Chapter 37

Kaidan left the Council wing behind and took a sharp right toward the Alliance barracks. The overhead lighting made his head pound harder. Hours left and what he really needed was a whole day to just lay in the dark and feel better. He massaged his temple as he rounded the last corner to his room. He stopped short.

"Liara."

She leaned sideways on the wall next to his door.

"Kaidan." She straightened with a smile.

"What's going on? You okay?"

"I wanted to make sure everything turned out all right. Shepard's safe?"

"Yes." He walked hesitantly to his door.

"Are you all right? You seem …"

"I have a migraine. I already took something."

The splintering pain was starting to dull, and the throbbing had shallowed. But that disjointed feeling the medicine couldn't touch was still there – the feeling of only skimming the surface, nothing quite connecting, stumbling in a fog. He turned to the door and rested his face into the crook of his elbow. He needed a moment to think. A moment to keep his thoughts straight. A hand touched his back.

"Are you going in?"

Go in - what would happen then, he wasn't sure. He couldn't rely on himself to think things through. And he was emotional too, could feel his heart pounding. Liara should go. He needed to be alone, sleep if it was possible.

He took a deep breath focusing on his senses - the chill of the metal door against his arm, hum of overhead lights, that sterile copy paper smell to the hallway, the faint flowery smell of Liara. He gave a long sigh and pushed back from the door.

"Let's go outside," he said.

"What?' Liara peered at him. "If you're not feeling well, Kaidan …"

"Dark is better."

"Your room is dark," Liara motioned. "We can talk later. Perhaps you need to rest."

Here was his opening then. Encourage her to leave. He could let this turbulence pass, sleep, start over. She was offering to go. He wouldn't even need to fret over hurting her feelings by suggesting.

"Stay," he said.

Her eyes glistened with a clear, soft sheen as he studied them. Something about her, just having her here, made him feel better. But that was the problem. His head ached trying to think it out any further.

"Let's go outside though," he said and nodded to the exit at the end of the hall.

He passed her and looked back. Her brow wrinkled.

"Are you sure, Kaidan? You look exhausted."

"It's fine. Let's walk. I'm happy you to see you."

She fell in beside him, and they moved down the hall. Kaidan picked up his pace. He needed to get out from the flickering fluorescence. Through the hallway windows, the night promised dark and calm. Kaidan jammed the button as soon as they reached it.

"I'm glad you're safe." Liara put a hand on the back of his arm as they passed outside.

He took a deep breath of moist air - cool and grassy, a taste of the briny ocean, and scent of blossoms blooming somewhere in the darkness. The night air was already warmer than the last time he'd walked around. The bright lights receded behind them as they left the windows behind and walked through the damp grass. Stars spread overhead in the darkness and city lights glittered down below in the distance. They strolled side by side in silence, and his fingertips dropped away from kneading his temple. Between the medicine and the darkness, the pain in his head was starting to settle. He drew in a deep breath and glanced over at Liara.

"You run into any trouble getting back?" he asked.

Liara shook her head. "We made it to the extraction point unseen. We recovered the boy. They took him to Council Holding."

"The boy?" Kaidan frowned for a second then lifted his eyebrows. "Oh, right."

"Why'd you save him?" Liara asked.

Kaidan folded his arms and shrugged. "I didn't save him. I spared him. He's only a dumb kid."

"From what Miranda said—"

"I don't want to know," Kaidan said. "It's been a long night."

"Very well …" Liara interlaced her hands in front of her as they strolled.

Kaidan stopped short, folding his arms in tighter, and sighed. "You know, if it came to a choice between us or the kid, it's us. Of course, it is. But if it wasn't a choice, I knew I'd live better with myself this way. I don't regret it, whatever Miranda says."

Liara gave a slight smile. "That's something I like about you, Kaidan."

"Well … thanks."

He turned back to the dark lawn and let his arms drop to his side as he walked ahead. There wasn't a destination, it just felt good to be outside and quiet. Liara kept pace by his side as they cut through the dewy grass.

"I came out here one night," Kaidan said, and he pointed ahead of them. "Sat right there. Fell asleep. Didn't wake up until morning. I was lucky I didn't wake up with a seagull nesting on me."

"Is that a risk here on Earth?"

Kaidan smiled over at her. The darkness made her features a deep purple in the half-seen light.

"No, I'm joking."

She smiled softly, and a hand curled around the inside of his arm as they walked.

"On my digs, I'd sleep outside. Different planets, people, ruins, but the night sky was always there."

"You miss it? Archeology."

"I like remembering, but everything's changed. I've changed. I'm the shadow broker now. Going back would only disappoint me, spoil the memories."

"Maybe the point's to make new memories, not live in the old ones," Kaidan said. "You're the shadow broker, but you're still an archeologist. Don't give up what you love just because you've changed."

They came up to a cement walkway. It wound into a manicured hedge circling a garden near the building. Kaidan' head still had that heavy, deep ache that made concentration an effort, but the sharpness was gone. He didn't need to squint as he gazed at the pale light shining in the distance from the garden. Liara looked out across the dark lawns the other direction.

"Did you want to stay out of the light?" she asked.

He did, but the garden lights looked dim. This time of night, no one was around, but it would feel more public. He didn't want to deal with thinking through any decisions tonight. He knew himself enough when he felt like this. Following all the possible threads into the future, considering ramifications and meanings - he'd give up like struggling under a weight. Then he'd be left whatever he felt in the moment. Liara's hand warmed the hollow of his elbow.

"I'm feeling better," Kaidan said. "Have you seen the Alliance gardens?"

He turned down the cement pathway without waiting for an answer. Liara shuffled along beside him still clutching his arm. She chewed her bottom lip, darted a look at him, and seemed about to say something.

"What were we talking about?" Kaidan said fixing his eyes ahead.

"Archeology," Liara said in a bland tone.

"Right," Kaidan said. "You're really giving it up?"

Liara studied his profile in the corner of his vision.

"Seems like a poor use of my time," she said finally and looked forward. "Javik's here. Why study ruins when the one that built them is right here to explain everything."

They passed through the leafy hedge into a wide lawn circled with gravel walkways. A marble pool dominated the center of the garden with a fountain trickling in the middle. Only days ago, the conference hall doors had been propped open, and Shepard running into him with her empty glass. Liara released his arm and strolled to the reflective waters of the pool. The pool's marble rim was wide enough for sitting, and she smoothed her skirt as she sat. Kaidan took a few steps after her.

"I know Javik thinks he knows everything about the Protheans," Kaidan said. "But if I was the sole survivor of my cycle, I'd only know a fraction of what there is to learn about humanity, let alone the galaxy or other races."

"True." Liara dipped a finger into the pool then smiled. "Don't let him hear you say that though."

"Ten months together coming back on the Normandy, and he still acts like he doesn't know who I am."

"Feigning to not recognize someone you clearly know, especially when both know it - it's a way to exert dominance."

Kaidan grinned. "I suppose some things don't change across cycles. Maybe next time I'll pretend to not know him. Go toe to toe on who can recognize the other the least."

Liara stirred the water with her fingertip. She looked up sharply. "How are things with Shepard?"

"What?" He frowned at the abrupt transition.

Liara straightened and folded her hands in her lap. "Will you two … Is there any way?"

Kaidan exhaled, folded his arms, and looked down the length of the pool toward the back hedge. Shepard's outline stirred in the shadows laughing, talking, and looked over her shoulder at him with a raised glass. She turned away.

Liara shifted on the marble rim and dropped her eyes. "I shouldn't be asking. I'm sorry."

Kaidan crunched across the gravel and sank down next to her on the edge of the pool.

"No."

Liara eyed him. "No?"

"No, I don't think we'll ever be together again."

"Oh," Liara said softly.

Kaidan hunched over resting his elbows on his knees and stared at his hands. A cut sliced down the side of his thumb to the base of the palm. It was sealed into a translucent raised line with medigel. He traced it with a finger. It barely hurt anymore. His headache hurt worse. He exhaled and looked back at Liara.

"I'm fine though."

"Is that true?" Liara hunched forward beside him.

"It's starting to be. I want it to be."

He stared at the gravel between his feet, and Liara's hand slipped under his arm. Her fingers warmed the crook his elbow like before, and his breath slowed and calmed. This time though, her fingers caressed down the skin of his inner arm. The light, slow touch to his wrist sent shivers down his spine, and his brow pinched as her fingers uncurled, tips tracing up his fingers, and palm pressing into his. He looked back at her. Garden light glimmered in her eyes, wide and bright. She searched his face, and his heart pounded clenching in his chest. He wasn't ready for this. She smiled softly, and a rush of feeling and memory swept over him – a taste of her all around him, everything washing away, the security, the belonging, the warmth.

His fingers parted. Blood throbbed through his veins as her fingers slipped slowly between his. Her throat moved in a swallow, breath quickening, as folded his fingers over her hand. Maybe she was afraid. He knew he was. His heart pounded as her fingertips dug into the back of his hand and her lips parted. He leaned in.

Something splashed in the water. He paused tasting her breath and feeling the heat off her skin. He looked down. It was a fish. Kaidan's breath caught. A black and gold coy swished below the pool's surface, twisting and curling, before slipping away. Kaidan pulled back dropping her hand and stood up.

"I should go rest. I'm not thinking straight."

Liara's mouth tightened as she gripped the rim of the marble pool. Her eyelashes fluttered as she bowed her head and gave a slow nod. She brushed a finger under her eye, and it pulled the air out of Kaidan's lungs.

"Liara … I-I'm sorry."

She drew in a deep breath and raised glimmering eyes. His stomach twisted as she rose forcing a quick smile and brushed around him.

"Liara." Kaidan spun after her. "I'm not thinking clearly."

Liara stopped. "Like on Jump Zero? You weren't thinking clearly then either?" She turned around and met his eye with a set mouth.

"I didn't know what I was doing." Kaidan took a step closer. "I thought Shepard was dead. I felt … it was excruciating. Maybe the worst I've ever felt. We were both upset. I just wanted anything not to feel it. Didn't you?"

Liara shut her eyes and drew in a sharp breath. Kaidan's heart beat in his throat, and he reached to touch her arm but stopped short. She looked him evenly in the eye.

"Being with you that way. It wasn't about drowning my feelings for Shepard. It was about my feelings for you, Kaidan. I wasn't using you."

"I …" he stammered and dropped his eyes.

His stomach churned. Nausea welled up his throat, and his mind splintered a thousand different directions.

"I … Liara, I don't know what to say. If I used you …" His voice strained. He swallowed. "I care so much about you. I would never mean to do that, but yet … I don't know. I truly didn't understand what I was doing. I get upset and try to stay in control, but I make decisions without thinking sometimes. Please …"

Liara's lips pressed into a thin line, and she sucked in a deep breath with a shudder. The line between Kaidan's eyebrows pinched tightened, and he took a step forward. Her hard, sharp eyes stopped him in place. He opened his mouth but didn't know what to say.

They stared at each other, and the wrinkles in her brow loosened. Her eyes widened little by little, and Kaidan touched the edge of his chin. His fingertips reflected in the low light, and his eyes snapped up to her face. Now it was even more embarrassing.

Liara hugged her middle. "This is because you still love Shepard?"

Kaidan shook his head breathing through his mouth. "It's because I can't stop. But I want to."

Liara touched his arm. Kaidan searched her eyes.

"Liara, you knew this already. You had to have felt it when we …"

"I love Shepard, too, Kaidan."

Kaidan dropped his eyes. "I know."

Her hand squeezed his arm. "Our love for Shepard's what we had in common on the Normandy. No one else really understood, but we had each other. Now time's passed though. How I feel about you - it surpasses the feelings I have for Shepard. Maybe you can't stop, but it doesn't mean you can't surpass it."

He looked up sharply. The thought of that gave him breath. It rolled around in his mind.

"I don't know," he said.

"Think about it then."

Kaidan eyed her. "I'm going to the Terminus System."

"I'm the shadow broker. Long as there's a comm buoy, I can go wherever I want."

"There isn't one. Not functional, anyway."

"Not yet. That's one of your priorities, isn't it?"

Kaidan nodded, and she smiled softly at him.

"I'll see you at the Summit," she said.

She touched the side of his face and then turned away. His heart thudded as he watched leave through the break in the hedge. Then he wandered back to the pool. He gazed down through his rippling reflection at the calico coy gliding and curving beneath.