Me: Ah, how nice it is to be here!
S: Really?! :D
Me: Yes. Oh, not because of you, S, you vain bitch! Just because your house isn't infested with goddamn fucking moths! THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! ITS ROOSTER, TAKE TWO!
S:Hey, hey! My situation is no better! Know why we're at my mum's and not my dad's house? BECAUSE ANTS HAVE TAKEN OVER MY DAD'S PLACE, THAT'S WHY! THE POISON MY BROTHER BROUGHT DID NOTHING!
Me: WELL YOU DON'T HAVE FUCKING MOTHS EVERYWHERE! YOU NEVER HAD A ROOSTER GOING COCK-A-FUCKING-DOODLE-FUCKING-DO FOR SIX MONTHS! AND NOW THE FUCKING MOTHS WON'T FUCK OFF!
And there's one that's driving me insane. I've being chasing it around my room for DAYS! It never leaves! It's like the fucking the raven from Poe's "The Raven"!
S: Quoth the moth, "Never more, bitch."
Me: OH FUCK OFF! YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH IT, S? DO YOU!
S: Relaaaaaax. You're at my mum's place for the night! You're safe here, Hollie. There's no annoying moths here, okay?
Me: Fine, but there's still you!
S: …Fuck you!
Me: Well, moths, roosters, ants and S aside….
S: Okay, guys, we've got something to confess. We WERE going to do Rourke from Atlantis, buuuut…
Me: We've decided to do Hans from Frozen.
S: Come on, we just had to!
Me: Well, have to admit, this has got to be Disney's best film in years.
S: Got to agree. I mean, I LOVE Wreck-It-Ralph, but I go by the opinion that, as amazing a movie that is, it's a film that would appeal to gamers the most, whereas Frozen is pretty much for everyone. We're watching it for a second time right now. We just finished 'Do you want to build a snowman?' Now to watch the rest… *Tries to resume playing, but the DVD won't play* What the fuck?
Hollie, it's FROZEN! THE FUCKING DVD IS FROZEN! D:
Me:No shit, Sherlock! *Sees that S means it literally* Oh, FUCK! ELSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
S: Goddamit, Elsa! I know you're grieving your parents, but this is too much! Get your shit together, you miserable bitch!
Seriously, people! This is really happening right now! We had to restart the DVD because it FROZE on us! While we're writing a Disney Gravestone about Frozen!
…You know, I'm getting the feeling that Hans doesn't want us to do this…
Me: Prince Hans can kiss my big, smelly arse! I haven't liked a Disney princess since Belle, and I really like Anna and Elsa!
S: Wait, really? You didn't like Jasmine, Pocahontas or Rapunzel?
Me: No, not really. Nothing about them particularly stood out to me. Anyway, who are you to talk? You hate Jasmine!
S: I do? When did I say that? O_o
Me: In a few chapters back when you called her a "whiny, bratty teenage girl"!
S: *Scrolls back through the chapters*Hey, wait a minute…IT WAS YOU WHO SAID THAT! Don't you go putting words into my mouth, Hollie! If there was a princess I thought was a "whiny, bratty teenage girl", then it was Ariel!
By the way, I think Anna as a Disney princess MOCKS everything that Ariel represents. Another reason I love her, haha! I mean, THINK about it!
Me: Well, fuck you! I wasn't that far off!
S: Whatever. Anyway, for the record, I don't dislike Jasmine, though I do find her kind of annoying. Anyway, enough of that! Time to thank the reviewers!
Me: SideshowJazz1 – Hi there! Frozen is a great movie, and I just bought it on a whim, but really enjoyed it! I had Hans rumbled when he shot down that chandelier, but I do wish we'd seen more of his evilness, though leaving Anna to freeze, lying to Elsa that she was dead, then trying to kill her was pretty damn despicable! Good luck with the concert! Let us know how it goes! Yeah that donkey scene in Pinocchio is really scary, but it's that coachman is frightening! We hope you're not too disappointed that we've postponed Rourke until the next chapter! Thanks and enjoy this chapter!
S: TheDisnerd – I'll try and get Hollie to see Wreck-It-Ralph, but it'll be hard. She doesn't think it'll be her kind of thing, so it's packed to the brim with references that only a gamer could pick up on. Still, even then, it's a fun movie with quite the nasty, terrifying villain, so I'll keep trying to get her to watch it!
Don't worry; we'll get to Prince John eventually! We just HAD to do Hans from Frozen, because we loved the movie so much. Plus, I got a GREAT parody song in my head planned out. :P
Me: Kendramccormick – Well…we have good news and bad news. The bad news is….we're not doing Rourke. But the good news is; we're doing Hans! That coachman creeps me out, he always has and always will, even though I'm now 23. Thanks and hope you like the chapter!
S: Solaria daughter of Apollo – Yeaaah… Well, as you can see, we decided to postpone Rourke, at least for one more chapter. We HAD to do Hans and I'm sure you understand. After all, you've got a Frozen avatar, eh? ;) I promise, we'll make this chapter worth it, haha!
Me: DarkDancer07 – Well, Amy, for one, that was YEARS ago, and two, I was under the influence of alcohol. Watching parts of it again….yeah, it's a bad and it's cheesy. And Put a sock in it, that Carrie remake WAS rubbish. Watch the original, watch the shit heap of a remake, then come back and roll your eyes at me! And, as you might have read four times already, we're doing Hans. Enjoy and see you in September!
S: Miss P – Thank you so much your review, Miss P! Hollie and I are flattered and ecstatic you love our chapters so much and they've brought you so much humour. Rest assured, we're nowhere NEAR done. ;)
Me: Rainlily216 –Hey there! YES! It might not have been the best Disney film, but it had it' share of terrifying moments! I just find it even scarier that the worst of the worst got off, completely free! When You Wish Upon a Star might not be my favourite Disney song, but it's certainly very iconic and a very good theme song! We'll certainly watch that video! Here, instead of Rourke is Hans, and we promise we'll try to update more regularly!
S: Danny – Oh, we LIKE the Disney films, there are just aspects to them that we didn't. Hell, we'll write up a chapter next where we say what we did like…and what we didn't like, because, you know, we love bitching about stuff.
Actually, you know what? That's totally going to be our next chapter, readers! "What we liked and didn't like about the Disney films", all in order!
Me: Well, that'll be easy. Peter Pan: Liked, Captain Hook and the Crocodile. Disliked? Everything else!
S: That's pretty much how it goes for me with The Black Cauldron, haha! Anyway, we've thanked the reviewers! Know what that means, Hollie?
Me: IT'S SHOWTIME
S: Bring on Prince Hans!
Prince Hans Westerguard of the Southern Isles
S: God I love this guy. I mean, yeah, he's a colossal dick, he breaks the scales with the fuckery he pulls in this movie, but what can I say? I have a soft spot for the traitor. I could never hate a man who sings a parody of "I feel pretty" so damn well!
Me: Yeeeaah, meanwhile in the real world. He's a complete sociopath!
S: A magnificent sociopath! :D
Me: But STILL a lying, manipulative, devious, treacherous, evil, sly SOCIOPATH!
S: That's what makes him so interesting and memorable, I think. Admit it, if Hans hadn't revealed himself as the big, bad guy of the film, would he have stood out in any way to you?
Me: Absolutely…not.
S: Yeah, I thought so! Personally, I was shocked at the reveal. Hollie may have seen it coming, but I didn't. I honestly thought it was going to repeat of what we got in 'Enchanted': Two hero male leads who are romantically involved with the heroine and one is just meant to be with her while the other accepts it and moves on in the end.
Me: Well, maybe Disney's finally learnt to stop insulting their viewers and repeating the doing the same tired thing again and again?
S: It seems they have. They started to break the classic formula in "Enchanted" by mocking the old Disney tropes that were so popular, like 'love at first sight' and the 'hero always rescuing the heroine' and they finally hit the jackpot with "Frozen". Everything they could have mocked and deconstructed, they did in that film.
Me: That's why I love it. P.S. Done with Frozen and right now watching A Beautiful Mind. Cannot believe I'm drooling over Russell Crowe.
S: He IS handsome in the film. But, enough of that! Time to do the gravestone!
Here lies Prince Hans Westerguard of the Southern Isles
Born – The thirteenth out of a long line of brothers, all of which were implied to show him no love whatsoever growing up. Sheesh, thirteen really IS an unlucky number…
Died – Well…maybe being further neglected and berated by said twelve brothers and unloving parents….hmmmm?
. Nah, I don't think Hans is going to die anytime soon. Apparently there are talks to have him in a sequel of sorts and redeem himself. If that happened, then I think we'd have the first major villain to reform, don't you?
. *CoughIAGOCough*
. I SAID MAJOR VILLAIN, BITCH!
. I think someone like him would make a great Bond villain! Can't you just imagine him with a fluffy white cat, sitting on the throne?
. No… I'm more twisted. I see him as more of an "American Psycho" character, the way he puts on a façade, blends in with those around him, hiding his true self, an utterely deplorable, cruel, heartless man, underneath it all.
. Touché! Though, I would like to see what WOULD have happened if he'd tried to pursue Elsa!
. As much as I'd like to name drop the film and say 'FROZEN', I think he wouldn't have even gotten that far. He says as much in the film. Any suitors who tried to court Elsa were shot down right from the start.
Aaaaaanyway – probably one of the most dangerous Disney villains. At least with the others, you knew from the start what you were up against.
. He's also one of the rare Disney villains who spends the majority of the film doing GOOD deeds before exposing his villainy. Maybe even the ONLY one so far!
. Pretty heartless, though, leaving Anna to freeze to death! All of the other ones nearly always physically try to kill the hero or heroine!
. I think he would have attempted to kill her if he could have gotten away with it. Letting her freeze just gave him a good opportunity to place all the blame on Elsa. Which is even MORE despicable when you think about it.
. Two birds with one stone come to mind…gotta love it though, when Anna decks him.
.You may be pretty and witty and bright, but you'll always be second best. …Or thirteenth best in your case.
S: One of the things I love about what they did with Hans is that, once you realise his true self, it's hard not to see the signs on a second viewing. For instance, 'Love is an Open Door.' The line, "I've been searching my whole life to find my own place", has a whole new meaning now!
Me: Only noticeable the second time around! Its little things like that which makes you go 'Damn, how did I miss that?'
S: Exactly. It's the little things, like the sly, scheming expressions he makes for a split second during 'Love is an Open Door' or how he's clearly endearing himself to Anna by mirroring his personality to hers. Guy's like a fucking chameleon!
Me: Perhaps that's the creepiest thing about him, that he's so evil but yet so convincing as the 'good guy.' Look at the expression on his face when he tells Elsa that Anna is dead, and when he's about to execute her!
S: I think it was a great move of Disney to play up the classic 'good guy prince' and then flip it on its head and reveal him for what he is. He's one of Disney's ONLY villains who is not only pleasing on the eyes, but manages to fool the viewer until the very end of the film.
I don't think I'm exaggerating here. If you notice, the previous Disney villains, when introduced, made it quite clear to the viewer that they were going to be the antagonists of the film and weren't in the same boat as the protagonists (Frollo, Gaston, Scar, Ratcliffe, Clayton and Doctor Facillier).
Or, and this one shows up commonly in Disney, they were physically repugnant compared to the heroes.
Jafar, Cruella, Maleficent, Medusa are all emancipated as fuck. Ursula, Ratcliffe, and the Queen of Hearts are morbidly obese while Shan Yu has got grey skin and jaundice? I don't know WHAT the hell they were doing with him.
As for the attractive Disney villains, they lost their looks by the end of the film due to their villainous actions. Maleficent and Queen Narisa turned into terrifying dragons, Queen Grimhilde made herself into an old hag, Rourke, Gaston and Clayton's composed appearances fall apart to show how THEY'RE the real beasts, while Mother Gothel's true form is an ugly old crone.
Basically, Hans is the first legit Disney villain to give the middle finger to the whole 'Good is beautiful, Evil is ugly.' He's one who has the viewer's debating his true motives long after the film. Were his 'good' moments before the reveal all an act to win the people of Arendelle, or was he honestly doing them out of the goodness out of his own heart?
Me: You know, THAT is exactly why I think he's great! He's complicated!
Yes, his acts were despicable, but unlike the Duke, he didn't indicate he had any plans at all to exploit Arendelle. I think he just wanted a quick way to the throne, and was prepared to kill ANYONE who threatened that. Well, with thirteen brothers, what chance did he have of becoming King in his own Kingdom? Probably about the same chance as Prince Harry over here, and he doesn't even have thirteen brothers!
He also had a good plan to worm his way in with Anna; relating to how they'd both felt neglected by their siblings, though his were clearly doing it to be malicious – if he was telling the truth, that is. He came to Arendelle though, with the intention to murder Elsa. That's just cruel! It's probably just as well she wasn't as gullible as Anna; Elsa was wary of him from the start! And Kristoff, he hadn't even met Hans, but couldn't believe Anna had got engaged to someone she'd only just met.
I do, however, think that might have been a little dig by Disney at all the romances of their past films, cos, let's face it, not many of them REALLY got to know each other before they fell in love!
S: They did the same in 'Enchanted', but I think they handled it even better in 'Frozen'.
Mostly because, in 'Enchanted', the main conflict of the plot is that Giselle is becoming more integrated in the real world compared to the Disney universe she came from and has fallen in love with Robert instead of the archetype Disney prince, Edward.
But, in 'Frozen', romantic love takes a back seat to everything else and it's SO goddamn refreshing. Yeah, it's the engagement that sets everything off and you've got Kristoff and Anna falling for each other, but Anna and Elsa's relationship is the real drive of the movie, from beginning to end.
Hell, apart from Merida of 'Brave' (which I STILL need to watch all the way through), Elsa's the second Disney heroine to NOT give a complete fuck about a romantic relationship!
By the way, I LOVE how HUMAN the characters in this are. The film is so different compared to the old films that it doesn't almost feel like its Disney, does it? Is this really the same company that made Aurora and Ariel?
Me: Yes it is! And I agree! Apart from the whole Snow Queen aspect of it, it could almost be a real story! It's not as if there haven't been treacherous monarchs before who would stop at nothing to get their way. Not even just monarchs, there have been plenty of criminals who've looked innocent, or seemed dependable but then were convicted of horrific crimes. Like Harold Shipman, who murdered about 250 people (that can be proven, anyway) and people trusted him!
S: Although, that one is up for debate.
Anyway, back to 'Frozen', here's another little tibit! Kristoff and Hans never interacted once throughout the whole film. I mean, you kind of expect it considering the whole 'love triangle' thing, but it never happens. He does get to punch Kristoff in the book, though I MUCH prefer Anna slugging him. Frozen heart, indeed!
I guess you could say that Hans is in league with Gaston, Clayton and Rouke in villains who put on this "good guy" act for most of the film, fooling everyone else, especially the heroes, until the very end when their true, ugly selves are revealed. Although, with Gaston and Clayton, they weren't fooling the viewer's one bit!
Me: No, and that's the great thing about him! I can't think of very many characters who fooled people throughout the entire film. Except, perhaps, Snape. Though some people had guessed that he was really Dumbledore's all along, I'm betting that there were some who believed him to be Voldemort's ally. I also wonder if many people guessed his motivation, because I have to say, I didn't!
Dumbledore: Lily? After all this time?
Snape: Always
Me: Gets me EVERY time!
S: Yes, same here. Snape was such a great character, he really made the Harry Potter series and Alan Rickman was perfect to play him.
But, we're going a little off course here.
So, to sum everything up, we love Prince Hans.
Personally, I rate him up there with the real greats, like Frollo, Maleficent and Gaston. Sure, he doesn't look threatening and it's still up for debate just how evil he is, but I think that works in his favour as a Disney villain, rather than detracts from it. I mean, let's be honest, Jafar, Frollo, Mother Gothel and Cruella didn't even try to hide their villainy. You only had to take one look at them to know that they were going to cause trouble. But, Hans? Not only does he fool the heroes flawlessly, he fools the viewers as well. Nobody would look at him and suspect the poison that lay beneath!
I also rate him because he deviates from the other Disney villains in that he's not a 'Chessmaster' or 'in your face' with his evilness.
There's nothing bad about that, but it's a nice change. Hans has a goal in mind, but he doesn't plan it out in detail beforehand, he just makes it up as he goes along, and he does so in such a cold, calculating, manipulative way that it really enhances his villainy and makes his actions appear far worse when compared to other Disney villains. After all, Jafar, Ursula, Scar, etc. schemes are all grand and over the top and they all have traits that kind of soften or add some humour onto their evilness: Jafar makes jokes with Iago, Ursula has her 'babies', Hook is, well, Hook.
Their villainy is all-or nothing for them, it takes a lot of work and effort to pull them off – even years, as we see with Maleficent and Frollo. But, Hans? Plotting to kill a kingdom's Queen, wooing and manipulating her sister then leaving her to die and fooling the people of the kingdom to think he's practically a saint? He makes that shit look like the easiest thing in the world, he doesn't even falter once during the film and that's both scary, but awesome!
And, the final icing on the cake, my friends: Han's aspirations are nowhere near as high or hard to achieve as the other Disney villains are, yet he's still willing to go to the extremes to achieve them. Plus, he's a nice foil to Anna. He is the way he is because he grew up with no love from his family. If the trolls had removed even the memories of love from Anna's mind when she was a child, she might very well have grown up into a female Hans, bitter about Elsa shutting her out and shunning her the second her powers were revealed.
Isn't that just scary and tragic? Anna could have so easily ended up like Hans, but Hans, if he'd grown up with love, could have ended up like Anna.
Me: Even though that was a long essay, it was a very true essay. I find it really sad on both parts, having Hans have no love, but Anna remembering having so much fun with Elsa, and being so close and loving her, then suddenly, one day, being shut out. And, what, nobody could think of a single story to cover it up with?
But yes, the fact that Hans' character is actually very, very real to how some people can be, I find it frightening.
S:Uh-huh, he's a great villain and Disney character, no doubt about it.
…Now for the song!
Me: My favourite part!
S: Writing the song to the tune of 'Love is an Open Door' was the first plan, but thing is that's less a villain song and more a 'love' duet. So, I went with the most popular song in the whole film and the one that was intended to be villain song.
Yes, I'm talking about 'Let it Go'. It had to be done. Enjoy!
As villains go, Prince Hans was real low.
Worthy of a frozen heart.
So bitter and full of malice.
Who'd have thought it from the start?
How could he commit his crimes with such total ease?
Tried to kill Elsa; left Anna to freeze.
I hate that shit, I hate that dick.
All the things he said and did make me sick.
May that cruel brat never be free.
Just ditch the key!
Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!
What a vile, hate-filled asshole.
Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!
His white gloves mask his black soul.
And what the fuck happened to his horse?
I hate Hans so much.
He'll get what's coming to him in due course.
For attempted regicide, being jailed was far too tame.
And it has to be said that he gives gingers a bad name.
He may be easy on the eyes,
But I still hope for his demise.
Hang him, drown him, or to be grim…
Freeze him!
Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!
Kristoff would beat him in a fight.
Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!
I wish he'd got frostbite.
He is so going to hell.
I hate Hans so much.
The demons have devised a torment Hans will hate.
King of a cold, barren land will be his ironic fate.
And he'll be frozen always, can't move or even speak.
When he begs, they will laugh:
Mercy is for the weak!
Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!
Anna should have done a lot worse.
Fuck that guy, fuck that guy!
I would have broken his dick and balls!
Maybe then he'll feel some remorse.
I hate Hans so much.
He'll get what's coming to him in due course.
Me: Bravo, S, as usual! I say, that's a celebration for more tea!
*Hollie leaves. S twiddles her thumbs, thinking about her songs and gasps. Perched on the doorframe is the biggest bloody moth you've ever seen in your life*
S: FUUUUUUUUU, IT FOLLOWED HER HERE TO MY HOME!
HOLLIE! A BUG! A BUG! THERE'S A MOTH ON THE DOOR! HEEEEEEEELP!
*S's phone beeps. She opens it and reads the message.*
From Hollie's Phone: Hollie is dead. You're next. Love, Moth.
S: Haha, nice joke, Hollie! Now get your ass out here and deal with this giant ass moth!
*Waits some time*
Hollie! This isn't funny!
*Losing patience, goes into her kitchen and finds Hollie dead*
Oh…..
*Starts to cry, then…*
NOOOOOOOOO! MY REVENGE! It should have been ME who killed her! Three years of biding my time and careful planning, all gone down the drain because of a fucking INSECT! DAMN YOU, MOTH! DAMN YOU TO HELL! (╬ ಠ益ಠ)
*Grabs her axe*
Later readers! If I survive murdering the evil moth and bringing Hollie back to life, then see you next chapter!
*Turns back to the moth*
TIME TO DIE, MOTH!