Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling or George Lucas.
Enter Luke, Han, and Leia, preparing for exams.
Han. Leia. The exams are ages away.
Leia. Ten weeks. That's not ages. That's like a second to Zonama Sekot.
Han. But we're not six hundred years old. Anyway, what are you studying for? You know it all.
Leia. What am I studying for? Are you crazy? You realize we have to pass these exams to get into second year? They're very important. I should have started studying a month ago. I don't know what's gotten into me.
Luke. [aside] Unfortunately, the Masters seem to be thinking along the same lines as Leia. They've piled so much work on us that the Easter holidays are not nearly as fun as the Life Day ones. Han and I now spend much of our free time with Leia in the Jedi Archives.
Han. [throws pen down] I'll never remember this.
Enter Chewbacca.
Chewie. What are you doing in the Archives?
Chewbacca. Just looking. And what are you lot up to? You're not still looking for Zonama Sekot, are you?
Han. O! We found him ages ago. And we know what that reek's guarding; it's the Philosopher's St . . .
Chewbacca. Shh! Don't go shouting about it in here. What's the matter with you?
Luke. There are few things we wanted to ask you, as a matter of fact, about what's guarding the Stone apart from Lowie . . .
Chewbacca. Shh! Listen. Come and see me later. I'm not promising I'll tell you anything, mind. But don't go rabbiting about it in here. Students aren't supposed to know. They'll think I've told you.
Luke. See you later, then.
Exit Chewbacca, looking shifty.
Leia. What was he hiding behind his back? Do you think it had anything to do with the Stone?
Han. I'm going to see what section he was in.
Exit Han.
Enter Han, with a pile of holobooks.
Acklays. Chewbacca was looking up stuff on acklays.
Luke. Chewie's always wanted an acklay. He told me the first time I ever met him.
Han. But it's against our laws. Bioengineering was outlawed by the Constitutional Convention of 4 ABY. Everyone knows that. It's too hard to stop mundanes from noticing, if we're keeping acklays or other species of dragon in our back garden. Anyway, you can't tame dragons. It's dangerous. You should see the burns Kyle's got from the wild ones on Dathomir.
Luke. But there aren't any wild dragons in the Core.
Han. Of course there are. Coruscanti Cthon and Corellian sand panthers. The Galactic Republic has a job hushing them up, I can tell you. Our kind have to keep memory-rubbing mundanes who have spotted them, to make them forget.
Leia. So what on Coruscant is Chewbacca up to?
Luke, Han, and Leia arrive at Chewbacca's wroshyr treehouse.
Enter Chewbacca, who lets them in.
Chewbacca. So, you wanted to ask me something?
Luke. Yes. We were wondering if you could tell us what's guarding the Philosopher's Stone apart from Lowie.
Chewbacca. [frowns] Of course, I can't. Number one, I don't know myself. Number two, you know too much already, so I wouldn't tell you if I could. That Stone's here for a good reason. It was almost stolen from Muunilinst. I suppose you've worked that out and all? Beats me how you know about Lowie.
Leia. Oh, come on, Chewie. You may not want to tell us, but you do know. You know everything that goes around here.
Chewbacca smiles.
We only wondered who had done the guarding, really. We wondered who Yoda had trusted enough to help him, apart from you.
Chewbacca. Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt to tell you that. Let's see. He borrowed Lowie from me. Then some of the Masters did enchantments. Master Yaddle, Governor Bibble, Senator Mothma, Admiral Piett, and Yoda himself did something, of course. Hang on. I've forgotten someone. Oh, yeah. Lord Vader.
All. Vader?
Chewbacca. What? You're not still on about him, are you?
Luke. Chewie. We know he's after the Stone. We just don't know why.
Chewbacca. Vader's one of the Masters protecting the Stone. He's not about to steal it.
Luke. [aside] If Vader's one of the Stone's protectors, it must have been easy for him to figure out how the other Masters guarded it. He probably knows everything, except Piett's enchantment and how to get past the reek. [to Chewbacca] You're the only one who knows how to get past Lowie, right, Chewie? And you wouldn't tell anyone else? Not even one of the Masters?
Chewbacca. Not a soul knows how, except for me and Yoda.
Luke. Well, that's something. Chewie. Can we have a window open? I'm boiling.
Chewbacca. [glances at the fire] I can't, Luke. I'm sorry.
Enter the acklay egg, over the fire.
Luke. Chewie. What's that?
Han. I know what that is. Chewie. However did you get one?
Chewbacca. I won it from a stranger I met in a cantina. He seemed rather eager to get rid of it, as a matter of fact.
Leia. But what are you going to do with it, when it hatches?
Chewbacca. Well, I've been doing some reading. [picks up holobook] I got this from the Archives, The New Essential Guide to Alien Species. It's a bit out of date, of course, but it's all here. Keep the egg in the fire, because the mother breathes on them, see. And when it hatches, feed it on a bucket of brandy and lemnai blood every half hour. And see here - how to recognize different eggs. What I've got here is a Vendaxan acklay. They're rare, them.
Leia. Chewie. You live in a wooden house.
Chewbacca hums merrily as he stokes the fire.
Exit Chewbacca.
Luke. [aside] So now we have something else to worry about: what might happen if someone discovers that Chewbacca was hiding an illegal acklay in his home.
Han. I wonder what it's like to have a peaceful life.
Enter R2-D2, carrying a message from Chewbacca.
Enter Chewbacca, a holographic image of the Wookiee.
Chewbacca. It's hatching. Chewbacca out.
Exit Chewbacca.
Han. Let's skip Living Force and head over there straight away.
Leia. No.
Han. Leia. How many times are we going to see an acklay's hatching?
Enter Galen Marek.
Leia. We've got lessons, we'll get into trouble, and that's nothing to the amount Chewbacca will get into, when someone finds out what he's doing . . .
Luke. [sees Marek] Shut up. [aside] Marek. How much has he heard? I don't like that look on his face.
Exit Marek.
Luke, Han, and Leia arrive at Chewbacca's place.
Enter Chewbacca.
Chewbacca. It's nearly out.
Enter Lumpy, a green-skinned insectoid acklay, breaking from the egg.
Isn't he beautiful? O! Look. He knows his mommy. Hello, Lumpy.
Luke. Lumpy?
Chewbacca. Well, he's got to have a name, doesn't he?
Enter Marek, who just as quickly runs back to the Temple.
Who's that? Someone was looking through the curtains. It's a kid. He's running back to the Temple.
Luke. [aside] Marek. Marek's seen the acklay. [to Chewbacca] Just let him go. Set him free.
Chewbacca. I can't. He's too little. He'd die. Besides, he really knows me now. Watch. Lumpy! Lumpy! Where's Mommy?
Han. He's lost his marbles.
Luke. Kyle.
Han. You're losing it, too. I'm Han, remember?
Luke. No. Kyle. Your brother, Kyle. On Dathomir, studying dragons. We could send Lumpy to him. Kyle could take care of him and then put him back into the wild.
Han. Brilliant! How about it, Chewie?
Exit Chewbacca and Han.
Luke. [aside] We finally got Chewbacca to agree. I sent Artoo with a message to Kyle. But still, we're having to help Chewie take care of the acklay.
Enter Han, pulling off the cloaking device.
Han. It bit me. I'm not going to be able to hold a stylus for a week. I tell you, that acklay's the most horrible animal I've ever met, but the way Chewie goes on about it, you'd think it was a fluffy little chickatili. When it bit me, he told me off for frightening it. And when I left, he was singing it a lullaby.
Enter R2-D2, with a message from Kyle Katarn.
Luke. It's Artoo. He'll have Kyle's message.
Enter Kyle, a holographic imitation of the bearded xenozoologist.
Kyle. Han. How are you? Thanks for the message. I'd be glad to take the Vendaxan acklay, but it won't be easy getting him here. I think the best thing will be to send him over with some friends of mine who are coming to visit me next week. Trouble is, they mustn't be seen carrying an illegal acklay. Could you get the acklay up the tallest spire at midnight on Benduday? They can meet you there and take him away while it's still dark. Send me an answer as soon as possible. Katarn out.
Exit Kyle.
Luke. We've got the cloaking device. It shouldn't be too difficult. I think the cloak's big enough to cover two of us and Lumpy. [aside] It's a mark of how much we all want to get rid of the acklay that they all agree with me. But now there's a hitch. Han's bitten hand has swollen to twice its normal size. We didn't know whether or not he should go to Master Vokara Che. Would she recognize an acklay bite? But the cut's turned a nasty shade of green. We have no choice. It might be poisonous.
Luke and Leia approach Han's bed in the medcenter.
Han. It's not just my hand, although that feels like it's about to fall off. Marek told Master Che he wanted to borrow one of my holobooks, so he could come and have a good laugh at me. He kept threatening to tell her what really bit me. I've told her it was a vornskr, but I don't think she believed me. I shouldn't have hit him at the smashball match. That's why he's doing this.
Leia. It will all be over at midnight on Benduday.
Han. [sits up straight] Midnight on Benduday? Oh, no, oh, no. I've just remembered. Kyle's hololetter was in the holobook Marek took. He's going to know we're getting rid of Lumpy.
Enter Vokara Che, a blue-skinned woman with flexible head-tails.
Che. Get out. He needs sleep.
Exit Han and Che.
Luke. It's too late to change our plans. We haven't got time to send Kyle another droid, and this could be our only chance of getting rid of Lumpy. We'll have to risk it. And we've got the cloaking device. Marek doesn't know about that.
Enter Chewbacca, Drang, and Lumpy.
Lumpy bites Chewbacca on the leg.
Chewbacca. O! It's all right. He only got my boot. He's just playing. He's only a baby, after all.
They place Lumpy in a box.
He's got a lot of lemnai and some brandy for the journey. And I've packed his tauntaun doll.
Unseen, Lumpy bites off the tauntaun's head.
Exit Chewbacca.
Luke and Leia wander the halls of the Temple, invisibly, with the box in there hands.
They reach the corridor beneath the tallest spire.
Luke. Nearly there.
Enter Mon Mothma and Galen Marek.
Mothma. Detention. And twenty points from Kun. Wandering around in the middle of the night. How dare you!
Marek. You don't understand, Senator. Luke Skywalker's coming. He's got an acklay.
Mothma. What utter rubbish! How dare you tell such lies! Come on. I shall tell Lord Vader about you, Marek.
Exit Mothma and Marek.
Leia. Marek's got detention. I could sing.
Luke. Don't.
Chuckling, Luke and Leia enter the Astronomy Spire.
Enter the xenozoologists, a quartet of Kyle's colleagues: Mammon Hoole, Momaw Nadon, Soron Hegerty, and Nasdra Magrody.
Luke and Leia remove the cloaking device.
Exit Hoole, Nadon, Hegerty, and Magrody, with the acklay.
Luke and Leia depart from the Astronomy Tower, without the cloaking device.
[aside] The acklay's gone. What can spoil our happiness?
Enter Jurokk.
Jurokk. Well, well, well. We are in trouble.
Exit all.