"This is harassment. We have no comment. If you call here again, I will report you to the police." Alex dropped the phone back into its cradle with a little more force than was absolutely necessary. Though she maintained her calm composure, she resented that the relentless phone calls from reporters and lookie-loos were starting to get to her. She had no idea of how their numbers had gotten out but when she found out… Grumbling to herself, Alex returned to her sink of dishes and pushed the thought from her mind. Right now, focusing on her irritation and fury wouldn't do her or Olivia any good. She had to stay positive. The jury in Rominov's case had been out all morning. If her prayers were answered, they would come back any time now and send that evil bastard to hell. She was just biding her time until Elliot called.
She turned on the hot water tap and hissed as it stung her hands. She liked the pain. It focused her. It reminded her of the pain Olivia had to endure. It gave fangs to the defenses she had built to protect her crumbling girlfriend. Gritting her teeth, Alex scrubbed furiously at the casserole pan in her hands. She couldn't convict that monster herself but she could make the dishes sparkle. It was better than doing nothing. She turned to put the clean dish in the drying rack but lost her grip on the slippery glass. It smashed on the floor, sending shards skittering into every corner of the small kitchen. "Damnit," she snarled. This was just what she needed. Pressing her lips together to keep her curses to herself, she bent and dug through the cabinet for the dustpan.
Despite her best efforts, as she knelt she felt a sharp pain in her palm. "Son of a bitch!" Of course, because her notion that this day couldn't get any worse was mistaken, there was a long shard of glass embedded in her hand. She pressed a dishtowel to the wound and stood to go to the bathroom for a real bandage but hesitated. Olivia stood in the doorway, clutching the doorjamb with one hand and the front of her robe with the other. Her expression was a mask of utter grief. Instantly, all of Alex's frustration disappeared. "Olivia, what are…"
Olivia stumbled slowly forward, her hands searching for the kitchen counter for support. Alex started to catch her but Olivia brushed her off, catching hold of the blonde's injured hand instead and pulling the bloody towel away. Olivia stared as Alex's blood welled up and pooled in her palm. Her jaw trembled and her knees grew weak. Unbidden, she thought of the last time she had seen Alex's blood. It had been on a cold sidewalk, in the midst of squealing tires and shouting officers. It had taken Alex away from her. Her realization was sudden and unsettling. She couldn't bear it. Her grip on the edge of the counter was white-knuckled but she knew it wasn't doing her any good. Her knees were buckling and she was sinking to the floor.
Alex stared, transfixed at the sight of Olivia gazing so intently at her bleeding hand. Something was very wrong with Olivia but she couldn't summon the strength to break the tenuous silence. It was as if an invisible hand was holding her still, warning her against making the first move. But when she felt Olivia shudder, the stillness was broken and she sprang into action. She kicked away the glass and caught Olivia in her arms, heedless of her smearing blood, and slowly lowered them both to kneel on the floor. She yearned to hold Olivia against her chest and soothe all of her worries and fears away but again the invisible hand stopped her. So she waited.
Very gently, Olivia took a steadying breath and wrapped the tea towel around Alex's hand and folded her fingers over it. Reluctantly, she placed Alex's hand in the blonde's lap and folded her arms around her middle, hugging herself. She tried to look at Alex. She knew Alex was looking at her but she couldn't meet that worried gaze. She picked a spot on the floor and fixed on that instead. It would make saying what she had to say easier. "Alex, I can't do… I can't let you do this any more." The words were choked off as if their meaning tightened a noose around her throat. Alex moved but Olivia stopped her, impulsively grabbing Alex's forearms in desperation and turning her face away in shame.
"No, please… I have to…" She closed her eyes and paused to gather herself. "Alex, I'm ruining your life. Velez is gone and you're safe but… When's the last time you went out? Your parents or the guys shop for us, you never see anyone but me…" She fell silent and tried to withdraw her touch but Alex wouldn't allow it. She took one of Olivia's hands in each of her own and squeezed them tightly.
"Don't say that, Liv. You know I don't mind. I'd…"
"You should!" Olivia's outburst made Alex jump. She had hardly made a sound louder than a murmur since the chemo had begun and Alex was terrified by her sudden vehemence and by her heartbreaking words. "You should mind. You gave up so much to get your freedom back and now… I'm taking it away from you. I… I won't do it. You have to go." She tried to return Alex's grasp but she was weak and her hands shook. She wanted to scream. She was ripping her own heart out but Alex wouldn't listen. Suddenly, she felt sick. She had to get away.
Alex felt stunned. Olivia's words struck her dumb. It was only when she tried to pull her hands away and stand that Alex was able to act. She let Olivia's hands slip through her fingers and moved to rest her palms on either side of her girlfriend's neck. With gentle pressure, she turned Olivia's face up, physically pleading with her to stop staring at the floor. If Olivia was going to push her away, Alex wanted to see her eyes when she did so. She could feel Olivia's trembling jaw and the desperate tension in her shoulders. She had to put a stop to this. "Olivia, I'm not going any where but I want you to tell me why you're so upset. I can't help it…"
"I don't want your help. I don't need you!" She only just managed to blurt out her hateful phrase before she felt the strength go out of her body. She squeezed her eyes shut in a vain attempt to resist her sobs and slowly let her weight fall into Alex's waiting arms. She hated herself. She was killing Alex but she was too selfish to let her go. As always, she wasn't strong enough on her own. Alex had to be the one to save her. Moving gingerly, Alex shifted to hold Olivia more comfortably and completely. It also gave her a chance to collect her thoughts and push back her own tears. Olivia's words had cut her deeply but she had to believe that there was something else going on here. Olivia couldn't have meant what she said.
"Sweetheart, I want you to listen to me for a little while. I know that the last few years have been hard. They've been a nightmare but, if I had to do it again, I would. When I… went away, it killed me but I knew I had to do it. For you. Velez was after me but you could have gotten hurt. You were with me when the car exploded. You were right next to me when his thugs shot me. If their aim had been just a little off, it would have been you. I had to protect you. Because I love you. Do you understand?" Olivia said nothing but she slowly extracted herself from Alex's arms. Her sobs had quieted but tears still wet her cheeks and she wouldn't look at Alex.
"Sweet pea, please look at me. You're my partner. That means that I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me. If our situations were reversed, what would you do?" At this, Alex paused. She wanted to hear the answer from Olivia's own lips. Only then would she know what to do. It hurt that she couldn't convince the sad woman to look at her but, at last, Olivia began to speak.
"I would stay with you." Her voice was so soft Alex nearly couldn't make out the words but that didn't stop her heart from swelling with hope. She had already known the answer but hearing it aloud was powerful. Now she just had to convince Olivia that she deserved the same care. Finally the time was right; she tenderly coaxed Olivia back into her arms and pressed her head to her breast.
"I know you would. I'm just doing what I always knew I would do if the time came. I know that it gets hard sometimes but I don't mind and I don't blame you. I only want you to get better so that we can really live again. Together. I wish it could be different but I can't change it. I love you and I'll always be here for you. I want you know that. Do you believe me?"
Olivia hunched her shoulders, radiating shame and grief though she didn't pull away. "I want to, but…"
Alex tightened her embrace lovingly. She had to make Olivia believe. "Olivia, I want you to say it. I love you."
Her words were soft and ragged but Alex understood. "You love me."
"I won't leave you."
"You won't leave me."
"Whenever you're upset, I want you to remember what you just said. It's the same way I got through Wisconsin. Whenever I thought I'd go crazy, I'd just whisper those words to myself over and over until I could imagine you saying them." Tears of sympathy and understanding pricked at Alex's eyes and she snapped her jaw shut against them. She wouldn't let Olivia see her cry, not like this. She had to change the subject. The phone was ringing again but she ignored it. It was probably just another leech trying to harass Olivia into speaking with them. The noise seemed to reignite the fiery protectiveness that drove her and helped restore strength to her body.
"Come on, pumpkin. Let's go lie down for a while. It'll make both of us feel better." As she spoke, she stood and bent to help Olivia to her feet. Though she managed to stand with some help, Alex could see the exhaustion in every line of her wasted body. The chemo and the stress of Rominov's trial and this emotional outburst had left Olivia drawn and fragile but Alex knew what to do. Looping Olivia's arm around her neck, Alex swept her girlfriend carefully into her arms. Olivia stiffened for a fraction of a second before her tiredness won over her and she relaxed. The sensation of Olivia's cheek against her shoulder made Alex smile with deep relief. Maybe she was really helping. She picked her way across the glass-strewn floor and once again ignored the insistently ringing phone. If it was important, whoever it was could leave a message. Elliot certainly would. She could deal with the rest of the world later. Right now, Olivia was the only person she cared about. Very gently, she set Olivia on their bed just as the answering machine beeped and Elliot's voice blared into the empty kitchen.
"Hey Alex, Olivia. The jury came out. He's guilty on every count. He'll be in Rikers until sentencing on Friday. I'll… I'll stop by later to check on you. Bye." The machine beeped again and Alex turned to Olivia, a wide smile on her face. To her delight, Olivia was also smiling. Despite her wan complexion and red-rimmed eyes, the smile made her look beautiful. Alex loved that smile. Silently, she took one of Olivia's hands and pressed it flat on her chest, over her heart. She wanted to enjoy and remember this moment. All of the people who wanted to hurt them were gone. They were finally free to heal and start to live again.
Olivia raised her free hand and reached for Alex. Overwhelmed, Alex bent down and remained perfectly still as Olivia buried a hand in her hair. She had a million things she wanted to tell her but she didn't dare do anything to disturb Olivia. Alex had the delicious feeling that Olivia was about to take a big step. She was finally looking at her and the grief was almost gone from her expression. She looked at peace. Completely under Olivia's quiet spell, Alex yielded to Olivia's guiding hand and touched her girlfriend's lips with her own. She closed her eyes before tears overwhelmed her. She didn't want to do anything to ruin this moment. It belonged to Olivia.