Chapter 36 - Decision

It now struck Sam as wrong that their first stop always seemed to be to the infirmary. It was backwards, twisted, and Sam didn't want to feel so comfortable there. The Tok'ra shouldn't even need an infirmary; there should never be anything that drastic that a symbiote couldn't heal. Its very presence was a reminder that things were wrong in the world.

And today, Sam had to realize it. The first indication was that Sha're's room was empty. Larys said quietly that she had wished for time by herself, and had taken Shifu and requested a small chamber of her own. The Council needed a full briefing on M4D-495 and what it meant for the future, but in the meantime Sha're's request had been granted. Sam and Jolinar both knew that there was more to it; Sam wondered if she would even be granted a meeting if she asked for it.

There was another person who did not need to be in the infirmary, though. Sam walked to his section and saw him pacing back and forth, his strong forehead marked with deep creases, his gaze brooding as his arms were tightly crossed—to keep them from twitching, Sam thought. He snapped upright as soon as she drew very close.

"Everyone walks quietly here," Jacob commented, tone crisp and full of tension.

"Sorry; the general idea is stealth," Sam said, shrugging. "Thinking about things?"

"As if there's anything else to do?" he answered.

"True," Sam said with a slight nod. "Mind telling me?"

He paused, watching her, and then gestured awkwardly to a stool and sat back down on the edge of his bed.

"You don't look comfortable," Sam began.

"Shouldn't be a surprise," Jacob answered, continuing as if he had just been waiting to start this conversation. "That's the main issue I have here, in fact. You see, your reactions—they're typical as far as I remember, at least in style. You have all the tics still, and a few extra I don't recognize."

Sam adjusted herself from a nervous hands-in-lap stance to gently folding her arms, trying not to grip her upper arms in an even more nervous self hug. Things shouldn't be making her this self-conscious, but that was one aspect Sam couldn't help.

"But the problem is, you aren't behaving like my Sam would in this kind of situation," he continued, using his hand for a slight emphasis.

*Just like you do,* came an almost unconscious thought from Jolinar, that maybe wasn't supposed to be heard.

"Do you even see this place?" Jacob pressed, eyes narrowing slightly. "With your own eyes, I mean? The walls hum, but not a machinery hum, a, I don't know, but I can't get over it. And what are they made of anyway? Not glass, not metal, not even plastic."

"They're natural crystals," Sam said. "There's some kind of process that makes them give of light and sound."

"They glow too?" Jacob asked, astonished. "I thought they were just conduits for...Sam, this doesn't weird you out. There are no doors. Every time someone walks by, I know there's a, a symbiote in their head, but they look normal. When they talk, though, it sounds like they're coming through really bad speakers. The food is...disgusting, frankly, and it's not natural. The clothes...the way they walk...you should understand this, but you don't, I can see it in your face."

Sam sat, looking at him, and found herself without a rebuttal. "And you haven't even seen the communal baths..." she murmured.

"The what?" he demanded.

"No, you're right," Sam continued. "I didn't—my first surprises were a little different." They really did care about the host? Jolinar was married? They sleep nude?

"So what, you just didn't notice?" Jacob asked, looking straight at her for the first time since she walked in. "I really am curious, Sam. You've been gone a while, so some of it should be familiar by now, but all of it? I can't know for sure, though...you've been going through planets for over a year since the last time I saw you."

"And I knew about the gate long before that," Sam said with a reluctant smile. Two years in the Pentagon, that year after the first Abydos mission...aliens were part of her past by now. "But I guess Jolinar was the one who had to deal with all of this, and it was home to her; I didn't have a way to step outside the box and see it differently, really." And she had noticed that, sometimes. Just didn't realize the extent until now. "It should have been harder for me, would have been, I think."

"Except for..." Jacob trailed off, hand gesturing towards her head absently. He shut his eyes, shook his head slightly. "This is all too strange."

"Yeah, I'm getting that," said Sam, trying to comprehend what he was going through and only being able to grasp a vague memory to help her sympathize. "I'm sorry."

"It's not really your fault, is it?" Jacob answered, his tone a little calmer as he opened his eyes again. "She took you here against your will, you've just learned to live with it."

*Hey...*

"Whoa, wait, what?" Sam broke in, putting up a hand. "You think she stole me away?"

Jacob frowned. "What else were we supposed to believe?"

Sam sighed. "I didn't even think...Dad, I was the one who got us out of the cell. I told her how to use the computers. I agreed to all of it." She looked up at him, seeing the incredulity. "Really. Do you think I'd be okay with it any other way?"

"I don't know anymore," Jacob admitted. He ran a hand through the fringe of hair on his head. "That clears up a lot, actually; it's reassuring."

~I had no idea things were so messed up on their end...~

*It is hard to remember what ignorance felt like; had either of us guessed, we would have been more cautious.*

"All the reports said you were adamant about your lack of consent to it," Jacob thought out loud. "But it didn't take that long to change, did it?"

Sam exhaled. This she could answer. "Dad, you have no idea what it's like to have a symbiote, have them in your mind. You can see their motives, their goals. They can't hide—much. Not who their true self is, anyways." She had just finished the statement when Jolinar suddenly felt a little more relaxed, and Sam realized what she had said.

Jacob nodded slowly, digesting it.

"I'm taking from your mood, that you need a little more time before you talk to Selmak?" Sam asked, knowing the answer.

"Unless you want me to insult him," Jacob said. "Not that I want to—I'm just not sure what I might say."

~Uh oh. Would Selmak be comfortable even contemplating being a man?~

*That is only a concern for your father. Selmak has had both male and female hosts in the past—several symbiotes are without preference, though many have one.*

"Dad, just so you're comfortable with the idea before..." Sam said, carefully. "Symbiotes don't have a sense of gender, really, so they have both as hosts. Selmak is in a female host right now."

*Now who's glossing over details?*

~You were right, it is a lot to try to explain at once.~

"Oh," said Jacob. "I don't know what I...it's not that much more different from anything else, is it?"

Sam gave a dry chuckle. "Probably not."

Jacob shook himself a little, as if to let his muscles loose. "I need to calm down; this can't be good for me."

"Do you want something hot to drink?" Sam asked.

"Coffee?" Jacob asked hopefully.

"No, sorry," said Sam. "But their—actually I don't know what it's called—but it doesn't take too much to get used to. Kind of tastes like tea."

*Do you mean the hareshna?*

~Is that it's name? Well, nice to know, in a trivial kind of way.~

Jacob shook his head. "No thanks." There was a pause. "I think I might know what Jolinar meant, that it wouldn't take long to be proven wrong. Every foundation I thought I had—not much use here."

"Mm," Sam said, trying to express her sympathy. The only words she had wouldn't help him. ~Honestly, I feel like saying that Selmak would help him feel like he has feet on the ground again. Even here, though, I'm afraid he might think that sounded suspiciously like betrayal.~

*In this case, you may not be giving him enough credit. But I believe he will find his own way there.*

"You don't need to stay around here," spoke up Jacob after the minute's silence. He smiled awkwardly. "I can tell this isn't easy for you either."

"It's not just you, Dad, really," Sam said, trying to sound assuring. She then felt Jolinar silently pressing for control. ~Now? Really?~

*He has to know what he's facing. Trust me.*

Still unsure, Sam closed her eyes and bowed her head so he wouldn't have to see the glow at least.

"Good morning, Jacob Carter," Jolinar said, her voice surprisingly smooth and calm.

He winced, eyes opening wider for a second. "Jolinar," he answered, clearing his throat and sitting up straighter.

"I cannot help but admire the restraint that you have shown so far," she began, uncrossing Sam's legs and sitting neatly upright.

~Where'd this diplomatic side come from?~

*Oh, hush.*

"And with that admiration, I trust that you will do well on your own here," Jolinar continued, holding his gaze steadily. "Samantha and I have a mission to attend to."

~We do? We need to leave now?~

"Mission," Jacob repeated, the wheels in his head clearly turning as he spoke.

"I am afraid that we will have to leave immediately," Jolinar finished.

"I see," said Jacob. He stood up slowly, and Jolinar responded likewise, still looking him in the eye. "I suppose you expect me to shake your hand in farewell," he said in an unreadable tone.

"The Tok'ra are not used to shaking hands," Jolinar answered with a cool tone and the curl of a slight smile on her mouth.

"Well played, I must admit," answered Jacob, his face relaxing just a little, opening and showing honesty beneath.

"Then we will bid you farewell, although Samantha will see you again before she leaves, I am sure," said Jolinar. She tipped her head slightly, hands resting by her sides.

When she looked up, Jacob's face was cleared of emotion. He tipped his head, just barely, and Sam's emotions spiked for no solid reason. Then Jolinar turned and left.

~Okay, I'm not mad yet, but what did you just promise us to?~

*We admitted that the situation here was going poorly. We also agreed that the mission would take priority over personal issues. So since we have already risked more than I find comfortable in taking this long a departure from our post on Quetesh's world, I merely skipped the part with all the talk and made our decision.*

~Leave my dad here? He's only going to last a few more days...~

*And we shall return by then. Any emergency, and Larys could contact us. It would be risky, but I would counsel him to do it.*

Sam thought she should have felt more, but she didn't. Jolinar had cut to the chase, and it wasn't an objectionable plan. It was already causing guilt that Sam was getting antsy around her dad, and so she was going to take whatever excuse offered her to get back in the field, back to where she could take on her other role that would be more comfortable for now. And hopefully when she returned, this situation would be smoothed out and make her role as daughter so much simpler. She didn't dare acknowledge the fact that her father might not choose life in the final decision.

ooooooo

By the time Jack came in for work, Daniel was ready for him. And as it turned out, Jack had done his own kind of preparation. They passed each other in the hall at about 0900. Jack hadn't changed into BDUs, but he had a file in his hand.

"Going somewhere?" Daniel asked, deciding to take Jack's tactic and brush over everything other than the present.

"Hammond talked to me this morning," said Jack grimly, stopping in place and holding the file like it was about to burst into flames. "He's charged me to contact Mark Carter and explain that both his father and sister are missing-presumed-dead."

Daniel stopped, face falling. "Oh." He swallowed. "It's coming to that?"

"Apparently, it was hard to explain MIA to General Carter in the first place, without explaining where they went missing," said Jack, his voice tight as if he had to force out the words in an even tone. "The son's a civilian, so presumably he won't ask as many questions. And the possibility is that it won't be a lie."

So, Daniel's tactic hadn't worked. "You really think that?"

Jack brought his free hand up to rub at the nape of his neck. "It doesn't matter if she told the truth; it's a dangerous galaxy out there. And they're playing a dangerous game."

Did Jack refer to the Tok'ra, Daniel thought to himself. Or just Sam and Jacob? Was there a difference, now? Even if we believed them, we would have no way of telling them. They'll be avoiding us for safety's sake; what's the chance of a random encounter?

Jack seemed to have thought of that too. "After I'm done with the briefing, Hammond's suggested we take care of Carter's house. The lease is coming up, and with no way of knowing if...well, he thinks we should deal with it."

Daniel nodded, not quite looking at Jack's face. "I'll let Teal'c know." When Jack didn't say anything, he looked up. "The Dixons stopped by today to see Mckay. It looks like he'll be off the team for a while."

"Well, we're not going anywhere for a while," said Jack with an implicit sigh.

It was becoming clear to Daniel that Dixon had been right about Jack, and Daniel couldn't remain mad at him, especially not after the de facto apology of yesterday. They were a messed up pair, Daniel decided, but given their personalities it was a miracle they had made it this far. He realized his eyes had drifted during this thought, and looking back up to Jack, the colonel appeared clueless about what was going on in Daniel's head.

"I'll get to my work, then," Jack said, gripping his file a little tighter.

Daniel nodded and half smiled, and they both continued down the hall.

ooooooo

~You've got to be kidding me,~ Sam said as Jolinar explained their next "official" mission.

*You know them?*

~The Tollan? Yeah...we met. It didn't go so well overall.~

*We did hear about the people they left behind who later rejoined them because of you. They have been our allies for some time, and provided us with several useful technologies.*

~Oh, so they do it for you, but wouldn't share anything with Earth?~

*After being around for many thousands of years without destroying ourselves, I think they considered us a, how would you say it? Safe bet?*

~You do smug well, Jolinar, I have to admit.~

*The only issue will be, breaking away soon but spending enough time to justify a report. There is usually a good amount to discuss, but if we are gone a week they will wish to know why.*

~Actually, I might have a way to do that...~

Jolinar left that remark hanging, and Sam was glad for the vote of confidence. Missions: the very word had Sam's mind slowly turning off the personal, and Jolinar seemed ready to join her in the practical side of their minds. But before that fully happened, Sam had a personal mission of her own.

Larys was able to give her good news, saying that Jacob seemed to have recovered more than expected. At this rate, he would probably not be in true danger for ten days or more, giving him plenty of time to think about his options. It would not be pleasant, but he would be alive.

"I hope for everyone's sakes that he chooses that which will save lives," Larys concluded.

Sam took the bold hint in stride, and couldn't even say that she didn't have the same hope. More than anything, though, she wanted her father to be content; and as much as she had come to love Selmak, mostly through Jolinar, she wouldn't wish for Selmak to have a host that was even slightly unwilling. Selmak wouldn't either, Jolinar assured her.

Jacob was still a little distant and on edge when Sam gave him her goodbyes, explaining the mission and wishing she could tell him that she wouldn't be going anywhere if it wasn't for her duty to the Abydonians. But her actions were only the tip of the iceberg of his overwhelmed state, and so he didn't seem to think much on them. It was a strained farewell, but there was caring underneath it and that was all that mattered.

Jolinar assumed that the last farewell would go so well.

"You are serious; this is not a test?" Lantash's face was incredulous and just slightly appalled all at once.

"Both true," said Jolinar, recognizing her error immediately and preparing to dig in her heels.

"How can I possibly give you a rational response?" he answered, challenging her to explain. "I know that the Council cannot have asked you to leave, so therefore you must have volunteered, but it is completely inexplicable. Jolinar, what has come over you?"

"Of all the many years you have known me—" Jolinar began.

"Of all the years we have known you, you have never given up like this," Lantash interrupted, breaking her off. Jolinar turned her head away in frustration, clenching her teeth for a second. Lantash put out his hands, gripping her shoulders. "Jolinar, are you truly going to run away again?"

"I am not," she answered stonily. "I am doing my duty."

"Your duty is here, with your unfinished business," Lantash objected. "And if not for yourself, then certainly for the sake of Samantha. How can you drag her away at this time?"

"You think that—you suspect that she agreed to this mission grudgingly?" Jolinar answered, astonished. "I do not believe it..."

~Let me speak,~ demanded Sam, feeling Jolinar starting to get pissed off. Jolinar swiftly drew back.

"You think you have such an objective view, don't you?" Sam began, not giving any indication of the control change and relishing how Lantash's hands on her shoulders slipped a little in his surprise. "And just because Jolinar asks for your advice and trusts it, you think you can offer it freely? Or that you can speak for me? Wrong—on both accounts." Sam felt her eyes start to glow with the emotion she and Jolinar were containing.

"I did not mean to—" Lantash started to apologize.

"Don't backtrack now," Sam protested, putting up her hand. "Just listen, for once."

Lantash's mouth opened slightly, and his eyes widened in surprise.

Sam knew it had been an exaggeration, but she felt it was worth it. "All the 'unfinished business' you mentioned here? We aren't at a place where we can properly handle whose personal business is whose, so all of it is smothering us. But you know what? We make a damn good field agent. Even more, we can work together like that. It's not running away, it's strategic retreat, and it's for everyone's good. Get it?"

Lantash had shut his mouth, and was now eyeing her with a gleam in his eye. "As you wish," he said, mouth twisting in a half smirk.

*Excellent, Samantha. Better words than were coming to me.*

"Good," said Sam, trying not to respond to his half smile or her own feeling of satisfaction.

"Let Jolinar know that I will not dare to doubt her—or you—again," said Lantash, a hint of amusement breaking though his seriousness. "Martouf is at this very moment criticizing my lack of logical consideration, though I will say he offered no warning at the time."

Sam couldn't help a smile, even after all the frustration.

*It is good to have a common goal, even if it is the rebuke of a certain slightly arrogant, overprotective symbiote and host,* said Jolinar, agreeing.

"You will return as soon as you are done, though?" Lantash continued with a furrowed brow.

"Of course," said Sam, nodding. "Truly, we are not running away for good. I wouldn't want to—I couldn't bear that. And, though she may not say it, I think Jolinar thinks the same."

Lantash dipped his head, smiling fondly. "Then you should leave immediately, so that you need not worry about the timing of your return."

"But your tradition?" Sam asked.

"It can be foregone," he answered, giving a slight squeeze to her upper arms. "Go, do what you do best. I trust your ability to work through this on your own."

Sam smiled her thanks, and returned the control to Jolinar. "My beloved fools," she said in a tinny whisper, then pulled them into a close embrace.

Emotions were smoothing themselves out, and Jolinar was right; Sam felt a semblance of their old harmony return as their current goals aligned, and she felt all the more natural for it.

—

Author's Notes: As you might have guessed, both Sam and Jolinar are very good at repression. Last chapter's painful revelations were willingly put aside for the sake of what they consider their work, and as they said, they work together much better than they live together. However, as much as they are trying to "get back to normal", the issues from last chapter have certainly not gone away. This is an artificial harmony, even if they don't quite admit it.