestar Pegasus. How that could have happened, he still didn't know. That his father would ever show him this much faith was beyond anything Lee could have imagined. He had tried doing his best to live up to his father's expectations, but he knew he was failing miserably. He refused to give up though. That wasn't in his nature. If he could help Nia accept that she wouldn't lose him as soon as he was in another room, that would be the first step in the right direction.
The past few days he had thought about how he could achieve that. He had tried a few things, but nothing had worked. Nia still clung as tightly to him as on the first day. There was one option he still had open though – but so far he had tried to avoid that. But he couldn't continue to bring his daughter to CIC. One day they would be under attack and then he couldn't watch out for her and command the ship at the same time.
Finally he made up his mind. He couldn't avoid this last option any longer. He would talk to Cavil. Maybe the man could even give him an answer as to why Alicia had taken her life. At the most, he should be able to give him some advice what to do with Nia.
As soon as his next meeting was over, he would call the Geminon Traveler and arrange a meeting with Cavil.
A knock on his door announced his new visitor. Kendra Shaw. She was one of the few he did remember from his previous time on the Pegasus. She had been Cain's right hand. He hadn't liked her and from the cold shoulder she tended to show him the feeling was mutual. And now he was making her his XO. He wished he could keep Hoshi as his second hand, but the younger man had made it clear that he didn't feel comfortable in this position. That left him with Kendra Shaw. It was a good decision. People would accept her quickly as the new XO; and it would show the crew that he respected their former Commander. Even though the truth was far from it.
"Come in." Lee eventually called for the woman to enter.
"Lieutenant Kendra Shaw reporting as ordered, Sir." Shaw said stiffly as she entered the room. She saluted Lee and stood at attention in front of his desk.
"At ease, Lieutenant." Lee returned the salute. "Have a seat."
"No thank you. Frankly, I'm used to standing in this room." Shaw replied coldly.
Lee smiled. "Yeah. Admiral Cain apparently wasn't big on chairs. Even dead, the woman casts a shadow. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that."
"Sir?" Shaw frowned at his words.
"I've been reviewing the fitreps for the ship's officers and ... frankly, you're a puzzle." Lee decided to drop the small talk and come straight to the reason for this meeting. "Top ratings from Cain, clearly she thought the world of you. Then a whole series of increasingly negative reports from Fisk and Garner who demoted you to kitchen duty for ..." He looked down at the file in his hand. "… persistent insubordinate behavior. So, the question is: Who are you?"
"Who am I? I'm a soldier." Shaw replied stiffly. "As were Fisk and Garner. Neither those men deserved my respect, so they didn't get it."
"Can you be more specific?" Lee asked.
Shaw hesitated a moment before she replied. "Fisk was a black market sellout, he was a piece of garbage, unworthy of the uniform. Garner was a martinet who tried to micromanage this ship like it was some bulky piece of machinery." She practically spat out the words.
Lee didn't think it was possible to have an ever lower opinion of these two men as Kendra Shaw had just expressed. "Hard to dispute either assessment." He agreed with her. "What about me? Don't hold back just because I've got a pulse." He grinned.
For a moment Shaw didn't seem to know what she should think of his words, but then she straightened up and Lee could see in her eyes that she was about to give him her honest opinion.
"You're a step up." Shaw replied. There wasn't a single trace of a smile on her face. "But that doesn't change the fact that you're an outsider who was brought in to clean up our mess, or the impression that your daddy just gave you a Battlestar like he was tossing you the keys to a new car."
"You certainly don't disappoint, Lieutenant." Lee said, impressed by her honesty. He didn't know many people who talked like that to their commanding officers. "So, how would you like to be my new XO?
"Sir?"
Lee hid his grin at the stunned expression on the Lieutenant's face. "One thing I learned from my father before he tossed me the keys is that a commander needs a strong right arm. I also need to send a message to this crew that I respect Cain's legacy. Even if the truth is that I don't." Lee decided that honesty would work best with this woman. She would caught him lying and he couldn't deserve losing her now. "I'm no Cain. But I intend to give this crew their pride back. So I'll let you carry her torch. Deal?"
His gaze never left the Lieutenant as Lee put the Major's insignia on the desk. "In that case, Major, you're out of uniform. Dismissed."
For a moment, Shaw stared at the insignia in front of her. Then her eyes went up to meet Lee's. For a moment their eyes locked and then she picked up the insignias and left without a further word. Lee watched her leaving and wondered if he had made the right decision. He had the feeling that there was more to Kendra Shaw than her outer coldness let on. He hoped he wasn't wrong.
XXXXXXX
"Do you, Lee William Adama, take this woman, Alicia Maria Carnell, to be your beloved wife? Do you vow to cherish her, love and honor her in good times as in bad, in health and in sickness, until death do you part?"
Lee looked at the woman standing next to him. She looked breathtakingly beautiful. Seeing her now, dressed all in white, tears of happiness glistening in her eyes, he couldn't understand how he could have ever doubted his decision to marry her.
"I will." He said with all the dedication he felt deep in his heart.
Smiling he looked back from the priest to his soon-to-be wife … and froze. Her white wedding dress was soaked in blood; blood that was pouring from deep gashes on her wrists. The love that he had seen only moments ago in her eyes had been replaced with hatred.
"How could you do this to me, Lee?"
"Ali …"
"You never loved me; not like her. How could you stand here, knowing what you know, and marry me?"
Lee swallowed and tears were rolling down his face. "I'm so sorry. I never wanted anything of this to happen."
"You killed me, Lee!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry …"
"I'm sorry." Lee mumbled in his sleep. A moment later his eyes flew open. Breathing heavily he stared at the dark ceiling above him. He pulled his hands into fists to stop them from shaking, but it wasn't doing much good. His whole body was trembling. Like every night.
He listened on his daughter's breathing, careful to any indication that she might have woken up. She hadn't.
Lee swallowed and wondered how long he could go on like this. The dreams haunted him every night. How much more of this could he take before it drove him crazy?
TBC