Chapter 37: Guilty Pleasures

"Okay, I'll bite." - John Shepard

Kaidan makes a mistake... (but, oh, such a good one.) Shepard's past is also more fucked up than participated.

A/N, TRIGGER WARNING: Contains sex (slightly more explicit than "Chapter 24: Unleash") and implied/referenced underage prostitution.

Chapter heavily inspired by the song "Call It What It Is" by Sleeperstar.

"You know... you should try ryncol if you want something stronger. Wouldn't recommend it, though. I've heard it can put a car on fire."

Propping a forearm to the counter, Kaidan leaned in until his shoulder locked into place. An almost startled expression surfaced John's face when he turned, which shortly dissolved into the same deadpan look, incredibly blue eyeing him up from top to bottom. The smoke was back in his mouth. Kaidan could already smell the rich but bitter aroma that lingered in the smooth fabric of his leather jacket. Then the blue hue with red orbs centered between was at his. Kaidan couldn't help the small smile threatening the corners of his lips.

"Okay, I'll bite," John replied. "Any recommendations?"

Kaidan snorted. "I hear the Serrice Ice Brandy is quite popular. Here, let me buy you a shot," he said, taking note of the subtle but intensive watching of his every move. He pretended like he didn't notice.

"I'll take two." The bartender relieved him from the credits.

Cocking a brow, John's gaze followed the younger man behind the counter before he disappeared further into the otherwise dark bar, illuminated by neon lights. Then Kaidan was his full focus.

Over his forearm, John held out a hand. "Shepard."

His whole body went warm at the shared touch of their skin, his grip firm and warm, which seeped into his being with a reassuring comfort. Warm, not cold. Real, not an illusion. John was alive.

He was up on his feet, walking, and he was... he was alive.

"I, uh... Kaidan. My name. It's Kaidan." He squeezed his hand tighter before letting go. The aching of his own returned at the departure. "So, Shepard... care to tell me what happened there?"

There was a freshly carved but narrow cut that seemed to be going deep, splitting his brow in two, dangerously close to his left eye.

"Got jumped by some assholes," he replied, not going into detail.

He went quiet then, having no need of explaining himself, and appeared to be lost in thought. His expressionless demeanor is nonexistent shortly after Kaidan grasped his chin. John nearly jerked out of his hold. Kaidan felt his jaw clench underneath his fingertips, but John didn't pull back when he brushed a cautious thumb below the damage.

John blinked. "You, uh... you a doc or some shit?"

"Yeah, well... kind of," he muttered, eyes hardened into slits. "Guess you could call me a medic." He was allowed to cock his head to the side to study the cut, trying to figure out how serious the damage was.

Kaidan's hand fell to the counter. "Looks pretty deep."

"It'll heal."

His eyes moved to rest at the bartender, just having brought them their drinks. Yanking the cigarette out of his mouth, John stumped it on the back of his palm without wincing –- Kaidan cringing vaguely at the gesture - before he threw it into the tray beside. He swept a palm across the counter to grab it and brought it to his lips, only to move it away again as he inspected its contents.

John crinkled his nose. "It's... blue."

Kaidan coughed out a laugh. "Think of it as, uh... coke without artificial colorants - would've been clear otherwise - Citadel space doesn't have them," he said, grabbed his own and moved it to his mouth. "Earth caught up and went along with it. Kinda tacky."

"Have we met?"

Subtle shock registered on his face before he could hide it.

"Huh?"

"Okay, I'll say it plain - have I ever had your cock in my mouth?"

The wrong pipe swallowed the bluish beverage whole, and in a split second, he was coughing his lungs out as if he was on red sand. The burn was almost unbearable and the blush crept up like a damn geth hunter. He was well aware that his eyes had watered and gone puffy at the force emitted. Wincing slightly, he sucked in a breath, in an unconscious attempt of washing the bitter taste out of his system.

John looked nothing short of amused. "Look, you asked for it."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess I did," he said and managed to swallow. Properly, this time. "I'm -"

He looked up from his glass and caught Garrus' eye, off in the distance. Apparently having noticed how his attention seemed to be somewhere else, John glimpsed over his shoulder with an arched brow and saw him.

Kaidan eventually regained his gaze. "I -I don't think so. Sorry."

He couldn't do it.

What the hell was he supposed to say? That they had been dating for a while up until he woke up on that hospital gurney with a brain concussion? That they had known each other, served together, since 2183?

It was too much to take in.

Thankfully, John seemed to buy it, although there was a small frown by his brow before he acknowledged it. He tipped the glass back to his mouth and swallowed half of the substance in one swipe, still holding the glass to his lips, frown deepening.

"Right. You just seemed -" John stopped, shook his head and took a final drag. "Never mind."

"I guess I just have that kind of face." He wanted to kick himself as he couldn't get more cliché than that. "Hey, uh... you seemed pretty lost around here. I don't really know the place myself, but still - figured I'd give you a hand, you know?"

Behind the glass, a slow smile spread on John's lips.

Then he realized what that sounded like.

Chuckling, he looked away. "Christ, that's not –that's not what I meant."

John's smile grew ever so slightly, giving him another look-over, before parting from the empty drink.

"Shame," he said, and shoved a new smoke back into his mouth. Okay, so he's flirting with me. That's a start. "I'll take the company, but I don't dance, so scratch that off the list."

That's a first.

John was a downright terrible dancer. Kaidan knew that firsthand as well as everyone who had ever seen him dance, but he also knew that he didn't give a damn about how he looked because he found dancing fun.

Having missed the chance of meet-ups at some dingy bar in one of the major cities as a teen - thanks to his unusual upraising - Kaidan found himself appreciating the opportunity to be normal for once. It was, in a way, exhilarating. He had never been a big fan of nightclubs but it was a great way to meet people. Although it might sound like a horrible thing to say, the amnesia had given them a way to start over, have casual conversations unrelated to the Alliance and debriefings of their past mission. Unrelated to BAaT. Unrelated to war.

The whole thing wasn't entirely bad, but if he could prevent it from happening in the first place, he wouldn't have hesitated.

"...and if you plan to introduce me to your friends over there..." he added, much to Kaidan's embarrassment. "I'm going to have to pass." He kept the smoke un-lit for the time being. "I'm not exactly a people-person."

"You seem pretty charming from where I stand."

John's eyes fell. "Sure," he said "...but only when I'm trying to get into somebody's pants."

Looking up again, John cocked a brow - his expression deadpan - pinning him with a predatory gaze. He used that look to get Kaidan in bed with him, usually throwing a crooked smirk into the mix, working every damn time.

"That so?" he asked, but internally grinned.

Mouth now somewhat agape, John seemed amused at his short but suggestive reply, if not surprised. The cigarette quaintly hung immobile on his lower lip. Kaidan wanted to viciously yank the damn thing away and crush his lips with his own. Feel him against himself again. Push him up against a wall and let him know just how glad he was to see him up from that damn hospital gurney.

But he could do neither.

In a moment, the smoke is out of his mouth, the crooked smirk finally on his lips as if accepting a challenge. John pushed away from the counter, him tempted to do the same, but remained put.

Beneath the vivid lights and the night sky outside, the air grew ticker, nearly suffocating him.

Too busy gazing into John's eyes, his breath hitched as he felt a firm hand pulling at his shirt, allowing him to take charge although not being given much of a choice. He nearly tripped over his own foot despite how gentle the pull was. For a moment, he had no recollection of what just happened, but everything came back to him when John leaned in and he could feel scarred lips ghost over his neck.

"So, K... wanna fuck?"

He was trying to focus on his own breathing so he wouldn't pass out thanks to lack of air, but by the way John was pressed up against him - most definitely aware of his growing erection - he couldn't think straight.

Kaidan swallowed. "Yeah? I think I can make that happen. I'm currently in charge of a docked ship not too far from here."

John didn't say anything, instead allowing his lips to speak for him, as they ghosted Kaidan's neck. Shivers prickled down the length of his spine when they were by his ear. He bit back a groan as teeth nipped at his earlobe - and not gently - his own nails dug into the tan, tender flesh in reaction, bringing him closer. Kaidan couldn't even register when he had grabbed him.

"Five minutes," John said and pulled away.

Opening his mouth to speak, he was only to feel a flattened-out palm on his chest, pushing him ahead before John disappeared into the crowd. He could swear that his heart was trying to brutally ram through his damn ribcage, splintering it into a million pieces, the gesture having left him breathless. He wouldn't be surprised if his face had gone blue along the way.

His eyes fluttered shut, inhaling and exhaling the much-needed breath, finally able to function properly. His legs were nearly shaking when he managed to push through the various attendants and locate Garrus' table.

"So..." Garrus muttered, the amusement clear in his voice, having seen the whole thing. "That went well." The defeat must've shown on Kaidan's face because the amusement died down quickly. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

Kaidan sighed. "I -I couldn't, okay?"

"Well, you're in it deep now."

"Yeah... no kidding," he muttered. "I always seem to mess up, huh? First Horizon, now... now this. Christ. If this is going to work, I need to... I need to tell everyone what I've been telling him. The last thing I need is for the whole crew to mention how we served together -"

"Kaidan!"

Shooting a sideways glance, he heard a far too enthusiastic quarian voice as she nearly stumbled over, him quick on his step to catch her if she fell - only to have her barging into him - briefly taking away all the oxygen left in his body again, him hunching over, feeling like he has taken a stone-clad fist to the gut. She threw an arm around his shoulder.

He caught his breath. "Hey, Tali. It... it's good to see you."

"Feeling a little..." She hiccupped "...naughty, are we?" Her speech was slurred, eyes crinkled in the corners to reveal a big grin behind her mask. He frowned. "I hearrrd you... speaking with Shepharrrd?" A giggle interrupted her and Kaidan felt his cheeks go warm.

He cast a helpless glance Garrus' way, giving him a look only described as a, 'whatever it is, I don't want to know.'

"Hear, hear," Tali said, the sudden seriousness in her voice being almost terrifying. "You..." There was another hiccup. "You are going to regret following through with... with this," she said, waving her triple-filtered turian brandy. Garrus gracefully took it away from her. Kaidan halfway expected to shimmer a pout but she didn't even seem to notice that she no longer had it in her hand.

"Because, Keelah," she added. "You... messed. Up."

"Tali, you -you're not helping," he muttered as calm as ever, only to be interrupted by another fit of giggling. "Garrus, look... there's a line to what amount each individual can handle, you know?"

Innocently, Garrus shrugged. Taking a moment to admire the scene, Kaidan smiled, despite of himself.

"Don't be ridiculous!" she protested. "Now... now I don't know much about human mating rituals, but to my people -"

Oh, god.

"...but to my people, it's very, very... intimate," she said, putting heavy emphasis on the last word. "However, I do know a little, as I have earlier consu -consulted a human mating manual."

He could swear Garrus was frowning. "Spirits. What were you doing with one of those?"

"For Shepharrrd, of course! I threw them away, though... I didn't need them anymore. He rejected me... said he didn't want to risk my health... so I tried my luck with you as I figured I would have a better chance. Downgrading a little."

The turian gasped. "Ouch. You're so mean."

Tali broke into another giggle fit and Kaidan finally realized that she was joking. Taking note of Garrus' suggestive tone, he cleared his throat - reminding them that he was right there - practically being the one keeping Tali standing.

Garrus sucked in a breath. "Right. Sorry," he said, with the turian equivalent of a blush. "So what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I'm taking him back to the Normandy." Kaidan's hand was at Tali's upper back when he guided her into a seat. She was a light quarian, but his shoulder had begun aching. "I'm not planning on doing anything else but that."

He could make out a snort, and a murmured "yeah, rrright," before the tenacious slurping of obstinate purpose caught his ear.

Kaidan ignored Tali's remark. "I'm pretty sure he'll just refuse returning to the hospital if I suggested it, and I can't exactly force him, so it's the best I've got right now. You coming along?"

"I'll finish up here first." Garrus cast his eyes to a now, unsurprisingly enough, very passed out Tali. "She's... coming too, I suppose."

He smiled and shook his head before he pushed through. As much as he wanted to be with John, he didn't do one night stands, which was certainly what John was expecting. Deceiving him felt wrong but he had little choice.

Sex wasn't just a technicality for him - a way to pass the time - and by far it wasn't a small thing in his eyes. Still, this was John. The last time they spoke was before he headed for the beam. Before Kaidan, for the third time, believed John to be dead. Before he affectionately stroked his hair and told him to come back to him. Before he spent weeks by his side at Wellington Hospital to await his recovery, barely taking the time to sleep or eat, almost unconsciously killing himself in the process. He was lucky that Liara had come to his rescue before it got too bad.

He needed to feel his body against his own again. Remind himself that John was alive. But this wasn't the time for that.

A hint of relief soothed him when he saw John standing back by the bar disk, chatting up the bartender, although he couldn't make out what they were saying. Approaching him, he gently touched his bicep, John shortly after meeting his gaze with a now lit cigarette. He didn't need more convincing as he simply emptied his newly-ordered drink, shoved the smoke back in, and allowed Kaidan to drag him along.

In any other situation, he would've taken him by the hand and intertwine their fingers, but that wasn't exactly what you did to some random guy you picked up at a bar. It needed to be believable.

Kaidan hailed a cab.

The final walk to the Normandy was quiet, and despite everything they had been through together in the past, he couldn't help but feel nervous as if it was their first time. He felt like he didn't know him anymore, and hell, it was killing him. There was however some truth to that statement. Not having known John fifteen years back, he didn't know what to expect from him, but he was clearly different. More vulgar and forward as he said things straight out. He was used to dirty innuendos but this was something else entirely. His forwardness was... kind of turning him on.

At least that's what his suddenly tight pants were telling him.

The decontamination was quick and painless but also spent in complete silence. Kaidan made sure that he was the first to step into the ship. He nearly barges into Joker as he was limping back to the cockpit. The pilot froze when he saw John, averting his eyes to give Kaidan a questioning look, although he held up a hand in promise to talk later. Joker simply shakes his head and passes them.

Normally, Joker would ignore his attempt at keeping him quiet, but things were different.

He clenches his jaw and tries to forget the drainage in the otherwise chipper and sarcastic pilot's gaze. He can see John's confused reaction, but instead of lingering outside the now shut cockpit door, he takes him by the wrist and brings him to the elevator.

Kaidan knew exactly how he felt.

EDI's robotic body had been placed back in the med-bay in hope to someday retrieve her. They hadn't been successful so far. The whole crew took her absence to heart as they had gone back to using a simple VI, and it wasn't the same without her, although there wasn't much they could do about it. Part of Joker sure blamed John for what happened. Even so, their CO had done so much for him before, so he stowed it.

At least for now.

The amnesia could be the only wall between John himself and Joker's anger.

He watched as John stepped into the cabin, hands deep in his pockets, his brows crinkled in a thoughtful frown. There was a different look about him as he stood there and he could tell that he remembered parts of the interior.

Kaidan realized how vulnerable he felt.

At his every step, his heart had been beating, harder and harder as they passed the crew with curious glances. He was confident that he could do it, but now when they finally had reached deck one, his willpower and confidence was slowly but surely dying down. There was an eerie silence aside from the silent humming of the Normandy's engine and the air was thicker than he could remember.

Wasn't every day you refused your boyfriend sex.

After his wake, John's current display so far had been nothing but a supposed bad-boy persona. A walking James Dean starred in Rebel Without A Cause. He only needed a Porsche Spyder and Kaidan would have to look twice to see the distinction.

He shook off the thought and headed for the inner section.

There was a brief panic when strong fingers curled around his wrist. He felt his pulse both in his throat and under the grip of the hand that was crushing his forearm, swirling him around, as if restraining a child from running into traffic.

He was brought back into reality when his back suddenly had a wall behind it.

John attacked his neck with both lips and teeth, his warm body pressing the rest of him to the concrete, Kaidan unable to hold back the guttural moan that had quickly built up in his throat. He couldn't tell whether it was because of the impact he had suffered to the wall or John's assault. It didn't take much effort to feel the equal and growing bulge by his thigh. He was forcefully ground up against him when John grabbed a handful of his ass, mouth moving in for a light throat clamp like a predator would do to subdue its prey.

Prey.

That was exactly what he felt like.

A willing one.

Hands were all over him when John's mouth worked towards his jaw, and he felt like he was going to die, his attacker showing no signs of slowing down. For a moment, he forgot to breathe, but then he remembered where they were.

The pursuit stopped when he, strangely enough, managed to place a flattened-out palm between his pecs, somewhat hesitantly pushed him back, feeling his chest moving rapidly beneath his touch. Dilated pupils peeked up at him - one beneath a cocked brow with the wound that he had earlier taken note of - having to mentally tell himself not to do something he knew he would come to regret.

"What... you going to patch me up first, doc?"

John must've seen where his eyes trailed.

Even so, why did he feel like he was about to participate in a porn vid?

Christ.

Repulsed but also slightly intrigued by the thought, he flagged it off, eyes slamming shut. The cut was indeed of a more pressing concern, so instead of objecting, he readied the medi-gel.

"Sit," he said, and gestured to the bed "...and hold still."

With what resembled a mock snort, John threw up his hands in surrender before he plopped down to the furniture. His arms dropped to his thighs as he leaned forward. A smirk played on his lips as he looked straight ahead, him being well-aware of where the height of his head was and peeked up to meet his gaze with an arched brow.

Kaidan rolled his eyes.

Crouching down before him, he squeezed out a small amount of medi-gel on his thumb, capturing John's chin in his hand.

He felt the stubble beneath his fingertips as he tilted his head to the side, him not being particularly helpful at first as he tried to wriggle out, but allowed him access. John winced slightly as he pressed the cold, jelly substance to the wound, again trying to pry loose.

Kaidan frowned. "Stop squirming."

John blew hard through his nose but his shoulders finally slumped.

The cut was deep, him frustrated at the reveal, attempting not to seem too bothered so he wouldn't give himself away. His usual reckless stunts already angered him to no end as John's preferred tactic had always been to rush straight in like a krogan juggernaut. What he seemed to be forgetting was that he didn't have the same hardened scales and regeneration factor. Neither did he have the biotics except from Reave that they implanted him with during the Lazarus Project. That alone wasn't enough to bring down a damn reaper if it came to it.

Still, that didn't stop him from trying.

Part of him wanted to ask how the hell he was jumped, but he figured that he couldn't get anything out of him, no matter how hard he tried.

When the gel was applied, John shifted uncomfortably, Kaidan's eyes falling down. He wanted to laugh when he saw that he had 'adjusted' himself. Despite his erection, John freed his chin and cleared his throat.

He had always been really damn easy. It was kind of adorable. Most people wouldn't combine the word 'adorable' and 'Commander John Shepard' in the same sentence but they didn't know him like he did. Part of him wanted to point it out. He would normally tease him about it, offer a handjob, and then ripped clothes would shortly after be scattered all over the floor.

A light breath grazed his cheek and he froze.

Kaidan swallowed thickly. Clenching his jaw, he built up just enough courage to ascend his eyes. His breath got stuck in his throat when he found that John had leaned in. His unwavering gaze had him nailed to the floor as he sat crouched between his parted legs. He could hear his silent breathing, smell the tension, only about an inch of air parting them. Through his veins, his blood began pulsing more rapidly.

He didn't want to fight a war that he wasn't going to win.

There he was, locking eyes with the man he loved, and his mind went blank. He simply couldn't bring himself to look away. He saw everything he was. Everything that made him into the man he was. Everything they had shared. He saw only John and forgot everything. Forgot those years spent mourning him. Forgot being left behind. Forgot how angry he should be at him for breaking his promise. Forgot the amnesia that had consumed him. It was as if they were back to the first night they shared together.

John smirked.

...and then he couldn't hold back.

As if he was possessed, he was unable to control his actions, and in a split second, he was standing over him. His fists balled around the worn leather jacket and he crushed lips to his, the want too strong to resist, moving with him as he forcefully cushioned his back into the sheets. John groaned from the bottom of his throat as Kaidan slipped a knee between his thighs and pressed him further down to the bed.

A strong hand was on his chest, neck and then in his hair, the other nearly ripping the buttons on Kaidan's shirt from the two-stitched hem, him shuddering slightly as it bared half his chest. With the tip of his tongue, Kaidan trailed the red-glowing scar on John's lips, before invading his mouth entirely with unsatiated hunger.

John tasted of brandy and smoke. It was as if Kaidan himself was getting a high from the tobacco that the cigarette - now stumped at the pavement outside - had left him, and combine that with lust, there was no way in hell that he could resist.

Both of John's hands delved deep into his dark curls, reaching his amp port. Kaidan shuddered in reaction as he sucked in a breath through bared teeth. Already semi-hard, he rubbed up against him for friction, willing to take whatever he could give him. It was too much and too little at the same time. A warm palm slipped under the neck-hem of his shirt, only to retract again, soon feeling the subtle breeze as his shirt came off. Before he could process what was happening, his back was to the mattress, John's thighs cradling his hips.

And Christ, it wasn't gentle, either.

With a predatory growl going right down, John leaned back in and their teeth clicked, biting into Kaidan's lip - almost enough to draw blood. He sighed as his tongue, dominating and assertive, entered him again.

I miss you...

His hands found their path up the familiar curve of John's hips and under his tank top towards his ribs, desperate for contact, bringing him closer. A muffled sound was heard in return, the pressure of his mouth increasing, if only slightly.

I miss you so damn much...

It didn't take long before they had discarded their clothes, wrestled out of the fabric, clinging onto each other as if the galaxy would fall apart any minute. He had watched John as he stripped off his shirt and noticed that there were traces of his six-pack even after his coma.

Kaidan trailed a hand over the firm muscle as John crawled over him, surveyed his tan skin, taking note of a few new scars that had surfaced.

He was nearly brought back into bad memories until lips relocated his chest, his collarbone, his throat as John ground up against him. They prepared each other, and when he finally took him in, nails bore into John's back. There was a burn to it, and never having been John's bottom before in their far too few rodeos, it sure as hell was an experience. His leg was forcefully grasped, his knee to John's hip so he felt his full length, catching another throaty moan that sent the blood rushing through his veins.

At his every thrust into him, he came closer and closer to his climax, John holding him in place while sucking at his pulse point. Both were coated in a thin layer of sweat, his nose registered the musky scent, although it was hard to overlook.

Kaidan's biotics had begun flaring up, feeling the blue energy form an aura around his body, the pleasure felt overloading his senses.

He was known for his self-control, but sex had a way to surpass that, especially when John was the one he was giving in to. He hit dead-on one of his sweet spots, below the ear, and everything went black when the orgasm hit him like damn truck.

John came shortly after, his chest moving rapidly thanks to exhaust and lack of air, rolling onto his back before his forearm covered both his eyes. Kaidan knew their session would leave him bruised, but hell, he didn't care.

It wasn't before a few minutes later - when heavy sleep had befallen his partner - he realized his stupid mistake.

It wasn't like in the movies. Everything didn't come back to him in an instant after the kiss they shared. It didn't trigger his memories. Nothing. Kaidan knew he had made a mistake in the moment their mouths collided, when his whole body flushed and went warm, being an amazing feeling that only John could give him. He knew that when he now had tasted him again that he would only want more.

Yet, he went through with it, all thanks to his damn urges.

Just... *Christ.*

Kaidan winced at the clear sunlight in his eyes, blinked away the sudden colors, his eyes finally got used to the light pouring through the ceiling window. For a moment, he found himself confused, up until remembering that the Normandy was still stationed on Earth. He had gotten used to waking up with stars above his head, cloaked by a dark night sky, where the light of day never reached. The weather had changed overnight, the wind having brought the clouds with it as it drifted, clearing the sky.

The warmth, having coated him in a layer of sweat, told him just how impractical a ceiling window above a bed was when not in space.

Reaching out to the nightstand, he grabbed his omni-too and brought up the display. 0745. He rubbed his eyes, brows knit in a frown as they shut, let out a sigh before he threw it back onto the nightstand.

There was movement beside him.

For a moment, he froze, despite knowing whom it was. He gazed sideways to see that John was still asleep. A small but fond smile crinkled his mouth although it shortly dissolved into the humid air. He clenched his jaw before he pulled the covers aside and stood.

Kaidan thankfully managed to relocate his clothes, draped all over, and threw them on.

"And here I was enjoying the view."

His neck nearly dislocated by his one-eighty-degree spin, only to exhale an anticipated breath, cheeks turning into a new shade of red to have startled in such a way. Grunting, John pulled up from the bed, his feet locating the floorboards. The sheets - unfortunately - covered him up as he leaned forward. Elbows fell to his strong thighs as he rubbed his eyes.

"Good morning to you, too," he said. "Hey, ah... you're welcome to use the shower if you want." Kaidan shot a thumb over his shoulder. "It's just in there. I've got a few things to take care of, but I'll be back in an hour, tops."

"I really should go -"

Kaidan held up a hand. "No pressure, all right? I'm not expecting anything from you. I'll just have you know that the offer's there."

John seemed to relax somewhat then, so Kaidan was quickly out the door, heading for deck three.

After taking a shower himself in the lower levels, he found a couple crewmembers in the mess as he greeted with the usual 'good-mornings,' returning the gesture before his mind was focused on the metallic shaft with freshly brewed coffee.

"Major Alenko," Hackett said over the voice-link, Kaidan just having brought up him omni-tool display. "Judging by your report, I understand that the Commander is aboard the *Normandy* at this rate. Keep him there. He's too valuable an asset to be wandering around on Earth. He needs supervision at all times or things are going to get real messy."

"With all due respect, Admiral. How am I supposed to -?"

"Drop the 'with all due respect' crap, Alenko. I don't give a damn *how* you do it, just do it. Bring. Him. To. The. Citadel."

Great.

He wasn't going to be happy about that.

No one had seen John exit deck one, so he was still aboard.

He wasn't stupid. The way he's handled himself up through the years was proof of that. A kid as young as he was, he sure had the brains when his years consisted of gang activity. There were other ways to earn a living, but that was difficult without an education. Something he had little off. The thought of John submitting to prostitution made a bitter taste in his mouth. Maybe he had. Kaidan didn't know how well those gangs paid.

The thought brought him back to last night.

John was a damn god in bed, even then, so he sure as hell had plenty of experience at just 17 years of age. Or maybe parts of his memories were recalling those hot, steamy nights that he had experienced in his life, and imprinted a remember-the-good-stuff protocol. He wouldn't look down on him if he had turned to prostitution. The only thing he did was feel sorry for him. Kaidan found himself walking that path difficult to imagine. It would put serious stains on his gifted integrity. His honor and pride. His self-respect.

He'd probably put a bullet in his head.

Easier that way.

Sighing, he grabbed two cardboard cups from the mess - those with the quaint plastic lids - and returned to the cabin. As the door *whooshed* open, he stepped in, mindful of the fact that he had to break the news.

"Shepard?"

"In here."

John had apparently taken up on his offer as his voice came from the restroom.

He heard the light stream running down the shaft, the water drops hitting the marble floor in repeating splats, telling him that he was still in there. He could feel the moisture in the air, having poured out the tiny gaps beneath the door. The faint aroma of Kaidan's stylized shampoo that he himself brought along when moving into the cabin with John teased his nostrils. John obviously didn't need much of it back then, thanks to his buzz cut, but it had grown out almost four inches by now.

"You coming in?"

Yes.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "I'll, ah... No, I'm... I'm fine just here. I'll wait. Brought you coffee."

"I don't drink coffee." It only hit him shortly after. Amnesia... right. Not every 17-year-old kid drank coffee. "I mean, fuck. I tried, but... I can't get used to the damn taste."

"Just trust me."

There was a pause, but then the shower turned off. He was about to head down to the inner section until he sensed movement behind him, turned around, and nearly dropped the damn drinks. John wore nothing but a towel around his waist - a far too small one that was usually used to dry the hair - as he leaned up against the wall with his model ships, arms folded across his chest, Kaidan's face immediately to redden. As if he was fully clothed, John casually took a cup, before passing him and moving it up to his mouth.

"This... is actually pretty damn good," he said and peeked up from his drink. "What's in this?"

Kaidan smiled softly. "Half-and-half... three sugar," he replied, voice faltering. Just how you like it. He was given a look, so he ducked his head and released a strangled chuckle.

"That's, ah... that's a Canadian and US saying," Kaidan explained. "Half cream and half milk."

John blinked. "Oh."

His almost shy demeanor was the exact same as it was back in Huerta Memorial when Kaidan was hospitalized with head trauma.

Kaidan saw the towel drop before John moved towards the dresser without shame, making a muffled whimper as he averted his eyes, trying not to stare at the now very bare commander - in his full model-like glory - although his eyes willed, oh willed, to look. From the corner of his eye, he could see him separating from his coffee before grabbing a pair of briefs.

He cleared his throat again.

Suddenly he found the floorboards to be immensely interesting.

"You know, you broke one of the most important rules of a one night stand," John said and pulled on his pants.

Never expect more? Don't assume the other participant is willing to stick around? Wear a condom? Don't get attached? He remembered the condom. Kaidan couldn't recall which one as he had literally broken three rules out of four.

To prevent the headache, he asked, "What's that?"

"The lips."

"Huh?"

"Never go for the lips," he said, and a frown crinkled Kaidan's brow. John wrestled into on a shirt. "I'd make a joke about 'not knowing where they've been,' but it's more complicated than that. It's... intimate. A red zone."

Too intimate for...

"Too intimate for casual sex," John finished and gave him a wink. "You're lucky I'm a good sport." He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. "Thanks for the company."

Kaidan reached out to his side like a barricade. John stopped. His gaze fell to the door before it returned to him. Placing a hand at the cloth above the firm muscle, John's abdomen, he gently pushed him back to face him. Nothing but confusion shrouded his strong features as he was eye-to-eye with a pair of synthetic-affected irises.

"Shit," John said "...you're bringing me back to the hospital, aren't you?"

"What?" he asked when John pulled away. "No, of course not! I'm -" He was pinned by an unwavering glare, but John didn't move. "Okay, I -I admit that I haven't been completely honest with you, but that's not why I brought you here -"

John averted his eyes. "Fucking Christ..."

"Things wasn't going to happen like it did, but you kept pushing me, and I don't know what the hell I was supposed to do." John shook his head in annoyance, beginning to move, but Kaidan grasped his arm and held him back. "Look, this... this place. Does it seem familiar to you?"

"Okay, so -Who the hell are you?" he asked, his voice dangerously close to the edge of shouting.

"I'm Major Kaidan Alenko," he said. "We served together in 2183, caught a break for nearly three years, and then went back to serving together in 2186. My orders are to bring you back to the Citadel so the Alliance can keep an eye on you."

"Like hell you are." John tore free of his grip and made a beeline for the exit, but the lock turned red. "Open the fucking door."

His voice was low, dangerous, and so not 'John.' Nevertheless, Kaidan wasn't even slightly moved by it as he simply lowered his omni-tool. He had his orders and he sure as hell was going to follow through with them.

"I can't do that."

"You can't keep me here."

"I'm afraid I can. I'm a Spectre."

John sneered. "Bullshit. There are no human Spectres."

"A lot has happened in 15 years."

His breath got stuck in his throat when John turned and took a step towards him, in reaction activating his biotics.

John stopped short.

"I'm not going to hurt you John, but if I have to subdue you, I won't hesitate," he added. Blue eyes went wide at the mention of his first name. "I know who you are, okay? You're Commander John Shepard. You grew up on Earth under extreme conditions, having to join up in gangs just to get by, as your parents are unheard of. Everything you know is that your mother's name was 'Hannah.' That's it."

He saw John's hands ball into fists.

Thank god he wasn't a biotic.

"You can't seriously be telling me that all that bullshit the eggheads proclaimed is true."

"I'm afraid I am," he replied. "You commanded this ship when you were with the Alliance. She's called the SSV Normandy SR-2, a close copy to the SR-1, being a prototype of a stealth frigate."

John's jaw was locked tight as he kept him pinned with the same glare. He couldn't tell if he believed him or not.

"If there's... anything you can remember," he added. "Just... let me know."

He explosively exhaled a breath. "Fuck, I don't know, I don't -Yes. Something. Fucking something," he said, and the blue aura around Kaidan dissolved. "Why the fuck does any of this matter?"

"Because you're the only one that knows what happened to the reapers."

"What's a fucking reaper?" he asked irritably, parting his arms. Kaidan didn't waste a moment to pull up his omni-tool, showed him a miniature version of the ships' design in holographic form.

John scowled. "You guys are hassling me about an overgrown fucking cockroach?"

"The reapers are ships that existed over 50,000 years ago only having come back recently to wipe out all organic life, just like they wiped out the protheans all those years ago, killing of every intelligent species that they see as a threat. They're capable of massive destruction and influencing one's mind - persuade if you will - into working with them."

"Just shoot the fucker piloting it in the face, how hard can that be?"

Kaidan shook his head. "It's not that simple. It's a machine, a sentient being, which doesn't have a captain maneuvering it. Think of it as an AI. It's capable of self-thought. You destroyed them."

"So they're dead. Why do you need me?"

"Because in doing so you also wiped out all synthetic life. Some... pulse or something... and no one knows what caused it." John remained quiet then, and if his eyes weren't deceiving him, he could've sworn a faint interest lurked behind his slightly slacked posture. "After they attacked Earth, the galaxy cooperated into re-creating a huge weapon that was dubbed 'The Crucible,' although it wasn't finished. None of us knows what it did but the pulse most likely came from the device. Thing is, we don't know how it was activated. Admiral Anderson was with you."

John held up a hand. "Wait, David Anderson? If he was with me, why the hell don't you ask him? There's a small fucking chance that both of us got our brains fried. Probably do a better job at explaining anyways with that stick up his ass."

Of course he didn't know.

He found himself swallowing. "Anderson is, uh... is MIA," he muttered. There was a fall in John's stoic features. "When they found you in London, they... they couldn't see any signs of him. If they did, well, they haven't said anything. Communications cut. That's, uh... that's another reason why your memory is crucial. It would tell us what happened to him - if he's still out there, or... yeah."

"So one of your veterans is missing in action, most likely KIA, that it? Why the fuck should I give a damn?" His body turned cold under John's relentless scowl. "Hell, I don't have the patience for this bullshit."

What...?

Snorting jeeringly, Kaidan said, "You... how can you say that? It's Anderson, he was -He was like a father to you."

"A jarhead from a news vid whose face I can barely remember?" he asked, waving a hand. "Listen, sweetheart. The Alliance has been nothing but a pain in my ass from day fucking one, constantly interfering and making my life a living hell. Good to be rid of him. One less of you to give a crap about. Just 'cause I was in the Alliance doesn't mean I got 'attached'," he said, with air quotes, "to any of 'em."

Kaidan was speechless. "That... who...?"

Who are you?

Shocked by the reveal, he found his heart beating hard, underneath his ribs.

"Either way..." Kaidan muttered, keeping his voice leveled. "Alliance brass gave me an order and I intend to follow through with it. They're also bound to find out if you were... involved, with his death. This would be a lot easier if you simply cooperated."

John scoffed with a fleeting gaze.

"Let me guess," he said, and turned back "...'anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law'."

"I'm a marine, not a cop."

"Yeah, well..." he murmured, his voice lowered as he approached him. Kaidan's breath got stuck in his throat. He was dangerously close now. John's eyes glowered.

"...You're going to have to lock me up either way, officer."