Chapter Thirty-Six: Two Lost Souls Swimming In A Fish Bowl
September 12th, 1987
"Xyloto."
Hands reached out and shook the snoring body. Xyloto rolled over, and the voice grew more urgent. "Xyloto. Xyloto."
"Whatisit?" Xyloto mumbled, blinking open his left eye (the right one was buried in a pillow) to see Mylo standing on shaking legs, hunched over her belly. "Mylo… what are you doing out of bed?"
"It's the baby," she whispered, and then- "Oh, God dammit," as a contraction passed through her body. Xyloto was instantly alert and on his feet, grabbing hold of his plump wife. "Mylo! Come on, we need to get you to the hospital!"
In a few moments, Mylo, Xyloto, Mr. and Mrs. Berryman, and Eva Pinkerton were all crowded into one car, Xyloto driving, his foot slammed down on the gas pedal. Mylo was in the backseat, sandwiched between her parents and moaning. "Hurry, Xyloto… It hurts so badly…"
"I can't go any faster!" Xyloto cried. "Once we hit the city, there'll be traffic…"
"FUCK," Mylo shouted, using a word that Xyloto hadn't heard her use in a long time. Beside him in the passenger's seat, Eva spoke up. "Is Mylo going to die?"
"Hell, no," Xyloto muttered tensely. "Why do you keep asking stuff like that?"
"I'm cuuuuurious," Eva sang. Then- "Look out, Xyloto! Look at all those flashing lights!"
Xyloto groaned, slamming his head down on the steering wheel. The "flashing lights" were coming from the steady stream of cars in front of him, leading out of the city. None of them were moving- presumably a crash had occurred, creating a line of cars that stretched half a mile. Xyloto wanted to murder someone.
"No!" Mylo exclaimed. "I am NOT giving birth in the back of a car!"
"Hold on," her mother said, squeezing her hand tightly. "We'll make it to the hospital. Don't worry."
"Fuck Suffragette City," Xyloto growled. The cars behind him began to honk, and he rolled down the window to flip the bird at them. Eva laughed in her car seat. "Xyloto's being a bad boy!"
"Xyloto," Mylo moaned. "Xyloto, I want you back here…"
"Screw this, we're getting out of here," Xyloto muttered, putting the car into park and unbuckling his seatbelt. He opened the driver's door and dashed about to the backseat, opening the door. "Mylo, come out here with me! We're going back to the house."
"I don't think I can make it," she whispered, tears gleaming in her eyes. Another contraction passed, and Mylo shrieked in pain before grabbing hold of Xyloto's hands and yanking him into the car. "Xyloto, oh God, I can't do this…"
"Yes you can!" Xyloto insisted, and Mrs. Berryman added her agreement. "I went through this to have you, Mylo. You can do this. I know you can."
"Well, get her out of the car!" Mr. Berryman snapped. "We're not going anywhere right now!" The cars behind continued to honk. Mr. Berryman stepped out of the car in order to make room for Mylo, who slid out and fell trembling against Xyloto's arms. "Xyloto- it hurts, it hurts, it hurts…"
"Where do you prefer giving birth- the back of the car or a ditch?" Xyloto asked his wife.
"How about neither?" Mr. Berryman suggested testily. "We'll carry her back home."
"And leave the car?" Xyloto stated, incredulous. Cars were hard to come by these days.
"No, of course we're not leaving the fucking car! Patricia can stay here with Eva. We need to get my daughter home!" With that, Mr. Berryman scooped Mylo up in his arms, and Xyloto hurriedly repeated the plan to Mrs. Berryman and Eva. "Try to get the hell out of this traffic jam. Looks like it might take a long time, so you might not get to see your daughter give birth. I'm sorry…"
"It's okay," Mrs. Berryman said. "It means more to me that Mylo gets somewhere safe and sound." She kissed Xyloto's cheek. "Enjoy becoming a father."
"Thank you," Xyloto said before slamming the door and rushing back to Mylo and her father. "Okay! No talking, let's just get out of here!" They began to run, Mylo wailing all the way.
As it turned out, the baby couldn't wait for Mylo, Xyloto, and Mr. Berryman to return to their home. Mr. Berryman, feeling the way Mylo's contractions began to come more quickly, suddenly stopped dead in the middle of a deserted parking lot. "Mylo, it's coming," he whispered in as calm a voice as he could have. "I'm sorry it has to be here, honey…"
"Whatever!" Xyloto shouted. "Just lay her down." The two men helped set the groaning Mylo down on the asphalt, where Xyloto undressed her, fully prepared to deliver his own child. Mylo pounded on the ground with her fists. "How do I know what to do?!"
"Just follow my instructions," Mr. Berryman said, kneeling on the ground and taking his daughter's hand. "Breathe…"
Together they waited. Every cry of pain that came out of Mylo's mouth was like the twist of a knife, cutting into Xyloto's side. He wanted to hurt whoever was torturing her like this, but remembered that it was his own son or daughter who was causing the problem, and felt useless. "I love you, Mylo," he whispered continually, in an attempt to keep her spirits up. "I love you- don't forget that…"
Finally, finally Mr. Berryman gave the crucial instruction- "PUSH!" In a few minutes, Xyloto sat frozen with shock as a small red blob slid out of Mylo's body. He reached out automatically and pulled the baby gently, bringing it into his arms. Mr. Berryman stood by to cut the umbilical cord like a professional doctor (Xyloto wondered if he been one, once; he seemed qualified for it) and handed the child over to Xyloto. For a moment Xyloto was concerned that the baby wasn't breathing, but suddenly a scream split the air. The breath whooshed out of Xyloto's lungs as it went into his child's, and his body went limp with relief. He clutched the child eagerly to himself, cleaning the blood off of it while Mr. Berryman took care of Mylo.
"He… she's beautiful," Xyloto whispered, correcting himself mid-sentence. He looked over to Mylo. "It's a girl!"
"I know," Mylo said smugly, sitting up with the help of her father. She reached out. "Let me hold her." Xyloto handed his daughter over to Mylo, who offered her breast to the child. Xyloto was fascinated. Mr. Berryman patted his shoulder. "Good luck being a father."
"Kylie," Xyloto murmured. Mylo nodded, a beautiful smile lighting up her face. "Kylie for a girl, Kyle for a boy."
"Just as we decided." With that, Xyloto turned his head inwards and gave Mylo a gentle kiss on the lips. "I love you."
"I love you too," Mylo said, kissing back. The new family sat together, Mylo warmed up in Xyloto's arms, Kylie in between them, and Mr. Berryman looking down on it all.
November 18th, 1987
They'll be tearing us apart, maybe moving us to Mars
We won't see the Earth again
And the seconds just remain unchanged
It had been nine months since Audrey, Floyd, and Rael set off on their adventure to Mars. Now there was only Audrey and Floyd and more than a bit of silence. After Rael's death, Audrey had become Floyd's last grip on normality. It took him a month on the Earth's calendar to recover from what he felt was the final blow to his sanity, a month to regain control of himself. While Floyd was coming to terms with everything that had happened in the past year up to and including Rael's death, Audrey was focused on the here and now. She flew the spacecraft as per Floyd's mysterious instructions. She made daily notes in the log book. She found the button that would allow an artificial field of gravity to fill the ship- the stuff of science fiction, she marveled in her head- and discovered an autopilot setting as well. Most of all, Audrey never once let Floyd out of her sight- not that he wanted to leave, anyway. And so a month passed before Floyd woke up one morning and realized that no matter what else happened, life had to move on. Rael was dead, Ziggy was dead, and there was nothing that could be done anymore. After that day, Floyd subtly took the reins of leadership once more. Rael's body was left tied up in the infirmary, where neither of the Pinkertons ever went anymore.
The following months passed mostly in silence. Neither Audrey nor Floyd had to speak to each other anymore to know what they were thinking. There was nothing left to say, anyway. No topic of conversation could enlighten their minds for a moment. Both were very homesick, but they knew they couldn't turn back now. Not when Mars was nearly in sight.
Sometimes Floyd would remind Audrey of what they had left behind on Earth. "Do you remember the day Eva was born, Audrey?" he would ask. "Remember how I nearly passed out watching the nurse deliver her? How I thought she was dead until she began crying? Remember when we came home and were kept up all night, and you said this was the way life was going to be from now on?"
"I remember," Audrey said quietly. "I remember how thankful we were when she started sleeping through the night."
Floyd twisted his fingers into Audrey's hair. "And do you remember the first night we spent together after moving into our house in Somerset? I remember it well. The creak of the bed beneath our bodies, the tapping of the tree branches on our window…"
"I remember how good it felt to finally hear you say you loved me," Audrey said.
Floyd fell silent, watching the stars in the dark sky float past. He hadn't seen much of anything else for the past few months. "Audrey…" he began softly. "Audrey, do you remember when I called you on tour and heard a man's voice on the other end?"
She hesitated.
"Don't tell me you don't remember it. I do. After hearing him answer, I went berserk. I was depressed. I took a groupie back to my room and effectively kicked her out by trashing the place. I just couldn't believe that you would betray me like that."
"Do you remember, Floyd," Audrey countered, "the day I came into our old house in London and you were sitting there playing piano? I remember the idiotic look in your eye- you seemed to stare right through me. I remember leaving the house, crying because of your apparent rejection. I met a man on the streets of London who was protesting against nuclear weapons. He gave a speech on nuclear disarmament, and I was enchanted. I took him home and…"
Suddenly realizing what she was saying, Audrey hung her head. Floyd looked on, staring into space, his fingers still in her hair, though they weren't moving.
"I don't suppose you do remember it," Audrey muttered. And that was the last they mentioned the past to each other.
Not that Floyd didn't think about the past often. Every night he had a new dream that bemused and calmed him simultaneously, a dream of someone else's memories, someone Floyd had no name for. The dreams were of soul-sucking blackness, of pain so strong it tore Floyd's heart to pieces, and yet there was love, there was longing. Floyd saw planets from behind a glass window, planets the likes of which he'd never seen. He felt the ground of those planets beneath his feet- green misty jungles in some places, dry sandy deserts in others. He was a traveler through other worlds, all as lonely and alone as he was. He wondered if there might possibly be life out there, life that came in the form of creatures like himself, life that could breathe and smile and talk and eat and love just like he could…
And every morning- or, every end of twenty-four hours, when Floyd woke up- Floyd would feel a strong surge of hope build inside of him before it eventually died. A little voice inside him spoke- Not much longer now. Floyd relied on the voice to guide him. It was all he had to hold onto now.
On the morning, or end of twenty-four hours, of November 18th, 1987, Floyd awoke to hear the voice inside of him calling louder than it ever had before. You're here! It's time to land! You're here!
What? Hardly daring to believe it, Floyd took a deep breath and went to the window, his eyes on the floor. Just look look look… Finally Floyd raised his eyes to the view outside, and at once smiled the first smile he had smiled in a long, long time.
"Audrey! Wake up. We're hovering over the Red Planet!"
It took no time at all for the planet's orbit to take hold of the spacecraft, and Floyd and Audrey stared down at its deserted surface. "God, it looks so different from the way Ziggy described it…"
"This is a planet that has been through an apocalypse," Audrey said. "Of course it looks different from the way Ziggy remembered it."
Floyd nodded, wrapping his arm around Audrey's waist as if he felt like falling over. "I'd better attempt to land. You should go fetch the spacesuits from downstairs. We've got to make this as quick as possible- who knows how much oxygen is left in their tanks?" Audrey had discovered the suits during the month that Floyd had been out of commission, and was intrigued, but not really surprised, to find that they held oxygen in the tanks strapped to their backs.
"All right," Audrey said, pulling away from Floyd. As she left the room, Floyd closed his eyes and sat down in the control chair, praying that his fingers would know what to do just as they'd guided him for the entirety of their journey. It couldn't be that hard to land a spacecraft… Ziggy may have crashed on Earth, but he had been in a hurry. Floyd took his sweet time with puzzling everything out and finally taking the chance. Audrey arrived in the room just in time for the craft to start falling, down, down, down towards the surface of Mars. Fortunately the fall was controlled by Floyd, so it was safer than Ziggy's journey down to Earth's surface.
"Hang on!" Floyd shouted as the craft made impact with Mars. He was thrown from his chair, and Audrey stumbled and fell over onto him. They crashed to the floor together, holding each other tightly for a few moments before the shock was over and they stood up, dusting themselves off. Floyd located Ziggy's body bag, his mouth suddenly dry. He couldn't believe it- he and Audrey would be the first humans to ever walk the surface of Mars. It seemed like a trivial accomplishment in comparison to the task that they were about to achieve- returning the last Martian to his home planet.
Floyd and Audrey dressed in the spacesuits and looked at each other. "Can you hear me?" Audrey asked, her voice coming in through the little radio inside of Floyd's suit. Floyd nodded. "The sooner we do this, the better." He picked Ziggy's body bag up in his arms and then went to open the door to the spacecraft. The Pinkertons' hearts pounded together as they walked outside and gazed upon the red rocks of Mars, which up until that point they had only ever seen in photographs.
My God, Floyd thought as he walked out, his body on autopilot. He could only blink and stare at the rock formations, reminiscent of the Western deserts on Earth. Inside of him, Floyd's soul was on fire. The scene around him was completely foreign, and yet immediately recognizable in some alien way.
Holding onto Audrey's hand, Floyd walked across the dark ground, hating the way his feet made prints in the dirt. Mars should have been unsullied by human contact. It wasn't fair that he should be here now. But he had a debt to pay to Ziggy.
After walking a foot or two, Audrey stopped. "Floyd," she said to him through the radio. "Should we bury him here?"
"All right, let's do it," Floyd said, setting Ziggy's body bag on the ground. Together, he and Audrey scraped at the ground with their hands, having oddly forgotten to bring a shovel along. It was hard work, and Audrey kept worrying about the oxygen supply, but eventually a hole was cleared out, a grave big enough to fit Ziggy Stardust. Floyd turned to the bag and unzipped it for the last time, his heart breaking- as if there was any of it left to break- when he caught sight of the decomposition of Ziggy's body. There was no way to even tell who the body belonged to anymore. Floyd and Audrey lifted him up just as they had on the night he crash-landed in their backyard and laid him out in the shallow grave. Floyd then unscrewed each body containing Ziggy's organs and placed them one by one in the area they belonged inside of Ziggy's body, as carefully as he could. Afterwards, Audrey and Floyd heaped dirt back over Ziggy, Floyd's soul feeling as if it was about to rip free from his chest. Hardly any words were spoken during the somber affair.
"Ziggy," Audrey murmured. "I loved you and your music. Thank you for the joy and inspiration you brought to so many people, and for treating my daughter and my husband so well. You may have saved Floyd's life by bringing him to the shores of New York after the plane crash. I admired your beautiful soul and your kindness for others. Rest in peace."
Floyd took in a breath of precious oxygen, unsure of what he could possibly say in memory of Ziggy. His soul continued to throb as he stared out at the red rocks. Finally he found the words to speak. "Ziggy. I loved you more than I've ever loved any other man. I hope you will now find your place in Heaven after being buried on Mars. Rest in peace, my dear."
With that, with no warning, the scene before Floyd blurred. He saw himself travel backwards to a time one million years earlier. The barren landscape surrounding him was filled in, buildings springing up, cobblestones appearing beneath his feet. Luscious green grass sprouted all over the ground in between the man-made structures. The light grew brighter, and the chatter of people's voices could be heard. Floyd felt his real mind, the mind that made him Floyd Pinkerton, slip into the background as someone else's mind- the owner of the voice, the one whose memories he had been dreaming about for so long- took control of his body. He moved forward down the sunlit streets, joy lifting his heart as faces familiar and unfamiliar passed by him, smiling.
There was his mother… and there was his father… and there were all three of his dear sisters. He wanted to go up to them and tell each one how much he had missed them, but he held off on doing such a thing. Though it had been so long ago, he could still remember how they had forced him away from his home, each one coming in time to hate him during the last years of his planet's existence. Besides, there was someone he wanted- needed- to see before he could go join his family. He had to see if she was here.
Though it hurt to walk past so many friendly faces, he did so and headed out towards the end of the town, out to the place where the flowers grew upon that magical hill. He removed his shoes as he scaled the hill in order to feel that clean, springy grass beneath his toes. A figure stood up on the top, a figure with light blonde hair tumbling down her back. He approached her cautiously, not wanting to hope for too much, and touched her shoulder gently. She turned around, the sun sparkling in her light green eyes, which slowly filled with shock.
"You've come here at last?" she murmured. He nodded.
"You're face to face with the-"
She didn't wait for him to finish his rehearsed line, instead attacking him with all her might, flinging herself into his arms and sobbing onto his shoulder. "Ziggy… I never mean to hurt you…" He held her gently, unable to believe that after years and years of longing, she was finally back in his arms where she belonged. Pulling away, she gave a little laugh through her tears. "Come now, Ziggy, you don't have to hide from me."
"I'm not trying to," he said, smiling through his own tears. "Oh, Sera… Serefina, I love you."
"I love you, Ziggy," she said, taking his hand and giving him the long-awaited kiss. And as they kissed, something in their souls- for they had no bodies, not anymore- began to shift. Ziggy realized with a start exactly what was going on. He closed his eyes as the two souls began to blend together, until there was no hint of where Serefina ended and he began.
Just before the two lovers began bonded for the rest of their eternal existence, though, Ziggy saw a vision of the body he had just left behind on the surface of the planet he loved. He saw Floyd slumped unconscious in Audrey's arms. Aware that Floyd's soul was here with him- it was impossible for bonded souls to part unless they were brought to the afterlife- Ziggy spoke out with his mind, knowing that Floyd would hear him.
Thank you so much for bringing me back to my home planet. If you hadn't, I would have withered and died inside of your body. I had no idea that souls could bond just by being in close proximity to each other- if I had, I would have made sure I got used to the idea of being around humans before coming to Earth and accidentally bonding with you. But it turned out well in the end. I was so starved for love that I latched onto you, and you were so starved for music that you latched onto me. If you hadn't fallen in love with me and activated the bond, I would not be here now. I thank you, Floyd, for everything you've ever done for me, and forgive you for what you failed to do. Now that you've brought me here, it is best you continue with your life. Goodbye, Floyd- I really did love you at one point.
With those last words echoing through Ziggy's mind, the link was complete. He and Serefina were bonded, and with a great surge of joy he found that he finally had access to her memories. They lay down on the hill together, and Ziggy's mind filled with Serefina's favorite memory- a memory of a free festival that had passed much too soon.
I love you, Sera.
I love you, Ziggy.
Hours later, Floyd opened his eyes to find Audrey crouched over him, anxiety in her eyes. "Floyd? Are you all right?"
"…Yeah," Floyd mumbled, sitting up and running his fingers through his hair. He felt as if every bone in his body was made of iron, dragging him back to the ground. "Audrey… what happened? We were on Mars…"
"We're back in the craft now," Audrey said. "You passed out after we buried Ziggy. You've been out for a few hours now."
"Oh," Floyd said, moving shakily to his feet. "Are we still in Mars's atmosphere?"
"Yes. I had to make sure you were all right," Audrey said. "Floyd, what happened?"
He spun around to face his wife, taking her in his arms. "Oh Audrey…" For a moment Floyd could do nothing but hold her close, kissing her, and then he said, "I understand everything now. Ziggy and I were bonded soulmates."
A heartbeat- "How did that work out?"
"I'm still not sure," Floyd said. "Ziggy wasn't sure either. All I know is that he spoke to me after we buried his body. He was reunited in the afterlife with an old lover. I think they're bonded now."
He looked around the control room over Audrey's shoulder, musing on the scenes he had seen, before saying, "Now that Ziggy's soul is no longer inside me, I'm also not sure how to fly this craft."
Thankfully Audrey had picked up on how to fly the spacecraft from watching Floyd through the nine months spent moving to Mars. She managed to break out of orbit and set the controls for home, which they would return to nine months later. Floyd was impressed with Audrey's work.
During the nine months spent traveling back to Earth, there was endless talk about what to do once they got home. Audrey suggested that Floyd come out of retirement as Pink Floyd and release the talked-about album in memory of Ziggy. But Floyd, with a sad but knowing smile, shook his head. "I once thought that it would be good for me to go back to the studio after returning from Mars. But I can't do it now, not after Rael's death, not after burying Ziggy… I feel that if I dedicate the next portion of my life to creating something about Ziggy, I'll never be able to stop thinking about him. It's time for me to move on. And anyway, who knows what state the Earth is currently in? There might not be any room for me to record an album, and the public will probably not be into it."
Audrey understood Floyd's protests. Still, she asked that he sing the two songs written in memory of Ziggy- 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' and 'Wish You Were Here'- for her, one last time. Floyd nodded and complied, dedicating 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' to Rael and 'Wish You Were Here' to Ziggy.
"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
"Year after year.
"Running over the same old ground,
"Have we found the same old fears?
"I wish you were here."
Audrey sighed as she listened to the words. Floyd's voice was that of a man who had lost it all and found no reason to go on living. A cold feeling crept over her as she realized that this might be exactly how Floyd felt. He would never commit suicide, not when Audrey was alive, but if she knew that he would find a way to die now if she let him. And this terrified her. Why had Floyd given up, after all they'd been through?
"I have nothing left to look forward to," Floyd explained when Audrey asked him. "The Earth is dying in four years. That's not enough time for a solution to be found. If one of the most accepting societies in the solar system, the Martians, didn't accept Ziggy's idea to escape, we're not going to be listened to here on Earth. And besides, we're wanted for stealing Ziggy's body, and our house has been burned down in Bath. We have virtually nowhere left to live. When we come back to Earth, we're going to have to spend the next four years on the wretched continent of America, in hiding."
"But Floyd, our life is worth living," Audrey said. "As long as we have Eva…"
Floyd laughed cynically. "Eva is no hope for the future. Yes, she's our daughter- she's the next generation. But it doesn't matter how old she is, because we're all going to die at the same time."
"Are you saying your life is more important to you than our daughter's?"
"No," Floyd said. "My life isn't important to me at all. I'm saying I don't want to live anymore, and even though I love Eva very much, she's not reason enough for me to stay."
"Am I reason enough, though?" Audrey asked. She laid her hand on Floyd's knee.
"Of course you are," Floyd said. "But be warned- if you force me to continue this life that I no longer want, I will never be whole. I do love you, always and forever- you know that. But my love for you is the only way I can stay positive. And I don't think you want me to depend so strongly on you. It will turn into an obsession. You are the only thing that's keeping me here right now, Audrey, and if you let me use you in such a way, you will have wasted your four years of life left."
"But Floyd," Audrey said. "It's impossible for me not to love you. I can't walk away from you, not when you need me to keep yourself alive. Oh God, Floyd, I… I only want you to be happy, but there's no way under any circumstances that I'm letting you kill yourself."
"I will only be truly happy when I'm dead," Floyd said, and it was the most painful statement Audrey had ever heard come out of his mouth. She turned and walked away from him.
It took endless discussion and arguments, but finally Audrey and Floyd came to reconciliation. They formed a plan together, a plan that broke Audrey's heart, but which she agreed was the only way out for herself and Floyd. "We'll bury Rael as soon as we get back to Earth," Floyd said. "Find Mylo and Xyloto and bid them farewell. And then…"
"And then, the unknown," Audrey whispered, holding Floyd more tightly. "I think… I think I can come to terms with it if I'm facing it with you."
Floyd smiled. "I couldn't do this on my own. Thank you, Audrey, for staying with me for so long." He kissed her. "I love you."
"I love you too, Floyd."