I miss you.
I miss you too.
No you don't. I'm sure your conference is totally interesting.
Those things are not mutually exclusive, Jane.
I heard a ghost last night.
That's the last case, talking. There's no such thing.
Will you come back, M? Soon?
Of course pretty girl. Sunday, first thing.
My hands hurt.
Remember rub out to in. Make Frost do it. Have to go.
Happy Thnxgvng Maur.
I love you.
Jane puts her phone back in her pocket, smiling. "Maura says Happy Thanksgiving," she says to the room at large, and Frost and Tommy nod in acknowledgment. Frankie and Angela don't hear her.
"Ma, last year, you put it in the wrong hole. I swear to God,"
"Do not take the Lord's name in vain and no I did not. You almost put it in the wrong hole and I saved you from making a huge mistake.
Jane flops down on the couch next to Tommy, ignoring the fight, feeling her smile fading. Maura has been gone for five days to a conference in New York City, and the house has felt empty and huge without her. It is the longest that Jane has been away from Maura since she returned to Boston, and she is unable to fight the lingering panic that Maura will not return. She'd sent long e-mails about the conference and the "truly amazing" speakers that she'd listened to that Jane had only skimmed. They gave her a slightly nauseated, slightly guilty feeling, and though she'd tried to be happy for Maura, tried to reassure herself that her girlfriend would return to Boston because Boston had her, she still wakes up at night reaching out for nothing. The dreams are too reminiscent of the past for Jane's liking.
"Barry," Angela calls, her voice arching over the indignant protestations of her son, and pulling Jane out of her musings. "Which end does the stuffing go into? Seriously. Frankie won't let me put it in until someone else agrees with me..."
Frost grins, standing up and heading into the kitchen, and Jane doesn't hear his answer, just the shriek of victory from Angela and the disgruntled swear from Frankie. Jane smiles vaguely, trying to settle into the holiday, but it just doesn't feel right.
"Hey," Tommy says suddenly, reaching out to grab Jane's hand. Jane flinches, pulling away automatically as her hands twinge uncomfortably. She glares at her brother, and he puts his hands up defensively.
"Sorry," he says, "You're just picking at them, and they already look sort of red. I just thought..."
Jane looks down at her hands, realizing that he is right. It will be her second winter with these scars, and she'd hoped that this one would be better. That she would no longer feel the cold in the joints of her fingers and wrists like there is ice running through her veins.
Maura had told her to get one of her family members to rub them, or Frost, but Jane had so far been unable to bring herself to ask any of them. Maura's the only one who's allowed to look at her hands. Really look at them.
"Yeah," she says shaking them gently, winching when pain ricochets from her fingernails to the base of her palms and back. "The winter months are hard on them. Maura usually-" She stops herself, feeling a sick swoop in her stomach. She'd almost told Tommy about Maura rubbing her hands. Tommy.
"Ma wrote me about all of that stuff that went down," Tommy says into the awkward silence, and Jane looks up at him.
"Ma wrote you?"
"Sometimes. She would write a whole lot for like...six months, and then something would happen that would make her mad that I was inside. She would watch a Dateline on juvenile delinquency or someone she knew's son would graduate from something, and she would stop."
Jane contemplates her brother, "I'm sorry, T. That must have been hard."
Tommy shrugs, but Jane knows that move. She's done it a million times. "What was hard was writing her every month or a couple times a month, and not knowing what kind of response I'd get back. Or if I'd get one at all. But I felt like I couldn't stop...you know?"
Jane stares at her brother, and his cheeks go red. "Sorry. That sounds stupid," he says quickly.
Jane shakes her head. She feels a sudden rush of tenderness for this man. For this brother who she doesn't really know at all. "It's not stupid." she says.
"T?"
"Yeah."
"Can you do me a favor?"
Tommy glances at her warily. "maybe,"
Jane takes a breath. "Will you rub this hand?" she holds out her left hand, the most painful because it's the dominant one. "Maura usually...just like press from the fingers in towards the palms?"
Tommy hesitates for a second, and Jane feels panic make her light headed.
"Yeah. Okay." He takes her hand, and she notices how similar their hands are too. Long, delicate fingers.
Tommy does as she's instructed, and although it's not as good as when Maura does it, the relief is instant. Jane lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
"Thank you, brother."
Tommy nods, concentrating on his task, and Jane realizes that he's trying not to hurt her. That he's trying. "They hurt a bunch, huh?" he says, glancing at her.
"Is it obvious?"
Tommy is silent for a second. "No. not until you feel better."
She smiles faintly. "Good."
She pulls her hand away after a moment flexing her fingers slowly. It does feel better. She glances at Tommy and then away again. "Look. Tommy. I'm really sorry I didn't visit or...write while you were..."
Tommy waves her away, his face hardening for a moment and then, Jane watches a little awestruck, he makes the choice not to shut her out. "It's not like I was the best brother before I went in."
"I could have been a little bit more understanding," Jane says quietly.
"No, you couldn't have," Tommy says "You were a great sister. Consistently. I just...When I went to stay with Dad...he said so many fucked up things about you."
"Language," Jane says automatically, and Tommy rolls his eyes. Although she's always suspected that her father had said things about her to Tommy, hearing this confirmation hurts a little. It must show on her face, because Tommy's eyes widen a little.
"I was really young, and I idolized him, Jane...I didn't-"
But Jane puts her hand up. "T. I get it. I'm not blaming you."
Tommy's shoulders sag a little in relief.
They sit there for a moment, not talking, and Jane feels like something has been lifted from her. She doesn't know when the burden that was Tommy's incarceration became so commonplace that she no longer felt it. But now that it's gone, she feels herself relax a little more.
"And you've got Maura now," Tommy says, seeming to finish a silent train of thought out loud.
Jane smiles, bashful. "Yes. I do," she says, almost wonderingly.
Tommy glances into the kitchen to where Barry Frost is leaning up against the counter drinking a beer. "You guys are like...serious." he says.
Jane frowns, "Well, I live here, T, so...I'd say yes."
Tommy frowns too. "She's hot..."
Jane feels her stomach tense a little. Where is this going. "Hands off, brother," She says, letting herself growl a little. Tommy looks a bit surprised, but he also looks like she's confirmed something for him. Like he's made up his mind. "Hey," Jane says, leaning forward, pointing to his head. "What's going on in there?"
He smiles at her, genuine, if cocky, "I'm really happy you've found someone. I want you to be happy." he says.
Jane relaxes, but she still feel suspicious. She wants to say something more, but she doesn't get a chance.
"Okay!" Angela says, appearing around the corner from the kitchen. "The turkey is in! It's centerpiece time!"
Frankie and Jane moan simultaneously, and Tommy bursts out laughing. "You still do that?" he asks incredulously.
Jane buries her face in hands. "And name cards. Even though we know exactly who's coming and where we all sit," Jane says pointedly.
"Come on. Get your coats. Those leaves aren't going to choose themselves." Angela holds out the giant glass jug that the Rizzolis have filled with fall leaves as a centerpiece for the past 25 years.
Frost reaches out his hand to Jane, pulling her to her feet with a grin. Jane notices that Tommy's face has suddenly turned into a scowl. But she doesn't get to comment on it. "Janie, you have to lead the way. I don't know where the nearest park is from here."
I made you a name card.
That's sweet of you.
What are you thankful for?
Should be obvious. I have to go.
Mauurr.
Jane. I have to turn my phone off. I'm sorry honey.
Jane looks up from her phone, which she's been using discreetly under the table, and looks at her mother, who has been listing the things she's thankful for for the past three minutes. Jane tries to tune back in. Tries to ignore the panicked ringing in her ears. "And finally, I'm thankful to finally have my baby boy back with us for this Thanksgiving, and so many more to come!" She looks expectantly at Frankie.
"I'm thankful that it's about to be dinner. Because I am so hungry I was about to kill Frost and eat him."
"Hang on now, brother," Frost says in mock consternation, and then he clears his throat. "I am glad that the Rizzolis took me in as their surrogate son. And that I could spend holidays in this warmth." He smiles around at them all.
They all look at Jane. She opens her mouth, but she can't think. I have to turn my phone off. I'm sorry, honey. She closes her mouth, then opens it again. I have to turn my phone off.
"I am just...Thankful." Jane says quietly. Trying to convince herself too. She can't shake the dread. I'm sorry, honey. She forces a smile at her mother, Frost, brothers. "I love you guys. I'm just thankful." Shit. She's going to cry.
And for the second, third? time that night, Tommy comes to her rescue. "Well I love you guys too, but I'm just fucking thankful that I'm not in prison anymore."
Everyone laughs.
"Language," Jane says, automatically.
Hi, pretty girl!
Maura.
Why are you crying?
Because you're not here, and I miss you.
I'm right here. Come here.
You're here?
Of course I am. Open your eyes. I'm right here.
Maura,
Shh, beautiful. I love you so much. wake up.
"Maura."
Jane sits up, alone in bed, the name winging around the empty room like a trapped bird.
She grabs at her head, digging her nails into her scalp, trying to ground herself. "She's in New York. You just talked to her a couple hours ago." She's gone.
"No. She's on a trip. It's just your brain playing tricks."
She's gone she's gone.
Jane sighs, swinging her feet onto the rug. Grabbing the pillow from Maura's side of the bed, and the top blanket, she heads into the living room. She settles on the couch, tucking herself into the back of the couch frame like she would her girlfriend. She cocoons in the blanket, begging her subconscious to fall for the trick, but not holding out much hope. It didn't really work last night or the night before. Why would it work now? Jane sighs and pulls Maura's pillow closer. Tears burn, and she gives into one, before setting her resolve and literally forcing herself into unconsciousness.
A sound in the front hall makes her eyes fly open. Something clatters to the floor, out of sight and Jane stands up, cursing herself for not setting the alarm. As quietly as she can, Jane tiptoes to the doorway and looks around the corner, her mind already going a mile a minute, to the knives in the kitchen to her baseball bat in the back closet, to her own self defense training.
The figure in the front hall drops something on the table by the door and makes an irritable movement with her hands, just like...
"Maura?"
The figure in the hall gives a little yelp of shock and whirls to face her. It looks like Maura. Jane pinches herself hard enough to wince. Maura is still standing there.
"Jane. God, you frightened me. What are you doing up? It's three in the morning."
Jane gapes. "What are you...It's Thursday."
"Technically it's Friday," Maura says reasonably.
Jane takes a step closer, trying to let her conscious mind catch up with her eyes. "What are you doing home? You have an entire two days left of conference."
"Okay, yes. That's true," Maura says, sounding nervous. "But I couldn't sleep. I kept dreaming that you got hurt, and I couldn't get to you. And I dreamt that when I came back you weren't here and no one knew where you were. Totally illogical, I know." Maura is wringing her hands. "But telling myself it was illogical didn't help at all. And then I told you to let Frost help you with your hands, and...I'm sitting in a lecture on how Mitochondrial DNA is the gateway to genome processing, and I can't focus on any of it because I can only see someone else helping you with your hands and..." she looks at Jane a little defiantly. "That's my job, Jane. I hate the idea of anyone else making your hands feel better. How awful is that?" Maura sounds close to tears, and Jane realizes that she is already crying. She rushes forward to embrace her doctor, everything suddenly making sense. "You had to get on the plane," she says quietly, into Maura's hair.
"I had to turn my phone off for the flight, yes," Maura says, her arms around Jane's waist.
Jane pulls away, taking Maura's hand. "C'mon."
She doesn't take her girlfriend to the bedroom. She takes her to the couch, to the little nest she has made, and pulls her down with her. She wraps her arm around Maura and snakes her hand into her hair, feeling like something inside her is loosening.
"You felt it too," Maura says as Jane wraps them up in the blanket. She nods. "It can't be healthy," Maura murmurs. "It was five days."
Jane shrugs, trying to pull Maura closer, even though it's not possible.
"We should talk about it, to someone, maybe." Maura says, but her voice is already heading towards sleep, and Jane knows she has had about as much rest in the past five days as she has.
"Okay," she whispers against Maura's ear, almost giddy at the feel and smell of her girlfriend. Near her. "But tomorrow."
Maura nods once, and they are instantly asleep, like the other's heartbeat is the best, most wonderful lullaby they have ever, will ever, hear.
These chapters have been longer recently. Hope that's okay.
skellagerardway, you picked up on it! You're gonna have to wait a little...but... :) At least we know what Maura wants. Cheree: I hope those are good gross sobs, if there is such a thing. TVcrazed, it's like you read my mind! Ts don't run out of fluff yet! heatwave, friendsfan, lisahomeandaway, thank you much! 19 more chapters! I can't believe its (much) more than half way done.
Aw. Fallenaustin! yes. this is my first Fic. I've got a couple of one shots that have come out of drafting this, but I don't know if they are good/would get read. your reviews are amazing. thank you so much!
for those of you wondering where we are in the season, we are a chapter away from Remember Me.
Happy reading!
t.c.