Chapter 37
APOV
Christian helped me pack my bags, and I say goodbye to Allison and everyone else at Costa Colina. Then, he drives us about fifteen minutes to Dana Point Harbor. I see a huge, beautiful yacht.
As we walk up the ramp, Christian looks to me, "Well, this is home for the next few days? What do you think?"
"It's beautiful," I reply. The smile on his face is worth this.
"It's a Lagoon 620 catamaran. Is it OK?" He asks me, and he looks worried.
"Definitely." I follow him into the main bedroom.
He turns to look at me and anxiety is radiating from him. I feel terrible that I am the reason he feels like this. "Are you hungry or anything, Anastasia?"
"I think I'd like to lie down for a little. Is that OK?"
"Sure, I'll just leave you alone." He turns to leave.
"No, don't go. Stay with me. Please?"
His eyes soften, and he gives me a little smile. "I'd like that."
His shy smile makes me smile in return. I crawl into the bed, and he crawls next to me wrapping his arms around me. He buries his nose in my hair and inhales. Then he gently kisses my head. "I have missed this and missed you so much, Ana," he whispers to me.
"I've missed you too, Christian."
I wake up, and Christian is lying next to me awake. I've forgotten how beautiful he is. "Hello, beautiful." He greets me with a smile.
"How long have you been awake?" I ask him.
"Just a few minutes. Are you hungry? It's dinner time."
"Yeah, I think so," I say as I stretch and yawn.
He gives me an innocent smile, "Your wish is my command. Would you like to go out or eat in?"
"Is it OK if we eat in?" I ask, unsure of what Christian wanted to do. The last thing I want is to disappoint him after he's done all of this for me.
He smiles at me like I don't think I've seen for the longest time. "It's more than OK. You relax, and I'll order the food." About forty minutes later, we are sitting on the deck enjoying sea bass ceviche and a fresh green salad with a crisp Sancerre. It's perfect. For the first time in such a long time, I feel connected to Christian. I feel like things are how they used to be before… before things broke.
We are sitting back holding each other and enjoying the view. I am leaning into Christian's chest, and his arm is draped around my shoulder. The sun is starting to sink into the water with bright pink and lavender hues streaming around it. "Anastasia," he quietly whispers to me, "we need to talk. Please, baby. Talk to me. I don't want to lose you."
I hear the strain and the stress in the voice of his heartfelt plea. And, I realize I haven't been fair to him. I've shut him out in my own loss and sorrow. So, I turn to him with tears puddling in my eyes. "Christian, I am so sorry." I begin to speak, and the words are just tumbling out of my mouth. I can't help it, and I can't stop. "All you wanted was to have a baby, and I killed it." Suddenly a sob escapes my throat. My true fears are now out in the open and are floating into space. "What if I can't give you the one thing I should as a woman? What if I can never have a baby? What if I don't deserve it?"
"Baby, no. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't kill our baby. Listen to me." His eyes are a dark gray with lines of worry at the corners. He implores me, "I'm the one who wanted you to come with me even though I knew there were risks. I love you more than anything. You and I, we'll always have each other. We'll always be a family whether there is two of us or ten of us."
His heartfelt and earnest words are my undoing. I wrap my arms around his neck and begin to break down with my head buried against his neck. "Shh…" he tries to soothe me as he gently rubs my back. "I love you more than anything, Anastasia."
"I love you too, Christian. I'm so sorry." Suddenly, I feel weak and tired. It's as if this guilt and grief I have been carrying with me have been lifted and left me with nothing. As my sobs die down and I feel myself calming I feel at home in his arms. The scent of my Christian is lulling me to sleep, and I can no longer keep my eyes open.
My eyes open and I am engulfed in bright sunshine. At first, I don't know where I am until I realize I am lying on Christian's chest in bed. We must be in the main bedroom on the boat, but I don't remember how we got here.
I look up to see Christian is awake and smiling sweetly at me. "Good morning, Mrs. Grey." He whispers to me. He brushes some hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. "You fell asleep on my shoulder last night. I knew you were exhausted, so I didn't want to wake you." His eyes are twinkling and being here in his strong arms makes me feel more secure and loved than I have ever felt before.
"Oh, I'm sorry." I don't know why, but suddenly I feel shy and vulnerable.
"Don't be, Anastasia. Watching you sleep is one of my favorite things to do, especially when I get to hold you in my arms." I don't have an answer, and begin to blush.
My heart skips a beat, and I get that same butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling I got when I first met him. He gives me a sly smile and his gray eyes sparkle. "What would you like to do today?" he asks me.
"Um, I don't know. I don't know anything about the island." I reply to him. I can sense he has an idea.
"I have an idea, do you trust me?" His voice is soft and soothing, yet confident.
"Of course."
About an hour later, we've enjoyed a delicious breakfast, changed and now are in the lovely town of Avalon. The town looks like it came right out of a movie. Boats of all sizes are scattered on the blue waters of the bay. Cliff-side houses crawl up the mountain above quaint streets of shops and restaurants.
We stop by a colorful tile fountain, and I realize it would make the perfect picture with the fountain and palm trees as our backdrop. Christian and I pose as I hold my phone out to take our selfie. Just as I snap the picture Christian quickly gives me a huge, sloppy kiss on the cheek. The resulting image is hilarious and probably one of my favorites.
Next, we visit the Wrigley Memorial & Botanic Garden and hike the Garden to Sky Trail. It's a gorgeous hike and the sun warming up my skin feels so good. There's something to be said about spending time in nature and how healing it is to your soul.
The end of the hike brings us to the memorial. It's an imposing tower-like structure with vibrantly colored tile that looks like something you would find in Seville. We stand by the wall and take in the view, by now the sun is beginning to set, and there is a warm pink glow cast over everything. It looks like a dream.
We're both quiet and lost in our thoughts. "Christian?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"I'm sorry." I look him in his eyes and will myself to not cry.
"About what, Anastasia?" He sincerely asks me.
"So much. I always doubted you, and I always shut you out when all you ever did was love me. I should have treated you better. You deserve more."
"Anastasia, you've been through so much, of course, you would react to things differently than someone else. But like I told you, I will always fight for you. I will always love you with everything I have and everything I am."
"I blamed myself for losing the baby. My sole responsibility was to protect our baby, and I didn't do it. There was one thing you wanted, a family, and I couldn't give that to you."
"No. It was my fault. I wanted you to go with me to Africa, and I should have looked into every possibility to keep you and our baby safe." Before I know it, he wraps his arms around me in a hug.
"I love you, Christian. You are my rock." I tell him.
"You know you can tell me anything, whatever it is. If we don't have each other, we don't have anything. It's you and me, baby." he whispers to me.
I look up at him, my husband, the man I love, "and you once told me you didn't have a heart. You do, and it's all mine."
He smiles at me, leans down, and kisses me. We return to our boat for the evening feeling closer to each other than ever before.
Underneath a blanket of twinkling stars, Christian and I hold a floating lantern made of bamboo and rice paper. Onto the lantern we attach a card that reads, "Though we never saw you, never kissed you, never held you in our arms, we will always love you and hold you in our hearts." I hold the lantern while Christian lights the fuel cell. Then, together we hold the light to the sky and let go. We watch it float up to the stars until we can no longer see it. Afterwards, we spend the night talking about everything and anything until I fall asleep in his arms.
The rest of the weekend we spend on the boat by each other's side with no need for anything else. Our love and connection have been strengthened, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from us and our hearts. We return home to Seattle renewed and reconnected.