Chapter Thirty seven

[Jade]

I feel terrible, I feel like a train wreck. I know I shouldn't. She is the one that should feel terrible.

I figured I needed to go home, I needed to see how she's doing, I wouldn't want to be the reason she began to drink even more since I had been the only one trying to stop her drinking all together. Tori wanted me to talk to her but when I said that I was going back to her she got a bit stressed. She worried about the fact that I was going to move back with her. Tori proposed to follow me for a visit but then go back to hers, I said no. My mum will still be my mum however this story ends. And since going to my dad isn't an option, since he is too busy with his other family, I need to fix things between me and my mum.

Thousands of thoughts are running through my mind as I drive up our driveway. A tiny voice inside my head says that this is a bad idea, that I will only feel worse after noticing that nothing will have changed. I suppress that intuition.

Well inside I can't taste the so familiar and expected dusty air filled with alcohol, hidden behind perfume. The air I smell is clean, still dusty and old, but somehow purer. I put my bag down in the hallway.

I make my way towards the living room, aka my mums drinking corner where she used to pass out and spend the majority of nights. I become surprised, not about what I see but about what I can't see. The coffee table is empty, except for one empty wine glass. It seems so alone. I can't help but to get my hopes up.

Out of habit I pick up the glass and move towards the kitchen to clean it up.

Feet dragging against the floor, dressed in a pair of slippers makes me turn around. In the doorway my mum stands in a light blue morning-robe, messy hair, red eyes with extremely dark circles underneath. Looking at her I realize how long ago it was I actually looked at her. She has gotten older, just like me. We have spent our lives under the same roof and yet our lives have seemed to travel along different roads, never passing each others.

"You don't have to clean up after me you know... I..." Her sleepy voice dies out. "I'm..." It looks and sounds as though something else is about to leave her mouth but never does. And I'm not here to keep up the conversation, I don't know what to say to her. In reality I'm just waiting for an excuse, a love confession or something drastic that deep inside of me is so desperately awaited and needed.

"Okay here then." I say and leave the sink and the, now almost clean, wine glass with foamed water to its brim.

I stare at her back while she stands bent over the sink. "Have you stopped?" It is extremely hard to keep my voice from cracking...

She knows what I'm talking about. My question is met by silence, then a deep sigh and a low "I'm trying... I'm really trying." She supports herself with her hands against the counter and her head droops.

The answer is not the best I could have hoped for, but still better than I expected. Even thought I have another question, that burns even worse, I don't want to ask it. I don't dare to hear what she has to say about it. I know I'm trying to act as though I don't even care about it, but in reality I do... my mum is the only family I have – well except for Tori now. Do you still hate me for being myself?

In silence I just turn around and walk towards my room, picking up my bag on the go. I walk in to complete darkness, the blinds are still down, just the way I left them a week ago. I pull them up and have look around. No one has been in here since I left, no surprise really. The small dust particles in the air, glimmering in the light, swirl around me like crazy since I disturbed their calm environment that hasn't been touched in a week.

I feel empty, I feel nothing. I realize that I haven't missed my home at all. In fact, I haven't really even missed my own mum...

I look over to my bed, it has only been a week since I slept in it but it feels like forever. You know how you use to long for your own bed after a while? Yeah... I don't feel that. All I long after is sleeping next to Tori right now. I had gotten my own mattress on the floor at Vegas', reason unexplained but implied. But her parents don't know that I always sneak into Tori's bed after they wish us good night. I fall asleep to her chest moving up and down in my arms, her breath, warm against my arm. I even love how my arm falls asleep under the weight of her head.

I turn around and almost shit myself when I see the silhouette of my mum staring at me from the hallway outside my room. She looks at me with pleading eyes. I almost want to slur out to her to say what she wants to say instead of just staring at me and following me around like a shadow, but of course I don't. I just stare back at her with wide questioning eyes. She inhales and then she stops in her breathing before she slowly lets the air out. Nothing. She walks away.

I don't know if I can bare to sleep in this house. It has this calm atmosphere, something I'm not used to, and it doesn't help that my mum hovers around me without saying a single word. I quickly decide to go back to Tori's house. I pick up my bag and pull the blinds down. I close the door to my room after me, leaving it in darkness yet again.

"Where are you going?" My mum asks in a slight whisper.

"Back to Tori's" I wait for a protest. But nothing is heard from behind so I exit. Half an hour, fucking 30 minutes, I only stayed for half an hour. Well my plan to talk to my mum failed miserably...

During the drive back to Tori's I replay the meeting with my mum in my head. It's a pretty uninteresting scene with not a lot of action. She seemed so fucking pathetic and scared and I don't even know why. Maybe she is sad, regrets what's happened or maybe it's just the withdrawal effects of her alcohol abuse. Either way, if she didn't want to talk to me why should I talk to her. She was the one calling all week, non stop, and when I finally show up she can't even speak to me.

I sigh and feel satisfied with the fact that I actually went back but empty because nothing really happened. It would have been better if she had just yelled at me, at least everything would be like normal. I shake of the feelings as I park outside Vega's house.

Before I even have the time to close the car door behind me I feel a pair of arms wrapping around my waist. Without looking at the person clinging to me I can feel that it is Tori just by her gentle embrace. "How did it go? You staying here?" Tori asks into my neck.

I feel all warm inside at the knowledge of her waiting for me, actually expecting me. I kiss her on top of her head. "Well nothing really happened."

She creates a bit of distance between us and looks at me in disbelief.

"Really." I confirm. "We exchanged maybe 2 sentences."

Tori just looks at me with a concerned expression. A small wrinkle appears between her eyebrows but she doesn't say anything about it, just squeezes me a bit tighter. I'm grateful that she doesn't say anything right now, but I know that I can expect to talk about it later today... I know she want's to know everything.

I snake out of her grip and close the car door and pick up my back. "And yes, I'm staying." Tori just smiles, and I know it's because I didn't ask if I could.

A/N: I don't even know how Jade's mum is doing right now, but I think she is getting better... At least I hope so.

I think that I can see the end of this storyline. At first I thought it could go on forever but I think that I'm beginning to grow away from it. But not to worry, I have a few more chapters to go. But I just wanted to tell you that, so now you know. Have you got something to tell me before we go our separate ways if you want me to know something tell me now? Please leave a review.