Chapter 37

The cab dropped him off and Steve asked the driver to pick him up again from the same spot in a couple of hours. He made his way over to one of the benches overlooking the bridge. As long as he lived, he knew he would never tire of this view that took his gaze across the straits connecting San Francisco Bay with the Pacific Ocean. The sky was so bright and sunny today that he could see clear across to Marin County to the north and across to the infamous Alcatraz island to the east. It was always windy up here and, despite the warmth of the day elsewhere, the wind cut through him and he pulled up the collar of his beige raincoat and nestled into it. Plunging his hands deep into his pockets, he sat for a while and just drank in the peace and beauty of the view but, eventually, his mind turned purposefully to the events of the previous weeks and especially to the proposal that had been put before him today.

He thought back over all that had been said that afternoon. He knew he'd been angry and unnecessarily hard on Mike when he'd as good as accused him of wanting rid of him. Where on earth had that thought come from? Of course, he didn't want to side-line him from the office. It was only natural that Mike would want what was best for him and that's why he had supported Jonas Lyle in his offer to Steve. He tried to put himself in Mike's shoes. His friend had only ever wanted to help him, and he'd realised Steve was currently doing little more than marking time in his present position. Mike knew his young partner almost as well as he knew himself, and it was clear to him that Steve was uneasy in his life right now and simply making the best of a bad situation that had turned his normally ordered life upside down.

Steve had been injured before, but this injury was so much worse than any of the other times, and it was more than enough for him to cope with without the PTSD as well which was just complicating and clouding things so much. He knew he had a long period of convalescence ahead of him and, though he knew he was using the time to make himself useful to the other officers in the squad, of necessity he was limited to work that was well below his capabilities. He'd told himself so many times it was only for a few months, he could stick it out, and there was light at the end of the tunnel... even if it was in the far distance. If he could just carry on as he was doing, eventually he'd get his life back and his position as Mike's partner. That's what he wanted more than anything. It was those damn feelings of jealousy, fuelled by the anxiety of the PTSD, that ground into him. He knew Mike needed a partner in his absence, and he accepted he'd been the one most responsible for pushing the two of them together to make that partnership work, but he would hear Mike call for Paul to accompany him on a call out, or even on routine enquiries, and he couldn't deny it cut him to the quick and made him wish it was he who was following Mike out of the office. Jealousy wasn't a feeling he was used to, and it was something he neither liked nor was proud of, but seeing Paul partner Mike day after day hurt... it hurt so bad. He knew Paul would never take his place in Mike's private life, but at work... well... who knew? Without a return to full fitness, it was a distinct possibility.

Steve knew he had to be realistic. There was no absolute guarantee that he would ever be fit enough to return to active duty, and then what would he do with his life? There was no way he wanted to get shunted off to the academy as a permanent post but, temporarily, it was appealing more as a viable option. If he could make a go of it, it would be another string to add to his bow, and would look good on his resumé if he ever had to look for other work. Other work! Work outside the police department! Not to be a cop anymore! Suddenly his stomach began to churn with a sick, panicky feeling. Where were all these notions coming from? He was thinking way too far ahead of himself. Damn the PTSD! He needed to slow his thoughts down. He tried to remember what Lenny had taught him to do to calm himself and suppress the negative thoughts that were swirling in his brain. There was no need to go there at all. He just needed to close his eyes, and breathe deeply and evenly to calm himself and relax and let his irrational fears and anxieties fall away from him. He let the peace and quiet wash over him and slowly he settled.

After a few minutes he was able to resume his thinking more rationally. He'd been told by the medics that he was almost certain of a near total recovery, so why question it now? Deep down, he knew this was something he needed to consider and face up to. If he was being totally honest with himself, he'd had these doubts from day one of the accident. No matter what anyone said to the contrary, his recovery wasn't one hundred per cent guaranteed. He knew he couldn't return to active duty on the streets with less than full fitness, and that was the crux of the matter. This was from where his doubts, his insecurities and his fears stemmed. This was what was making him edgy at times with the people around him. He could suppress that edginess most of the time, but with Mike it was different. With Mike, he could hit out and say things he didn't mean, knowing that his friend would understand and forgive him. Mike knew it wasn't the normal Steve talking. He knew it was the anxiety and the fear coming out, and Steve knew that, no matter what, Mike would always understand. But in no way was that fair. Lashing out at Mike and then expecting forgiveness and understanding was not good enough. He needed to stop doing this to his friend. How many times since the accident had this happened? The answer stared him in the face... too many. Well no more. Whatever happened in the future was his own responsibility and no-one else's. It was up to him to map out his own future, whether it was in the department or out of it, and no-one else was to blame for it if it went wrong... certainly not his dearest friend. Somewhere, hidden amongst the turmoil his life was currently in, was his old self, and finding that person was the key to getting his life back on track. He had to accept all the help he was given whether it be from Lenny, Dr Truman or the physical therapy team, and he would get there. He was as certain of that as he could be. Mike was standing in the wings waiting for him and he wouldn't... he couldn't... let him down.

He turned his thoughts to the position at the academy. These proposed changes had clearly been under consideration for a while, and common sense told him no-one had come up with this proposition simply to help him out of a fix. Captain Lyle had plans for the future of the academy and, if he didn't take up the offer to help with this pilot scheme, someone else would. The ideas that he'd broached were to be considered as part of new strategic planning for the academy, and it was Steve's chance to get in right at the grass roots of those plans, and maybe leave his mark on the academy for future cadets. He turned it over in his mind, and the more he thought about taking the position, the more the idea grew on him. It really was a wonderful opportunity for his career and one that he should feel honoured to have been offered. It was also one that he'd be a fool to turn down. It would stretch and challenge him and help to take his mind off his own problems by shifting his focus onto helping the academy and helping the cadets too.

Mindful of his current injury and the PTSD, and in view of what had been laid out as the initial idea behind the scheme, he had to ask himself if the added pressure might prove to be too much for him at this present time? Did he feel he could adopt the mantle of a temporary personal tutor and do justice to the trust and faith that was being put in him? Clearly Captain Lyle and Mike, and even Rudy, thought he was capable of what they were asking, but did he feel that way himself? Well why not? He wasn't arrogant or conceited... at least he hoped he wasn't... and if someone was going to carry out this job then why shouldn't it be him? He was as good as the next man. He'd gone through the academy just the same as every other officer in the SFPD. He'd finished almost top of his class, and he'd advanced rapidly through the ranks to where he was now, and he knew for a fact that hadn't been achieved by being given a helpful leg-up here and there, or by being on the receiving end of favouritism. He was level headed and modest enough to know that he'd got where he was today by his own fortitude, ability and sheer hard work. He was also sensible enough to realise that he needed to be mindful of his own health and well-being. If the work at the academy, together with the work at the bullpen, began to prove too much for him, he hoped he would have the foresight to recognise and accept that fact, and be prepared to step down from one or the other. Common sense told him that his health, both physical and mental, had to come first.

As the sun was disappearing behind the clouds and the afternoon cooled down, he shivered and realised he was growing cold. He looked at his watch and found it was almost time to return to the pick-up point for his cab to return him to the city. Coming out here had been more than helpful. The keen wind had cleared his head, and he could now see that he very much wanted to take this opportunity that was being offered, and he'd tell Captain Lyle on Thursday morning as planned. As for Mike, he'd tell him tonight. He owed Mike an apology for thinking badly of him, and he was well aware of how much he'd hurt his partner. Things had to be put right between them, and it was down to him to do it.

The cab pulled in at the side of the road and Steve climbed into the front passenger seat and asked the driver to take him to 768 De Haro Street. They stopped briefly at Mama's on the way where he bought a salmon and broccoli quiche and the necessary accompaniments. He was the one who owed Mike an explanation and an apology, and it was only fair that he should go to Mike rather than Mike should come to him. As the cab pulled up at the foot of the long flight of steps leading to Mike's home, the cab driver asked if he was sure Steve felt confident enough to make it to the top. Steve stood and surveyed the long climb and knew that he would walk through hot coals for Mike if he had to, so a couple of flights of steps should be a breeze. He asked the cab driver to carry the bag with the groceries to the top for him before he drove off, and then, with frequent stops to ease his aching arms and to get his breath back, he began the steady climb to the top. Mike had given him a key to his home not long after they became partners, and he took his key ring from his pocket, located the correct key, and let himself into Mike's empty living room. He unpacked the food he'd bought and laid the table in Mike's small kitchen, then helped himself to a coffee and settled down in the darkness of the fading light to wait for Mike to return from work. He knew he wouldn't have long to wait.

Steve heard Mike coming up the steps and approaching the front door, and remained seated on the couch as the door opened. Mike turned and shut the door and flicked the light switch on, then turned back into the room, nearly jumping out of his skin when he saw Steve sitting waiting for him.

"Steve! For goodness sake you scared me half to death! What are you doing here? How did you get up here?"

"I have a key... remember?"

"I didn't mean the key. I know you have a key. I meant... how did you get up here... you know... the steps?" Mike put his keys on the side table and took the chair opposite Steve.

"Oh, the same way I manage everything else at the moment... sheer grit and determination."

"Well, Buddy Boy, I'm really glad to see you. Look, about this afternoon... I'm really sorry that…"

"No, wait! Let me speak." Steve's eyes bored into Mike's. "I'm the one who should be sorry, Mike. I'm the one who lost it this afternoon and I had no right to do that to you, and especially not in front of Rudy and Captain Lyle. It was very wrong of me. I know you weren't trying to side-line me and I totally accept that Captain Lyle made the first move. I should know you better than that by now. I'm just... well... it's hard to explain but... I'm a little insecure in my standing with the squad at the moment, and particularly with you."

"Insecure! Steve you have no need to feel insecure. Your place is there waiting for you to take up where you left off on the night of the accident. You should know that, and it hurts me to think that you can believe any differently. Have I given you cause to think that because, if I have, then it was completely unintentional and I apologise if that's the case?"

"No, Mike. You've done nothing wrong. It's me. Sometimes... well... I just feel the way forward is clouded right now. Since the accident I feel I've somehow lost my ability to see a clear future for myself. I guess you could say it's caused me to be full of doubts and I'm not used to that. I'm usually so clear-headed and focused on what I want and where I'm going. I've tried to blame it on the PTSD, but then I tell myself it's too easy to just do that."

"But the PTSD is playing a major part in your life at the moment, Steve, and you can't just ignore it. Lenny's told you it'll improve with time but it's not something that will disappear overnight. It'll take time to work through it."

"I know that and I understand what you're saying, but I don't want to find myself using the PTSD as an easy excuse for the way I feel, for my bad behaviour... and... for hurting you. You, of all people, don't deserve that. My doubts and insecurities are my problem, and it's up to me to find a way to deal with them."

"You can always talk to me, Steve. You know I'll listen and help if I can. I'm always here for you."

"I know that, Mike, but sometimes we're just too close to talk. I can't put all my doubts and troubles on you all the time. I need an outsider to help me see and think more clearly and that's where Lenny is helping."

"What kind of doubts? Do you mean about your leg? Did Dr Truman tell you something the other day that you haven't told me?"

"No! No... don't worry... he says everything's progressing well. It's just... kind of... oh, I don't know! I guess with all that's been going on... everything just … sort of... folded in on top of me today. For weeks now, I've been trying to hold everything together after the injury. Then we got the Hennessey accusations and then on top of that came the offer out of the blue this morning from Lyle, and... it was too much, Mike. It was all... just... too much. And what I struggled with most, and what hurt me most, was that you knew all about it but you hadn't seen fit to tell me, and I guess I just felt like I was suddenly on very shaky ground not only with work but... with you."

"But, Steve, you have no reason to feel like that. Hennessey's accusations against you are... well... nothing short of farcical, and Lyle came up with the idea to offer you the post at the academy not me. I told you it had nothing to do with me trying to shunt you off elsewhere."

"I know that, Mike. I told you I knew it was wrong of me to even go down that road. I don't know why I even thought that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be back at work, it's what I wanted, and I'm happy to be helping out the others wherever I can, but... oh hell...it made sense earlier on when I got to thinking about it, but now... oh man, this is going to sound ridiculous... but..."

"But what, Steve? For goodness sake will you just spit it out and say what's bothering you!"

"Okay... okay... You're going to be mad as hell at me, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's just seeing Paul as your partner when it should be me! I'm jealous! I'm sorry, I know it's childish, but he's taken the place that should be mine. I know he's a good officer, but it's me who should have your back not Paul, and... well... I worry that he might not be up to it if anything was to happen to you and your life was to be put on the line. Would he be able to give you the back-up you need? What if you got killed because I wasn't there to prevent it and, in my place, he wasn't good enough? There, I've said it. Now tell me I'm being ridiculous." He looked across the room at Mike and expected him to burst out laughing at such childish nonsense. Even he could hear how ridiculous and immature it sounded now he'd actually said it out loud.

But Mike didn't laugh. He just stared Steve out for a few seconds then lowered his head, tapped his hands on his knees, put his hands on the arms of his chair and slowly pushed himself up. He crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the armchair that was set at right-angles to the couch, and reached across and put his arm across Steve's shoulder. "Steve, you have no need to feel jealous or insecure... or even afraid for me. I know I bluster and complain about him, but Paul's a decent enough police officer and, if we were in a fix, I have no doubts at all that he'd do okay, so stop worrying on that score. You know he's temporary. He's where he is purely for the duration of your recovery, but he's not of your calibre. Trust me. Your place at my side is rock solid and secure, and waiting for you when you're ready, and... you're forgetting something most important."

"What's that, Mike?"

Mike's fingers slid to the back of Steve's neck and rested below his hairline. "You say you miss working alongside me? Well, Buddy Boy, I miss you just as much, if not more. How do you think I feel when we're out in that car every day and I look across and it's not you behind the wheel? How do you think I feel when I try to bounce ideas off him and it's like trying to bounce a lead weight rather than a rubber ball? I'll let you into a secret, too." He lightly shook Steve's neck. "He's nowhere near as good a driver as you are. He's almost wrapped us round a street light more than once and... this really annoys me... when he parks on a hill he always parks the car the wrong way round, or sideways on, so I'm having to get out with the car facing uphill. It's the devil of a job to keep the door open and get out, especially when you're getting on a bit, you know. I seem to struggle every day and it's most undignified for a man in my position."

Steve started to laugh. "Oh, Mike. I thought I was suffering, but you're suffering too, if only in not being able to get out of the car in a dignified fashion." He looked affectionately at his friend. "You implied not long ago that we were like an old married couple, and I think you're right. I'm jealous of your 'significant other' and you're not happy because he's a lousy driver. We're a right pair of idiots, aren't we?"

"We sure are but, in a contest, you'd win hands down! Now, if we've sorted out our insecurities, how about we go out and get something to eat... my treat?"

"I've got a better idea. How about we stop in and get something to eat... my treat?" And Steve pointed towards the kitchen. "I took a bit of a liberty before you got here."

Mike stood up and hurried towards his kitchen and looked inside. "Well, that's a spread fit for a king," he beamed that goofy, adorable grin that Steve loved. "This looks great. Come on, let's eat. I'm starving."

As they ate and enjoyed the food Steve had laid out earlier, the conversation between them returned to the subject that had caused the problem between them in the first place.

"So, where did you get to this afternoon? Did you manage to reach a decision about the academy, Steve?"

"I took a cab up to the view point overlooking the bridge. The fresh air up there always clears my head... and every other part of me too. It was very windy up there," he laughed. "I've given it a lot of thought and I've decided to take the job for three reasons. One... it's something different and sounds intriguing. Two... I've never done anything like that before, so it should also be very challenging. And three... it's a chance for me to possibly influence the future development of the academy side of the SFPD even if only in a small way. Oh, there's a fourth reason. I believe it's a great opportunity, for me and for my career, that probably wouldn't have been offered to me but for the accident. You know I'm a firm believer in fate and that things happen for a reason. June Holloway... remember... the night nurse? Well, she said something similar when I was chatting with her one night. She said she believed sometimes life throws us a curve ball for a reason. Perhaps she's right and this is 'my reason', so I'm going to grab the opportunity with both hands and see what I can make of it. I have this PTSD, Mike, as well as my injury, and it's ruling my life at the moment. I need to get a handle on it and overcome it. I'm hoping that, in taking this job, I can change my focus onto others instead of myself. If I can help Jonas Lyle, help the cadets and beat the PTSD at the same time, it will all have been worthwhile."

"I'm glad, Steve, and I have a feeling you're going to be very good at it. I just hope you're not taking on too much with everything else. Just take care, and be aware of your limitations with regard to your health, and don't overdo it. I'll be keeping a close eye on you and, if it gets too much for you, we can think again. Okay?"

"Okay, Mike. Thanks."

"Now... can we make another decision?" Mike asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Sure. What decision's that, Mike?"

"Which one of us is going to wash and which one's going to dry?" And both men laughed heartily and spent the rest of the evening chatting and feeling very content in each other's company until it was time for Mike to take Steve home.