Chapter Thirty-Seven: Last Stand—Day 231

10 days, 240 hours, 14,400 minutes and 864,000 seconds.

That's how long it's been since the last time I saw her face, since I heard her voice, since I smelled her scent. I'm aware how odd it sounds, most people just say they miss someone—or miss their face—me? I miss EVERYTHING. I could go down a list just naming every tiny detail about her I missed.

The way she'd bite her cheek if she was bothered by something and didn't think anyone was watching. The way she tosses her clothes about until five minutes before she thinks I'm arriving and then she tries to hastily tidy up. The way she smiles when she reads—especially when its baby related. I miss the way she even calls me out on my shit—odd thing to miss.

She had gone on some consulting deal back to Toronto but honestly I think she is looking for apartments. I know for a fact she went there on a consulting job considering it was my institute that sent her but-I know she wants to go back and I know this job doesn't take over five days.

I keep replaying that morning in my head over and over again thinking of the thousand different ways it could have turned out differently. But that was I what I do, make horrible judgment calls and then sit around regretting them.

No calls, no texts, no e-mails, no letters, not even a carrier pidgin.

Guess this is what I get. For years I blamed her for everything, for years I cursed her and her damn indecision but what was so different about what I had been doing? I took a stance that I was somehow better than her and rolled with it. Well look where that's gotten me.

I know she is coming back, obviously for the kids but-I keep wondering if when she comes back if it will be for me at all. I don't have a right to wish for that now-but I do.

Clearing my throat pulling myself back to reality I look down at my ice water which is now just a glass of near over flowing water considering how long I have been baby-sitting it. My index finger idly circling the rim over and over again.

Ha. Symbolic much?

I hear the music in the background again and I look to my left out over the section of dinner tables, various colleagues laughing and eating. I would have loved to be back at the loft eating my self-inflicted sorrows away but life had other plans.

Stupid mandatory work crap.

I wanted Bo to be my date, thought she would enjoy the spread of food they put out but that was out of the question considering. I would have had Kate bring me since that was who everyone was expecting me to bring but then again after our discussion four nights ago-I don't expect to have much of any relationship with her from here on out. My children were a little young to escort me here but I knew they would make an exception considering my 'condition'—didn't feel like I should though. Kenzi even offered up Hale but I would have felt bad considering they were taking the kids out for a night of fun. I suppose I could have had Vex but then again he wasn't someone to bring to things like this.

Was I even the type to bring to things like this anymore?

I don't know, they just didn't have the same appeal as they once did. Same people, same events, same results. I have fifty people tell me how amazing and brilliant I am-means nothing, nor is it true. If I was so amazing I wouldn't be sitting here alone. If I was so brilliant I would have been able to adequately handle everything from the past few months better than this.

I mean looking back now I have exactly two words to sum up my life: Train and Wreck.

I know it wasn't all my fault, equal balance guilt and all of that but somewhere along the line I have to logically start piecing this together and if both Kate and Bo are telling me the same thing over and over again then maybe I should have listened. Or I could have listened to Vex's warnings. Or even Evony's.

"You're making faces at your melting water—it's not a good look." I turn to my right, not sure I heard the voice right but I did. "Correction, it's not a sane look."

"Bo," I whisper, swallowing the lump that suddenly formed in my throat.

She's sitting on the stool next to me, facing me, bent arm on the bar top to keep herself in place with how close to me she is sitting but it comes off as graceful and sexual—just as everything she did does. She is wearing just a simple black dress, typical her—nothing fancy this time but she looks stunning. The same for her makeup, it's there but I can tell she didn't put much effort. My eyes trail down from her face to her neck and despite the fact that in some respect it's sensual it's not the main reason. I notice the necklace, she is still wearing it and I can't help but smile softly at that fact.

"You look nice,"

"I look like a stuffed sausage." I chuckle but it quickly dies out seeing the irritation that washes over her face. I really was trying to make a joke but—guess brushing off a complement wasn't the best thing to do.

"You look stunning."

"Didn't hardly do anything," she shrugs and looks away from me.

"I know," I say softly, eyes dancing over her face as I try to read what she is thinking.

She looks so into her own world. There is this seriousness there, this weight to her words, her glances—everything has this weight and I don't recognize it. It's new—and that worries me. I can navigate the anger and pain and rage and indifference I know but this—I don't have enough trust from her to have the leeway to navigate through it.

"Ethan told me that you and Kate are over."

"We've been over,"

"I mean that it's done, done. She left for her wolfy-vaca?"

"Yeah," I nod, sighing heavily as I tear my eyes from her.

"You're sad about it?"

"Jesus Bo," I snort turning back to her and that sudden burst of anger dissipates. She is searching for something—I don't know what but she is. "Yes, I'm sad. I'm sad because of how hurt she is, and that I know I could have prevented a lot of it. I'm sad because I think I've lost my best friend. But most of all I'm sad because I am worried that I may have destroyed the kids relationship with her."

"She loves them," she says softly, comfortingly but doesn't look at me.

"I know, and I pray that she loves them enough to keep in contact with them despite their mother's continues judgment lapses."

"The kids have been keeping me updated on your health; I don't want you to think I stopped caring."

"Never thought that," I say reaching out and resting my hand on her knee, she doesn't jerk away but it only adds to the tension engulfing us.

She falls quite again and after several heart beats I pull my hand away feeling I wore out the welcome. She looks back into the bar area as if for the bartender but doesn't call him over. There is this presence about here that screams she wants to say something but she is biting her tongue—I can't figure out why.

Did she come to tell me she was leaving? Did she come to make me feel bad? Did something happen? Was she worried? Did she come to check if I was here with someone else?

Abruptly she slides off the stool with this heavy sigh, taking the two steps so she is behind me and if I had not known her presence by heart then I would have thought she had walked away. Slowly spinning around on the stool, this more as a requirement to not lose my balance, rather than a ploy to play it cool.

But when I finally am facing her again it's a bit of a shock. She has that small, genuine smile she gets that makes those beautiful, dark brown eyes of hers shine—the same eyes that are now locked with mine. My heart skipping a beat—or two, but it's worth it. Just for a moment I feel like we're back sixteen years ago—before all of the pain and mistakes.

It used to be such a rare occasion when she would wear her hair down but now she did it all the time, I meant to ask if that was a result of her having it cut or if it had just happened. I can't help but wonder if the cut was something of his wanting considering she hasn't cut it again since, it now falling to the middle of her shoulder blades. I've always preferred it down, freely falling; it makes her features soften—accents them perfectly. Other than that it also made her look younger, not so angry, and not so hard.

Sighing softly, my eyes return to admiring her entire face rather than one particular thing and I notice her soft, disarming smile is transitioning to this uncertain, endearing one that was a rarity. Her hand extending slightly toward me, palm up. It takes a moment before I understand what she is asking of me.

A lot has changed in these passing years but my discomfort with dancing was still firmly intact. Dancing just wasn't me and dancing in front of a room full of people, colleagues, peers and subordinates definitely wasn't me.

Problem was I've always had trouble saying no to her—most times.

Returning her completely bashful and uncertain smile I take her hand which is romantic but also needed for me to get off of the stool safely. Honestly I wasn't as huge as I felt I was, I could pass for carrying a single child rather than twins but I just didn't have the proper balance for some reason.

Slowly she leads me the ten steps onto the considered dancing area and then another fifteen so we're in the middle more or less. My eyes surveying the area seeing several colleagues taking notice of me—oh boy. Sighing softly to myself my attention turns to the area directly around us and I notice that we are unfortunately—or fortunately, I haven't decided yet, but there is hardly anyone on the 'dance floor'. Maybe just four or five other couples occupying this ginormous area along with us.

I'm aware of how silly we must look just standing here in front of each other with these awkward smiles not quite knowing what to do next. Sort of like a high school dance-hm, I think this is our first dance.

My lips part to make a comment about that, maybe lighten the mood but the once medium tempo of the song drops drastically, a melody from a piano filling hall.

She catches me completely off guard, a rush of heat filling my cheeks as she steps into me. Her hands resting on the bottom of my shoulder blades. It's more of a friend zone type of stance then I would have hoped for but I'll take it. Reaching up, arms draping over her shoulders.

.

(Whole world is watching us now—It's a little intimidating

But since there's no way to come down-Let's give 'em something amazing)

.

My breath slightly hitches as I look up from her lips and our eyes meet, that intensity that used to be there every time we looked at one another spreading through me—us. I know she can feel it too—I just do.

.

(Let's make them remember

Using one word—Incredible…..)

.

"You okay?"

"Fine." I'm completely lying but she doesn't need to know that.

"Okay," she whispers through this heart melting smile.

The sudden feeling of a million little butterflies swarming around in the pit of my stomach cause my heart rate to increase. I let my gaze fall to the floor off to the right. She lets her hands slide ever so gently down to the middle of my back taking just another tiny step in.

It wasn't meant to be sexual but that didn't matter, she never had to do much of anything for my body to react to her. A look, a touch, a whisper—just a thought could cause my body to come alive. But atop of my body responding physically to her—it was responding in ways I didn't remember it could.

.

(Let's make them remember

We were incredible-Simply incredible….)

.

I can see the floor beginning to fill quickly with so many loving couples. All different races, different species and different ages. I can see them all—see everything happening around us but I don't really SEE them.

All I can see is her.

Her hands glide to the small of my back as she takes the last possible half-step into me. The embrace is so strong, so possessive yet completely gentle and loving all at the same time—something only she could manage to do. There is absolutely no space between us but oddly enough I don't mind.

Her temple rests against mine, lips just centimeters from my ear, her warm breath on my skin giving me chills. There is no point in faking this now; honestly I don't think I could even if I tried. It was all just happening too fast, too much.

Her embrace. Her scent. Her touch. Her feel. Her voice. Her.

.

(We even counted us out-We weren't sure we'd make it

But we learned no matter what they dish out-It's nothing, we can take it…)

.

"I've missed you so much," my voice breaks within its whisper, tears forming for a reason I can't quite rationalize.

There is so much going on, so much happening-so many feelings but all I can think about is that this is our first dance together. After sixteen years we were having our first real dance.

Our first real dance was happening to possibly one of the most romantic songs of all time, which just happened to fit us so perfectly. In an incredibly romantic setting. It was undoubtedly one of those moments that you would still remember fifty years from now. One of those moments that twenty or thirty years from now after some fight about something and you are taking your time apart to calm down—your mind would wander down memory lane and land on this. A memory that would make you smile like an idiot no matter what you were going through because it was such a perfect moment and God knows those are rare.

She tilts her head down ever so slightly, lips grazing my neck just under my earlobe. I can't help the way I tilt into it, I worry that it hurts her but she doesn't budge. No, instead she begins to whisper in this near inaudible octave, lips not completely removed from my skin.

"I haven't stopped missing you since the day I walked out of your lab nineteen years ago."

.

(We'll go down in history…

They'll describe our love as….Incredible…)

.

She pulls back kissing my cheek as she does, a soft, protesting sigh escaping me. She looks in my eyes and for the first time I realize we're still slowly moving. My lips curving into a smile enjoying the moment we were in but I notice her previous seriousness is beginning to return.

The song ends transitioning to one that is slower than the previous one which I would have been happy to keep dancing all night to but our already slow steps are coming to an end, my heart pounding so hard it hurts and I don't know if this was a goodbye or-or something else.

"Bo,"

"I want you. I need you. I love you." She lets out in seemingly one sentence, pulling us to a complete stop. "I don't know the meaning of love without you, I mean I thought I knew it—but then I met you and I know that nothing I ever felt before ever came close. I have made so many mistakes and I wasn't worthy of your love before but I had it and I messed up-and honestly I don't think I'll ever truly deserve you but I know I am better than I was—and I will learn to be better than I am now because you make me want to be better. You have always made me want to be better."

She pauses with this terrified smile, her hands leaving mine as she reaches up and subtly reaches into her cleavage. She looks at me with this sheepish, apologetic smile and I start to ask her what exactly she is doing but I don't need to ask. She pulls out this small black box, my breath hitches and this couldn't possibly be what it looks like.

Could it?

"I know an engagement ring is supposed to have a diamond," her voice shakes as she opens the box. A single band, it's too silver to be gold but to gold to be silver. "It was my grandmother's, Trick had given it to her and it was his mother's before-I know there is supposed to be a diamond but I thought this would mean more. Be more romantic in a way,"

"Bo,"

"Marry me Lauren," her voice shaky yet firm all at the same time.

I swallow hard tearing my eyes away from her suddenly all too aware that EVERYONE is watching us. Everyone's eyes are on us and I can't breathe. My heart pounding like a drum as my mind races. Logic and rational thinking waging war on emotion and instinct.

This couldn't be happening could it?

She was just gone for ten days, she didn't even say goodbye when she left—how can she just pop back up and ask me something like this? We weren't even committed.

"I—I um—" it is all that comes out when I turn to look back at her. My head shaking before I turn and walk as quickly as I can out of the nearest set of double glass-doors that lined the entire right side of the dance floor.

Shit….shit….shit…shit….shit…..

Why is there fucking people everywhere?!

Standing out on the thirty or so foot wide, stone balcony I look for a place of solace. I just needed to breathe, to think but out on the water were two privet boats full of people. All over this damn balcony dozens of people walking, eating, drinking-staring at me.

I just needed one minute to think-was that not okay?

Taking three deep breaths I begin walking forward hoping the crowd would thin out.

"Lauren," I hear her call for me, but I don't stop I just keep walking. I'm more trying to get us away from people rather than running but she won't see it that way. "Lauren Lewis," she repeats her voice comparable to stone.

"Bo," I let out as I come to a stop turning around to face her. "Let's just go somewhere were we're alone."

"I don't give a shit about them Lauren." She blurts out, her tone hard and her voice not quite a yell but not necessarily an indoor voice either. "I don't care what people think. I don't care if you're human or Fae. If you're Light or Dark. If you're a hybrid or—want to splice you're damn DNA twenty-seven times and become the most powerful Fae of all to become the leader of everything. I don't care—and not because I'm some asshole, but because all I see is you. All I've ever seen is you."

"Bo-" I look away from her, swallowing back my tears. Why—why did this have to hurt so much? "Jesus—why are you-what are you doing?"

"What am I doing?" she snorts, shaking her head looking away from me out onto the lake. "I am-I am making my last stand."

"Wh—what?" tears slipping now freely slipping down my cheeks.

"This is it—right now, right here Lauren—this is it for me. I am making my last stand." she takes two steps forward but there is still a good distance between us. "I am in love with you, I want only you for eternity—forever—after death—ever after-all of it. I want you and only you. I need you more than I need to breathe. I am begging you-pleading—praying-that you will see me. I am begging you, throwing what little self-respect I have left away—begging you to choose me. Love me. Be with me. Trust me. Believe in me."

"B—"

"All it would take is a leap of faith Lauren," she takes another two steps in, the moon shining down on her perfectly so I can see every tear falling down her face.

"I am a doctor Bo—I am a scientist—I am near a damn atheist-I don't take leaps of faith-you want to know the truth and there it is. I don't take them Bo-I make rational decisions and when I don't, I act on emotion in the moment and deal with the consequence later. I don't make leaps of faith—"

"For me, just this once." She pleads taking three more steps, just out of arm's length now. "Just this once, focus on how much I love you—on how much you love me-just this once take this leap. I promise you—you won't regret it."

"Bo-" I repeat her name for the millionth time as closes the distance.

"All or nothing Lauren," she says dropping to her knee in front of me with little difficulty, the little box open in the palm of her hand. "Marry me,"

I stare down at her through tear filled eyes, the rest of the world no longer existing. Nothing existed but her and me at this moment and I know I should say no.

Isn't this repeating the same mistakes as before? Isn't this rushing into things? Isn't this ignoring logic? Isn't this ridiculous?

But I love her—I need her-I wanted to be with her. If I wanted this then why fight it? Why keep fighting something that is inevitable to me. Why keep running from what I've wanted since I met her?

"All or nothing," she repeats in a whisper, peering up into my eyes. Nothing but fear and vulnerability there—so much that it physically hurts me.

"Y—yes,"

"What?" she asks, voice breaking as her eyes widen.

"Yes, I will marry you-no—I want to marry you Bo."

"Really?"

"Really," I giggle softly, sniffling at my tears. Hands cupping her cheeks as she stands.

My lips covering hers instantly, it's a kiss of desperation—of relief—of love. She pulls away tears stopping though a few stray ones make it past her rebuilding defenses. Pulling the ring from the box, accidently letting it drop but she doesn't bother to pay it any attention. She takes my hand and slips the ring on effortlessly.

"And I didn't even get it fitted," she giggles, running her thumb over it on my finger.

"Guess something's are just supposed to go together," it was probably the corniest thing I ever said in my life but hey, I am lost in the moment.

"I love you," she says through a smile.

My lips part to tell her that I love her too but she doesn't give me the chance, lips covering mine once again. Her arms wrapping tightly around me, and for the first time I realize people are applauding us, and cheering—forgot there was people other than us here for a moment.

She pulls away and just looks at me the way she does, the way that lets me know everything I need to know without her ever having to say a word.

The look that tells me that this leap of faith isn't a mistake…..

…...and even if it is….

...…it's worth it…...