Jill hesitated outside Gordon's door. She knew it was the last chance for them to patch their relationship up. If he really loved her, he'd ask her to stay.
She raised her hand, poised to knock. She really didn't want to do it, but she thought he deserved to know first, not through the grapevine. If that happened they had no chance of making up and resolving the situation, he'd think that he meant nothing to her, she was sure.
Swallowing resolutely, she knocked, and then entered after hearing "Come in." The voice she loved, that she used to listen to as she sat with him on many an evening, just content with being with each other, she with her head on his chest, feeling the vibrations as he spoke softly to her. The voice that used to deliver such kind, loving words to her had become a voice that shot only harsh, uncaring words her way.
These were the thoughts that ran through her head as she stood by his door, twisting her shaking hands as he stared up at her, not an emotion in his face. "I've come to tell you that- I thought you should know that I've decided to take the job at Leeds." She swallowed back a lump in her throat then rushed on, feeling the need to explain, desperately hoping it would make their hopeless situation better. "I don't feel I can stay here. I need to get away. There are too many memories…" She trailed off as Gordon's face didn't change from the impassive expression.
"Okay," he simply said, not an ounce of emotion in his voice, then he lowered his eyes to the file on his desk, picked up his pen and began to write.
She stood there for a second, just watching him, hoping he'd show some type of reaction. But he merely continued writing, as if she wasn't there. She felt hot tears pricking her eyes. She rushed out of his office, blinking rapidly as she did so. The hospital was not the place to break down in; no one would understand as they didn't know about her former relationship with Gordon. Even if they did, they couldn't begin to comprehend the depth of her love for him, the depth of her pain.
Some say that the opposite to love is not anger, it's indifference. Until that moment, Jill hadn't really understood that, but after that scene with Gordon, she knew it to be true. In her mind, if Gordon had shown anger or hatred towards her, it would have shown that he was still bothered about her, that he felt something towards her, even if it was resentment and bitterness towards her presence.
But indifference just meant nothing, making her doubt everything about their former relationship, both just as friends, and more.
OOOOO
"Dr Weatherill, are you really leaving?!"
It was the day after Jill had told Gordon. After she'd left his office, she went to her own, to calm herself, and basically hide from everyone, not wanting to anyone to see the state she was in. Eventually, though, she'd had to emerge, carry on with her job.
At the end of the day, she went to see Mr Middleditch. He wasn't thrilled about it, far from it, but he respected her decision, not questioning her on her motives, and told her she would be missed. By some, perhaps, but as Gordon had demonstrated, not by everyone.
She'd gone home, cried herself to sleep, as had become routine, and then got up as normal and returned to work, all signs of her sadness hidden by makeup. She had just entered reception when Lizzie had exclaimed rather loudly, attracting the attention of most staff, visitors and patients in the vicinity.
"Erm, yes, Lizzie, I really am." She quickly took her files from Lizzie, and hurried towards her office, wanting to hide her flaming face from those staring at her.
Lizzie, however, intercepted her, running out from behind the reception desk and throwing her arms around the doctor. "I'm going to miss you."
Despite her increased embarrassment, she laughed and patted the receptionist's back affectionately, if a little awkwardly. "Thank you Lizzie, I'll miss you too."
The ringing of the telephone then intruded, and Lizzie let Jill go, rushing to pick it up, muttering something about Matron. Jill shook her head, and laughed as she watched her go. She defiantly would miss Lizzie's antics.
She turned back to the corridor, and the smile quickly slipped from her face. Gordon was coming towards her, his expression the same as the day before, in effect, expressionless.
OOOOO
"Dr Weatherill!"
Jill halted on her journey and Milner Ward, and turned to face Lizzie running towards her. That was the second time that day the receptionist had embarrassed Jill; calling her name far too loudly and drawing the attention of everyone to her. She brushed aside her fringe, trying to detract from the burning in her cheeks as she smiled at Lizzie.
"Dr Weatherill," she said again, this time somewhat quieter and rather breathlessly as she came to a halt, wobbling for a moment on her far too high heels. "Are you free tonight?"
The doctor frowned, confused. Lizzie had never asked her this before; they'd never been out together before, it puzzled her as to why she would ask her to now. "Yes, I am. Why?"
"Good good!" she sang, clapping her hands and jumping on the spot. That was until she wobbled more precariously, grabbing Jill's arm to steady herself. "Be at the Sleepy Fish Pub at nine." She grinned excitedly and turned to leave, but Jill took hold of her arm, almost causing her to topple over completely this time.
"What's going on?"
"Just be there!" Lizzie stressed, causing Jill's inquisitiveness and wariness to heighten.
"I won't go unless you tell me."
Jill had to smile at the way Lizzie folded her arms and pouted as she said this firmly.
"You're not going to give in are you doc?" Jill merely grinned and shook her head, resulting in Lizzie looking even more child-like and sighing. "Fine! It's your leaving party."
"Oh, Lizzie, I don't-"
"Doctor!" She was cut off. "People are already coming. You have to come. Please!"
Jill sighed and rolled her eyes, but was secretly touched by the other woman's friendship. Strange, she'd never thought of Lizzie as a friend before, but she supposed she was. She wondered if there would be people she could call friends at Leeds General. "Okay, I will. Just so long as there's nothing that will embarrass me, hear!"
Lizzie grinned and walked off, a wobble in her step, but obviously happy, her mission accomplished.
OOOOO
Jill walked into the Sleepy Fish Pub, the location of her leaving party. She looked around and finally saw a few staff from the hospital sitting in the far corner near to the bar; Lizzie, Mr Rose, Mr Harper David, Meryl and two new nurses she didn't know the names of. She was soon to find out from Lizzie that not many more were expected.
"Obviously the night staff can't be here so that includes my cousin, Nurse Hopkirk; Matron and Mr Middleditch said they didn't want to 'cramp our style'; Sister Brigid has responsibilities at the convent; Dad's got some scam on with about twenty of our relatives, including Pearl so they can't make it; Alun's on a date with Samantha and a few other people said they can't make it. Lucy is coming though and Mr Harper said he'll pop in for a bit…"
As Lizzie chattered on, Jill became increasingly edgy as she wanted to hear the name of the person she so desperately wanted to come, but as Lizzie finished bombarding her with the names of just about every member of the hospital staff, the name didn't reach her ears. "What about Gordon- erm Doctor Ormerod?" She watched Lizzie carefully. She had a notion she was hiding something from her, so when the receptionist shifted her eyes away and tried to start a conversation about sunflowers of all things, Jill cut her off and pressed harder. "Lizzie, why isn't Dr Ormerod coming?"
"He just said he didn't want to." Lizzie bit her lip, obviously not comfortable with disclosing the information.
"Why?" Jill cringed inwardly, embarrassed at the way the word caught in her throat.
"Sorry doctor, he didn't give a reason."
On hearing this, Jill's heart dropped a few feet lower than she thought was possible.
As the evening progressed, those around Jill increasingly enjoyed themselves, some getting a little more than drunk, including Mr Harper. She swirled the liquid around in her fourth glass of wine. 'What the heck' she thought as she downed it and went to get another. It wasn't as if she wanted to remember the evening anyway.
OOOOO
A/N: Regarding the line about indifference, not hate being the opposite to love - I read or heard this somewhere. Unfortunately, I can't remember where, but credit must go to the person who coined it in the first place.