Barely Alive - TWD - Daryl Dixon

by masterpieceMCFLY

The horrors continue in Cecilia's life and now they just don't have to worry about the walkers but people too. Great challenges and tragedies will test her like never before, will she be able to keep fighting or will it be too much for her? Sequel of: Barely Surviving, I recommend to go read that part before this one.

35. Chapter 35 - Falling Apart

"Before I knew you, I thought brave was not being afraid.

You've taught me that bravery is being terrified and doing it anyway."

- Laurell K. Hamilton, Blood Noir

Daryl's POV

Sasha woke me up about two hours ago to keep watch, it had been a while since my turn ended and I just had kept tossing on the ground, trying to fall asleep but I hadn't been able to.

I never thought I would actually be heartbroken in my life, I was Daryl Dixon for fuck's sake, but here I was, with a broken heart. It killed me to know how things were now between Cecilia and I, especially because of the Beth thing, and even when I didn't do anything, I felt extremely guilty because that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

But the thing that made me this mess was the news Cecilia said to me one night ago. I had tried to tell myself that Cecilia was right, things happened the way they should had happened. I think of the walkers and all the things we had gone through, like losing the farm, the prison, the Governor, those crazy people from Terminus and honestly having a baby is just insane but then I see Judith it makes me believe it could have been possible, we could have make it work, but it's not like it matters anymore, there's nothing we can do now.

When she told Gareth to spare her life because she was pregnant, I didn't know what to think and at the moment I had other things to worry about but once we escaped I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was scared, I won't deny that, hell, I was terrified, but surprisingly I actually felt excitement about it. I remembered when Judith was born and I took her in my arms and fed her for the very first time and I imagined that but doing it with my own kid but then I remembered seeing Sophia walking out of the barn and I got scared all over again, how could I overcome something like that, losing a young kid to walkers?

I worried about other stuff too. I knew I would never hit my own child or abuse them but there are other ways to be a bad parent. Carol never laid a finger on Cecilia and she was a bad mother until recently. Before, some kids were neglected because their parents were drug addicts or alcoholics or some barely even spent time with their kids because they were too busy working or some were just too young or even too old and didn't know how to do a good job. There are a million ways to suck as a parent and only a few to be a good one and I wasn't sure if I had what it takes.

But that first night after we escaped from Terminus, those thoughts and worries were interrupted by another thought, or actually a scene, sort of. The kind of vision I got when I was with Beth just popped into my mind. That make-up scene was a really happy one, with Hershel and the others back at the prison, plus two additions. Glenn's son and my baby girl. I almost cried as I relived that in my mind. Probably when I saw that the first time when Beth told me she thought Glenn and I would have kids, when my head just created it, just maybe, Cecilia was still pregnant or was losing it exactly on that moment.

When she told me she just lied to Gareth I admit I was really relieved but a bit disappointed, mostly relieved, though. But when she told me the whole truth, that changed everything. It really crushed me. I only believed I was going to have a baby for a bit more than a day but that didn't really make it hurt any less, especially when we had barely talked to each other. Even before telling her about Beth we hadn't been on the best of terms and I worry that she's shutting me and everyone else out. She might tell me she's okay and that this was for the best but I know her too well and I know she's hurting too. Or she's still in denial and the pain will come later, either way, she worries me.

I want to go to her and hold her in my arms like I used to, I want to tell her everything is going to be alright but I get she needs her space. If I try to do all that she just will keep pushing me farther and farther away, and not just me but everyone else. I've noticed she had been making small talk with some of us but still keeps her distance, instead of always being with her mother because they were apart for months or sticking with Carl, Rick or Michonne, she has been with that new girl, Tara. She's avoiding confrontations, questions, just anything she can avoid but she also feels lonely, she needs someone, so she gets Tara to keep her company.

"Can't sleep?" I heard a female voice muttering in a low tone very close to me as I played with the pictures of the two of us I got from the prison, I didn't even realize I was doing that. I turned around and saw Carol, standing only a few steps from me.

"No," I mumbled as I sat up and looked up at her. "And you?"

"Abraham woke me up about thirty minutes ago for my watch," she told me. "I thought you would just fall asleep but when I realized you weren't, I thought we could keep each other company, if you want."

I only nodded at her, not knowing what to say. I knew I wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon and maybe Carol could distract me from my endless thoughts, I didn't want to think about Cecilia, or Beth or the now gone baby, I just wanted some peace.

"You okay?" Carol asked me as she sat down right where she was standing. "You seem conflicted."

"I am conflicted," I admitted. "Nothing important, though."

"It must be to keep you up at night." I sighed.

"Has Cecilia said anything to you since Terminus, anything at all?"

I guess being with your fiancée's mother doesn't really help you to forget about your problems concerning your fiancée, especially when the two of them had the same eyes and the same look on them.

"No. I tried to talk to her today, I know something is bothering her but you know how she is. She bottles up so many things inside, just destroying herself until she can't take it anymore and gets out everything all at once but by then the damage is already done and then she does it again and again. She has always been like this, even as a little girl," she told me with a sad smile. "I think that she thinks telling people will make her seem weak."
"That," I said nodding, knowing exactly how she felt because I felt it too. "She also doesn't want anyone's pity."

"Daryl," she said softly. "Is there something I have to know?"

I looked at the older woman right into her icy blue eyes, I opened my mouth ready to spill everything but I hesitated, so I closed it soon, not knowing how to start and I chickened out. I started to feel vulnerable even if we weren't going to talk about me, but about Cecilia.

I really wanted to tell her absolutely everything, because as she said, I also needed to get things out of my chest. I felt the urge to just tell somebody about the things that were happening but I had never been good at it, I never told anyone my problems, pretty much like Cecilia.

"No," I finally said. "If there's something she wants to tell you, she will at her own time."

"I don't mean to intrude," she said as she turned to look at the ground. "But is everything okay between the two of you? The other night she also spent it with Tara. I don't enjoy watching you two hold hands and especially kiss but it's weird seeing you like this... so cold, so distant, so miserable."

"We've been better but we are okay," I said, trying to convince myself that we were in fact okay and everything was going to improve from now on. "The separation and everything that has happened has been hard for us, especially for her."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked me, completely shocking me. Only months ago she would have celebrated we were like this, hoping for us to be over for good. Telling Cecilia how I was never good for her and this was just a silly whim.

"Thanks but no, this is something the two of us have to fix," I told her.

Carol nodded at me but she offered her help once again. She has truly changed, she accepted us only because she wanted her relationship with Cecilia to improve, she wanted to make emends but I never imagined that with time she would just not be okay, or pretend to be, because of that but also completely accept it and being truly happy for us, just for the simple fact we were happy being together.

"I proposed to her," I blurted out before I could stop myself.

A part of me expected her smile to vanish and Carol to grab her knife and stab me repeatedly, and all she just said was just bullshit but her smile even got bigger, and it was a real smile, making me smile too.

"I'm surprised she didn't tell me," she told me as her smile slightly shrank but she still looked happy. "Either way, I'm happy for the two of you, congratulations!"

"Thank you," I said with a smile.

"When did it happen?"

"About a month and a half after the virus outbreak, I wasn't sure if it was the right time to do it. I had been wanting to do it for weeks and always hesitated, hoping to find a nice time to do it but then I thought, there is always something happening so I'm waiting for something that just won't come, so I just decided to do it."

"I'm really happy, seriously!"

"I know this was hard for you, accepting us but I assure you Carol that I love your daughter with all my heart and I would never hurt her."

"I know that now," she told me. "It was just... weird, I guess. I always knew you were a nice man... I just... I don't know, I guess I only wanted to protect her from everything, I never could and Ed and Sophia were gone, I only had her."

"I know, I understand. If I had a daughter I wouldn't like her dating a man close to my age. It's cool, Carol."

I smiled at the woman but soon my smile disappeared when I processed what I had just said. If I had a daughter. The pain came back, the pain I had tried hard to get rid of.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"Thank you," she told me suddenly. "For taking care of her while I was gone. I couldn't stop thinking about her, wondering how she was, what she was doing..."

Our conversation was interrupted by a branch breaking, followed by more noise, someone rubbing against twigs and leaves. I grabbed my crossbow and stood up immediately, looking around, Carol did the same soon after me. I took some steps forward as I tried to see something but I didn't see anything and heard nothing else.

"It's nothing," I told Carol after some seconds of just silence. It could be anything, any animal, even a lizard or a rat even when my guts were telling me that if it was a rat, it wasn't the furry type with whiskers.

Still looking at the direction where I believed the noise came from, I walked backwards and sat down again. Carol didn't though. I heard her sigh but she was just as uneasy as me about what we just heard.

"I'll go wake Tyreese, I think my turn is over," she told me. "Besides, I need to check on Mika. Night Daryl."

"Hold up," I said quickly, making her stop in her tracks and turn to look down at me. "You were right, Carol."

"About what?" she asked confused.

"You told me on few occasions that Cecilia would just kind of crumble and break and I never believed you, I thought you were just underestimating her and I hated when you told me that. But unfortunately, you were right. I saw the signs and remembered what you said, even the part when you told me to be ready because you might not be around her when it happened. I tried everything to stop her from sinking, it was a daily struggle but we made it, she made it."

"She has just been so strong for so long, enduring everything that is thrown at her that at a point anything, even just the touch of a feather can break her. And I'm afraid this might happen again, so we must be ready. She might not even realize what it's happening until it's too late," she told me and I just nodded. "I knew you would see the signs early, I knew. Believe it or not, you saved her Daryl and I'm so grateful for that."

Carol smiled at me one more time before going to her spot next to Mika. I lied down again, on my back this time instead of my stomach, now I had even more things on my head preventing me from falling asleep, I had everything from my problems with Cecilia plus the worries of the noise we just heard, plus what Carol said about truly being happy for us, which was a very good thing, I knew Cecilia would just be overjoyed when I tell her.

Speaking of her, she had started whining in her sleep, Carol had fallen asleep by now and Tyreese wasn't going to wake her up unless she starts screaming. Not being able to see her like this, I stood up quickly and walked towards her, she was moving her head and her hands and she was muttering words. I put my hands over her shoulders and slightly shook her as I whispered nice things to wake her up but nothing.

"Help me. So much blood. Please." Those were some of the words I could understand, and I assumed she was dreaming with walkers. "I can't. I can't." I shook her a bit more but she wouldn't open her eyes, she just kept saying more things, these were really not in English or to me they seemed to be of a foreign language except the last two words. "I'm sorry."

Then she finally opened her eyes, which were watery. She gasped and looked down at herself, running her hands frantically over her body as she sat down in less than a second after she woke up. I wasn't sure what she was looking for, maybe a bite, or a shot wound but of course there was nothing like that.

"It's okay, it was just a nightmare," I whispered as I tried to calm her down. "I'm here, nothing is going to happen to you, alright?"

Cecilia nodded at me but she still looked frightened, she hugged her knees close to her chest and buried her face in them. I took a deep breath before wrapping my arms around her frail and shaking frame. I kissed the top of her head and that made her calm down a bit.

"There was so much blood," she mumbled. "I was dying."

"It wasn't real," I told her. "You are not going to die."

I laid her down on the ground after she stopped shaking and started to breathe normally. She was getting sleepy again, I tried to leave but she was holding on to my shirt and my vest. I looked at her and she begged me with those eyes of hers to not go, she didn't say a single word but I knew what she wanted, so I lied down completely and wrapped her in my arms. I kissed the top of her head once again as she buried her head in my chest.

"Nothing is going to happen to you," I repeated in a very low tone. "Nothing."

The next morning as soon as I woke up I went to talk to Rick about what I heard last night, that was still going in circles inside my head, even when being so close to Cecilia helped me sleep quickly.

So, after eating something really fast, I went looking for tracks, or anything that could tell me what happened during the night. Rick and I decided we weren't going to tell the others to not alarm them, so whenever I saw a squirrel, I got that squirrel, plus we really needed something to eat.

Rick told me the direction they were heading in case I wasn't back soon, so I just followed their tracks until I caught up with them, once I did I realized they were all pointing their guns at me.

"We surrender," I said jokingly as I raised my hands and in the process the squirrels I got too.

I looked at all of them and they all seemed relieved it was just me as they lowered their weapons, I even caught Cecilia smiling at me, she was the only one who didn't pointed something at me because she had Judith in her arms. It pained me to see her with the young girl but I pushed it aside and immediately joined Rick, who was eager to know what I had to say to him.
"No tracks," I told him. "No nothing."
"So whatever you heard last night..."

"It's more what I felt," I said. "If someone was watching us, there would have been something."
I kept walking while Rick stopped and turned around to look at the rest of us, which we had left behind after I joined them. Rick whistled.

"Keep close," he told them.
"Ready to get some concrete under your feet?" I heard Abraham asking.

"I think it's time," Rick told him.
"That is sweet music to my ears, Officer," Abraham said. "Take the next road we come to, try to get back to going north till we find a vehicle. Good?"

"Good."
As we walked I glanced back and saw Carol had an arm around Mika's shoulders and both had smiles on their faces, Mika was telling her a story. I also saw Cecilia on the back of the group, close to Tara. She was speaking to the brunette girl but she was also talking to Judith, who was giggling. I looked away quickly, feeling a pang on my heart. Yesterday it killed me to see her with Judith and today it didn't get any better, if any, it got worse.

I was lost in my thoughts when I heard someone screaming for help, making me snap out of my mind. We all stood in our spots until Carl got Rick to run to the man and help him.

When we got to the place Carl didn't waste a moment to shoot the first walker, while Rick went to stab another one. There was a man on top of a big rock, surrounded by five walkers, trying to reach him. Michonne and Carol got care of the two while I shot an arrow at the last one.

"We're clear. Keep watch!" Rick told the others, with all those screams more walkers could come. "Come on down."

The bald, dark-skinned man looked beyond terrified and once I had a good look at him, I found it extremely ridiculous he was dressed as a priest. If he was one before, that was cool but why dress like that after all this time? Whatever. He jumped down to the ground but he was still pretty shaken up.
"You okay?" Rick asked him.

The man was about to answer when he just puked, I looked away quickly, being disgusted by that. Cecilia made a face as she turned around and looked at some random tree instead.

"Sorry," the man said after he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Yes, thank you. I'm Gabriel."
"Do you have any weapons on you?" The man chuckled at Rick's question.

"Do I look like I would have any weapons?"

"We don't give two short and curlies what it looks like," Abraham said.
"I have no weapons of any kind," he told us. "The word of God is the only protection I need."
"Sure didn't look like it," I said, not being able to stop myself.
"I called for help," he said, looking at me first, but then looking at everyone else. "Help came. Do you have – have any food? Whatever I – I had left, it just hit the ground."
"We've got some pecans," Carl said quickly, offering him a few of those.
"Thank you."
I heard Judith making some noise then, making Gabriel look at the little girl. I turned to look at her as well, but my eyes landed on Cecilia, not on the baby. We hadn't talked today, not because we didn't want to but because we hadn't had the chance, maybe after last night we were starting to fix things, hopefully.

"That's a beautiful child," Gabriel commented as he looked from Judith to Cecilia. Cecilia only awkwardly smiled at him and slightly nodded. "Do you have a camp?"

"No," Rick said quickly. "Do you?"

"I have a church." I almost scoffed at him.
"Hold your hands above your head," Rick told him. The man looked scared once again as he slowly raised his hands, Rick started to search him. "How many walkers have you killed?"

"Not any, actually."
"Turn around. How many people have you killed?"

"None."
"Why?"

"Because the Lord abhors violence."
"What have you done?" Rick asked him, knowing the man was hiding something. "We've all done something."
"I'm a sinner," he muttered. "I sin almost every day but those sins, I confess them to God, not strangers."
"You said you had a church?" Michonne asked him, speaking for the first time. Gabriel nodded.

Gabriel actually offered to take us to his church, we agreed but we were going to take precautions even from him. After everything that had happened to us, we couldn't trust anyone, especially a man that claims that God protects him. He couldn't have survived all these months without killing a single walker, without carrying any kind of gun, not even a stick.

This time as we walked, I made sure to stay next to Cecilia. We kept going in silence but she glanced up at me and smiled.

"About last night," she whispered, I barely heard her. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me for that," I told her as I allowed myself to put an arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head like I did last night. "What was it about?"

"Nothing, it was just a nightmare," she said quickly as she lowered her gaze to Judith. "I barely remember now."

"Okay." I knew she was lying but I wasn't going to push it when she obviously didn't want to talk about it. "Give me your bag, it looks heavy," I told her as I noticed she was carrying her backpack, the crossbow plus Judith.

"I'm fine," she mumbled.

"Just give it to me, we don't know how far is that church, all that weight is going to tire you up."

"When that happens I'll give Judith to Rick or Carl, or anyone else," she told me. "I can do it."

"Carl told me you were pretty weak before Terminus," I said. "He was concerned about you."

"I'm better now."

Another thing about Cecilia that drove me crazy was her stubbornness, I could be stubborn but she won the prize by much. It frustrated me so much, even more than her trying to seem tough, even when that meant something as silly as carrying a backpack. I hated it when she didn't allow me to help her, to give her a hand with something.

I knew she grew up wanting help and not getting it, therefore having to rely only on herself, it was like that all her life, just like in my case. But I wish she could realize that was over now and now we had each other, we were together in this, that part of our lives was over. I was willing to let her help me and I wish she could be too, she made me see I needed her months and months ago, now I needed her to see that too.

"Hey, earlier, were you watching us?" Rick asked him as we followed the man, interrupting my thoughts.

"I keep to myself. Nowadays, people are just as dangerous as the dead, don't you think?"

"No, people are worse," I told him.

"Well, I wasn't watching you. I haven't been beyond the stream near my church more than a few times since it all started. That was the furthest I've gone before today. Or maybe I'm lying," he said suddenly, making me glance at him. "Maybe I'm lying about everything and there's no church ahead at all. Maybe I'm leading you into a trap so I can steal all your squirrels."

The man laughed but we didn't. He turned around and looked how serious we all looked, I tightened my grip around Cecilia and glared at Gabriel.
"Members of my flock had often told me that my sense of humour leaves much to be desired," he told us quickly.

"They were right," Cecilia muttered. "I suggest you to not say anything like that again."

Gabriel followed Cecilia's advice said anything else for the rest of the way. As before I kept close to Cecilia, things weren't the same as before but I could tell that after last night we were better.

About minutes later we finally saw the church, I saw a sign that read ST. SARAH'S CHURCH. I quickened my pace to be on the lead with Rick, just in case.
"Hold up," Rick told Gabriel as he was about to open the door. "Can we take a look around first? We just want to hold on to our squirrels."

Gabriel handed the keys to Rick, seeing he had no other choice. When he opened the door, he walked in first, followed closely by Michonne and me, then Carol and Glenn. I told Cecilia to stay behind while we checked the place, she wanted to come inside but I told her to look after Carl and Judith in case thetr were people outside too, she finally agreed.

The church looked like any other at first sight, but we continued further. I went inside one of the rooms on the back of it while the Michonne and Glenn went to the other. There was nothing in here besides religious stuff, nothing worthy right now and luckily no humans either. I heard Rick whistling then, meaning everything was alright, so I took a final glance before walking out of there.

"She isn't mine." I heard Cecilia saying to Gabriel as I reached the front door, she seemed uncomfortable and looked away from Gabriel. I had no idea what the man said to her but it made her feel really awkward.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Gabriel told her quickly. Luckily Rick walked out of the church then, so Gabriel drew his attention to him instead of Cecilia. "I spent months here without stepping out the front door," he said. "If you found someone inside, well, it would have been surprising."
"Thanks for this," Carl told him, for some reason he seemed to like the man.
"We found a short bus out back," Abraham informed Rick. "It don't run, but I bet we could fix that in less than a day or two. Father here says he doesn't want it. Looks like we found ourselves some transport. You understand what's at stake here, right?"

I stood next to Cecilia as Rick started to caress Judith's head, who now was in Carl's arms, while she was gripping her crossbow, ready to shoot in case something happened out here. I put my hand on her shoulder, she was extremely tense. I frowned but said nothing about it.

"Yes, I do."
"Now that we can take a breath –"

"We take a breath, we slow down, shit inevitably goes down," Abraham said, interrupting Michonne.
"We need supplies no matter what we do next," Michonne told him.
"That's right," Rick said, agreeing with her. "Water, food, ammunition."

Abraham didn't look happy but he had to accept we need to eat and drink and is better if we have guns and ammunition. We also need some rest. Besides his problem is not our problem, he looked more upset about having to stay than Eugene himself.

"Short bus ain't going nowhere," I told him as I put a hand on the small of Cecilia's back, slightly pushing her forward as we started walking towards the church once again. Now that we made sure it was safe the others could go in. "Bring you back some baked beans."

"One way or another, we're doing what Rick does." I heard Glenn saying to the ginger man. "We're not splitting up again."
Once inside we sat on different benches. Cecilia sat next to her mum and I sat next to her. Instead of doing nothing like she had done lately, she put her hand on top of mine, and gripped it. I smiled at the gesture and also closed my hand to give it a squeeze.

"How'd you survive here for so long? Where did your supplies come from?" Rick asked.

"Luck. Our annual canned food drive. Things fell apart right after we finished it. It was just me," Gabriel said. "The food lasted a long time and then I started scavenging. I've cleaned out every place nearby, except for one."
"What kept you from it?" Rick asked him.

"It's overrun."
"How many?"

"A dozen or so, maybe more."
"We can handle a dozen," Rick told him.
"Bob and I will go with you," Sasha exclaimed quickly, walking towards Rick. "Tyreese should stay here, help keep Judith safe." Tyreese smiled.
"That'll be okay?"

"Sure," Tyreese said. "You ever need me to watch her, need anything for her, I'm right here."
"I'm grateful for it," Rick told him as he took a few steps towards him. "And everything else."

"I'll draw you a map," Gabriel said quickly.
"You don't need to," Rick told him. "You're coming with us."
"I'm not gonna be of any help. You saw me. I'm no good around those things."
"You're coming with us."

"We'll go around the town, maybe we can find something," Maggie spoke up.

As we talked and decided who was going to do what, it was settled that Rick and Gabriel were going to that store Gabriel mentioned with Sasha, Bob and Michonne. Maggie, Glenn and Tara were going to look inside some stores in town, hoping to find something, Abraham, Rosita and Eugene were going to stay and try to fix the bus,Tyreese was going to stay with Carl, Mika and Judith, while Carol, Cecilia and I were going to look for water.

"Alright, let's go!" I exclaimed as I stood up. I started walking and noticed only Carol was following me. I turned around and noticed Cecilia was still sat on the bench, her hands were resting on her lap, and she was looking at them. "Cecilia?"

I walked back to where she was, she didn't even look up at me. I frowned and knelt in front of her, I grabbed one of her hands and that's when she turned to look at me.

"Didn't you hear me? It's time to go."

"I will go with Glenn," she whispered as she turned to look at her lap again.

"Why?" She just shrugged at me. "Uh... alright."

I stood slowly and awkwardly, not knowing what else to say or do. It really shocked me she didn't want to come with me, only months ago whenever she knew I was going on a run she would immediately get herself in, now she's going with Glenn, Maggie and Tara. I wouldn't have been so confused and even hurt if she had told me she was going to stay with Carl, she has a weak spot for him.

"I'll see you later then."

I glanced at her one more time as I walked towards the door, Carol was already out of here, just waiting. I sighed and decided to handle this later, maybe some time on our own will make us good.