Title: 100 Lifetimes
Chapter Title: Life 34; Our Musical Life
Summary: When Romano finally agrees with one of Spain's corny ideas, they have no idea the journey's that that one decision will take them on, courtesy of a sneaky god.
Chapter Summary: Antonio x Lovino; Their life was like a musical; it had its ups and downs, its musical numbers, and more importantly, they always had each other.
Rating: High T rating. Nothing language-wise, this time.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia in any of its many shapes and forms. I don't even own all of the one-shot ideas for this fic, since some were ideas suggested by my sister. Others are mini ideas that I had for other fics, usually just a scene or idea. These I do own. But Hetalia, no. I also don't own any of the songs that are mentioned in here. Hey, it's a musical life
Warning: Mentions of sex (I will NEVER write a sex scene, so don't worry about that; still, if you don't like reading about this, then you should probably skip this chapter; it won't hurt my feelings), very sappy love scenes (I think I outdid myself with this one), unhealthy relationships, themes, my bad writing skills, etc…
Characters: Antonio, Lovino, Felicia, Kiku, mentions of Lukas, Ari, Ivan, Chun Yan (Fem!China), two people who are Antonio's 'best friends', an OC or two, and two people who could possibly be male!Belgium and Fem!France.
Pairings: Antonio/Lovino, Kiku/Felicia, mentioned past Antonio/mysterious person, Lukas/Ari, Ivan/Chun Yan.
Word Count: 8,624.
Songs Used: Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye
Fight For All The Wrong Reasons by Nickelback
Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson
Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson
Bull's-eye by Aly and AJ
Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
Notes: Happy Birthday America! ^_^ You know, last year I updated a story on Canada's birthday, and now this year it's America's. I wonder who I'll get next year! :D
Also, the song Fight For All The Wrong Reasons isn't actually mentioned in here. However, think of it as Antonio's theme towards Lovino. It may even be Lovino's theme, too. If you don't know the song, I suggest you listen to it; it really brings out what I'm trying to convey with their relationship.
On a third note, this chapter was recommended by Bookworm24601. Also, if anyone has any specific pairings that you want to see, just message me or leave the suggestion in a review. I'm open to any suggestions and any combinations, such as who you would like to top or not (so I can put it on the Pairings list correctly).
Lovino knew that it was kind of cliché, but he always thought that his life with Antonio was like a musical. A very, very messed up musical, but one nonetheless. A lot of people probably thought this about their own relationships, though, but Lovino knew that he was actually correct. All of the significant moments that they had together, from the big to the small, could be described through song. And it wasn't just because they had songs that matched moments of their lives; everyone probably had that. But, just like musicals were full of drama, plot, high points and low points, so was Lovino's life ever since he met the Spaniard of his dreams.
Lovino could remember it now. He was at his high school's annual 'get to know you better' dance, the one where they invited students from other schools around the area to attend. It was something of a joke to those who actually went to Lovino's school. Everyone said that the only reason why the school even bothered inviting people from other schools to come was because they were sick of looking at the same old faces over and over again. Lovino's younger sister, Felicia, had dragged him to the dance because she wanted to be able to meet up with her foreign exchange boyfriend Kiku, who happened to attend one of the other schools. Felicia wasn't allowed to attend unless Lovino went with her, so she forcibly dragged him against his wishes. Lovino didn't really mind that much. Most people ended up staying away from him anyway, so it wasn't like he was ever bothered at one of these things.
He had been standing by one of the fake pillars that they had placed up in the gym to make the place look 'pretty' when he caught his first glimpse of him. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. Of course, Lovino hadn't known his name at the time. All he knew was that he had chocolate brown hair and a gorgeous smile. That was all Lovino was able to see before people shifted and his view was blocked. Normally Lovino would have just left it at that, but for some reason this time he couldn't. Or, more likely, he didn't want to. Maybe someone spiked the punch. It wouldn't be the first time. Whatever the reason, Lovino left the comfort of his wall and set off into the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of the boy with the smile.
Lovino wove his way in and out of different partygoers, making his way deeper and deeper in to the crowd. Soon he would be in the very center of the dance floor. Along the way, Lovino happened to catch his sister dancing with her boyfriend. Lovino stared at them for a moment before continuing on his way. He liked Kiku. He was a really nice guy and a gentleman, to boot. Lovino knew that his sister was in good hands with him. As he walked through the crowd he also saw a few other people he knew, like that one Norwegian junior who was talking to the Icelandic boy from another school, or that Russian senior who seemed to be getting pretty close with that Chinese exchange student. Chun Yan, he thought her name was. Lovino snorted. Those two psychos would be perfect for each other. Lovino shook his head. He didn't have time to pay attention to other people's love lives. He had to find that guy with the smile.
When Lovino was underneath the cheap disco ball in the center of the gym, he stopped and looked around. There were people pressed in on him from all sides, but he couldn't see any sign of the guy with the smile. Lovino wilted. Maybe he had just made him up. He was about to head back towards the wall when he looked up and there was the guy with the smile. Lovino blinked in surprise as the guy with the smile smiled right at him. Was it girly to admit that Lovino melted on the inside with that smile? Probably, but he didn't care. Lovino returned the teen's smile with a hesitant grin of his own.
Hey, I just met you
"Hi, my name's Antonio. What's yours?"
"Lovino."
"Cool. Want to dance?"
"Sure."
And this is crazy
Lovino didn't really remember all of what happened next. One minute they were out on the floor dancing, the next Antonio was taking him over to meet his friends, and then Lovino knew that they were outside. Things were going so fast, but he couldn't bring himself to care. From what he saw, he liked Antonio. And Antonio liked him. He could tell by the small grins that were directed his way as well as the way that Antonio talked to him. This was the first time that Lovino met Antonio. He had a feeling that it wouldn't be the last.
But here's my number;
So call me maybe?
Lovino had been dating Antonio for a few months now. Things were still going good, and Lovino was starting to get scared. Were things going too fast? Things were definitely going way too well. Something had to give soon. Lovino was a pessimist, and rather high maintenance. There was no way that Antonio would want to stay with him. Lovino had tried to be on his best behavior. He had only snapped at Antonio once, and he had managed to play it off as him being in a bad mood.
But Lovino was always in a bad mood. He was usually angry and annoyed, so it wasn't anything special for Lovino to suddenly lash out at others. In fact, it was one of the first things that people talked about when they described him. Lovino didn't want to show Antonio that side of him. He wanted Antonio to like him, not be scared away. Lovino just knew that he would hate him if he ever showed the Spanish teen his true, angry side. That was something he never wanted to happen. He liked Antonio. So, if it meant pretending and hiding that side of him then that's what he would do. He couldn't bear to think of what would happen otherwise.
Right now, Lovino was waiting for Antonio over at the coffee shop. Antonio was fifteen minutes late and Lovino was trying to keep his cool. He hated it when the other was late, and it seemed like Antonio was almost always late. Lovino was very close to just finally coming out and yelling at Antonio about it. Lovino's anger simmered for a moment before dissolving. He still had insecurities. Somehow, Antonio had managed to make it past all of his defenses until there was nothing left.
You hit the bullseye, baby
There was just something about Antonio that drew Lovino to him. He was happy and nice, whereas Lovino was always surly and hateful. The only person that he had actually been somewhat nice to before Antonio came around was Felicia and she didn't count. She was his sister; he was obligated to be nice to her. Antonio made Lovino feel safe in a way that no one else ever had before. He was special. Special in a way that no one else was. Even if they had only known each other for a little over three months, already Lovino was feeling himself falling even more and more in love with Antonio.
Now I'm into you crazy
While Lovino was thinking over his relationship, Antonio had appeared from seemingly nowhere. It took him a moment before he noticed that the other teen was even there, standing in front of him as he stared at Lovino. Lovino flushed. Of course Antonio had to appear right when he was thinking these embarrassing things. When Antonio saw that he had the other's attention, he smiled and opened up his mouth to say something. Lovino didn't get a chance to find out what it might have been. Both the embarrassment of having been snuck up upon by Antonio as well as his suppressed negative feelings finally boiled over. Before he knew what was going on, Lovino was lashing out and yelling at Antonio for being late, for always being late. He didn't know what he said, exactly. He knew that he called Antonio several unkind names, but what exactly did he say? Yeah, it was bad, but how bad? It was almost as if Lovino had been transported to somewhere outside of his physical body, like he was watching himself yell at Antonio but without the sound. And as for Antonio, he just stood there with a surprised, slightly confused look on his face.
Lovino stopped just as abruptly as he had started. He blinked in surprise…and shame. He took one look at Antonio before he ran out of the coffee shop without looking back. As he ran down the street the only thing he could think about was that look on Antonio's face. Hurt. Antonio had been hurt by Lovino's words. He didn't deserve that. There was really no reason to yell at Antonio like that. So he had been a few minutes late; most people usually were. Felicia could usually be counted on to be half an hour late, so Lovino should have been used to this by now. But all of his frustration from the past three months had just been building up and piling on top of itself over and over again until finally he had snapped. Lovino was surprised that he had lasted this long without snapping at Antonio much sooner. It just went to show that he really did like him, after all.
Lovino slowed down to a trot and then a slow walk. He absentmindedly wiped the tears away from his eyes. He liked Antonio. No, more than that, he loved him. He loved Antonio. He could see that very clearly. He had known this for a while now. And now… Now, he had messed things up. Like how he always did. Lovino sniffed. Antonio would probably never want to talk to him ever again. Why couldn't he just hold in his temper better? Better yet, why was Lovino always such an angry person? Because he had a temper, people stayed away from him. And for a while, Lovino was okay with that. He told himself that he didn't need other people. He was fine on his own, and at any rate Felicia would always like him. He didn't think about how pathetic it was to only have his sister as a friend. If he didn't think about it, then it didn't seem like a problem.
"-vino! Lovino, wait!"
Lovino froze. He had to be hearing things. There was no way that Antonio would want to talk to him again…unless it was to chew him out over how Lovino treated him. Cringing at the thought, he turned around slowly and looked warily at Antonio as he came over. Antonio had a slight frown on his face as he approached. Lovino felt a sudden pit in his stomach. He was the one who caused the boy with the smile to frown. It just wasn't right, wasn't natural. Lovino hated himself in that moment. He looked away, not wanting to see such an unnatural expression on Antonio's face.
"Are you okay? You suddenly left back there. Are you feeling alright?" Lovino didn't answer. How could he? He flinched when Antonio laid a hand on his shoulder. Antonio's brows furrowed. "Lovino?"
"No, I'm not okay," Lovino said in a thick voice. He looked up to Antonio's face and saw the other gazing at him in concern. "How can you even want to look at me after…after what I just did?" Lovino swallowed, feeling his words and emotion getting stuck in his throat.
"What you did?" Antonio echoed, looking confused for a moment. A sudden look of clarity came over him. "What, you mean when you yelled at me? I don't care about that." Lovino gaped at him.
"B-but I yelled at you! And I said some really mean things. I think I even cursed you out, too. And all because you were late! Normal people don't do that, you know." To his surprise, Antonio started laughing. Lovino stared at him like he was crazy, which only made Antonio laugh even more. At least his smile was back.
"No, but you do, Lovi," he said in between giggles. Freaking giggles! Finally he seemed to calm down enough to give Lovino a soft, warm smile that melted him on the inside, just like the first time they met. "If I was really worried about your temper, I wouldn't have bothered, you know. You don't have to hide that part of yourself, Lovi. I don't want you to ever feel like you can't be yourself around me."
Lovino, despite himself, felt his cheeks start to flush again.
Don't know how you got me started
"Besides," Antonio continued on obliviously, his grin growing, "I already knew about your temper. I was asking around about you after that dance three months ago, and everyone I asked told me about it. I don't care, though. It just means you have more personality than most." Antonio grinned. Lovino stared, taken aback. This grin was different from the others that he had been given before. Those had all seemed innocent and happy. This one, though, had undertones of something not-so-innocent and sharper. He gulped, feeling his whole body go warm.
(You hit the bull's-eye) You hit my heart
It was when they had been together for three years that Lovino started panicking again. Before, he could pick up a reason why he had freaked out about his relationship. It had been the first one that Lovino had ever really had, so he was afraid of screwing it up. Well, Antonio proved that that wasn't possible. Ever since, Lovino had managed to relax around his boyfriend, improving their relationship even more. By now, there really was no reason to get nervous about his relationship with Antonio. There really wasn't. That didn't stop Lovino, however.
Lovino had been in his shared apartment with Antonio when it had happened. Antonio was out somewhere with those two friends of his, probably drinking at a bar. Lovino himself was sitting on the couch going over his homework for college when the first wave of panic literally came out of nowhere. All of a sudden, an ice-cold shard of doubt fell into the pit of his stomach. What was he doing? Was he really living with his boyfriend? Had he really moved in with Antonio? Did he know what that meant? Was Lovino really ready to make that kind of decision? Moving in with your significant other was a huge step in a relationship. Were Lovino and Antonio really ready for this?
Lovino swore. What happened to the old him? The one that wasn't so needy, the one who was perfectly fine on his own. Lovino didn't like this. He didn't like having to have his whole life revolving around someone else. It was his life, and he wanted to live it the way he wanted to. Why did someone else have to come along and…and make him feel so insecure?
What happened to Miss Independent
No longer need to be defensive
Lovino sighed heavily, slamming his notebook shut. He was over thinking things. That had to be it. Things were going perfectly for them. Yeah, they had their fights where mostly Lovino yelled at Antonio but he never meant anything by it. It was just a way to blow off steam. Antonio, freaky guy that he is, was actually okay with that. Sometimes it looked like they were going to break up, but then Lovino would start yelling and blowing off steam and then everything ended up fine. The two of them found out that Lovino had a bad habit of bottling everything up, all the negative emotions and everything that seemed wrong in his life. If Lovino ranting and raving at Antonio made things better, then they both could accept it.
For some reason, Antonio always insisted on having make-up sex afterwards. Lovino had a feeling that this was the real reason why Antonio always seemed so carefree whenever he started getting angry.
Smirking tiredly, Lovino glanced at the clock. He wondered when Antonio would be getting back. He frowned as he thought this. Like he had thought before, he really didn't like being so dependent on Antonio. However, he did have to admit that he was happier than ever with the man. He pride felt wounded that he had to admit that he needed Antonio in his life. But then, if Lovino thought about the alternative he realized that maybe it wasn't so bad after all. Whenever he thought about life without Antonio, he felt so empty inside. Hollow. Cold.
He was having slight doubts. That was all. Lovino had a big test coming up soon, and Antonio always seemed to be spending his spare time with his two friends. Now that he thought about it, it had been a while since he talked with Felicia. He wondered how she, Kiku and the baby were doing. Since it had been a while since Lovino talked with his sister, he was just feeling a little lonely. His panic attack came at an inconvenient time, but it wasn't as unexpected as he had first thought. He knew that he was ready to spend the rest of his life with Antonio. Now, Lovino just felt silly for even panicking in the first place. If he thought about it, maybe these were just the usual fears that someone was supposed to get whenever they first moved in with their lover. Lovino hadn't felt anything like this when they decided to rent an apartment together, so, like his usual negative emotions, his fears had just been bottled up deep inside and were only just now coming out.
Actually, Lovino felt strangely proud of himself. He had managed to make himself feel better all by himself. In the past, he had had to use Antonio to help him get rid of his fears and insecurities. This usually meant yelling and cursing Antonio out for the littlest things. Once or twice, to Lovino's horror, he had even hit Antonio when he had been in a rage. As soon as that happened, he had been quick to stammer out apologies while trying to get as far away from Antonio as he could. He never wanted to actually hurt Antonio, especially physically. That was what abusers did, and Lovino was already starting to look like one to those who didn't know the couple. Antonio, however, had just grabbed Lovino's hand and pulled him into a tight hug, not letting go until Lovino stopped struggling. Then, he would make Lovino kiss him to 'make the pain go away', something Lovino did with rolled eyes and a worried frown. Antonio quickly made him see that he was quite fine, and that he wasn't hurt at all.
Lovino looked up when he heard the apartment door open. Antonio staggered in with a dopy grin on his face, clearly drunk. Lovino rolled his eyes good naturedly. He stood up from the couch and stretched before walking over to the door and closing it behind Antonio. The Spanish teen—practically a man now—never seemed to be able to remember to close the darn thing. Antonio himself was leaning against a wall, watching Lovino with cloudy eyes that made him shiver deliciously.
"Did you have a good time?" Lovino asked dryly, escorting Antonio over to the couch before his boyfriend could fall onto the floor. Lovino was rather fond of Antonio's face; he'd hate to see something bad happen to it. When they were seated on the couch Antonio practically jumped on Lovino as he wrapped him up in his arms. Antonio snuggled his head into Lovino's chest, making odd noises every now and then. Yep. Definitely drunk.
But, he was Lovino's drunk, he thought fondly as he combed his fingers through Antonio's hair.
Goodbye, old you
When love is true
Lovino felt cold on the inside. And numb. Like his insides had frozen over. He methodically placed his clothes in his suitcase, not looking over at the doorway. He refused to look at the doorway. He had things to do, like figure out how he was going to take all of his things in one trip. Lovino never wanted to step foot inside of this horrible apartment ever again.
He and Antonio had had a fight. Surprise, surprise. He should have been used to this by now. Yet, somehow this one had been completely unexpected. Lovino wasn't sure what had first started it. It may have been that phone call. Yeah, that seemed like a good place to start.
Antonio had received a late-night phone call from someone Lovino hadn't recognized. This puzzled him at first because Lovino could have sworn that he knew all of his boyfriend's friends and acquaintances. Considering when they first started dating about ten years ago and how Antonio had literally, bodily dragged Lovino with him around to meet each person in his life so he could introduce Lovino to them as his boyfriend, Lovino was sure he knew them all. And yet, Lovino didn't recognize the voice on the phone. He could have easily brushed this off, since Antonio could have just met the person recently, but then the voice on the other line giggled.
"Oh, he'll know me. We go way back."
Lovino tried to convince himself that he was wrong. A week had passed since then, and Lovino was running out of arguments—especially since the voice finally came around to the apartment and introduced himself as an old boyfriend of Antonio's. Even then, Lovino hadn't felt that threatened. Anyone who was around Antonio and Lovino knew that they were crazy in love with each other. Lovino had no logical reason to doubt Antonio's loyalty…
…except for when the old doubts and insecurities started to rise up again. Lovino knew all the arguments. He knew the logic. He knew that there shouldn't have been any reason to doubt Antonio. But he did. And he had, before. When they were seniors in high school, there had been this girl at Antonio's school who seemed to be all over him. Antonio hadn't even noticed, but Lovino sure as hell did. When the girl had started to get just a little too friendly and started feeling Antonio up, that was when Lovino had drawn the line. Looking back on it, Lovino felt that he was being a little over dramatic. He had demanded that either Antonio tell the girl off and tell her, explicitly, that he was in a relationship with a man so she should just back off or Lovino would break up with him. Antonio had protested, saying that the girl didn't mean any harm so Antonio should be that harsh to her, but Lovino was firm. Either she goes or Lovino did. Antonio supposedly told the girl all about how he had a super sexy boyfriend who he hoped to grow old with, marry and have adopted children with and the girl was never heard from again.
Of course, it could have been because Felicia found out about her so she went over and had a 'chat' with her, but Lovino preferred to think that it was his boyfriend who made her leave. He didn't want to think that his sister would be capable of such a thing, especially since it would mean that Antonio hadn't tried his hardest to get rid of her.
But now, though, Lovino was through. The last straw had been when he came home late from work and found Antonio and his ex sitting very cozily on the couch, watching television. Lovino had seen red but he still had mind enough to close the door silently behind him as he left. He thought he caught Antonio's eye when the door closed but he didn't stay to find out. Lovino ran off through the building and caught the first cab that he could to his sister's house. Felicia had her own life with Kiku and their seven year old, but she still had time for when Lovino needed her. Antonio had tried to call and text him to explain, but each word just seemed like an admission of guilt to Lovino.
It had taken a few days, but Lovino finally steeled himself up enough to return to the apartment to collect his things. Antonio stood in the doorway, staring at Lovino as he packed up. Lovino didn't turn around. He didn't want to know what the other was thinking. It was just too easy to find out now. They had known each other for so long, all it took was a glance to be able to tell what the other was thinking. That was partly why Lovino had his back to the doorway. He didn't want Antonio to see how hurt he was.
Ten years. Ten long years they had been together. A good portion of marriages don't make it that long nowadays, and Lovino had thought that they would be different. That they would have a chance. Of course, he didn't want to think of marriage because that only made him think of Antonio. There had been a time when he had thought that marriage might have been an option sometime in the future. Obviously not anymore. Maybe this whole 'cheating' thing was Antonio's way of telling Lovino that he wanted to break up. Lovino threatened to do so every time he had to vent on Antonio, and a few times whenever Antonio had gotten angry back—as rare as that was—he had said the same thing, but inevitably they would make up and then forget about the words 'I want to break up'. They had said them so many times that the words themselves had lost their meaning. This was probably the only way that Antonio could think of to actually mean it, and show Lovino that he meant it.
Maybe what they had wasn't so healthy after all.
"So, is this it?" Antonio said from the doorway. These were the first words that were said between them since Lovino first came over. The words rang hollow in the air, emphasizing the distance that had grown between them.
Lovino didn't speak at first. He wasn't sure what he should say. He knew a lot of things that he wanted to say, but none of them would have made the situation any better. Instead, he finally settled for a "Yeah, I guess so." He could hear the frown in Antonio's next words, something that still rent at Lovino's gut. Antonio was the Boy with the Smile, as ridiculously juvenile as that sounded. He should never have a frown on his face.
"So you're just—what, going to leave? And never speak to me again or something?"
"Most likely," Lovino said in as even a tone as he could manage. If it wobbled as much as he thought it did, then he didn't do a very good job. He stood up and grabbed as many suitcases in his hands as he could. There were a few boxes left. Lovino would just have to send Felicia or Kiku to pick them up later. He turned to head out of the bedroom and stopped when he realized that Antonio was still blocking the doorway. Lovino stared straight ahead, not once looking at Antonio's face. "Can you please move? I have to be back at Felicia's place soon."
"But you didn't have to cut me off!" Antonio protested as he let Lovino walk past him. Antonio continued following him through the apartment. "Make off like it never happened and that we were nothing." Antonio set his mouth and moved in front of Lovino again, blocking him. He crossed his arms, staring at Lovino as he shifted his feet. "And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough…" Lovino flinched at his words. If anyone should be saying them, it should be Lovino! So why did he feel so guilty all of a sudden? Lovino looked away and tried to walk past Antonio again. The taller man followed along at his heels, not letting Lovino leave without hearing what he had to say first. It sounded like he was on a roll. "You didn't have to stoop so low to have your friends collect your records and a change of number." Antonio hesitated, right as Lovino reached the door. "I guess I don't need that though," he said quietly. "Lovi…now…now you're just somebody that I used to know?" Lovino hated the question in his tone. It sounded like he was asking whether or not they would ever see each other again. Deep in his heart, Lovino wanted to just drop his things, run over to Antonio and kiss him senseless. But, that wouldn't change anything. What had happened had happened, and Lovino wasn't even too sure that Antonio really wanted him back. After all, why had he kept that old ex-boyfriend from Lovino? Sure, he would have been jealous at first but he would have gotten over it. Instead, Antonio had kept him a complete secret. Why had he done that, except to say that he didn't want Lovino to know about him? And why was he spending so much time with the guy recently? There were just too many questions and not enough answers. Lovino knew their relationship wasn't exactly what one would call 'healthy'. Wasn't it better to just go ahead and end things now before they got worse?
"Are you going to answer me?"
Lovino found his resolve. Who said that Antonio got to be the one to have the wounded, hurt puppy tone of voice for this thing? If anything, Lovino should have been the one complaining. Not Antonio. He had made his bed, and now he could sleep in it. Lovino whirled around and faced Antonio with a glare on his face.
"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over," he told Antonio, thinking back to all the times that Antonio had made him purposefully mad. "But you had me believing it was always something that I'd done." Every time that they had gotten into an argument in the past, Lovino always knew that it was his fault. He was the one with the temper. He was the one who jumped to conclusions way too often. He was the one with the inferiority complex that made him think the worst of everything he ever did. Really, what had Antonio ever done to help him with that? Did he maybe take him to therapy to try and get help? Did he ever offer to take over some of the blame? No, he didn't. He would just fuel the rage until finally something in Lovino gave and they ended up in a passionate, angry kiss or two. And, if Antonio could get angry sex out of it, then why the hell not? No, now that Lovino thought about it, a lot of his problems had to do with Antonio. Maybe he really would have been better off without knowing him. "And I don't want to live that way, reading into every word you say. You said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know!" With the last parting shot, Lovino stormed out of the apartment, leaving Antonio standing in the entryway looking dumbstruck.
After two weeks at his sister's house, Lovino was ready to pull his hair out. He loved his sister and her kid, really he did. Even Kiku wasn't that bad; a little quiet, but he supposed someone had to balance out Felicia. But still, there was a limit to how much Lovino could take, and he was fast approaching that limit. Lovino still went to his job so he could at least pay a small rent for staying over, but he knew he had to start searching for a place to live soon.
He also had to stop thinking about Antonio already.
It had been two weeks. Two long weeks. Lovino should have been at least a little over Antonio by now, especially after his revelation that things weren't actually as wonderful as he had originally thought. Yet the more Lovino tried to resist, the more he couldn't stop thinking about Antonio. He wondered how Antonio was doing right now. Was he getting enough to eat? Was he waking up on time? Antonio had a habit of sleeping in unless Lovino woke him.
Did he even miss Lovino?
Considering their last meeting, Lovino was thinking that the answer was a 'no'. And he couldn't even blame him if that was the case. Lovino himself was trying his hardest to not miss Antonio, but he just didn't have the resolve. He missed Antonio. He missed him so much, it was starting to physically hurt him. This couldn't be healthy. Then again, apparently Lovino's whole relationship with Antonio to begin with wasn't in the first place, so why should he expect something different from the break up? Lovino sighed, resting his head on his arms which were lying on the window sill. Luckily for him, Felicia and Kiku kept a separate guest house, so he didn't have to be around the happy family all the time.
The other day at work, which for Lovino was a full-time job at a fancy restaurant and a part time job at a convenience store at night, Lovino could have sworn that he saw Antonio's two stupid friends hanging around. Lovino had ducked and hid, not really wanting to face Antonio's friends. They no-doubt already knew about the break up and were unlikely to hold Lovino in high esteem. After a couple of minutes, Lovino grew frustrated with himself. Was he just going to hide from anyone who ever knew Antonio from now on? That was the coward's way! He had nothing to be ashamed of. It was just as much Antonio's fault as it was Lovino's. With this mindset, Lovino had straightened up and looked over at where he thought he saw Antonio's friends.
There was no one there.
Of course, it could have just been Lovino seeing things. He was starting to think that he was. But the reminder had shaken him up more than he cared to admit. Antonio was still out there. While this was true, of course, it also meant that Antonio could go ahead and start dating someone else. Maybe even his ex-boyfriend…the first one, that is. Lovino choked back a sob as he realized, seemingly for the first time, that he was technically Antonio's ex as well. For some reason, he just hadn't really realized this before. He knew that they had broken up, but the actual meaning of that had evaded him. He was alone. This had also come as a sudden realization to him. Lovino was alone. He didn't have anyone to love anymore, and he didn't have someone who would love him in return. For the first time since the break up, Lovino was seized by panic. He hadn't thought about this since he was a teenager, but he was really alone now. It seemed silly, stupid even, but was he going to be able to spend his life together with someone now? Before Antonio, Lovino hadn't ever worried about such things. Then again, everything was different before Antonio. Now, Lovino had had a taste of what it meant to be in love with someone. It may have been twisted and unhealthy, but it had still been real.
Lovino remembered how he had thought a few years ago about how he wanted to be able to live his life the way he wanted to. He only had one life to live. He was twenty-six years old and he had already messed it up. True, he was still young. He could still have time to finally get over Antonio, find someone else and then spend his life with them. However, there would always, always be a part of him that still remembered Antonio. Remember the way Antonio would hold him, would talk to him, would yell and scream at him, with him, would be there to help him through all of the bad stuff, would…just do anything for him. The way Antonio loved him. The way he smiled at him. Oh, god. The smile.
Lovino would never be able to look at another smile the same way ever again. Antonio had ruined that for him, he thought bitterly. His smile reflected his thoughts as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Antonio would forever be The Boy With The Smile. Not just any smile, which Lovino could find anywhere, but The Smile. It was something that was completely, uniquely Antonio. It was warm and gentle, but still strong enough to let you know that he meant it, and he was going to prove to you that he really was just that happy to see you. It was loving and enveloping, letting Lovino know that there was no one else. Or at least, there hadn't been for a while. And it was this time period, when things were going great, that Lovino tried his hardest to remember. It was here that The Smile would live on in Lovino's heart, never to be tainted by the last month or so of their relationship. Now, whenever Lovino saw another smile on another person, he would forever be looking for a ghost of The Smile.
A sudden noise jolted Lovino out of his reverie. Lovino looked around, wondering what it could have been when he heard the clattering again, from the window. Curious, Lovino looked out and felt his heart stop in his chest as he looked out on the lawn.
It was Antonio, holding a couple of pebbles in his hand that he had been using to get Lovino's attention and with a guitar strapped around his shoulders. Lovino had to rub his eyes a few times to make sure he was really seeing this. It really was Antonio standing out in the yard, looking like he was about to serenade him. Lovino flushed, especially when Antonio smiled That Smile when he saw that Lovino was watching him. Lovino lurched away from the window and ran as hard as he could down the stairs and out the door. He stood on the door step, not daring to go any closer to Antonio. He still had a feeling that he could be having a dream, or be really, really sorely mistaken. Oh please, any merciful being or god out there, watching over them, please let him not be mistaken.
Antonio looked a little taken aback that Lovino didn't come any closer, but he nodded like he had expected as much. Antonio took two steps forward but no more, especially when Lovino froze up. Antonio looked over apologetically and then cleared his throat. To anyone watching, Antonio seemed like a gawky, awkward teenager who wasn't sure how to properly make his intentions known. To Lovino, he seemed perfect; then again, he had always been perfect to Lovino's eyes. He couldn't really make an unbiased opinion whenever it came to Antonio.
"Uh…," Antonio coughed awkwardly, dropping the pebbles in his hand hastily. "I wasn't quite sure how else to do this…so, Lovi, can you bear with me for a moment?" Lovino made some kind of noncommittal noise. He was surprised he could even do that. Not once had he taken his eyes off Antonio, afraid that he would disappear the moment he did. Lovino honestly didn't think he could deal with something like that right now. Antonio took his answer as a yes and nodded to himself, strumming his guitar.
"Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, chasing after you"
Lovino's breath caught in the back of his throat. His eyes started to tear up again. Antonio really was doing what he thought he would be doing. He was trying to apologize in the most romantic way he knew how, just like how Lovino had always wanted.
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"
Tears ran down Lovino's cheeks unbidden. He hurried to wipe them away so he could see Antonio better. There was no way he was going to let something as stupid and inconsequential as tears obstruct his view of the Spaniard singing so beautifully in front of him. He wanted to watch for as long as he could. Antonio looked up from where he had been watching his hands and making sure that they found the right chords. When he did, he met Lovino's gaze with a softer, but still just as wanted, version of The Smile. Lovino's heart felt like it had wings at that moment.
"Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
"I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you"
Lovino thought that he knew what Antonio was trying to tell him. Yeah, they had had their ups and downs, but Antonio wanted to keep doing what they were doing before. It was a good thing, and why mess with a good thing? They don't know what will happen in the future, but hey; it's the future. You're not supposed to know what will happen next. Antonio was saying that it didn't really matter what came next. He just wanted to be with Lovino whenever it happened. Lovino couldn't help but feel the same way. He didn't care about what had happened anymore. He could admit that they had both overreacted, but was that really reason enough to just leave? From what Lovino could understand, Antonio wasn't going anywhere. It was all up to Lovino to decide what to do next. Did they want to just call it quits? Or did they want to try and work things out? Lovino knew what it was he wanted to do.
"There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else, there is nothing else"
Antonio stopped strumming his guitar and stared Lovino straight in the eye. "There is nothing else, Lovi," he said softly, just loud enough for Lovino to hear. Lovino sobbed out right at Antonio's confession. It was all that he ever really wanted. He knew that he was selfish and possessive, as well as clingy and jealous. He knew this, but for a long time there was nothing he could really do about it. And now Antonio, dear, sweet Antonio, was saying the words that Lovino had longed for. The next thing Lovino knew, Antonio's arms were wrapped tightly around him, murmuring apologies for making him cry as well as assurances that everything would be better. Lovino clung to Antonio like a lifeline, one that was keeping him steady in his tidal wave of emotion.
After a moment, when Lovino had stopped crying and Antonio had stopped talking and the couple was wrapped in comfortable silence, Antonio leant down and whispered in Lovino's ear. "What do you say, Lovino? Can we try…us again?" Lovino couldn't rush to say yes quickly enough.
Antonio and Lovino agreed to continue dating, and Lovino soon moved back in with Antonio into their apartment. Felicia and Kiku didn't say anything, but Lovino suspected that they were happy to have their house, and guest house, back to themselves. Especially Kiku. Their daughter was turning out to be exactly like her mother, personality wise. Kiku really wanted the guest house back so that he could work on his projects in peace without getting interrupted…unless it was by his wife.
Lovino and Antonio didn't say anything to each other, but it was generally agreed that they would never mention Antonio's ex ever again. Said ex hasn't been seen in quite a while, so Lovino assumed that he moved on. He didn't bother asking, though, in case it wasn't true. It would just raise other problems that they didn't need.
Lovino sat Antonio down one evening to talk about their relationship, specifically the unhealthy parts of it. After a very, very long discussion, Antonio reluctantly agreed to try out couple's therapy. After a month, it was clear that the therapist didn't know what he was talking about, so they went back to how things were originally. They figured, hey, if it works for us then it works; we don't need anyone else to tell us how to live our lives.
A few months after getting back together, Lovino finally brought up the courage to ask Antonio to marry him, to Antonio's surprise. Apparently he had been planning on asking Lovino the same thing, but Lovino got around to it first. He took this as a sign of victory.
They were married in a small ceremony, with only Felicia, Kiku, their daughter and Antonio's two best friends in attendance. Lovino and Antonio figured if they wanted a bigger celebration, then they would just have to renew their vows and invite more people.
They of course had their fair share of problems, much more so than the average couple, but somehow they made it work.
End of Chapter Thirty-Five; Up Next!—I am a Pirate, You are a Gypsy…Wait, That's Not How The Song Goes…