Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)
You can't fail this time
I'll be where you are
Be afraid for me
Be too good for me
You look back at the picture
And realise things then were different
It's not who you know
It's what you know then
- The Picture, Editors -
Amity
BPOV
The surface of the rock was coarse under my palms. Almost as coarse and dry as my throat was; the flames trashed my windpipe, making me grimace and nearly hiss in pain. My time was running out - I had to act now or it would be too late.
A quick leap off the cliff. Wind washing against my skin, a fiery growl erupting through my lips as I flied through the air. My cold marble body collided with warmer and softer one, causing it to tumble down on the ground from the power of the impact. A sound of fear escaped my prey's throat before my teeth sought the artery, and the cries of pain caused by my venom dissipated slowly as the life drained from the living being under my steel grip.
The fire burning in my throat died out, the thirst quenched by the taste of heather and grass. There was a shade of something fresh in the aroma of the warm, flowing blood, reminding me of the smell of the crisp snowflakes. The eyes of brown with yellow tint closed one last time, and I let my grasp loosen around the prey.
What a beautiful creature, even after being brutalized by my own teeth.
The wolf's grey coat was soft under my fingers as I layed the light body on the ground. It was almost cruel to take life from a creature that was so sublime and royal.
A pair of golden eyes caught my attention, and a voice filled with a thousand chimes sounded in the wind.
"Are you sad?"
I sighed, making my way towards the petite woman with the hair of raven black. "No, Alice."
My answer had been honest. I wasn't sad, not really, but there was always some odd wistfulness in me during the long afternoon hours. It unsettled me a bit to realise that I missed the company of a certain man with the golden blond hair. But I was allowed to miss him, right? It's what you're supposed to do once you've shared dozens of kisses with this person, kisses that have been both heated and gentle. Not to mention there was a chance that this person might possibly be your mate...
"Jasper believes that the feelings I have for you are the ones that are formed between mates." Carlisle's silky voice echoed in my mind, and even my sharp vampire memory wasn't able to do justice to the smoothness of his tenor.
I didn't know how to feel about this new turn. It had been nearly a week since Carlisle had told me about this particular matter. We hadn't talked about it a lot since then, and a part of me wondered if it bothered him. His expression was fresh in my mind when those fateful words had left his lips, and the caution and hesitation in his eyes had made me troubled.
It still troubled me; what had been going through his mind? Did he feel regret towards the fact that he hadn't been destined to Esme? Did it trouble him that he might be bound to me in a way that was impossible to ignore? And why had he kept the conversation with Jasper a secret so long? Had he really worried about my possible reaction so much?
Millions of questions and emotions had been going through my mind, and the only person holding the answers had been standing before me. And yet, I hadn't been able to give a voice to all those questions and emotions.
"Does it bother you that... Esme possibly wasn't your mate?"
I resented myself for asking that question - I had no right to question his feelings for the love of his life, for the person who had been his wife for decades. He had loved her for decades, for crying out loud. And I had asked that did it bother him that she hadn't been his mate. From all of the questions I had been wanting to ask, I had asked that one.
Way to go, Bella.
"I always thought that she was my mate," he had said, and I had wanted to kick myself. "And I will always love her and cherish my memories of her. But what I feel towards you... It's different, but no less deep than what I felt for Esme. What I feel for you... It's something so binding, so powerful... words couldn't possibly describe it."
Those words had caused another torrent of thoughts and emotions. One part of my suddenly cramped mind had been singing with joy while another had accused me for putting him in that situation. It hadn't been fair to him to ask that question.
But he hadn't seemed to resent me. He had been so Carlisle about it, never judging and losing his composure. The way he dealt with things was so open-minded and free, and the way he talked about his feelings and thoughts so easily made me almost envy him. He deserved those same responses and declarations he was able to give me. But I seemed to be incapable when it came to those things.
I searched my feelings about the mating bond for the millionth time, coming to the same conclusion than before. It really didn't cause any unpleasant sensations in me. How could it? And I was glad to have some sort of an explanation to the pull I had been feeling in Carlisle's presence during these months, and somehow it all just... fit. Like it had all come together somehow.
But no matter how intriguing and fascinating man Carlisle was, no matter how much I yearned for his company... the desire in itself, the yearning to be close to him terrified me a bit.
A lot, actually.
Because it meant that I... cared. That I didn't want to leave him. And I didn't want him to leave me.
Alice's marble arm wrapped around my shoulder, shaking me from my reverie, and I snaked my other hand to turn her wrist so I could see her watch. Almost six p.m.
"We should get back to the house," I stated casually, knowing that it wouldn't be long until Carlisle was home.
Alice giggled. "In a hurry, are you?" she teased. It was a small relief not having to pretend in her company. Ignoring her comment, I started making my way through the dense forest. Alice clung to me, her delicate fingers playing with the ends of my hair.
"How is it going with you two?" she asked casually, her teasing transforming into real curiosity and caring. Behind the golden twinkle I saw my friend, the person I considered my sister. I was grateful for her presence now.
"Good, I guess," I muttered. "Sometimes I can't believe that this is actually happening," I confessed.
Alice laughed quietly, and the sound carried pure happiness. "It was about to happen," she declared, causing me to wonder again how long she had known about my possible future with Carlisle. But this time instead of wondering, I just decided to ask.
"Did you... How long have you known that Carlisle and I... you know," I mumbled, still feeling a little unstable discussing this, even with Alice.
She shrugged, the movement a little limited but no less graceful even though she still had her arm wrapped around my shoulders. "Since he decided to move here, I saw that the things were headed that way. But my visions were still a little hazy and uncertain," she explained, snapping a thin twig from a tree as we passed it by. She brought the tip of the twig on my cheek, tickling my sensitive skin with it.
"But," she continued, "they became more clear as time passed. And I swear if I hadn't had Jasper to conspire with, I'd have gone crazy!"
I chuckled at her annoyance, shaking my head. "Did Jasper tell you about the mate thing?" I asked.
Alice nodded vigorously. "He did, a long time ago," she chimed. "And I'm so happy for both of you. You've both been alone for so long and it's about time that you find happiness in each other."
I was so moved by her words and enthusiasm that it took me a moment until I could summon a smile.
Alice's own smile fell a bit as she misread my hesitation. "It's a good thing, right?" she asked. "How do you feel about it?"
I let out a breath, frowning a bit. "Of course it's a good thing," I answered, my mind conjuring up an image of golden eyes and swept-back blond hair. A very good thing. "But it's also a little scary," I confessed.
Alice was quiet for a moment, pondering. "I guess life is sometimes," she agreed. "But it's worth it in the end."
I wanted to believe her - I really wanted to. And the truth was that there was no going back now, and I realised that I didn't really want to go back. It had been only over a week since our first kiss in the forest, and already in that time I had become accustomed to Carlisle's proximity. The feeling was startling, because it meant that the longer I spent with him, the harder it would be to let go of him once I had to. If I had to.
But I didn't want to.
And that's what made it so complex. I didn't want to be separated from him. The separation, be that short or long, was almost straining. I realised that I craved his calm presence, his tender touches and kisses, the quiet moments in his study when we read together, and the way his hand would brush a lock of hair behind my ear or stroke the shape of my eyebrow...
Carlisle did that a lot. Touching was something he did almost constantly, as if he couldn't live without the physical contact. I didn't complain; it was a lame expression to say that I liked his touches. No one had touched me with the same kind of affection he did.
But there was slight hesitation in his eyes and movements everytime he neared me to kiss my cheek, or when he came to wrap his arm around my shoulders. As though he waited for me to flee from him, or he expected me to be offended somehow. I guess I couldn't blame him for that - sometimes I wondered myself when I was going to crack and run away. And at the same time I didn't want to run away - Carlisle was like the sun, and I was glad to orbit around him forever, the gravity I felt towards him becoming more important to me than the air I breathed.
Because he was the air I breathed. I practically lived off from those moments when his eyes flared as he saw something pleasant that intrigued him, or the way his lips curled up into a smile everytime he saw something endearing...
There was always certain tenderness in his touches when he was with me. The way he brushed his hand against my shoulder, or the way he pulled me against his side gave me the impression that he thought I was something easily breakable and shattering. Kissing him was something I had never experienced before. The same tenderness and affection was palpable everytime his lips brushed against mine, but behind those things, there was something else as well; the desire and the heat in his kisses left me gasping for breath, igniting sensations in me that I had never felt before with this magnitude.
At that point Carlisle would usually pull away with a small smile, not letting the situation go on any further - the truth was that it frustrated me a bit. There had been no touching beneath the waist line, apart from the hasty brushes of his hand against my hip or backside, and even after those touches his movements had been almost apologizing, like he had done something immodest and dishonorable.
We had agreed not to rush, but no matter how much the situation, not to mention the fact that I cared about him freaked me out, the truth was that I wanted to be with him, in every way. But Carlisle was a gentleman, maybe even a little old-fashioned when it came to those things. And the funny thing was that it only made him even more desirable.
Alice's quiet, yet cheerful laughter penetrated into my mind.
"It's good to see you smiling," she stated, and I could see that she was really glad about my sudden good mood.
"It's good to have a reason to smile," I answered honestly.
For a moment I considered asking her opinion about the way Emmett and Rosalie would react after hearing about me and Carlisle. We still hadn't told them, and I needed the reassurance that it would all turn out okay somehow. But being a coward, I swallowed the question before voicing it. I guess a part of me worried about her answer and the possibility that the news wouldn't be received so well.
We would tell them tonight once Carlisle came home from the hospital and Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper returned from their hunting trip. They had left yesterday with Emmett's huge jeep and headed off somewhere north where the wildlife was more rich and the bears more angry - that's what Emmett had said. I wondered if he held a grudge towards bears after being mauled by one in his human life. It sure seemed like it sometimes.
Alice chuckled quietly beside me as we walked. I raised my eyebrows at her, wondering what amused her so much.
She threw me a glance, shrugging. "I have no reason to laugh," she answered to my unspoken question. "But do you always have to have a reason?" she pondered, and I wasn't sure if it was a direct question.
"I guess not," I admitted quietly.
Alice directed her golden eyes at me. "Bella," she said, and now there was some odd seriousness in her tone. "I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have you here with us," she stated, baffling me momentarily. "You have no idea how much things have changed from how it used to be," she continued, her tone taking a sadder hue. "These past years have been..." She shrugged at a loss of words, her golden eyes sorrowful. "It's like we've all been lost somehow, unable to find our way. But it's all getting better now," she said quietly.
Her outburst surprised me, and it took a moment until I could gather my bearings.
Alice didn't let my silence bother her, and her lips quirked into a smile once more. "And I don't think you realise how much your presence has helped Carlisle. I can't think of the last time I've seen him smiling so much than during these past few days."
"Really?" I asked, although I had noticed it myself. Carlisle had been smiling a lot during our moments spent together, and it's not like I had been sulking either. "I've been wondering... " I began, pondering how to put my thoughts into one simple question. Easier said than done. "How does this deal with mates work?" I asked straightforward.
"What do you mean?" Alice frowned a bit.
"I mean... " I licked my lips, an image of Esme popping into my head again. "I can't figure how Carlisle feels about all this," I revealed.
"About you and him being mates?" Alice asked.
Her words caused a thrill to run through me. Mates, I repeated in my mind, deciding that I really liked the sound of it.
"Yeah," I answered, shaking the thoughts away. "I keep wondering if it... well, if it bothers him." It was surprisingly easy to confess that to Alice, knowing that she wouldn't have any judging thoughts. I was lucky to have a friend like her.
She laughed shortly ,as if she had heard something amusing. "Why would it bother him?" she asked, her tone both unbelieving and curious at the same time.
I shrugged, suddenly feeling silly. "Esme's been a lot in my mind," I answered, causing Alice to sober a bit. "Carlisle was devoted to her for a long time. What if it troubles him to be bound to me now?"
"Does he seem like it troubles him?" Alice pointed out.
I gave it a thought, realising that apart from his hesitation to tell me about the mating bond he hadn't been at all displeased.
"No," I confessed. "Not really."
"Have you talked about this with him?"
I nodded. "A bit."
"And it doesn't mean that we care about them less now, if we care about each other." Carlisle's whisper had been full of assurance and serenity.
"Think of it this way," Alice said, jumping over a large stump. "You might have not been together with Edward as long as Carlisle and Esme had been together, but it doesn't mean that you don't care about him somehow, even after all this time."
I nodded mutely, thinking of the boy with hair of bronze. Alice's bright voice shattered the mental picture, freezing the grief and sadness that were about to pierce the surface.
"Does your devotion to Carlisle somehow cause a conflict when you think about Edward?"
I thought it for a minute, studying the chaos in my mind. "No," I finally answered. "When I think of Edward, it only makes me sorrowful. But it doesn't make me feel... wrong. That it'd be wrong to be with Carlisle," I murmured with a frown, trying to make sense of my tangled emotions.
"Exactly," Alice stated. "And it shouldn't feel wrong in any way."
We walked in silence for a while, and I was able to feel a little more at ease. Talking to Alice had been a good idea.
"Is there something else you've been wondering about?" Alice asked, pulling a pine needle from my hair.
"A lot of things," I chuckled. "But I still don't quite understand how this thing between mates work. Why weren't Carlisle and I immediately drawn to each other when we first saw each other in Forks all those years ago? And when we met again five years later?"
"You were both involved with someone else in Forks," Alice pondered. "And you were still a human back then - the instinct is stronger between vampires. Although, I have to ask: Didn't you feel anything towards him when you met again here in Vancouver?" Alice asked with a wink, making me feel like I should blush.
"I guess as the time passed I realised that something was going on," I admitted sheepishly, the hazy memories of my last weeks as a human swirling in my mind. "But I didn't let my thoughts go too far."
Alice's laughter rang through the woods again. "You were both so dense that it was almost painful."
Minutes later when we emerged from the woods and made our way across the backyard, I noticed that the window of Carlisle's study was wide open. It could only mean one thing; he was already home.
Soon the subject of my thoughts appeared between the dark curtains, a small smile playing on his lips. I took in the golden eyes, the pale blue shirt, the black tie, the blond hair, and I could easily imagine the way he had raked his fingers through it during the day. He reached out with his hand like beckoning me to him, and it took a nudge from Alice until I realised that he was actually waving me over.
I measured the distance between us, deciding that jumping thirty feet upwards all the way to the fourth floor wasn't much of a task. I tensed my muscles, feeling pure relief for being able to use all my strength for something without holding myself back for once.
I could have easily grabbed the windowframes to prevent myself from falling back to the ground, but that obviously wasn't an option for Carlisle; he reached out from the window to grab my arms in an instant, and it took only a blink as he pulled me through the open window into his study, settling me on the black couch resting under it.
There was mischief in his eyes as he sat me down on it, and I battled with a sudden urge to yank him closer to meet my lips.
"How was your hunt?" he asked as he closed the window, a part of me still wondering about his impatience. Couldn't have I just walked through the front door to get to his study? But it certainly was better this way - I guess too many seconds would have been lost if I had taken the longer route.
"It was okay," I answered. "How was your day?"
"Quite calm," he mused. "Which is rare, considering how busy the hospital usually is."
"Do you like it more when it's busy?" I asked, idly playing with his sleeve as he sat down next to me.
A pondering frown creased his forehead as he thought about my question. "It's not that I actually enjoy the massive amounts of patients and the pain they are going through," he mused. "But sometimes during those busy days I'm forced to focus on several things at the same time, and it's something that an average doctor can't do. It's quite rewarding to be able to do that."
I could only admire the passion he had for his job - it was more than just a job for him, it was a way of living.
"What's the best part in being a doctor?" I asked, more than eager to see the passion in his eyes when he spoke about his work. My question seemed to surprise him a bit, but he looked pleased nonetheless.
"I cannot decide," he mused. The small smile playing on his lips made his eyes light up, and he was painfully clueless what that small occurence caused in me.
This was what I had been missing the whole day.
Carlisle's words reminded me of the conversation we'd had on the night of my birthday over five years ago. Carlisle had said that it pleased him to know that his enhanced abilities allowed him to help people. Apparently he was thinking about that same moment, judging from the way his fingers brushed my arm where I had carried a scar from that night. But the scar was gone now, like all the other superficial imperfections I had received as a human.
His venom had cured my illness, and all the bruises and old wounds that had covered my skin when I had been a mortal. All those superficial and physical flaws were gone, and I wondered if I could be a whole and flawless person from the inside someday. Like he was. Could I ever be a match for him, could I ever have the inner strength and beauty he carried with him?
"Is something wrong?" he asked quietly, his golden eyes studying me.
I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the wistfullness. "No."
A small frown appeared again, and he narrowed his eyes as he regarded me with his gaze. I leaned my head against his shoulder to avoid his eyes, enjoying the serenity his presence always brought.
The calm didn't last for long. The rumble of Emmett's jeep was heard after a few minutes, making me stiffen under Carlisle's arm.
It was time.
Carlisle noticed my tension, and he stroked my arm reassuringly. It made me wonder if he ever got nervous about anything. But the way he cleared his throat revealed his uneasiness, and I knew he must have been dreading this moment at least a little. I pulled back from his side, and he got up from the couch and gave me a little tug, pulling me to my feet.
"It's going to be all right," he whispered and he frowned down at me, looking worried.
I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, and probably looked like one, too. "What if it won't?" I asked.
He only smiled. Where did he get all that optimism?
"When nothing is sure, everything is possible," he said. "Don't worry so much."
We were making our way downstairs as Emmett's jeep pulled into the garage. The three staircases separating us from the others seemed suddenly a very short distance, and it took all I had not to whirl around and run away. But Carlisle's hand brushing my forearm made me reconsider, and I took another step down the stairs.
This was the first time as a vampire when I felt like hyperventilating.
Alice was leaning casually against the doorframe of the living room, a smug expression on her face. It calmed me down a bit - surely she wouldn't look so cheerful if the outcome of our upcoming conversation took a bad turn.
The door leading to the garage banged open, revealing Emmett. His golden eyes glowed as brightly as his smile as he narrated something very loudly to Jasper who was walking behind him. I couldn't focus on his words, though. The urge to race somewhere safe and hide was back again. But then something flared in me, making me question the cause of my fears.
Carlisle didn't deserve my sissyness - he deserved a person who could stand by his side without hesitation and doubts. I wanted to be that person. It wasn't like I was ashamed of the things that had been going on between us. This wasn't something I should try to hide or stash away.
Carlisle didn't deserve it.
The small group of unspeakably beautiful vampires had emerged from the garage by now, and Emmett announced loudly that it was time to watch some baseball. He started making his way towards the living room, but Carlisle stopped him by clearing his throat quietly.
His authority always managed to baffle me - he only had to make a quiet sound like that and have everyone's attention without even actually speaking.
"Could you postpone that particular activity for a while?" he asked smoothly. "There's something we should discuss. Something that you all should know." His voice was serene and calm, holding no anxiety. How the hell did he do it?
Emmett shrugged, Rosalie frowned and Jasper smiled.
Carlisle led us to the large kitchen, and as if by some mutual agreement we all took our seats around the large table. I expected Carlisle to sit at the head of the table, but for some reason he didn't.
He took his seat by my side, causing everyone to raise their eyebrows a bit. I guess the others were accustomed for him to take the place of the leader, too. We spread around the table evenly, Carlisle on my left, Alice on my right and Jasper by her side. Rosalie and Emmett sat on the other side of the table, linking their fingers.
Suddenly I didn't know where to keep my hands. I folded my arms across my chest, then lowered them on the cool surface on the table only to let them drop down to my lap after that. I should have known to be the first squirming and fidgeting vampire in the history.
Emmett's deep voice filled the kitchen soon. "So," he said casually. "What's up with the session?"
Rosalie raised her eyebrows, looking curious.
I wanted to bite my fingernails.
It seemed that Carlisle didn't expect any verbal expressions from me, and I was grateful for that. He took the situation in control, his voice calm and even like always as he slowly started to speak. He didn't jump right into the topic, and I hadn't expected him to. He started off slow, telling about his constant sullen mood before coming to Vancouver, and how he felt like he wasn't the person he had used to be. He told that he had felt like a stray, going from day to day without even realising the time passing. It was difficult to imagine Carlisle like that. And it made me realise that I wasn't the only one in this house haunted by my past.
Emmett and Rosalie looked both puzzled and sorrowful. Whatever they had been expecting to hear, it wasn't this.
"I'm sorry, Carlisle," Rosalie said quietly after a moment. "We weren't acting like family members should act. We should have been more supportive after Esme and Edward - " her sentence was interrupted when Carlisle shook his head at her apologies.
"I wasn't exactly seeking company at the time," he answered. "We all needed time to heal, and I wished to spend it alone. You have no reason to apologize."
It saddened me to think that he had wanted to go through that alone, at the same time trying to be strong for the others. I snaked my fingers under the table, finding Carlisle's hand. His fingers were warm against my touch, and the warmth in his eyes made me almost melt. But I couldn't understand the flare of gratitude in them; it's not like I had been there for him when he had needed someone to lean on to.
"Then something occurred," Carlisle continued, turning his gaze from me after a few more seconds and letting his eyes sweep the others. "I came to Vancouver, completely unaware of how much it would change my life - our lives."
He took a deep breath, Alice throwing him an expectant look. He licked his lips quickly, and the words didn't come so easily to him anymore. He struggled for a moment to explain the situation, and I understood why it was so easy to fail in this task. Because this wasn't something that could be explained with words. Neither of us could determine what had brought us to this. We couldn't say 'this and this happened, and after that it led to this.' It wasn't so easy.
I squeezed Carlisle's hand under the table as we both drowned in our lack of words.
The expectant silence continued, broken by Emmett's partly amused voice.
"Yeah?" he prodded.
Carlisle and I were in unison in that moment - maybe we always had been. And because no words would do now, we tangled our fingers even tighter together before raising our linked hands on the top of the dark table. And our linked fingers were like a signal - a symbol - to all those things we couldn't put into words.
Someone let out a breath, and I realised that our innocent, yet affectionate gesture had spoken.
The surface of the table was cool and smooth, and Carlisle's skin silky against my own. I met his gaze; he had an appreciative look in his eyes, as if he was looking something precious. I tore my gaze away from his ochre eyes to see his lips, learning that he wore a small smile.
Someone cleared his throat, dissolving our silent moment. It was Emmett, and I was a little afraid to look at him. But looking at him was easier that looking at Rosalie; I didn't know what kind of reaction to expect from her.
"Uh," Emmett stammered, gesturing towards my hand that was linked to Carlisle's. "At this point I should save you from more awkwardness and say that... we already kind of knew."
I stared at him blankly, wondering how long they had all been aware of this. It couldn't be true that Carlisle and I were the last persons to find out. How ironic would that be.
"Alice has been dropping hints," Emmett continued, draping his arm over Rosalie's shoulder. I finally ventured to take a glance at her.
Her expression was smooth, her brow creased in a pondering frown.
Carlisle had found his voice again, and he brushed his thumb against my sensitive skin. "She has told you?" he asked, his voice curious. Alice's chuckle rang through the room.
"Not straightforward," Emmett answered, shrugging. "The things she's said have been pretty impalpable, as usual." He threw a very annoyed glance at Alice, causing Jasper to snort softly. "But enough to help us put two and two together."
Carlisle raised his brow, his lips quirking into a small smile.
Another heavy silence.
Emmett couldn't take it - it made me entertain the idea of trying out how many seconds straight he could be quiet. Maybe someday. "Ah, come on! Don't be so awkward," he hollered, inevitably lightening the mood.
Carlisle squeezed my hand again, letting out a breath he had been holding. His eyes met mine before studying Emmett and Rosalie again.
"How do you feel of all this?" he asked, some of his concern shining through in his tone.
Rosalie had been quiet for the whole time, and I wondered if the strange relationship between us was wrecked again just when I had managed to get along with her a little better. She licked her lips, smoothing out the small frown to gaze at me and Carlisle.
"It's... " she began hesitantly. "It's a lot to take in," she admitted quietly, but to my relief she didn't sound upset. "How long ago...?" She let her words trail off, having no need to finish her sentence.
Carlisle looked at me again, a tender smile rising on his lips. He struggled to answer for a moment, making me wonder how long he had been harboring feelings towards me.
"A few days," he answered eventually, talking to Rosalie but keeping his gaze on my face. I wondered if he was thinking about what I was thinking about - the passionate kiss in the woods almost two weeks ago when all the denying and avoiding had ended between us. "I think Alice and Jasper had a better understanding of the matters before Bella and I did," he confessed with a chuckle. Emmett gave a loud laugh, and even Rosalie smiled a bit.
"And there's something more," Carlisle continued hesitantly, gazing at me as if to ask a permission. I shrugged and nodded at him.
I studied Emmett and Rosalie when Carlisle shared the conversation he had had with Jasper about the mating bond.
Emmett whistled loudly, leaning back in his chair. Rosalie raised her brow in surprise, her expression otherwise difficult to read. She cleared her throat quietly, unable to hide the quiet grief in her eyes as she spoke.
"What about Esme?" she asked, her tone wistful. "I thought she was your mate."
Jasper had been so quiet that I had almost forgotten that he was here. But now he reminded me of his presence, his low voice echoing from the walls.
"It's possible for a vampire to love someone without actually forming a mating bond," he drawled quietly, leaning his forearms against the table. Carlisle nodded, and there was the same grief in his eyes that was visible in Rosalie's.
"Esme and Edward will never be forgotten," Carlisle assured quietly.
The color in Rosalie's eyes neared black for a moment until the golden hues returned. It made me wonder how upset she really was on the inside. What if she saw the situation between Carlisle and myself as a betrayal towards Esme and Edward?
Emmett pulled Rosalie closer to him, giving quick kiss on her cheek.
"It takes some time to get used to all this," she said eventually, her voice a little tight.
"Of course," Carlisle nodded. "We understand."
Rosalie's eyes flitted from me to Carlisle, and then back to me. A constrained chuckle left her lips.
"You don't have to look so scared, Bella," she chuckled. "I'm not going to crawl over the table and skin you or anything."
I gave her a strained smile, trying to ease my tense posture. Carlisle freed my fingers from his grasp, setting his hand on my shoulder instead. His touch calmed me down more than anything, making me forget the four pairs of eyes directed at us.
"I think it's awesome," Emmett rumbled after a moment. "Maybe a little weird but - " Alice's hiss made him clam up and clear his throat. "Not weird. Just awesome. Way to go, Pop."
Carlisle chuckled quietly beside me and we exchanged a look. Relief was evident in his golden irises, and I was sure that my expression matched pretty much his.
This had gone better than I'd thought.
We all scattered on our own ways then; Emmett and Jasper dragged Carlisle to the living room to watch some important baseball game while Alice toted me upstairs with Rosalie. To be honest, I would have liked to spend my evening with Carlisle. I craved his calm presence now more than ever. And I realised that now when the others officially knew about us, we wouldn't have to sneak around anymore. It meant no more stolen kisses in the serene atmosphere of his study, no more long walks in the forest while desperately trying to drag out our private time together. No soundless kisses while curled up against his side and reading another book I had borrowed from him. No secret touches on the front porch before opening the door and getting inside... Those stolen moments had been the center of my focus during these past few days, and I tried to rid myself on the melancholy. It's not like I had lost any of those things.
Nothing would really change except that we just didn't need to hide anymore. The realisation made me feel triumphant and sudden exitement bubbled in my stomach, making the proverbial butteflies flap their wings.
The sound of the TV downstairs combined with Alice's perky chatter as we made our way to the second floor. I found myself observing Rosalie's form quite relentlessly, trying to read her movements and facial expressions to find out if she was upset or not. She was a little quiet at first when Alice led us through the second floor, straightening the piles of magazines on the shelves and tables as she went. I hadn't had the chance to see the space Alice had arranged for Rosalie and Emmett yet. She had wanted me to get the full effect once it was finished.
Most of the second floor's rooms had been turned into lounges when Alice had first arrived here. I made my way through the hallway behind her and Rosalie, peeking inside two rooms to find out that they hadn't changed that much. The light-coloured couches and carpets still adorned them, accompanied with dozens of books and magazines. It puzzled me because during these last weeks Alice had been almost constantly decorating the second floor. Surely she could accomplish a lot more that this in several weeks.
"Over here, Bella," Alice hurried me, ushering me towards the end of the hallway where two of the largest rooms resided. I peeked inside and instantly regretted my earlier mistrust in Alice.
Two of the largest rooms had been joined into one, making the space open and wide. The decor was the same modern as the rest of the house, but it took me only a few seconds to detect the classic, more older touches in the room, bringing the feel of 30's. It was very homey. The large room actually looked like a small house inside a house. The walls were a nice shade of burgundy, a very distinctive contrast to the cream-coloured floor. But it didn't cause a conflict - on the opposite. The colours complimented each other quite well. Most of the furniture was made of wood, and I had an urge to brush my fingers against the smooth material.
"Rosalie chose the colors and all the other details," Alice informed. I turned to them, seeing Rosalie sweeping her gaze around the room, an oddly contended expression on her face. I should have realised it right away. That's why the room had the feel of 30's in it - it was the time when Rosalie had been human, and I guess she had wanted to bring a little piece of her human life into this house.
"It's very beautiful," I complimented, my eyes taking in the large bed covered with a golden bedspread, the color matching the shade of the curtains.
"I think so too," Rosalie agreed, giving me a cautious smile. Alice beamed beside her, obviously complacent about her finished project. I chuckled at the large space after a moment, pointing my finger at the spot where the wall should have been.
"You actually took down one wall," I stated, not being able to decide if I should be amused or surprised. Or horrified.
Rosalie snorted softly and Alice shrugged. "It was in my way," she declared.
"Remind me not to ever to get in your way ," I chuckled.
"Will do," she promised cheerily, making her way towards Rosalie's huge closet while asking her where they had gone hunting yesterday.
"Near the West Lion," Rosalie answered.
I wondered what that was like - to be able to get in a car and drive a long distance somewhere, without worrying about catching a human scent and killing someone.
"Oh, West Lion!" Alice gushed while rummaging through Rosalie's clothes. "It's so beautiful up there."
"It is," Rosalie agreed. "We almost had to leave Emmett there. It was difficult to make him come home after seeing all those mountain lions and hibernating bears."
Emmett's thundering voice sounded from downstairs, drowning the noise of the flatscreen easily. "I wasn't that difficult," he disagreed. "I was just making a point. There's not nearly enough wild animals to chase in here." Carlisle chuckled quietly at his comment. The sound of a turning page could be heard, and I guessed that Carlisle didn't really bother to watch the game. I could easily imagine the way he had propped the medical journal against his knee, his other hand loosening the tie around his neck.
"Sure, darling," Rosalie answered, amused.
Alice had obviously decided to make this night a girls' night. After going through Rosalie's wardrobe and adding a few of her recent purchases into it, she dragged us to fourth floor into my room. I wondered if she did that to taunt me, because surely she had to know how fervently I wanted to spent time with Carlisle.
He's only three floors down, I tried to calm myself. You have the rest of the night to spend with him, to watch the way his lips move while he talks, and to see how he runs his fingers through his hair...
He had nice fingers, I realised. Who would have thought that fingers could be that... alluring?
Alice had lit up dozens of candles during my daydreaming, and the candle flames reflected from the large window of my room nicely. The scenery outside was changing colors, the evening transforming into night. Alice apparently needed a new project, judging from the way she delved into my closet I rarely even peeked into. I almost groaned when she started pulling out different garments, without a doubt wanting to see me wearing them.
I tried to ignore Rosalie's presence in the room when I started to peel off my sweater, the vain part of my mind worrying about how I looked in her eyes. Apparently being a vampire hadn't managed to raise my self-esteem very much.
Rosalie decided to leave after a while, and it made me more troubled than relieved. She didn't seem awfully upset, but I had noticed that I hadn't been the only quiet person in the room during the past minutes. Maybe she just needed time to deal with the things she had heard today.
"Carlisle?" she asked before leaving my room.
"Yes?" a honeyed voice answered from downstairs. I knew that tone - he was distracted. He always sounded like that when he had absorbed himself in reading.
"I was wondering when was the last time you changed the oil in your car," Rosalie queried, her soundless steps taking her downstairs. Maybe working with cars was something that made her mind at ease.
"It's been a while," Carlisle answered. "But you don't have to do that for me. I'll be happy to do it myself," he offered.
The image of Carlisle rolling up his sleeves and crawling under the black Mercedes made tingles run through me.
"Not as happy as I am," Rosalie stated, and I was relieved to hear a small smile in her voice. The door of the garage opened and closed, and Carlisle thanked her quietly.
After an hour I heard someone switching the channel downstairs, signaling that the game must have ended. Emmett and Jasper started a thorough analysis of the game, and I heard Carlisle getting up quietly and coming upstairs. I had expected him to go straight to his study to do his paperwork as he usually did. But instead his steps took him to the closed door of my room.
I had a tiny panic attack, then. And the reason was that I had no shirt on - Alice had just made me try on sleevess tank tops. A soft knock on the door made me start groping for something - anything - to cover my bare torso. I grabbed a towel from the couch, draping it over my shoulders, trying to ignore Alice's gleeful expression.
"May I come in?" Carlisle asked quietly.
"Yes."
"No!"
Alice's answer and my own blended together. I threw a dirty look at her direction.
After a moment of silence, Carlisle opened the door hesitantly, and he stepped inside slowly. His eyes took in the dozens of candles lighting up the room before sweeping his gaze over me. A puzzled expression came over his face, transforming into surprise.
He raised his brow, clearing his throat quietly. "Do you want me to give you two a moment?" he asked, now looking a little sheepish.
"No," Alice answered cheerily, putting the rest of the clothes into my closet with quick movements. "We were just finishing up."
I ground my teeth and narrowed my eyes at her.
"Bye Bella," she quipped and disappeared through the door, ignoring my murdering stare. I was so going to pay her back someday.
We just stood there for a moment. Carlisle suddenly seemed very interested in looking at the walls, his gaze politely avoiding my towel-clad form. I didn't know why I got so uncomfortable about him seeing me - the situation just seemed suddenly very intimate. I fisted the towel in my fingers, trying not to tear the fabric.
Carlisle threw a quick glance at me, and he seemed to have trouble swallowing. Then the other side of his mouth quirked, and I knew that beneath the surface he was hiding a smile.
I started to look around for my sweater - I couldn't stand here all night wrapped in a towel.
"Looking for this?" Carlisle asked, reaching out to take the dark grey sweater from the back of a chair. He cleared his throat quietly, holding out the garment for me and avoiding my eyes.
His attempt to hide his smile failed completely this time.
"You think this very funny, don't you," I huffed, snatching the sweater from his fingers so vigorously that it was a wonder that the fabric didn't rip.
He cleared his throat again. "Funny and... something else," he said quietly, and the smoldering in his eyes made me almost drop the towel.
Someone giggled downstairs. The functioning part of my brain was plotting a convenient way to murder Alice.
Carlisle turned away politely while I yanked the sweater on, and it took me some effort to get it on without causing any damage to it.
"You can turn around now," I told him, dumping the towel on the couch.
Carlisle had that same mischievous glimmer in his eyes as he turned, his eyes studying me as if he hadn't seen me in a long time. Then he took a step forward, brushing his fingertips against my jaw. It caused me to realise that I hadn't kissed him since this morning before he had left for work. And here I stood, wasting valuable time only to stare.
What a crime.
Usually it was Carlisle who initiated the kisses, but I thought that an exception was in order now. I rose to my tiptoes, grabbing the hand he was brushing against my jawline, and pressed my lips against his. My movements were so fast that I managed to take him by surprise. But he recovered quickly, and I could feel him smiling against my lips while wrapping his free arm around my back.
The kiss was exploring, sensual and gentle. And very free, somehow - there was no need to quiet our breaths, no need to try to stifle the sound caused by Carlisle's teeth when he gently nibbled my lower lip. Because we didn't need to keep these moments as quiet as possible any longer.
A shiver ran through me when Carlisle nuzzled the area under my left ear. Would I ever get used to the reaction his touch caused in me?
No. I wouldn't. And I really didn't want to.
I hadn't realised that I had wrapped my other leg around his hip in a way that could be considered inappropriate. Carlisle's hand on my lower back fisted around the fabric on my sweater, and a quiet sigh that resembled a moan escaped his mouth.
He did exactly what I had expected him to do, then. He pulled back from me very reluctantly, as if to gaze at me.
Except that he didn't gaze at me. His eyes were squeezed closed, like he was having trouble restraining himself. He released my sweater from his grip, taking a deep breath. I didn't know how to feel about his yet another pullback. I knew he didn't do that to offend me - he wanted us to take it slow for my own sake as much as his.
The battle he was fighting against himself did manage to amuse me a bit. He opened his eyes after a moment, kneading my shoulders gently as if to settle himself.
"So. Who won the game?" I teased, referring to the baseball game Emmett and Jasper had forced him to watch.
Carlisle frowned a bit, and his distractedness made me feel oddly smug. "Uh," he struggled. "I'm not sure. I didn't really follow it."
"Oh?" He pulled me towards the couch and we sat on it, Carlisle's hands sliding to hold my wrists gently. "You must have really focused on those medical journals again."
"Not exactly," he hummed. "My focus was entirely on something else," he admitted, and the glimmer in his eyes was there again.
I chuckled quietly. "And what managed to get your attention so unyieldingly?"
"You, of course," he whispered, pressing another kiss on my lips.
Emmett's grumble sounded from downstairs, accompanied with Jasper's chuckle. "Get a room," he grouched, but judging from his tone he wasn't complaining, only trying to tease us.
"I believe it's my house," Carlisle pointed out with a smile, drawing another chuckle from Jasper. "You're free to leave anytime you wish."
That night was almost perfect. Calmness was something that had been completely absent in my life during the past few years, but in Carlisle's company, I was able to experience it again. The feeling of tranquility was almost foreign, and I welcomed it with my arms wide open.
After hurrying through his paperwork he came back into my room, pulling me against his side while we sat on the couch. At times we were just quiet, sitting still and simply enjoying each other's presence, still learning to get used to the proximity that we got to experience. Listening to his breathing was very relaxing, and had I been a human I would have surely fallen asleep in no time.
We would talk quietly every once in a while about ordinary things. Carlisle told me about his day at the hospital, and about the people he worked with. I asked about the nurses that had taken care of me during my time there, curious to hear how they were doing. I wondered if they ever thought of me - did they ever wonder where I had left before Christmas? They were left under the impression that I had wanted to spend my last weeks somewhere else than the hospital. They'd never know that instead of dying, I would be actually more than healthy.
Carlisle got up after a while, his lithe movements taking him to my ridiculously empty bookshelf. He viewed my tiny collection of books with genuine interest, a small smile lighting up his face every once in a while. I watched him pluck a book from the shelf and look at the cover.
"Agatha Christie?" he wondered aloud, turning to me with a surprised smile and holding a copy of Endless Night.
I shrugged at him, understanding his possible confusion. "Detective stories aren't usually on my reading list. But that's not a detective story if you really think about it."
"I know," he said, browsing through the book quickly. "It has a lot of psychological twists in it. I read it when it was published."
"Of course you've read it," I quipped. "You've read every book." I puckered up my lip in a sulking manner.
He chuckled quietly, putting the book back on the shelf. "Not every book," he comforted, continuing to read the spines of my worn volumes and probably noting in his mind that he had read every single of them.
I let my eyes trail towards the large window. The scenery outside almost matched the dark blue color of my curtains, and I searched the sky longingly. It was covered with thick veil of clouds, so no moon or stars tonight, either. I was so focused on looking at the night scenery that it took me a while to realise that Carlisle had stopped breathing, and he was suddenly oddly quiet.
I glanced at him with a concerned frown. He was still standing in front of the bookshelf with his back towards me so I couldn't see his expression. But something in his posture made me suspect that something was wrong.
I was just about to call his name when he moved, placing something on the bottom shelf.
It was a piece of paper, cut from a magazine. I recognized it immediately; it was the picture of a stormy sky, the picture that had adorned the walls of my many apartments during the years. Alice had brought it from my apartment from the city a few weeks ago with the rest of my meager belongings. It had some sort of beauty in it if you really looked at it. But mostly it was only a grim ambience captured on a paper. Grey, dark, gloomy.
Carlisle attempted to give me a smile when he realised I was watching him, but the small frown on his angelic face didn't quite smooth out. His eyes searched me, making me suddenly feel vulnerable under his gaze.
"You don't like than picture," I stated, shifting on the couch and folding my legs beneath me.
Carlisle stayed by the bookshelf, throwing another resentful gaze at the sinister photo like it was a poisonous snake.
"No," he answered, and I was surprised by his curtness. "I do not."
The look in his eyes softened when he noticed my stare, and he made his way across the room calmly, his steps as slow and measured as his next words.
"It only reminds me of..." He licked his lips, his ochre eyes taking a reflective look. "It just that it reminds me of the things that I don't know about you," he explained softly, sitting beside me but maintaining a short physical distance. Like he expected me to explode or something.
My first reaction was to retreat into my shell, my mind conjuring up different ways to change the subject. But something in his eyes disarmed me, and as much as being disarmed in anyone's presence freaked me out, I stayed silent. His words echoed in the room as I waited for him to say something else. But he was as quiet as I was, and I ventured to take a quick glance at him.
His eyes were studying me again, as if to read me. To look beneath the surface. I expected it to feel somehow hostile or otherwise uncomfortable, but I only found myself feeling oddly disconnected.
"Maybe it's good that you don't know those things," I answered with a shrug, feeling the need to say something.
I expected him to deny my words, but he didn't.
"How so?" he queried, leaning his forearms against his knees but keeping his eyes on me.
I shrugged again, trying to find a convenient explanation. Something that would be honest enough and would satisfy him. The task was surprisingly difficult.
"Because... " I shook my head, once again having difficulty expressing my thoughts. "You might not see me the same way anymore."
My words were shorthanded and vague, but it was all I could offer at the moment. I hoped that he wouldn't push it anymore, that he would accept my answer as it was.
No such luck.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked softly.
Downstairs someone closed the backdoor, and several pairs of feet made their way across the yard. Maybe our conversation was making the others uncomfortable, or then they wanted to give us privacy.
"We are already so... unbalanced," I explained with a whisper, stating something that had gnawed and troubled me from the beginning. "You and I... we don't match in a way we should," I said, staying honest even though I was scared out of my mind that he might agree.
Carlisle was very still for a long time.
I glanced at his unblinking golden eyes, startled by the emotion in them.
He suddenly slid off the couch to the floor, and then he was on his knees in front of me. His hands grasped mine roughly and tenderly at the same time, the intensity of his stare making the breath hitch in my throat.
"Why would you say that?" His voice was very quiet, and the hurt in it made me almost flinch. "Is this about what we talked about a few days ago?" he asked. "When you said that you feel like you're not a whole and stable person? "
"I don't understand what you possibly see in me." My own voice reverberated in my mind as I remembered the conversation from last week.
"It's just that... Sometimes I feel like you should be with someone who can give you all af herself," I explained quietly, trying to transform the mess in my head into sensible words. Words that he could hear and understand. "You deserve to be with someone equal. Someone who doesn't hold things back."
"Someone whole," Carlisle supplied for me, and there was a barely audible edge in his tone. My nasal cavities prickled, reminding me of the tears that couldn't exist.
"Maybe," I agreed, and the coolness in my voice managed to surprise even myself.
"What makes you think that you're somehow less worth - inferior?" Carlisle challenged. "And what makes you believe that I'm a whole, complete person?"
For the millionth time I shrugged, idly wondering if that was my only way of communication.
"Because I'm not, Bella," Carlisle whispered. "When I'm without you, I'm not."
His words made me freeze. As if I had needed his words to make my brain activity cease altogether - his golden eyes were like suns as he lifted my knuckles to his mouth, brushing my hand gently with his cool lips. The gesture was like an act of worship, and still something so much more. Something passed between us then, and time and place didn't matter to us any longer.
"Then don't be without me," I asked. Requested, pleaded, begged.
Because god knew I couldn't be without him.
I crawled from the couch to sit beside him on the floor, the sudden urge to close the short distance between us overwhelming me. He met me with a warm embrace that was almost like a soundless promise. His breath was warm against my neck when I rested in his lap, clinging to him like he was my lifeline. In many ways, he was.
In all ways.
Carlisle shifted on the floor and leaned his back against the couch, pulling me closer and tucking my head gently into the hollow of his neck. He leaned his chin against the top of my head, touching my back lightly with his hand in a soothing manner.
My eyes fell back on the picture that rested on the shelf across the room. I didn't need to look at Carlisle to know that he was looking at the picture, too.
For a moment we just sat there on the floor, staring at the small piece of paper and quietly wondering how many emotions that innocent-looking picture had caused in both of us.
"I'll get rid of it if you want," I offered after a moment to break the silence.
A puff of cool air brushed my scalp when Carlisle laughed softly, the weight of his chin disappearing, replaced by the feeling of his nose pressed against my hair. He inhaled slowly, and I heard the way his eyelashes brushed the marble skin under his eyes. Did he just smell my hair?
"It's not the picture I resent," he answered softly against my hair.
"I know," I sighed, thinking about his earlier words. "It's the things it represents," I mused. "The things you don't know about me."
His lips brushed the top of my head again, and he tightened his embrace for a moment. "It wasn't fair of me to ask," he admitted. "I didn't mean to push you into telling me about things you don't wish to share." He pulled back slightly, tilting his head so that he was looking down at me. I kept my eyes on the picture, a little nervous to look into his eyes.
"I'm only very curious about you," he explained. "I've realised that I want to know everything about you. What makes you happy, what makes you sorrowful..." he listed, letting his words drift off.
I guess I couldn't blame him for wanting that; I really wanted to know every little thing about him, too.
"I'm really not that interesting person," I stated with a wry smile. "And I don't have any huge revelations to make, if that's what you're worried about." My eyes studied the layers of dark colors on the paper, my eyesight picking up the small smears of ink. "I just feel that... well, you should know what a mess I am sometimes. It's only fair to you that you know," I mused quietly, my words fading into silence.
His arms tightened around me again, his nose pressing against my scalp once more. I could easily imagine the way he narrowed his eyes and frowned in concern, and his voice was quiet as he spoke against my hair.
"I don't quite understand," he ruminated. "Why do you feel the need to make the situation fair to me? What makes you say that?"
I shrugged in his embrace. "I don't know. So that you'd know what you are signing up for."
His quiet chuckle was humorless. "You make it sound like this is some sort of a burden to be carried. This... situation between us."
"I didn't mean it like that," I assured quickly, wondering how badly I had offended him. "I meant that I'm the burden to be carried. I'm no prize, Carlisle. I just want you to realise that."
After a moment of silence he pushed me gently away from his chest, and for one fleeting moment I thought that he didn't want me close anymore. Regret was soon drowned under the intensity of Carlisle's eyes as he held me at arm's length, holding my gaze in his own.
"What you said is indescribably far from the truth, Bella," he declared with a quiet voice. "You fail to see yourself clearly enough. And I have failed in proving how much you really mean to me. I haven't proved how truly devoted I am to you."
"You don't have to prove anything," I whispered. "And I didn't mean to question your devotion to me," I continued, at the same time wondering if I had done exactly that.
"You may question it if you feel the need," Carlisle said softly. His eyes were on fire as he continued, his tone fervent and gentle at the same time. "But you should know that someday I will make you believe. Because nothing in this world will drive me away from you."
The passion in his voice rivaled with the intensity of his eyes, and I realised that he had to mean it. I felt the need to say something back, to give him the same amount of devotion and affection he was giving me time after time. He offered me his commitment time and time again, never asking anything in return. It only made him more beautiful, and that inner beauty he possessed was almost blinding.
"Carlisle... " The words stuck to my throat, one word in particular. How hard could it be?
He watched my struggling for a moment, and then pried my fingers away from his shirt. When had I started to squeeze his arm so hard?
"I know," he whispered, once again letting me off the hook and taking the weight off my shoulders, ready to give all of himself and demanding nothing from me. And I accepted it, and that's what made me so awful.
His lips brushed my fingers gently, and I leaned back against his chest.
We spent the next few minutes just being quiet. The silence of the house seemed now more prominent, and it made me wonder where the others had gone. Although, silence was a relative term nowdays; even after almost three months of being an immortal I still hadn't gotten used to all the supersensitive senses. The world surrounding me was rarely completely silent, and there was always something more to hear.
Instead of focusing on the sounds coming from the forest outside, or the ticking of the clock coming from downstairs, I focused on the sounds in this room. Carlisle's chest under my head rose and fell as he breathed quietly, the sound of his breaths calming me enough to bring me into a state that could almost count as a slumber.
"Are you sleeping again?" Carlisle whispered, very quietly as if not to disturb me. He sounded amused.
I chuckled, drawing in the scent of his clothes. It made me realise that he still wore the same clothes he had worn at the hospital, and the smell of humans had been barely noticeable to me during the day. Maybe I was getting better at this.
"Sure," I sighed. "Don't you miss sleeping?"
"Sometimes, I suppose," he admitted.
We were quiet again for a while, but eventually I sighed, pulling away from him slightly and glancing outside into the night.
"I wonder where the others went," I murmured, my eyes searching the different hues of blue and purple to pick up any familiar forms amongst the trees.
"They will be back," Carisle soothed, hesitating for a while. "Emmett and Rosalie seemed to take our news well," he pondered, his ochre eyes studying the forest as well.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Rosalie seemed to be a little bothered by it, though."
"She needs time to sort out the matters in her mind. But she will come around eventually."
"It's difficult for her... to see you without Esme," I said carefully.
Carlisle's nose pressed against my hair again, and he drew in a deep breath. "It may be so," he answered. "She's still grieving, like we all are."
I closed my eyes, suddenly engulfed by the image of the gentle woman with the hair of caramel. Her smiling mouth was transformed into a crooked grin, and a flash of bronze hair blazed in my mental picture before I opened my eyes.
"You're quiet," Carlisle whispered, his breath tickling my scalp.
"Just thinking."
I knew it before he even drew a breath to speak; I knew the question playing on his tongue before the words left his lips.
"About what?"
"Edward and Esme," I answered, my honest answer not troubling me for once. "And... I've kind of been wanting to apologize to you about something."
I pulled back from him to gaze at him, needing to see his face. A confused frown furrowed the marble skin between his eyebrows.
"When you told me about the mating bond a few days ago, I shouldn't have asked if it bothered you that Esme wasn't your mate," I said. "I had no right to ask that, to question your feelings for her."
A confused smile rose on Carlisle's perfect lips, and he lifted his hand to brush a lock of hair behind my ear. "You didn't question it," he argued gently. "And I took no offense when you asked about it. If something troubles your mind, you should feel free to ask," he assured. "Anything you might be wondering, you can ask."
Words of gratitude played on my tongue as his fingers caressed my hair. Before I could voice my thoughts, he spoke again, his golden eyes studying my expression.
"I've been meaning to talk about this with you," he confessed, confusing me momentarily. He noticed my slight frown, clarifying his words. "About the mating bond," he continued. "What are your feelings concerning the matter?"
I took a moment to try to explain my feelings to myself first; it was difficult. When he had first told me about the mating bond, my spontaneous feelings had been very entangled. I had never thought that I could be thrilled, fearful, assured and millions of other things at the same time.
But what did Carlisle want to hear me say? And what was I ready to tell him?
"It's... confusing," I began. "But it feels right, somehow," I continued, my words honest even if it meant that I was left vulnerable. "Like everything's falling into place."
Carlisle let out a breath, and a small smile lighted up his face. It made me wonder if he had the same fear that I did; that the other one didn't feel the same.
"How do you feel about it?" I asked back, needing the reassurance I only got from his words.
He pressed a quick kiss on my cheek, an appreciative look in his eyes. "Your words could have been mine," he confessed. "I've never experienced anything like this, and I'm quite thrilled to experience it together with you."
It was my turn to let out a breath, and Carlisle looked at me curiously.
"Did you expect a different answer?" he teased, his mouth curling into a smile.
I chuckled, my fingers playing with his black tie. "I guess I just worried that it bothered you somehow," I confessed, thinking about my earlier discussion with Alice during the afternoon.
"What made you think that?" Carlisle asked, a small frown on his face.
I shrugged, feeling bad for challenging him again. "It's just that you kept your discussion with Jasper a secret for so long," I muttered, lowering my gaze.
He lifted my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look at him. "You're right, I should have told you earlier," he apologized. "But believe me when I say that I didn't keep it to myself because it bothered me. I only did it in fear of losing your friendship."
"You'll never lose it," I vowed quietly.
The venom glimmered in his golden irises when he looked at me for a long time. His fingers reached out to brush my hair again, and he drew me closer against his chest, pressing his cheek against the top of my head.
"And you will never lose mine," he promised quietly, and I realised that I believed him.
The rest of the night passed in the comfort of Carlisle's embrace. The time I had with him seemed way too short, and before I even realised I heard the others arrive quietly back to the house together with the dawn. Carlisle glanced at his watch and wrapped his arm around my shoulders again where it had rested during the last hours. I pulled back from the warmth of his body, idly wondering the lack of stiffness in my joints that sitting in one position usually would have caused in me.
"You're going to be late from your shift," I murmured.
"I should get going," he agreed, standing up and helping me to my feet. I liked those little gentlemanly gestures he made, as simple as they were.
"Yeah," I agreed lazily, smoothing out the wrinkles on his shirt. "You really should go."
He threw a puzzled glance at me, worry in his eyes because I was suddenly so eager to get rid of him. I shrugged at his confusion and raised my brow. "The sooner you leave, the sooner my secret lover can arrive," I stated casually.
It was a payback time because of all those little nurse comments he had made the other night.
The look in Carlisle's eyes was suddenly very blank. Then he narrowed his eyes, and with a flare in his irises he dug his cell phone out of his pocket and started to dial a number.
"What are you doing?" I asked, keeping my voice casual.
"Calling the hospital," he stated, and it seemed like he had to struggle for that same casuality.
"Why?"
"I call to say that I'm not coming in today," he stated, and I couldn't decipher if he was serious or not. He lifted the phone to his ear.
Finally I had to laugh at his chagrined expression, unable to control myself any longer. I snatched the cell phone from his hand and aborted the call, rising to my tiptoes to give him a deep kiss he would have trouble forgetting during the next hours.
"Don't do that," I murmured against his lips. "Think about all the nurses you're disappointing by not gracing them with your presence."
He smiled against my lips, but there was something in his tone I had never heard before. "Just know that I'll have Emmett deal with every single uninformed guest that should arrive during my absence," he whispered darkly. Shivers prickled my spine, and I was suddenly very eager for him to call the hospital so I could keep him with me all day and study more of that dark side of Carlisle Cullen he always kept hidden.
"No problem," Emmett answered from downstairs, and I could hear how he puffed up his chest and tensed his muscles.
Carlisle pulled away after pressing one last kiss to my lips, looking expectantly at the cell phone in my hand. My fingers fiddled with it, my eyes sweeping the number on the screen.
"Second thoughts?" Carlisle queried innocently, quirking his brow.
Definitely.
I decided to choose the selfless act, thinking that patients probably needed Carlisle at the moment more than I did, and I erased the number from the screen and reluctantly passed the phone back to Carlisle.
"Come back soon," I pleaded quietly.
He stepped closer to me, kissing both of my cheeks before dropping a breathtaking kiss on my lips. Would I ever get used to him kissing me like that?
"I will," he promised. "And I better not find anyone here when I get back," he threatened gently. His eyes blazed as he pulled back, turning around and making his way out of the room.
The fire in his eyes set my heart alight, the flames consuming and conquering the frozen core until I could swear that I could feel it beating in unison with Carlisle's receding breaths.
And I started counting the seconds until I could see him again.