Pride & Prejudice D.B.Z
Chapter Thirty Seven
Vegeta let the morbid words slip out and unfathomably escape, not possessing enough inner self control to attempt to hold them back, the truth in them was so blindly visible he felt it was time he finally say it aloud.
"Of course it does Vegeta!" Bulma exclaimed, leaning towards him with worry displayed across her face, feeling she had finally unintentionally triggered him to a point of insanity, something she had not set out to do at all, still clasping onto his hand as if meant dear life to her, something no one had ever felt in his presence, in his distinction, at his touch. "Vegeta…being a Saiyan Prince…that's a big deal…isn't it?" she questioned but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't remove the hint of doubt the question held in itself.
"You would think that…" Vegeta responded with bitter humor at hearing her contradict his point so tactfully. "Being around me that would be your natural impression…but now I've actually stopped to think about it and I wonder…I dare to question…does it mean anything now that my race is extinct"
"Oh Vegeta!" Bulma cried with an extended plea, unable to bring herself to deal with the circumstances. "Please stop! You're not making any sense! Being a Saiyan Prince is important… it has always meant something to you…it does mean something even still…you're just…slightly…shaken up…"
Gazing over at her frantic face Vegeta was full of secret admiration and comfort that he hid in her favor and so with his free hand brought it up to her face and gently trailed a finger down her cheek, wiping away the remaining tears while she froze, holding her breath in suspense, unable to get over the shock that he was willingly touching her, and his action was as gentle as ever, the notion even more so.
"I am not, as you are probably wondering, going insane" he assured her, his voice carrying more feeling than he wanted it to betray but he carried on, purposely knowing this fact. "I am merely thinking over this and it seems to me that I have been living on a pretend fantasy that has made my life seem meaningful…"
Bulma eyes widened to such an extent he could see the whites of them under the sparkling, starting to tear up turquoise blues she possessed, her mouth slightly open, and her paling expression begging for some form of elaboration on the rash pretense while he thought of a suitable example to support.
"Look at Kakarot!" he suddenly began with the subject to offer and Bulma blinked back at him in confusion so that he was forced to carry on, and reveal even to himself why he was so unsuccessful in everything he wanted. "He…the son a third grade Saiyan post guard with absolutely no memory of his proud Saiyan heritage, raised by the likes of an old earthling man and yet he seems to find everything perfect!"
The pure jealousy was clearly drawn in his voice, bitter as ever as he went into the discrimination of detail. "He is full of lively optimism that drives me insane and has managed to settle himself down in meek society with no problems to his credit! He has befriended earthlings and Namekians alike, gotten himself just about mated with an earthling woman and even with all these weaknesses, he still proves to be growing stronger, energy continuously increasing!"
Bulma felt neither the blows nor insults of this critical explanation but rather began understanding what Vegeta was heading towards and it was confirmed once Vegeta carried on.
"I, however, was born the Prince of all Saiyans with a royal title and I was feared and respected throughout the cosmos, in far away galaxies. I lead armies, conducted battles, and nearly became the ruler of my planet! Yet, I failed, was brought down by that wretched lizard! Brought to earth by the likes of Kakarot and look at me! Here I am, dressed like one of them, having to restrain my potential, hated by nearly everybody around me with absolutely no clue of what happiness might possibly feel like, having to feel angry all the time without any particular reason, reduced to the habit of living up to a title that has no significance any more"
Somehow the situation Bulma was trying to resolve suddenly changed completely from its form, the purpose and supposed reason of the complexity altered utterly. It wasn't just about what Vegeta felt about love or hurt or even her anymore that seemed to be getting in the way of everything she dreamed of but rather what Vegeta seemed to feel about himself, all his concerns and insecurities he was suddenly pouring out that replaced the position of offender.
"Vegeta…I didn't know…I never knew… that you felt this way" she managed to put together in a strung up wary sentence, squeezing his hand tighter to give him at least some form of comfort but Vegeta merely smirked at her display of affection and sympathy, though his fingers had tensed up on her face.
"How could you?" he simply asked without consideration. "I've never much appreciated wallowing in self-pity, it's useless, and so never actually told anybody what I felt…until…now…"
"Well…you should more often then…" Bulma urged playfully, letting his hand drop limply in his own lap unrepentantly but only to shift herself and collapse on her rear, sitting down next to him and hugging her arms around her legs, leaning her chin on her knees, allowing her hair to cushion the surface while Vegeta observed her quizzically, taken aback by her random change in personality and mood before carrying on.
"Tell people about my feelings? That is weakness at the pinnacle of its deceit!"
"Umm…yes, I'm sure it is…but I guarantee…when you talk to people about your feelings…they always seem to get better…"
Vegeta seemed completely disbelieving, not sure of what promise he could trust Bulma with, the doubt was there, that she would not understand what the issues with him were and where they stood, would scoff mercilessly and brush them away but then he thought back to what they'd been through, how they'd pulled through for each other and lead themselves up to this very point and it came to him then, as a fiery spark of hope.
He loved her. That was that. He loved her. Of course, he had no crazy mind spun intentions of telling her so anytime soon but if he did truly love her after all then wouldn't that mean he should feel perfectly free to tell her how he felt, at least about himself, if not her.
Of course, there was the subject of his pride, how he would be demeaning all self-respect but he suddenly found himself wondering, was it all even worth it? It wasn't. It just wasn't worth it if he would remain feeling so bitter inside himself, angry at possibly everything that he came across, hating himself for practically no reason at all. What was the point in being the descendent of a mighty people, a warrior race, the Saiyans, who achieved so much and were respected throughout the universe if he now had no purpose to serve them? What was the point in continuing to act as if he still had an entire planet at his disposal when the truth was plainly scrawled across the walls, that his race had perished long ago at the hands of the terrible dictator lizard Frieza and now here he was, the Prince of a dead being, the Royal Highness of nothingness, the ruler of him and only himself.
"I just hate being like this…being so angry…all the time…so cautious…so depressed…" he confessed, allowing his lips to let the words mouth themselves out, burying his head in between his own knees so that his voice came out slightly muffled but Bulma heard him anyhow. "This title I was bestowed…Saiyan Prince…it's wasted…they're dead…I have to accept that but…I just…can't" he ended of furiously, resurfacing once again, face flushed from the heat he had trapped himself in for that while, clenching his fists and bringing them down forcefully, bashing into the earth so slight tremors occurred beneath the both of them so that Bulma instinctively grabbed a hold of him for safety, to avoid falling over on her backside. Realizing he was causing a minor earthquake Vegeta brought about some control so that the repetitive shaking ceased instantly but his own feelings remained shaking until Bulma spoke up, looking up at him with an unreadable expression and Vegeta had every urge to kiss her, right there and then and not have second thoughts on the fact but something held him back inside as she spoke.
"Vegeta…you…being a Saiyan Prince…it's not a waste…anything but! The Saiyans are not dead…not just yet! As long as you and Goku are still alive Saiyans still exist! And even if Goku doesn't count as a Saiyan because of his lack of memory on his heritage, you still do have that memory…the memory that serves as existence, proof that Saiyans are still alive. Never think that you being the Saiyan Prince means nothing!" she assured him, hugging onto him tighter, closing her eyes lovingly. "As for you feeling angry …cautious…depressed…it's because you disconnect yourself…no living thing can live a life isolated from others…I may be a human and you may be a Saiyan but that doesn't mean you have no right to express your feelings to me and that doesn't mean I have no right to express my feelings to you…I understand that you don't want to reveal your true emotions to everybody…your Saiyan blood and ethics keep you from appearing to…humane…but that merely means you are accustomed to the ways of the Saiyan race which is only correct considering you are their most esteemed Prince but that doesn't mean you can't have just one person, one living soul and being, to vent through…one singular person who you can share whatever you want with…whose opinion you value, whose decision you respect and who doesn't drive shame into your heart when you confess…that's all you need and you won't be so angry anymore…you won't be so cautious…you will never be depressed…"
His head was bent down so close to hers now he felt the need to resist begin erasing itself as he brought that hand back up to her face, cupping it and bringing her closer, knowing that no matter what he thought about it afterwards, she was right and she was his person, his vent, his consoler and with her final words ringing in his head he had now subjected to utter weakness…and it was making him stronger…stronger than ever before…