Fan Letter Thirty-Six
Yay another reply from my dear hate mailer who loves me anyways!
From: Teh Angel of Nocturne
To: Bakura the spirit thief
Subject: Oh Ra do I LOATHE you… and luv you….
Dear Bakura, the infamous thief AND spell checker,
Yes, I know you are BAKURA, not AKEFIA, but I must inquire, WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT NAME COME FROM? Seriously, that one's tickled my fancy and I really wanna know. AND EVERYONE I ASK IS CLUELESS! But are you, oh Bakura the seemingly wise? How about an answer? (That might be nice).
And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck if my sentences don't make any sense, because frankly, if you and Marik don't have to make any sense, then WHY SHOULD I? Listen, I am a crazy, YGO fanatic, and if I wish to speak sentences that make no actual sense (and that one you specifically pointed out at the end of your reply was a typo, but I'm defending that!) then I will! Kiss my ass, Thief King!
(And if I WANT to refer to star constellations, then I should be able to. STOP MAKING ME FEEL STUPID, YOU HYPOCRITICAL— and no, I didn't not just figure that out… this is just the first time I get to announce it to you through a letter—BAD ASS!)
(And you think I WOULD spell it right the first time, but it seems that typing on the computer at a slightly speedy pace does neglect that tendency).
Tell Yami I'm sorry, if he's still alive… those Anzu bitches are violent, you know? (Actually, you SHOULD know, after what you did to her they've been stalking your scrawny ass for Ra knows how long). But I think he won't be killed anytime soon, since most Yami fans are in love with the Yami- Anzu pairing and are probably using him in make-out scenes with her decaying, fish-riddled carcass.
… Yeah, he probably wants to send me on a one-way trip to the Shadow Realm… shit I'm screwed… but that's if he ever gets back without dying from the torture of a dead Anzu make-out session… Hehehe.
Tell Kaiba I don't give a shit about his penguin army, cause he needed to read that… so now he has someone else to aim his penguin minions at… I'm not to blame, go kill them!
Hey, I did ship Marik to Alaska, like you said (damn $11 bucks to do that), except my sister has become a mutant growth off his side so we had to ship her too (my mom was initially pissed, but when I reminded her that Marik would no longer shave her cats, she quickly agreed that losing my sis was worth ditching Marik). That would have been a GREAT way to end this paragraph, but guess what? Some frickin' Eskimo dipshit sent the box BACK to us after he opened it and saw what was inside (And I don't think even YOU could handle what was going on in THAT box). Bastard, now I'm stuck with those two… and I am NOT paying another $11 green ones to do THAT again.
Oh, and another thing, I actually have to thank you, Bakura, for this wondrous fan mail site… since because of it I have been able to tell my lil sis about all the extra activities that Marik gets involved in. Let me name off a few of them, shall I?
Strip poker, getting rid of Duel Academy brats, and going to Ryou's house WITHOUT my sister's permission.
Right now she is currently beating Marik over the head with a 2 x 4 with TWO rusty nails in it… she took it out of Marik's artillery cabinet… which is a cardboard box… yeah, I don't think Marik will be getting out of THIS one.
And hey, could ya tell him to PLEASE remove the human toenail collection he's been storing in my closet? He says it's yours… I don't believe him, but… yeah, he still has one.
Oh, and, um, I have a horrible confession to make, my dearest shiny-thing-obsessed Bakura. You see, not only am I a writer of long, abstract letters, but also of fanficiton. And I wrote one fanficiton where you, um, sorta….
…Kiss Anzu.
Now, before you end up sending me to the Shadow Realm with a flaming toaster in tow, I have to add that it WAS against your free will in the story (you do loathe the bitch in this story AND real life) and you actually have the hots for an evil Egyptian princess who is a vampire and the demonic sister of Atemu (and she will be trying to corrupt him into darkness… please don't tell my reviewers that or they will MURDER me)... who would be Yami, if the differentiation KILLS you so much… but yes, you do kiss Anzu… for some reason I had to make that known.
Probably the confession of my sins before death… or in other words eternal imprisonment in said Shadow Realm… yea, something along those lines, I suppose….
Yeah, I'll shut up now. Have fun thinking about that for a while… (Ha! I made you kiss a fish-ridden friendship (fuck) zombie! That must BURN, doesn't it?)
From Your Fan Who Makes Your Day With These Stupid Letters,
Teh Angel (The Annoying Hate Mailer Who Luvs You Ta Pieces)
P.S. I actually like Anzu… the one I despise is Tea, her translated version! I swear, they must've added the word friendship (fuck) every four words of her speeches. She actually isn't like that… and if you really have a bone to pick with the friendship (fuck) shit, then bring it up with the creator. It was HIS theme.
P.P.S. I saw that guy who you said dresses up like you again… only this time he was running up and down the street in his birthday suit… not a bad image… and you WONDER where you got all those fan girls from?
P.P.P.S. Marik says you owe him five bucks and thirty-two cents.
P.P.P.P.S. My sis says thanks for the ideas about killing people and about Yami's secret stash of hair gel. Since he is currently unable to defend it, I think she went to go raid it… it would seem that Marik is hiding under her bed and won't come out… I don't blame him, poor fucker.
XxX
Why certainly my dear friend I can give you the original of that HORRIBLE name. Truly it's simply and overused fan name. And for whatever reason it got widespread. Silly human. Trying to change my name. You'd think they didn't like it or something. But what ever suits you silly humans.
And I'm sorry, you seem to take to defense. I really mean you no harm. I just like to be able to READ what is written to me. Sorry if that makes you upset…(Actually I'm not sorry but that at least covers my apology so you can't demand one from me at a later date.)
And yes, I am a bad ass. Thank you for mentioning that. Though dear, to avoid my harsh scrutiny of your correspondence I might suggest that you read it over? And check definitions…you'd be surprised what you actually saying when you type the wrong word! And your welcome, the humiliation is free of charge of course! If it makes you feel better my darling, you're not the only one to receive Bakura harsh critique!
And yes I do indeed understand the typo effect, but let's restate your inability to look it over shall we! Be only being harsh for your benefit my friend.
Suddenly I sympathize with Yami…not enough to make me go save him. Since that would be revealing my hidden location that only Leo knows… Though you are probably right. But you would think AFTER the bitch died that people would be taken off of her demonic 'happy person' spell. Because I know that it can't possibly a natural liking of Anzu, it has to be forced…there's just no other explanation…
Kaiba's currently burning down a helpless city for an unknown and asinine reason, I'll tell him when he gets back.
Hmm…last time Marik walked back…I guess he got lucky this time. You'd like they would mistake him for a dog and hook him up to a sled or something…Hell I know I would have, but I'm cruel that way. And we all know that. Next time you could try tying him up in a black bad and setting him by the road for garbage pick up. Make sure he's tranquilized so that he doesn't move. Because the garbage people don't take live things…
Well it's safe to say Marik has a nice new home. Though you might want to say that Marik has been sending me letters quite frequently, telling me all about his activities and what not. Marik also uses up all of my cell phone minutes by calling me constantly and I've received four skinned rats in the mail courtesy of Marik. And there's probably more that I'm unaware of. Depending on what house I am in, I don't always get the mail that's mine.
The toenail collection is not mine…That's all I have to say. (Marik you are a sick fuck.)
And I nearly lurched when you that you wrote a fan fiction (which you spelled wrong both times you said it but I won't hold it against you) as asinine as this letter…Then I read the Anzu part and suddenly I saw red. Now that could be my intense anger and the sudden need for blood, or that could just have been a vein popping in my eyeballs. Which ever it may have been I'm very disgusted in that thought, and you should be SHOT for even writing it in a non-consensual way! And then go as far as to pair me with Yami's nonexistent ancient vampiric sister? My dear lady, what the FUCK are you smoking? You fanfictioners need help. (And, no that doesn't not exclude Leo. She needs more help than most.)
And actually, I hate both Anzu and her alter ego. Anzu is the friendship (FUCK) bitch that's a whore, and Anzu is the friendship (FUCK) bitch that thinks, breathes, eats and sleeps friendship (FUCK). They're both equally bad. You have no idea, you try being near either and you'd wanna shoot yourself too.
Marik can kiss my albino ass. I do not owe him shit! I did not lose that bet and he's lying! Actually Marik owed me six dollars and thirteen cents!
I almost feel sorry for Marik right now. It must be tough living with you people…
Well my dear friend. I do believe I've wasted both of our times enough. I should expect another letter from you? Oh I'm sure I will at any rate. Until next time.
Signed cordially,
GOD.
XxX
Leo: Big glomp to the person whose been writing these letters to Bakura xD! I love you muchly! You entertain the great master more than you know!