Disclaimer: These characters belong to the creators of Glee; I only own Sophie, Karen and Lily
A/N: Woo this is a long chapter. The longest I've written for this story. I hope you enjoy the route I've taken with Alison, I doubt it what's most people are expecting. I hope you all enjoy, let me know whether you like it or not and as always, all mistakes are mine :)
Words (minus responses to reviews) – 8858
Chapter 36:
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? – William Shakespeare.
Every day is an ordinary day until the unexpected happens. When the unexpected happens, that ordinary, average day ends up being something completely different. Normally those are the days you end up remembering. Those are the days that end up permanently etched in the back of your mind. She's lived through a couple of days which started out like any other but didn't end that way. The day she lost her grandmother and the day Alison first kissed her being just two.
Today is just a normal day.
She woke up next to Alison like she has done so many times over the last two years and she acted out her daily routine like every other day.
They went shopping together and had the usual date night they always have whenever they manage to find time to be together.
Everything about today has been ordinary.
Sometimes it's the most ordinary things that end up being the scariest.
There is nothing unusual about the day, nothing which makes Quinn think, even for a second, that today is going to be one of those days she'll never be able to forget. No matter how much she wants to.
That's the upsetting thing about change; you don't often see it coming.
Instead, it hits you when you least expect it.
In hindsight, she really should have seen it coming. Rather than ignore all the little things, she should have paid attention to them but she dismissed them simply because she never dreamed that they would escalate. They were only small changes; they didn't necessarily mean anything by themselves but unfortunately, added together, little things sometimes have a nasty tendency to evolve into bigger things.
If she looks back, it's apparent that things started to change in her relationship after their first semester at university; their phone calls became less frequent, at least on Alison's part. Every time Quinn tried to arrange a time to visit Alison at university, her girlfriend seemed to miraculously create a plethora of hoops which she needed to jump through before she found any time to see Quinn.
Even this morning, Quinn woke up on her side of the bed rather than wrapped around Alison. Her normal sleeping position involves her sleeping behind Alison, with her arm wrapped tightly around her waist.
It's normally the only way she can sleep when sharing a bed. She doesn't like having too much space to herself.
Still, Quinn never thought anything of it.
She wasn't concerned when Alison stopped lighting up whenever she saw her, nor did she worry when on the few occasions she did visit Alison, the other girl always had to do some form of university work for the majority of their time together.
She didn't worry but she should have.
Their relationship, since the very beginning, has been rather unbalanced in certain aspects. Their feelings for one another are definitely unequal. Unfortunately, Quinn only realised that when it was too late. Quinn has been utterly in love with her, probably from the first time she laid eyes on her and even though Alison loves Quinn, her feelings have never been as strong.
When one person loves the other more, that's going to cause complications further down the line.
When one person loves the other more, one person is always going to hurt that little bit more.
"I can't do this anymore."
Quinn removes her eyes from the television and brings them to her girlfriend. The comment has come from nowhere since neither woman has spoken since they started watching The Green Mile. It's one of Quinn's favourite movies and since her girlfriend has never seen it, she decided to use their time together to educate her.
"You can't watch this film anymore?"
"No," Alison breathes out and Quinn reaches for the remote control, pausing the movie.
"Sorry, I didn't realise you weren't enjoying it. I know it's quite upsetting in parts but it is a fantastic movie."
Alison's eyes flutter shut at Quinn's naivety. "I'm not talking about the movie Quinn. I'm talking about us."
Her chest tightens the second after those words leave Alison's lips. It's only then she notices how far away Alison is. At the beginning of the film, they had been snuggled together on Alison's bed but now, her girlfriend couldn't be further away from her without actually falling off the bed.
When did she move away from her?
"Wha…what are you talking about?"
"The spark is gone."
"The spark is gone," Quinn repeats slowly. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Alison sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. "What do you think it means? When I look at you, I don't have that feeling Quinn."
She scratches the back of her head because she doesn't actually know what else to do. "Has this epiphany only just happened?"
"No."
"No," Quinn repeats once more. "Where is this coming from then? Everything was fine ten minutes ago, for fucks sake, we had sex this morning and now you're telling me the spark has gone. How can things go from great to terrible in less than half a day?"
"Just because we've had sex recently doesn't mean everything is great Quinn." Alison stands up with a heavy sigh. "Things haven't gone from great to terrible in that short a time. It's been longer than that. Things haven't been fine for a while now, we haven't been fine."
Quinn stands up furiously. "No, don't you dare do that. Don't imply I haven't been fine. Whatever is happening is on you, not me."
"I can't help the way I feel."
"So if things weren't great, what was this morning?"
Alison pinches the bridge of her nose. "You have no idea how long I've been hoping I could have those feelings again. I wanted to have them again Quinn."
She tugs her bottom lip between her teeth and feels the tears brimming in her eyes. "I don't understand. Ali –"
"You and I, we've been on this cycle. We started off as friends, then we dated and you became the one person I loved more than anything but now," she trails off, licking her lips slowly. "Quinn, when I look at you, I see you as a friend. Nothing more. It's like we're fifteen all over again. I'm sorry but I don't feel that rush of excitement whenever I see you."
"It can't have just disappeared."
"That's what I'm trying to explain to you, it hasn't just disappeared. I think this has been gradually happening for a while now, I just didn't notice until one day I looked at you and…"
"You didn't feel anything," Quinn answers for her in a broken voice. "Just because a spark has gone doesn't mean it can't come back. I mean, all couples go through this. You can't just give up. You have to try and reignite the spark."
"It's not going to come back, no matter what we try," Alison tells her quietly. "I think…I don't think we're going to work. I think we should break up."
Quinn's mood suddenly shifts from upset to angry and she scoffs harshly. "Do I not have a say in this?" She forces any tear which loiters in her eye away. She doesn't want to cry in front of Alison. "You say we should break up and I'm just supposed to accept that?"
"Sometimes things are beyond your control."
Quinn grabs her bag and starts forcefully shoving her clothes into it.
"What are you doing?"
Quinn ignores the question and continues collecting her scattered items which lay across Alison's dorm room. When she's satisfied she's collected everything, she throws the bag over her shoulder and walks towards the door.
Alison steps in front of her, blocking her path. "What are you doing Quinn?"
"Oh I'm sorry, did you expect me to stay and watch the end of the movie with you like a fucking happy couple?" Quinn spits ferociously and she actually causes Alison to flinch. "Get out of my way now before I do something I regret."
"I'm supposed to be driving you to the station."
Her eyes close quickly before she opens them again, hurt and anger lacing them. "I'd rather walk." She slips past Alison and opens the door, slamming it behind her once she's outside Alison's dorm room. She exhales heavily before resting against the door and sliding down until she hits the ground.
She's not managed to go too far away but she doesn't care. She finally allows the tears to fall, burying her head in her hands as her body is wracked with sobs.
In hindsight, she thinks about all the things she could have done to remain in control. What if she'd tried harder in the relationship? What if she had noticed all those little things? What if she could have changed what happened?
Devastatingly, the thing about hindsight is that all you have to fall back on is what ifs and that doesn't really provide you with any comfort.
Tall, dark and handsome.
Those words have become somewhat synonymous with a description of an attractive male. The individual traits are easy to understand, tall is obvious to explain. Most women prefer to date men who are taller than them. Handsome is just as obvious, women generally prefer men who are good looking. Now, dark, that can be explained in a few ways, dark skin, dark hair or a dark personality.
She finds it interesting how there is nothing similar to that used to describe an attractive woman. There aren't three individual traits which when put together seemingly create a perfect woman. It makes Rachel question what is generally considered most attractive in a woman. Is it her hair colour, her eye colour, her height, her weight, the size of her breasts, the way she smiles or the way she presents herself?
Ever since Quinn first showed interest in her, Rachel has tried to pinpoint what it was about her that first caught Quinn's eyes. The first thing which caught her eye about Quinn had actually been her hair, as boring as that sounds. She has to admit she's curious whether Quinn has a type and if so, what is it and how does she fit into it?
She doesn't have a type when it comes to choosing a partner. When it comes to men, she doesn't necessarily prefer the whole tall, dark and handsome thing. When it comes to women, the same can be applied. It really doesn't matter how tall they are or how much they weigh. What a person looks like isn't the most important factor for Rachel when she chooses a partner because what really matters is having somebody you can just be yourself with. Somebody you can curl up with and enjoy their company. If you want to be with somebody ten or twenty years down the line, it's your personalities that are going to be important.
Although it goes without saying that she does need to be attracted to the person.
Whenever she reads a novel, she creates her own image of the fictional characters based on the descriptions she's been given, as she imagines most people do. However, you don't need a description to conjure an image of somebody. Rachel's never seen Alison in photographs and neither Sophie nor Quinn have ever actually described her so she's had no other option but to paint her own picture of Alison using details she's created.
Now she's finally standing in front of Alison, it's safe to say her imagination does not match reality.
For some reason she imagined Alison to be blonde but she's not. Her dark brown locks are chopped haphazardly into a pixie cut which looks like she's done it herself yet somehow she manages to pull it off. She's wearing a pair of unfashionable glasses and has both a lip ring and a nose stud. She's certainly less clean cut than Rachel though but perhaps that's what attracted Quinn to her. Maybe Quinn likes a certain amount of rough in her partner. She expected Alison to be slim and tall like a model but instead, she's only slightly taller than Rachel and extremely curvy.
The worst thing for Rachel is that Alison is beautiful, even though it pains her to admit it.
However, no matter how visually stunning the woman is, it in no way excuses her earlier rudeness.
Alison is definitely attractive but Rachel wouldn't look twice at her, there's just something about her that Rachel doesn't like. She finds herself wondering what it was about Alison that Quinn first fell in love with.
Nobody's spoken for a good few minutes and even though Rachel feels a little bit like piggy in the middle, she doesn't dare move. She wants to know how Quinn is going to react but at the same time, she's worried. Judging by Quinn's face, she's too overwhelmed to do anything let alone speak.
"Long time no see Quinn."
Rachel turns her attention towards Alison once she breaks the silence before darting back towards Quinn.
"I suppose five and a half years can be considered a long time yeah." The sarcasm drips through Quinn's words. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Rachel flinches a little and wants to tell Quinn to avoid that kind of language but now doesn't seem like an appropriate time.
"It's a long story." Alison runs her fingers through her hair before glancing at Rachel. "A story I was hoping to tell you in private. I didn't realise we'd have an audience."
"I'm sorry my being here is an inconvenience for you," Rachel replies coolly. "However, I was here first and you cannot just drop in unannounced after years and expect to talk to Quinn."
"You're a little feisty aren't you?"
Rachel grits her teeth. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
Alison leans her head back, impressed by the woman's answer.
"As it happens Alison, your visit couldn't have come at a worse time, we were just about to head out."
"We're going to have to cancel our plans," Quinn tells Rachel but her eyes never leave Alison.
Rachel whips her head towards Quinn. "You're not actually going to have a conversation with her are you?"
"Quinn and I have a lot of history."
"Oh believe me, I am aware of what history you and Quinn have and it's not exactly all sunshine and rainbows. You won't be aware of this since you've been not been a significant feature in Quinn's life but Quinn and I share some history of our own."
Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose at the constant back and forth between her ex and Rachel. Not that she expected them to meet but she knew they wouldn't get along. In more ways than one, their personalities are too similar and that means they would only clash and cause friction.
Alison's features soften. "If now isn't the right time, I can come back."
Quinn steps closer to Rachel. "Would you mind giving us some space please?"
Rachel smiles triumphantly when she hears Quinn say those words but when the realisation dawns on her that Quinn is posing that question to her rather than Alison, her smile drops quickly.
"You want me to leave?"
"Come with me," Quinn whispers as she brushes past both women and heads to the front door, Rachel trailing unhappily behind her. When they reach the door, Quinn gestures with her head for Alison to step further away.
"I guess I'll go the bathroom then. Some jackass of a cab driver splashed me on the way here, you wouldn't have a towel I could borrow would you Quinn?"
"There's some in the bathroom. Help yourself." Quinn throws the reply over her shoulder. Once Alison is out of ear shot, Quinn grabs Rachel's hands. "I don't want you to leave, of course I don't. I just…I need to speak to Alison."
"You don't need to do anything Quinn," Rachel counters. "If I'm being honest, I'm not particularly overjoyed at the prospect of leaving you in the company of your ex-girlfriend. Perhaps it would be best if I stayed."
"Trust me; things are going to be uncomfortable enough without you staying too."
"So I'd just make things more uncomfortable."
"I didn't mean that." Quinn rubs her temple. "I just… I can't talk to my ex-girlfriend when my current one is here. That's like a recipe for how to overcomplicate a situation."
Rachel's eyes widen at Quinn's answer. From the look on Quinn's face, she doesn't realise what she's just said, she doesn't realise she's just classified what they are to each other. Rachel's stomach is doing somersaults and Quinn's oblivious.
"Nothing is going to happen between us," she whispers. "If that's what you're worried about."
"I am not worried." Rachel releases Quinn's hands and hesitates before speaking again. "If you really want me to leave, I will."
Quinn wraps her fingers around Rachel's wrist and tugs her closer. "Don't say it like that."
Alison appears from the bathroom to find the two women still animatedly talking. They stop the minute they see her. "You know I don't think I'm completely dry yet, I'll just…carry on."
Rachel waits until Alison has vanished once more before speaking.
"Quinn, it's fine, I understand."
Quinn brushes a strand of Rachel's hair out of her eyes before leaning forward and brushing her lips against Rachel's. It's only a whisper of a kiss but no matter how slight, it sets Rachel's sense alight. Quinn cups her cheek before kissing the other woman once more. This kiss is more than a whisper and instinctively, Rachel presses her lips harder against Quinn's.
When they break apart, Rachel traces her finger across her lips. She sighs contentedly before opening the door. "You know how you said you're not the same person you used to be."
"Yeah."
"Don't let her change you back."
Quinn doesn't have a chance to tell her she won't as Rachel closes the door immediately. The sound of the door slamming causes Alison to emerge from the bathroom for the second time and she rests against the wall, crossing her arms.
"Looks wise, I wouldn't have said she'd be your type. Personality wise, now that I can understand."
"Let's get one thing clear, if we're going to have a conversation, you are not allowed to talk about her. She is nothing to do with you. Are we clear?"
"Have I touched a nerve?"
Quinn shakes her head before resting her back against the door, as far away from Alison as possible. "What are you doing here?"
"I see you still don't beat around the bush," Alison points out. "I've always liked that about you."
"Just answer the question."
"I'm in New York for a week on business and I thought I'd pop in and say hello."
Quinn scoffs loudly. "You thought you'd pop in and say hello?" She repeats incredulously. "It has been years since you broke up with me. I haven't heard a single word from you since and you just thought you'd come and say hello."
"Last time I checked, saying hello to an ex-girlfriend and old friend isn't a crime."
"Maybe not but I know you and I know it's not the truth either."
"The whole time I was on the plane from Seattle -"
"Since when have you lived in Seattle?" Quinn can't help but interrupt. She presumed Alison would have stayed in Los Angeles after university; she had been so desperate to move there in the first place.
"A couple of years now," Alison replies before unbuttoning her coat. "I was offered a job there and it was too good a deal to turn down." She shrugs her coat off her shoulders. "I have to admit I thought you might be a little happier to see me. I mean I was looking forward to seeing you. Maybe I came at the wrong time."
"Trust me; it wouldn't have mattered when you showed up." Quinn clenches her fists subconsciously. "Did you expect me to do cartwheels or something Alison? The last time we met didn't exactly end on good terms. Can you blame me for being a little bit stand-offish?"
"No, I suppose not. You've always had a habit of putting up walls because it's easier for you. I knew you wouldn't run into my arms or anything corny like that. It's obvious this has the potential to be an uncomfortable reunion." Alison finally steps away from the wall and walks towards the kitchen counter, sitting on one of the bar stools. "I don't remember you being a hostile person."
"Heartbreak will do that to you."
"For what it's worth, I am sorry about what happened to us." Alison crosses her legs, her eyes trained on Quinn. "You know, after we broke up, I almost called you so many times."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because no matter how much I was missing you and how compelled I felt to talk to you, to make sure you were okay, I knew breaking up had been the right thing to do but you didn't feel like that. You wouldn't have wanted to speak to me. Sometimes when people are hurt, leaving them alone is the best thing you can do."
Rachel's said the same thing to her. It would be best to just leave Sophie alone for the time being but that's easier than done.
"I think if you leave people alone, you run the risk of making things worse."
"I suppose that's a chance you have to take."
Quinn walks towards Alison and sits beside her, spinning her stool around so her knees brush Alison's. For the first time, she lets herself take in her ex-girlfriend's appearance. It's almost as if no time has passed because looking at Alison, she's still that eighteen year old Quinn loved. Quinn's reminded of their time together, cuddling in bed, walking through Central Park hand in hand, lazy Sunday mornings with one another and meeting each other's parents.
It's amazing how her two year relationship has now been minimalized into mere snapshots.
"You look the same as ever."
"So do you," Alison counters before smirking. "You've lost the pink streak in your hair though. I always loved that. It's one of the few rebellious things you ever did."
"I guess I wasn't as comfortable with rebellion as you were." Quinn glances at Alison's lip ring and nose stud. "Do you still have your –" As if reading Quinn's mind, Alison sticks her tongue out to show off her tongue stud. "Do you ever just want to get rid of it all?"
"Sometimes but they're part of me now. I'd feel naked without them."
Quinn runs her fingers through her hair. "What do you do for work?"
Alison raises her eyebrow at the mundane question but answers it regardless. "I'm in advertising. That's why I'm here; I've got a meeting tomorrow with a potential new client."
"Are your bosses okay with the whole piercing thing?"
"We're a very liberal company; differences should be embraced rather than hidden. As long as you can do your job well, they really don't care what you look like or what you do in your spare time," Alison tells her, subconsciously touching her nose stud. "What do you do?"
"I'm in the newspaper industry."
"You've finally made it in the writing business then." Alison beams at her. "I'm proud of you Q."
"I'm only on the first rung of the ladder," Quinn corrects. "It's a start though."
Silence falls over the two women once more and it surprises Quinn it isn't actually too awkward.
"So, how long have you and Rachel been together?"
Quinn shakes her head. "I thought I told you not to mention her."
"Sorry, I di–"
"Hold on one second," Quinn interrupts rapidly. "How do you know her name?" I didn't tell you she was called Rachel."
"This is a classic case of foot in mouth. I've always struggled with that, I need to learn to think before speaking."
"Alison!"
"Oh yeah, how did I know she was called Rachel," Alison mumbles quietly. "Well I will admit I'm not sitting in your apartment solely because I wanted to say hello."
"Then what do you want?"
She can't help it, a series of answers rush through her mind. 'I want you back Quinn'; 'I want to be back in your life'; 'I want you'. Granted they're all in the same region. Yet none of these answers fall from the woman's lips. Instead it's a revelation she would never have guessed in a million years.
"I had an extremely interesting conversation with an upset Sophie the other night.
"You still talk to Sophie?"
"Not really."
Quinn sighs through frustration. "How about you actually give me an explanation rather than more misleading statements?"
"Remember when we were dating, my granddad fell ill?" Quinn bobs her head. "Well he never completely recovered and he died a few months ago. Sophie called me because she wanted to offer her condolences. Her mom had heard from my mom, you know how much those two have always loved to talk. They could break records."
Quinn closes her eyes; Alison's granddad was an amazing person. He was the only person in Alison's family who ever actually liked Quinn. She has to admit, she's staggered Sophie never told her this. "I'm sorry Ali, I didn't know."
"Thank you," Alison replies gratefully. "That's the first time I've spoken to her since you and I started dating. It was brief and full of pleasantries, 'how are you', 'what do you do', you get the gist. We probably talked for about five minutes on a whole."
"How long ago was this?"
Alison raises her eyebrow. "September. That was the first and last time we spoke. Then suddenly, completely out of the blue, she called me the other night."
"What exactly did she have to say?"
"Well she was crying and babbling incoherently so I couldn't actually understand about ninety per cent of what she was saying but I did manage to make out her relationship with a girl called Rachel was over and you were to blame."
"Partly to blame," Quinn corrects. "I'm not the only person at fault here even if Sophie thinks I am."
"Come on Q, I know from experience how convincing you can be when you want something, or should I say somebody," Alison tells her. "I mean, you stole my heart from underneath Sophie's nose. Now you've stolen her new girlfriend's heart. You have to admit you're starting to follow a pattern here."
It's not said with any malice like it would be from Sophie's point of view; Alison's just stating the facts.
"I didn't steal anybody's heart," Quinn defends because she doesn't like that phrase. "Nothing I ever did with you or Rachel was by force, I never made either of you do something you didn't want. I didn't do anything by choice either. Do you honestly think if I had the choice, I'd have picked two unavailable girls? You can't help who you fall for."
"I understand that."
"I'm still not caught up. Sophie called you and what? Did she ask you to come?"
"No, not necessarily anyway; she just kind of let the suggestion hang in the air. I don't know what's happened but it's obvious to me from that short conversation and mumbled words that she is still very much in love with this Rachel. I think she'll stoop to any lengths to get her back."
"I should have known she wouldn't let things lie."
"Would you? If you just lost the love of your life, would you just let things lie?"
Quinn raises her gaze to meet Alison's. "I did with you."
Alison's tongue darts out to lick her lips. "You know, I don't want to sound big-headed or arrogant but I half expected you to fight for me."
"I didn't see the point," Quinn explains. "You made it pretty clear you didn't want to be with me, why bother fighting for something that only one person wants?" She closes her eyes and can't help but think that's what Sophie should do.
Of course she knows it won't be easy, she had to stop herself several times from calling Alison or giving into her urges and visiting her. She knows that's how Sophie is feeling now.
"Some people just don't want to give up."
"You do realise you're just a pawn in whatever game Sophie's playing. I hate to break it to you but you've had a wasted trip Alison because if Sophie or you think anything is going to happen, you're wrong. I'm happy now, for the first time in a long time. I'm not going to do anything to fuck that up."
Alison's hand is suddenly on her thigh, just above her knee but it's nothing more than a friendly gesture. As Alison touches her for the first time in years, Quinn's left eye starts twitching.
"You still have that adorable twitch I see."
"It's not as prominent anymore."
"I have to be honest; I didn't just come here because Sophie wanted me to."
"No," Quinn breathes out. "You have business here too."
"I've missed you. I've missed having somebody to call when there's a spider in my bedroom." Quinn chuckles dryly. "I've missed how passionate you are about something you love. Sophie calling me just gave me the push I needed to come and see you."
Alison's hand moves from Quinn's thigh to cup her cheek and in spite of herself, Quinn finds her eyes fluttering shut at the contact. God she has missed Alison. Every fibre in her being is telling her to put some distance between them but she can't move. She's frozen. Alison has always had this level of control over her. "How is it possible that you haven't changed Quinn?"
"I have changed Alison. If you think I'm going to let you come into my home and disrupt my life, my happiness, you can think again."
She doesn't know why she expects Alison to look hurt, maybe because she wants to imagine that after all these years, she has the ability to hurt Alison like Alison hurt her. Instead, Alison smiles genuinely. "I'm not trying to disrupt your life Quinn, far from it. I don't know why you're looking at me like I'm the big bad wolf, you know me. I'm not like that."
"Sorry."
"Sophie doesn't realise how much you love Rachel does she?"
"I wouldn't know. She isn't exactly willing to talk to me. You've had a longer conversation with her than I am, why don't you tell me."
Alison cocks her head to the side. "I think she believes it's a fling that's going to run its course. I think she wanted me to come because she hoped if we saw each other again, we'd want each other back and that if I offered to kiss you, you wouldn't be able to resist."
"If you offered? I don't need your pity Alison; I've done fine without you. I don't need you to do me any favours."
"At what point have I actually tried to kiss you Q, I'm happily in a relationship."
"I'm sorry, you're what?"
"I'm dating somebody; I have been for three years. I've not been lying to you Quinn; I did want to see you. I have missed you. You went from being such a huge part of my life to being nothing."
"Whose fault is that?"
"My biggest regret is that we didn't remain friends," Alison confesses through a low whisper. "When we broke up, I didn't want to lose you completely from my life. I hoped we could go back to being friends. I should have realised that wasn't going to happen."
Quinn closes her eyes slowly before voicing the one question that's been plaguing her mind for years. "Did you really break up with me because the spark had gone or was there some other reason?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know, did I do something?"
Alison shakes her head slowly. "You were perfect Quinn; I just didn't love you anymore. I wish I did When I realised I was no longer feeling the same way I used to, I started making excuses so we wouldn't have to see each other. I never did anything out of malice; I just needed to prepare myself. I wanted to give it time to see if I could fall back in love with you."
She hates herself for it but a tear slips down Quinn's cheek. At least Alison has the good grace to not bring attention to it.
"Does Sophie know you're dating somebody?"
"No," Alison tells her. "Why should she? We've only spoken twice. She only called me because she's lashing out. I think Sophie still believes she has a chance of winning Rachel back and that my appearance is only going to make that happen quicker."
"She's wrong."
"You know Sophie, when she dates somebody; she puts her whole heart into things. She's not just going to let Rachel go without a fight."
"Well if she wants a fight, I can give her that."
"I don't think that's how you should handle this Quinn; I think you and Sophie just need to have a civil conversation. Maybe then she'll see what I see."
"Which is what?"
"That you're utterly smitten with Rachel and from my brief encounter with her, she seems to feel the same way. It's nice to see you happy Quinn." Alison smiles warmly and it still manages to make Quinn's stomach flip. "How about we have a cup of coffee?"
"I'm sorry?"
"We could make it a cup of tea if you'd prefer. Although to be honest, I am in dire need of my morning caffeine. I am completely useless without it. Speaking of which, you'll have to apologise to Rachel for me."
Quinn frowns. "Why? What did you do?"
"I didn't make the best first impression; I was a bit rude to her."
"You what? Why?"
"Come on Q, you know I'm awful in the mornings, everybody is my enemy. Plus that cab driver really turned my mood sour." Alison tilts her head to the side. "So should I switch on the kettle or would you rather I left?"
Quinn scratches a non-existent itch above her eyebrow.
"You can switch the kettle on."
After leaving Quinn's, she wasn't sure entirely where to go. She didn't really want to go back to her apartment in case she bumped into Kurt, or even worse Kurt and Blaine. Their relationship appears to have hit a sort of rut and as a result, they're now living vicariously through her. She doesn't really want to have to explain everything to them, even though they'll appreciate the gossip. She can't go to Brittany and Santana's because they're finally heading off on their honeymoon later today after a week of acting as go-betweens for everybody.
Whereas Brittany was content to stay and help her friends a little longer, Rachel could tell Santana just wanted to get away and forget everybody else's problems for a couple of weeks.
She wandered aimlessly for probably a good half an hour before she found herself in Central Park. It's always been one of her favourite haunts in New York City. She adores everything about it, the size of it and how it is always filled with people, no matter what time of day.
At Central Park, you're never alone.
She's always found a distinct level of fascination in people watching. She has been known to sit in coffee shops for hours and just survey the crowds of people entering and exiting the shop. Right now she's sitting on a bench, watching a person sitting on a bench further in the park. The man is burying his head in his hands and she can't help but wonder what problems he's trying to escape.
She's been sitting here for less than ten minutes when she hears somebody sit down beside her. Normally she'd find this rather strange because it's unusual for somebody to sit directly beside a stranger, unless you have no respect whatsoever for personal boundaries. Most people habitually ensure there's space, the further away the better. When she looks up, she finds herself staring at a very familiar face.
"Sophie?"
"I would have asked if you minded but I think we're past formalities and politeness."
"I disagree; I doubt anybody is ever past being polite Sophie. Good manners cost nothing." In spite of herself, Sophie cracks a smile. "How are you?"
"Seriously? Please don't ask me that."
"I apologise. I just…well I wanted to know how you're dealing with everything. Obviously things are difficult but –"
"Difficult is a little bit of an understatement don't you think?"
"You're right; I should have chosen a more appropriate word."
Sophie curls some of her hair behind her ear. "So why are you sitting on a park bench alone just after midday?"
"I wanted some fresh air. I thought it might help to clear my head. Why are you here?"
"I'm enjoying my last day of Easter vacation," Sophie tells her. "We used to meet here whenever we both had a spare hour, I guess I haven't quite broken out of that routine. I'm just one person light now."
"I am still here for those spare hours," Rachel assures quietly. "As a friend of course."
"That's not what I want from you Rachel."
"It's all I can offer you though. As hard as it may be to grasp, our relationship is over."
"I understand that Rachel, don't patronise me."
"I wasn't," Rachel defends. "If I'm being honest, I think our relationship was on the rocks even before I met Quinn. Just neither of us wanted to admit it."
"I don't believe that."
"Even if you don't believe it Sophie, you have to admit we became too content in our relationship."
"Since when is being content a bad thing?"
"It's not. Being comfortable in a relationship is all well and good but when that's all you are, it's no longer a good thing." Rachel rubs the back of her neck. "Our relationship lacked a certain something. Spontaneity, excitement, I don't know what but something was missing. The absence of that caused the spark we initially had when we first met to gradually dissipate."
"It dissipated for you."
Silence falls over the two women before Rachel clears her throat. "Alison's here." She's not entirely sure why she's just blurted that little nugget of information out but she truly believes Sophie should be aware her first love is back in the state. When Sophie doesn't so much as flinch, Rachel cocks her head to the side in confusion. "I have to admit I thought you'd have more of a reaction than that. Quinn was flabbergasted whereas you look completely indifferent to the news. Are you not at all surprised?"
"I called her so I presumed she'd come."
"I'm sorry, you did what? What on earth would possess you to call up not only your first love but also Quinn's?"
"One thing you'll learn about Quinn is that she knows exactly which points to attack. It's one of her talents. I'd advise you not to argue with her because she certainly knows how to hurt a person. She forgets that I know how to hurt her too."
"You called Alison because you wanted to hurt Quinn? Is this some sort of revenge Sophie?"
"Well you know what they say, an eye for an eye."
"That is not a good philosophy to follow," Rachel chastises. "An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. Ghandi's words, not mine. Revenge often only makes things worse."
"Maybe that's true but it offers a significant amount of comfort."
"I know you Sophie; you're not a spiteful or vindictive person. You wouldn't say boo to a ghost."
"And where has that got me in life?" Sophie spits. "People just walk all over me. I lost Alison and then you cheated on me. Clearly being me isn't working out too well; maybe it's about time I changed who I am."
"I like who you are."
"Not enough."
"Why did you call her Sophie?"
"Why did you do what you do?"
Rachel licks her lips, okay; she can indulge in a little quid pro quo. "We've discussed this, I couldn't help myself. Quinn, she just felt so inevitable to me that no matter how hard I tried to stay away, how much I wanted to, I couldn't. I fell in love with Quinn."
Sophie closes her eyes at the answer and for a second, Rachel doesn't think she's going to receive an answer to her question. "Do you know what the hardest thing for me is right now? It's not the fact you cheated and it isn't the fact that the person you slept with was Quinn although they certainly sting; it's the knowledge that you and her are happy. It's that Quinn can make you feel something I couldn't, she can make you happy. I thought it would help me cope if I knew others were hurt too." She brushes some hair out of her eyes. "Alison had a family bereavement a few months ago so I called her to see how she was. Her number is still stored in my cell phone. The other day I was distressed and I needed to talk to somebody, anybody. I saw her number and I just…I pressed dial."
"Sophie, you are messing with people's feelings, this isn't fair."
"How about you and I don't sit here and discuss what's fair and what's not?"
"I suppose that is a little pot calling the kettle back on my part, I've not exactly been fair to you."
"I'm guessing since you're sitting here, Quinn chose Alison over you. Am I right?" Rachel doesn't answer verbally but her silence says everything Sophie needs to know. "I'm not trying to hurt you," Sophie whispers, ducking her head nervously. "I have never wanted to hurt you."
"If you hurt Quinn, you are going to hurt me."
Sophie shakes her head. "I just want to show you that Quinn is not the right person for you. She is just going to wind up hurting you. I mean how long was it before she asked you to leave her and Alison alone. Five minutes, less?"
"I know you hate the thought of us and you hate what happened but I can assure you that Quinn is the right person for me."
"I find that funny because a couple of months ago, I was the right person for you. You seem to pick and choose people at a whim."
"I thought you were but –" She trails off, unsure how to end that sentence without adding unnecessary hurt. "You know I wish you were. I wish things had never escalated the way they did. Everything would have been much simpler."
"No offence but what you wish for isn't really much help to me right now."
"You're angry, that's obvious and I know you probably hate both Quinn and I for what we've done but holding grudges is no way to live a life. You're never going to be happy if you insist on dwelling in the past."
"I am aware of that," Sophie shouts before whispering a hushed apology. "Don't you think I want to forget and move on? Do you think it's easy for me to just ignore how I feel about you? I can't just flip a switch and not love you anymore. It doesn't work like that. It's the same with Quinn and I hate it. If I could, trust me, I'd do it in a heartbeat because I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel worthless."
"You are not worthless; please don't ever say that again."
"Do you know what the saddest thing is? After everything she's done; part of me still loves Quinn. Just like part of me is still in love with you. Those feelings aren't just going to disappear because you both hurt me."
"Quinn still loves you too," Rachel replies carefully, not wanting to anger Sophie. "I appreciate it's not easy to forget how you feel about somebody and obviously I don't expect you too. I just want you to say you'll try."
"Do you regret what happened?" Sophie asks meekly, afraid of the answer. "Even if it's only for a second, do you regret what you did?"
Rachel remains silent for several seconds before replying. "Yes," she tells her honestly. "But you have to understand, even if Quinn had never been in the picture, you and I would not have had a happy ending. We just weren't right for each other."
"And Quinn did the decent thing and helped you realise that."
"Sophie, I kissed her first," Rachel admits. "You want to blame Quinn but you have to blame me as well. You can't just place all the culpability on Quinn. I am so deeply sorry for what happened but you shouldn't have invited Alison to come. Do you realise how much that's going to hurt Quinn?"
"Don't you think I know that?" Sophie whispers. "You know, when I woke up and realise who I'd called, what I'd done, I had a half a mind to call her back and tell her to ignore everything I said."
"Then why didn't you?"
"Because deep down, part of me still wanted Quinn to feel an ounce of how I'm feeling." She crosses her legs slowly. "I went to see you the other night; I wanted to talk to you. I was sat outside your apartment block and I saw Quinn enter. I just saw a red mist. I was upset and livid Rachel. I'll admit calling Alison was a mistake but like you, I can't take it back."
"At least you admit it was a mistake. Well whatever you hoped to achieve, you won't," Rachel informs her. "Quinn doesn't like Alison anymore, she's in her past."
For a second, Sophie allows herself to remember what happened with Alison and how her past with Quinn is now being repeated. "That's the funny thing about the past Rachel; it has ways of resurfacing." She stands up rapidly and starts walking away from her but when Rachel calls after her, she stops and turns around.
"Did you call Alison because you hoped Quinn would want her again?"
"Honestly, yes."
"Do you think she would?"
Rachel's voice is the picture of fragility. She could say yes and hurt Rachel that little bit more but like she said, she never wanted to hurt Rachel.
"You shouldn't be asking me, it turns out I don't know Quinn as well as I thought I did." She starts walking once more before pausing. Only this time she doesn't turn around. "Quinn was devastated when Alison broke up with her. I don't think she wants to feel like that again."
"What does that mean?" Rachel asks. "Is that a yes or a no?"
"Quinn would be stupid to hurt you." Sophie swallows and fights back tears. "She's not stupid."
With that, she disappears into the distance.
Rachel takes a deep breath and tries to compose herself before knocking on the door. Quinn called her about half an hour ago and said she could come back if she wanted or they could leave it for today if she preferred. Rachel replied rather too eagerly that she would come back. She's unsure why but Sophie's statement about how Quinn isn't stupid gives Rachel hope for the first time that Sophie might be able to move on and perhaps forgive both her and Quinn.
Sophie may have provided her with added reassurance but she already knows Quinn wouldn't jeopardise what they have over Alison, the girl who broke her heart.
She knows that.
It still doesn't stop her feeling a tad sick.
Quinn opens the door seconds after the knock and offers a silent invitation for her to come inside.
Rachel steps inside and closes the door behind her. She scans the apartment, checking to see whether Alison is here or not.
"She's gone, don't worry," Quinn tells her, answering Rachel's unasked question.
"When did she leave?"
Quinn shrugs slowly. "Just before I called you."
"I'm sorry, I swore I wasn't going to mention this but you dated that woman? I'm having difficulty even imagining you dating her, let alone being head over heels in love with her." Rachel removes her jacket and places it on the back of the couch. "What did you and Sophie see in her?"
"I can't speak for Sophie."
"Well what did you see in her?"
Quinn shrugs. "I can't really put it into words but she was the first person who made me want a relationship. When I was with her, everything just seemed to fall into place and it felt right."
"Has she always been that rude?"
"She has a bitchy side to her but it only normally comes out three times. When you're arguing with her, when she's drunk, or in the morning before she's had a dose of coffee," Quinn explains. "She's always grumpy in the morning; it was probably one of the only things I didn't like about her. She did tell me to apologise for her behaviour. She's not as bad as you think."
Rachel rolls her eyes. "I suppose I'll have to take your word for that since we won't be seeing her again."
"I wouldn't exactly say that, she's in New York for a week."
"So you want to see her again?" Quinn doesn't answer the question and Rachel doesn't push it. "What exactly did she have to say? Did she upset you?"
"No," Quinn breathes out.
"Are you okay?"
"I never saw our break up coming. I didn't see today coming either. So no, I'm not really okay. I am completely blindsided."
"I'd be worried if you weren't."
"Sophie called her. That's why she's here."
"I know, I bumped into her earlier and she explained everything to me."
"What did she hope to achieve? Did she expect me to cheat on you?" Quinn asks incredulously.
"She wanted to hurt you," Rachel clarifies.
"I had no idea she could be so incredibly vindictive. She hides her bad traits quite well."
Rachel tilts her head to the side. "If it makes you feel better, she regrets calling her."
Quinn scoffs. "That doesn't really mean anything to me right now."
"Sophie's just lashing out Quinn."
"Why are you defending her Rachel?" Quinn spits. "I know we hurt her but that doesn't mean she has the right to dredge up the past and it certainly doesn't mean she can throw Alison back into the mix. She knows how much that will affect me."
"That's why she called Alison," Rachel tells her, undeterred by Quinn's slight anger. "She knew it would hurt you," Rachel repeats.
"Hurt me? It's angered me more than anything else," Quinn explains quickly. "You know I'm not even mad at Alison, I'm mad at Sophie. I'm furious. She knows that I would have given up everything if Alison wanted me back, she's always known that."
Rachel blanches. "You'd give up everything?"
Quinn either ignores the question or doesn't hear it. "Do you know how long I've imagined Alison coming back into my life and telling me she made a mistake, telling me she wanted to give things another go?" Quinn sighs lightly. "Ever since she broke up with me, I have wanted her to come back and said she still wanted me."
Rachel swallows nervously. "Did she say that today?"
"No."
"I thou –"
"She said she missed me."
Rachel blinks quickly, processing that announcement. Her stomach flips uncomfortably. "She said she missed you?"
"I've always wondered what it would be like to have Alison as my girlfriend again but today, I don't know, today was the first time I stopped thinking like that."
"Why?"
"By the end, we were chatting like old friends. It felt really good Rachel, it reminded me just how much I've missed her in my life," Quinn continues. "Her coming here today, it didn't achieve what Sophie wanted. It actually gave me some closure."
"Still, it must have been difficult to see her again after all these years. She's your first love; you must still have all those feelings bubbling away under the surface. I can personally admit I still have feelings for my first love."
"Yeah, you're right; I will always have feelings for her but those feelings are buried. Part of me has been living in the past with regards to Alison. I've never fully let her go if that makes sense."
"And you have now?"
Quinn nods. "I'm grateful for her coming today actually."
"Why?"
"Rather than cause problems between you and I, her appearance merely solidified what I already know." Quinn cups Rachel's cheek and grins widely. "You are all I want Rachel Berry."
A/N 2: At least this way, Alison can come back. Plus, Quinn and Sophie wouldn't have dated a complete and utter bitch.
Guest – Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Don't worry, I think that's the last cliff-hanger for a while, if not ever. You're welcome, glad you love the story!
Gleelover47 - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) You're not actually getting jealous Rachel this time around, more like annoyed Rachel. Would I let Quinn do something stupid to jeopardise her relationship with Rachel? Thank you very much!
Guest - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Thank you, I take that as a compliment even though it's not something to be proud of haha. The happy part will come. You don't need to wait too much longer. Trust me. This chapter wasn't filled with as much drama as people expected. That's just Quinn; it's got nothing to do with Rachel. She just doesn't talk about her feelings.
Lealover - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Haha, I don't think you'll be calling me an evil little tease again :P I can't imagine any more cliff-hangers in this story. That's not to say one won't crop up. At least you didn't have to sulk for a long time. Nah, I didn't want to make Alison a horrible character. You're right, she's hurt Quinn enough. I can understand if you lose sympathy with Sophie but I'll always defend her because she's my own character. Of course there will be a happy ending :) I really want to take my dad to see the Grand Canyon because it's something he's always wanted to see. I just don't have the money haha. Oh really, what was wrong with LA?
Alisha - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) I hope you're relieved then that Alison actually came in peace and Quinn told her in no uncertain terms she loves Rachel. Quinn did say she only wanted Rachel, it's not love but she'll say that soon.
A - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) You guess correctly. Haha, Sophie is hurt and lashing out. She's not mean. Hurt can make people do strange things. You guess wrong this time haha, not a lot more drama. Just the usual Sophie/Quinn/Rachel drama. I'm glad you find them cute and Karen funny. I'm tempted to keep Karen as a regular chapter in all my stories now.
Guest - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) This update came a lot quicker than past ones have come so this was as quickly as I could manage. Sophie's in the park with Rachel haha.
Polux - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Quinn's life is just a series of unfortunate events haha. Just when she thinks she's got over one hurdle, another one appears. Thank you very much! This chapter didn't take as long at all, hopefully the wait for this one was okay.
Omg - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Haha is too much a bad thing or a good thing? I don't know, it just comes to me in waves. Thank you, I'm glad you thought bringing Alison in was the right thing. Rachel's not going to give up on Quinn and no, Alison isn't plotting against Quinn/Rachel with Sophie. Don't worry :)
Guest - Thanks for reading and reviewing :) I will constantly apologise for the wait between updates. I don't like leaving it so long just as much as you probably don't. I fully understand your concern but when I finish a chapter, I don't know how long it's going to be before I can update again. It's not like I do it knowing full well the next update will take a month or longer. I hope you didn't find this wait too bad. It's only been twelve days this time.
It's interesting you find Quinn disappointing. In her defence, she has tried to talk to Sophie several times but Sophie won't listen to her. She ran away at the wedding because that's what she does. As far as not talking goes, she's not a very open person. Whereas Rachel prefers to share things, Quinn keeps everything bottled up. I mean, she never told anybody what really happened between her and Alison except Rachel. She'll share when she's ready. I think Quinn has reassured Rachel a few times but Rachel still has doubts. I suppose you're right, some of Quinn's actions are counterproductive to what she says. Alison's appearance is going to strengthen their relationship. She was never going to cause trouble.